Archive
An Interview with Weatherman Jack Quintz
By Gump Tibbs
Gump Tibbs recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.
Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.
GT: You have that little area in the paper where you report on the weather?
JQ: Yeah, I’ve been doing it for years. It’s fine.
GT: Fascinating. Do you like the weather?
JQ: It’s fine. It’s alright.
GT: Do you feel like you have some special insight on the weather?
JQ: We have these radar maps. It requires slight interpretation. It’s alright.
GT: What about when weather is insane and spooky?
JQ: The weather can be unpredictable.
GT: Like when your cousin took your gun and killed all those people?
JQ: What?
GT: Alright. Great. I’ll look for your column next time.
The interview suddenly ended.
I Want to Tell You So Much More About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I’ve just got so much more to tell you about my new boyfriend.
Yesterday, we walked down to the poster festival at the big tent. “I gotta’ get new some joint for my wall, Ash,” he said. He thought the stuff he had up there was getting a little childish but I thought it was really, really cute. Like the two kittens on top of a gigantic ball of yarn with the caption that says KEEP HANGING ON BECAUSE WE’RE KITTENS AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
“Nah, it’s kid’s stuff,” he said, again. Then, he ripped it straight off the wall. I put my hands up to my face in horror but then he turned his ballcap backwards and gave me the biggest kiss. “Wish I could put you up there,” he said. I think he meant it as a compliment even though, at first, I thought it was just a tad creepy. He’s so cute though, I know he likes me.
We got some hot chocolates on the way. My new boyfriend told the lady to put some extra whipped cream on mine. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Then, we went into the poster tent. They had everything in there and my new boyfriend and I just spent hours looking, holding hands, talking about EVERYTHING. I got a really beautiful poster that had a lion and a dolphin on it and my new boyfriend got one that had three really nice painted skateboards that he liked and another that advertised some kind of beer.
On the way home, my new boyfriend asked if I wanted to stop in the cemetery. We walked along the rows of graves looking at the different old-time names. “These people, Ash, they, like, lived and died,” he said. I couldn’t believe he said that!
We just have so much in common.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Guy Really Going to Town on Smoothie
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The guy that kicked the smoothie’s ass.
A local Lankville man is really going to town on a smoothie, sources are confirming.
“He’s wolfing it down like a motherfucker!” said impressed Smoothie Monarch employee Jarred Heaths of Inner Lankville Suburban Heights. “He went over in that corner by the window and you could tell that that was the end of that smoothie. It was a god damn rout, is what it was.”
“He pretty much said “checkmate” to that smoothie before it ever had a chance,” said a fellow customer who refused to be identified.
The man, who has yet to be identified himself, later thanked onlookers for their kind words in a short, previously-prepared speech.
“I’m glad that my overwhelming triumph brought a little bit of added sunshine to everyone’s morning,” he said, as he looked down at the empty smoothie glass, which lay overturned and broken on the table, a spent reminder of its former glory. “You vanquish, you look down over your opponent with respect and then you endure.”
The mysterious figure took a moment to shake hands and sign a few autographs before heading outside to his car.
Respected Grocer Cameron’s Yard Defiled; Bumpkins Ruled Out, Schropp Suspected
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Respected Lankville grocer Hank Cameron woke this morning to find his yard defiled, sources are confirming.
The bumpkins were not involved says Cameron and Gee-Temple.
“They [the miscreants] overturned several trash cans and the yard was full of vermin,” noted Cameron, manager of the Foodville Deep Northern Suburban location and father of three. “Given the problem we’ve had with raccoons and that recent super-massive squirrel strain that have showed up, you can imagine the damage that was done.”
Cameron, who is a voting member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club and a pack leader in the Small Child Scouts, said he has no doubt as to who is responsible.
“It’s Brian Schropp. It’s definitely not the bumpkins like you asked me earlier, Lloyd. It’s Brian Schropp.”
It’s definitely not the bumpkins like you asked me earlier, Lloyd. It’s Brian Schropp.
Detective Gee-Temple took a series of prints from the overturned cans and believes an arrest will be imminent.
“Hank is a leading citizen of Lankville. We’ll get to the bottom of this. And no, the bumpkins were not involved in this, Lloyd. There is absolutely no credence to that theory, so let’s just get off the bumpkins and move on.”
SCHROPP ISSUES STATEMENT
Schropp: “I AM INNOCENT OF THESE EGREGIOUS CHARGES!” (paraphrased)
I am just as upset and outraged over the defiling of the yard of Mr. Hank Cameron, manger of Foodville and respected Lankville citizen. No one should have their trash thrown around like that (“a feast for racoons and massive squirrels” is what the neighborhood is calling it). It’s also upsetting that Mr. Cameron (and others) are accusing me of being the perpetrator. I understand that based on the phone conversation printed earlier in the week, folks are saying that I had “a motive”. But like I have stated before Mr. Cameron can be a bit of an a-hole when dealing with the public and has probably made quite a few enemies over the years.
Do I know if the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) were responsible? I have reached out to them and haven’t heard back. I would imagine if a public statement were issued, it would have been made by now (by contacting me, of course). Equally troubling is the fact that apparently I am no longer welcome in the Foodvile store and will have to wait in the car while my folks and siblings shop. In trying to place blame for this horrific event, let us look at another possibility.
Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t the BSU or an enemy from Mr. Cameron’s past. Maybe it was another citizen of Lankville-someone who has kept their feelings about breakfast sandwiches to themselves and in seeing the comments made by Mr . Cameron this week, finally decided to act.
Something to think about anyways.
WE ARE LANKVILLE
To conclude this article on a happier note, the Huntington Road Deli has decided to pick up my idea for “fresh frozen” breakfast sandwiches. Deli owner Kirby Lomax is excited to give the idea a chance since his other breakfast ideas have failed to catch the morning commuter crowd. “I guess people want an actual breakfast in a sandwich not canned meat shoved roughly into a doughnut,” he told me while slicing a honey baked ham for a customer yesterday afternoon. Finally someone who is getting the picture!!!
With a positive outcome to this situation and a few good future articles in the works, I am trying to overlook the fact that I was paired with the bumpkins yet again. Keeping my fingers crossed that the story has finally blown its course and I am free of them at last. As always keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy eating,
BRI
Gluten and Sugar-Free Pumpkin Pie Teddy Bears in Five Easy Steps
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on making gluten and sugar-free 
pumpkin pie teddy bears.
There’s more than one way to make a pumpkin pie!
Why not try something different this year? Instead of the tired old “round” pumpkin pie, why not try making your pumpkin pies in the shape of cute, cuddly little teddy bears?
Now, I know it’s crazy difficult to be the one hosting and making a big feast for your family and that making pumpkin pies that look like little teddy bears might end up being LAST on the to do list. But trust me, it’s not as hard as it looks. In fact, it can be accomplished in five easy steps!
INGREDIENTS
- 1 15 oz can pumpkin
- 2 eggs
- 2/3 cup unsweetened soy milk (or unsweetened almond milk, grass milk, or cream – milk has more carbs, so, adjustments!)
- 1/3 cup organic cream
- 1 entire box of artificial organic all-natural sweetener
- 1 teaspoon dark molasses (optional)
- 2 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon crushed Buntz Mallows
- 1 scant teaspoon nutmeg (similar to the sprinkle of a light spring rain)
- 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
STEP ONE
Before beginning, you’ll need to acquire a pie crust mold that comes in the shape of a cuddly little teddy bear. Think ahead! Don’t go around at the last minute, rushing frantically into store and after store, becoming progressively more unhinged as you beg of an uncaring store clerk for that perfect cuddly teddy bear mold. Believe me, I’ve been through it– it’s no fun! Order your mold ahead and of time and you won’t have to worry. Lankville Speciality Animal Baking Molds has a lot of great options– check out their website at 123easypies!.com. This takes some of the guessing out of the initial part of your endeavor and will make it more fun.
Now that you have your mold, you’ll dump your ingredients into it, pre-heat your oven at 425 degrees, and bake for 15 minutes.
Don’t go around at the last minute, rushing frantically into store and after store, becoming progressively more unhinged as you beg of an uncaring store clerk for that perfect cuddly teddy bear mold.
STEP TWO
Our camera lens completely shattered when we attempted to photograph Hadbawnik’s cuddly bear pies, so we have included a stock photograph of pumpkins instead.
Reduce your oven temperature to 350 degrees and bake another 40 to 50 minutes. Gently pierce your bear’s chest with a knife and remove the pie when the knife comes clean (don’t worry- later, we’re going to cover up the piercings with a funny oversized candy bowtie!)
STEP THREE
Cool for two hours. You can begin on your bowtie and funny hobo hat now!
STEP FOUR
Decorate. Add the bowtie, hobo hat and frame your bear’s edges with a thin layer of whipped cream. This will give him depth and make him stand out even further.
STEP FIVE
Serve (and wait for the compliments!).
DHAD
Flying Saucers Today! The Bud Cups Photo
By Graahaam Fosdick
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present articles from Graahaam Fosdick’s long-running periodical “Flying Saucers Today!”.
On April of this past year, I was walking through the woods in the hills near Bud Cups (Outer Regions). I was just hoping to enjoy some wildlife and, of course, I was sobbing hysterically and thought it best to be in the hills. Nevertheless, I took along my camera just for appearances’ sake. As I came down the east side of a little hillock, the woods broke away into a delightful clearing. “WHY THIS IS A FINE SPOT FOR A PICNIC,” I declared to no one (and a little too loudly). My eyes were drawn to the utility lines which snaked their way across this lovely spot and on down the opposite hillside.
It was about then that I noticed that the clearing had suddenly become shaded. I looked up.
Fosdick took this photograph while sobbing hysterically.
I got the shock of my life.
Suspended at what seemed a height of no more than five feet directly over me, with no visible means of support, was a huge, round metallic disc. It hung motionless in midair. Although I would not dare to hazard a guess as to how big the thing was, it looked mildly gigantic. Like the size of a swimming pool flotation device crafted into the shape of an amiable dragon or perhaps the undercarriage of a small automobile.
Very slowly, then, the disc began moving up and away from me, towards the North. The bottom seemed convex and the upper surface reached up to form a glowing orange dome. The object again hovered briefly over the hills. I vomited immediately and then began crying again. But just before it moved out of eyesight, I was able to snap the photograph which you see today.
Immediately, the thing took off. It made no sound and elicited no exhaust or smoke of any kind. It was simply gone in a brilliant flash beyond the horizon. My body was trembling violently and I vomited again as I looked at my watch. Although the sick covered the face of the watch (and ultimately made it unwearable), I was able to discern the time. It was precisely 3:58 P.M.
It was about four o’clock of the same day in another part of Bud Cups. A fat newsboy named Dronald Rutherford was, as usual, fatly peddling his bicycle down Lankville Rural Route 221- to make some deliveries in a distant part of town. He stopped before the Schantz residence, adjacent to the highway in the open countryside. Mrs. Schantz was puttering around senselessly in the yard beside the house. Mr. Schantz was up on the roof, removing an errant beach ball. It was, in fact, noticing Mr. Schantz struggling with the beach ball that caused the newsboy to look up. In the blue sky above, he saw what he later described as looking like the bottom of a flying saucer.
“Hey,” he said in his lardass way of speaking. “LOOK AT THAT!”
Puzzled, Mr. Schantz fell off the roof and died.
Puzzled, Mr. Schantz fell off the roof and died. Mrs. Schantz followed the newsboy’s corpulent finger as it rose towards the sky. They caught sight of the thing as it remained in the air. After a short while, it took off, to quote the plump whale of a newsboy, “faster than any jet, straight for the Outlands!”
After a short while, it took off, to quote the plump whale of a newsboy, “faster than any jet, straight for the Outlands!”
Later (I was still ignorant of this incident), my photographic print proved that what I’d witnessed from the hillside had not been an outlandish hallucination, but an outlandish fact.
I was, of course, most enthusiastic about my flying saucer and I immediately stopped sobbing. The first person with whom I shared my experience was an island friend, whom I shall call “Prance”, who came over to my apartment in East Lankville for dinner one evening. He was seated on the little green hassock, I on a chair. After some small talk, which I angrily kept to a minimum, we sat in complete, frightening silence for a few seconds while I collected my thoughts. How should I tell him about the saucer?
At length I blurted out: “Do you believe in flying saucers?”
“Of course,” replied my island cohort in his booming foreign voice, as though I’d asked him whether he believed in the Sun or the shocking rise of “Challenges” in the Lankville area. I was stunned. I had certainly never believed in flying saucers myself before this revelation and of all greasy islanders I have known, I could not have visualized my friend as a “saucer enthusiast.”
“Stay here,” I commanded, leaving the room in an excited rush. I returned with my hill picture, shoved it violently into his palm and sat down on the hassock next to him before realizing that the hassock was really too small to contain the bodies of two men. The hassock was, point of fact, really too small even for my friend but I liked offering it to people despite the fact that there was a perfectly comfortable sofa nearby. I liked the power, I admit it.
“You don’t seem at all surprised,” I said after I related my account up in the hills.
“I’m not,” he said loudly. “I’ve seen hundreds of these things.”
“Hundreds?” I was astonished.
“Yes,” he said. “They come in many colors. Plus, I’ve been shot with a ray gun. That’s why I have trouble driving.” He stared at me with a crazed look in his brown, normally empty island eyes.
We have not seen each other socially since.
Nevertheless, I present my story to you, dear reader, as pure unadulterated fact. It was, indeed, a flying saucer that I saw. It was a flying saucer that Dronald Rutherford and Mrs. Schantz saw. And even my former friend “Prance”– he too saw a flying saucer although I certainly don’t believe that rubbish about the ray gun.
A Decorative Oar Makes a Great Thanksgiving Centerpiece
By Floyd Tingley
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Now, I know what you’re thinking– the boating season’s over, all the nautical-themed outdoor decorations have been dusted off and stored inside for the long winter– there’s no call for a decorative oar right now. Well, I’m here to tell you that a decorative oar makes a great Thanksgiving centerpiece. Get your wife to lay a bed of hollies down and you’ve got yourself a real conversation starter. Get two and on the big day, you can drop that beautiful bird right down in between them. Creates symmetry, it’s pleasing to the eye. I’ve had many a repeat customer.
Right now, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we’re having a holiday sale. You pay full price (that’s $195 including customized gold-plated engraving) for your first oar and I’ll throw the second oar in for just $165. That’s a savings of $30. Times are tough these days. That $30 will come in handy.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only (I don’t have time for no nonsense). And remember: a Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.
The Lankville Daily News Guide to Great Sex
By JoLayne Fasters
JoLayne Fasters is Lankville’s premier authority on sexual intercourse.
Was it good for you?
If you’re like most of Lankville, chances are it wasn’t. Chances are it was really bad and maybe even scary. You were addled with anxiety, there was an otherworldly piercing noise you couldn’t identify, you were worried about your physical worth. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a romantic novel or the back of one of those juice cans, you still harbor your suspicions. Sure, you thundered like a bucking stallion, sure, you melted at his touch like candy on a particularly hot Easter. And yet, you still think- you’re pretty much not getting it anywhere as often as everyone else.
You think to yourself– can’t we all just have great sex???
Of course we can. All the time. But first, we must decide what great sex is.
“Great sex starts in here,” says clinical psychologist Patti Cooks, pointing to her breast. “What, in your boobs?” we asked. “No, no, in your heart.”
“Great sex starts in here,” says clinical psychologist Patti Cooks, pointing to her breast. “What, in your boobs?” we asked. “No, no, in your heart.” We nodded slowly. “It starts in your heart and great sex is about what is in your particular heart and in the heart of your lover and then the two hearts come together to decide what great sex is. It could be multiple orgasms throughout an entire raucous night, it could be a lot of chatter and then some quick sort of breezy thing. But first, you have to do this.” Cooks then pointed to her wide open mouth.
“What…? Oral…?” we asked confusedly.
“No, no,” she admonished. “You have to open your mouth. You have to talk.”
GREAT SEX TIP ONE: PILLOW TALK
Maybe you want your lover to dress up as a happy, smiling tooth and distribute dental supplies while you videotape the whole thing. You’ll never know if they’re up for it without an open, honest line of communication. (Photo by J. Fasters)
So, as we found out, the mouth is great for kissing and for orally-administered forms of arousal but it’s also a tool of communication. Try it. Tell each other what you want. Maybe you want something simple like a particular part of your body rubbed sensuously. Maybe you want your partner to dress up as a happy smiling tooth and distribute dental supplies on a street corner while you videotape the entire thing. But you’ll never know any of this without an open line of communication. Shoot for trust and openness.
GREAT SEX TIP TWO: DON’T BELIEVE ALL THE TALK
Don’t believe all the bragging out there about sexual potency– everyone is apt to exaggerate their exploits and paint distorted pictures of their sex lives.
“About 97% of people are liars,” Cooks says. “A lot of people think they’re missing out on something because they read all the crazy talk on things like Lankbook and at amusement parks. “Don’t think the pleasure ship has sailed and left you behind. The pleasure ship is still docked. It’s ready for you to hop aboard.”
Cooks excused herself momentarily.
GREAT SEX TIP THREE: FOCUS ON LUSCIOUS, PLEASURABLE SENSATIONS
Commutes. Computational devices. Calculators. Challenges. “The Four C’s”. And they all lead us to stress.
Stress is a great enemy of sex. So is anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our minds,” Cooks says, “put away those calculators for just a minute, we can open ourselves up to better sex.”
Cooks recommends a mentra: FOLPS (Focus on Luscious Pleasurable Sensations).
“There are techniques ranging from quiet leering at your partner at close range to a sort of synchronized breathing that helps keep you in the moment,” she notes. “Great sex happens in the present. It never happens in the future.”
The author and Dr. Cooks suddenly got into an argument about time machines and this segment came to an abrupt end.
GREAT SEX TIP FOUR: FOCUS LESS ON SIZE AND MORE ON OTHER MATTERS
No two people are built the same (fact) and it’s important to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of a modest size may be a perfect fit. For other women, they need the good stuff. Nevertheless, it’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. Perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only avenue to satisfying sex.
“My goodness, no,” Dr. Cooks laughed. “Small men can be perfectly useful. There’s kissing. Cooing. They can sit in the corner and coo at you. It’s a full panoply of pleasure giving.”
Next time, we’ll continue with a few more great sex tips. In the meantime, try a few of these out and let us know how they go. We always appreciate your letters, electronic mails and telephone calls.
Royer Briefed By Popinjay; Orders Massive Shipment of Saltines
By Sha-Nell Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Rumored to be “coming out of his funk again,” storied business magnate Ric Royer has been seen this week consulting an unusual source for medical advice for his ongoing severe case of jaundice.
The Popinjay (File illustration)
Last Tuesday, Lankville Action News: YES! was trailing Royer as he was carried on a palanquin by six of his trusty “life interns” (all of whom he met on Lanklist and who he says have “worked out pretty well”) at the Knott Salt Depository just outside town. Royer, resplendent and tinged yellow, held a discrete meeting behind the salt mound with a popinjay for forty-five minutes, and inside sources within Royer’s inner circle have suggested the topic was Royer’s skin color.
Detail of Royer’s face (take note of the fine eyebrows).
It is not known exactly what passed between the two behind the mound, but public records show that Royer’s shell company also bought a massive 200 ton shipment of saltines from The Depths via Teets Island just two days later. The shipment evidently filled two of Royer’s warehouses.
Coincidence? Medical cure? Or just pure eccentricity?
You decide!
In unrelated news, Royer’s autobiography, “Strangling People Without Leaving a Mark and Other Riddles” is expected to be out in June.
Analysis Pending on Bumpkin Trailer Inventory; Schropp on the Breakfast Sandwich Underground
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Analysis is still pending on the bumpkin trailer inventory handed over to Lankville Daily News reporter Lloyd Byas-Kirk last Friday. The bumpkins were taken off by the wind over two weeks ago.
The bumpkin inventory is still being “analyzed”.
“I can’t imagine what the hell you’re “analyzing”,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who handed over the roster of household items and utilized air quotation marks when pronouncing the word “analyzing”. Gee-Temple then began a long pedantic folksy tale involving a rabbit that need not be reproduced here.
There have been no further sightings of the bumpkins since their mysterious wind abduction.
SCHROPP ON THE BSU
To address a question I have been asked a lot recently, yes, the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) is real. No it’s not just me (so, let’s stop the letters please!), they are a true group for whom I am their spokesperson. They are not a terror group, they are not evil, they are everyday folk like you and me going to their offices, retail jobs and grease pits. But in their hearts, upset at the state and policies of breakfast sandwiches in Lankville and tired of getting laughed at\ridiculed about it. Do I condone some of their actions? No. The trash cans knocked over in front of supermarkets and convenience stores with “BSU” spray- painted on them is not very civil. But I feel their frustration and maybe if these places had better breakfast sandwich options these types of things wouldn’t happen.
Now, onto another topic that I have been asked about recently. The popularity of “fresh frozen” has reached an all-time high recently. What is “fresh frozen”? Put simply, it’s food which is prepared fresh, then is frozen to be delighted in at a later date. And of course this food trend has been popping up in the arena of breakfast sandwiches. Have I tried it? Yes, a few times when my mom has allowed me to “make a mess in the kitchen”. And I do believe there is a better taste and quality to your normal frozen variety of breakfast sandwich.
I have tried it…when my Mom has allowed me to “make a mess in the kitchen”.
A thought came to me while I was testing out this process. Why can’t grocery stores make breakfast sandwiches fresh in the morning, let’s say in their deli department, and then keep them frozen for customers throughout the day to enjoy? I decided to call one of my nearby grocers “Foodville” and speak with the manager Hank Cameron (who can be a real a-hole, frankly– though, don’t print that, please). Here is the transcript from that call:
“Thanks for calling Foodville, this is Louise speaking how can I help you?”
Foodville manager Hank Cameron who Schropp referred to as “a bit of an a-hole”. Cameron enjoys camping and guns.
“Hi, I was wondering if I could talk with Hank Cameron please.”
“Is this Brian? Listen, he doesn’t have time for you today. He’s going to be upset with you hassling him.”
I remained silent.
“Alright, hold on a sec.”
I WAS ON HOLD FOR 35 MINUTES! !
“What do you want Brian?”
“Yes Mr. Cameron, I have a wonderful idea that you may want to introduce to your deli department. It could really help with your sales.”
“I don’t have time for your breakfast sandwich ideas right now, I’m dealing with a delivery in the back.”
“But if I could just talk to you about fresh frozen options for breakfast sandwiches it could give you an edge over Food Mart.”
“Fresh what?!!!”
“Oh come on, you’ve heard of fresh frozen. You call yourself a grocery manager? You need to stay on top of these trends.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“You can if you want but the BSU will probably not be happy about it.”
“Listen Brian if I find out you are the one knocking over the trash cans in front of the store I’m calling Gee-Temple.”
[Mr. Cameron slams down the phone]
Again, I do not condone any measures the BSU takes. I hope Mr. Cameron can listen to reason about new and exciting breakfast sandwich possibilites down the road. Speaking of new and exciting possibilities, The Lankville Daily News has assured me that this, dear readers, will finally be my first dedicated article! No more bumpkins! Congratulations to the News for taking an important step forward. Well until next time readers, keep your mind and mouth open to new things!!
HAPPY EATING,
BRI
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
Chris Vitiello is the founder and CEO of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc.
My childhood backyard was carpeted in strips of Astroturf.
They said, “Jesus Christ, this is terrible Astroturf.” But my father demurred. “This Astroturf is fine,” he said. “The packaging says Quality on it. That’s the name of the company, in fact. “Quality Astroturf.”
I began crying. A swingset was promised.
I began crying. A swingset was promised.
“It’s breaking apart as we lay it,” they said. “It emits terrible fumes.”
“Naw, it’s fine,” said my father. He sat down at the picnic table with a can of beer.
I walked along the fence. They were having fun in the next yard. The father was sunning himself on a chaise-lounge and the children were playing in a plastic swimming pool. Everyone wore fashionable sunglasses.
“This Astroturf is made of dangerous materials,” they said. “Someone lit a match earlier and a strip of this Astroturf erupted in flames.”
“It’s fine. It’ll be fine,” my father said.
I began crying again.
That was the occasion of my 9th birthday.
Dick Oakes: Night Detective
Dick Oakes: Night Detective
AN ONGOING SERIES FOR FANS OF ROUSING, HARDBOILED YARNS
I was standing in a Pots Barn when the call came and boy was I glad of it. It had been an hour since I walked in the place, just intending to pick out a holiday wreath. The next thing I knew, some clerk was going on about boxwood cone trees, decorative rattan sleighs and lush magnolia and bright berries. I couldn’t make any of it out.
It was Bingaman. “Some sort of orgiastic youth affair in one of the warehouses. We got a kid dead and nobody is talking,” he said.
“Yeah, well, I’ll lean on ’em. Just let me see what the deal is with these succulent pinecone wreaths and then…”
“Dick, you better get down there right now. Forget about the wreath.”
It was in the old Lankville shipbuilding district. Grim, windowless warehouses– dark to the street. I finally found the soiree around back, towards the river. Must have been a hundred of ’em in there– a band was still onstage but there was total silence.
The kid was college-aged– lying in a pool of blood. He’d been dead about an hour and it was a slug that had caught him.
I looked up and noticed something funny then. I approached the stage.
“You guys were playing when this happened?”
HO Scale model of the murder site. Perfect for vintage train layouts. Contact Dick Oakes, Lankville Police West, 5-3822.
The frontman nodded. He couldn’t look at me though.
“How come none of your instruments are plugged in?”
He looked down in horror.
Bingaman came down and we leaned on a bunch of ’em. It was a lovesick, tortured boyfriend deal. Maybe the boyfriend had something on his ex, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he came there to reveal it and maybe somebody had shot him. And it all came back on a girl that had been onstage earlier. Everybody gave us the same address and description. It was candy.
“You wanna’ handle this, Oakes?” Bingaman asked. “Seems like your area of expertise.”
I nodded.
“I gotta’ get back to the station. Move some of those trays around.”
Him and those trays. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
It was a 5-floor walkup downtown. None of the buzzers were marked. I leaned on all of ’em. They said I would be able to tell by her voice.
It was number four. “I’ll come to the lobby,” she said. She had a voice alright. A voice that took your knees out. The lock buzzed.
The lobby was a poorly-lit, fetid place with an old vending machine that dispensed cartons of milk. Someone had ordered a pizza recently, eaten half of it and then crushed the rest into the carpet. Decorative ham circulars and public-service challenge warnings littered every corner.
I could hear her heels clicking on the stairs. It was a dangerous sound, I knew it. And then she stopped at the base like a girl making her entrance at a ball. And it was a grand one.
C’mon Oakes, a voice said but I elected to ignore it.
I don’t think I need to tell you that she was selling it everywhere.
I don’t think I need to tell you that she was selling it everywhere. Her eyes were large, dark and self-possessed and she had cascading, meticulously-coiffed hair that seemed to never quit. She was the kind of girl that could go from good to bad in a minute, and back to good again. A sort of quick-change artist. And right now, she was as good as a cooling pie off a windowsill in the Lankville countryside.
“Mr. Oakes,” she started. “If this is about that unfortunate incident down at the warehouse…” She stopped, waiting for me to pick it up.
“Why’d you bolt?” I had to burn a cigarette. A sign said no smoking but I figured, if they were allowing pizzas to be crushed into the carpet, they probably weren’t sticklers on a little ash.
“The victim, Talbot, I knew him…we were good friends. I couldn’t bear it…” I could see she was thinking about whether to turn on the waterworks.
“How’d you know him?”
“He had a very nice video camera and fashioned himself a bit of a director. We made movies. He liked to make movies about those creatures…you know…that are half-woman, half-fish.”
I didn’t know what the hell she was talking about but I played along. “You acted in some of these half woman, half-fish movies, then?” I was trying to figure out if there was a blue angle or not.
“It didn’t require much acting. I just laid on a rock by the old truck bridge. Talbot had rigged up a little fin for my legs.”
“Skip it. Let’s get to the murder. Who plugged him?”
“Jimmy Berries. That’s Talbot’s brother.”
Berries. The name rang a bell. And not because of the Pots Barn either. There had been a Talbot Berries that had run deliveries for a pizza joint. He had been shot by some bigwig Lankville business man. They had covered the whole thing up. I looked down at the pizza crushed into the carpet again. She saw me. And that’s when it broke down.
“It’s real big, Mr. Oakes. The connections in all this. Bigger than any of us.”
I knew it. And I knew then that she was innocent.
To be continued
EXPOSE: Jury Duty in Lankville
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! INVESTIGATIVE REPORT
A drab, windowless room lined with splintery wood benches– a motionless ceiling fan mounted to one wall.
A second, windowless room– this one with an ancient television that projects nothing but static. A speaker, mounted into the ceiling, plays light trumpet music once every two minutes. A giant stack of pumpkins in one corner– a sign placed before them reads, “NOTHING TO DO WITH THE COURTS”.
A third room deep in the bowels of the great courthouse. No one has any idea what goes on in here. No one will talk. Until now.
These are the rooms where Lankvillians do their jury service.
THE WEBSITE
“Happy Juror in Wheat”, an image from Lankville’s jury duty website.
Lankville’s jury duty website– lankvillejurorfun!.gov is a pleasing page full of images of people running through waving fields of grain and petting small farm animals and features a small area of restrained puzzles. The overview of the process reads, “Jury duty touches the inner lives of billions of Lankvillians every year. Be with us!” The “be with us” phrase is trademarked. A small flier can be partially downloaded before an error message was received on several Lankville Daily News devices.
Jury duty touches the inner lives of billions of Lankvillians every year. Be with us!”
THE PROCESS
At 5PM on the day prior to service, one calls an automated number to see if one has been selected (Lankville currently offers no online option). The sound on the recording is so low, however, and the voice of the speaker so muffled that one is generally forced to call back repeatedly. “It sounds as if the court official is talking into a big hat,” said one frustrated prospective juror. “Like one of those textured summer straw hats that’s been flattened to fit into a bag but has not yet resumed its normal shape– like the guy just started talking into one of those while it was still re-forming,” the juror added. Indeed, we noticed a strange, sort of crinkling sound on the recording.
“Yeah, the whole phone thing,” said a court official, who refused to be identified. “You’re talking about the hat recording, right?” We nodded. “Yeah, man.” The official took a booming pull off a soda straw and shook his head disgustedly back and forth. “That phone thing,” he said quietly.
DAY OF
On the day of their service, prospective jurors are ushered into one of the three rooms described above. An inside source, who we met in a fog on the Lankville heaths, indicated that the cohort taken to the third subterranean room, are invariably selected for service. “It’s been figured out months in advance,” the mysterious source stated. “The people in the top two rooms, they are subjected to minor irritants like the terrible snack foods and candy in the basically inoperable vending machines or when they wheel out the film projector and show that two and a half hour puppet movie but then, you know, they get to leave. The people in the third room– they stay for a long, long time.”
The source stopped short at revealing the source of the deceit. “Just think of The Grand Old Man. And then you can pick up the trail,” he whispered before disappearing into the mist.
The people in the third room– they stay for a long, long time.”
“THE GRAND OLD MAN”
“The Grand Old Man”, Judge Socquettes.
The sobriquet “The Grand Old Man” is often applied to the venerable Judge Socquettes, who has been meting out justice in Lankville for over 70 years. He has been the subject of poems and parade floats and his name graces the front of over 9000 buildings in coastal Lankville alone. Could there be a dark side to the great man?
A “legal professional”, who insisted on complete anonymity and spoke to us from the second floor of an abandoned barn in the Great Lankville Plains that had been blanched grey by the great, abominable obligation of time, placed the blame squarely on Socquettes.
“It’s that chest-pack radio. He puts on that chest-pack radio and listens to it and pays no attention to any cases. We have to retry again and again and again. And we have to keep juries there again and again and again. I’ve watched people on the jury just collapse– not the collapse of exhaustion or boredom but the collapse or pure purposelessness, a sense of deep existential purposelessness that causes celestial forces to just suddenly push the victim down to the carpet. It’s terribly sad.”
“Nothing can be done though until his hold is broken. Because none of that cohort, that poor third group is saying anything. You won’t get a word out of them,” our source noted.
Our source was right. Over one hundred phone calls were not returned.
Judge Socquettes refused to be interviewed for this story.
FOR CLB
Flounced Linen Bed Skirt Nearly Strangles Royer
By Sha-Nell Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A gorgeous, flounced linen bed skirt nearly strangled Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, sources are reporting.
Royer: recovering.
The dangerous escapade occurred last night in a Small Beaches hotel room.
“Sometimes when I sleep, I tend to thrash around in a sort of horrifying way,” explained Royer, who was taken to a local hospital to recover. “At some point during the night, we believe that I became entangled with the flounced linen bed skirt. Then, in the middle of the thrashing, I was suddenly lifted upward. The effect was that I was nearly hanged.”
Sometimes when I sleep, I tend to thrash around in a sort of horrifying way.
Police ferreted a series of hotel employees into a dark, windowless closet where they were meticulously interviewed. Two were later given 40-year prison sentences.
“We came to the conclusion that the flounced linen bed skirt had been placed on the bed in a slightly haphazard way,” asserted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “And we made the decision to dispense with justice right then and there.”
By this morning, Royer was playfully shoving nurses and doctors, overturning wheelchairs and setting small fires about the hospital. He will likely be released sometime this evening.
The Electronics Cranny: New Semi-Portable Typing Machine Now Available!
By Neil Cuppy
How many times have you said to yourself, “HOLY GOD JESUS IN CHRIST’S HELL! I can’t read my own handwriting!” Often the information you are trying to decipher is critically important– perhaps even could save someone from being murdered. Wouldn’t it be great if you had a semi-portable typing machine that you could just whip out every time you had to jot down a message? Well, with the new Handi-Writer from Fick Industries, you can do exactly that! Now you can carry a typewriter everywhere and use it when needed.
The Handi-Writer is small enough that it can be strapped to your back using the patented Sling-Cups design. Although it can not be measured, it checks in at only 26.2 pounds– it’s actually no heavier than two heavy bowling bowls in a sack. The Handi-Writer is made possible by advanced technologies and new theories in slight keyboard compression. “The keyboard is very, very slightly smaller than a normal typewriter keyboard,” said Fick Industries founder Fick from his dark, eerie home on the gloomy Lankville heaths. “This is what makes the Handi-Writer semi-portable.”
Best of all, the Handi-Writer is easy to use. Just switch the patented “Fick Knob” to the “Type” setting and begin typing (be sure that you have already disengaged the chassis first). Then press the “Memo” key. Finally, press the “Data” key and then click “Yes”.
“It’s actually no heavier than two heavy bowling balls in a sack.”
Stupid bitch uses a conventional computer device.
Begin typing your note– it’s that simple!
Make an error? No problem. Disengage the “Memo” key, press “BUFFER” and enter your corrections. The Handi-Writer comes equipped with a “Fick Memory Chips” that will hold up to 24 characters at any given time. Best of all, as you’re typing, your information will appear on the Liquid Matrix Data Screen Dots display. Just another fail-safe from Fick Industries.
Ready to print your note? Just insert paper into the top of the device, lube the rollers and press “YES” (not the same YES as on the data key, however). The Handi-Writer will now expertly line and rule your note and slowly begin printing your document (average time– 25-30 minutes). Your note is now permanently recorded.
Best of all, Fick Industries is now inviting you to try the Handi-Writer on a 30-day free trial basis. Decide you love it, and you’ll pay just $239.99 plus $99.99 shipping. Don’t love it? Well, we’ll see. Comes complete with AC adapter, paper, sheets, card template, balloons. Call today– Heaths, 5-2116.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK