The Lankville Daily News

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Correspondent

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Institutionalized business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he will construct a roller-skating rink on an unidentified property in Northern Lankville. The rink will be known as Arcadia.

“Everything came together yesterday while I was in this very amusement room playing Lingus Nets,” noted Royer, who will bankroll the entire project. “It will be the grandest rink ever built. I want people to immediately conclude that the construction and design of this rink did not come from the mind of man. That it came from some sort of sentient being in the form of a goddess who descended upon these wretched lunatics in this wretched Foontz-Flonnaise Home [of Abundant Senselessness] and made known the entirety of its queer and puzzling design.”

Royer paused momentarily to return to another Lingus Net session, already in progress. He quickly captured the final net, deposited his sacks and claimed victory over his opponent, a fellow patient. The patient later moped and lurked in a corner.

Royer’s hand-written notes on Arcadia. Note the lime green cardstock with matte finish, sauce stain.

“It has been decreed that we will have giant smoke machines all about Arcadia and that we will have large robotic skaters that will be extremely slow-moving and yet, still quite menacing. They will target specific patrons and pursue them throughout their visit,” added Royer, who watched carefully as a warden entered the amusement room carrying small slices of cake on colorfully-decorated paper plates. “We will have hired dancers in historic costume. We will have skates. We will…”

Royer suddenly stopped talking and wandered slowly over to the warden, who was now placing the slices of cake on a table. An interminable period of time passed as the warden laboriously cleared the table and positioned the cake slices along its edge, in a circular pattern. Royer was observed to twitch nervously and to jockey for position among the other waiting patients. Finally, the warden looked up and nodded. Royer lunged suddenly at the table.

He took his cake quietly over to a corner and the interview was ended prematurely.

By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

For the first time since being committed to an insane asylum on Tuesday, Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has addressed the media.

In a press conference held this morning in a darkened, trash-strewn room at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, Royer spoke with reporters for about twenty minutes.

Ric Royer addresses the media. Note the heavy chocolate cake stains to his shirt.

“Part of the public horror of sexual irregularity so-called is due to the fact that everyone knows himself essentially guilty,” stated Royer, who wore a button-up institutional shirt that was heavily-stained by chocolate cake. “The ordinary man looking at a mountain is like an illiterate man looking at an ancient, esoteric manuscript. You combine these two things together and the only course of action was this, this bastard of a place.”

Royer deflected several follow-up questions from journalists, many of whom were later found murdered.

He did confirm that he will maintain control of several of his business endeavors from the home and has temporarily closed his mall retail-space home.

“My Dollar Bush stores will be operating at normal business hours and I will be continuing my work with the Worlds of Royer Toy Company. We have a bear that will be coming out and also a little piano that transforms into a top. The world is a bountiful place.”

Royer was later returned to his cell and no further questions were answered. No food was served.

By Ida Rumpus

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!

A group of Lankville women opened an exercise center in the Northern Wooded Shopping Arena last night. About 200 people attended the event in which non-alcoholic beverages and a sheet cake were served.

“We’re hoping to explain the benefits of calisthenics and moderate dumbbell lifting,” noted co-founder Betty Chastain, 27. “The center is well-equipped with all the latest tumbling mats, stationary bicycles and pummel horses and we have a clean, modern locker room with shower facilities.”

The founders of the new exercise center are, from left to right: Betty Chastain, Jen Sakata, Pat Bourque, Gene Tennis and Lynnda Coombs.

The locker room was of particular interest to a small cohort of about ten male attendees, who spent the evening hanging around the doorway and closely monitoring women as they exercised in form-fitting leotards.

“We certainly need something like this in our area,” said lurker Bill Herrington, 46. “Just look at these gals go.” Herrington suddenly grunted deeply and bent over awkwardly at the waist as he watched a participant stretching just a few feet in front of him. The interview was ended prematurely.

“I’m a great believer in deep floor stretching as a means of bolstering physical fitness,” said co-founder Pat Bourque, 26. Bourque then rolled over on her back, lifting her sculpted legs high in the air as the group of men took stared aggressively. “As you work the hips and thighs, you’ll notice yourself able to spread your legs further thereby benefiting the muscles of the buttocks,” Bourque added, as one of the men suddenly collapsed and had to be removed to a comfort station. “Stretching is really the best exercise there is.”

“We want our center to be a nice activity for young wives, somewhere they can go after a long day taking care of baby or pounding a typewriter,” said Sakata, 24, who previously served as a physical education instructor.  “But we’re also really delighted that these men came to watch.  They certainly have shown a keen enthusiasm for what we’re doing here.” Sakata then demonstrated the health benefits of the pummel horse as several of the men followed her movements closely.  “Our center is something for the whole community,” Sakata added, as she breathed deeply and grunted due to the exertion.

“Boy oh boy,” noted another of the watchers who began mopping his brow and refused to be identified.  “Look at that scissor move.  She’s taking charge of that horse.”

The center will be open weeknights until 10 p.m. and can be reached at NORTHERN 5721.

By Linwood Probert

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!

A car was pushed over, sources are reporting.

“Some kids got on one side of the car and pushed it over,” said witness Kirk Brocky, 35, of the Outlands. “It’s upside down right now in someone’s yard.”

Police have not been able to identify the car’s owner or the kids.

A car is pushed over by some kids (reenactment).

“Nah, nothing, no information on that,” stated Detective Gee-Temple. “Some kids pushed it over. The car. That’s all we have.”

Brocky, who is unmarried, said he witnessed the crime from a distance.

“I was in the weedy area behind the harness race track. It was from a distance. But they did push the car over,” he noted.

Brocky, who is also unemployed and chubby, said that the kids were wearing light jackets.

“They had light jackets on, like windbreakers. And then they pushed the car over.”

When asked what happened next, Brocky seemed confused.

“They…just pushed the car over. And then I went to the payphone to call police.”

When asked if he had exact change or whether he had to break a dollar, Brocky noted that he had “exact change”.

The incident is currently being investigated.