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I Want to Tell You About How I Got Back Together with My New Boyfriend!
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you about how I got back together with my new boyfriend!
I had been SO depressed after he broke up with me. I just kept going back and reading and re-reading all his texts, staring at the things we bought together at the mall, going to Pizza A-Round and just ordering a soda, hoping I’d see him. But weeks passed and nothing.
And then one night my phone buzzed. I had already turned out the lights and was just lying there on my fuzzy cat pillow when it happened. It was late, everyone in the house was asleep– I picked it up.
It said, “ash, can i see you.”
I wrote back right away and we met in the parking lot by the woods.
“The guys just left,” he said, looking down at the cracked asphalt. “We had some good ideas flowing tonight.”
I didn’t know what he was talking about but he looked SO CUTE.
“Ash, I made a big mistake, you know. It’s you and me, Ash. I got you something.”
He produced a plastic bag that he had hidden in some weeds. It was a fuzzy cat pillow from the mall– the same fuzzy cat pillow that I had JUST had my head on! I ALMOST DIED.
“I already have this one but I love it,” I said. “It’s part of a series.”
“Oh, I’ll take it back, I can get another one in the series,” he said. He started to reach for the bag.
“NO!” I said. “This…is really special.” I felt like I was going to faint.
He hugged me and then we kissed passionately.
“That kiss was like when the planets come out, Ash,” he said. I wasn’t sure what he was talking about but it was SO SPECIAL!
WE ARE SO IN LOVE!
THIS JUST IN!
Sarah Samways, Contributing Female, crying while underwater.
GIRL SPILLS MILK, CRIES FOR DAYS
Resident “sad girl”, Desdemona Dylan, 19, is reported to have suffered from severe ennui with a touch of a hysteria after spilling a glass of almond milk yesterday morning. Too absorbed in a book of poetry that she was reading, she failed to see where the edge of her kitchen table was and placed the glass down into thin air. Gravity withstanding, the glass shattered onto the hardwood floor and all its contents went to waste. Dylan’s cat got frightened and ran out of the room. Witnesses were on the scene.
“She’s having a really hard time right now,” said an unnamed roommate of Dylan’s, “that was the last of her almond milk until she gets paid from CafHey!, that donut shop that she works at. It’s a big loss.”
Dylan, the sad girl, crying (file photo).
“They make all the girls wear these tight shirts and black yoga pants in order to make tips at the drive-thru window,” claimed Dylan, in between sobs, “and they make sure all the products are up on the highest shelves so when you reach up to get stuff for customers, you’re pretty much always giving them a peek at something. The manager always adjusts our name tags while breathing really heavily and I’m pretty sure I saw a hole in the wall of the employee bathroom. But it’s like, a job so…”
Upon hearing these allegations, CafHey! could not be reached for comments. A crowdsourcing fund to help Dylan get another carton of milk is in the works.
MIRACLE MONEY FLIES STRAIGHT OUT FROM AREA WOMAN’S ASS
Sources are reporting a strange event that occurred at approximately 6PM last night. Area woman, Felicity Finch, 36, compounded by debt and demons, began to excrete twenty dollar bills in quick succession.
“It was quite a scene,” said on-looker Bill Golden, “I was just walking through the park and all of a sudden I see this woman hunched over in pain and then begin to shoot money out of her ass. It was disturbing but fortuitous and, to be frank, I did kind of enjoy it. Things haven’t really gone as I had hoped.”
The event lasted for a good hour and a half and resulted in a pile of money totalling over a thousand dollars. Finch was immediately taken to the hospital via ambulance and was fully examined. Dr. Punav Suresh, the first on the scene, was baffled.
“I’ve never seen anything like this before. The patient did not consume money because she didn’t have any to begin with. What appears to have happened is that due to the high volume of stress caused from the constant chatter of bill collectors, student loans, and random people hitting her up for money, her body took over and provided. It provided in a big way. We are only just beginning to understand the miracles of human anatomy. The body can heal itself in all kinds of amazing ways. All her problems are solved and she looks great.”
The Lankville Daily News soon realized that this sounded like an allegory for prostitution and gave Dr. Suresh a finger wag and a furrowed brow like you wouldn’t believe.
LOCAL TEENS MUMBLE, “GIRL BAND” IN SIGHT
Some local teenage girls were seen breaking beer bottles with baseball bats in an empty parking lot yesterday afternoon. Stolen grocery store carriages were being used for transportation and candy was consumed. One girl was heard to be devising an all-girl punk band for sport and spite, the others agreed reluctantly.
“We can’t play the instruments, but we can learn,” the leader said triumphantly, “We may not know how to read music, but I hear it’s all self-explanatory! We may not have a place to practice but we can break into people’s basements after work! So we have nothing to say, we’ll lead agonizing lives intentionally until we do have something to say! We may be ugly and have crippling stage fright and be kinda dumb, we’ll just put bags over our heads so the audience doesn’t have to see us and we don’t have to see them!”
Running out of breath, the leader collapsed onto the pavement. The other teens mumbled and began taking selfies. The “meeting” later reconvened and everyone forgot what was said.
“We should totally start a band,” said one.
The leader later died.
Blood on the Crown, Part II
Brian Schropp
CUISINE BY BRIAN SCHROPP
There was a murder in the courtyard and chaos ensued. The Master Chef who had created the ‘Crown of Frankfurters’ had been stabbed in the back when the lights went out in the midst of a grand celebration. All those lovely people in their fancy renaissance outfits were now screaming and pushing fellow court members out of the way to make a quick exit. Trampled gowns, trampled foam swords, tears, black eyes. I managed to make it to the platform where ‘The King’ and ‘The Queen’ still stood.
‘The Crown of Frankfurters’
The King was shaking his head solemnly. “It’s really no use all of them running, security would have closed the castle walls. Only a few will be able to scale the wall itself before the spikes go up.”
