Older Man Stands by Side of House
By Otis Nixon
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Mr. Crowley standing outside by the side of his house.
An older man has been standing by the side of his house, sources are confirming.
Gordy Crowley, 72, of the Southern Swamplands, was first spotted at the side of his house this morning at 7:30.
“I saw him, sure,” said a neighbor who refused to be identified. “I was eating breakfast and reading a technology magazine and he came out and just started standing there.”
Crowley has been standing in the same position by the side of the house for nearly two hours.
“Physically, he’s fine,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to arrive at the scene. “I observed him for awhile from behind a nearby tree and I saw no signs of stroke, rabies or any sort of lunacy. We believe that he’s fine.”
Calls placed to the Crowley home went unanswered.
“That’s probably because Mr. Crowley is standing outside by the side of the house,” Gee-Temple opined.
Crowley is a retired fire station associate. He spent 37 years in that capacity.
“He was not a fireman but he had a strong association with the fire station,” said Captain Lance Wilcox of the Southern Swamplands Fire Department, who was interviewed by phone.
No further information was available at press time.
“We’re monitoring the situation,” Gee-Temple commented.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was morning. There was a massive clock radio on the bureau (it glowed a sickly green color at night) that read: 8:07. There was something about that time.
C’mon Oakes. What the hell is today?
There was a little leather bound notebook in the side table. It was mostly just pillow counts and there was a little chart about different qualities of firmness that I couldn’t seem to commit to memory. I flipped to the front where there was a calendar.
It’s another birthday, Oakes. 8:07: The time of your birth.
I counted off the years and realized I was 58.
I picked up the service phone. Tibbs was there instantly, as though he were waiting. There was some sort of strange slow bubbly electronic noise behind him. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
“GOOD MORNING MR. OAKES! WHAT A LOVELY SUMMER DAY IT IS TODAY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Yeah, listen Tibbs. Send up a case of FUN BEER and maybe a bottle of gin, whatever’s cheapest.”
“OOOH, MR. OAKES! IT SOUNDS AS THOUGH YOU’RE PLANNING A PARTY!!!” He started laughing so hard I thought he had dropped the phone for a minute.
“It’s my birthday, Tibbs”. I instantly regretted the announcement.
“WHAT AN OCCASION, MR. OAKES! WHAT A DELIGHT! AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT!”
Tibbs, Sr.
He was gone from the phone for a few seconds and when he came back, he blew one of those plastic party horns in my ear.
“THIS IS SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE, MR. OAKES! LET ME CALL ALL THE ROOMS!”
“No, no, no,” I stopped him. “Listen, Tibbs, I just want to…I want to stay here and just drink and…maybe you could roll a teevee in or something.”
“WHY, I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO ROLL IN A TEEVEE!” he said. “I WILL EVEN MAKE SURE THAT YOU GET OUR COLOR SET, MR. OAKES!!!”
He was suddenly quiet.
“Even if I have to kill Ms. Stocksdale to get it.”
“Listen, Tibbs, take it easy. Just, just bring me whatever you got. Let’s…leave Ms. Stocksdale alone, alright.”
“OF COURSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE, MR. OATES. WHATEVER YOU WOULD LIKE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE, OUTRIGHT DELIGHT TODAY IS!!!”
“Alright, listen, connect me with an outside line.”
I called the towels by the pound shop. I let it ring about 15 times. Finally, the crazy old broad answered.
“Listen, I ain’t feeling too good today,” I said. “Musta’ been them shrimps from last night.”
“We’ll get along,” she said. I could hear a lighter going, another cigarette. She smoked them like they were going out of style.
“Alright, then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Dick…?” I paused a second. I could hear her exhaling.
“Happy Birthday, Dick,” she said.
God damn, she’s a sweetheart, Oakes. Too bad she’s so fat, there just ain’t no desire there.
“Thanks. I’ll…I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I don’t know what it was, but I broke down then. Just started crying lightly. There wasn’t nobody that had wished me an unsolicited Happy Birthday in years.
Thurston Judges Cheeseburger Competition
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Men’s feelings expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Dr. Kevin Thurston judged a cheeseburger competition on the Culinary Stage at a Lankville, First! rally in the Northern Outlands last night, sources are confirming.
“The cheeseburger is a beautiful expression of Lankvillian pride, along with the pizza,” said Thurston, who was spotted in the judges’ tent with some other men. “And while I am certainly all about culinary diversity and alternative feelings, I believe that it is appropriate to acknowledge one’s heritage upon occasion.”
Thurston tasted over 90 cheeseburgers before settling on Daniel Tartabull of the Northern Cleared Pack Area as the winner.
“Tartabull’s cheeseburger had the most feeling,” Thurston averred.
Dr. Kevin Thurston with another man.
The rally was held in support of the Lankville, First! movement which has been gaining momentum in certain fringe areas.
“I’m unaware of the movement,” Thurston admitted when probed. “I’m here for the cheeseburgers and also to continue spreading my message of peace, tolerance and exceptionally good deals.”
Thurston paused to offer this writer a decorative bathroom ventilation fan.
“This fan is priced at $159.99 from most major retailers but Dr. Kevin Thurston is currently offering it for just $144.99, including shipping,” he stated.
Tartabull, a 34 year-old post offices employee, said he was pleased with the honor.
“I make a good burger. Everybody always says that,” he noted.
Dr. Thurston is currently in the middle of a 10-area “Summer Feelings Tour”, making stops along the way at small festivals and carnivals.
“Summer is a wonderful time for men to get in touch with their feelings, free themselves from uncomfortable clothing and just put on some shorts and a t-shirt and get their bodies out there,” he mused.
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Brian Schropp
Here it is folks, the second part of my exciting car ride with Ronnie La Hoyt. Can one person feel the thrill of a lifetime in a simple pizza delivery ride? Read and find out!! We left off with me struggling to resist the temptation of another man’s pizza while Ronnie was in a house with a woman named Shelly for some reason—
We’ve delivered plenty of pizzas that were missing a slice or two, I reasoned to myself. I’m sure it’s happened at some point somewhere. With all my willpower and pride gone, a slice was in my hand. A slice of Heaven!
My food haze was cruelly interrupted when a huge shiny black sixteen-wheeler advanced upon the parked car and came to a screeching halt inches away from the back bumper. Shelly’s husband, Dale, jumped out of the rig heading towards the house with all the fury of the four winds. I tried to wave to him but he paid me no mind. Yes readers, I suppose I would be just as mad if meatball sharing was going on under my roof without my knowledge.
The slice in my hand wasn’t even finished when I heard shouts and what sounded like furniture being broken. Then Ronnie came crashing through the living room window, executing one of the most stunning frontward rolls I have ever seen. With the swiftness of an alley cat he was on his feet buckling his belt and running towards the car.
“Bri, move over and start the car. For Christ’s sake start the car!!”
Did he just really say that? For a few seconds I was sorta’ stunned by the events transpiring. Then, like half bumpkin magic, the gears clicked in my head and I was in the moment. I threw the pizzas out the window and slid over to the driver’s side. I was about to start Ronnie’s car!! I have to admit a great nervousness came over me. Shaking, I turned the key in the ignition, the engine sputtered a few times but did not turn over. Channeling all my force I tried a second time with the engine roaring to life. It felt so good—I felt-so-so-ALIVE!!
Ronnie flew in through the window like some Buddhist master. “Come on, let’s go, get it into gear!!” I could now see Dale almost half way down the yard with something in his hand (I think it might have been a baseball bat).
Now dears readers, you know me, shaking as I was and under this great stress, you know fate was just setting me up to drop the ball. Instead of putting it into drive I somehow got it stuck on reverse. Pressing my foot all the way on the pedal we went crashing back into Dale’s rig.
“What the shit are you doing, Bri?!!!”
My mind was in full panic mode and I all I could do was keep pressing the pedal down to the floor, bumping the massive truck again and again. Somehow Ronnie was able to reach over and shift it to drive. With my foot still down on the pedal we lurched forward violently going from zero to sixty within seconds. The car raced ahead, coming off the curb, knocking out a mailbox, then advancing onto Dale and Shelly’s neighbor’s lawn. Ronnie was yet again able to grab the wheel making us avoid the house but with my foot braced tight still we were doing figure 8’s in the lawn (sorry again Mr. Pepperony for the damage). This whole mess ended with us speeding across the streets, taking out a few trash cans, then flipping the car over.
Yes, as you can believe, the whole post accident story is a mess. Dale, Mr. Pepperony, my folks, the lawyers, and Hell help us, Scott. Truth be told it was totally worth it for those seconds of feeling so so alive!!!
Anyhoo readers, I have babbled on enough for now. Remember to keep your mouth and mind open to new ideas. Happy eating!!-Bri
President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville
President Pondicherry
Yesterday was the anniversary of the glorious day in which Lankville gained independence from evil Island overlords. We mark this great day with decorative bunting, cakes, and explosives. It is a day that we all look forward to, a day to be with family, friends and lovers, a day to live and be alive in Lankville. I am glad all of you are alive. I want you to tell me about your day from the moment you woke up, bleary-eyed and innocent, the loose fabrics of your pajama bottoms kicked entirely from around your curvy supple waist, your halter top stretched nigh to breaking by the flux of sensual dreams. Write me now. I want to know so much about it.
Our Founders would be pleased to walk these streets again and to find, amid the many, many problems of modern life, a familiar Lankvillian spirit of faith, good works and malls. Sure, they would see the constant challenges, the public executions, the deformed organisms now capable of devouring all flora and fauna and even soil and sand but they would also see a few acts of great kindness and charity. They would see addiction, alcoholism, an 89% morbid obesity epidemic and all the devastation that being fat can bring, but they would also see in the works of the small religious groups and charities the power that can rescue abandoned hopes and repair broken fat lives. In a world very different from theirs, they would see different kinds of hardships, fears, and suffering; yet they would also recognize love and beauty and passion.
Thank you for keeping Lankville safe on our nation’s birthday. Only 355,261 people died– this is down from last year.
God bless you and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
OPINION: Curing Rectal Cancer Naturally with Brian Schropp
Some might say that I’m no doctor, that I have no reason to even broach the subject of this sensitive issue. Little do most know of my Schropp bloodline’s battle and struggle with this particular deadly cancer which strikes the male members young. There has been many a family gathering where I would see an uncle or distant cousin- bright, healthy, pooping away with all the vigor of life, only to hear of their swift tragic death shortly thereafter. Our bloodline is even known to marry and breed like ‘horny jackrabbits’ at an early age (usually around fourteen) NOT because we are weird perverted scum but because of this exact reason!!
That’s why I have made it my life’s work to find a cure for this horrid misery known as rectal cancer. Now, after many years of in-depth research I am proud to say I have stumbled upon a possible cure. While down in the Lankville Islands I ironically found another ‘Brian Schropp’ who was born and bred (but not a native) on one of the smaller islands called ‘Pineapple Town’. (I also found another Brian Schropp who seemed a bit of an imbecile muttering about pizza sauce but that is neither here nor there to this subject). The island-born Brian Schropp told me of this of this ‘miracle berry’ which was used as a ‘cure all’ for most medical related problems on this isle. Excited by the potential promise of this berry, we went out into the jungle to pick a few. Luckily I brought a microscope with me, so I was able to examine these berries right away. And let me tell you the DNA structure and make-up of these are like nothing I have ever seen before!!
I knew right then and there (sorry readers for the graphic description to come) that anyone suffering from any stage of rectal cancer could rub these berries in and around their rectum, including inside the ‘poop chute’, would be cured. After picking as many berries as the natives would allow I am back here to give hope and light to the suffering.
The mysterious berry from ‘Pineapple Town’ island
I wish my all my heart I could just give you these berries for free. Unfortunately, I need to pay for my expenses plus the years and years of other research I have done. I have concluded that a small glass container (approximately fifteen berries) will get you started on the road to recovery. Each container I will be selling for $900 (before tax). Now some of you might say, that’s a pretty steep price. But really is there too high a price for not suffering, for having the gift of LIFE? This will also include ONE plastic syringe to help with the ‘poop chute’ area.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was evening. The crazy old broad had called my room at the Murray. I was about halfway to a drunk.
“A guy came down from the north, an important client,” she said. “Bring your case.”
She hung up. I sat there a minute and then Tibbs came on the line.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ARE YOU DONE WITH THE LINE, MR. OATES?”
“Yeah, Tibbs. Take it.”
I splashed some water on my face and straightened my tie. I went out the staircase.
There was a couple crossing the back parking lot– big blonde guy, football player type, and a tiny redhead with a complicated sculpted hairdoo.
“Hey, lookit’ that guy would you Cindy? His head looks like a grey egg!”
I put down the case full of towel samples and went straight over to him. As I did, I could see it in his eyes– he was chickenshit.
“Say that again, dandelion.”
He paused and then he puffed his chest. “You wanna’ fight mister- you’re going to get killed.”
“Let’s go.”
He threw a wild haymaker that clipped my left shoulder. I threw a quick jab that landed square on the nose. There was a squishy sound and then the blood came running.
“Oh, Brad!” the redhead said.
I started to move in for an uppercut and the next thing I knew, Tibbs’ big body was between us. He was laughing.
“HAHAHAHAHA, oh, there’s no need for VIOLENCE!” he boomed. He pushed us each a few steps backward. “HAHAHAHAHA, why anything CAN BE WORKED OUT!”
Suddenly, his face grew somber. “Except during the finality, when you will meet Satan’s pony.”
There was a long pause. I couldn’t make anything of it.
I drove over to the Towels by the Pound shop feeling pretty good. I cracked open a FUN BEER and took the slow way.
The crazy broad was waiting for me along with some delicate-looking dandy. I parked the car up on the side lawn.
“This is Mr. Oakes, our lead salesman,” she said.
The guy had a little limp handshake.
“Whyn’t we go inside?” I said.
“No, no, no, I would prefer to do business right here,” the dandy replied. I didn’t see no merit in it but I held the sample case open for him in the dull sunlight.
“Well, these are certainly inferior,” he said, after fingering a few cuts of towel. “But, I suppose they will do for my project. After all, we’re only building a series of training program food huts.”
“How wonderful,” the old broad said. She was wobbling a little– probably had already tied one on.
“Send along a thousand,” he said. He took an envelope from his inside jacket pocket. It was stuffed with crisp bills.”
“Mr. Oakes will have them sent tomorrow.”
He disappeared. It was just in time. I vomited into some tall grass.
The old broad looked me up and down but didn’t say nothing. Then she peeled off a couple of hundreds.
“Good work, Dick. You can have these as a bonus.”
I pictured a steak dinner at the Murray, couple of more tall boy sixers, maybe a new suit, a little ass. It would be a good night.
“Send them out tomorrow, now. Don’t forget.”
“It’s in the bag.”
I popped another FUN BEER in the car to celebrate.
She was alright, the towels by the pound shop owner.
Feeling So-So Alive!
By Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp returns to the Lankville Daily News!
Yes my gentle readers, it has been awhile. Between the busy hours at ‘The Round’, my new part-time gig (mandatory by Scott) selling pizza pouches, and my recent excursion to the Lankville Islands to learn the true origins of pizza sauce, I have sadly had no time to write my famous cuisine article. The fine editors of this paper (knowing deep down inside that I have written some of the finest food pieces EVER) have left it open for me to write whenever the need ‘tickles my fancy’. And that time I am happy to say is now.
You might be wondering what an acclaimed writer like myself would write about after a long absence. A story about being on the road selling pizza pouches? Maybe a thrilling adventure in the islands which would lead into insights on the very mysterious occult beginnings of pizza sauce. Well, no sir, I have nothing of that sort. This pretty sweet tale just happened a few weeks back during an ordinary Friday night shift at ‘The Round’.
There was the usual chaos happening. The good news for me was that I was scheduled off at 10PM. You got it, no closing shift for me! Hopefully a sweet rest at home maybe watching some well-deserved scrambled porn off the Lankville cable. The bad news was no one in my family would pick me up. This does occasionally happen with the end result of me riding my scooter home. But not tonight, it was pretty dark out and I had worked a double shift making my supple legs weak and wobbly. That meant only one alternative- beg/whine to Scott for a driver to drop me off.
“Fuck Bri, we’ve got too much shit going on for me to figure out who is going closest to your house.” Scott was in the ‘command center’ next to the pizza oven doing twenty things at once. It’s truly an amazing sight to see!!
“Hey Scott, I think my deliveries are going by his place,” chimed in Ronnie LaHoyt, one of the drivers who always seems to be screwing up and then trying to get back on Scott’s good side.
Scott flashed him one of his world famous looks while Ronnie was loading his pizzas into the delivery bag. “You better not be playing me Ronnie. Make your deliveries first, then drop off Bri as fast as you can. NO FUCKING AROUND!”
‘Yeah-yeah, no worries, Scott.”
With a cool tilt of his head beckoning me forth, I was running to catch up with Ronnie as he left through the front door.
Now let me say this, I think Ronnie La Hoyt drives a pretty cool car. Some say it’s just an old outdated sports car which could could be true, I know next to nothing about cars. All I do know is it’s super fast and handles real smoothly. I feel a certain thrill when I’m riding with him. His ‘devil may care’ attitude about speeding down residential streets, the hum of the engine, the blasting of 70’s arena rock. I feel so—so—-ALIVE!!
Noted pizza delivery man Ronnie La Hoyt.
He sped into my neighborhood taking out a few super squirrels in the process. The car stopped with a sudden jolt and half parked on the curb somewhere on Crestmoor Ave. Ronnie turned the rear view mirror towards him so he could check his hair. “I’ll be back in a second Bri, just sit back and relax.”
With that he popped out of the car and headed up towards the nearest house. What’s going on? He didn’t even take the pizzas!!
The porch light turned on and a woman stepped out smiling. It took me a moment to recognize her. Shelly was her name, an attractive twenty something who’s husband, Dale, is a trucker (like Joe!!!) who is gone most of the time. There may be something wrong with Shelly’s joints since I have heard my Mom use the word ‘loose’ a lot when speaking about her with others in the neighborhood.
Both were mighty happy to see each other, smiling and laughing while going inside. I pondered for a moment what the stop was for– did she need help moving something because of her joint problem? Ms. Burgee lived a few doors down, did she receive some of her world class meatballs as a gift and was now sharing it with Ronnie (without me!!).
Looking down at the rapidly cooling delivery bag I knew a big problem was brewing. I had missed my second break at work because of the craziness and I was now very hungry. My stomach was rumbling as it took in the sweet aromas issuing forth. Seconds seemed like minutes, minutes seemed like days. What was taking him so long!!? I knew I was going to buckle under the pressure.
Slowly I opened the bag and slid the first box out. From the smell alone I could tell it was one of my own creations ‘The Mid Morning Snack Pizza’. Damn, damn!! I started to put it back in but then without stopping pulled it back out quickly. Who would miss a few fries off the top? I’m sure the customer wouldn’t even notice. Before I even realized what I had done the fries were in my mouth. What a sweet relief from the hunger pains!! The relief was all too brief, the pains were back in no time only this stronger.
To be continued?
Fun Science Experiments with Dr. Matt Dragons
Dr. Matt Dragons
Conductivity
Today, we’re going to discuss conductivity. When an ionic compound, such as sodium diopotate, dissolves in water, it dissociates into ions and the resulting solution conducts electricity. A conductivity meter can be used to measure the flow of electricity and determine the ionic strength of the solution and with the easy-to-read digital face, even the retarded or insane can join in the fun!
Remember, the flow of electricity is directly proportional to the number of ions in the solution– the more ions there are, the greater the conductivity of the solution!
Directions for Using the Conductivity Probe
1. Purchase a Danny Madison LabQuest Vertex II Conductivity Probe™ for this test– they are available anywhere fine scientific testing supplies are sold. Make sure the LabQuest Vertex II is plugged in and turned on and that the probe is set to Channel 34 (25 in the Islands).
2. Obtain a sample of water. Try a nearby pond, lake or stream. Be sure to isolate your sample in a scientific plastic bottle and store it in a small scientific cooler full of scientific ice packs.
PRO TIP: No matter what you are testing, always be sure to record its weight first!
2. Place the probe into a beaker or shallow basin containing the water sample you are testing. The Danny Madison Lighted Beacon Tip™ must be fully submerged.
3. Wait for the value to stabilize and note this in your notebook, pad, or digital writing pad (if that’s how you choose to live your life).
4. Rinse the conductivity probe off with distilled water and dry it with a Danny Madison DryWipe 2000™ (available anywhere fine scientific cleaning wipes are sold).
5. When you are done collecting your data, turn the LabQuest Vertex II off. Make sure the probe has been thoroughly cleaned and dried and be sure to keep it away from the infirm, babies and small pets.
What Does Your Data Mean?
By measuring the conductivity of your solution, you can now discern its salinity. Salinity is a measure of the total amount of non-carbononananate salts dissolved in your solution. The salinity of seawater is fairly constant, at about 35 ppmc (parts per measuring cube, or 1 g/Lm (x)). Brackish estuaries may have salinities between 1 and as high as 50 ppmc– although higher levels have been found in the Lankville Western Dead Swamps and the Route 71 Trash Stream.
Since aquatic organisms have varying abilities to survive and thrive in different salinities, you now know if life is possible in your pond, lake or stream. Remember: most freshwater organisms cannot live in levels above 5 ppmc; if your salinity level is higher than 5 ppmc, then everything in your sample is stone dead and the sampled pond, lake or stream is what is known as a “dead zone” or, in scientific terms, a ingens dunda mortis. Although dead zones can occasionally be reclaimed, it is best to forget about them and alert your local builder to the matter so that the area can be filled in and a parking lot or mall constructed.
Next time, we’ll be looking at protons and electrons and how to draw them.
Gourds in Summer: The Sleeping Giant?
By Dr. David Hadbawnik
Dr. David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on gourds.
You thought gourds were for autumn, the time of cider and the harvest and little people in funny hats. You thought – thanks to my previous column in THIS paper – gourds could be good for Christmas, as ornaments, gifts, holiday dream-scapes. But gourds in summer? If, perchance, the thought crossed your mind, like a big red pumpkin flying through the evening sky, no doubt you immediately dismissed it. Ridiculous! you thought.
You were wrong.
Gourds in summer are a gift, a gift I now wish to share with you. All it takes is a little love and a lot of ingenuity. You have to really want a summer gourd. Do you want it? Do you?
I thought so. Now that the idea is in your head, you can feel the love spreading out slowly, softly. Follow that love into the fields, near the meadows where a stream quietly trickles, nestling the banks with moisture. Find a rich, moist spot of ground and start digging.
Have you found anything yet? No? Keep digging.
Summer gourds don’t just jump out of the earth into your arms. It might take an hour. Three hours. Half a day. Oh, the times I’ve spent searching and digging for summer gourds. I could tell you some stories.
Let me just say that it’s always been worth it. When my fingers bump against that hardened green flesh, when I clear away the dirt and feel the shape of the gourd against the palm of my hand, when I finally pry it loose… Let me just say, it’s very satisfying indeed. Like finding a long-lost child. A child you never knew you had.
So keep digging, my friends, and find your summer gourd. They are out there, in the valleys and fields and dales, a summer giant waiting for your touch to free them. Enjoy!
Otis Nixon: 1955-2016
By Otho Ump
Infamous lurker, folklorist and Lankville Daily News columnist Otis Nixon has died. He was 60.
Otis Nixon has died.
Nixon was allegedly riding in an open car while wearing a long scarf. Witnesses state that the scarf became entangled beneath the wheels of the car causing Nixon to be strangled to death. His body was then blown into the woods and destroyed. No further information was available at press time.
“It’s a sad day for all of us,” said Daily News editor Marles Cundiff.
Nixon was previously reported dead several times last year only to later be found alive.
“Pretty sure it’s Otis,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “We have a witness that identified his scarf from a press photo.”
Relatives, friends and former lovers are invited to visit at the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, June 25, from 2pm to 4pm, 6pm to 8pm and again at 2am if you’re up for it. Funeral Services will be held on Saturday, June 26, 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
Haunted Amusements
By Ted Cromartie
I left my motel room just before dawn. I carefully placed a handmade sign clipped to the windshield of the brand new luxury car– Donated to Pandas. Sure, the fundraiser was over. But they’d figure it out. I walked down the two-lane highway. I passed dirt, stones, signs and dead bodies. No one passed me.
Near dawn, I came upon a dilapidated service station. The pumps out front were clearly inoperable. There was a car bay and the door was up but the glass was all broken out. There was a stack of old oil cans but someone had spray-painted WHORE all over them. Some of them had fallen over into the pumping lanes.
The service area door was open and an old man sat behind a derelict counter. He barely looked up.
“Life lost meaning for me a long time ago, I cannot even remember when that was,” I said.
“Boy, that’s too bad,” said the old man, finally. “You could try some of these candies.” He passed a dusty package of faded jelly candies across the splintered counter.
“Are these Goofs?” I asked. “I thought you couldn’t get Goofs anymore.” I couldn’t help myself– I tore the cellophane asunder with such force that many of the Goofs fell to the floor, rolled under distant objects. I ate one.
“Funny, as otherworldly delicious as these are, I don’t feel much like goofing. I feel the same ennui.”
And then the old man died, right there in his chair.
I peered out the door, down the highway in both directions. Seeing nothing but giant brown boulders, I knew it was safe. I removed the old man’s wallet and tucked it into my jacket pocket.
And then I felt better.
“It will be best not to donate that car to pandas,” I said aloud to no one. And I huffed it back to the motel. Some men in blue jumpsuits were just about to roll the luxury car onto a flatbed tow truck.
“No. I don’t want to donate it now,” I screamed. “Get out of here. Get away!”
The men left immediately.
And so did I.
The Power of Tolerable by Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp is not to be confused with Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp or UFOlogist Brian Schropp.
Please take out your notebooks now and turn to page 26.
In this lesson, you can learn greatness and eventually you may be great.
But that is setting a very high bar. Can you achieve that?
No.
So, strive for being tolerable (turn to page 33).
Tune in to my show “The Power of Tolerable” beginning Tuesday nights at 9PM on Cable Network 152 (Network 27 in the Islands). Complete exercises 5-21 beforehand and have them ready as you watch the show. We will go through each section, lay out a plan of action for each and then you will hand in your notebooks via the special slot on your television (a Danny Madison Vision Marauder HD-Portal TV is required to complete this dispatch). I will grade each section and return them to you within one business day. There are no additional materials to purchase.
Each of us has within him the power to be tolerable. Join me now.
I’ll be by the pond.
Third Volume of Keebaugh Memoirs to be Released Tomorrow
By Buck Igloos
The third volume of Lankville Daily News correspondent Zach Keebaugh’s memoirs will be released tomorrow, sources are confirming.
My Tussle: Book Three: The Spleen of My Heart, a 1,216-page tome covering “Keebaugh’s early high school years” has gotten rave reviews.
“Keebaugh’s third volume is pure raw testimony of youth, it aches with intimacy,” said literary critic Bernard Varrone, Jr. “When Keebaugh writes– “yo, I wanted to pounce on that shit like a hillbilly on a rolling melon” the reader can relate to that in a profound and personal way.”
Keebaugh by the pool.
Keebaugh says that My Tussle: Book Three: The Spleen of My Heart will cover his life from grade 9 to the early part of grade 10.
“Yo, it’s taken me a little longer to drop this one on the public because it was a deeply mysterious point in My Struggle and I had to really wrestle with it, do some personal reflecting by some pools and all, just to get this bad boy down.”
“The book begins with a 150-page rumination on how they made me take 9th grade social studies in this shitty trailer they pulled up on the high school campus. Yo, that was a stone-cold slap in the face and I remember opening the squeaky door to that trailer and the squeak was like somebody saying this is the end of your childhood Keebaugh. It was brutal.”
Keebaugh is already working on volume four.
“The original plan was to drop a tetraology. A big old fuckin’ tet, man. But realistically, this could end up being six or seven volumes, man. Shit, I blew through 1,200 pages on Grade 9 alone.”
My Tussle: Book Three: The Spleen of My Heart has already sold several thousand advance copies and will be available at most Lankville bookshops.
Bumpkiniana
As Told to Otis Nixon
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present “Bumpkiniana”, a series of Bumpkin tales as recorded by folklorist Otis Nixon.
Earl came 300 miles along the tracks of the Southern Outlands Express to see his sister Tulah who lived above a greengrocer’s. He sang an old bumpkin folk song as he walked:
I’m walking
Yes, I am walking
I’m walking
To see my sister.
When he arrived, Tulah greeted him from the porch. She was wearing a unicorn costume.
“Aww, honey,” Earl said. “You ain’t gonna’ wear that unicorn hat the whole time, are you?”
“Naw, Earl,” Tulah said. “If it bothers you, I don’t need to wear it.”
She removed the helmet with the big papier mache horn to reveal long flowing brown hair.
“Aw, now, see Tulah, you always did have the most beautiful hair. Why, you’re gonna’ have just all kinds of suitors asking after you now that you took that unicorn hat off.”
Tulah blushed.
“I got you something Earl. It’s a present.”
A local lunatic’s imagining of Tulah in her unicorn suit.
“Aw, now, Tulah, you didn’t need to go and do all that.”
She gave him a box with a big colored bow. Earl removed the top to reveal a giant crushed hat.
“Aw, my God, Tulah. Look at this hat! It’s beautiful!”
“I’m sorry it got crushed, Earl. The man at the hat store was rough with it.”
“It’s beautiful.”
They embraced, sister and brother, for the first time in years.
“You must be hungry Earl. Let’s go over to the train station. There’s a fellow over there that sells franks.”
After dinner, they sat on the porch above the greengrocer’s. A man came out below and screamed for a long time.
“Who’s that devil?” Earl said.
“Aw, he does that all the time,” Tulah said.
They set out awhile.
“Aw, this is a beautiful town you live in, Tulah.”
“I know Earl.”
Earl left the next day. “I gotta’ keep on,” he said.
As he walked away, he sang another old bumpkin folk song:
I went to see my sister
Oh, I went to see my sister
Now, I’m done seeing my sister
And now I’m fixing to walk back home
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK