The Lankville Daily News

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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An interview with 24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello was interrupted today by an unexpected tree creature bubble attack.  The executive was unharmed and was able to repel the assault.

The interview, which took place by a series of lichen-covered rocks and small trees, was just underway when Vitiello noticed an enormous vengeful bubble floating directly towards him.  The executive dodged the menace which then reversed course and entrapped and carried away Association reporter Brock Belvedere, Jr.  The journalist is still missing as of press time.

“As I lay in the dust,” Vitiello later wrote, “I could sense that the bubbles were coming from far up on the rock and were emanating from a most vicious tree creature that was ten feet tall if he was an inch.  I knew that if I were to survive, I would have to lure him out of the rock cave.”

According to witnesses, the tree creature eventually made its way out of the rocks.  “It picked up Mr. Vitiello and threw him into a shallow pool,” said nearby resident Danius Zubrus, who was mowing his lawn.  “There was a long period of hand-to-hand combat with the tree creature still trying to ejaculate these large prison-like bubbles and Mr. Vitiello submerging the upper half of the tree creature under water.  Finally, Mr. Vitiello was able to drown the tree creature.  He walked off before we could even offer to help him.”

Vitiello is currently resting at his North Lankville home.   A report is expected later this afternoon.

By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent

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Darkness GM Fick, who remains nominally attached to his club, has grown taller and now wears a cape, sources have confirmed.

The executive, who lives in semi-retirement on the gloomy Lankville heaths, offered no explanation for his sudden physical transformation but expressed an abiding affection for sleeveless topcoats.

“I wear a cape all about the mansion, particularly in my book-lined study, while I mull over sundry topics by the fireside.”

When asked to generally describe the subject matter of his library, Fick demurred.

“Actually, most of the books are fake.  Some of them contain candy,” he added, hopefully.

Fick also noted that his teeth have grown.  “Yes, the weird heath dentist was quite surprised.  He took x-rays but then I believe he lost them on the heath so I guess we’ll never know.  I think he may have died, as well.”

A clatter was heard over the phone and Fick suddenly grew very quiet.

“That’s the loud halfwit,” he whispered.  “I must go.  Things will rapidly deteriorate now.”

The interview was suddenly ended.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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Sources are confirming that Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” today pondered the myriad coruscations of immolation and abnegation and time.  The reflection occurred at a Teets Island “Horn of Comfy” hotel ballroom where a large “pre-breakfast” of bacons and cranny-free waffles were served.

“Yeah, yo, I’ve been pondering the afterlife and all that,” said the executive, who grew frustrated with the fissure-less waffles and their difficulty in accepting generous dollops of butter.  “You think about fire and you think about time and, yo, that shit’ll wake you up in the middle of the night.”

“Inner Hammer” paused to hurl an over-handled waffle into a trash receptacle.

“Bad idea these waffles,” he noted.  “You need to have those crannies to accept your butter.  You just can’t deposit any butter without a good cranny.”

“Inner Hammer” moaned loudly.

The Small Pizzas are currently in third place in the Pondicherry Association.

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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A family of horrible pig monsters disturbed fans last night in a league contest between the Stamps and the Small Pizzas on Hoover Island.

Sources are confirming that the pig monsters purchased their tickets and sat quietly in the upper deck but that their mere presence caused many of the 54 fans in attendance to leave by the second period.

“I just felt that I couldn’t be in the same building as a horrible family of pig monsters,” said Stamps fan Earl Cron of Northern Hoover Island.  “I just kept watching them out of the corner of my eye to see what they would do.  At any moment, I anticipated pig chaos.  I couldn’t concentrate on the game.”

Cron, who is a traditional Hoover Island nudist, was later accidentally lanced.

“It was felt we could not evict the family,” stated Stamps owner and island monarch Aaron Tucker.  “They paid legally and were among the most well-behaved of the extremely paltry, pathetic crowd that we had in attendance last night.   We held a brief quorum and made the decision despite their odious presence.”

The father of the horrible pig family was later interviewed.

“We came to show our support for hockey on Hoover Island,” said the swine, who was drooling in an utterly repellent fashion.  “I think you’re really starting to see the effect that hockey is having here and, you know, I feel like that’s something to be proud of.”

The beast then wandered into the gift shop and purchased some hats and cotton candy.

The Stamps are currently exploring options on what to do if the family attempts to attend further games.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

Senior Staff Writer

Clints Stunt is a Terrifying Bat fan.  He works everyday in a convenience store.  He has a girlfriend named Peggy.

“Eddie-Baby” Rice is a Darkness fan.  He owns a silo.  He sells grain on the weekends.  He pays country girls for coitus.

Lisa Boots is a Small Pizzas fan.  She runs a company that brings melons to stores.  She is married to a man but not in a particularly serious way.

Hockey fans, all.  But is there any further link?  I sat down with all three at a table in a basement.

DO:  So, let’s have a chat session here.  Who wants to open?
ER: I’ll open. I feel that you can look at me and say, “That guy, he’s a barometer.”
DO: A barometer of what?
ER: Values.
LB: Let me cut you off. We have a big cardboard container. It’s open at the top and we pour the melons in there. Every time, there’s this little wormy guy who appears out of the darkness with some grapes.
CS: So what? What’s that got to do with anything?
ER: You look at me and you think, “Now there’s what a Lankvillian man should be about”.
DO: OK, let’s settle down here. Lisa, I think that everyone in the room knows that you and Clint have some unspoken bond.
LB: I guess I feel it.
CS: I admit it.
DO: Clint, what turned you on right away?
CS: I’d say her round pig-like ass. It conforms to a series of ideas and memories that I have.
DO: Fair enough. Lisa, what turned you on to Clint?
LB: The way he carried that box of coffee in here. Something about the curve of his hand. It was deeply erotic and yet unsettling.
DO: Eddie-Baby, that kind of leaves you out of the loop. How do you feel?
ER(crying): I’m alright…I…
DO: Thanks everyone.

Dick Oakes’ new series will continue in further issues.

By Tito Presentation
Distinctive Reporter

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Terrifying Bats GM Cor Scorpionis (formerly Ric Royer) confirmed this morning that he has changed his name to “One Who Uses it Daily”.

A small press conference was given in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness dining hall to a sparse crowd of early-rising reporters.

“One Who Uses it Daily” appeared in a crimson road while carrying an illuminated porcelain Christmas structure.  He paused to liberally lather up a bagel with cream cheese, then proceeded to the lectern.

“It is our [the executive nodded to the Christmas structure] hope that this new sobriquet will evoke our daily life lessons, the creation of a limitless cell of wonder that cannot be contained by four simple walls.  We [the executive nodded again to the Christmas structure] have discovered a new source of inspiration and we have every intent to use this source daily. Now, please, enjoy some of these bread products, traditionally shaped by hand in the form of a ring*”.

The reporters then rushed the bagel table resulting in one stomping death.

Later, “One Who Uses it Daily” gave a brief speech before his cell.

“You’ll note that our [again, Royer nodded to the Christmas structure] nametag reads “Royysticks”.  Although it is spelled incorrectly, it is in reference to my given name and this is no longer applicable.  It should read “One Who Uses it Daily and Partner”.  The individuals that claim hegemony over this wretched community have yet to come to terms with the ephemeral.”

“One Who Uses it Daily” suddenly became dazed and entered a long period of psychogenic fugue.  The interview was ended prematurely.

*Commonly known as bagels.

By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent

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Incarcerated Terrifying Bats GM Cor Scorpionis (formerly Ric Royer) has purchased a mutant sea monster, sources are now confirming.

“There was a nuclear leak off the coast of Lankville and my people immediately made me aware of a most spectacular mutant sea monster that arose out of a drainage canal,” noted Cor Scorpionis, who submitted to a short press conference.  “At first, the creature terrorized and ultimately killed several winos and hippies that were sitting nearby but he was eventually corralled and brought to market where my people were fortunate enough to place the winning bid.”

A special basin at an undisclosed location has been constructed for the creature, Cor Scorpionis also announced.

“I’ve been looking for a new special pal ever since Mr. Chops was abducted,” noted the executive, in reference to his recently-lost dog.

A long pause ensued which ceased only when Cor Scorpionis began vomiting heavily.  The interview was then ended.