Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Low Moan From Room 3
Ric Royer
In my early twenties, I leased an apartment on the top floor of a rambling boarding house located at the terminus of a filthy alley. The landlady was an ancient, distant, stooped creature that never looked one in the eye and always carried a series of three colored dishtowels wherever she went. It was seldom she made the journey to my top floor and this pleased me and thus, generally I was left alone.
At the time, I was working on a long novel about some gorillas on the moon that had special powers. I vacillated between feeling it to be a work of unparalleled genius or complete idiocy. As the work progressed, I kept adding further gorillas. Towards the end of my work, I added a band of singing gorilla children out of desperation. Then, I scrapped it completely– burning it in the wood stove.
It was about this time that I began to hear a low moan from next door. This surprised me; I had believed myself alone here in the heights of this great, languishing flophouse.
The next day, I confronted the landlady. She was pushing a small, filthy carpet into a cookie jar for reasons unclear to me. “Who is the man in Room 3?” I asked. “He moans constantly”. She looked forward, her lips slightly parted. “Big Ed,” she answered in a whisper. “Been here for 13 years. He owns a Barbeque.”
She looked down to the unwashed parquet floor.
“No one knows what goes on there.”
I had heard of the place. It was two blocks from here and although one could safely enter the establishment and purchase a perfectly good barbeque sandwich, one never asked any questions about what went on upstairs. There were four long ventilation ducts that meandered from the windows upstairs and sunk straight into the ground and it was rumored that the racket of mysterious items slamming against their sides could be heard throughout the night. Big Ed himself was invisible.
Royer suddenly became distracted by a giant, swirly lollipop and promised to finish the story later.
Summer Thunder by Jill Candles
By Jill Candles
A New Romance Series Exclusive to The Lankville Daily News.
Ken came to our little street in late June, the first night, the first night of the summer thunder. It rattled my windows and, later, it rattled my bed frame as though portending what would happen later in that summer, that summer of the summer thunder.
The next morning, he was standing on the Stevenson’s lawn next door, shirtless. The Stevenson’s had gone away for the entire summer, that summer of thunder. “Hi,” he said. “I’m here to do some raking.” I nodded and felt a palpable heat rise up from the sidewalk. It was the heat of summer, true, that summer of thunder, but it was another kind of heat that formed a bridge between Ken and I, though we didn’t yet know it.
I went to my summer job at the library. It was a morning of folding gigantic newspapers over gigantic rulers. It was tedious. I stared outside at the cascading summer sun. Would it thunder today? Would it?
“The thunder was right above us. We kissed passionately.”
My reverie was broken by the appearance of Ken in the library vestibule. He was still shirtless. I took notice now of his chiseled features, his glistening pectorals, his clean and pressed tan slacks. Old Miss Higgins, the head librarian approached him.
“Yes, I’m looking for a gigantic newspaper on a gigantic ruler,” he said. He smiled, showing off two rows of perfect pearly whites. “I would like to have a look at the weather report,” he added, puffing out his strong, clean chest. “The sky…it looks as though…well, I mean, I wonder if it might thunder tonight.”
And he looked right at me. For what seemed like a luscious eternity our eyes locked. And then I heard that inner voice.
You’ve urinated in your panty hose again, Jill. Better make a beeline for the ladies room.
I looked down. There was the initial spot on the dusty wood floor. I hightailed it out of there.
Later, I cut through back yards and alleys, hoping I wouldn’t see him. Distantly, I could hear thunder. Summer thunder. I passed the open lot where a gigantic pumpkin fire had been raging for two years. There was a strange man standing there with a handmade sign that read “SEX REVOLUTION”. I hurried. The thunder came heavier now. The summer thunder.
There was the gate. Mom was out there with a huge basket of wet white clothing. She heard the thunder. But to her, the thunder was merely a warning having to do with laundry, not love. It came again, it was closer. I began crying.
My hand was on the gate now. And then, another hand was over it. A strong hand.
It was Ken’s.
He was shirtless but had changed into a pair of pressed green slacks. “Don’t be scared of the summer thunder,” he said. Then, he gurgled something incoherent. The thunder was right above us. We kissed passionately. And there was the voice.
You’ve urinated in your panty hose AGAIN, Jill! You must find an excuse to break away.
But I didn’t. And Ken didn’t seem to mind.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
Every year, as Thanksgiving approaches, people advise, “You should put out a line of decorative turkeys.” For a time, I nodded politely. Now, I immediately produce the whip. Such advice is not solicited.
In the late 90s, a man called “Bunbritt” opened a factory across the river. From here, he peddled poorly-made decorative turkeys. At Thanksgiving, he would taunt me. I would receive late-night anonymous phone calls, mysterious faxes showing lists of huge sums, and crates of dung disguised as large appliances. Bunbritt became my mortal enemy with his fat, paisley ties and his dress slacks and it became my obsession to vanquish him. I placed a trusted man in charge of final decorative ham quality control and took a leave of absence.
For the next two months I trained in secret. I became well-versed in the arts of mixed, restrained combat and purchased some satiny pants with thick knee guards. I spent nights on roofs, unmoving, overlooking Eastern Lankville and then, very suddenly, plunging down a perilous fire escape. I timed myself at 40 seconds.
That is all it would take. I knew that and I think that eventually Bunbritt knew that. He became fearful. He insisted on leaving at night under armed guard. He bought houses and then sold them. Finally, he was driven mad. The decorative turkey factory closed shortly thereafter.
I resumed my regular activities immediately.
Royer to Construct Lankville Roller-Skating Rink
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Correspondent
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Institutionalized business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he will construct a roller-skating rink on an unidentified property in Northern Lankville. The rink will be known as Arcadia.
“Everything came together yesterday while I was in this very amusement room playing Lingus Nets,” noted Royer, who will bankroll the entire project. “It will be the grandest rink ever built. I want people to immediately conclude that the construction and design of this rink did not come from the mind of man. That it came from some sort of sentient being in the form of a goddess who descended upon these wretched lunatics in this wretched Foontz-Flonnaise Home [of Abundant Senselessness] and made known the entirety of its queer and puzzling design.”
Royer paused momentarily to return to another Lingus Net session, already in progress. He quickly captured the final net, deposited his sacks and claimed victory over his opponent, a fellow patient. The patient later moped and lurked in a corner.
Royer’s hand-written notes on Arcadia. Note the lime green cardstock with matte finish, sauce stain.
“It has been decreed that we will have giant smoke machines all about Arcadia and that we will have large robotic skaters that will be extremely slow-moving and yet, still quite menacing. They will target specific patrons and pursue them throughout their visit,” added Royer, who watched carefully as a warden entered the amusement room carrying small slices of cake on colorfully-decorated paper plates. “We will have hired dancers in historic costume. We will have skates. We will…”
Royer suddenly stopped talking and wandered slowly over to the warden, who was now placing the slices of cake on a table. An interminable period of time passed as the warden laboriously cleared the table and positioned the cake slices along its edge, in a circular pattern. Royer was observed to twitch nervously and to jockey for position among the other waiting patients. Finally, the warden looked up and nodded. Royer lunged suddenly at the table.
He took his cake quietly over to a corner and the interview was ended prematurely.
September is Presentation Oar Month
By Floyd Tingley
A particular division of the Lankville Coastal Guarders that I work for has declared September “Presentation Oar Month”. How are we gonna’ celebrate at Tingley Little Presentation Oars, you ask? By having the sale of the century, that’s how.
We’re not messing around. Right now, you can get a hand-crafted little presentation oar for just $185. Couple different styles available. Creates that nautical look in your den, club basement, boat, or rented room. Comes with a gold hand-engraved plaque. Anything you want on there*. There’s not a single person I’ve done business with that has walked away unhappy. That’s my guarantee.
How can I afford to give these little presentation oars away at that price, you ask? Because I know that once you buy one Tingley Little Presentation Oar, you’ll keep coming back to me for all your little presentation oar needs. A Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. I’ve also set up an emails address just to accommodate the orders– it’s tingleylittlepresentationoars@lankvillewest.com Hurry up and place your order. It’s Presentation Oar month, after all.
* Except for anything irreverent (I reserve the right to use my discretion).
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
Royer Addresses Media
By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
For the first time since being committed to an insane asylum on Tuesday, Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has addressed the media.
In a press conference held this morning in a darkened, trash-strewn room at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, Royer spoke with reporters for about twenty minutes.
Ric Royer addresses the media. Note the heavy chocolate cake stains to his shirt.
“Part of the public horror of sexual irregularity so-called is due to the fact that everyone knows himself essentially guilty,” stated Royer, who wore a button-up institutional shirt that was heavily-stained by chocolate cake. “The ordinary man looking at a mountain is like an illiterate man looking at an ancient, esoteric manuscript. You combine these two things together and the only course of action was this, this bastard of a place.”
Royer deflected several follow-up questions from journalists, many of whom were later found murdered.
He did confirm that he will maintain control of several of his business endeavors from the home and has temporarily closed his mall retail-space home.
“My Dollar Bush stores will be operating at normal business hours and I will be continuing my work with the Worlds of Royer Toy Company. We have a bear that will be coming out and also a little piano that transforms into a top. The world is a bountiful place.”
Royer was later returned to his cell and no further questions were answered. No food was served.
What is Great Art?
Grette Canyons, Culture Expert
THE CULTURE CORNER WITH GRETTE CANYONS
What is great art?
“Nobody really knows,” says Northern Lankville Museum of Art Director Weldon Freed, age 66. “Sometimes, one has to go on feel,” added the short of stature executive, who sported an impressive array of massive tomes on his office desk. “There can be a sort of spine-tingling sensation when one examines a piece of art. At other times, I’ve felt a sense of heat– deep, penetrating heat generating from the groin and around to the behind area. It really depends on the individual.”
Hundreds of people visit Lankville art museums yearly. What do they think?
“Obviously, there are certain works that you recognize right away as masterpieces,” said fireman Paul Sorrento of Eastern Lankville. “Anything by [Linda] Ten Boom is great. I think the sculptures of Darrell Evans are generally regarded as treasures. Perhaps a general consensus makes great art.”
Linda Ten Boom’s “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion”.
Small Pizza magnate “Inner Hammer” has been a lifetime art collector. We caught up with the executive at his beach cottage in the Teets Island Chain.
“I buy a lot of different things,” stated the enigmatic patron. “I try to spread it around. You don’t want one artist getting his hands on the whole god damn loaf. Not gonna’ be any interest with the Hammer if no one else ever gets a piece of the loaf.”
When asked what makes great art, the small pizza mogul stated, “I have no idea.”
Inner Hammer then had to end the interview prematurely as he was suddenly being shot at by a low-flying helicopter.
“It’s really a question for the ages, one that has no clear, definable answer,” said Freed, who paused to open his desk drawer, tear some meat off a raw chicken and devour it voraciously. “But it certainly makes for a lively debate and I think it’s fun for people. People have fun talking about it and people like to have fun. So it works out in the end, you see.”
Cheap Cup of Coffee Fails at Local Lunch Booth
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lancey Parrishes, manager of a local lunch booth, gave up his attempt to win customers with twenty-five cent cups of coffee, sources are confirming.
He said the cut-rate cup did not attract any new customers but instead caused his regulars to increase their consumption.
Parrishes, who has been shunned, consented to an interview with The Lankville Daily News outside of city limits.
BK: What will you do now?
LP: I don’t know. It’s been tough. It’s been very difficult on my family.
Parrishes (above) has been wearing dark glasses to avoid detection.
BK: How will you go on?
LP: Eventually, I’ll have to go back and face the lunch booth. But, somehow, I…(Parrishes broke down and began sobbing).
BK: Why did you think your little scheme would work?
LP: I guess I thought people would be drawn to the low cost. But it didn’t happen that way.
BK: Yes, people really seem to hate you.
LP: It’s true. I’ve been living on handouts from scary forest dwellers.
BK: I guess you’ve learned an important lesson.
LP: I have Bernie. I really have.
BK: I’m not going to ask any further questions but I do think you should sit here in silence for awhile longer while I stare at you.
LP: It’s…I understand.
The interview ended shortly thereafter.
Lankville Women Open Exercise Center
By Ida Rumpus
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A group of Lankville women opened an exercise center in the Northern Wooded Shopping Arena last night. About 200 people attended the event in which non-alcoholic beverages and a sheet cake were served.
“We’re hoping to explain the benefits of calisthenics and moderate dumbbell lifting,” noted co-founder Betty Chastain, 27. “The center is well-equipped with all the latest tumbling mats, stationary bicycles and pummel horses and we have a clean, modern locker room with shower facilities.”
The founders of the new exercise center are, from left to right: Betty Chastain, Jen Sakata, Pat Bourque, Gene Tennis and Lynnda Coombs.
The locker room was of particular interest to a small cohort of about ten male attendees, who spent the evening hanging around the doorway and closely monitoring women as they exercised in form-fitting leotards.
“We certainly need something like this in our area,” said lurker Bill Herrington, 46. “Just look at these gals go.” Herrington suddenly grunted deeply and bent over awkwardly at the waist as he watched a participant stretching just a few feet in front of him. The interview was ended prematurely.
“I’m a great believer in deep floor stretching as a means of bolstering physical fitness,” said co-founder Pat Bourque, 26. Bourque then rolled over on her back, lifting her sculpted legs high in the air as the group of men took stared aggressively. “As you work the hips and thighs, you’ll notice yourself able to spread your legs further thereby benefiting the muscles of the buttocks,” Bourque added, as one of the men suddenly collapsed and had to be removed to a comfort station. “Stretching is really the best exercise there is.”
“We want our center to be a nice activity for young wives, somewhere they can go after a long day taking care of baby or pounding a typewriter,” said Sakata, 24, who previously served as a physical education instructor. “But we’re also really delighted that these men came to watch. They certainly have shown a keen enthusiasm for what we’re doing here.” Sakata then demonstrated the health benefits of the pummel horse as several of the men followed her movements closely. “Our center is something for the whole community,” Sakata added, as she breathed deeply and grunted due to the exertion.
“Boy oh boy,” noted another of the watchers who began mopping his brow and refused to be identified. “Look at that scissor move. She’s taking charge of that horse.”
The center will be open weeknights until 10 p.m. and can be reached at NORTHERN 5721.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
ROYER COMMITTED TO INSANE ASYLUM
Business magnate Ric Royer has been committed to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, sources are now confirming.
A Lankville Daily News photographer snapped this image of Royer last night at the opening of a new zoo.
Royer, who last night was photographed during the cutting of a ribbon at a new zoo, was clad in an outlandish costume and appeared to have painted his teeth green. During the reception, Royer consumed an entire cake while holding a gigantic pneumatic roof and lathing stapler and pointing it jokingly at various guests. He then consented to a brief interview with The News.
KC: Do you like this zoo?
RR: I am working to accelerate the ecstasy. To merge and to meet the infinitely vast. That is what we must strive for. Also, I would like to know is when my cardboard tureen of fountain soda will be showing up. I can’t even begin to answer your strange questions without it.”
KC(probing): Do you like this zoo?
RR: So far, I haven’t seen any kind of offer that would satisfy me. Not like that cake I just had.
Royer then suddenly fell down and his handlers immediately made the decision to commit the enigmatic executive.
PRESIDENT EMERGES SCREAMING FROM PILE OF GIRLY PILLOWS
President Pondicherry has been hospitalized after an incident which occurred this morning at the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company Presidential Palace. He is expected to fully recover.
Around 4 a.m., Pondicherry was discovered by his man-servant, attempting to emerge from a mountain of girly pillows which had somehow engulfed his bed, creating a dark abyss that nearly suffocated the chief executive. “The man-servant assured us that he had never seen the pillows before,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first officer on the scene. “They were not the type of pillows I would imagine an older man buying,” added the intrepid detective.
Interviews were conducted with several “lower-class” working people throughout the Palace but nothing untoward was discovered.
The President is expected to be released later today.
Balbus TKO’s Lilliquist; Catalay-Sisters KO’s Crispus
By Watts Prisinski Boxing Correspondent
Lou Balbus, Southern Lankville’s crack amateur Junior Abundantweight, added another impressive victory to his string of ring successes last night when he punched-out a clean decision over rugged Hoddy Lilliquist of the Outlands in the feature scrap of a 32-bout card presented by Chambers Company Hand Drills at the Life Lessons Funeral Home Arena in Capital City.
Lilliquist, a stocky-built boy who held a record of three victories and seven defeats, could not match Balbus’ sharp punching. In the first round, Balbus scored several times with hard punches to the jaw, forehead, eyes, nose, ears, throat, shoulders, elbows and wrists of Lilliquist and had his opponent bleeding, vomiting and gasping for air at the bell.
Experts consider Johnny Catalay-Sisters an up-and-comer.
A hint of the final outcome came in the second when, in a furious exchange, it was Lilliquist who finally gave ground and became trapped by the ropes. Balbus drove home several clean punches to the aforementioned areas again and referee W.W. Tarn finally called the match.
In other highlights, Johnny Catalay-Sisters, a Thickish-Moderateweight from the Lankville Arctic Archipelago, delivered a barrage of blows to Thurman Crispus of the Northern Hole Area who wilted under the furious display after just 46 seconds. Catalay-Sisters, who is now 4-0 with 4 knockouts, is believed to have a bright future in the fistic arts.
“I’m happy with the beatdown I gave Crispies [sic],” said Catalay-Sisters after the bout. “I was studying the film on [Crispus] and I could tell that he had a funny habit of immediately retreating to the corner. Basically, I just hemmed him in and hit him until he fell.”
“Johnny pounded the living Christ out of that rummy, no question about it,” concurred manager Lou “Urgent” Cunningham. “That was no god damn contest.”
The thirty other fights on the card and the failure of the air-conditioning system at Life Lessons Arena made for an excessively long evening for fans of the pugilistic art, who began collapsing in aisles or falling out of their seats. Several deaths were reported.
“There were a lot of garbage fights,” noted fan George Potburn of the Southwestern Desert Area. “There was the midget fight, the two fights where the fighters were obviously drunk or high, the one fight that was announced but where nobody actually showed up but they counted off the time for seven rounds anyway. It was a little ridiculous.”
Potburn was later accidentally drawn up into an air-conditioning vent that suddenly blasted on after the event was concluded.
Judges were Buck Knowles, Ernie Salada, and Mike Blapp. Clunt Davenport was the timekeeper and Steevo Burns the announcer. Dr. Yothers was the attending physician.
OPINION: I Really Wasn’t Crazy About the Look of the Little Potatoes This Morning
By Lurv Sprayberry
I really wasn’t crazy about the look of the little potatoes this morning. It’s too bad because that’s a part of my day that I really look forward to.
The little potatoes that shook Lurv to his core.
I won’t say eating my little potatoes is the first thing I do in the morning. Usually, I check out my computer signals and how the glue on my latest model rocket has dried overnight and maybe dump my sheets in the wash basin for Mom. But then I head right out to the buffet- get a big helping of little potatoes and a juice and sit down and look at The News.
I stood over the little potatoes for at least ten minutes today. Something was wrong, I knew it but I don’t think I wanted to know it. As time passed, I could see that the texture was all off. The colors seemed enhanced– they were almost too yellow. And those tongs just thrown in there. That’s the first time I’ve seen that from the Islanders that run the place. You don’t usually see the tongs until you order. But this time, they were just kind of lounging there petulantly. The scene was all off and I didn’t like it.
I asked if they had another pan of little potatoes but the Islander didn’t understand me. He kept pointing to the tongs and I had to finally look away. I know they probably had another pan in the back but I felt, somehow, that they would be exactly the same. That today was just a cursed day. And so I left.
I just couldn’t get over the look of the little potatoes this morning.
The opinions of Lurv Sprayberry are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Chemical Warfare Used on Coyotes
By Dreet Cannon, Desert Area Correspondent
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Chemical warfare, the “last resort” of men at war, has finally caught up with old man coyote.
The Lankville Fish, Wildlife and Small Hill Service here has begun attacking the scourge of the chicken houses with its latest weapon– “the coyote getter”.
“The coyote getter replaces the old steel trap mechanism,” noted Desert Area director Clint Darling. “Basically, what you have here is a stick stuck in the ground, topped by a cyanide-loaded shot cartridge and smeared with a powerful food scent, not unlike, say, the smell of a pizza just removed from the oven.” Darling paused to allow reflection. “Well, when the coyote bites into this little morsel, he is poisoned and his head explodes. It’s quite a site, really.”
Grainy nighttime photograph shows the powerful effect of the “coyote getter”.
Darling reported the number of coyotes killed since the introduction of the “coyote getter” at 1,464. “There’ve been some dogs too, you want to make sure you don’t allow any dogs in the area,” warned the official, who suddenly put on a cowboy hat for reasons unclear. “Also, some chicken coops. People have been putting them inside the coops. You want to make sure you put them at least a good mile away. We’ve lost a few people too. They’re attracted by the pizza smell, I think.” Darling adjusted the cowboy hat. “Just desert drifters though,” he added.
Some Desert residents however are appalled by the “coyote getter”.
“It’s barbaric,” said Sally Quint of the Desert Area Society for the Preservation of Animals, who has protested the mechanism. “It’s just complete overkill. Plus, it keeps people awake all night, these massive explosions every fifteen minutes.”
“We might have to look into that at some point in the future,” noted Desert Area Mayor Paul Priddy, who removed a folder from his desk drawer for effect as an explosion rocked his Main Street offices. “We’ll maybe check out these boys a little but I’m sure a compromise will be reached in the end.”
Car Pushed Over
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A car was pushed over, sources are reporting.
“Some kids got on one side of the car and pushed it over,” said witness Kirk Brocky, 35, of the Outlands. “It’s upside down right now in someone’s yard.”
Police have not been able to identify the car’s owner or the kids.
A car is pushed over by some kids (reenactment).
“Nah, nothing, no information on that,” stated Detective Gee-Temple. “Some kids pushed it over. The car. That’s all we have.”
Brocky, who is unmarried, said he witnessed the crime from a distance.
“I was in the weedy area behind the harness race track. It was from a distance. But they did push the car over,” he noted.
Brocky, who is also unemployed and chubby, said that the kids were wearing light jackets.
“They had light jackets on, like windbreakers. And then they pushed the car over.”
When asked what happened next, Brocky seemed confused.
“They…just pushed the car over. And then I went to the payphone to call police.”
When asked if he had exact change or whether he had to break a dollar, Brocky noted that he had “exact change”.
The incident is currently being investigated.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Onion Ring Trailer
By Ric Royer
The lands of the carnival were brown prairie– cleared to accommodate the various structures. But nearest the gravel parking lot, as the ground began to slope a little, was the Onion Ring Trailer.
The heat was terrible. I passed many people from town, dressed in slacks and shirts, the women in house dresses. So many, not being able to stand the thousand-long line to the one portable toilet, simply urinated where they stood. The children carried cones filled with strange blue ice substances.
I had eaten 19 cotton-candies– my stomach was vastly confused and there was a feeling of great turbulence. I needed something to soak up the cotton-candies and the onion ring trailer instantly beckoned.
A doctor had told me once:
“Eat some fried onion rings. That will settle your stomach.”
I never forgot that sage advice.
PART TWO
This was a part of the lot poorly-lighted, bereft– empty picnic tables, empty barrels. Someone had overturned an abandoned old incinerator, the kind that abuts right up to your building, releases the smell of garbages [sic] into the air directly surrounding your home, office, or business. The positionable “clean-out” doors were swung open in a frank way, there was a skull inside.
I was now beneath the lights of the onion ring trailer. The proprietor was a morbid, putrid creature– I wanted to view his death instantly but he was all that stood between me and those rings.
The sign said “FRESH DAILY”.
“Is that true?” I demanded.
He seemed far away. Finally- “Huh? Wuzzit? Fuckin’ onion rings, man.”
“I’d like five tureens.”
He paused. “How about if I just put them in a barrel?”
“OK. I would like that.”
He filled the barrel with rings and I paid only $1.75 and five carnival tickets. I smothered them in ketchup and then, when the creature turned his back, I surreptitiously placed all the condiment containers at the top of the barrel. I was going to stick it to this creature. I was going to make him responsible. I desired to know that he would be fired, that others would say Look at this god damn lardass. I’m not hiring this god damn lardass. I desired him to sleep in barns, to make his way quietly across pitch-black countryside and to finally be shot down, for trespassing as he attempted to gingerly cross an electrified fence.
I rolled the barrel over to the picnic table. It was then that a figure emerged from the shadows. I cannot say that he was an official. I just know that he made me leave my barrel where it stood and he walked me to a place in deep darkness near the back of the gravel lot and then he punched me until I fainted.
When I woke up, I was in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senseless, a notable mental institution.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK