Collector’s Corner with Bobby Pinewood
Bobby Pinewood
Today, we’re going to be looking at the 1984 Lankville Baseball League cards manufactured by Barlow Foods.
“The cards were given away as special promotions at participating Barlow Foods locations,” dealer Barri Trotz explained. “For example, let’s say you bought a big bag of carrots. Well, you’d put the carrots on the checkout counter conveyor belt. Of course, the belt would get kind of moist because bags of carrots tend to be moist. This moistness would continue to increase as the bag inched closer to the register. A creeping sort of moist horror would form, thereby….”
We interrupted Trotz and asked him to focus on the cards.
“The counter person was required to distribute a card to each customer,” Trotz continued. “There were 895 cards in the set, so you can imagine how difficult it would be to acquire all of them. Also, counter people tend to be dirty, careless hill women and so the cards would become creased and bent and generally defiled. It’s very hard, near-impossible to locate a mint set.”
Trotz showed us his prized possession– a mint set.
“Have a look at the Zach Sequence card, number 437 (pictured). You’ll remember that Lankville suffered a terrible wild burr infestation in 1983. A burr is clearly visible over the left field fence– one of the biggest I’ve ever seen photographed. The Sequence card is particularly valuable for this reason.”
“People think of baseball cards as detritus but they can be cultural artifacts as well,” Trotz averred.
Card number 682 (Outlands pitcher Otho Lud) remains the most elusive of the set.
The Sequence and Lud cards from the 1984 set.
“He was a mediocre relief pitcher but also a cannibal,” Trotz noted. “The card was recalled but a few managed to leak out. A mint Lud will set you back about $675,000.”
“Most poor people are unable to complete their sets because of Lud and his cannibalism,” the collector noted.
The set features a simple design utilizing a pennant and no border on the obverse. The reverse features detailed statistics, a second, more relaxed photo of the player (they are often shown shirtless or in bed with their wives), and a short biography.
Trotz claims that only four known sets have achieved a “Professional Sports Card Titan” rating of 10.
“We’re usually seeing in the 3-4 range on most sets,” said Trotz, who is himself a Professional Sports Card Titan.
“No question, it’s a beautiful shimmering jewel in the collector’s cosmos.”
OPINION: I’m a Total Sweetheart, I Love to Laugh and Smile, it’s Just Who I Am. I Love Kickboxing.
By LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress
I’m a total sweetheart, I love to laugh and smile, it’s just who I am. And I love kickboxing.
I got into kickboxing as a way to stay in shape while I was making jungle movies, you’ve probably seen my jungle movies a lot of people love them. I love going to the gym. And I love to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine.
I have a genuine care and heart for people and I desire to see the best in others and help people reach their full potential in life and I love kickboxing.
My newest hobbies are running and I like to run and run and run and then tell everybody all about how I just ran. I have bumper stickers on my car letting people know how far I’ve run and my goal is to experience as much as possible and I like to read about science isn’t it just fascinating? All those beautiful stars!
Fitness is really important to me but I also take care of myself inside which is why I sometimes read about science. But mostly, I stay in shape with all the kickboxing and the jungle movies it can be so stressful on the set and sometimes I just need to unwind and kick one of those big heavy bags.
I love to laugh!
Not edited for content
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was a windowless, brown-paneled office lit with glaring fluorescents. The battered steel desk was piled high with papers. The brick shitbox of an owner had leaned back in his chair and eyed me over.
“What’s it say on that sign out there?” he asked. He lit a stub of a cigar.
I thought about it for a minute. I hadn’t even noticed.
“Says your name, don’t it?” I ventured.
“Yeah, it sure does. But what’s it say below my name?” He brought an ashtray up from somewhere.
“Says CARPETS don’t it?”
“THAT’S RIGHT!” he exclaimed. He was damned excited about it. Who knew what the hell to make of the whole jackpot.
“What’s a carpet?” he asked, reflectively.
Oh Jesus, we really gonna’ do this? I fingered the little badge on my unpressed white button-up. It said “MS. OAKES”. I watched the myopic geriatric in the green visor make it up but didn’t correct it none. I didn’t figure on it mattering much.
He picked up the slack. “A carpet can be indoors. But a carpet can also be outdoors.” He let that sink in. It didn’t get that deep.
“Now, tell me, what did you walk on ‘fore you opened the door to my place?”
I racked my brain. I could feel the sweat on the back of my neck. What the hell is this gonna’ be worth to you, Oakes? What the hell.
“Was there some kinda’ fake grass, like astroturf or something?”
“THAT’S RIGHT!” He got up out of his seat and the chair skirted off into some corner. “That’s right, astroturf. You know, I gotta’ special ordnance to put that out there, over the city sidewalk? Now, did you know that?”
I admitted that I didn’t.
“Now, how many sidewalks have you seen that are carpeted? Huh, fellow? How many?”
“None, sir.”
“YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT, none. Now, get out on that floor and sell the ass out of those carpets.”
I opened the door and looked out at the showroom. There were five or six customers– two of them seemed to be arguing over something while a woman stood by helplessly. One of the other salesmen went over and broke it up. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
I lasted a day.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: FUN
Business can’t always be about business. A good work-life balance is essential. Samways and Fick, Consultants understands that and it’s why we offer a series of retreat and party options to help bring your organization closer together. Whether it be traditional weekend “bonding sessions”, low-ropes courses, or transvestism, Samways and Fick can help get your company back on track.
RETREATS
Dr. Samways with the cat.
Retreats are fully-integrated fun sessions organized and administered by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Employees enter a large hotel ballroom and find their seating assignments. They will notice right away that the tables are littered with novelty horns, oversized swirly lollipops, and mysterious “prize bags”, thereby alerting your staff that a day of frivolity is ahead. Next, Dr. Samways will appear from behind a curtain wearing a blue wig and holding a large cat. She (and the cat) will entertain, educate and bring your staff closer together utilizing successful time-proven patented techniques.
A small meat lunch will then be served.
Dr. Fick (and the cat) take over in the afternoon. The afternoon session is more rigorous, with staff members invited to air grievances and question authority. As the hours pass, Dr. Fick will then utilize several other successful time-proven patented techniques to bring your staff around to the wrongness of their grievances and the notion that authority is always correct. Your staff will be bound together in these new, proper rules of conduct.
No dinner is served.
PARTIES
Dr. Fick.
If your organization does not wish to make the time commitment to a retreat, then a party may be a better option. At Samways and Fick, we have several collapsible card tables, plastic punch bowls, and tent poles. A low-ropes course will be offered in the comfort and safety of your conference room. Test your staff’s meddle by asking them to balance the tent poles on their index fingers. A great lesson that they can carry on into the future as they approach death.
Our parties are designed to allow your organization to overcome interdepartmental communication breakdowns, hallway fistfighting and trust issues, develop better time management, strengthen teamwork, and more. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick (and the cat) will create experiences that require these skills to be tested, so that your team will achieve its luscious goals. The parties build self-confidence, trust, vision and the commitment to meet the challenges of working in adverse conditions.
Find out more today by calling Samways and Fick, Consultants.
Helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
News Endorses Goberman for Governor of Eastern Pines Area
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
The Lankville Daily News has endorsed candidate M. Goberman for Governor of the Eastern Pines Area, it was announced today.
“Goberman represents leadership for the future [of the Eastern Pines Area]. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. We are pleased to give him our support,” noted News Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff.
Goberman, who has served two terms as a district representative for the Eastern Pines Area, is running against embattled incumbent Bradley Komminsk.
“[Komminsk] is a complete shitbird,” Goberman stated this morning at a rally outside a mall. “He’s plunged my beloved Eastern Pines Area into a god damn candied-ass turd carnival. That ends in 2016.”
The endorsement today is another feather in Goberman’s cap– the candidate already holds an 89%-7% lead in early polls with 4% of voters undecided or dead.
Goberman during a recent rally.
“I will bury him. There is no question,” Goberman averred.
Goberman has not shied away from controversy. He has stated that if he wins the governor’s seat, he will expel Komminsk from the area.
“He will not be permitted into the Eastern Pines. If he tries to enter, we will CRUSH him,” Goberman said in a recent interview.
Joygirls: Where to Find Them
By Pliny W. Howard
The opinions of Pliny W. Howard are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I’m riding along Route 55 through the Southern Outer Areas. It’s that last stretch of road before you hit prairie. They’ve got all kinds of crazy shops along both sides of the road– some of them are in old houses that they’ve added a little storefront onto, some of them are in dilapidated, broken-down shit shacks.
It’s about dusk. And that’s when I spot some joygirls.
They were in front of a closed-up deli. About three of them.
I pulled into the nearest side street and grabbed my suitcase off the back bench seat. I slipped out of my work clothes and into a tan woolen sweater with some stripes on it– my great Aunt Gladys made it for me– and my best leather jacket. I combed my hair up in the mirror and than wiped down my beard. I felt good.
I double-backed to the deli and pulled right up in front.
“Ladies,” I said.
You ARE sharp, Howard I thought to myself. Here you go, just expecting an ordinary night back at the deserted farmhouse, falling asleep drunk in front of a Lingus Nets match per usual and now you’ve found yourself a trio of joygirls. Luck was on my side that night, boys.
“Ladies, what are you doing out there on the sidewalk?” I asked. “Why, you could be in here,” I added.
Yep, I was pulling the ol’ one-arm bandit that night, fellows. And it was coming up cherries.
So, the joygirls piled on into the Neptune. I cranked on 103.5 “The Hammer” and sped off into the night.
“Where to ladies?” I asked. I was playing it cool, playing it suave. I lit up a bit of the farmhouse stash.
“Let’s go downtown!” one of the joygirls called out. She was a tall brunette in a tight skirt, hell of a set of legs. Hell of a set of a lot of things, now that you mention it.
“Naw, let’s go to the folk dinner for rubes that they’re having over at the Montecristo. Should be a blast!” another one said. A blonde in leather. Banging it out back.
The third didn’t say nothing.
“What about you darling?” I asked, tossing the blunt out the speeding Neptune. “Downtown or the folk dinner for rubes? Break the tie, baby.”
The other two started making their cases with her. Typical joygirls. I laughed.
“What if I want a third thing? A different thing?” she finally said.
I brought the car to a squealing stop in front of a knives and puzzles shop.
“Let’s figure it out, ladies!” I said. I was starting to lose my cool a little, starting to get irritated. It was that farmhouse stash, man. It was making me a little cracked.
Well, the joygirls weren’t happy about that none. They started cussing me out and then they got out of the car and disappeared into some pizza joint. And, well, that was that. Things went from feeling good to feeling bad just like that.
But the point is– joygirls. Man, you can find them anywhere.
Just look around, man.
Gladys Martinez, Author of “Gentle Keith” Dead at 85
By Bernie Keebler
Gladys Martinez, author of the popular young adult novel “Gentle Keith” has died. She was 85.
Martinez was eaten by a pelican.
“Gentle Keith”, which was published in 1968, has long been a beloved Lankville novel. It has sold over 600,000,000 copies.
Gladys Martinez is dead.
“It’s an affectionate coming-of-age story about a dog in the medieval times,” said Martinez’ agent Doyle Alexander. “The dog must choose between the comfort of the kingdom or the freedom of the hills. Well, I won’t spoil it but, let’s just say, the dog makes the right decision.”
Alexander chortled loudly and a soda was flipped off his desk in the process causing confusion.
Martinez was born in 1930 in the Snowy Lake Regions. She was briefly a reporter for the Lankville Daily News and also wrote for several popular periodicals.
“She claimed that she had a long dream about Gentle Keith,” said Martinez’ son Dennis by phone. “And she woke up from the dream and she began writing. And the rest is history.”
Martinez was also the author of 14 other juvenile novels including Last Chance for Hippo, The Reckoning, and Pretty Gold Parties in the Lost Cities.
She is survived by 4 children, 48 grandchildren, and 298 great-grandchildren.
Are Offices Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
Zach Keebaugh
Yo, any half-bred dipshit realizes that safety and health hazards can exist on worksites filled with heavy machinery, guns and equipment– where employees often are required to engage in strenuous manual labor. A dude would have to be walking around in a snow globe of shit flurries not to grab the cake on that one.
But what about a job where most of the work tasks are completed while sitting in a chair in a climate-controlled office building? Seems less fraught with danger, right? However, I’ve seen it asserted that a surprising number of hazards are present in an office setting. I aimed to find out the truth on that. I am Zach Keebaugh– Investigative Reporter.
First, I went down to the library (the one I was going to had been bulldozed and replaced by a mall, so I huffed another 15 miles to the next one) and checked out the stats. According to data from the Lankville Bureau of Labor Mutilations, 19,480,410 private-industry office and administrative workers suffered on-the-job injuries in 2014. Many of these injuries could have been prevented had workers or supervisors recognized the risks and implemented simple workplace modifications to help mitigate them. I had my lead.
So next, I huffed it down to the National Pondicherry Safety Council and met up with Dr. Jeenie Paquette. Jeenie and I got along right off the bat and, I’ll admit, I was pushing pretty hard to the net. But then I got down to business with the good doctor.
“So WHAT THE FUCK, doc. How can we get rid of all these hazards and raise employee awareness?
“Well, Zach, I’ve split up common office safety problems into a series of three categories.”
“You can do whatever you want, mama,” I purred.
“Right…well, Zach, the first major category are “office falls.”
Dr. Paquette says that last year alone, Lankville office works fell 3,987,412 times.
“The best thing to do is stay clutter-free. Keep boxes, buckets, wagons, papers, etc. out of the way and maintain a clear line of vision throughout the office. And if you have to reach up, use a safety step stool. We see all kinds of office workers trying to cut corners by stacking chairs together or ripping out the divider stalls in the bathroom and using them as ladders. That’s a no-no. Every office should have at least one working step stool.”
“What about just taking a full garbage can and stepping in that?” I probed. “Now, what the hell can be wrong with that?”
“No, Zach. Garbage tends to collapse when you step on it.”
Don’t end up like these King Hill fuckheads. Make your office safe, yo!
“I didn’t know that. You’re good.” I flashed her some pearlies. “What’s next, doc?”
Turns out, the next most common office mishap is getting struck by an object or beheaded. According to the digits, Lankville office workers were struck 5,277,314 times in 2014 and 7854 Lankvillians were beheaded.
“You want to avoid objects swinging from the ceiling, especially decorative seasonal objects,” Paquette asserted. We had an office recently that hung actual 30-pound pumpkins from the drop ceiling. A lot of people were killed.”
“Sounds like a bunch of assholes. Hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. That shit’s bush league, man. What else you got? We’re not even gonna’ go into stupid-ass activities like hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. Those fuckers are on their own.”
“Well, Zach, our final category is perhaps the most common but the most problematic to address. It’s ergonomic injuries.”
“You talking about those funny chairs that the foreign guys come around selling?”
She seemed confused. “Well, they sell them everywhere, Zach. But ergonomics are not just about chairs. They’re also about keyboard and mouse placement, workstation deficiencies, even the way people sit or put their feet on the floor.”
Dr. Paquette also noted that workstations should be adjustable. “We all have different bodies, Zach. Adjustable means able to accommodate the widest range of employees possible.”
“Fat people?” I probed.
“A…variety of options should be available,” Dr. Paquette responded.
So, BOOM, DELIVERED. A good bunch of options on how to improve workplace safety and put an end to all these injuries and deaths over the last few years. By the way, after the big mouth-party of this interview was over with, Dr. Paquette and I walked down to a Meyer Plantain Hut and wolfed some of those fucked-up banana-looking things.
It was alright.
Medical Research by Dr. Yothers
Dr. Yothers
We have listed below some of the Medical and Laboratory research that has been done with Regent Jelly:
Many authorities still dispute the efficacy of Regent Jelly while others consider it a potential BOON to Mankind.
- Dr. Tim Teufel, Small Hills Institute of Lankville, October, 2014.
- Bedrosian’s Problem of Aging, Dr. Roy Smalley (Reprinted from Lankville Journal of Gerontology (defunct), Vol. 8, No. 3, July, 2013.
- Analyses of Regent Jelly, Pollen, and Bikes, Nevin Weaver and Charlie Huddy (Technical Contribution, No. 2865, Lankville Agricultural Experiment Station.)
- Longevity Factors in Regent Jelly, Dr. Cecilio Guante (Reprinted from BIG Lankville Journal of Aging– Digest Rack Format, Vol. 3, No. 1, January, 2013.)
We make no claims for REGENT JELLY. We have merely accumulated reports that have been made as a result of experimentation and research by Doctors, Electronics Experts, Laboratory Assistants, Nutritionists and Consultants in many parts of Lankville.
IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN-ANOTHER CRAZY PIZZA MORNING!!
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
The cool winds of late Fall could not keep me comfortable in the huge rainbow pizza outfit I have been wearing this week. By mid-afternoon, my body was on the verge of collapse from the constant walking up and down Fairland Ave (with NO lunch break). My face drenched in sweat with the sparkling rainbow makeup (applied before my shift) running down like tears. The interim manager, Ms. Van Palmolive Verracut, would check on me now and again screaming from her car, “you need to be magical!! Let the joy of your heart SING!!!” That was her way of telling me if I didn’t pick up my game there would be a beating with the ‘rainbow stick’ waiting for me back at ‘The Round’. So, the prancing and dancing would hit overdrive causing deep foot blistering not to mention the mental anguish of all my fellow Deep Northern Suburban neighbors seeing me act the fool.
I can now tell you, for a fact, there is nothing more embarrassing than being knocked over by the wind of a speeding vehicle and then having other motorists throw bottles and trash at you while you scramble to get up. The two days have seemed yet again like two years with my limited, Mom-controlled intake of breakfast sandwiches not helping my mental state.
So I was up early this morning, extra early, the rainbow suit got quite dirty yesterday from all the trash-throwing so a deep cleaning was in order. Plus, Ms. Van Palmolive Verracut wanted to apply a new face paint design using some super strong acrylic which would stick to my skin longer but would possibly be more toxic. “Those are the risks, Bri,” she commented.
Van Palmolive Veeracut- now gone!!!
Then, just like a few weeks ago, as I turned the corner of Lorain and Fairland, I felt the same sense of dread hit me when I saw the yellow police tape again. Everything almost played out like before expect for a few minor details. The policemen inside the front door tripped me up a little when I walked in and one muttered “rainbow pansy” which made the group snicker.
Detective Gee-Temple was still over at the prep station but this time he was building little stacks with the pepperoni. His words were still the same. “Looks like there might be an early shift in your future, Bri.” His arm went up to reveal a new set of invisible stairs. “She’s gone–”
Right on cue I mouthed the last word.
“Yup, seems like a giant bird swooped down the other night snatching Verracut while she was getting into her car. We’ve been having those problems with the big pelicans…” He trailed off strangely, then recovered. “Lloyd Byas-Kirk is out back. he’ll show ya.”
We made the same walk to the back parking lot. Lloyd was of course out there. He was leaning against the railing looking at a dirty, beat-up porn magazine which had been by the dumpsters for a few weeks. Gee-Temple and I were right upon him before he even noticed us.
My fellow reporter squinted up at the sky like he was staring into the sun even though it was a cloudy day. “Folks down the road heard her over their house around 10:30 last night. She was screaming about unicorns and pizzas, her voice got fainter and fainter as the bird took her up and then she was—–gone.”
He then motioned over to her car (which had rainbow and unicorn decals all over it).
The driver’s side door was still open which I guess was the only proof they needed.
“So no one saw the actual bird?” I asked.
Detective Gee-Temple
There was an awkward silence before Gee-Temple spoke. “Giant birds come down from the Northern Hills every once in awhile and swoop people up. It’s a shame but it happens.”
“Plus the folks down the street heard her screaming OVER the house,” Lloyd chimed in looking at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world.
“What happened to her bodyguard?”
The Detective pointed into the woods. “Footprints leading into there are more than likely his. Probably became so distraught he ran into the woods, you hear that happening when people witness a giant bird snatching another person, it just happens. Probably get eaten by hill people if he wanders too far in like that other fella.”
Officially, no one really knows what happened to the other interim manager, Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins, since a search party never went after him.
So now I sit here in the office using my portable teletype wondering if we will open ‘The Pizza A-Round’ today. I can see through the office window ‘Big’ James and Charlie ‘The Nugget Guy’ making their way across the parking lot. I guess word is spreading quickly about an absent manager and they are coming to clock in. I have no doubt the others will be here soon and we will give it a go!! As always I will keep you updated!!-Bri
Five Ways to Repurpose Leftover Pumpkins by David Hadbawnik
FROM THE ARCHIVES
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on the proper disposal of pumpkins and gourds.
Each day, I receive hundreds of thousands of emails from readers just like you, asking about proper methods of pumpkin disposal. So, for those in a pumpkin crisis, I’ve laid down a few easy tips. So grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, relax, do a few light stretches and then read on:
1. If your pumpkin is whole and uncarved…consider moving him (all pumpkins are masculine) inside to be part of your Thanksgiving holiday decorations! I can’t tell you how many people come up to me in restaurants, bus stations and outside and say, “David, you wouldn’t believe how a few pumpkins transformed my otherwise moribund Thanksgiving interior decor!” I’m never surprised– after all, pumpkins add a splash of orange to maize displays, cranberry candle exhibits and glittered leaf table decor. And they remind us of some of our earliest Lankville settlers who ate a lot of pumpkins so there is historical value.
2. Donate them to a zoo…there is nothing a zookeeper likes better than looking up to find a family toting a rickety wagon full of old pumpkins into the park. If they refuse (they shouldn’t!), then simply make a few calls to any nearby pumpkin farm worker and ask them what to do.
3. If you carved your pumpkin just a few days prior to Halloween, then you should be able to still use the innards (or, as I like to call it, “the orange gold”) for soups, pies, candy or soda. Note: a 5-pound pumpkin can make about two 9-inch pies (utilize an electronic device for further calculations).
Not sure what to do with ALL THOSE PUMPKINS? David Hadbawnik breaks it down for you.
4. How about trying to learn more about pumpkins? Understand them better? Start a neighborhood garden and pumpkin dump. Get to know the people in your community.
5. Feed your pumpkins to a horse– or to someone who has a horse. Always ask permission first! Horses love pumpkins almost more than zoo animals. In fact, of all the animals, horses are known to like pumpkins best. (Reader recommendation).
As always, enjoy and happy holidays!
DHad
Otis Nixon: 1955-1989
By Bernie Keebler
ERRATA
Infamous Lankville lurker and Daily News columnist Otis Nixon did not die in 2014 as previously reported but actually died in 1989, sources are now confirming.
The News regrets the error.
Nixon was allegedly walking through a field wearing a fake beard. Witnesses state that he tripped on the beard and broke his neck. His body was then blown into the forest and destroyed. Later reports indicated that Nixon was blown into the forest and destroyed a year prior in 2014. No beard was involved.
Otis Nixon died in 1989.
However, an analysis of Lankville death certificates now indicates that Nixon died in 1989.
Otho Ump, who penned the false obituaries, had been placed on administrative leave. He was found guilty yesterday of spreading false information and sentenced to 65 years in prison.
“Justice is served,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive to the trial.
Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff issued an apology to Nixon’s family.
“He [Ump] really looked like a reporter with those suspenders and cigar. I admit, I was completely fooled.”
The cause of Nixon’s death is a matter of speculation although several family members indicated that he, “was deeply affected by certain Eastern Lankville philosophies, grew progressively more insane, began practicing magic on stones in his backyard and finally wandered off into the mountains.” His body was never found.
Bernie Keebler has been placed in charge of obituaries.
The Rainbow Pizza Woes: Brian Schropp on Cuisine
By Brian Schropp
I was running late for my job which always sends me into a panic. The paper had called wanting me to do this ‘Distant Island Foods Festival’ at some dusty, beaten-down, kinda creepy looking reception hall. I know very, very little about the cuisine from those far-fabled islands (expect certain fried foods) so I was shocked ‘The News’ wanted me there. My editor assured me the whole shebang would be an easy affair with the recipe for my food presentation already prepared for me. I honestly don’t remember too much about the event, I attempted some half-hearted speech before falling off stage and into the laps of the horrified guests and representatives from the islands (I was pretty ‘light headed’ from the diet my Mom had me on). After downing a case of some of the most AMAZING strawberry milk I have ever had, I was able to rebound slightly by making a somewhat respectable ‘Distant Island Spring Loaf’ (Brock Belvedere at least seemed to enjoy it).
Thinking I did my own acceptable ‘C+’ standard I was off on my push scooter hoping no one at ‘The Round’ would be that upset. Word had leaked of yet another interim manager starting soon and after the horror show which was Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins I didn’t want to make a wrong impression. Securing my scooter with a big heavy chain and gigantic padlock to a light pole in the strip mall, I hustled as quickly as possible inside to join the craziness which should have been the early afternoon rush. The silence which greeted me inside was overwhelming, even the lights were turned off. Had my work finally sank into the bottomless pit of bankruptcy without our real boss, Scott, there?
That’s when I heard the faint humming coming from the darkened prep area behind the phone counters. I crept slowly forward bracing myself for whatever lay in the darkness.
“Hello-hello?” I called out softly.
The Rainbow Pizza that made everyone sick.
The humming stopped and in the glare of the store’s blinking unanswered phone lines, a woman’s face appeared. She was an older woman with some sort of patch or wads of newspaper covering one eye. In the glare of the phones she looked somewhat menacing. I was about to scream when she put a finger to her lips. “Shhhhh, please be very quiet, your fellow co-buddies are trying to sleep.”
She took me gently by the hand and escorted me past the phones to the prep area. And in an image which will never leave my mind, I found all my fellow ‘Pizza A-Round’ employees laying on mats taking a nap.
“Lay down and join them,” she whispered in my ear.
I looked over at all the phones (she must have turned off the ringers) which still flashed with all the holds and incoming calls. “But shouldn’t we be taking all these orders?”
She lightly patted my butt. “No Bri. If our customers want the most wonderful, magical, unicorn-dreamed, pizzas available, we must have all our co-buddies rested to create that wonder. I want you to join them and fill your nap with sweet pizzas flying over rainbows.” I had no idea what she was talking about but I liked how she was using the term ‘co-buddies’ which I had invented earlier this year.*
So I took a mat next to Chet Cameron who was secretly trying to smoke one of his foul- smelling cigarettes. “What’s going on here Chet?”
“This new interim manager has been treating us like little kids all day. Can you believe she is letting us take a nap and we’re getting paid for it?!!”
“Have we taken any orders today?”
“A few early on. We can only make this weird ‘Rainbow Pizza’ which uses all this food dye. I think customers are getting sick off it, we had a few complaints before the phones were shut down for nap time.”
Our ‘Make A Pizza Exercise’
The interim manager (whose name is Ruth Van Palmolive Veeracut, I later learned) walked up and down the napping rows lightly humming a sweet tune while chanting a stream of consciousness song dealing with ‘pizzas’ and ‘rainbows’. A few folks started to wander into the store, most looking somewhat ill and complaining about the pizza they received.
“You are disturbing nap time!!” she told them in a voice that only a lady suffering from the deepest Hell of bipolarism could muster. With the snap of her fingers a big guy wearing a ‘Pizza A-Round’ shirt (too small for his bulk) came out of the office to throw these people to the curb. He then locked the front door. I think this dude might have been a former bodyguard for President Pondicherry.
The lights gradually started to come back on, very slowly, almost as if they came on too quickly our marvelous dreams would be forgotten. “Ok everyone, UP-UP-UP!! Before we begin selling rainbow pizzas again we are first going to do a little coloring exercise to stimulate the imagination.”
‘Big’ James in particular seemed excited when the box of crayons were brought out. We were each given a sheet of paper with a black and white picture of a pizza.
“Now, you must color in and make your own fantastical pizza. Only ones which are truly magical and filled with the innocent joy of the heart will be acceptable!”
Some of my ‘co-buddies’ gave a good effort, others just a lukewarm attempt. Myself, having no idea what this lady was talking about, just attempted to draw a nice looking pepperoni pizza while staying in the lines. After everybody was finished she carefully looked over each pizza and placed them in two piles. Then she placed everyone in two groups which corresponded with the piles. I, for some reason, was left out of both groups and made to stand in the middle.
She looked at ‘Group A’ which was to her left. “Your pictures were delightful!! So filled with the early promise of a Deep Northern Spring it sends my heart in a flutter. You truly have good in your heart!”
She turned to ‘Group B’. That stern almost evil voice returned. “I really don’t know what to say about you lot. Obviously life has corrupted you in some way making your heart a foul, wretched place. The Pizza A-Round no longer requires your services, you can get out.”
Current interim manager.
This group had the likes of Chet Cameron, Charlie ‘The Nugget Guy’ and even ‘Big’ James. The last was almost in tears saying he really did his best. The group’s protest was cut short when a certain snap of the fingers happened again making the big guy reappear. My fellow brothers in arms were quickly shown the door.
While the remaining ‘co-buddies’ scrambled to get the shop back running for the evening dinner rush, Ruth came up to me. “To tell you the truth Bri, I was going to put you with the ‘B Group’.” Much like ‘Big’ James I was stunned– after all, I had stayed inside the lines!! “You just slightly, ever so slightly, managed to stay out of that group but your uninspired picture is not ‘A Group’ material. So I have the perfect position for you here…” She raised her hands and in a giddy voice said, “you will get to amaze and delight all your fellow neighbors by wearing a huge rainbow pizza outfit I ordered!!”
Now readers I ask you, how is Ruth Van Palmolive Veeracut any better than Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins? Are rainbow pizzas, which will more than likely make people sick, the answer to the turn around for the Pizza A-Round? I will of course keep you updated. As always, please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!!-Bri
_____________
*-Editor’s note: see Schropp’s article of 3/18/15.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: ELECTRONIC LEARNING
Dr. Samways
Training is essential to any growing organization. Building your team, outfitting them in white polo shirts with mountains on them and having the right skills and abilities in place combined with high-quality and moderately effective training is fundamental to your success. An untrained employee can cost your company downtime, loyal customers, office chairs, merchandise, AND your reputation (they also often cause fires). However, traditional “electronic training platforms” can be expensive, time consuming, incomprehensible, inconvenient and leave you with nothing but a pile of papers and senseless scribbled notes as you quiver mass-like beneath your desk in a puddle of your own abominable excreta.
Samways and Fick, Consultants can help alleviate this common problem. With electronic training capabilities, employees are able to access a colorful interactive educational curriculum (our platform has a jovial cartoon horse narrator) that is outside of the traditional classroom setting and at their own convenience. Samways and Fick, Consultants has partnered with Samways and Fick: Solutions to provide you with innovative and targeted online learning and development strategies that shy away from ponderous lecture and repetition and instead blitz the user with a series of fast-moving screens intended to jackhammer the information directly into the subconsciousness of the employee (while amusing him on the conscious plane– remember, the horse).
Dr. Fick
Once the pulverizing information session is completed, we offer a range of follow-up training solutions, developed by experienced instructional designers in the Outlands that are effective and deliver results – solutions that ramp up productivity, slam performance in the ass and impact your bottom line. And that is guaranteed.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth Contesting My Own Death Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth Contesting My Own Death Again
Dick La Hoyt
So, let me tell you what these fucks down at the News did. They went ahead and published an article about your man Dick La Hoyt being dead. Put out a whole motherlovin’ obituary and everything, said I had been punched in the mouth at the Cabinet Rascal down off Route 71, god damn thing written by some clown in a red felt hat. Upset Tammy all to hell.
She’s calling up the tire shredding plant bawling her eyes out. “Dick’s dead! Dick’s dead!” she’s screaming into the phone at some foreman. “Naw, Dick ain’t dead. He’s right out there on the floor feeding a big cardboard box a’ triple treads into the shredder,” this dope tells her. I get on the phone with Tam and calm her down but then I realize I got some unfinished business with this clown down at the news. I take the rest of the day off and head straight the fuck down there.
“Where’s Ump?” I yell as I hit the newsroom floor. “Where’s that god damn horses’ ass?”
I’m met by editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff. “Dick, we’re looking into this– Ump’s on administrative leave.”
“I’m going to have his ass for lunch,” I say, trying to get around Cundiff. A bunch of other reporters are half-sitting, half-standing. I saw Brian Schropp and Brock Belvedere plunge down the fire exit.
“Dick, babe, calm it down. We’re getting to the bottom of this, alright?” Cundiff says.
“That ain’t good enough for Dick La Hoyt,” I scream out. “I want this sonuvawhore out on this floor RIGHT NOW!”
Well, Cundiff and I go back and forth for awhile with him just telling me the same old shit and me getting more an’ more upset and the reporters all trying to get me off the floor and the next thing I know BAM, I take one right in the mouth and I collapse into a chair.
Next thing I know, Cundiff is running a cold washcloth over my forehead. “You alright, Dick?”
“Who hit me? Man, I’ll rip him apart.”
“Just take it easy, Dick.” He starts running the cloth down on my cheeks and it starts to get a little too intimate for Dick La Hoyt, know what I’m saying? I rip it away from him.
I never did find out jack shit. But I will tell whoever it was that clocked me this– I’ve been punched in the mouth contesting my own death before and I’ll sure as SHIT be punched in the mouth contesting my own death again.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK