Archive
Inner Hammer Spotted Sawing Tennis Balls in Half
By Deacon Casper
Lankville Action News YES! Team
Teets Island Chain Correspondent
File photo
Small pizza mogul “Inner Hammer” was spotted today on the beach outside his hotel room sawing tennis balls in half.
In this Lankville Daily News recreation, a tennis ball is sawn in half.
“He was using a circular saw, sawing all these tennis balls in half and then pitching them into the ocean,” said beachgoer La’Quinta Hoes. “He stood there for over an hour doing this. It seemed to serve no purpose whatsoever. And when he was done, he reared back and lobbed the circular saw into the ocean too.”
Hoes was later either eaten by a whale or shot.
Inner Hammer confessed to the act while interviewed at lunch.
“Sure, I did it. It needed to be done and I did it. Really no big deal fellows,” commented the executive while sitting down to a meal of honey-baked hams, yard sausages, and rare acorns. “Don’t you guys have any real news to report, maybe one of those made-up Royer Experiences or some horseshit from space?”
Inner Hammer kicked a chair over to show his displeasure.
Transform Your Interiors with Plants
By D.N. Yathers
Special Plant Expert
File Photo
It’s a brand New Year. Let’s transform your interiors with some plants! First, consult the chart.
CONSULT CHART
| PLANTS | PLANTS | PLANTS | PLANTS |
| Sprig Spruce | Basket Thrush | Spiders | Fig Branch |
| Yellow | Johnson Weed | Undiscovered Ferns | Simple Flowers |
| Sky Cactus | Ground Covers | House Trees | (Leave Blank) |
Look at how some flowers transform this bedroom.
Have you figured it out? GREAT! The first step is to set up the semi-garden within your home, cupboard or trailer. Be sure to pick out plants that you actually want rather than plants that you really don’t want. The Sprig Spruce, Undiscovered Fern and Ground Cover are most popular among first timers. Not only are they some of the easiest plants to maintain (a man-child can generally take care of them) but they can also be left or “forgotten” for long periods of time. They naturally filter rooms and add beauty to the decor! Even though I’m completely alone, I’m laughing right now because it’s so amazing! Shelley liked that about plants. Anyway, you can research online or just visit your local Home Dump store to figure out which one is good for you.
Now you’ll need to buy some pots. You want the plant to be showy and presentable as well as having enough room to breathe and grow. You’ll also want to pick out a protective cone that can work along the shaft. Now the pot selection will depend entirely on you and your taste. If you prefer a more refined look then go with a terra cota or some glazed pot from a factory. Shelley would have liked that. If you are an extremely meretricious sort of person, go ahead and buy plastic. Shelley didn’t like plastic though; said it had a chemical odor. So beware of that.
Once the potting process is complete, all that’s left is to put your plants in a place that will give them the best combination of sunlight, moderate temperatures and eye appeal . You will probably like to use places like the dining room, living room, or even the kitchen to display your new plants. If you’re in a situation like me, where you’re waiting for Shelley to clear some of her boxes out but, at the same time, making it extremely difficult for her to gain access to the apartment and avoiding her phone calls, then just try making room for your plants as best you can. Keep the soil moist but not drowned and begin spraying the plants on a consistent basis. This can be a calming process– I’ve spent many hours lately just slowly spraying my new plants while going through a complex range of emotions. It’s OK–it helps you connect with the plant and the plant to you.
You don’t have to a have a brown [sic] thumb in order to keep plants. So go for it– create your own plant paradise and brighten up your interiors! It’s AMAZING. Shelley really liked it. Hopefully it will make things tranquil again for me and make my interiors seem like something other than just “four walls”. What creative ways do you transform your interiors with plants? Leave a comment and I’ll publish them in my next article!
Royer Calls Inner Hammer Mummy Story “Shifty Excreta”
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
The Lankville Action News YES! Team
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
In a reversal of customary roles, Lankville business magnate Ric Royer is going on record in stating that small pizza billionaire “Inner Hammer’s” recent mummy account is “shifty excreta”. Mr. Hammer’s story appeared in The Lankville Daily News last Tuesday.
“It’s dung chips. It’s a story that has less value than a basket of dung chips,” stated Royer, who was interviewed in his new home, a shuttered retail space at Twin Removed Pines Mall in downtown Lankville. “It’s a sham that has been coated in a hardened, outer shell of feculence.”
Royer suddenly produced an ice cream cone that had a hardened shell of chocolate. “I got this at the foot court,” he noted. “It’s right down there,” he added, pointing vaguely outside the curtained glass doors.
Food court at Twin Removed Pines Mall.
A shadowy figure suddenly appeared from behind the curtain and Royer demanded quiet and that the lights be dimmed. “It’s that Kites guy [manager of the mall]. He doesn’t want me living in the mall. I’m avoiding him.”
Once Kites disappeared, Royer continued.
“My Experiences are based on a lifetime of travel, interesting moments, sexual intimacy, and food. But Inner Hammer is just a liar. If there are mummies then I would be seeing them at the mall. And I haven’t.”
Royer paused.
He then asked, “You haven’t seen any mummies at the mall, have you?”
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
File Photo
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Recently, I purchased some foam hearts wholesale to sell to certain clients. “You can put this in your office to remind you of love,” I noted. “Only $9.99 each, $12.99 for the red ones.”
Responses varied but I found that the red hearts were the most popular. At $3.99 wholesale price, that’s a nice $9 profit.
“Look at the heart throughout your day,” I advised. “It will remind you of love.”
Foam hearts come in a variety of colors.
“Yeah, you already said that,” said one client. “You said that when I bought the fucking thing.”
“I sense hostility,” I countered.
“Well, you said that the heart played little songs. It doesn’t play any songs. There is no apparatus inside that would allow it to play songs. It’s just more foam inside.”
I put my hands together in a pacific manner, reminiscent of a shaman at prayer. “That’s alright. Remember, love can be dangerous too, full of disguises.”
The client thought about this and eventually calmed down.
Later, I sold him a bag of charcoal.
Return to Hoover Island by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Veteran reporter Dick Oakes, Jr. has returned to Hoover Island to find out more about mysterious business magnate and monarch Aaron Tucker.
For reasons unclear, Tucker has asked me to meet him outside a fenced-in work yard. A comfortable sofa has been placed there; indeed, it appears to have been placed very recently, perhaps in the last few minutes before my arrival. I wait for nearly two hours, listening to the sound of men moving barrels and crates. Occasionally, I look back to see the tip of a large conical object being thrust above the fencing, only to disappear just as quickly. It grows overcast.
Although Tucker does not permit photographs, he did provide this stock image of a (non-nude) King.
Finally, a car pulls up and Tucker motions me into the backseat. It is a strange vehicle like nothing I have ever seen in Lankville and I make a comment.
“Oh yes, all of our cars are made and remain exclusively on Hoover Island,” says Tucker, who is wearing a regal purple chemise, pants roomy in the ass and crotch and a helmet. “They are finely-crafted. Many cross-references are made. It is an extensive process.”
I can’t make any of it out but I know that we are headed to lunch and that Tucker is footing the bill. That’s pretty much all I care about.
We pull up in front of a large hotel. There are fountains with nude statuary. When we reach the lounge, we find several nude patrons. A couple of the waitresses are nude but we don’t get so lucky– ours is fully-clothed.
The nudists of Hoover Island.
“I know that in Lankville, it is unlikely that you would want to be waited upon by a nude,” says Tucker, as he examines the lavishly-illustrated menu. “I can understand that it might be difficult to make food decisions whilst a pair of bosoms lurk just inches from your face. For us, it is highly ordinary. Why, I have had a waiter’s sack so close to my soup that you wonder how it remains, shall we say, out of the soup. But, these men and women are experts.”
“OK with me if you want a nude waiter,” I comment hopefully.
“IT IS DONE,” Tucker thunders in response. Several people turn around in their seats. When they recognize the orator they suddenly stand, bow and applaud. Tucker waves graciously.
“You know,” he begins, piercing a loaf of bread with gusto, “I cannot comprehend the labor problems in your country. Frankly, had I known of such strife, I would not have gone through the effort of purchasing a sports franchise there. The people of Hoover Island want hockey but not at this cost. We find your problems foolish. You are all foolish, sad men, frankly.”
I attempt to explain some of the intricacies of the lockout.
“We do not deal in such irrationalities here. Wearing clothes, for example, is irrational. No one in this room, besides you I presume, is at all offended by that gentleman over there in the booth, his coinpurse resting gently on the red poly-vinyl. Or the good lady in the booth opposite, who, if you look quickly, has one titty resting on the table and one not.” Tucker laughs in a lordly way. “Oh, that has put me in a good humor.”
The food arrives. I had ordered the flounder but instead am brought an enormous lasagna. I feel that I cannot complain– Tucker is watching me carefully. I dig in.
“I will withdraw my franchise before too long,” Tucker announces after a short silence. “The situation grows more intolerable by the day. I don’t think much of your “Inner Hammer” or your Pondicherry.” They are trite men.”
The rest of the meal is eaten in silence, per Tucker’s request.
Part One in a Series
An Interview with Scott Kites
Larry “God” Peters recently had an opportunity to sit down with Mall Manager Mr. Scott Kites, best-known as landlord to Lankville business magnate Ric Royer.
LP: You’ve been in the news a lot recently.
SK: Yes, the circumstances are troubling. Whenever I speak, it’s usually to tout our mall. This is new to me.
LP: Will you be evicting Mr. Royer?
Scott Kites of the Mall
SK: He needs to open his store, sell something or provide some sort of service. We can’t have an empty retail space, even if it is being paid for. Plus, he put up some curtains that have frightening pumpkins all over them. It confuses people. People think it’s a Halloween-related store. Then, they get up close to the curtains and they see that the pumpkins are actually killing people. Scenes of real carnage are depicted on the curtains. I have no idea where he found these things– they’re pretty awful.
LP: Royer has a history of winning battles with authority figures in a demonstrative manner. Do you really think you can take him on?
SK: Of course. It’s a simple procedure to evict a tenant. Everything is handled properly.
LP: You’re just a Mall Manager. You seem to have faith that proper methods will work on Mr. Royer. You don’t seem to understand what is known as “The Darkness”.
SK(confused): Well…as I said…
LP: What you said means nothing. You’re just a Mall Manager. You’re simple.
SK: Look, I have to attend the opening of…
LP: Your grave?
Kites walked away.
Small Business Parade by Shelley Reports
By Shelley Reports Lankville Action News YES! Financial Team
Financial Expert
File Photo
Shelley did such a lusty, sensual job reporting on stocks that the Lankville Daily News is pleased to present her “Small Business Parade” feature. We are bursting with anticipation.
Business: Nuts, Ah!
Location: Twin Removed Pines Mall
Launched in 2007, Nuts, Ah! offers nuts and other gifts out of a kiosk at the popular downtown mall. “People have been really receptive to our nuts,” noted owner Lorr-raine Murphy. “And we’ve drawn an exceptional staff of young female nut handlers who believe in our vast concepts and bring their own ideas and experiences to the table. The vending of nuts is by no means a completed process. It’s growing and changing with the times.”
Business: Compelling Basements, Inc.
Location: A van
Started in 2002 by two brothers in the Northern Hole Area, Compelling Basements, Inc. has now grown to a staff of eight. “We still operate out of a van,” noted CEO Larry Y. Temple. “Basically, to create the hierarchal system necessary to run a business that finishes basements, we work on a patch system. It’s kind of like the armies, I guess. You get patches according to your rank.”
Temple displayed his work uniform which featured 379 patches.
“We do basement rehabilitation,” added Managing Director Gene C. Temple. “We can make a corner seamless and accent it with flourescent lighting. People have generally been happy with our work and we will never revisit your home when you are not present even though we know your schedule and access doors. But that will never happen with Compelling Basements, Inc.”
Stay tuned for further features on small Lankville business in coming issues!
We just wanted to call attention to what a great job Shelley did on this report. She really looked just terrific when she submitted it too– those knee-high leather boots and that red leotard. Wow! Shelley, just wanted to apologize too for driving by your apartment slowly the other night. I just…well…you’re just such a great lady, Shelley!
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Van Gölü Canavari
By Ric Royer
It first appeared in a Pots Barn. I was standing in front of the Christmas tree ornament display. At my side was a shopping bucket. I had already filled the bucket halfway with several German glitter mercury glass teddy bears and Santa Claus heads. There were so many piled in haphazardly, in fact, that many had broken. But I was flush. I could afford it.
I had just placed my hand on a wondrous Red Strobe Onion Glass ornament when the display suddenly disappeared before my eyes. And in its place, was the famous Van Golu Canavari. I was face to face with its evil.
Some people think that the Van Golu Canavari looks like this.
It was as reported by the Torks of the East. Fifteen meters long with spikes on its back, a primordial sort of monster, fresh out of its lake. The Pots Barn floor became puddly but no customers seemed to notice. The tail of the great beast knocked over a lovely stacked crystal floor lamp that I had been planning to buy and its spikes tore into several wool jacquard pillow covers. My body quaked a little.
Then the monster spoke, in Torkish. It was a long, long explanation of some sort.
“I don’t speak that nonsense,” I said cockily. I put some gum in my mouth as is my wont.
The beast reflected. Then, it spoke again, this time in perfect English.
“You must tell the teaching assistants to stop coming to the lake, stop trying to make their films and write their dissertations. They should stop speculating as to why I swim straight in the lake, rather than curving through the water. They should stop asking why I sun myself on that rock.”
There was a long pause.
“I think you should ask if they have another of those lamps in the back,” the creature advised. “It would go well in your parlor. Next to that media stand with the shuttered doors that you’re using as a hat stand.”
“My hat place,” I corrected.
The creature eyed me suspiciously. I stopped chewing the gum. I was no match and he knew it.
And then he disappeared. The display of ornaments was before me.
I ended up spending over seven thousand dollars.
SPECIAL TV UPDATE…Horrible Mops!
A Lankville Daily News and Inflamed by Stars and Blood Exclusive
By Caramel Jameson
ISB Correspondent
The Lankville Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) will premier a new horror series tonight at 10PM.
Horrible Mops!, the brainchild of frightmaster Dean T. Pibbs stars Ken Barney as “Whitey”, a
Ken Barney lowers the mop.
mongoloid school janitor from the Hills. When Whitey discovers that Karen (played by Pares Jorgensen, in her debut) is in love with blonde badboy Trent (played by Ernie Whitt in his debut), he embarks on a savage series of mop murders throughout the school. Will Karen and Trent get away? Find out tonight at 10PM, 11PM mountains, 12PM deserts.
“I got the idea from the janitor at my school who was actually murdering a lot of people,” stated Pibbs, who is also known for his terrorist attack novels. “He wasn’t using mops though, he was just using guns. But I thought, what a great idea– mops! Horrible mops too. And Ken does a great job. A lot of people don’t know this but Ken is half-mongoloid and a little bit murderous himself so it wasn’t a great stretch. Also, I enjoyed being part of the filming and making some of the decisions in regards to filming the lockers. I knew that that was essential to the scariness of the picture, the feeling of being isolated with lockers.”
LBC has completed filming of 210 episodes of Horrible Mops! and is hoping to commission a second season.
Inflamed by Stars and Blood Mourns the Death of Rudolfph Horner
By Caramel Jameson
ISB Correspondent
Veteran actor Rudolfph Horner, perhaps most famous for his role as the “Blue Tiger Man” in the 1956 science fiction epic “Tigers in Ice Land” has died. The headliner fell forward into some soup at the 37th Annual Lankvillicon last Friday. He was 85.
Horner in the 1956 film “Tigers in Ice Land.” Horner is lifting the tiger.
The foreign-born Horner was a sci-fi idol after his Blue Tiger Man role and appeared in several sequels. He did not act after 1967 but appeared regularly on the convention circuit.
“He was a big man, a former wrestler,” said convention organizer Brett Quentz. “He wasn’t very talented at all but he was able to actually lift a tiger and this was viewed as spectacular. He will be missed.”
“I’m very sad to hear of the death of Rudolfph,” said Tigers in Ice Land co-star Maria Bureau-Sisters. “We had nice chemistry together on the set of that film and, of course, it was a big hit. Rudolfph and I had a brief affair and I found him to be a kind and gentle person with limited interests beyond lifting heavy animals.”
Horner had lived alone in a small rancher in the Lankville Hills. He is survived by his house.
Royer’s “Mall House” to Open Tonight
By Larry “God” Peters The Lankville Action News YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
file photo
Business magnate and sports team owner Ric Royer announced this morning that his new “mall house” will open tonight at Removed Pines Mall in Downtown Lankville.
Royer, who leased the empty retail space last week, says that he will be taking up permanent residence at the shopping facility.
Royer’s most recent mental institution portrait.
“This is home. It feels right,” said Royer, standing outside the shuttered retail space as confused mall patrons passed by. “By opening, of course, I mean that it’s my own personal opening, only for me. It’s the opening of my new life here. Ultimately, however, the store will always be closed because it’s my house.”
Mall officials admitted today that they were not aware of Royer’s intentions.
“He told us he was opening up a shop that would carry a wide selection of putties,” said Removed Pines Mall CEO Scott Kites. “We thought it was odd but he had the necessary funding and he certainly had the spirit we were looking for– I mean, he’s here every day, all day.”
Kites indicated that the Mall may have to cancel Royer’s application.
“You can’t live here. That’s the law. Our mall’s law,” Kites added.
Royer, however, was not deterred.
“That Kites fellow has no idea what he’s up against. If he tries anything to ruin my night, I’ll teach him about loss. I’ll teach him about darkness.”
Royer then traipsed off towards the food court and the interview was ended prematurely.
Lankville Daily News Money Report with Shelley Reports
By Shelley Reports Lankville Action News YES! Financial Team
Financial Expert
File Photo
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present a new financial column by noted expert Shelley Reports. Miss Reports will be getting all on top of stocks– doing a little “hands” on reporting. Go ahead Shelley, baby.
Stocks continued sluggish today as the Buntz-Barlow Group lowered its forecast levels for inventory at the end of June. Units for February are 0.4%
Trading was solid in Lankville Futures which saw a rise to 80 with a feverish series of transactions before the closing bell. Packets gained some increase but were naught in the smallish area.
Stocks ended last week with a bumpy ride. The Smalley 500 moved briefly into positive territory by mid-week but suddenly declined after a series of attacks from space. Once the attacks were repelled, the Smalley lurked briefly, then began a slight rise back to expected levels.
Tuesday morning kicks off with earnings from Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc., Buntz Mallows and Chambers Hand Drills. However, trading in candy and shiny minerals remains stagnant.
After last year’s spectacular finish, traders are still looking for signs of improvement. “It’s been a sluggish market, generally,” noted analyst Steves Bore. “We expect this year to be strong but perhaps not as strong as 2013 or 2012 or 2011 but probably better than 2010.” Bore suddenly had his computer screen “accidentally” pushed over and the interview ended in confusion.
Island markets remain consistent and the Outlands reported modest gains.
| Lankville Futures | 14,277.00 | +80.00 | +0.49% |
| Barrels | 3,599.00 | +14.25 | +0.40% |
| Smalley 500 | 1,838.30 | +4.00 | +0.22% |
| Packets | 2.83% | -0.02 | Naught |
| Candy | $1,247.70 | -4.20 | -0.34% |
| Shiny Minerals | $94.50 | -0.07 | -0.07% |
The Lankville Daily News just wanted to comment on the fantastic job Shelley did with the preceding article. Shelley, you’re really amazing, darling. I mean, if you’re not doing anything tonight…well, just text me. Send me one of those “face text” things. Know what I’m talking about, baby?
Royer Rents Mall Retail Space; Planning to Live There
By Larry “God” Peters The Lankville Action News YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
file photo
Lankille business magnate and sports team owner Ric Royer has leased a local mall retail space and announced today that he is planning to move in by the end of the month.
View of Removed Pines Mall, Eastern Lankville.
“I spend 8-9 hours there a day,” noted the executive, who was recently released from the hospital after a zoo incident involving a suction-powered trash receptacle. “It was suggested to me by certain friends and specific lovers that I simply take up residence there to save time and travel expenses. I thought it was a great idea.”
The space, which had previously housed Teppo Numminen’s Baby Pantry, a now-defunct chain, is currently under renovations.
“I’ve given the architects and the engineers my unique vision for the space,” said Royer, who suddenly began removing his shirt. “They are now in the process of attempting to match that vision.”
Royer suddenly began blubbering uncontrollably and the interview was ended.
How I Escaped the Doomed Mummy Island by “Inner Hammer”
Small pizza magnate “Inner Hammer” recounts his horrifying ordeal in this exclusive story.
Right before we landed, I thought something seemed different. The Teets Island Chain are known for their brilliant, sandy beaches but as I looked down, I saw nothing but a mean, cracked airstrip and a grey, rocky shore. I meant to say something to the pilot but my mouth was full of mouth-watering, crisped chicken and I had also shoved part of a buttered biscuit in for added effect. It took me several minutes of chewing before I could speak.
Rare photograph of one of the mummy islands that surround the Teets chain.
But by then it was too late. The plane was in descent and the airstrip lay ahead. I noticed that there was no one about and a deep, ominous jungle lay ahead. There seemed to be no terminal– just a ragged swath of asphalt. The sky grew dark.
The plane landed. “Teets Island Chain, sir,” said the pilot. I knew then that he was an idiot. A staircase made of bamboo was wheeled to our door by a creature like nothing I had seen before. He was dead but undead. I ate some more crisped chicken.
The pilot consulted a hand-map (editor’s note: a very tiny, hand-sized card showing a very large area, popular in the Islands). I believe it was then that he realized his mistake.
The bamboo steps banged against the door. Within moments, the mummies were upon us.
The pilot and I escaped by using our wits, the bucket of chicken and some biscuits. The mummies had great interest in this and we were able to ferret them outside by using the viands as bait. But more mummies were pouring out of the great jungle. They were doomed men and women (white), who had been left here by some unspeakable evil.
One of the few known photographs of “Inner Hammer”.
The pilot made every effort to escape but mummies were holding down the plane. Three times, he took off only to be brought down to earth by the mummies’ pull. The weight was simply too much. We had to lighten.
The pilot looked back at me. “You’ve got to get rid of that giant stuffed bear,” he said. Indeed, while in Lankville, I had purchased a unique item for my new island girlfriend. It was an enormous cuddly teddy bear, filled with four hundred pounds of heavy candies.
“Get rid of it. THROW IT OUT,” he said, his voice betraying deep urgency. “How about I throw you out! How about we let the cuddly bear stuffed with four hundred pounds of heavy candies fly the plane?”I yelled senselessly. It was absurd, I knew it. I was just buying time. I thought for a brief moment of all the coitus that I’d be missing by not presenting this bear. It would be a lot. From really good-looking Teets women. But what could I do?
So the bear went out. The mummies (now numbering hundreds) devoured him instantly. And the plane took off.
I had lost the bear and my chicken meal. But I had lost something more.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Speaker at the Home
By Ric Royer
File photo
Recently, we patients were ushered into a large basement auditorium. Folding chairs had been placed in rows along the floor and a lectern had been arranged in the front. Beside it was a large wooden crate of unimaginable purpose.
We were settled into our chairs when Warden Jenness announced a special speaker. There was light clapping as the man, an ugly man, approached the platform.
The Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
Immediately, it was apparent that his voice belied his appearance. It was fluid and booming, filling the room approvingly. The lunatics all leaned forward with interest though the speech itself was somewhat vague and mysterious.
Upon conclusion, Warden Jenness approached the wooden crate with a crowbar. The top was pried off and the speaker stared into the breach. After some time, he nodded to Jenness and a table was produced with a series of small white cards.
“I will read your name and when I do,” said the speaker, “I want you to come to the front of the room here where I will personally hand you your doll.” A murmur went up about the room, some of it senseless.
I did as everyone else. My name was called (it was pronounced Roy-sticks) and I sauntered towards the speaker at which time I was handed a doll in a box. “Your doll’s name is Geraldo,” noted Jenness, who was standing by with a clipboard. “He is from Spain. You will find the necessary information inside.”
Back in my room, I removed the doll from its package. Its arms sprung straight out and it had a thick crop of yarny hair and was clad in a bullfighting outfit. The card fell into my lap.
This is Geraldo. He is the son of a bullfighter from Spain. He likes hot milk.
I was puzzled. I put the doll on a chair and commenced with my reading of some Snow Island vampire novels.
I suppose that I fell asleep for a short time for when I awoke, I noticed immediately that Geraldo and his chair had been moved below the window. There was a thick strand of rope next to him and a rudimentary knot of some sort had been tied. I called for the guard.
It was Boggs who answered my call, a giant halfwit from the Islands. I showed him the scene below my window. He expressed some doubt, moved the chair back to its original position and confiscated the strand of rope. That night, I was removed to a basement cell and placed under constant watch for 24 hours.
When I was returned to my cell the next day, I received a visit from Doctor Shovels. He sat down on Geraldo’s chair and moved it towards me.
“I understand Mr. Roysticks (it seemed it could not be corrected throughout the institution) that you did not take care of Geraldo. For example, it is noted here that you did not ask for any warm milk.”
I was befuddled and could not answer.
“If you do not take care of Geraldo within the first hour of his birth, he leaves,” explained Doctor Shovels. “Unfortunately, here you seemed to have failed.”
I became deeply confused by the events of the previous day.
“Well, something will have to be done. I cannot recommend you for another doll.” He made a note on the clipboard. “Also, you will have a terrible, uncooked dinner tonight as punishment.” He left the cell.
I never found out where Geraldo went.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
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