Archive
Lankville Daily News Guide to Picking the Perfect Thanksgiving Day Outfit
By Ric Royer
HOLIDAY NEWS YOU CAN USE
Begin by understanding your Thanksgiving location beforehand. If you have never been there before, it will be important to case the house weeks in advance. Affect the persona of a gas and electric official, a salesman of tents, or one of those guys that solicits donations for pandas in order to have a better look. Pay close attention to doors and windows.
Avoid buying your outfit anywhere but at a large, suburban shopping mall. I generally skip the “poor” area of the mall and go straight for the luxury wing. Be sure to stop at the food court first though and loudly consume a meal rich with proteins. Be sure that at least one item you have ordered is a similar repeatable shape (you’ll see why). Complete your repast with a Cinnamon Buns. Order it “to go” and make sure the server gives you a wide basin (don’t them let tell you differently– THEY DO HAVE THEM). This way, you can rip the Cinnamon Buns apart as you walk along and let the errant pieces drop into the wide basin. Sometimes, it’s best to order two or three.
You may at first be tempted to simply purchase one of the many shirts that says “Thanksgiving” across its front– don’t be fooled. This is merely a ploy by certain retailers to sell more shirts. Ignore it. If you have the means, reach into the display case and knock over the mannequins. “I’M TEACHING YOU A LESSON,” you should say as you do this. You might save this act for last, however. Move onto the luxury retailer of your choice. Pick out a paisley blazer, red pants and some high socks that reach above the knee. Shove them onto the counter and turn your head away as though the last thing in the world you are interested in is buying these wretched rags (this often teaches the stores another lesson worth learning).
You will now want to leave the mall completely and head over to your nearest home improvement store– I recommend Home Dump. They have many locations, are severely understaffed, and easy to steal from. Pick out a bucket, a link of chain suitable to wear around the neck, a bundle of cedar wood shingles and several elongated lighters. You can hide a lot of these items in the bottom of the bucket– just throw your jacket on top! Often, they even forget to charge you for the bucket! Pay only for the shingles and the lighters.
Hopefully, by now, you will have a sense of where you be spending the big day. I want you to have a window selected– know that window. Does it push open in an inward manner (see photo)? Does it need to be thrown upward? Will it have to simply be busted through completely? Whatever the case, have your friend or lover drape a heavy canvas throw tarp directly beneath the window (so, you’ll need to go back to Home Dump and get one of those– I forgot before). Put on the chain and the red pants and keep the blazer handy in case it’s chilly.
And now, when you’re ready to greet your family, your friend’s family or your lover’s family, you come bursting through the window with one of the shingles in your hand (the shingle should be on fire). I often find it useful to have my face painted as well and to be crying but that’s your choice.
You won’t come up short with this method. Everyone will have a wonderful time.
Ric Royer is a prominent Lankville businessman. He currently lives in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution.
Royer Briefed By Popinjay; Orders Massive Shipment of Saltines
By Sha-Nell Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Rumored to be “coming out of his funk again,” storied business magnate Ric Royer has been seen this week consulting an unusual source for medical advice for his ongoing severe case of jaundice.
The Popinjay (File illustration)
Last Tuesday, Lankville Action News: YES! was trailing Royer as he was carried on a palanquin by six of his trusty “life interns” (all of whom he met on Lanklist and who he says have “worked out pretty well”) at the Knott Salt Depository just outside town. Royer, resplendent and tinged yellow, held a discrete meeting behind the salt mound with a popinjay for forty-five minutes, and inside sources within Royer’s inner circle have suggested the topic was Royer’s skin color.
Detail of Royer’s face (take note of the fine eyebrows).
It is not known exactly what passed between the two behind the mound, but public records show that Royer’s shell company also bought a massive 200 ton shipment of saltines from The Depths via Teets Island just two days later. The shipment evidently filled two of Royer’s warehouses.
Coincidence? Medical cure? Or just pure eccentricity?
You decide!
In unrelated news, Royer’s autobiography, “Strangling People Without Leaving a Mark and Other Riddles” is expected to be out in June.
Flounced Linen Bed Skirt Nearly Strangles Royer
By Sha-Nell Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A gorgeous, flounced linen bed skirt nearly strangled Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, sources are reporting.
Royer: recovering.
The dangerous escapade occurred last night in a Small Beaches hotel room.
“Sometimes when I sleep, I tend to thrash around in a sort of horrifying way,” explained Royer, who was taken to a local hospital to recover. “At some point during the night, we believe that I became entangled with the flounced linen bed skirt. Then, in the middle of the thrashing, I was suddenly lifted upward. The effect was that I was nearly hanged.”
Sometimes when I sleep, I tend to thrash around in a sort of horrifying way.
Police ferreted a series of hotel employees into a dark, windowless closet where they were meticulously interviewed. Two were later given 40-year prison sentences.
“We came to the conclusion that the flounced linen bed skirt had been placed on the bed in a slightly haphazard way,” asserted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “And we made the decision to dispense with justice right then and there.”
By this morning, Royer was playfully shoving nurses and doctors, overturning wheelchairs and setting small fires about the hospital. He will likely be released sometime this evening.
Ric Royer’s Recipe for Olives a la Augustine
Ric Royer: Gastronome
Ric Royer is well-known for his gastronomic creations.
Royer teaches cooking at a nearby mall food court.
We’re going to take some Deep Island olives and fill them by means of a swollen bursting bag and pipe filled with pate de fois gras that has been passed crisply through a bent sieve. Then, take some little bouche cups and fill the sons a’ bitches about a quarter inch deep. Now, stand an olive in each as if you’re violently piercing the earth with a roadside sign that says to the world, “You want to kiss God, you get through my motherfuckin’ ass first.”
You want to kiss God, you get through my motherfuckin’ ass first.
Next, cement the olive in there with aspic jelly or with caviar aux crevettes if the jelly isn’t available. Now, fill up the moulds with all this bullshit and round the olives out with little gentle sprigs of chervil. When it all sets, you’ll dump the olives out of the moulds onto a little crouton of hard bread of panini, butter and mask it all with ham, tongue, coral, hand, a tuck-away sauced sheet or eschalot (your choice) and serve it all up on some goddamned dish-paper, one to each unrepentant asshole at table.
News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
THEME PARK TO OFFER BANANA CHIPS
An unidentified creature was found murdered today near a wooded area in the Lankville Plains. It is rumored that several pitchforks were sticking out of the carcass.
“The Thrill Ball”– another expected feature of Sensational Mons Island.
“I’m not going to comment on the pitchfork business,” noted Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to respond to the scene. “The creature was partially cooked and is definitely not human and also not animal but that’s not the first time we’ve seen things like this in Lankville. You boys know that,” the intrepid Detective added.
Construction workers discovered the body as they were clearing the area to begin work on a new 40-acre theme park slated to open in the spring.
“Sensational Mons Island” will feature four thrill rides, seven games, a challenge tent and a cave bear. A press release issued by a mysterious source known only as “The Berube of Mons Island” stated that the park will be the first of its kind to offer free banana chips. These chips are edible but can also be used as tokens to enjoy rides, play games or to feed the cave bear.
Executives at Sensational Mons Island, Inc. did not respond to repeated phone calls.
ROYER IMPROVING; ATTENDS PIZZA PARTY
Business magnate Ric Royer is improving after an incident with a cake two nights ago that left him severely burned and even attended a pizza party last night for inner-city Lankville youths.
“Pizza is man’s great equalizer,” the executive said during a short ceremony. “It brings people of races and colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, pizza is a great healer.”
Royer stayed for the duration of the event and ate more pizza than anyone else.
HADBAWNIK PUMPKIN ARTICLE CRASHES WEBSITE
David Hadbawnik’s recent article on the proper disposal of pumpkins crashed The Lankville Daily News’ website, the News is reporting.
Everyone loved Hadbawnik’s pumpkin article.
“It was our most popular article of the year,” noted senior editor Marles Cundiff. “Literally, hundreds of thousands of people tried to gain access to the article at one time. Our site exploded.”
Area newsstands and magazine shops are reporting a similar run on the print issue.
“We sold out in 15 seconds, once people realized there was an article on how to properly dispose of pumpkins inside,” said Jackie Keys, owner of Keys’ Newspapers and Beer Hut in Northern Lankville.
Hadbawnik was pleasantly surprised.
“I knew the article would touch a nerve but I didn’t think it would be as popular as it has been. Hopefully, it fosters a sense of community and helps people make their homes beautiful for the holidays,” the columnist said, in a prepared statement.
Royer Reported Hurt in Cake Incident
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A photo taken shortly before Royer caught fire.
Incarcerated business magnate Ric Royer has been hurt in an incident involving a cake, sources are confirming.
“We don’t have a lot of information at this time,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Royer is currently living. “There was a cake, the cake issued forth hot fire and blistering sparks and Mr. Royer was hurt severely. We took him to the hospital as soon as the cake was finished.”
Royer’s whereabouts are currently unknown. Several people involved in the cake incident are being held by the Lankville Bureau of Probes.
“We’ve heard some conflicting stories. He may have caught on fire but we’re not sure. We’ll get to the bottom of it,” assured Detective Gee-Temple.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Haunted Profiterole
By Ric Royer
I decided to order a profiterole for dessert. The waiter brought me a copy of Profiterole Digest. The cover showed a gigantic pile of profiteroles photographed in a red wagon. “We have everything in there except for custard, chocolates, and the one that has the hose attached so you can suck out the cream.” He pressed his crotch as he said that last part but I decided to ignore it.
I went with the “Special Occasion Profiterole”. The waiter disappeared. Ten minutes later, another waiter appeared with the pastry. He went away wordlessly.
I stared at the profiterole. They had presented it well– there were little lines of chocolate all along the plate edge and a series of minced strawberries along one side. They had also placed a little off-white card and the words “pastry ball” had been written there in fine calligraphy. There was also an emergency number printed on the back.
I picked up the profiterole and ate half in one bite. It was then that I became aware of an eldritch phantasm from beyond the borders of this world.
It was then that I became aware of an eldritch phantasm from beyond the borders of this world.
I dropped the profiterole. It had turned green and was covered in blood. I could taste the gore in my mouth but could not expel it. Two waiters, watching from behind a ledge and a series of hydrangea bushes, suddenly expired.
“It was a hell beast, unleashed by your indulgence,” said a voice that sounded not unlike a kindly grandfather. I fell over backwards in my chair. Next, I was being dragged by something unseen, deeply into the purlieu. There seemed to be a lot of vomit there.
The next thing I remember is the cargo train. I was packed roughly into a boxcar full of sacks of grains. There was another man there who had had a series of pastries slammed against his face. He nodded slowly.
It was then that I could finally scream.
Royer to Launch Dating Site Tomorrow
By Gump Tibbs
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Royer Entertainments CEO Ric Royer announced today that he will launch his new dating website tomorrow at noon.
“Smackers.com” claims to provide a unique personality profiling analysis via a series of detailed questions that endeavor to gauge “value systems”, “beliefs”, “preferences” and “interests”. The site has already drawn criticism, however, from some dating experts.
“The name of the site is rather provocative for starters,” noted critic Dawn Halpers. “There is bound to be some immediate confusion.”
Royer, who was interviewed while installing some new pieces to his voluminous illuminated porcelain Christmas village, refuted the comments.
“The site is about bringing the lonely together. It’s very scientific. Everyone is having a wonderful time.”
The CEO began screaming suddenly when a porcelain figure of an elderly lady holding a shopping bag toppled over. The interview had to be ended prematurely.
Halpers noted other issues with “Smackers.com”.
“The questions are unique but not particularly conducive to matching two personalities for dating purposes. If you look at some of the questions– this one, for example– “Do you believe that the kisses of stars rain hard upon the body?” followed by a rather senseless numerical rating sequence of 1-7. It’s hard to imagine how answering that question would bring you any closer to finding your perfect match,” the critic opined.
Nevertheless, “Smackers.com” already has over one billion pre-registered users and appears destined to become Lankville’s number one online dating service.
SAMPLE QUESTIONS FROM SMACKERS.COM PROFILE ANALYSIS
| -Rate your travels in the Land of No God. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
-Are you done with the illusions of dogma? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 -Do you eat animals? 1 2 3 4 5 7 8 -Woman stands alone as the High Priestess of Love at the Altar of Life and man
|
Correspondent: Royer Digs Many Pointless Holes; Collapses on Box of Irregular Jeans
By Don W. Coneman
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
From our Pyramid Area Correspondent Don W. Coneman in the Valley of the Small Kings, Outer Lankville:
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, temporarily released from an area hospital, has been seen in the Valley of the Small Kings this past week, digging many large, pointless holes, sources are confirming. Yesterday, at a local market, the executive was found collapsed on a box of irregular jeans. His current whereabouts are unknown.
Locals have been mystified all week by the strange figure of Royer who is evidently wearing a large fake beard, rouge, eye-shadow and lipstick in an attempt to mask his identity.
Archaeologist Lee “Boom-Boom” Goldblatt has equally been flummoxed by Royer’s strange methods. “Well, all he had all week was a tiny little garden shovel, a lawnmower, and some tomato cages. He generally got tired after an hour or two of fruitless searching and had a handler drive him back to his room at the Magnanimous Boys’ Horn of Comfy Hotel.”
Royer: Pyramid Problems
Earlier in the week, Royer maintained he was “making great progress.”
“I feel great,” noted Royer, who paused to dump a child’s bucket of sand into a wagon. “It doesn’t matter that there are a surfeit of feckless corncobbers that surround these pyramids– the Creator has seen fit to put them here.” The enigmatic owner looked on disapprovingly as a native family crossed the desert on the back of a camel. “Imagine the moment when I open up the tombs and discover every mystery of civilization,” he added. “As it says in the ancient texts, the rocks of the earth will fold inward and we will crawl onto an axial plane,” the executive added after a moment’s reflection.
One of Royer’s handlers, who refused to be identified, gave a short statement as to the circumstances of the market incident yesterday.
“[Mr. Royer] disappeared from his room at the Horn of Comfy Hotel early in the morning while some of his wait-staff were asleep or otherwise distracted cleaning up a terrible mess at the foot of his bed. [Mr. Royer] was sleeping with several large pumpkins which is his custom around this time of the year and they had fallen onto the floor. At some point, he must have snuck away and wandered into the marketplace where he then collapsed onto the box of irregular jeans.”
“Nearby there was a vendor that had some regular jeans,” the handler noted. “Unfortunately, [Mr. Royer] was not in a state where he would have been able to shop selectively.”
A press conference is expected later today.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Deceit That Will Deprive You of Your Harvest
By Ric Royer
As a younger man, I used to hang about with a guy named Howie. That was his last name– I never knew his first. He came from a poor section of Lankville Falls, littered with rusted aluminum trailers and trash-choked creeks. I recall that Howie’s Pappy had tried to paint the trailer but the effect was a bit like attaching shiny chrome to a barrel of shit. “You’ll not rise in social status,” I told Howie, as we stared at the freshly-applied silver finish, the rust still obviously apparent underneath. He put his head down and I put my arm around him and then pushed him ever so gently into a pile of mud.
People who live in trailers often have fireworks.
He sat in that pile of mud for quite awhile. Then: “I’ll cultivate here. We’ll have a bounty”. I laughed and shot off some fireworks. “You don’t know nothing about land. You’re trailer. Be easier if you just admit to it.” But he demurred and when I next saw him, he had a magnificent farm.
“Cheesus, look at them onions,” I said. “You doubted me,” he responded. “But look at those rows of corn.” Indeed, several of the trailers were now buried deep in the cornfield. “I’m trying to blot out this park with produce,” he said. “Lush, growing, flowering produce.” He looked far off at something unseen and then returned to his hoeing. I shot off more fireworks but nobody cared anymore.
I went off to college and Howie stayed behind. I visited him that first summer. His fields were completely dead. The mud was back. It rained incessantly.
“What happened?” I asked as we lazily watched wrestling on a black and white TV. “Wild Boy” Ric Tipps, my namesake, was fighting.
“It was my deceit,” he said. He drank some soda out of a Christmas-themed gravy boat. “I lied to the earth, essentially.”
I considered asking if he had any more fireworks but thought better of it.
“I had the promise of a great harvest,” he added. “But you were right. I’m trailer.”
He died in September. I did not attend the funeral but mailed along some chocolates. That’s what you do.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Rough Men of the Shore
By Ric Royer
The icebox came late to the Shore. For many years after its invention, the Shore men continued to store their perishables in rough holes dug into the ground, covered by a mean tarpaulin.
Once, one of the Shore men showed me his reserve. I peered down into the dark hole. There were two eggs down there, a soda and a large plastic child’s toy barn. I asked about this toy barn but received no answer. Instead, the Shore man spat off to the left. “I need to plow field with an ass in the midday sun,” he said. He walked off.
I became agonizingly bored, as is my wont. There was a clothesline with some soaking flannels hung there and I knocked them to the ground. This was momentarily entertaining but then I became bored again, a little tired, and then suddenly horny. I decided to feign hunger so that I might check out the Shore man’s wife.
I entered the kitchen. I pretended that I had worked for hours along the banks, hustling huge rocks into donkey carts for no particular purpose. The kitchen was sparse and undecorated. The cupboards were thrown open in a frank way and there was nothing within. I loudly rustled a newspaper. The Shore man’s wife entered.
She was dressed in homespun and had long thick brown hair arranged in a bun at the back of the head. I had no idea what to do. And then I told her that her husband was dead, stomped by the ass. There was no body.
“I’m sorry, ma’am.”
We were married later in the afternoon in a simple service at the rough chapel twelve miles yonder. The preacher’s name was John Thomas. I laughed aloud at that. We decided to honeymoon in the next town where there was a hotel, a famed pinwheel garden and a lunch counter that served dinner.
And now I plow rough fields with an ass in the midday sun.
Royer Hospitalized After Zoo Incident
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer is in stable condition after an early-morning zoo incident in Eastern Lankville.
Royer was granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
The incident occurred at Buntz Mallows Discount Zoo and involved a trash receptacle shaped like a lion’s head.
“It’s a lion’s head with a circular shaped mouth, operating on heavy suction if you can imagine,” said Zookeeper Fergie Pounder. “Kiddies take their trash, hold it near the mouth and the lion sucks it straight in. All the kids just love it.”
Pounder admitted that the device is more popular than the animals. “Our animals are really boring,” he noted.
Pounder went on to describe the incident.
“Well, this fellow [Royer] was just staring at this thing. It went on for about seven hours [the zoo opens at 2AM]. He never put any trash in, just stared at it, drawing slowly closer and closer with each passing hour. A certain darkness seemed to descend directly over that area, it became particularly windy, there was a mysterious howl. Then, after all that time, he stuck his whole arm in the device. The suction drew him into the machine and he banged his head against the cement lion part and was rendered unconscious.”
“The head will be removed immediately,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who had been observing Royer for several hours before the incident. “It’s very dangerous when you stick your whole arm into it.”
Royer was treated for a concussion and is expected to be released this afternoon. He had been granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where he is expected to be returned.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Low Moan From Room 3
Ric Royer
In my early twenties, I leased an apartment on the top floor of a rambling boarding house located at the terminus of a filthy alley. The landlady was an ancient, distant, stooped creature that never looked one in the eye and always carried a series of three colored dishtowels wherever she went. It was seldom she made the journey to my top floor and this pleased me and thus, generally I was left alone.
At the time, I was working on a long novel about some gorillas on the moon that had special powers. I vacillated between feeling it to be a work of unparalleled genius or complete idiocy. As the work progressed, I kept adding further gorillas. Towards the end of my work, I added a band of singing gorilla children out of desperation. Then, I scrapped it completely– burning it in the wood stove.
It was about this time that I began to hear a low moan from next door. This surprised me; I had believed myself alone here in the heights of this great, languishing flophouse.
The next day, I confronted the landlady. She was pushing a small, filthy carpet into a cookie jar for reasons unclear to me. “Who is the man in Room 3?” I asked. “He moans constantly”. She looked forward, her lips slightly parted. “Big Ed,” she answered in a whisper. “Been here for 13 years. He owns a Barbeque.”
She looked down to the unwashed parquet floor.
“No one knows what goes on there.”
I had heard of the place. It was two blocks from here and although one could safely enter the establishment and purchase a perfectly good barbeque sandwich, one never asked any questions about what went on upstairs. There were four long ventilation ducts that meandered from the windows upstairs and sunk straight into the ground and it was rumored that the racket of mysterious items slamming against their sides could be heard throughout the night. Big Ed himself was invisible.
Royer suddenly became distracted by a giant, swirly lollipop and promised to finish the story later.
Tip From Royer Leads to Tire Thief
By McGriff Key
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer was credited with giving police a tip which resulted in the apprehension and conviction of an alleged tire thief.
Trumpets Meyer of South Lankville was arrested Sunday night after a probe by city detectives. He was given three consecutive life terms this morning.
Royer touched off the theft probe Saturday when he called firemen to quell a grass fire in the Lankville Heights Area. Once the conflagration had been extinguished, firemen discovered the remains of four new tires in the lot. They notified police.
Ric Royer: Hero
“It’s true that I set the field on fire,” noted Royer, who was given a small trophy for his act of heroism. “But I did not realize the new tires were there. It was only later that they were discovered.”
Detectives said they caught Meyer Sunday night as he dropped from the roof of a tire company building carrying three tires.
“He said that he had put the tires on the roof and waited until the company’s closing time to retrieve them,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who made the arrest. “We asked him then about the burned-up tires in the field and he admitted to those as well.”
“It’s another wrong made right,” Gee-Temple stated after several moments of awkward silence.
“I’m glad that these tires are back home,” said Royer, in an extremely loud voice when asked about the tires. “I did set the field on fire and some other fields that same night and also two houses but it’s alright. It’s terrible to steal tires.”
Royer noted that Twin Removed Pines Mall (where he currently resides) does not have a tire shop.
“It’s strange when you think about it,” Royer said, in the same odd loud voice. “I’m happy to be able to contribute to the capture of a tire kidnapper.”
Royer laughed very lightly and the interview was ended prematurely.
Royer on Animals
By Ida Rumpus
Ida Rumpus recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville business mogul Frater-Xerxes (Ric Royer).
IR: Tell me about your childhood growing up with animals.
RR: I had a bunny for a time.
IR: What happened to him?
RR: He blew away.
IR: It’s well-known that you once ate a panda. How have you worked to change your image?
RR: Most people who manage malls have cooked up a hell-broth of self-induced obstacles or else shoot forth as if from a deranged jenny into some sort of romantic imagination and fool themselves for the rest of their lives.
IR: I assume you’re talking about Scott Kites, who has been trying to evict you from your mall home?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: I want to ask you about the upcoming Lankville Panda Benefit. You are spearheading this initiative, I understand?
RR: Every panda has a course, depending partly on the panda’s self and partly on the panda’s environment which is natural, luscious and necessary for each. Any panda who is forced from its self, or through external opposition from another panda, comes into conflict with the order of our Universe and suffers accordingly.
IR: And that’s where you step in? To try to help the panda stay on its course?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: How much do you hope to raise for pandas?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: Anything else?
RR: You can transform heat into light and power to illuminate an entire porcelain Christmas village.
IR: Thanks.
RR: Why?
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK