The Lankville Daily News

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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The new Small Pizzas yearbook, released today, is just pictures of tits according to buyers.

“We expected tidbits on our favorite players, biographies, at most maybe a word jumble but not this,” said fan and yearbook purchaser Randy Partners.  “It’s 132 pages of close-up tits.  It has nothing at all to do with hockey.”

Partners was later lured into a room by the promise of a real yearbook and slaughtered.

“Not sure what the problem is, boys,” said owner and GM “Inner Hammer”, who was reached by phone in the Teets Island Chain.  “Just giving the people what they want.  Nobody can tell me they’d rather see pics of Marian Hossa or Claude Giroux over close-up tits.”

“Inner Hammer” suddenly slammed the phone down and the interview was ended prematurely.

The Small Pizzas are expected to release a statement later today.

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer

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Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” killed two vendors yesterday at the 63rd Annual Teets Island Gun, Swords and Hard Spheres Show held on the island.

“I asked the fat as shit guys if I could see the old pirate-looking cutlass they had behind glass.  They took it out for me, handed it to me carefully and I immediately felt empowered.  So I just cut both their heads off.”

Police are trying to determine if the actions of the executive were in self-defense.

“The act of proffering a pirate cutlass could be viewed as an offensive action,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was flown into the Teets Island Chain to investigate.  “Inner Hammer may have been in the right.  We’re still looking into it.”

“Yeah, it was kind of awesome, guys,” noted Inner Hammer.  “If they hadn’t canceled the event and cleared the auditorium, I would have definitely bought that pirate cutlass even though it was all gnarly and all.”

Inner Hammer has murdered four people over the past two years, all food delivery persons.  Detective Gee-Temple says that the murder yesterday does not fit into the GM’s profile.

“We have to look at all the details.  This is by no means over.  It will probably be OK.”

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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It is reported this morning that Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer has been acting “all grabby” with a large Easter basket display at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.

“It’s been difficult to keep him away from the Easter basket,” stated Warden Jenness, who was interviewed in the front lobby of the Home.  “It’s a particularly large basket that was donated by an anonymous patron and it features a great number of decorative felt flowers with smiley faces, Easter bunny bunting, large chocolate eggs, marshmallow decorative hams, all kinds of stuff. At first, he was really pawing at it– ripping the grass out, burying his whole head in the basket, taking things out and putting things back in. It’s starting to get a little out of hand at this point, though.”  Jenness suddenly became quiet and he was observed to look far down the hallway.  “I just saw him,” he said quietly.  “He’s planning something.”

Royer appeared from around a corner and began running directly towards Jenness with a shovel.  He was tackled by guards.

“That’s like the fifth time this morning,” Jenness noted, after Royer was subdued.

The eccentric GM was removed to his cell and was resting comfortably at last report.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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“The Camp of the Mordant and Unexpected”, which opened yesterday in the Eastern Lankville Wooded Area Region, has been met with wide disapproval, according to sources.

“It’s hell,” said a camper who refused to be identified.  “There are woods killers everywhere.  They just come out of the woods and kill people.  They need to figure out how to address that issue, otherwise, I think they’ll have trouble attracting more campers.”

Camp officials dismissed the complaints as growing pains.

“It’ll be alright,” said instructor Glennx Roberts.  “We learned some things yesterday and we will apply our knowledge to the future and go into the next round with a better idea of beginnings and endings.  We have some very nice facilities here.  It’ll be alright.”

Roberts was suddenly revealed to be one of the killers.  He was taken away.

“Definitely a mess here,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who responded to the scene.  “Looks like they came out of the woods and into the camp.  Then, they killed people.  Then, they went back into the woods.  That’s what I’ve got in my notes.”  Gee-Temple held up his notes to verify his statement.

“We’ll be taking some grass samples, some mud and maybe some of the giant assegai’s that were left lying around,” added the intrepid detective.  “We need to make the camp safe for camping.  That’s our main goal.”

The camp will be closed for at least a week.  Commissioner Pondicherry has yet to issue a statement.

By Hugh G. Pickens
Crime Beat Reporter

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Investigators fence off the sidewalk outside of Boffo Periods.

Pondicherry Association News reporter “The Chimney” was killed last night.  The journalist was 57.

“The Chimney” was reportedly involved in a series of incidents outside an East Lankville nightclub.  Police were involved.

“Witnesses reported that he was in a progressively agitated state throughout the evening,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the scene.  “His condition was worsened by an enormous intake of alcohol and we found quite a hefty amount of island narcotics in his system.  He refused to leave the nightclub despite numerous requests from ownership.”

“He started smashing glasses and taking the shards of glass and slicing people,” stated Reg Sunnies, who has owned and operated Boffo Periods Nightclub since 2008.  “Then, he started slicing himself.  Then, he got inappropriate with some of the ladies.  That’s when we bounced him.”

“The Chimney” was involved in a standoff with police around 2:15 A.M., after refusing to move from the front sidewalk of Boffo Periods.

“We asked him to leave and he said no,” stated Gee-Temple.  “So, we shot him 17 times.”

“The Chimney” was hired this week after reporting on events in Lankville for 23 years.  He was recently divorced from his wife and is survived by a cot, a wicker hamper and some tools.

By Bill Hogg
Grocery Store Clerk

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There’s nothing I like better than to climb in that big ol’ piece of Lankville iron I got parked out front and drive through the streets without stopping. Once, I was able to make it all the way downtown, blowing every red light, without getting caught. People look at that old car and they say, “Why, Bill, that’s a piece of shit.” And I pull my cap down and say, “Nope. There’s power to spare under that big baby’s hood.” And they walk away then.

The Pondicherry book is the sort of thing you can read while driving. It’s also good for that time before twilight when you’re having six or seven beers in the weedy area behind the convenience store.  I even gave a copy to the little pervert who comes into the store and kneels behind the watermelons.  “Hey man, your nuts are as big as these watermelons,” he would say, senselessly.  But after I gave him the Pondicherry book, he quieted down and I found him a little stool and it calmed him for a good hour or two.

Then, there’s that fat lady who fashioned a hook under her skirt and we caught her taking out a couple of hams.  The manager wanted to arrest her but I talked him out of it.  “Go set her down in the corner and give her this book,” I said, pressing Pondicherry into his hand.  I believe it did teach her something.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a thing about smoking cigarettes on a toothpick.