The Lankville Daily News

By Ida Rumpus

You’re on a hot date on a Saturday night in Lankville’s swingingest scene: perhaps a quick slice at “Pizza-A-Round” followed by a movie at old Pondicherry Theater, maybe a stroll in The Woods if the conversation’s really engrossing. Things are getting intense and you suggest catching the last Subway train home, or perhaps you’re better off hailing a cab. That’s when your date turns to you and says…

Wait – what’s that? A series of words has just come out of your date’s mouth, you listened with a grin on your face and nodded idiotically, but did you really understand what was said? Luckily, the Lankville News has enlisted the aid of Men’s Feelings Expert Kevin Thurston and psychologist Winifred P. Temple to help you parse these common dating lines.

He said: “I had a really good time… I’m just not sure I’m ready to dig this tunnel with you.”

What it means: Scrape the peanut butter off your nether regions and take your arm out of that fake sling. And save the tunnel-digging until after the third date, at least.

How you feel about this closing elevator could determine the fate of your romantic life

She said: “I like the way your face remains cool, aloof, and expressionless as you regard me across the room.”

What it means: This person is confident enough to endure your disapproving gaze and the many hours of silence you’ll spend together, assuming things work out. Could be a keeper!

He said: “I was glad you quoted (famous Lankville philosopher) Nitzwald earlier, but your pronunciation was a little off.”

What it means: A classic mixed message! Rather than spend hours in front of a mirror practicing your speech, you might make better use of that time carefully basting a succulent boar’s head.

She said: “Please write to me – but only through coded messages sent by carrier pigeon. And don’t expect a response.”

What it means: You’ve got a real mystery on your hands. This is a person who enjoys the thrill of the chase and wants to see how you deal with challenges and “delayed gratification.” If you can be patient and “crack the code,” there’s no telling where this might lead!

He said: “So, have you sent any funny messages on LankLove.com lately?”

What it means: Try not to hyperventilate or show any signs of stress as you think about the fake profiles you’ve set up on the LankLove dating site to “mess with your exes.” This question is actually a signal that your date is ready for some shared tales of romantic hijinks and revenge plots gone awry. Take a deep breath, be honest, and dive right in!

She said: “Are you the type of person who rushes onto an elevator, or do you, like, take your time?”

What it means: There is no wrong answer to this question. Unfortunately, there’s no right answer, either. Getting onto an elevator too quickly can be a sign of insecurity that dates back to childhood issues with uncles and cousins, and anxieties about being locked out of your favorite shed. Sauntering slowly onto an elevator can signal that you don’t understand the basic principle of Archimedes’ screw, not to mention social niceties. It may be time to push the “going down” button on this particular date.

By Trent Steib

INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING…FOR YOU!

We’ve all been there: hustling up from the Lankville Subway, clutching sacks of delectables from Barlow Foods or holding a hatbox from Five White Guys’ Haberdashery, when nature calls. Urgently.

But where to turn when you are “on the go” and suddenly find that you “have to go”? Even as those familiar cramps begin to twinge with an unmistakable message, your thoughts can’t help but fan outwards over the qualities we all seek in a public restroom. Perhaps you are the type of person who values privacy; the open-air stalls beside the Pondicherry Square Farmer’s Market are not for you, then. Maybe you require hot, running water to wash with; if so, you will want to plan your next constitutional to pass beside the Mud Pits, where restroom plumbing is fed by the hot springs of the Lankville Partial-Ice Regions.

“I go there all the time”

After a six-month Special Investigation of the habits and preferences of Lankvillians, we have finally and definitively determined the public restroom that encompasses the features our citizens find most desirable: the Stacy Q. Pryzbylewski Memorial Water Closet on the third floor in the main branch of the Lankville Public Library.

“I go there all the time,” averred Men’s Feelings Expert Kevin Thurston. “Something about the color scheme, the lighting, and the water pressure makes for a gestalt that leaves me feeling well-adjusted for the rest of the day.”

Noted mall architect Mike Squatch, meanwhile, praised the restroom’s design aesthetics.

“You don’t often find that level of detail and harmony in post-mid-century Lankville lavoratories,” said Mr. Squatch. “The breadth, the balance – it’s really quite unique.”

Indeed, certain features of the Pryzbylewski bathroom were mentioned time and time again by men and women on the street.

Among these were the especially spacious stalls that allow ample room for spreading out. “It’s important to me to have enough leg room to do all I need to do,” confirmed Honey Rose, Lankville’s senior pizza stripper. “Especially first thing in the morning.”

“I appreciate the handrails, too,” she added.

Also noted was the pleasing mosaic design on the wall tiles, tastefully hovering at eye level for those making use of the stalls. The outward-opening doors also met with Lankvillians’ approval: “The last thing you want to do is have to step back towards the toilet when you come out,” said typical post-graduate Gretchen Chairley, 24. “You want to flush the toilet, pop the door open and leave in one fluid motion.”

High-pressure flushing action, solid aluminum panels between urinals (on the men’s side), well-stocked assorted vending machines: the Lankville Library restroom has everything to meet citizens’ gastrointestinal needs.

But it has more.

“The murder holes,” said Mike Squatch, smiling. “The murder holes are a nice perk that really sets this puppy apart.”

Every one of our respondents agreed: There is something deeply satisfying about finishing off a visit to the lavoratory by dropping an object or two through the restroom’s “special aperture” onto unsuspecting Library patrons on lower floors.

It’s just another thing that makes being out and about in Lankville such a unique adventure.

Shortly after press time, Trent Stieb was killed in a challenge. We will miss him.

By Bernie Keebler

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Embarking on a brand new business venture such as a restaurant, a “start-up,” or an animal disposal company can be daunting. Never more so than in this time of fragile economic recovery for the Greater Lankville area, when prosperity seems to beckon from every vacant lot or storefront, even as bankruptcy looms. Statistics show that most new businesses fail within a year, the erstwhile entrepreneurs becoming the object of ridicule or even challenges in their homes and in local pubs.

None of that has stopped a concern of five bold white men in Lankville.

“We’ve done the research,” said Sylvester Williams, one of the men. “We’ve crunched all the numbers with regards to what leads to success. Amidst all the hullabaloo about things like ‘capitalization ratio’ and ‘intangible assets’ and ‘long-term liabilities,’ one factor really stood out.”

“We’re white,” he said.

The White Men.

“Not only that,” added Mackenzie “Mack” Cornelius, the concern’s founder and treasurer. “We’re five white guys. That’s a combination that simply cannot fail.”

Indeed, Lankville’s illustrious history is replete with an almost unbroken string of successes by its white male citizens. “It’s tradition,” observed Glenn Ogilvie, history professor at the University of Southern Lankville. Prof. Ogilvie noted that it was transplanted foreign nobleman Edmund du Rochfecault who discovered the famous Mud Pits in the late seventeenth century.

As the Industrial Age swept across the country during the following centuries, white men led the charge: Theodore “Ironsides” Knutson founded the Lankville Quarry; Barlow Foods was the brainchild of Weatherford T. Barlow, and the company is still overseen by the scion’s white male heirs; today, of course, Lankville is secure in the resolute leadership of President Pondicherry. Thus, Prof. Ogilvie pointed out, from the stone we build our homes on to the nutrients we consume to the political machinations that make it all possible, we have white guys to thank.

“You’re welcome,” added Mr. Williams.

As of press time, the conglomerate of five white men had not yet decided what their nascent business should be.

“I’d like it to be something that involves heavy machinery and beer,” averred Mr. Cornelius. “Maybe a place that rents out industrial machines and serves beer while you wait. Something like that. If we can figure out a way to involve physical activity as well, like with dumbbells, all the better.”

There are a good deal of permits and licenses and mortgage information to sift through, the men said, but they remain firm and undaunted. They know they have what it takes to succeed, no matter what kind of business they eventually launch.

Lankville eagerly awaits their decision, and looks forward to providing its white men with another well-earned triumph.

By Elliott Cumber-Lanny

Riding a Lankville subway train to work or play is a rite of passage for local denizens. Whether one is rushing to make it to class at Lankville State University, hurrying to an important meeting near Pondicherry Square, or simply taking in the sights on the Elevated Express to the Lankville Partial Icy Regions, the subway is a nexus of adventure and surprise. Having spent many years riding our august rails, this intrepid reporter brings you a dossier on the most frequent characters you’ll encounter in the Lankville subway – hopefully with a “Hail fellow well met!”

1) The Winter Guy. He’s wearing a big, thick coat with a giant puffy hood. Probably some kind of annoying, loud, clompy boots. There will most definitely be a backpack slung over his shoulder, with little zips and ties and mountain-hikey things hanging off it.

Figure 1: “The Winter Guy”

2) The Female. Technically not allowed in the subway unaccompanied by a male relative, the female often flouts this law and finds her way down the from the street like a leaf or a plastic bag tumbling in the wind.

3) The Breather. This person always seems to find a way to sidle up next to you on the platform or in the train and just stand there, breathing. Seriously, have you ever had to listen to someone breathe, right up close and in your face? Breathing in, breathing out, making soft little gurgling sounds deep in their throat, like a strangled scream.

4) The Shilly-Shallerer. Not to be confused with the Dilly-Dallerer or the Jibber-Jabberer, the Shilly-Shallerer is a certain kind of unfortunate soul who seems to populate the subway in great numbers. Bound to appear before you at the exact wrong (but ultimately whimsical) moment, fumbling in his pockets for a subway token or handcuffed to a railing.

Figure 2: Standard View of the Lankville Subway

5) The Cretin. Always a good source of “on the street” information, the Cretin moves through the subway like hemoglobin through a well-primed artery, often endearingly disheveled, hair swept back roguishly and collar undone, grinning at passersby with yellow-brown teeth.

Such are the storied figures you’re bound to meet in the tunnels that hum underneath our beloved Lankville. So step into the station, grab your token, and join us “underground”!