The Lankville Daily News

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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Sources are confirming that Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” today pondered the myriad coruscations of immolation and abnegation and time.  The reflection occurred at a Teets Island “Horn of Comfy” hotel ballroom where a large “pre-breakfast” of bacons and cranny-free waffles were served.

“Yeah, yo, I’ve been pondering the afterlife and all that,” said the executive, who grew frustrated with the fissure-less waffles and their difficulty in accepting generous dollops of butter.  “You think about fire and you think about time and, yo, that shit’ll wake you up in the middle of the night.”

“Inner Hammer” paused to hurl an over-handled waffle into a trash receptacle.

“Bad idea these waffles,” he noted.  “You need to have those crannies to accept your butter.  You just can’t deposit any butter without a good cranny.”

“Inner Hammer” moaned loudly.

The Small Pizzas are currently in third place in the Pondicherry Association.

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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A family of horrible pig monsters disturbed fans last night in a league contest between the Stamps and the Small Pizzas on Hoover Island.

Sources are confirming that the pig monsters purchased their tickets and sat quietly in the upper deck but that their mere presence caused many of the 54 fans in attendance to leave by the second period.

“I just felt that I couldn’t be in the same building as a horrible family of pig monsters,” said Stamps fan Earl Cron of Northern Hoover Island.  “I just kept watching them out of the corner of my eye to see what they would do.  At any moment, I anticipated pig chaos.  I couldn’t concentrate on the game.”

Cron, who is a traditional Hoover Island nudist, was later accidentally lanced.

“It was felt we could not evict the family,” stated Stamps owner and island monarch Aaron Tucker.  “They paid legally and were among the most well-behaved of the extremely paltry, pathetic crowd that we had in attendance last night.   We held a brief quorum and made the decision despite their odious presence.”

The father of the horrible pig family was later interviewed.

“We came to show our support for hockey on Hoover Island,” said the swine, who was drooling in an utterly repellent fashion.  “I think you’re really starting to see the effect that hockey is having here and, you know, I feel like that’s something to be proud of.”

The beast then wandered into the gift shop and purchased some hats and cotton candy.

The Stamps are currently exploring options on what to do if the family attempts to attend further games.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

Senior Staff Writer

Clints Stunt is a Terrifying Bat fan.  He works everyday in a convenience store.  He has a girlfriend named Peggy.

“Eddie-Baby” Rice is a Darkness fan.  He owns a silo.  He sells grain on the weekends.  He pays country girls for coitus.

Lisa Boots is a Small Pizzas fan.  She runs a company that brings melons to stores.  She is married to a man but not in a particularly serious way.

Hockey fans, all.  But is there any further link?  I sat down with all three at a table in a basement.

DO:  So, let’s have a chat session here.  Who wants to open?
ER: I’ll open. I feel that you can look at me and say, “That guy, he’s a barometer.”
DO: A barometer of what?
ER: Values.
LB: Let me cut you off. We have a big cardboard container. It’s open at the top and we pour the melons in there. Every time, there’s this little wormy guy who appears out of the darkness with some grapes.
CS: So what? What’s that got to do with anything?
ER: You look at me and you think, “Now there’s what a Lankvillian man should be about”.
DO: OK, let’s settle down here. Lisa, I think that everyone in the room knows that you and Clint have some unspoken bond.
LB: I guess I feel it.
CS: I admit it.
DO: Clint, what turned you on right away?
CS: I’d say her round pig-like ass. It conforms to a series of ideas and memories that I have.
DO: Fair enough. Lisa, what turned you on to Clint?
LB: The way he carried that box of coffee in here. Something about the curve of his hand. It was deeply erotic and yet unsettling.
DO: Eddie-Baby, that kind of leaves you out of the loop. How do you feel?
ER(crying): I’m alright…I…
DO: Thanks everyone.

Dick Oakes’ new series will continue in further issues.

By Tito Presentation
Distinctive Reporter

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Terrifying Bats GM Cor Scorpionis (formerly Ric Royer) confirmed this morning that he has changed his name to “One Who Uses it Daily”.

A small press conference was given in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness dining hall to a sparse crowd of early-rising reporters.

“One Who Uses it Daily” appeared in a crimson road while carrying an illuminated porcelain Christmas structure.  He paused to liberally lather up a bagel with cream cheese, then proceeded to the lectern.

“It is our [the executive nodded to the Christmas structure] hope that this new sobriquet will evoke our daily life lessons, the creation of a limitless cell of wonder that cannot be contained by four simple walls.  We [the executive nodded again to the Christmas structure] have discovered a new source of inspiration and we have every intent to use this source daily. Now, please, enjoy some of these bread products, traditionally shaped by hand in the form of a ring*”.

The reporters then rushed the bagel table resulting in one stomping death.

Later, “One Who Uses it Daily” gave a brief speech before his cell.

“You’ll note that our [again, Royer nodded to the Christmas structure] nametag reads “Royysticks”.  Although it is spelled incorrectly, it is in reference to my given name and this is no longer applicable.  It should read “One Who Uses it Daily and Partner”.  The individuals that claim hegemony over this wretched community have yet to come to terms with the ephemeral.”

“One Who Uses it Daily” suddenly became dazed and entered a long period of psychogenic fugue.  The interview was ended prematurely.

*Commonly known as bagels.

By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent

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Incarcerated Terrifying Bats GM Cor Scorpionis (formerly Ric Royer) has purchased a mutant sea monster, sources are now confirming.

“There was a nuclear leak off the coast of Lankville and my people immediately made me aware of a most spectacular mutant sea monster that arose out of a drainage canal,” noted Cor Scorpionis, who submitted to a short press conference.  “At first, the creature terrorized and ultimately killed several winos and hippies that were sitting nearby but he was eventually corralled and brought to market where my people were fortunate enough to place the winning bid.”

A special basin at an undisclosed location has been constructed for the creature, Cor Scorpionis also announced.

“I’ve been looking for a new special pal ever since Mr. Chops was abducted,” noted the executive, in reference to his recently-lost dog.

A long pause ensued which ceased only when Cor Scorpionis began vomiting heavily.  The interview was then ended.

By Clifford Griffey
Contemporary Junior Chronicler

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A contest last night between the Small Pizzas and the expansion Hoover Island Stamps drew just 2  1/2 fans, a record-low attendance for a Pondicherry Association league game.

“It’s disappointing,” noted owner and GM Aaron Tucker, whose club has been mired in last place all season.  “There was a lot going on on Hoover Island last night.  The big naked festival, an historical reenactment of an old creamery, some TV shows.  But still, we were hoping for a better turnout.”

The Stamps were initially drawing well but attendance has faded considerably in the past week.

“I was surprised,” said Hoover Island resident Dale Gumms, who was one of the fans in attendance last night.  “It was so quiet, so empty.  After the first period, all the [arena] staff just kind of left.  They even started to dim the lights.  No music was played.  It was rather eerie.”

Gumms was later found murdered.

“We’ll have to look at options,” stated Tucker, who is also monarch of the island nation.  “Perhaps issue some booklets.  Or shovels,” the executive added before wandering away.

The Stamps are currently in last place in the Pondicherry Association.

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer

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Incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM Cor Scorpionis (formerly Ric Royer) announced today that he will open a chain of dollar stores in Lankville City.

The Dollar Bush will begin with 13 locations.

“We elected to go with The Dollar Bush because we want people to think of a tender, full, motherly bush that yields great fruits,” noted Cor Scorpinois, who was interviewed in the newly-erected “Fun Hall” at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.  “It’s a bush that you see from far away, from, say, across a busy highway.  But even from that great distance, you can see the blossoming bush fruits.  And you know immediately that you can pick them.”

“For a dollar,” added Cor Scorpionis, after a moment of reflection.

The executive, who also operates a chain of automats and is constructing a roller-skating rink, stated that his dollar stores will be distinctive.

“Upon occasion, we will covertly bring an extremely valuable item into select locations,” the eccentric entrepreneur stated as he hurled a small beanbag through a distant basketball hoop much to the delight of his fellow inmates.  “It will be, say, a voucher for an in-ground swimming pool or a remaindered car.  And anyone, any customer can pick it up and take it up to the counter and secure the right to pass through what we will call a period of “ULTRA MENACE”.  If the customer prevails during the period of “ULTRA MENACE”, then he will be able to purchase the valuable item for just one dollar.”

Cor Scorpionis refused to go into further detail about the “ULTRA MENACE” but stated that it would be a challenging test of strength.  “I feel confident that the average dollar store customer will not be able to withstand it but I could be surprised,” the mogul noted.

The Dollar Bush is slated to begin operation in early April.

By Gino Peebles and Johnny “Nature” Trippetts
Special Evil Correspondents

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We are responsible for the cavebeast-driven balloon bombs that have started to fall on selected targets in and around Lankville.

We’ve included a picture.  This is about ten minutes after we launched one of these bad boys.  What do you think of that, Lankville?  You think you’re going to stop a burning balloon being driven by a half-blind cavebeast?   These cavebeats– we breed ’em.  We breed ’em to KILL.  And to drive balloons.

We have no real demands.  No motives.  We just like launching these burning balloons and then taking pictures of ourselves laughing and laughing and laughing.

So, stick that up your ass Lankville.

By Lance Pepsid
Special Fashion Correspondent

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Lance Pepsid recently had a chance to catch up with 24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello.  The interview was held in someone’s yard.

CV:  I see they’ve sent you again, Mr. Pepsid.  Baffling, really.

LP:  Well, today I’m prepared with some hockey questions.  Now…

Suddenly, a gigantic hot-air balloon appeared over the horizon.  The balloon was bobbing furiously as though possessed by some sort of unearthly wind.  It seemed to be heading straight for Mr. Pepsid and Mr. Vitiello.

LP:   Let’s switch gears.  What do you make of this approaching balloon?

CV:  I have never seen anything like it.  It is absolutely astonishing and, yet, profane.  It turns the stomach the way it is being tossed about by the wind.  I notice too that it appears unmanned.

LP:   Do you think it will crash?

CV:  Most certainly.  It’s also on fire.  It will explode momentarily.

As predicted, the balloon suddenly erupted in flames.  Its descent accelerated.

LP:  Now that the balloon is drawing closer, I believe I see someone or something in the basket.

CV:  Yes.  It is a loathsome, scaly creature, absolutely abominable.  It’s a horror from the heavens.

LP:  Do you think it will kill us?

CV:  If we do not move from these delightfully comfortable plastic outdoor chairs, then yes, it will.

LP:  So there is a swiftly-moving, burning balloon, being piloted by a nightmarish creation headed straight towards us.

CV:  It draws even closer now.  I noticed that the owner [of the house] has used a chemical on the grass to make it greener.

LP:  There’s a little grill over there and some charcoal.

CV(nodding): Yes…I…

Pepsid and Vitiello suddenly fell asleep in their chairs and the interview was ended prematurely as the balloon continued its descent.

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” was defeated last night in his boxing debut in the Teets Island Chain.

The executive (0-1-0), who had been training for several days, was knocked out in the first round by challenger Denny Barbies (11-21-3) at the Cape Hats Arena before a modest crowd of 41 spectators.

The following is Mr. Kitchens’ official report:

I sat with Inner Hammer in the bowels of the great Cape Hats Arena, waiting for word.  It was a triple bill and Inner Hammer was to fight second.  His manager, a little Teets Islander named Mincher, was upset over his fighter’s dinner– fried chicken, donuts and fruit punch.  “You can’t win a fight with that shit on your stomach,” he kept saying, as he moved sullenly about the ill-lit room, chomping a cigar that was later revealed to be fake.  “Sorry, boss,” Inner Hammer kept replying softly, as his hands were taped.

Finally, an attendant opened the door.  “You’re up,” he said and Inner Hammer put on his robe– a strange garment with vertical stripes representing all the colors of the rainbow.  “Christ, that’s gaudy,” old Mincher said.  He was generally displeased with everything.  “Gee, boss, sorry,  I thought it was nice,” Inner Hammer responded.  He looked down at the floor as we made our way up the ramps and into the arena.

I could see Barbies up there.  He was a strange specimen– about 6’3 but with no bulk.  I figured Inner Hammer had about 50 pounds on him.  His manager appeared singularly disinterested.

Mincher gave his man a few words of advice and then the fighters met in the center of the ring for preliminaries.  “You guys don’t have any firearms?” the referee asked, queerly.  The answer being a confused “no”, the fighters were sent back to their corners.  Then the bell rang.

Inner Hammer stumbled out of his corner with a strange, exaggerated crab walk and a series of little hops.  No one could figure out why.  Barbies, clearly confused, backed away towards the ropes.  Inner Hammer lunged towards him and was caught with a quick, almost defensive uppercut.  The rookie fell backwards onto the canvas.  He was out cold.

Barbies, who had not won since 1997, was immediately declared the victor.  They took Inner Hammer back to his chalet.  He has refused all interview requests.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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Terrifying Bat GM The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer) has changed his name to “Cor Scorpionis, Blood Probationer” according to sources following the story.

“He asked us to set up a lectern, some lights and a buffet,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Cor Scorpionis is incarcerated.  “But then he spent all morning in his room, putting together a puzzle so we have yet to receive an official statement.”

Cor Scorpionis, who was later interviewed privately, explained the change, his third this year.

“It is folly and a rape of truth to ignore the machinations,” stated the executive, who was clearly distracted by both the completed puzzle (a photographic depiction of a dog lounging on an oversized bean bag chair) and his dazzling layout of illuminated porcelain Christmas structures.  “I say furthermore that this layout is of the Circle, and the Eye of Horus that sleepeth not, but is vigilant. The Circle is nearly all-perfect, nearly equal in every way.  And if I was ever brought my box of soda, it would be complete.”

Cor Scorpionis then gave his attendant a fierce look of disapproval and the interview was ended prematurely.

By Pete Dagobah
Ancient Terrestrial Scribe

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Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” released his “Big Board of Truth and Fairness” during a restrained event at a Teets Island Chain park in which sacks were shoved into large holes for reasons unclear.

“”The Big Board of Truth and Fairness” has been created to judge the actions of all mankind and also food,” noted the executive, whose sack suddenly erupted initiating a long period of hysteria and confusion.  “The Board is a physical board, yes, a large board with an infinite number of lights but it is also an unseen board, a board of mystery.  I serve mankind notice.”

“And also food,” “Inner Hammer” added before his sack suddenly erupted again.

“Only certain people will have access to the Board,” stated the GM, as a worker mended his ruptured sack.  “You have to pass a multiple-choice exam and some other tests.  I will be slowly releasing more information over time.”

“Inner Hammer” then stepped up to his hole only to have his sack burst yet again.