Archive
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
File photo
An employee with the unfortunate name of Pitts placed a folder before me. I scanned it quickly.
“Now, look here, Pitts. This information is incorrect.”
He raised his shoulders slightly and shot me a look of idiotic bafflement.
“That’s all I know. That’s all I know is what is in that folder.”
I desired to whip him right then but I kept calm.
“As I noted earlier in the day, I am in need of the carbon service forms. There are men going into the field today.”
He shrugged his shoulders again and said nothing.
I waited for this Pitts in the lunchroom. He secured a plastic tray (still moist from the washers) and began moving slowly down the line. He picked out a gelatin dish (small nuts floated at its quaking surface) and a softball-sized fish ball. He slid over to the register.
“No, no, Pitts. Allow me.” Much to his surprise, I paid for the meal.
He wandered over to a table filled with other pasty dullards. I sat beside him. It was worrying him, I could tell.
“Tell me Pitts,” I said. “What do you do for recreation?”
His nerves were beginning to take over. The fork which he had used to skillfully pierce the fish ball was now shaking slightly in his hand.
“I…I have a little bench in the basement…”
“Ah, a bench,” I noted loudly, imparting as much ersatz good will into my voice as possible. “A bench. And what sort of hobby do you engage in on this bench of yours, Pitts?”
“Well…nothing…lately.”
“No, no, Pitts. Surely, you must have a number of grand activities in progress or planned or perhaps even completed. Are there shelving units full of your work, Pitts?”
He was shaking full on now.
“Come now Pitts. I am a mere philistine when it comes to such matters. Inform me.”
“I…understand…what will happen,” he said.
I stood up.
“Very good, Pitts. Leave your tray there.”
He followed me outside to a weedy yard where he was whipped mercilessly.
Build This Semcon-1 Robot
By Wayne Lemons
Pondicherry Association News Electronics Expert
Robots are becoming very hot items these days. They already have made a name for themselves in movies, on TV shows and in basketball games. This past January, a week-long conference and an exposition on Robots was held in Lankville City and a second conference (with hopefully fewer murders) will be held during the summer.
This article vaguely details the construction of a robot called Semcon-1 (Semcon standing for “Semi-Controllable”). And although we may not be able to tell you how to build a device as elegant as famed Richard and the Postman TV robot “Cobbs”, we will explain step-by-step how to design a fully pushable robot with funny manipulator arms that will be able to grasp, tilt and carry. These features, in combination, will enable your Semcon-1 to perform an incredible array of useful functions.
Since we are building a robot from scratch, it might be a good idea to become familiar with some of the components which may affect its operation.
There are two electro-mechanical parts which are used to animate your robot– motors and condenser pots. Motors are used to impart continual motion and also will lift the funny arms. Condenser pots are used for the full-arc spasm element of your robot and will be accompanied by gears in mathematical terms. Quality and non-quality condenser pots will be available at any respectable electronics shop– there are a lot at the malls, for example.
Figure One
Now, let’s begin with the manipulator construction (see figure one). Before we proceed, read and pay a lot of heed to the following precautions about working with robots:
-Always wear goggles or some sort of protective eyewear. You can wear a mask with eyeholes cut out if nothing else is available.
-Never wear a tie while working. It can get caught in the robots funny arms and cause serious injury.
-Hold tools properly and towards the body or while filing metals.
Now we can move forward to the question of the two different diameter steel rods. The cross members should be cut from 0.375-in. (3/4-in.) to somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 threads-per-moment. The shoulder and elbow hinges and the two contractor-bar pivots should be cut from aluminum plate. Review.
That accomplished, you should be about ready to put the head on. Take note of the Eprom Bulb which is, again, available at most mall accessory stores. Important not to skimp here and I would strongly urge you to go with the Linear Lamp 10 over any of the cheaper options.
And finally, you can put the funny arms on. While this may sound complex at first reading, it can be done and will yield a perfectly workable and funny robot arm. You are encouraged to use some surplus sheets to keep costs down. For convenience sake, however, a list of components and their sources is shown in the heavy parts list, available as an ancillary article in the “Special Projects” notebook.
Should you have a question about any part of this series, the author may be reached in care of The Pondicherry Association News who will forward your request on to my current location in the Lankville Protectorate.
Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
By Sonny Shorts (1924-1930, 33W 5L, 26KO)
File Photo
I am 108 years old so you will have to forgive me if my memory is not very good. I have been in this Charity House for a very long time. I grew up here. Not in the Charity House I mean, I grew up in a house down the street. My father and mother ran a barrels store. It’s all farmland around here.
The Charity House is haunted. Did you know that? There is a vast monstrosity that lurks here. I told the front desk about it and they moved me to another room. They put a man named Heinz in the old room and he was killed. When I continued to complain, they tore the walls out. There was nothing there but ancient newspaper, balled up to create insulation. But you could see something else as well. It was not immediately visible but it was there.
I owned a house for a long time. Had a lovely garage with the smoothest concrete floor imaginable. I lived all alone; a confirmed bachelor. For many years, there was an empty, untilled field behind the hedges in my yard. I was pleased by this. And then, one year, they planted corn. The husks blew into my backyard, creating a scenario of deep confusion and resulting in melancholia. I know it seems strange now to speak those words aloud but that was the feeling that came over me then. It remained that way for a number of years.
I sold the house and moved to a smaller house. It had a small side porch that looked out over the fields. I would put out a TV tray with a little radio and some lemonade and a plate of meat. If I tilted the radio in such a way and pulled the antenna all the way out, I could receive distant signals from over the mountain. Every once in awhile, I could pick up a Lingus Nets match out of Lankville.
The new house did not have a garage. It just had a pebbly little driveway that suddenly fell off into a deep chasm. I purchased a package of these large funny balls for youngsters and tied them to some string so that I could tell where I had to stop the car before it fell off into the precipice. But it rained once and the car slid forward anyway. That elicited a second, deeper period of angry befuddlement, crying and inner pandemonium.
It was then that I became a recluse. I placed heavy cardboard over all the windows and created a complex booby trap system about the house. I called an insurance salesman. “Come over right away,” I told him. “I want to buy TONS of insurance.” I heard him pull up in the pebbly driveway. He knocked on the front door and I waited in the darkness behind a couch. After some time, the knob turned slowly. He stepped into the room and called my name. He was beheaded instantly.
I went away to prison. It was a special ward for the elderly. The ward was also haunted. The same abomination was there as it had always been. I was assigned the job of…
An intern suddenly entered the room and informed Shorts that it was time for a snack. The interview ended without Shorts discussing boxing.
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville Announced as Vibbs System Winner
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville has been announced as the winner of the Pondicherry Association News’ annual “Vibbs System” contest.
Sprayberry, 37, who is fat and timid, was interviewed briefly outside his semi-basement apartment.
“Generally, I have an interesting habit of entering most contests. Some things come across my desk and I’ll fill them out. So, the Vibbs System contest was one of those.”
When asked how he planned to celebrate, Sprayberry became thoughtful.
“I think I’ll probably notify a few friends via a camera to computer signal that I’ve been working on and then maybe order a pizza.”
When asked if he might be ordering two pizzas, Sprayberry looked at the floor and quietly responded in the affirmative.
When asked if he would be consuming both the pizzas without any assistance, Sprayberry merely nodded in agreement.
A press conference is expected later today.
Royer Attends Nearby Outdoor Event
By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Institutionalized Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer attended a nearby outdoor event yesterday, sources are reporting.
“It was thrilling and I didn’t fall down or scream once,” the executive noted later at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “They had some side streets cordoned off and some tables and a man made some announcements. There seemed to be a mass localized understanding of some sort of significant event but I allowed that to elude me as one would allow an errant soft child’s beach squeeze toy to drift slowly past over the lustrous and brilliantined surf.”
Royer suddenly set a trident on fire and had to be restrained. The interview was ended prematurely.
“We’ll look into his possible attendance at other nearby outdoor events in the future,” noted Warden Jenness of the Home. “It may be beneficial in reintegrating him into society.”
The Vibbs System
ENTER NOW!
The Pondicherry Association News is pleased to present “The Vibbs System”.
Available for a limited time, the System is the product of years of countless thought about exterior barriers, responsibility and broken cones. And it’s from the East! So you can rely on it.
Enter our contest now by completing the survey below. Our grand prize winner will experience The Vibbs System and some garbage will be thrown into his neighbor’s backyard (men only).
THE VIBBS SYSTEM
Name__________________________
Address_______________________
Telephone_____________________
Fax_______ Hill Voice________
Area__________________________
Send to: The Vibbs System Contest, 56 Grand Marro Avenue, Eastern Junction Lankville (river), 2611.
Impromptu Inner Hammer Display Confuses Fanfest Patrons
By Tito Presentation
Distinctive Reporter
File photo
An impromptu display on vintage radio repair delivered by Small Pizzas owner “Inner Hammer” confused patrons at a club fanfest, sources are now reporting.
“Yeah, he got up to speak and then he started talking about flat-molded paper capacitors and the importance of obtaining a clear schematic and it just got very confusing,” said Pizzas fan Kevin Fernandez-Tony. “People started murmuring and then he [Inner Hammer] would demand silence in a loud, commanding voice. No one was permitted to leave the area. It went on for hours and then finally it concluded with a long cleaning display. He just kept saying, “You use a soft toothbrush to get into the crannies” over and over again and he removed his shirt at one point which was just soaked with sweat.”
Fernandez-Tony later bounced out of a meadow and into a bottomless pit where he expired.
“Inner Hammer” left the event quickly after his speech but spoke briefly with the media.
“Communication between the islands will be an important source of information and if you’re communicating, you might as well be doing so on a serviced and clean radio. My belief, fellows. Take it and bang it around a little, pull it back up and let me know how it turns out.”
The executive then left in a specially-made sports car that was somehow doorless.
The fanfest ended shortly thereafter.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Orion Revisited
By Ric Royer
File photo
I happened to be hanging around the lunch slots when the Jew wandered up.
“Been tying up some loose ends,” he started. I stopped him.
“Never good to tie up loose ends.” I stared straight at him and put some gum in my mouth. “Don’t wanna’ be standing there with your shorts around your ankles, no cake in hand.”
He seemed confused and that’s how I wanted it.
Turns out he wanted me to fly back to Orion, get some pics of those big cow-eyed girls. “See if you can take ’em in some barns,” he said. “What about the crazy cannibal?” I asked, my interest piqued. “They pick him up?” “No, as far as I know he’s still out there,” the Jew noted. “But they’ve driven him out into the Barrens. It’s said that he hasn’t attacked in over seven months.”
A tray appeared from one of the lunch slots. There was a heavily-compacted flounder surrounded by little lemons.
“What expenses are we looking at? Don’t put me up at some guy’s house. Give me a hotel room. Have them check the bed springs.”
The Jew thought about that. Then he sent me down to payroll.
Angie was down there. I sat on her desk and allowed my pants to clump up around the crotch.
“Where are you going?” she said. She had some magazine on her lap about yarn.
“Orion. Could be trouble. There’s a wild cannibal there.”
She liked trouble. It was going to be easy from now on.
At dawn, I left Angie in bed and threw a quilt over her– bunch of god damn colored granny squares. My Aunt had made it. I hustled out to the airport, slammed down three sodas at the airport bar and boarded the plane. An entire breakfast cart had been turned over in the aisle– nobody was fooling with it. I nicked a couple of links that had fallen untouched on a wide napkin. The stewardess looked at me funny but I didn’t care– I was going to Orion.
And that’s how it goes in Orion.
To be continued
Doing Puzzles Will Keep Your Brain from Dying
Medical Advice from Dr. Yothers
File Photo
There is no sure way to prevent your brain from suddenly dying but there is one step you can take that may possibly be beneficial.
Puzzles.
Dr. Yothers has been a doctor for awhile. His advice will continue in future columns.
My Name is Mike Squatch
By Mike Squatch
Architectural Correspondent
File photo
My name is Mike Squatch. I am an architect. I designed Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena.
My latest vague project has taken me to the beautiful Teets Island Chain. I am to construct some sort of hockey rink for Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer”. I took my wife Sally to meet Mr. Hammer at his office which was actually just a little hut on the beach. Mr. Hammer was quite taken with her and he made some evidently inappropriate comments which I wasn’t listening to. I had been distracted by some interesting men outside lifting free weights.
“He’s a pig,” said Sally, once we were back in the car. I put on the radio which played a delightful relaxing string number. We passed a meat store. “Stop there, would you Mike?” she said in her sweet way. “Buy the largest uncured pepperoni stick they have, please.” “Oh boy, pizza tonight?” I asked. “No,” Sally said. She became distracted.
We love hockey.
Later, I passed Mr. Hammer in the hotel elevator. “I’m going to meet with the engineers,” I announced. “Yep, you do that. Stay out for awhile, would you?” he responded. He shoved a hundred in my breast pocket. “Get yourself some fancy towels or some complicated posters or whatever the fuck it is you like.”
I didn’t care for his language but he seems like a nice man.
The engineers were waiting for me. “This is just to satisfy a court order,” one of them said. “It’s for brown children.” I sketched out a design. The foreman looked it over. “Take out the boards. That’ll save some money. We’ll throw up some sheetrock. This is a big can of fuck, as far as I’m concerned,” he added mysteriously.
I didn’t care for his language but he seems like a nice man.
I thought about Mr. Hammer’s request to stay out awhile so I got an ice cream and went up to the boardwalk. I played a little shuffleboard but couldn’t make any balls jangle through. I was just about finished when a guy came in and dropped two quarters in the slot. The balls rocked and then came rumbling down the lane and into my outstretched hand. He watched me a little while and then he said, “you tooling or are you galloping?” “Oh, I’m just here with my wife and six children.” He vomited slightly and walked away. Probably too much bad food. It’s important to stay fit.
We love hockey and we are married.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
File Photo
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
There are some men who are unable to feel.
I met such a man once in a basement. He was angry over the presence of some dung beetles and he set about murdering them with a hammer. I said, “these are specimens from Our Creator, whoever he or she may be. Do not destroy them. Embrace them.” “Go sit in that yellow chair and wait,” he said. I did but I wasn’t particularly pleased with the situation. It suddenly grew dark. With each hammer blow, I felt my soul weeping.
It’s important to massage your soul. This can be done with some wet towels though I don’t recommend a self-application. Treat yourself for just $39.99 to a “Thurston Soul Rolfing”. While you’re here, you can look over some of my other items. Pair of roller skates, size 9, $19.99, a ream of vellum paper, $15.99. There’s a whole bunch of stuff here.
I’ll light some candles and darken the room. The room is already dark anyway because of those thick glass blocks that prevent the theft of electronics and collectibles but I’ll still darken the room and also put on some prearranged tapes of the sound of it raining out. These are $5.99 each, now on special.
Then, I’ll thoroughly explain the soul massage. It’s not painful– it’s beautiful and even sensuous. If you want it to be. You need to let me know beforehand.
Your soul cleansed, you will walk out onto the street a new man (or woman, but you need to let me know beforehand). You’ll see things differently. Your aura will be your own protective and yet welcoming bubble of floating, moving spirituality. The spirituality moves like magnified cells or sperm– moving, moving, moving, continuing to cleanse everything and all.
Call now. We do not accept insurances but will be happy to look at your card.
Royer Uses Strange Foreign Machine to Soil Van with Sugar
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer has soiled his recently-repaired van with a foreign powdered sugar machine that was delivered this morning to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
“I don’t know why we let him do that,” said Warden Jenness, who was supervising the vast clean-up. “This crazy gigantic machine arrived this morning in about five separate boxes. We tried to move them into the hall but [Royer] came out of nowhere and kicked one of our college interns in the face about five times really fast. Then, he pushed the boxes himself over towards the van and started ripping them apart. The next thing I know, he’s got this ridiculously huge contraption set up and he moves this big outtake pipe over to the van’s cab and just shoots the damn thing full of powdered sugar. Then he went back to his room.”
“We’ve got a real mess here,” noted a cleaner, who refused to be identified and was later kicked in the face by Royer.
“Yes, the machine was foreign,” Royer answered when questioned. “It comes from a land-locked nation whose name I cannot pronounce. It’s very far from here. It’s illegal in Lankville.”
When asked why he wanted the machine, Royer quickly explained.
“This machine has a specific crushing hammer and sieve for finer grinding. I elected to go with the double-head version which produces between 2,600 and 3,300 pounds per hour, unheard of in Lankville. There is a vibrating passage which leads to the outtake mechanism. It’s important to have a large canister to catch the product.”
When asked why he did not have such a canister and instead sprayed sugar all over his van’s interior, Royer became confused.
“It’s all a question of where the fried dough is, Bernie,” he said, his voice betraying much consternation. “No need to engage in any of your tricks at my expense.”
The exterior of the van, damaged in a recent accident, has been repaired. Cleaners expected the cab to be cleaned by evening.
An Interview with “Inner Hammer”
BY IDA RUMPUS The Lankville Society Scoop
File photo
Ida Rumpus sat down with Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” outside his hotel suite in the Teets Island Chain.
IR: You’ve not been very visible lately. Trying to stay out of the limelight?
IH(squeezing a wet washcloth slowly over his head): Much has happened.
IR: Anything you’d like to tell The Lankville Society…
(Inner Hammer suddenly stood up and expelled an erratically moving torrent of urine in the direction of the ocean)
IH: What I have to tell would serve nothing but to foster a spiritual brain-tangling in the minds of your disenfranchised readers.
IR: I sense a great change has come over you.
IH: Yes. An exalted, almost astral change. However, I would still like to fix your bare ass in an unoccupied vertical position in space and torque it like a jenny.
IR: The hotelkeeper claims that you spend great periods of time in the jungle. Tell us about that.
IH: When you traverse the byways of your little life– going in and out of little shops and into your little office, do you ever come upon a vast, limitless jungle?
IR: No.
IH: There is your answer. (Inner Hammer suddenly stood up and expelled a second, more vicious stream of urine into the sand).
IR: Thank you.
IH: This heat. This heat precludes fleshly gratitude.
The interview suddenly collapsed.
Animal Rights Groups Incensed by Royer Comment
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Animal rights groups have begun protesting outside Memorial Yea! Keepsake Auditorium, home ice of the Terrifying Bats, incensed over a recent comment made by owner Ric Royer.
“I made a simple statement,” noted Royer from his room at Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “And that was to express my desire to cut off a giraffe’s head, mount it on a funny, spinning pinwheel and have it installed in the front yard of one of my vacation homes. The furor that has resulted from this comment is very boring. I’m bored now.”
Royer began nervously placing a fluffy white substance about the roads of his illuminated porcelain village.
“It’s snowing now,” he explained.
Two groups are said to be spearheading the protest including the Lankville Society for Animal Niceties and the Central Lankville Zoo Happiness Committee.
“[Royer’s] comments are absolutely outrageous,” said a protester who refused to be identified and was later murdered by the creeping menace from the dark bowels of the universe. “The LSAN and the CLZHC have joined together in solidarity against this cruelty.”
“I am not cruel,” Royer stated after being apprised of the comments. “Giraffes are very funny and their heads would look funny spinning on a pinwheel. It’s an aesthetic choice, really.”
The embattled executive suddenly produced a gigantic leaf blower. With a flick of a switch, a loud gust whisked away the fluffy white substance.
“The snow melted,” Royer explained.
The protest is expected to continue throughout the day.
Royer Takes Van to Refreshment Hut
By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
File Photo
Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer was permitted to drive his new van to a refreshment hut yesterday evening, sources are now reporting.
“He was heavily supervised and a second steering wheel had been installed for safety purposes,” noted Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Royer has been incarcerated for most of the year. “The incident, which we could not anticipate, is regrettable.”
Sources are confirming that Royer accelerated onto the grass and drove through three picnic tables. No one was harmed.
“I was getting out of the van because he had parked,” said an attendant, who refused to be identified and was later hanged for his role in the incident. “All of the sudden, he hit the gas and just drove straight through the patio. He laughed and laughed and laughed.”
Royer issued a brief statement.
“I ordered an ice cream that was topped with a bundle of little nuts. It was a delight.”
According to Warden Jenness, the van is currently being repaired.
“There was some body damage. I think maybe some nozzles and discs were broken.”
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK