The Lankville Daily News

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

Animal rights groups have begun protesting outside Memorial Yea! Keepsake Auditorium, home ice of the Terrifying Bats, incensed over a recent comment made by owner Ric Royer.

“I made a simple statement,” noted Royer from his room at Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.  “And that was to express my desire to cut off a giraffe’s head, mount it on a funny, spinning pinwheel and have it installed in the front yard of one of my vacation homes.  The furor that has resulted from this comment is very boring.  I’m bored now.”

Royer began nervously placing a fluffy white substance about the roads of his illuminated porcelain village.

“It’s snowing now,” he explained.

Two groups are said to be spearheading the protest including the Lankville Society for Animal Niceties and the Central Lankville Zoo Happiness Committee.

“[Royer’s] comments are absolutely outrageous,” said a protester who refused to be identified and was later murdered by the creeping menace from the dark bowels of the universe.  “The LSAN and the CLZHC have joined together in solidarity against this cruelty.”

“I am not cruel,” Royer stated after being apprised of the comments.  “Giraffes are very funny and their heads would look funny spinning on a pinwheel.  It’s an aesthetic choice, really.”

The embattled executive suddenly produced a gigantic leaf blower.  With a flick of a switch, a loud gust whisked away the fluffy white substance.

“The snow melted,” Royer explained.

The protest is expected to continue throughout the day.

By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter

File Photo

Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer was permitted to drive his new van to a refreshment hut yesterday evening, sources are now reporting.

“He was heavily supervised and a second steering wheel had been installed for safety purposes,” noted Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Royer has been incarcerated for most of the year.  “The incident, which we could not anticipate, is regrettable.”

Sources are confirming that Royer accelerated onto the grass and drove through three picnic tables.  No one was harmed.

“I was getting out of the van because he had parked,” said an attendant, who refused to be identified and was later hanged for his role in the incident.  “All of the sudden, he hit the gas and just drove straight through the patio.  He laughed and laughed and laughed.”

Royer issued a brief statement.

“I ordered an ice cream that was topped with a bundle of little nuts.  It was a delight.”

According to Warden Jenness, the van is currently being repaired.

“There was some body damage.  I think maybe some nozzles and discs were broken.”

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

Former hockey executive and Pondicherry Association News reporter Dr. Pennies is presumed dead according to a report released today by Lankville detectives.  Dr. Pennies has not been seen for months.

“He has a third cousin who he hadn’t got around to killing yet and that third cousin asked us to investigate,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who consented to a brief press conference.  “We went to Dr. Pennies’ apartment, knocked on the door for awhile and got no answer.  Despite the horrendous, overpowering, permeating stench of darkest death in the hallway, we elected to leave the premises and are now operating on the presumption that the former reporter has expired.”

Dr. Pennies was last seen in Pondicherry Association News offices in February of this year.

“As I mentioned before, he came into the break room with a vicious look of purpose on his face,” stated senior staff writer Grady Kitchens.  “He cooked a lasagna in the microwave at extremely high temperatures for an extremely long time until the lasagna combusted.  He looked at us all very closely and carefully and then left the room, never to be seen again.  I certainly think he was trying to communicate something.”

“He had a strange way of sort of barreling down on things, sort of moving very quickly despite his size towards some goal, the sort of goal that would not be achievable for most men,” remembered senior staff writer Nient Boffo.  “He tried to kill me several times.  I think he could have but decided at the last minute not to.  I have not yet processed any of it.”

By Gump Tibbs
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

Gump Tibbs recently had a chance to sit down with hockey executive, businessman and author John Barlow at the opening of “Barlow’s Hampered Mall” in downtown Lankville.

GT:  What is a Hampered Mall?
JB: It’s a mall that is severely bereft of actual stores. Therefore, the shopper is quite hampered in his ability to purchase anything.
GT: Tell us about the construction.
JB: It’s a wonderful place. There is a terrific sense of proportion with the fountains.
GT: Now, I saw some women working in the tiny food court that were not exactly nice scenery if you know what I mean. One of them looked like an ironing board with fried eggs nailed on. Any thoughts on improving things on that front?
JB: All of our hiring is done by a company in the Islands. I’m not surprised that they have disappointed you. I was there once and noticed dried dung in the carpet.
GT: Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. Hey, you wanna go fire some guns at some trees?

Barlow thought about the offer momentarily and then the two men got up and left the mall together. The interview was ended.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

File Photo

9:53 AM

I’d like to welcome you to Royersford in Eastern Lankville.  Royersford was named after Terrifying Bats owner and GM Ric Royer.  He owns a summer home here and is a member of the borough council.

Thanks very much for your attention.

11:25 AM

Just now, Mr. Royer has finished addressing the citizens of Royersford in an area of scrubland east of the train station.  A small dais with colorful bunting was erected.

By Sal-Peter Vooks
Special Literary Correspondent

File photo

It was announced this morning that hockey and baseball magnate Ric Royer has released his first book of poetry.  Dances with Bears will hit the shelves today.

“The sparkling, glimmering little rays of my illuminated Christmas village layout has inspired this work,” noted Royer, who appeared briefly this morning at a press conference in which a large sheet cake was served.  “Also, my new van has provided creative arousal.  This abundance has been an awakening.  My literary panties are all wet.”

Royer was allowed a small piece of the sheet cake, signed a few copies of his book and was then taken back to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.

“I read some of the poems,” said reporter Brock Belvedere, Jr.  “There was some stuff in there about mountains.  And then some stuff about bears.”  Belvedere awkwardly ate a large piece of the sheet cake and then added, “There was a sensuality that I deeply appreciated.”

Dances with Bears has been issued in heavy cardstock wrappers with sewn-in “guidance ribbon” and directional arrows in an edition of 500.

By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer

File photo

Fake astronaut and noted space asshole “Nick” was revealed today to be the owner of the new PBA club “The Balloons”.

“We’ve been using Nick’s fortune to buy a great number of things,” stated a Balloons spokesman, who refused to be identified.  “And we figured, let’s buy into baseball.”

“Nick”, who has been an owner in the Pondicherry Association Hockey League for four years, has not been heard from for months.

“He’s probably just wandering around somewhere,” said the spokesman, who alerted the press to a series of picnic tables piled high with unwrapped cold cuts, muffin pyramids and awkwardly-placed and poorly-restrained dips.  “We haven’t had one of those odious little stories from him for quite awhile.  Last we knew, he was heading out into the interior of some imagined mind planet.”

“The Balloons” open the season this afternoon against the Desert Vermilion Sands at Small Office Lamps Park.

By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer

File photo

The Balloons pounded the Terrifying Bats yesterday in the final Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues exhibition contest at Contextual Concepts Park.  The final was 31-3.

Denny Herrera was 5 for 6 with 2 doubles, a triple and 5 YES RBI’s for the Balloons and star lefthander Henry Entrance-Rocks hurled 4 scoreless frames before leaving due to injury.  Bat owner Ric Royer, who was briefly in attendance, was somehow pleased with the clubs performance.

“I thought the quality was generally not there but that the buried spirit will emerge,” said Royer, who sat in the owner’s box with several illuminated snow village buildings.  “The man that appeared suddenly from behind the deep unfathomable walls (relief pitcher Brock Pep) seemed to have difficulties with his personal constructed ethos (Pep allowed 14 earned runs in 2 innings) but otherwise I think we will analyse our findings based on paradigms that will become clear.”

Royer left after the fourth inning for reasons unclear.  The owner of the Balloons has not yet been named and the club has refused all interviews.

“It was a tough day,” said Bat manager Jimmy “Apple-Cakes” Quizzler, who formerly was coach of the Bats hockey club.  “Pep didn’t pitch well and then [Mitch] Jo-Williamson didn’t pitch well (11 earned runs in 2.2 innings) and we made 9 errors.  We need to locate our pitches better and not keep putting them right down the middle of the plate and have them coming in really slow and without any movement whatsoever.  It would also help if Pep and Williamson weren’t acknowledging the catcher’s signs by yelling the name of the pitch back to the catcher and then nodding.  That would be helpful.”  Quizzler kicked over a water cooler and, in the confusion, the interview was ended prematurely.

The regular season of the PBA will begin on Tuesday.

By Mike Poundberries
Outfielder, Mountain Area Redbirds

File photo

I was born and raised on Hoover Island and played in their league up until Lankville went prime time.  Then, I got a nice 4-year contract offer from the Mountain Area Redbirds for $662 billion and so I signed there.  The people of Hoover Island really hated that decision but I had to do what was best for me.  I get a lot of hate mail.

Baseball is a funny game.  You have to get out on the field and give 110% or at least about 75.  Maybe 65 is passable.  It’s all about giving your team a chance to win.  You take advantage of what’s there and what’s not.  You try to put a little pressure on the other team.  After all, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink.  That’s what baseball is like.  You try to stay loose and stretched out.  A lot of it is mental.

Poundberries’ Career Statistics

By Oren Schrantz
Pitcher, Outer Depths Wipers

File photo

The first time I ever pitched was in the circus. I was no good then because I had no control.

I pitched for awhile in an independent sort of league. I don’t really care to talk about that.

Then, I made it to the Outer Depths Indoor League. Because I didn’t have a lot of experience, I pitched in relief. I was good for them. But then, unfortunately, some things happened and I ended up back in that independent league I was telling you about.

When the Outer Depths went big-league, they pulled some strings and got me out of that independent league.

So, that’s it.  Whatever you want to make of it, man.

Schrantz’ Career Statistics

By John Pizzo
2nd Baseman, Outer Depths Wipers

File photo

I’m what you might possibly call a “catch and throw” guy.  Always been able to handle the double-play ball, grounders that are nearby, pop-ups.  I was a good hitter in high school but then I got to the Lankville Indoor League and I started to struggle a bit.  Eventually, they just kind of stopped allowing me to hit.  They kept me on the roster, they just never let me hit.  Not in batting practice or anything.  They even took all my bats away.  The equipment manager said, “Sorry John.  We’re not ordering any more bats for you.  EVER.”

When the Outer Depths Wipers went from an Indoor club to a big-league club, I was signed pretty quick.  They gave me a bat for this picture but then they took it away again.  I think I’ve made the adjustments though and I predict I’ll be a good hitter once again.  I think I can hit .300 even, maybe steal a few bases.  They never let me steal bases either.

I look forward to playing outdoor ball at Depths Facial Tissue Plaza.  It’s a beautiful facility.  Wish I had a locker.

Pizzo’s Career Statistics

By “Outfielder” Jones
Outfielder, Terrifying Bats

I never try to hit home runs.  I can’t.  I have no power whatsoever.  One time, my high school coach said, “Outfielder, go sit over there on the bench.  Sit way down at the end there so’s you’re almost falling off.  Put part of your ass on the bench and the other part on that yellowing, moldy water cooler that’s been sitting on the ground so long that it’s sinking into the earth.  Now, just stay like that for the rest of the game.”  But now look at me.  A major league baseball player with The Terrifying Bats.

I’ve spent the last few years playing in the Eastern Lankville Condensed League.  It’s not really an official league, so I don’t have any stats for it but let’s just say I drove in 116 runs one year.  That’s not bad for a condensed league.  When the PBADL was formed, I was the first guy [owner] Mr. [Ric] Royer called.  He told me to come out to a muddy field– they had a uniform, a bat and some gum waiting for me.  The uniforms aren’t bad really.

I’m slated to start in center for the Bats tomorrow night.  Mr. Royer called me especially.  It seems like he’s taken a real interest in me even though half the time he seems to be talking about some kind of illuminated village and I’m not really sure what he means.  But I’m all set.  I plan to bunt.  I plan to steal bases.  I may make some catches.

It’s gonna be fun.

Jones’ Career Statistics

By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer

File photo

The Lankville Falls Crisply Moving Bisons edged The Balloons last night in the first Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues contest held at Ferdinand Buntz Memorial Park in Central Lankville City.  The final score was 3-2.  Attendance was reported as 992.

“Overall, I’d say we’re pleased,” noted Crisply Moving Bisons owner Shawn Meyer, brother of missing Plantain magnate Shane Meyer.  “We failed to promote the event and it was raining and the field had not been manicured at all and was deeply rutted in places from where some hillbillies were riding those carts.  But it was a spirited contest nonetheless.”

Leaves Fisk had 3 hits and 2 RBI for the Bisons and southpaw Randy-Caesar Maldonado pitched four scoreless frames.  Shortstop Mel Delahanty homered for the Balloons.

“I thought it was great that there was some baseball again,” said Balloons fan Jerry Subbs, who followed an earlier incarnation of the franchise in the 1960s.  “I mean, the evening was terribly marred by the fact that there was absolutely no food and that a lot of the players were clad in gym shorts but, hey, they’re just getting started.”

Subbs later perished when an enormous sinkhole suddenly opened in the earth.  He was never found.

Exhibition action will continue this evening as the Outer Depths Wipers host the Vitiello Decorative Hams at Depths Facial Tissue Plaza.

By Lance Pepsid
Special Fashion Correspondent

File photo

Chris Vitiello sat down with The Pondicherry Association News to discuss his new baseball club, The Vitiello Decorative Hams.

CV: Your appearance at a sports interview is a continuing grievous enigma, Mr. Pepsid.
LP: Let’s talk about the Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues.
CV: Lankville has not had professional baseball for quite some time. We saw a need and we filled that need. Nothing more to discuss.
LP: Where will your club play?
CV: Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena was originally designed to house football and baseball in addition to hockey. You should know that.
LP: What will the new logo look like?
CV(long, impatient pause): What is the name of our club, Mr. Pepsid?
LP: I didn’t know if…
CV: If, what, Mr. Pepsid?
LP: Maybe a ham with a bat…or…
CV: If you could stand up Mr. Pepsid and launch your folding chair in the direction of the wall, please…

Mr. Pepsid slowly did as instructed and was then whipped mercilessly.