The Lankville Daily News

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

Incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM Cor Scorpionis (formerly Ric Royer) announced today that he will open a chain of dollar stores in Lankville City.

The Dollar Bush will begin with 13 locations.

“We elected to go with The Dollar Bush because we want people to think of a tender, full, motherly bush that yields great fruits,” noted Cor Scorpinois, who was interviewed in the newly-erected “Fun Hall” at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.  “It’s a bush that you see from far away, from, say, across a busy highway.  But even from that great distance, you can see the blossoming bush fruits.  And you know immediately that you can pick them.”

“For a dollar,” added Cor Scorpionis, after a moment of reflection.

The executive, who also operates a chain of automats and is constructing a roller-skating rink, stated that his dollar stores will be distinctive.

“Upon occasion, we will covertly bring an extremely valuable item into select locations,” the eccentric entrepreneur stated as he hurled a small beanbag through a distant basketball hoop much to the delight of his fellow inmates.  “It will be, say, a voucher for an in-ground swimming pool or a remaindered car.  And anyone, any customer can pick it up and take it up to the counter and secure the right to pass through what we will call a period of “ULTRA MENACE”.  If the customer prevails during the period of “ULTRA MENACE”, then he will be able to purchase the valuable item for just one dollar.”

Cor Scorpionis refused to go into further detail about the “ULTRA MENACE” but stated that it would be a challenging test of strength.  “I feel confident that the average dollar store customer will not be able to withstand it but I could be surprised,” the mogul noted.

The Dollar Bush is slated to begin operation in early April.

By Gino Peebles and Johnny “Nature” Trippetts
Special Evil Correspondents

File photo

We are responsible for the cavebeast-driven balloon bombs that have started to fall on selected targets in and around Lankville.

We’ve included a picture.  This is about ten minutes after we launched one of these bad boys.  What do you think of that, Lankville?  You think you’re going to stop a burning balloon being driven by a half-blind cavebeast?   These cavebeats– we breed ’em.  We breed ’em to KILL.  And to drive balloons.

We have no real demands.  No motives.  We just like launching these burning balloons and then taking pictures of ourselves laughing and laughing and laughing.

So, stick that up your ass Lankville.

By Lance Pepsid
Special Fashion Correspondent

File photo

Lance Pepsid recently had a chance to catch up with 24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello.  The interview was held in someone’s yard.

CV:  I see they’ve sent you again, Mr. Pepsid.  Baffling, really.

LP:  Well, today I’m prepared with some hockey questions.  Now…

Suddenly, a gigantic hot-air balloon appeared over the horizon.  The balloon was bobbing furiously as though possessed by some sort of unearthly wind.  It seemed to be heading straight for Mr. Pepsid and Mr. Vitiello.

LP:   Let’s switch gears.  What do you make of this approaching balloon?

CV:  I have never seen anything like it.  It is absolutely astonishing and, yet, profane.  It turns the stomach the way it is being tossed about by the wind.  I notice too that it appears unmanned.

LP:   Do you think it will crash?

CV:  Most certainly.  It’s also on fire.  It will explode momentarily.

As predicted, the balloon suddenly erupted in flames.  Its descent accelerated.

LP:  Now that the balloon is drawing closer, I believe I see someone or something in the basket.

CV:  Yes.  It is a loathsome, scaly creature, absolutely abominable.  It’s a horror from the heavens.

LP:  Do you think it will kill us?

CV:  If we do not move from these delightfully comfortable plastic outdoor chairs, then yes, it will.

LP:  So there is a swiftly-moving, burning balloon, being piloted by a nightmarish creation headed straight towards us.

CV:  It draws even closer now.  I noticed that the owner [of the house] has used a chemical on the grass to make it greener.

LP:  There’s a little grill over there and some charcoal.

CV(nodding): Yes…I…

Pepsid and Vitiello suddenly fell asleep in their chairs and the interview was ended prematurely as the balloon continued its descent.

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” was defeated last night in his boxing debut in the Teets Island Chain.

The executive (0-1-0), who had been training for several days, was knocked out in the first round by challenger Denny Barbies (11-21-3) at the Cape Hats Arena before a modest crowd of 41 spectators.

The following is Mr. Kitchens’ official report:

I sat with Inner Hammer in the bowels of the great Cape Hats Arena, waiting for word.  It was a triple bill and Inner Hammer was to fight second.  His manager, a little Teets Islander named Mincher, was upset over his fighter’s dinner– fried chicken, donuts and fruit punch.  “You can’t win a fight with that shit on your stomach,” he kept saying, as he moved sullenly about the ill-lit room, chomping a cigar that was later revealed to be fake.  “Sorry, boss,” Inner Hammer kept replying softly, as his hands were taped.

Finally, an attendant opened the door.  “You’re up,” he said and Inner Hammer put on his robe– a strange garment with vertical stripes representing all the colors of the rainbow.  “Christ, that’s gaudy,” old Mincher said.  He was generally displeased with everything.  “Gee, boss, sorry,  I thought it was nice,” Inner Hammer responded.  He looked down at the floor as we made our way up the ramps and into the arena.

I could see Barbies up there.  He was a strange specimen– about 6’3 but with no bulk.  I figured Inner Hammer had about 50 pounds on him.  His manager appeared singularly disinterested.

Mincher gave his man a few words of advice and then the fighters met in the center of the ring for preliminaries.  “You guys don’t have any firearms?” the referee asked, queerly.  The answer being a confused “no”, the fighters were sent back to their corners.  Then the bell rang.

Inner Hammer stumbled out of his corner with a strange, exaggerated crab walk and a series of little hops.  No one could figure out why.  Barbies, clearly confused, backed away towards the ropes.  Inner Hammer lunged towards him and was caught with a quick, almost defensive uppercut.  The rookie fell backwards onto the canvas.  He was out cold.

Barbies, who had not won since 1997, was immediately declared the victor.  They took Inner Hammer back to his chalet.  He has refused all interview requests.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

Terrifying Bat GM The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer) has changed his name to “Cor Scorpionis, Blood Probationer” according to sources following the story.

“He asked us to set up a lectern, some lights and a buffet,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Cor Scorpionis is incarcerated.  “But then he spent all morning in his room, putting together a puzzle so we have yet to receive an official statement.”

Cor Scorpionis, who was later interviewed privately, explained the change, his third this year.

“It is folly and a rape of truth to ignore the machinations,” stated the executive, who was clearly distracted by both the completed puzzle (a photographic depiction of a dog lounging on an oversized bean bag chair) and his dazzling layout of illuminated porcelain Christmas structures.  “I say furthermore that this layout is of the Circle, and the Eye of Horus that sleepeth not, but is vigilant. The Circle is nearly all-perfect, nearly equal in every way.  And if I was ever brought my box of soda, it would be complete.”

Cor Scorpionis then gave his attendant a fierce look of disapproval and the interview was ended prematurely.

By Pete Dagobah
Ancient Terrestrial Scribe

File illustration

Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” released his “Big Board of Truth and Fairness” during a restrained event at a Teets Island Chain park in which sacks were shoved into large holes for reasons unclear.

“”The Big Board of Truth and Fairness” has been created to judge the actions of all mankind and also food,” noted the executive, whose sack suddenly erupted initiating a long period of hysteria and confusion.  “The Board is a physical board, yes, a large board with an infinite number of lights but it is also an unseen board, a board of mystery.  I serve mankind notice.”

“And also food,” “Inner Hammer” added before his sack suddenly erupted again.

“Only certain people will have access to the Board,” stated the GM, as a worker mended his ruptured sack.  “You have to pass a multiple-choice exam and some other tests.  I will be slowly releasing more information over time.”

“Inner Hammer” then stepped up to his hole only to have his sack burst yet again.

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello whipped and then released several players following Pondicherry League action last night. The players have not yet been named.

“He came right into the locker room with an incredible sense of purpose and resolve on his face,” noted forward Sidney Crosby, who is not believed to be one of the players cut loose. “He went over to [name withheld] and whipped him mercilessly, then handed him a pink slip. Following that, some guys took this giant industrial vacuum cleaner and sucked everything out of [his] locker. Didn’t even give him a chance to claim any personal items. It was terrible.”

Crosby stated that the same series of events happened to two further players.

“It happened three times total. Then Mr. Vitiello left the [locker] room and the guys with the big giant vacuum cleaner followed.”

“They even sucked up the [player’s] street clothes,” Crosby added. “They had nothing to wear.”

The 24-Piece Men remain mired in 8th place in the 9-team league.

“We haven’t been playing well,” said forward Patrick Sharp, who also witnessed the event. “But there’s no call for coming into a locker room, whipping people and then sucking up all their personal effects with a humungous vacuum cleaner that allows nothing, nothing at all to remain. It was a sort of vacuum holocaust, if you will.”

The 24-Piece Men are expected to release a statement today.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello crossed the street this morning to feed his neighbor’s cat. The executive was wearing a thermal one-piece jumper.

“I see that some clod gave you access to our gated community,” said Vitiello, when approached. “I will visit him later.”

Vitiello allowed this reporter to briefly interview him once the cat had been fed.

CV: Nothing wrong with a brisk winter walk in a jumper.
BB: Not at all. Tell us about the cat.
CV: It’s a cat. It needs to be fed. What more is there to extract from that scenario?
BB: Are you…
CV(interrupting): Let’s go ahead and just dispense with the formalities, Mr. Belvedere.

Vitiello began whipping Mr. Belvedere mercilessly and the interview was ended prematurely.