Archive
Woman in a Man’s Game
By Robin Brox
File photo
The Pondicherry Association News is pleased to present a new feature by Condiments owner Robin Brox which will explore gender and diversity issues in the sport of hockey.
“Fuck you, you stupid Goombah,” I yelled. Then I threw a framed photograph of my mother at the asshole. That’s when he finally backed out of the office.
I picked up the broken photo. “Oh, Mom,” I said. Then I wept.
On the way home, I pulled into a Meyer’s all-night plantain hut. “I know Shane,” I told the cashier. “I own a team in the Pondicherry Association and he used to. Give me one of those plantains in foil and make it free.” The kid looked at me funny, so I hit him square in the jaw. “Like that baby?” He looked up at me from the floor– he liked it. I told him to lock up.
Afterwards, I sped home at a steady 100MPH clip without braking for a single red light. “Fucking cops. Fucking a-number one fuckheads,” I said to no one in particular. I tried the radio. There was a light little number, light little trumpets. “YEAH, SHITTERS,” I yelled. I don’t know what I meant by it but I enjoyed the Christ out of that song.
When I got home, I kicked the front door so it slammed against the inner wall. There was a big hole there now. I noticed a sickly blue light from the otherwise darkened living room. I stumbled towards it.
Tippy was there. “You gonna’ work on your speech?” he said.
“Your mother’s gonna work on my speech,” I offered.
He sighed. “You gonna’ work on your speech?” he asked again.
“What speech, asshole?” I countered.
“Your speech on the essence of uncolored condiments.”
“Oh, right, that bullshit mouth party. Give me a pen.”
Tippy and I worked for a few hours. Then he put on a program. There were some guys in space that were shooting at some other guys in space. “Look at this conventional jive,” I said. Tippy ignored me and kept watching.
I collapsed on the couch shortly thereafter. I think I threw up in my mouth once but Tippy just bent me over the edge of the couch and let it run out into a pail.
I’m a woman in a man’s game, alright.
Pizzas, 24-Piece Men Complete Swap
By Gump Tibbs
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Small Pizzas and 24-Piece Men completed a trade early this afternoon which saw forward Phil Kessel going to the Pizzas in exchange for forward Jeff Skinner. The players are expected to join their new clubs tomorrow.
“Yeah, happy to get Kussell [sic],” said Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” who was gyrating lewdly above a mass of fetid undergarments. “More importantly can you even begin to fathom the conceptual elements I’ve laid out here? Jesus H. Christ on the cross, this is a construct that you’ll never forget,” the executive added breathlessly before ordering reporters out of the room.
24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello expressed contentment with the deal.
“I’ve made no secret of my deep scorn towards Mr. Kessel,” said Vitiello, who was interviewed while examining an industrial push sweeper at a nearby Home Dump. “I am repulsed by him. I told him not to get too comfortable because it was my intent to trade him immediately. He is a contemptible drone.”
Vitiello suddenly grabbed a Home Dump employee and asked, “Will this sweeper get chips up?” The employee began a long explanation and it was felt we should take our leave.
The trade is expected to be ratified by commissioner Pondicherry within the hour.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Death in My Walls
By The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer)
File photo
It was a lovely morning in Outer Lankville.
I saw a shadow move quickly across the tall window in the front door. Though frightened, I could not help but to think of mammoth bowls, filled to the brim with peanut butter candies. Then I thought of ham again. The smell became unbearable.
I moved downstairs to the phone. “Yep, yep,” I said as I listened to the dial-tone. A man picked up on the second ring.
“Yep, yep,” I said again. “How’s your morning? It’s a beautiful morning.”
“Yeah, guess it is,” said the man. “What can I do for you?”
“This is The Great President of Hell”.
There was a pause. “Oh yeah. Sure. I remember.” The man coughed loudly.
“I smell death. Yep, yep,”
“Where?” said the man, his curiosity piqued. “In your walls?”
“In my walls, yep, yep. Lace those boots up tight and make things happen.”
“I can be there around lunchtime.”
I crushed the receiver into the cradle. The smell worsened.
There was death in my walls.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
File photo
Employment with Vitiello Decorative Hams requires the submission of a profound personal statement. Each personal statement is reviewed by me.
In this document, the applicant must describe, in detail, the personal life journey that led them to the “Decorative Ham doorstep”. Any attempt at circumvention is not tolerated and the statement is immediately fed to a goat. Occasionally, I pay a visit to the applicant and they are whipped mercilessly.
In addition, the applicant must share their interest and enthusiasm for the decorative ham. They must demonstrate what they can contribute to the decorative ham process and they must visualize that their audience is a decorative ham scientist, if you will. And that scientist is me.
I remember when I was fat on chicken, I used cliches such as “making the world a better place” and “that will be fun and interesting.” No more. Now I am a harvester, not a consumer.
I also prefer constant capitalization.
Pucking Around: Brock Belvedere’s Notebook
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
SMALL PIZZAS DOMINATE
The Small Pizzas continued to dominate in Pondicherry Association action last night and have mounted a large early lead in the circuit. GM “Inner Hammer”, who has watched his club on special roving satellite-telescreens from the Teets Island Chain, was pleased.
“This team knows how to get right in there by that net like it were a gaping orifice and then shoot that puck in as if it were a cumbersome but infinite load.”
Following a long, difficult period of silence, the executive suddenly added, “I’m a coital polymath” before signing off.
ASSOCIATION REPORTER HOSPITALIZED
Pondicherry Association News reporter Deacon Casper was hospitalized this weekend after being attacked by a cannibal.
The incident occurred near dusk on Saturday when Casper was placing large blue tarps over his lawn for reasons unclear.
“Mr. Casper’s yard is just a patchwork series of these tarps,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who flew to the Southern Island Lankville District to investigate the incident. “He was laying another tarp down and a woods cannibal attacked him from behind with a big pipe. Mr. Casper was struck several times and dragged into the woods. Fortunately, he awoke just before the cannibal started to eat him and was able to escape and take refuge with some nearby shack people. The shack people nursed him back to health with roots and oatmeal and then he admitted himself to the hospital just to be sure. We are still looking into the identity of the cannibal.”
Casper is expected to be released later today unless he dies.
“NO PANDA PLAN”, SAYS PONDICHERRY
League commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. says that the circuit has not scheduled a benefit for pandas and has no “specific panda plan”.
Dr. Pondicherry, who began his apology tour last night, also stated that the pandas should stop calling league offices and stop sending letters.
“We have a lot on our plate right now with the season just starting and this tour. I have no time to craft a panda plan. Perhaps in the future but I can make no promises.”
Pondicherry then put on a large, plaster Devils head and walked onstage to heavy jeering.
Pondicherry to Begin Apology Tour Today
By Nient Boffo
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Association commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. will begin an apology tour today in an attempt to repair relations with fans left disgruntled over the three-month lockout.
“We want the hate to crystallize and the focal point of the hate to shift away from ownership and onto Dr. Pendischorries [sic],” said Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer”. “We’ve prepared an entire series of little morality plays where Dr. Pandycherries [sic] will appear on hastily-constructed stages as a sort of rapist-monster bent on the destruction of all that is good and we believe it will win many fans back. We have a series of props and costumes that will make the entire performance more convincing.”
“Inner Hammer” suddenly excused himself. “Gotta go get my root honked, boys,” he explained before leaving abruptly.
“I am not entirely pleased with the scenario,” stated Pondicherry, who was examining the series of strange, frightening costumes. “But, it’s what’s best for hockey and I’ve always stood for that. If dressing up in these demon outfits will help, then I’m all for it.”
Pondicherry was suddenly punched hard in the stomach by a fan, who emerged from the crowd of reporters. He doubled over and then fell onto the floor and the interview had to be ended prematurely.
The first show of the tour will be tomorrow night at the Lankville Beach and Sound Area Arena. Tickets are still available.
Great President of Hell Visits Briefly with Team
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer) visited briefly with his Terrifying Bat club before last night’s contest with the Niner Elevens.
The incarcerated owner made a short statement and recited some insensate poems.
“I want you guys to penetrate the pipes,” stated The Great President of Hell, as his team gathered around an ornamental dais in the locker room. “I want as many players to get in between the pipes as possible, even if it means leaving your own net wide open. By doing this, and only this, will we be able to find the…”
The Great President of Hell suddenly paused and stared at forward John Tavares.
“My Lord, you are a beautiful specimen of manhood,” he stated, loudly.
The Great President of Hell then left the dais and had an impromptu, private conference with Tavares. There were no further remarks.
The Great President of Hell has spent the last three months at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Zombie Mountain
By The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer)
File photo
The last town was the birthplace of a famous Lankville politician– there was a little log cabin with an historical marker out front. I parked along the side and found a tour guide.
“What the fuck’s up?” I asked, threateningly. “What the fuck’s this shit all about?”
He wouldn’t answer me so I pushed him aside and took a free fold-up map.
You passed out of town and then up a steep incline that led into the province game area– I could hear errant gunshots all around me and there were hunters in orange hats dead all along the road. I passed by quickly. When I finally got to the summit, the car died– there was a sudden explosion and the hood blew clean off. It was growing dark.
“Better find a barn to sleep in,” I thought. In the near-darkness, I finally located an abandoned structure on the opposite end of a dead meadow. I made my way towards it.
The doors were thrown open in a frank way and the roof was nearly gone. The entire shelter leaned heavily to the left. Someone had spray-painted THE END IS NEAR (YES!) on the side.
I fell asleep in some hay. I had a strange sequence of dreams in which ordinary, everyday objects were presented to me in a highly ceremonial manner. When I woke up, I was clear on the other side of the barn and I had thrashed my pants off.
It was dawn. A heavy storm was overhead– thick, black clouds enveloped the mountain and a strong wind blew through the thick cavities in the decaying structure. And then, coming through the meadow, I saw them. Mountain zombies. The worst sort of zombie.
I ran around back. Someone had left a pile of large, flat baking sheets with a long, explanatory sign. “These baking sheets are too large for a conventional oven,” it read. “They are of little use to me or anyone else in this area. Therefore, we are leaving them here near this barn because that’s what it says to do with them in the long, instructional manual. To leave them near a barn. I don’t know why it says…” I stopped reading– it was insensate. But I knew the sheets would make useful sleds.
And that’s how I got off Zombie Mountain.
Technical Problems Mar First Night of Pondicherry Action
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A series of technical problems marred Pondicherry action last night as statistics, scoreboards, and even lighting systems were inoperable throughout most of the evening.
The 7PM contest between the Niner Elevens and the Uncolored Condiments was played in complete darkness.
“It was terrible,” said a Condiment fan who refused to be identified. “We could hear them out there on the ice but we couldn’t see a thing. Most of us tried to leave but we were stopped by people with lanterns on the ramps who told us to stay where we were or risk being shot. Weird announcements were occasionally made that were distant and incomprehensible. It seemed to become lawless in certain areas. It was a frightening, eldritch evening.”
The fan was later shot.
The inaugural contest at Vitiello Decorative Ham Arena between the 24-Piece Men and the Terrifying Bats was played with illumination but without an operable scoreboard, P.A. announcing or even a game clock. A box score was still unavailable as of this morning.
“I woke up and wandered senselessly in the dark around my kitchen for awhile,” said Bat fan Bud Mountains. “Finally, I got the computer fired up and checked the score on the Pondicherry website. There was a link for it but when I clicked it, all I got was a white screen that said RUINED. And then, after that, I was unable to access any further websites, even sites that had nothing to do with hockey and then a terrible heat issued forth from my computer and it began to melt before my eyes.”
“I had to run outside,” Mountains added, after a moment of reflection.
Commissioner Pondicherry or league officials have yet to issue an explanation for the various malfunctions.
Pondicherry Association Season Begins Today
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The shortened 2013 Pondicherry Association season will begin today with a slate of contests including the inaugural games for the expansion 24-Piece Men, the Hoover Island Stamps, and the Niner Elevens of Lankville City.
The 3PM game between the Stamps and the Oversions will mark the first Association game on Hoover Island.
“We’re completely naked and excited,” said monarch Aaron Tucker, who purchased the expansion Stamps over the summer and whose nation is primarily nudist. “There was a long party last night that has continued into the morning and I’m quite certain that the bulk of our great nation will be in attendance or in front of a television set this afternoon, perhaps with some cheesed nachos or maybe some flattened bean cakes, depending on how one views snack scenarios.”
The 24-Piece Men will host the Terrifying Bats at the newly-constructed Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena this evening at 7PM.
“We’ll be giving away free decorative hams to the first 10,000 fans through the gate,” noted owner and GM Chris Vitiello, who purchased his franchise over the summer. “The hams will be issued with lifetime contracts binding the recipient to the ham and a small section naming next of kin,” noted Vitiello, who was dressed in a slate grey suit with a new sash across his chest that was later revealed to be a cleverly-disguised braided whip. “Fans will have to fill out these contracts before they can go through the turnstiles so we are hoping there will not be a backup at the entrance. We encourage fans to come early. Otherwise, I may personally ferret them out and whip them all the way to the arena.”
“I detest putterers,” Vitiello added before disappearing into a strange, creeping gloom.
A flurry of activity has prefaced the season with the Space Assholes signing several free agents and brokering a major trade with Darkness.
“We’re operating under the assumption that [GM] Nick is dead,” noted Assholes interim GM Codge Partners. “We know that he’s not really dead, that’s he on that orange planet or whatever, but we figure that eventually the madness will overtake him and he’ll succumb to his various illusions and, you know, just die, or whatever. In the meantime, though, we are happy to acquire Daniel Sedman [sic] and to pick up some of those great little French players [sic] to augment the club.”
Darkness GM Fick, who was reached by special heath and moor telex, was especially pleased to acquire forward Alex Ovechkin.
“Alex and I have a special bond,” said Fick, who recently retired to a distant, mysterious mansion on an unidentified Lankville moor. “His new fiance is beautiful and it is my understanding that she plays net rackets [tennis]. I am delighted,” added Fick, whose tone of voice seemed to reveal no delight whatsoever. Fick then handed the telex receiver over to a loud halfwit and the interview was ended prematurely.
Four Association games are scheduled for today and two for tomorrow.
Royer Changes Name to “The Great President of Hell”
By Tito Presentation
Distinctive Reporter
File photo
Incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer announced today that he will now be known as “The Great President of Hell”.
“There is not necessarily a negative connotation to this,” noted Royer, who was interviewed while on a Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness field trip to a nearby amusement park. “It is merely a nod to the 10th spirit, the centaur and my interest in obscure appendices. There could be fifty legions of demons under my command but otherwise, one should not be afraid. Enjoy the amusement park.”
The Great President of Hell then threw himself wildly into a double-laned bouncy inflatable slide and the interview was ended prematurely.
Barlow: I Am Hounded by “the Succubus”
By Clifford Griffey
Contemporary Junior Chronicler
File photo
Oversions GM John Barlow stated last night during a book signing that he is mercilessly hounded by “the succubus”. The incident occurred at a Smalley’s Book and Yellow Pottery Store in Eastern Lankville.
A long line had gathered to have their book signed by Barlow, when the executive suddenly stood up and addressed the throng:
“Folks, I have an announcement. I am followed by the succubus. All the time. It is a frightening and demonic creature that dream-defiles me. This is followed by the creation of a small nocturnal food mess on the carpet. It’s terrible. Now, everyone line up quietly and I’ll sign your book.”
The declaration is said to have cast a pall over the festivities.
“I was hoping to just talk a little hockey, celebrate the beginning of the season,” said Oversions fan Tony Templeton of East Lankville Village. “But when Mr. Barlow said that, it spread fear and consternation.
Templeton’s health suddenly deteriorated and he died while still standing in line.
“It was perhaps an inopportune moment for Mr. Barlow to inform people,” said an Oversions executive, who refused to be identified. “But it’s something he’s been suffering with for years. We all know about the succubus and its apparent violations.”
Barlow refused to answer any further questions but promised a second volume of his autobiography which would address the issue.
Luscious, Sensuous Heiney to Appear on Small Pizzas Jerseys
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Small Pizzas announced today that they will wear a patch depicting a luscious, sensuous heiney on the sleeves of their jerseys for the 2013 season.
“It’s an awesome heiney, boys. Got a red thong on,” noted Pizzas owner and GM “Inner Hammer”. “You look at those curves long enough and you’ll be popping off a can of corn, if you know what I’m saying.”
Several reporters became immediately confused.
When asked if he thought the patch would receive league approval, “Inner Hammer” responded, “Put a near-naked, voluptuous ass on a shirt and you got yourself a wonderland. A god damn wonderland.”
President Pondicherry is expected to issue a statement later tonight.
Royer Watches Draft From Cell Room
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Terrifying Bat owner and GM Ric Royer watched last night’s draft on closed-circuit television from his cell room at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. Veteran Pondicherry News reporter Bernie Keebler had the chance to sit with the eccentric executive.
BK: First off, I’d like to describe the scene here for our readers.
RR: Everything is coming off well. Everyone is pleased.
BK: To begin, it seems as if there are more illuminated snow villages then before.
RR: Yes. I’ve added the Village Tea Shoppe and the Candy Cauldron as well as some further accessories.
BK: OK. Now, the room is also stuffed to the gills with balloons.
RR: To celebrate the draft, yes. Nothing unusual there.
BK: The ceiling and none of the walls are visible.
RR: I can assure you of a construct. Succumb to the mystery.
BK: The draft is currently in process but you don’t seem to be paying any attention to it. For example, your club just drafted Ilya Kovalchuk.
RR: Never heard of him. But I am glad you set the proper mood. This is a colorful theatre erupting with buoyancy.
BK: Do you think you will win this year?
RR: Thank you.
BK: What about the question of winning?
RR: Thank you. Mind the balloons.
Royer gave Keebler a wide-eyed look of diabolical fury and the reporter felt it best to leave. The interview was ended prematurely.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
File photo
Last night, I attended my first draft.
I left my decorative ham factory early but not before calling a meeting in which I excoriated most of my employees. “There should be no frivolity,” I said. “I despise frivolity. The Vitiello’s did not travel across wide oceans in threadbare conditions so that centuries would pass and there would be individuals engaging in frivolity. No irreverence, either. You know my thoughts on irreverence.” Then, I smashed a computer screen over the back of a chair.
I drove to the hotel. Little had been said in regards to the draft’s location and yet, there were Dick Oakes, Jr. and Brock Belvedere hanging around the bar. “We’re waiting for women,” they both said. I eyed them up and down. “You have notepads and press passes hanging around your necks,” I noted. Belvedere looked nervously away– I should have whipped him then. Instead, I found a quiet corner table. I ordered a water and cheese sandwich and prepared.
At 9PM sharp, the draft began. There was a small man at a lectern and after Mr. Barlow of the Oversions made his first pick, the man announced the player’s name loudly and projected his photo on a dim screen. This, I felt to be entirely superfluous. I approached the man as the clock ticked on the second pick. I placed my hands on his boney shoulders. I gave him a slight, toothless grin. He stared back, transfixed. I nudged him gently towards a dark corner and he went along nervously. “The…the pick…?” he questioned, near to a whisper. “Shhh.” I patted him gently.
We watched the 2nd pick from the corner. “Thank you for your service,” I said. And then I whipped him mercilessly.
The rest of the draft went without incident.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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LETTER SACK