“Why would someone kill the chef?” I asked, the little hotdogs that were still left jangling from my jester’s hat.
One of the ‘King’s Guard’ (a fat guy in a yellow t-shirt that said ‘security’) brought up the crown and placed it in the King’s hands. He raised it so the light would make the frankfurters sparkle. “Well Bri, it’s all because of this marvel. Somebody doesn’t want to me succeed, more than likely, they want to open a medieval hot dog theme park of their own. The best way would be to throw a wench in this, the hottest food idea of the year coming out. The news about the disaster will drive people away plus The Master Chef was the only one who knew the magical recipe.”
Over the chomping of The Queen’s gum I started to think of who would do such a thing. My thoughts kept wandering back to the person who I saw earlier in the park, Hank Cameron, Manager of Foodville. Sure, I didn’t have anything actually linking him to the crime but I knew the type of fiend he was. “Sir,” I said bowing to one knee. “I may know of the one.”
After explaining who Hank Cameron was the King shouted to his ‘King’s Guard’. “Bring me this man!!”
All the fat men of the guard shuffled out to find him. Things had finally calmed down in the courtyard at least– a good soul threw a blanket over the body of The Master Chef until some sort of authority figure would be called to take charge. Right now with the castle walls up it was all the King’s justice. A few minutes passed– I was talking with ‘The Queen’ (one of the King’s many mistresses) about the cool design on her nails when I heard a familiar voice from behind me. “There you are Bri!!”
Goofy Hotdog Guy- the true killer!!
Scott joined me on the platform in his traditional Deep Eastern Suburban Lankville outfit. I filled him in on all the details. I was glad he found me, I felt a little safer with him there and his firepower. It was soon after that the King’s Guard dragged in the whimpering, sniveling Hank Cameron with his family behind him. I guess looking back I did feel slightly bad for him but I also believe in what many Deep Northerners call ‘karmic justice.’
The battered and bruised who were still in the court gathered around the platform after Hank Cameron was brought to the front. For some reason The King’s voice became overly dramatic “Are you the man called Hank Cameron?!!!”
“Yes-yes.” His voice had taken a high-pitched nasal quality.
“You have been accused by this Hotdog Jester of killing The Master Chef and trying to make ‘The Crown of Frankfurters’ your own. How do you plea?!!”
I think Hank Cameron was too upset to really notice it was me. “I didn’t do anything I swear!!” To see such a man of authority reduced to a babbling mess was something.
The King’s eyes were cold and hard. He was about to pass judgement when an old lady wearing a robe with moons, stars, and hot dogs on it stepped out of the crowd holding a small crystal ball. Her free hand was waving over the ball while she was speaking. “My King, this is not the man who committed the evil act. The man who planted the blade is the one who is truly one with the hot dog!”
“What the hell does that mean?” The King questioned. Everyone was scratching their heads, who could that be? Most everyone here had such a deep passion and love for hot dogs.
From the corner of my eye I just happened to notice the goofy guy in the hot dog outfit who brought me here trying to sneak out. “It’s him!!” I said loudly pointing towards the door. The goof quickened his pace, I was pretty nervous the fat men of the King’s Guard wouldn’t be able to catch him. Scott pulled out one of his handguns and shot the fleeing frankfurter in BOTH knees, he’s always a good shot. Screaming in pain he was dragged before the King while Hank Cameron crawled away sobbing to his family.
The King had a tear in his eye. “Why would you, the goofiest hot dog of the court do something so foul and betray me?!”
Pausing in the pain the goof gave a twisted a smile. It looked like he was about to reply but instead the maniac pulled a small blade out in an attempt to kill the King!! Again Scott was on top of his game putting a bullet between his eyes.
After a moment of deep breathing, the King walked over to Scott and kissed his hand. “Sir, thank you for saving me. I am forever in your debt, maybe one day both the Northern and Eastern sides of Deep Suburban Lankville could put aside their trivial differences and live as one.”
Scott- now an honorary member of the ‘King’s Guard’
“Whatever, if you owe me a favor can you get me the numbers of those two rather busty barmaids you have working for you?”
The King smiled “Someone bring me their employee files!!” Everyone on the court cheered and the party started up again like nothing had even happened. The music was playing and even better, plates of food were coming back out. Among the best was another new idea called “Micro Dogs” delightful miniature hot dogs that hit the spot.
I watched while the King place ‘The Crown of Frankfurters’ in a glass box. “This is the only one now Bri. we must take care of it. A shame it will never be eaten.” Now a tear was coming to my eye.
Sometime later the castle walls must of been opened because Gee-Temple came in with a few cops. He wanted to see the bodies but somehow during all the merriment someone removed both bodies without anyone noticing. Also no one could find the old lady with the crystal ball. Hank Cameron wanted to file charges against me and just about everyone there but the King gave his family lifetime passes to the park. I guess no report was made.
On the car ride back Scott seemed pretty pleased with himself rocking out to Lankville’s hard rock station 103.5 ‘The Hammer’. He was given a special pin- a hotdog with the words ‘King’s Guard’ scribbed into the bun. He had put it on his traditional Deep Eastern Suburban Outfit, maybe, just maybe there was hope for all the suburban areas to come together some day,
Until next time dear readers- keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
Meet the Reporters of The Lankville Daily News
By Buck Igloos
The first job I had was writing copy for hotel pamphlets. The guy that gave it to me– he said, “Now look, Igloos. I’m giving you a real shot here. Don’t blow it.” So, I went home and just about stayed up all night. Nothing was working– I’d put something down on the page and then just as soon I’d tear it up. I must have filled about five wastebins with crumpled paper. My lover at the time, she said, “I’m getting tired of emptying this wastebin, Buck. Whyn’t you come to bed?” She was a lovely girl– gorgeous hair. My God, I was crazy about her.
Anyway, it must’ve been about 6 A.M. and I was due in in an hour. And then finally it came: “offering its guests convenience and quiet relaxation in a quaint setting”. I jumped in the air. I had nailed it and I knew it. Then, as if it came from above, I wrote, “only six miles from Lankville’s capital.” I couldn’t believe it.
The boss, he read the paper a couple of times over while he sat on the side of his desk smoking a cigarette. Eventually, he looked up.
“You wrote this, Igloos?”
I was really sweating. Didn’t help that I had an all-brown suit on that wasn’t breathing for shit.
The boss cleared his throat. “It’ll do,” he said.
I got the hell out of there. But later, at lunch, some of the fellows keyed me in.
“Yeah, the boss couldn’t believe your work, Igloos,” a guy named Jimmy told me. I’ll never forget him because he died later. “The boss was telling his secretary– this Igloos– he’s good. He’s real good” and then he phoned up the regional manager and told him he was putting you on all the quaint hotel accounts.” Jimmy slapped me on the back and I coughed up a bit of porridge. But I didn’t care– I had made it. It was going to be all uphill from there.
And it has been. I’ve been lucky. Married a lovely girl- not the same girl but another lovely girl with lovely hair. Cries a lot but what can you do?
Buck Igloos has been a feature reporter for The Lankville Daily News since 1993.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
The only grocer in my tiny childhood village was an aged man who operated a small corner store that was often bereft of useful items. The name on the sign was “H.W. Yeast and Sons” but everyone referred to the man as “Old Yeast”.
Dad would say, “Go up to Old Yeast’s and see if he has any hangers. We never have enough hangers in this house. Look at all the clothes that just sit around in torn boxes.” He would hand me some money then and go back to watching small motel girl wrestling on a little television propped up by a phone book.
I would walk up the big hill, past the cramped avenue of derelict shops and houses and finally arrive at Old Yeast’s. There were always a series of wooden boxes out front with a selection of desiccated fruits and vegetables thrown in for effect.
The door had an old cowbell that rang unnaturally loud and then you would wait awhile in the dusty haze until Old Yeast suddenly appeared. It was always a most uncanny entrance for there was no further room from which the little man could emerge and there was no back door. I would always keep my eyes focused directly on the dim area behind the counter but invariably I would be distracted by something– some canned good perhaps or a poorly-presented display case chuck and suddenly the strange figure would be before me in his blood-stained waist apron, immaculate white shirt and short black tie.
“You have not corralled your wardrobe properly,” he said, on that particular day. “You require hangers”.
I could not speak. Old Yeast had read my mind.
“I admire an organized man,” said Old Yeast. “A man who can get dressed in the morning with minimal effort. A series of brisk, yet controlled movements. Only a mongrel would dress out of cardboard boxes.”
He mused on this.
“When the necessary elimination comes, only the organized will survive.”
I stared at a suddenly animated pinwheel sticking out of a tall barrel.
“Dad wants…the hangers,” I said, extending a crumpled bill.
“Oh, yes, well I don’t have any. I haven’t had hangers in years. They’re on order.” And suddenly Old Yeast seemed to disappear. I could no longer locate him in the dim area behind the counter and he did not respond to my calls.
A fog suddenly crept in and it became even darker in the dim shop. I left and walked back down the hill to the disused train station and the lichen-covered stone walls. To my amazement, Old Yeast suddenly appeared before me.
“Can you envision a sort of fierce, uncompromising train that would come along here?” he asked. He stared at the tracks above, a line long out of service. He was patently younger. “This would be a train that would have no earthy destination,” he said again.
“Do you mean…it would be…it would go to the moon?” I asked, nervously.
“No,” Old Yeast said softly. “Space does not exist. I mean a train that would travel to some inner world destination. Some sort of nether region. I don’t really care for groceries.”
The latter comment seemed an afterthought.
We waited by the station for some time. Rain began to fall. I grew agitated. I knew that Dad would be expecting hangers. Or perhaps not. He was a forgetful sort of man.
“It will come,” Old Yeast assured me.
I have forgotten how the day ended.
Blood on the Crown
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
I couldn’t believe my luck, me of all people the winner of two FREE passes to ‘Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’!! Since the place opened last year it’s become the hottest attraction around Deep Northern Suburban Lankville. Oh, the tales I have heard coming out of those castle walls! Combining elements of modern renaissance fantasy with delicious innovative hot dog inspired dishes, no wonder it’s a big hit!!
Since I won the passes from work (listening to ‘Kooky’102.9 Lankville’s Home of Good Time Oldies) and using the ‘Pizza-A-Round’s’ telephones (only hung up on a few customers) my manager, Scott said I had to take him.
Now Scott wouldn’t of been my first choice to take. Don’t get me wrong– he’s a OK guy just not what I would call a ‘culinary expert’ per say. He’s more of a ‘puking up nachos in the back of a loose woman’s car at 2AM’ sorta food guy. But here we were beyond the castle walls and dare I say the whole place was wonderful and enchanting!! To be honest I was a little worried about being with Scott at first. He had decided to dress in traditional Deep Eastern Suburban Lankville clothing. “It’s my roots Bri, if some northerner has a problem with it then we can have ‘words’.” Luckily he was already a little drunk and just the charm of the place swept him up and put him in a good humor.
’Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’
I instantly got a ‘Sir Duke’s Weenie’ with extra relish and a “Pointed Frank” stuffed with creamy cheese filling. The tales were so true– these dogs did not disappoint!! Where did they get such top of the line franks from? I also got Scott a few things to keep him happy (my folks made sure I had plenty of cash on me). He particularly enjoyed the ‘Bishop’s Dogetty Wiener’ which was two franks stuffed into one bun.
We walked around the various tents and cardboard facades which were made to look like medieval shops in wonderment. How much medieval hot dog related merchandise could there possibly be? The answer-A LOT!!
I wanted to buy Scott a ‘I’m Goofing Around With A Wiener’ t-shirt but they were out of stock on his size.
“Gotta be a Triple-XL, Bri, I gotta’ have room to move,” he noted.
’Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’
The only dark spot at this point was seeing Hank Cameron, manager of Foodville there with his ‘family’. I haven’t seen my arch nemesis in quite awhile and in fact I still had to legally be so many feet away from him. It was pretty crowded so I figured if I just kept my distance things would be fine.
Scott and I stopped to watch a wonderful group of renaissance singers sing songs about hot dogs. They had drawn quite a crowd with kids dressed in foam knight outfits running about waving foam hot dogs which looked like swords. Such a magical experience to watch unfold.
At this point Scott saw rather two well-endowed bar maids heading over to the more adult drinking area of the theme park. “Well Bri, I’ll catch up with you in a little bit.” So I was left alone to my adventure along the cobble stone streets. It was a little while later (after stopping at the Dog Eat Dog Cafe for lunch) that some goofy guy in a hot dog costume (who seemed to be in a hurry) stopped me.
“Hey you’re Brian that cuisine writer for the paper, right?”
After saying I was he grabbed my wrist and started to drag me along with him. “You’re just in time-there is about to be a huge food unveiling at the main castle!! Some say it’s going to be the grandest medieval hot dog revel of all time. The King and the Queen will even be there!!”
Delightful renaissance singers singing ballads about hot dogs
Having no real time to process what was going on I went with the flow. The ‘main castle’ is usually heavily guarded by the ‘King’s Guard’ (fat guys in yellow t-shirts that say security on the back) but with this goofy guy in the hot dog suit we got in pretty easy.
He led me up and down many steps and then through a courtyard that eventually led back into the castle and we were soon in a glorious ballroom. There were many women and men dressed in their royal finest. The goof introduced me to a few “lads and lasses” as he called them and many knew who I was- I felt like a mini celebrity almost!! Everyone was in a big flutter over this unveiling and were glad I was here to cover it for the paper. Someone even put a jester’s hat on me with little hot dogs dangling off them. It was a big laugh!!
The goofy guy in the hot dog outfit
Soon the grand entrance was upon us, a bunch of guys dressed in appropriate courtyard attire came racing in lining up to blow their horns. The goof in the hot dog suit said loudly “Here comes the King!!” Everyone applauded as ‘The King’ (the owner) and ‘The Queen’ ( I heard it’s usually some woman who he is currently cheating on his wife with) came in waving. The King got up on a podium to speak. He proceeded to make a small speech on how excited he was to see all the donors to the park present and then began talking up the newest food item that would be on their menu. The King proclaimed it would put ‘Sir Frank’s’ on the map for all of Lankville, this was a top secret project known only to his master chef and a few select others. He then swept his arms, “Ladies and Gentlemen I give you—THE CROWN OF FRANKFURTERS!!!!”
The horns started up again and the master chef rolled in a huge table with ‘The Crown Of Frankfurters’ at the center. Everyone of the court (myself included) were just in awe. Our mouths were open but unable to speak. I now knew what it must have felt like at the first board room meeting when they invented ‘Lankville O’s’. The whole ‘crown’ seemed to have an unearthly glow around it almost like if you took a bite the taste would send you straight to eternal happiness.
”I give you–THE CROWN OF FRANKFURTERS!!!”
Out came the ladies who were singing earlier to perform again. It seemed like the joy of the event would not end. Sadly things were about to take a dark turn-the lights went out followed by a blood curdling scream and then mass chaos. I felt myself being bumped into by fleeing royalty in the dark, someone may have took a small wiener or two off my jester’s hat. When the lights were finally turned back on the King’s master chef lay dead on the floor with a knife in his back and ‘The Crown Of Frankfurters’ was gone!! How could this have happened? Who would do such a thing? Next week I will give you the chilling details. Until then keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas, Happy Eating- Bri!!
Ask a Medievalist
By Pa-hinn Cruikshank
In a new feature for the Lankville Daily News, we decided to take advantage of the rich intellectual resources the area has to offer by putting some pressing questions to Dr. Emma T. Hogg, Visiting Professor of the Dark Ages at Lankville State University. Dr. Hogg sat down with Pa-hinn Cruikshank, special reporter on the medievals, to answer reader queries on the Middle Times.
Dear Dr. Hogg:
So what’s up with all those funny hats?
– Sincerely, Chapeau-no
Dear Chapeau:
Funny hat (file photo)
The medievals wore hats for a variety of reasons, much as we do: to protect themselves from the weather; to prevent roving bands of children from viciously making fun of them; and simply for the sake of fashion. But one ubiquitous fact of life more than any other during the Middle Times made people wear funny hats: Critters. Critters infested medievals’ beds to such an extent that poets often complained about them in their verse. Who can forget these immortal lines from the opening of Humffrey Jaussler’s Cadbury Canticles, in which he describes villagers
That slepen al the nyght with open eye,
So priketh hem nature in hir corages…
Of course, what Jaussler means is that “nature” (in the form of critters) is “pricking” the sleeping villagers in their “corages,” or “orifices,” forcing the villagers to sleep “with one eye open.” Therefore medievals often kept their ears and mouths completely covered, with a large funny hat pulled down to their noses, fitted with a thin tube for breathing.
Doc Hogg:
No computers. No phones. No cameras. They didn’t wear t-shirts with catchy slogans on them. Only the lucky few had writing utensils. My question: How did the medievals ever remember anything?
– Memory Lame
Dear Lame:
One of the few remaining medieval “memory holes” photographed in 1961 (now the food court at a mall in East Lankville).
It is indeed a mystery to the modern soul, ensconced in all the technological accoutrements of contemporary culture, to understand how people from previous ages ordered dinner, let alone “connected” with one another, kept appointments, and so on. One could not merely enter information into one’s Blackberry and be reminded with a series of beeps, vibrations, and whistles. So how did they do it? Believe it or not, the medievals had a complex system of memorization that involved peach pits, small pebbles, and elaborate patterns on stone floors. In short, whenever a medieval needed to remember something, he or she would whisper that information into a peach pit and then carefully toss it into a “memory hole” – a large, circular maze-like design on a communal floor, usually located in a shared courtyard. For more complicated information, such as the dates of nieces’ and nephews’ birthdays, they would attach small pebbles to the peach pit using bits of string. Whenever they needed to recall those details, medievals would slowly wander about the maze, “listening” for the pits and pebbles to whisper it back to them. This explains why one often sees artists’ renderings of hooded figures tromping about in solemn contemplation, with heads bowed – they’re wandering down the “memory hole”!
Dear Dr. Hogg:
The other night in bed things were getting hot and heavy with my boyfriend. We were whispering sweet nothings in each other’s ears when suddenly he murmured, “I wanna get medieval on you, baby.” Something about the way he said it and the odd gleam in his eye stopped me cold. I quickly made an excuse, put my pantaloons back on, and ran home. But now I’m intrigued – and wondering if I bolted too soon. What did he mean?
Damsel in Distress
Dear Damsel:
Adult toys were sold much in the same manner that they are today.
One of our main misconceptions about the Middle Times is that people did not enjoy sex. Wrong! Of course they did, in a variety of positions and with an array of partners. They just didn’t brag about it in songs or on talk shows. The medievals actually had quite a sophisticated and sensual attitude towards the erotic arts, passed down in coded manuals translated from the tongues of the ancients. One such practice involved “chin-chucking,” in which a man would rub a woman’s chin in a counter-clockwise motion while chucking carrots, bits of meat, and other foodstuffs into an iron pot, set simmering over a small fire. Once the man had successfully filled the pot, the woman took over, rubbing the man’s chin with a clockwise movement and ladling out stew from the pot. They would continue this way until sated, gastrointestinally and otherwise. A related practice was called “chirping” – the man would hide under a woman’s window and “chirp” up at her with a variety of elaborate bird-calls. Describing one such paramour, Humffrey Jaussler writes, “He syngeth brokkynge as a nyghtyngale,” meaning “He breaks into song like a nightingale.” Women loved such wooing! They often opened the window and made their own animal sounds in reply. So my advice: next time you and your boyfriend are whispering sweet nothings, take charge, and tell him you’d like to “get medieval” on him, too!
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was a bunch of us standing out in the desert watching a couple of guys fight with knives. I put a bet down on the Outlander– he was a big sturdy guy in a stretched t-shirt. There was a message on the t-shirt– it was a little cartoon bird with a word bubble that said, “I look good in green” even though the shirt was orange. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
The fight went on for a good hour– both of these hicks making all sorts of feints and then pulling back. I walked over to the guy that had collected the money.
“Give me my bet back– this ain’t going nowhere,” I said.
“Fuck off, Oakes,” he shot back. “Look here, your boy just got a good cut in.”
Sure enough, the Outlander had pierced the other guy’s thigh. Blood was everywhere- all over the sand. They called it.
I ended up with about $75.
I huffed it into town and started looking around for a bed for the night. Found a place called the Moongate– the office looked like it was wearing a gold crown. I couldn’t make nothing out of it but the lot was clean. They had just put the sign on– the light was fading down over a copse of half-dead trees.
The manager was a tall, angular kid leaning back on a stool and reading a coffee table book called Hot Air Balloons. He threw it under the counter when I walked up.
“You don’t have to throw your book around,” I said. “I don’t care none.”
He got real red. “What book, mister? I didn’t have no book. We only got a couple of suites left. It’s vacation season.”
I took the suite. I was flush. I even had the kid order me up a Coronado plate and some french fried potatoes and have it sent up to the room.
“Put a dollar on there for yourself,” I said. I took a mint out of a little jar on the counter and immediately cracked a molar.
“Those are made of steel, mister. Just show mints. You alright?”
I’d figure I’d live.
The room was done up in turquoise carpeting with an orange sofa and settee. I put the teevee on and flopped on the bed. There wasn’t a lot of give but it’d do. Some nonsense came on about some cowboys who were trying to traverse a perilous gulch. After awhile, they fell into the gulch. The camera remained focused on the spot where they had been– it seemed like minutes passed– you kind of thought they were going to climb back up but they didn’t. Then the credits went up. I couldn’t figure on it.
A knock came at the door then and a little redhead in a checked outfit and white skirt pushed the food through. I thought about how I hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning.
I gave the redhead a tip and slapped her on the ass as she was leaving. She turned around.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve, mister.” Her eyes were like bullets.
“Well, that’s what they say about me,” I responded. “They say, that Oakes, he shoots from the hip.”
“Is that why you were assing off in the desert– watching a couple of bums fight with knives earlier?” she said. “I saw you– I drove by in my car. You’re just a bum yourself.”
I ushered her out. I didn’t feel like it none. Another show was coming on– it was cowboys wandering alongside a gulch again. It didn’t make no sense– none of it.
But the eatin’ was good.
Bumpkin Vanishes Here: May Be Victim of Kidnappers
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
CAPITAL CITY, LANKVILLE, June 10– Jackie Keys, a bumpkin, 63 years old, and successful owner of Keys’ Newspaper and Beer Hut in Northern Lankville, has been missing since Monday afternoon, when he checked out of the El Patio Motel here and left no word of his plans.
Lankville police and The Lankville Bureau of Probes have been searching hospitals, hotels, bus stations, and highway median strips for the missing man. Because he is a wealthier bumpkin, it is feared by some that he may have been kidnapped.
“It is very easy to lure a bumpkin,” noted Detective Houston Gee-Temple, who is spearheading the search. “The bumpkin believes any and all promises, particularly if little objects that light up are proffered. They can also be susceptible to things that appear to be rather ordinary but then are revealed to have a second unexpected feature such as, say, a pencil that also has a clock in it.”
Mysterious Phone Call
A mysterious phone call to the Bureau of Probes last night by a person in the Southern Desert Area who represented himself as a bumpkin relative of Keys, has further complicated the case.
“We are inclined to view that phone call as a ruse,” said Gee-Temple, who was interviewed while staring at a pencil that also had a clock in it. “It may have been the kidnappers, attempting to establish communication with the bumpkin Keys’ family with a view to ransom. Unfortunately, they hung up before we could ascertain anything further.”
Bumpkin relatives have been notified and are attempting to take part in the search.
Pays Bill and Leaves
Last known image of Keys is this secret hidden surveillance photo from his room at the El Patio Motel.
Employees of the El Patio Motel were quizzed last night as part of the investigation. Nothing unusual was reported.
“He paid his bill and then he left,” said the counterman, who asked not to be identified. “He left the room in alright condition, although the teevee never has worked well since.”
When he left the El Patio Motel, Mr. Keys was described as wearing a “loud outfit of shorts and a sleeveless jersey”. He carried no luggage but had some clothes stuffed into a plastic grocery bag.
Gee-Temple believes it may be possible that Keys is wandering about the city.
“Bumpkins tend to get confused by a lot of buildings. Sometimes, it can be problematic for them to find their way out,” the intrepid lawman noted.
The search continues today.
Odds and Ends by Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
After the events surrounding the pizza delivery to President Pondicherry (please see my last two thrilling articles), there is both good and bad news. The good being that the President was very pleased to hear about our fast professional service of bringing the ‘Mid Morning Snack Pizza’ to the three presidential dogs (all named Mr. Peepers). Unfortunately, he also decided to name the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ the best place to get your pets a pizza. Which believe me– any endorsement from Pondicherry is great but this isn’t actually what Scott was hoping for. I went hard to work in trying to come up with a few ideas to capitalize off this and try to keep my manager’s spirits up (otherwise bloodshed was sure to follow). My efforts are turning out to be a bit of a struggle. I had to use a bit of my own money to purchase a can of dog food (had no choice but to let Chet Cameron pick it up from Foodville since they had it the cheapest) which I then put on your basic cheese pizza to run through the oven. The results were pretty disastrous. After airing out the place and calling an ambulance (some guests in our dining area said they were feeling ‘sick’ because of the smell) Scott told me if I pulled something like that again it would be ‘end days’ for me.
My manager Scott relaxing at home.
Honestly, I’m not too worried about it, I know he is just frustrated by the whole ordeal. The other day we had a customer come in and ask innocently enough if we carried actual dog food now since the “Lankville Pet Palace” was closed. Without listening to reason Scott jumped the counter and chased after the guy. A little while later after Scott came back some of us at the pizza shop tried to ask what happened but he was silent on the matter. So please if you were that customer can you please contact me via the paper so I know you are OK?
In other exciting news my friend, Trucker Joe told me about a new exciting tattoo trend at his favorite hangout “The Deep Northern Suburban Lankville Trucker’s Pool and Spa Association” and that tattoo is of me!!!
The now trendy BSS tattoo.
“They have really taken a shine to you there,” Trucker Joe was telling me as we both lounged in tubs at ‘Subs ‘N’ Suds yesterday. “I think it looks pretty cool. One guy, Carl has it on his bicep just above his ‘I heart Mom’ tattoo. Carl looks mean on the outside, inside he is just a big softie. He was telling me with a slight tear in his eye how much he liked talking to you about food, said it reminded him of talking to his Granddad about breakfast sandwiches on the front porch swing as a kid. Now he says his Granddad just haunts him in his dreams. I think he might of knifed him as a teenager over some sort of trucker’s dispute. Anyways, “Sassy Molly’ got one too, pretty sure she has a thing for you– always saying how ‘cute and chubby’ you are. You might be able to see it for free but she’s got it in a spot other truckers have to pay to see.”
I’m glad Trucker Joe was able to pull some strings at the tattoo parlor so I could share it with you.
I find it a great honor and one I do not take lightly. I feel a strong kinship with all the male and female truckers of Lankville– their sense of the open wonder of the road, our same fear of Highway 71 (also known as ‘The Badlands’) and most importantly our wonderful huge appetites. Keep on truckin’ my friends!!
And lastly, I have been receiving many letters through the paper about sharing some of my ‘cutting edge’ culinary recipes I work on at home. So here is one of my more recent creations– ‘Lankville O’s Gelatin Dinner Time Surprise’. Ingredients you will need- one can of ‘Lankville O’s’, one prepackaged box of gelatin (any flavor would do, I prefer the red or green stuff), prepackaged tomato bits, any other vegetable or meat scraps you might think will work (I have found both ham and scrapple work very well), a couple big cups of sugar and an extra canned processed tomato sauce.
The very delightful ‘Lankville O’s Gelatin Dinner Time Surprise’
Now take a baking pan placing the gelatin, Lankville O’s, tomato bits, all your scraps of meat, veggies, couple of big cups of sugar, and then mixing it all together into a big ‘ball shape’. The gelatin should act as a sticking agent holding it tight– if you feel it does not have enough ‘form’ I would recommend adding a half can of thick mayonnaise or even a little bit of non-toxic glue or paste. After your ball shape is formed you add on the extra processed tomato sauce then salt and pepper to taste. Now, cooking times will vary depending on what you put in it, I have found microwaving this IS NOT AN OPTION (sorry mom will be buying you a new microwave with next paycheck). I would say use a slow heating time to let all those flavors work in together, once you see the top and edges start to brown it will be done shortly. After letting it cool down please dig in and enjoy!! I found the sweet and savory taste to be very pleasant almost like a dinner and dessert all in one course!! Another option you might want to try is going for more of the dessert side and adding marshmallows with some caramel sauce on top. However you wish to make this stunning culinary idea your know I only wish simply that it’s enjoyed!
Until next time dear reader, keep your mouth and mind open to new ideas, Happy Eating-Bri
Employee Printing Out an Awful Lot of Lion Pictures
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An employee in the Barlow Foods offices in Lankville City has been printing out an awful lot of lion pictures, co-workers are confirming.
The employee was identified as Kelley Pauses, 54, of North Suburban Lankville.
“I’ve been noticing an awful lot of printing being done recently, we’ve been going through a lot of toner,” noted Administrative Assistant Henrietta Schropp. “I’ve been keeping an eye on the queue, and I keep seeing print jobs with weird titles like “Thirsty Cubs”, “Sunning on the Savanna”, “Danger in the Long Grass”– that kind of thing.”
“We’ve counted over 500 lion pictures in the last two weeks alone,” Schropp added.
One of the lion pictures seized this morning.
“I saw [Kelley] closing her drawer really quickly one day and I happened to notice it was stuffed full of lion pictures. I found it very curious,” noted co-worker Lance Parrisher, who later disappeared. “I think she disposed of a lot of files to make room for the [lion] pictures.”
Pauses refused to comment. Her lion pictures were seized this morning and she was sent home early.
“I guess it would be understandable if she had a child that was, say, making a poster for school about lions,” opined Parrisher. “But, she’s barren. I remember because we were all eating cake when she told us.”
“I think she lives alone,” Schropp noted.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow, reached by phone, stated that he did not yet have enough information to comment.
“I’ll need to know a little more about these lion pictures,” Barlow stated. “We’ll be keeping an eye on the incident.”
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth While Renting a Belt Sander Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth While Renting a Belt Sander Again
Dick La Hoyt
IMPORTANT OPINIONS
Yeah, this is a message for that shitscrew down at the Home Dump in the Lankville Hill Area. Guess what, asspipe? I’ve been punched in the mouth while renting a belt sander before, I’ll be punched in the mouth while renting a belt sander again.
So, here’s what happened. I’m just putting some finishing touches on a little patio out back– just a nice little place with some cushy seats where I can put my feet up at night, know what I mean? Got a little fire pit out there, a gas grill– I won’t lie, it’s kind of an oasis. Anyway, even though Tammy keeps saying Dick, it’s fine, it’s done I know to hell it could be better, so I go over to the Home Dump to rent me a belt sander.
I can tell the guy is a real smartass from the get go– like he thinks Dick La Hoyt is some kind of a sucker. Keeps saying, “Hey, man, your best value is to rent this for a week– that way, you can take your time.” “I don’t need no time,” I tell him. “When I start a project, I damn well finish it that day. You can bet your cheeks on that.” He gets real embarrassed then and he kind of dumps the belt sander on the counter in a real pissy way and starts writing me out some contract that’s about 20 pages long.
“What’s the speed on this thing– what kind of db’s are we looking at? This thing got torque control?” I ask.
You wouldn’t believe it. This goon didn’t even look up– just kept writing.
“HEY, MAN! I can take my god damn business elsewhere. I already got figures from a couple of other places and they SURE AS SHIT are cheaper than YOUR ASS.”
He looks up and stops writing.
“Good for you. You must feel great now.”
Well, I won’t lie– I just about lost my shit.
“LET’S STEP OUTSIDE COCKSUCKER!” I yell.
“I’ll meet you in the garden section,” he said. “That outside enough for you?”
“GLADLY”. And I walk over to wait by the birdbaths and fountains.
Well, about fifteen minutes pass and I’m just fuming. At the same time, though, I’m burning daylight and I promised Tammy that I’d have that deck like the bottom of a baby’s ass by dinner. I ain’t got no time to wait around for this prick.
So, I start to head back to the counter. And I’m just coming around a big pile of bagged mulch and the next thing I know, the guy is standing right there. I take a swing and miss and then he pounds me right in the mouth. I go down like a god damn box of rocks and then, while I’m half-out, this turd dumps a bag of mulch on me. Even picks up a hose and waters down the mulch. Christ, I was soaked to shit.
But I just want him to know it and know it well– I been punched in the mouth while renting a belt sander before and I’ll sure as shit be punched in the mouth while renting a belt sander again.
I Want to Tell You About How Me and My New Boyfriend Broke Up
Ashley Pfeiffers
Yesterday, my new boyfriend and I were standing under the overpass. He was spray-painting the word “BAD” in big bubble letters on one of the pillars.
I thought he was going to kiss me at first. He came over and put his hands on my shoulders. And then he was like, “Ash, this is it. I can’t do this anymore.”
I AM SO DEPRESSED.
I asked why and he said that I wasn’t really into spray-paint culture and skateboarding. “But, I am, you’ve made me love it,” I said. I was crying. I couldn’t even see through the tears and I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was like there was a field of beautiful butterflies and then they all suddenly died.
“Ash, I need to focus on my career, you know?” my ex-boyfriend said. “The next guy that gets you, Ash. He’s going to be such a lucky guy.”
He touched my cheek and I looked into his eyes. Then, he gathered up his spray paints and skated off.
It started to rain.
Mom picked me up in front of the Decorative Ham factory. She didn’t say anything for a long time. Then she said, “I can only imagine how hurt you must feel…”
And I said, “NO, MOM, YOU CAN’T!” and I started crying against the window. She didn’t say anything for a long time after that and then she said, “take out your nose ring, honey, we’re going into the crafts store to pick up some glitter for your sister’s school project.”
OH MY GOD, I AM SO SAD.
I told Mom I would wait in the car. She touched my hair for a minute, then she took off towards the Craft Barn. I took out my pink notebook and started writing. That helped a little bit but then it just seemed like I was writing forever, that I didn’t even know what to write anymore and then Mom came back and gave me a pack of googly eyes.
“You used to laugh so much at these,” she said.
“When I was five years old,” I snapped back.
We started home. When we passed the Pizza A’Round, I started crying again. “That was our place,” I said.
“Really!!??” Mom responded. “I always thought that place was…” She stopped herself.
I went straight up to my room when I got home. I just cried and cried and cried into my pink stuffed penguin.
I AM DEVASTATED.
Yes, I Urinated on a Rack of Candy
By Chief Hogsett
A LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS SERIES ON CRIME AND CRIMINALS
Two months ago, I got picked up at a pharmacy. I was just trying to buy one of those cheap little styrofoam ice chests. We were going to put some beer in there and go into the woods. We were looking for something to keep the beer cool but also something that was sturdy and fairly-durable. We weren’t looking for no hinged lid or grip handles– matter of fact, we were going to just leave the thing in the woods, maybe float it down the river. I know, personally, whenever I see one of them things floating down the river, I go after it. It’d give somebody something to do.
So, there’s this island clerk behind the counter and he don’t speak no Lankville or barely. He keeps pointing at the credit card swiper and I keep telling him that I want to pay cash but he’s so damn dumb he can’t understand me. Now, I’d already had a few but I wasn’t really that loaded. And he mumbles something and points to the button and I say, “CASH, YOU EVER SEEN A LANKVILLE DOLLAR BEFORE?” But this guy don’t want to take any cash from me– he wants me to pay with a credit card. It’s unbelievable these foreigners.
So, then I pick up this cat magazine that he’s got on the counter and throw it across the store. And he starts saying, “POLICE! POLICE!” and then I say, “NOW YOU’RE SPEAKING LANKVILLE, IMMIGRANT!”
And that’s when I started urinating all over his candy rack.
Yeah, I soaked it pretty good. All the gum, the candy bars, the funny stickers. I had a lot in there too boy– I was like a race horse. I even hit a couple more copies of that cat magazine on the counter.
That’s when Gee-Temple walked in.
“Chief, I see we’re going to have to take you in again,” he said. He looked at the piss dripping slowly down the racks. “That’s going to be the fourth time this month.”
“And you don’t have a shirt on, of course,” he said to himself. Which was true– I didn’t. Three of the last four times I’ve been bagged, I haven’t had no shirt on.
So now, they’re making me write this article on criminals in Lankville. It’s part of my “service duty”.
“They’ll have to make you a regular contributor,” Gee-Temple said, when I handed him my article. He just started shaking his head. “And you still don’t have a shirt on, for Christ’s sake. Somebody get him a shirt.”
They got me one. It has a cat on it which is kind of funny, in a way.
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Lankville Daily News correspondent and gourd aficionado Dr. David Hadbawnik.
GUMP: So, Dave, you have that little area in the paper where you write about gourds?
DH: That’s right. One day I was driving with the family through the Lankville Glens, passing by roadside stands selling fresh fruits and vegetables and ammunition, and we pulled over to choose a weapon for the kids. And there on a little woebegone table off to the side was a meager selection of gourds. It made me angry, you know? Like gourds are some kind of afterthought, almost an embarrassment. Well, not to me they’re not! That’s when I realized I had to do something. I started with skywriting. But I wanted something more interactive, so I began holding workshops. Now the workshops operate as a sort of ongoing “knowledge community,” in which we discover together that gourds are not just a neglected food item, or even a fetish object or fashion accessory, but a whole way of life. And from that, I generate ideas for the Lankville columns.
GUMP: Excellent! And you write about other things besides gourds?
Dr. David Hadbawnik
DH: Yes. Gourds have been a gateway to so many other things. I now consider myself a “budding” expert on other neglected plants, such as legumes, radishes, yams… Keep an eye out for my upcoming coffee-table book, Tubers and Taproots and Bulbs: Oh My! It will be out soon from Lankville Editions.
GUMP: That’s just fabulous. You’re a doctor now too. What kind of medicine do you practice?
DH: I haven’t decided yet; the possibilities really are endless – cardiology, homeopathy, astrology – and I’d like to try different things before I settle down with a specialty. For the moment, I consider myself an “intuitive” doctor. That means I’ll be out and about just kind of letting my mind wander, getting into a nice, foggy Zen state, and I’ll sense that someone nearby is having some discomfort from an ailment and go over and offer to help them. Often this takes the form of an impromptu massage; sometimes a round of staring at the affected area. People are always grateful!
GUMP: Now, Dave, I heard you celebrated with a dinner at Casa Montecristo? Pretty posh!
DH: My wife and I loved Casa Montecristo before it became so popular with the crème de la crème of Lankville, back when it was simply known as a Respectable Dining Venue. Now – sigh – it’s an Elegant Reception Hall. But we still love it, and Deejay Humphrey always plays our favorite song, “The Rose of Lankville.”
GUMP: Absolutely wonderful! How do you have time to do anything else what with gourds and medicine?
DH: I don’t know! But when gourds are your life, the time really just flies by, and it’s not work, it’s fun. If I weren’t being paid so much to do it, I’d do it for free!
GUMP: Just exceptional! I’m going to go fire some guns into the river– want to come along?
DH: I thought you’d never ask, Mr. Gump!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK