Archive
Pucking Around: Brock Belvedere’s Notebook
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
TRANSACTION REACTION
The Association has been wildly and sometimes murderously abuzz with talk of the recent goaltender trade between the 24-Piece Men and the Uncolored Condiments. “It was felt that we had problems with our goal mouth,” noted 24-Piece Men GM and owner Chris Vitiello, who swapped Cory Schneider to the Condiments for Pekka Rinne. “I am quite regretful of all the serial killers that the trade has incited; that was certainly not our intention.”
“It is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like it,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was assigned to the cases. “The trade just set off some bad chemicals in the minds of certain unstable individuals and we’ve seen a wave of murders, mostly in the hills and behind the cold storage facility. We hope that we are closing in on the perpetrators.”
Commissioner Pondicherry has yet to release a statement.
HOOVER ISLAND UPDATE
The expansion Hoover Island Stamps have sold out all of their home contests thus far and are enjoying their inaugural season in the Pondicherry Association despite languishing miserably in last place.
“The play of the club has been appalling,” said monarch and club owner Aaron Tucker. “But the primarily nude people of our island have supported the club with their usual zeal and it has quickly become a tradition to root for this distressingly poor club and its eerie, shocking, petrifying lack of ability.”
Tucker smiled widely while crying for nearly a minute before finally excusing himself from the room.
THE HAUNTED PEN
A haunted hog pen was discovered last night on a nearby farm.
“We do not yet understand the ramifications of this,” noted commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr., who was interviewed while staring at an exercise machine in his living room. “It has been confirmed haunted and no one is daring to approach it. That’s what we know now. I cannot discuss the ramifications of this on the league because we are still processing all the available information.”
The pen in question is a muddy, weedy enclosure on the side of a hill. The owner is currently unknown.
I Don’t Know What the Fuck is Going On at these God Damn Fire Stations Anymore
By Fingers Rolly
Man on the Street
File photo
Christ as my god damn witness, I don’t know what the fuck is going on at these god damn fire stations anymore. Used to be, you had a brick building that’d sit between some other brick buildings. They had a fucking flag hanging out front, some windows, and a little dog that was always an asshole.
Now they’ve got these motherfucking centers. Huge bitches that sit off on their own in front of a bunch of shitbox houses. They look like god damn shopping malls. And you think they ever bring the engines out on Saturdays for a hose-down? Fuck no. You don’t ever see one of those freeloading fucks. I mean never.
And that’s what our taxes go to.
The Pondicherry Association News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned an article on hockey jerseys.
Vitiello Whips, Releases Several Players
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello whipped and then released several players following Pondicherry League action last night. The players have not yet been named.
“He came right into the locker room with an incredible sense of purpose and resolve on his face,” noted forward Sidney Crosby, who is not believed to be one of the players cut loose. “He went over to [name withheld] and whipped him mercilessly, then handed him a pink slip. Following that, some guys took this giant industrial vacuum cleaner and sucked everything out of [his] locker. Didn’t even give him a chance to claim any personal items. It was terrible.”
Crosby stated that the same series of events happened to two further players.
“It happened three times total. Then Mr. Vitiello left the [locker] room and the guys with the big giant vacuum cleaner followed.”
“They even sucked up the [player’s] street clothes,” Crosby added. “They had nothing to wear.”
The 24-Piece Men remain mired in 8th place in the 9-team league.
“We haven’t been playing well,” said forward Patrick Sharp, who also witnessed the event. “But there’s no call for coming into a locker room, whipping people and then sucking up all their personal effects with a humungous vacuum cleaner that allows nothing, nothing at all to remain. It was a sort of vacuum holocaust, if you will.”
The 24-Piece Men are expected to release a statement today.
Grump with Gump: A Letters Column
By Gump Tibbs
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Pondicherry Association News is pleased to present a new letters column “Grump with Gump”. Send missives to: Area 14 (Desert), Outer Lankville, 1271.
Dear Gump,
Motherfuck this brown bitch of a desert, the wide asshole.
Fingers Rolly, Outer Lankville
Dear Fingers,
You need to relax. The desert can be a place of great beauty, what with all those weeds and cacti. Embrace it. It’s also a great place to dispose of firearms.
Gump
————————————————————————–
Dear Gump,
I like the new Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena but find that there is poor air circulation in the upper deck. It wasn’t covered much in the press, but several people have suffocated. Others wander for long periods before returning home. What can be done?
Pete Fountains, Eastern Lankville
Dear Pete,
My advice is to forget about your troubles. Put on a nice suit, waltz on out to some nightclub, maybe buy a few guns. There are no ills that cannot be cured by pampering yourself a bit.
Gump
—————————————————————————
Dear Gump,
I am living in a constant state of pure fear and anxiety that is utterly crushing my soul. I have nothing left to offer anyone and everyone ignores me. Even my previously vigorous onanistic sessions are now devoid of joy. What can be done?
Buddy Dannon, Beach Area
Mr. Tibbs forgot to answer Mr. Dannon’s letter.
Bearded Trickster Pays Strange Visit to Royer
By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
File photo
A bearded trickster today visited incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer) in the dining hall of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
“He was initially a most buoyant specimen,” noted The Great President of Hell, who was visibly shaken by the strange visit. “He came hurdling through an open window wearing an unusual but pleasant outfit. He then began performing a series of wonderful illusions whilst all the while maintaining a warm and engaging smile. Upon the conclusion of the initial part of his visit, he emitted a hearty, gleeful laugh that left all of us in joyful spirits.”
According to witnesses, the tenor of the trickster’s visit suddenly took a dramatic turn for the worse.
“His face went from a look of unconditional grandfatherly love to one of ungodly malevolence– a type of beastly madness unlike anything I have ever viewed,” noted The Great President of Hell.
Witnesses claim that the trickster destroyed the dining hall within minutes.
“The level of violence was uncanny,” stated Warden Jenness, who managed to escape the carnage. “It was the end. I’ll always know now what the end is.”
The trickster disappeared shortly thereafter.
“He did leave candy in sacks before all of our cells,” noted The Great President of Hell. “But that only slightly eases the pain for many of us though I know it pacified me to a very large extent.”
Police are currently searching for the bearded trickster.
Vitiello Crosses Street to Feed Neighbor’s Cat
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello crossed the street this morning to feed his neighbor’s cat. The executive was wearing a thermal one-piece jumper.
“I see that some clod gave you access to our gated community,” said Vitiello, when approached. “I will visit him later.”
Vitiello allowed this reporter to briefly interview him once the cat had been fed.
CV: Nothing wrong with a brisk winter walk in a jumper.
BB: Not at all. Tell us about the cat.
CV: It’s a cat. It needs to be fed. What more is there to extract from that scenario?
BB: Are you…
CV(interrupting): Let’s go ahead and just dispense with the formalities, Mr. Belvedere.
Vitiello began whipping Mr. Belvedere mercilessly and the interview was ended prematurely.
Woman in a Man’s Game
By Robin Brox
File photo
I was sitting up in the owner’s box last night at Uncolored Condiment Centre, watching my squad of listless bozo’s fall all over the puck, when I suddenly grew terribly bored. I turned to our CFO, a fat, greying man from the Islands and said, “You ever diddle your wife in one of those giant cushy chairs that hangs from the ceiling?”
He grew terribly embarrassed and clutched his clipboard to his chest. He shook his red face left and right and nervously sipped from a nearby soda. I knocked it out of his fat hand.
“You know what I’m talking about, you god damn goober? One of those giant fuckers made out of bamboo or some shit, installed into a rotating hook in the ceiling? You rally up enough pelvic torque and you can send your old fat barnyard wife there into a mind and body heaven where she’ll ooze and quake…”
He interrupted me.
“Ms. Brox, I…I do wish…” He had a terrible stutter that annoyed me. Plus, he could be a little haughty.
“I’ll grant it’s a little hard to find those giant hanging bamboo chairs these days,” I said, looking back at the spiritless hockey being played before me. “You wanna make sure you cushion them up though. Whatever you find from the factory is not gonna’ have enough cushions. Might as well buy extras too, cause there’s gonna be all kinds of mess…”
“Ms. Brox. I…I need to go back to the…office.” He rose quickly.
I cracked open the laptop. There were about 15 screens of good porn up– I closed about half of them. Then I did a quick search. I found a company in Western Lankville that produced pretty sizable hanging chairs– I could tell there was enough width in the seat to accommodate the stutterer and ol’ barnyard.
I had one ordered and ready to ship before the start of the third period.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Water Lillies
By The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer)
File photo
I had been sitting around the overheated, unfinished attic all morning before it finally hit me.
“Fuck it,” I said aloud. “I’ll go sit down by the water lillies.”
So, I packed up a jar of pickles, a baking sheet, some sticker albums and a transistor radio and headed down there in the loud, ancient pickup. The dust swirled all around me and the corn swayed listlessly in the heat. I passed only a strange, ragged hitchhiker near a crossroads and a cornfed woman, pitching dung into a rusty roadside barrel. I slammed on the brakes.
“I’m going to sit by the water lillies,” I announced.
She pulled off her straw hat. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. You better god damn believe it.” I tried to sound assured of my place in the world but inwardly I was crumbling.
She got in. We drove in silence.
We had to walk across a hilly field. “Where are the lillies? she asked.
I started sobbing. I could see it coming.
It was a vast, grey miasma, somehow ghoulish in appearance and it had enveloped the ridge beyond and was lurking slowly and eerily towards us. I screamed and dropped the burden but then reached down and saved the sticker books. I pushed the girl over into a basin and started running.
Hours later, I was safe inside a trailer. The interior was paneled in pleasing ersatz wood tones and the furniture was upholstered in a delightful gingham pattern. The glow of the overhead light was warm and safe. I removed the crumpled sticker books from my bag.
“You gonna work on those?” asked the drunken hayseed that had given me refuge.
“Yes. I want to so bad.”
“Well…I’ve got some TV trays. That might work.”
“Please. It’s so…I want them.”
The hayseed seemed to understand. He stumbled towards a closet and emerged with a battered TV tray. He unfolded the legs and crushed them into the carpet before me.
I set up the books.
“Gonna’ be a hell of a ride,” he said, still looking over me.
I nodded. Then I removed a sticker from a virgin sheet and turned to the first page.
Pucking Around: Brock Belvedere’s Notebook
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
JUMBO TRADE COMPLETED
A monstrous, jumbo trade was completed yesterday between the Hoover Island Stamps and the 24-Piece Men. Forward Rick Nash and blueliner Niklas Kronwall were sent to the 24-Piecers with forward Bobby Ryan and blueliner Ryan Suter going to the Stamps. The transaction was approved by Commissioner Pondicherry late last night and marked the second deal brokered by the Stamps in the past 24 hours.
“I was not entirely pleased with the necessary balance of both fervor and pathos on this club,” noted GM and island monarch Aaron Tucker, who was interviewed outside of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena yesterday. “The people of Hoover Island watch sports not so much to watch “winning” but to enjoy the spectrum of human feelings and emotions that the players evoke. Also, it came to our attention that [Bobby] Ryan is really into nudity. Loves it. So he fits in well with our primarily nude island nation.”
Tucker suddenly fell into some trash and vomit and the interview was ended prematurely.
24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello was unavailable for comment.
GREAT PRESIDENT OF HELL BRIEFLY PERFORMS
Terrifying Bat GM “The Great President of Hell” (formerly Ric Royer) performed briefly at a “talent contest” last night near the town of La Hardy.
“He had a large cake and he brought the cake to a little table and then he talked a lot about the cake,” said a spectator, who refused to be identified. “He pointed out certain attributes of the cake that many of us had failed to notice and he broke down some barriers and allowed us to see something new, even if it was for an extremely short time.”
The performance completed, the Great President of Hell left the cake on the table. After a long period of silence, the spectators descended upon the cake all at once and 11 were killed in the ensuing melee.
CATCHING UP WITH FICK
Darkness GM “Fick” consented to be interviewed yesterday from his gloomy mansion on the Lankville Moors.
BB: Are we to believe that you have removed yourself from the day-to-day activities of Darkness?
F: More or less. I walk to the mountain over there every day. [Fick pointed in a direction in which no mountain was seen to exist].
BB: I see that you signed…
F: I don’t know these players. You can mention a name but it will mean nothing to me. So why do it?
BB: Someone has entered the room.
F: That’s the halfwit. The loud halfwit. Things will now rapidly deteriorate.
[The interview was ended].
OPINION: Mural at Vitiello Arena is Point of Entry to Earth
By “An Arrival”
Special Correspondent
File photo
A few weeks ago, a local artist was hired to paint a mural on an exterior wall of Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena. He chose to paint a bunch of random hot women. Little did he know that he was painting “the muses” and that this very mural would became my point of entry to earth.
My mission here was to inspire men to choreograph great dance scenes and to sing in choruses. Unfortunately, I violated the terms of my mission by sleeping with a bunch of them. Actually, just about all of them. I didn’t really do any inspiring either. Unless your definition of inspiring is getting out of bed at 2PM, roller-skating by the ocean in tight shorts and then engaging in a lot of wild waterbed sex.
Imagine my surprise then, when I was finally recalled to the timeless realm of the Gods. I stood before my Father and, of course, he knew all about it. “You have fallen in love with all these mortals,” he said. “Nah, I didn’t love any of them,” I admitted. “We were just having a good time, you know?” He was mystified. “You better have that mural painted over or I’ll probably keep going back there,” I offered. “This one guy, he wants to put me in some films he’s making.”
My Father thought about it for awhile.
“It will have to be done,” he said.
And I guess he somehow worked it out with this Vitiello fellow because I can’t get through the portal at all anymore.
It was fun while it lasted.
Giant Land Kraken Devours Reporter Sheets
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A giant land kraken has devoured Pondicherry Association News reporter Enceladus Sheets. The journalist was 54.
“It was horrible,” said witness Pete Purvis of Eastern Lankville. “It was an atrocious squid-like creature, extraordinarily mobile and it appeared suddenly from the depths of some mad hell that no sane creator could even begin to conjure. It devoured Enceladus instantly.”
“I’m terribly sorry to hear of the loss of this bus, it’s a great tragedy,” said Oversions owner John Barlow, who was yachting. “It was carpeted. It had depressions in the arms for soft drinks. It was first class all the way.”
When informed that it was a journalist that perished and not a bus, Barlow commented, “There are different viewpoints to be hashed out. We will see who wins in the end.”
Sheets was a Senior Staff Writer for the News and had covered Lankville hockey since 1982.
“I had some good light lunches with Enceladus,” said fellow reporter Marles Cundiff. “We always assumed that our demise would come from getting shot. Never did we think of a land kraken.”
“He was a good man though he had a lot of very dark, evil secrets,” said Sheets’ wife Lucy, who was judged to have below average tits and an unflattering ass. “Sometimes, when I sat across the table from Enceladus, I thought that I was looking right into the orifice of utter madness.”
A small service for Sheets was planned, moved to a different date and then forgotten.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: Death in My Walls (Part II)
By The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer)
File photo
Panic began to set in.
“Yep, yup, did I say yep, yep?” I said aloud to no one at all. “Key Lime Pie? FINE morning?” I choked and then my mind became confused, muddled. I thought briefly of pecan waffles but had no idea where they were, how to make them. The smell of death was overwhelming.
I walked into the garage. The smell of death instantly followed. The room was dark, filled with ominous objects. There were large tubs along one wall. I could not recall why they were there.
“Are…yup…are they here? Pecan waffles?”
Sweat dripped into my eyes. I swallowed hard.
“Time to make…to make things happen…YUP….YEP.” I realized that I was suddenly screaming. I had lost all track of time.
It was then that the doorbell rang. After what seemed an interminable period, it rang again. I heard a phone somewhere. “Butta and eggs. Grits. Yep. Yep.” Hysteria washed over me. Plus, I was starving.
I became dimly aware of a voice calling out. They were calling for me. “GREAT PRESIDENT OF HELL? GREAT PRESIDENT OF HELL?” There was the noise of carried tools sliding around in a metal box. “EXTERMINATOR,” came the voice again.
I grabbed a nearby hammer.
“Yup, yup,” I whispered. A shadow appeared in the door. “It all starts with attitude, not to settle for less.” My voice was thin, spiked with fear.
The figure appeared in the garage doorway. I believed it to be death.
I swung the hammer.
Royer Experimenting with Controlled Environments
By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Terrifying Bat GM The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer) is experimenting with controlled environments in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, according to witnesses.
“The Great President of Hell requested and was granted an adjacent cell,” noted Warden Jenness, who was still overseeing the placement of decorative hams in his office, an installation that has now taken over three months. “His current living space is, according to his experiments, meant to represent the controlled environment of heaven or paradise and the adjacent cell is meant to be a cursed place, a sort of Hell.”
The Great President of Hell released the following statement:
“A controlled environment provides the perfect opportunity to determine and change conditions at specific points in time during an experiment, for example by exposing the walls and furnishings to fire, by burying vile objects in the floor and by allowing evil spirits free roaming access. During decisive growth and development periods, e.g. during the flowering of evil, we can monitor the situation closely by preventing the villainous new obscenity from escaping and tackling nearby residents. It must remain celled and quarantined. In this way, tents may be safely placed on a field plot or may be substituted with closely defined conditions inside the hell growth chamber.
We are also creating a nurturing, heaven-like environment in our current environs by continuing to add to the collection of illuminated snow villages and by allowing the further propagation of colorful balloons.”
“We believe in allowing our wards the opportunity to perform important research,” noted Jenness. “The Great President of Hell has taken a keen interest in these subjects. We will allow it to continue.”
The Great President of Hell is expected to release an abstract in the coming weeks.
Wild Kangaroo Interrupts Pizzas’ Morning Skate
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
A wild kangaroo interrupted the Small Pizzas’ morning skate, sources are reporting.
“I first spotted it way up near the exits,” said forward Claude Giroux, who was closest to the wayward marsupial. “It was staring right at me, just daring me to say something. When I looked next, it was hopping down the ramp and then right out onto the ice. The look on its face was chilling.”
“It was challenging us, all of us, all of humanity,” Giroux added.
“There was nothing that could be done,” noted a Small Pizzas executive, who refused to be identified. “Security came along but the kangaroo very calmly threw them into the boards. The guards then attempted to utilize a taser but it had absolutely no effect. The [kangaroo] just went right back to its infernal steely-eyed staring.”
“You could tell it had ice water in its veins,” said blueliner Michael Del Zotto. “It was not going anywhere.”
Practice was ended early and the kangaroo was still occupying the ice at press time.
The Small Pizzas are scheduled to host Darkness tonight at 7PM.
You Buy a Hose and it Comes Packaged in Cardboard and Wire Ties and I Guarantee You’re Not Getting That Fucker Out of There
By Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
You go to a place like that Home Dump place and you buy a hose and it comes packaged in that fucking shitbird heavy cardboard with those pieces of wire all around it and I guarantee that you’re not getting that fucking hose out of there. I guarantee it.
You can bring out the big guns– those heavy old scissors used to cut tin or maybe some pliers, a hammer, the whole fucking toolbox. You go at that motherlovin’ packaging like a wild dog but you’re not getting that fucking hose out of there. Can’t even move those fucking wire ties.
You can take it up to your attic and throw it down three stories and that god damn cardboard coffin still ain’t coming loose. You give up hope. You spend the night in your fucking car just looking at that thing lying there in the yard, mocking you. You can scream at it over and over but you ain’t getting that hose out of there.
I guarantee it.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding story. Mr. Rolly was assigned an article on funny baby names.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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LETTER SACK