Archive
News in Brief
By Kimball J. Cranney
VITIELLO RELEASES FALL DECORATIVE HAM LINE
Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello released his “fall line” yesterday in a short ceremony at a local auditorium.
“I despise hyperbole,” Vitiello noted. “Nevertheless, these are the best decorative hams I have ever made. They are too good for most Lankvillians. Our approval process for installation will be extra stringent this season. Darkness is a circle, a continuum.”
A journalist attempted to clarify the mogul’s final assertion but was whipped mercilessly.
No further questions were asked.
CEMETERY CLEAN-UP TO CONTINUE
Cemetery clean-up scheduled.
The Preferable Homes Demonstration Cohort, sponsors of a nationwide movement to clean up cemeteries, have designated another work day for the project.
The date has been set for September 13th and will focus on the O’ Daughter Flock Companion Cemetery of the Eastern Trailer Area and The King’s Crannies Cliff Park of the Far Northern Mountain Area. Both cemeteries are in shocking disrepair.
“We’ll be doing some normal maintenance like weed and trash removal,” said Preferable Homes Demonstration Cohort member Amy Herse-Collins. “But both cemeteries have also had a long-standing problem with people dumping bodies and heads. There are hundreds of bodies and heads in the cemetery. Also, a lot of dead animals. Also, a lot of bags of parts, mixed parts, human and animal. And old cars. Lot of old cars in there too. Old boats as well,” Herse-Collins added.
All who are interested in the movement are invited to attend. A light lunch will be served.
HE-SHE DISAPPEARS
A he-she has disappeared, sources are reporting.
“The he-she was seen by the side of the road Wednesday around 5 P.M.,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “The he-she has not been seen since. We’re not ruling out foul play.”
Motorists report that the he-she regularly stood by the road and waved at rush hour traffic.
“I think he or she was simple, maybe sort of a halfwit,” said Keith Pringles of the High Dell Area. “We’d see [the he-she] pretty regularly.”
“Oftentimes, the he-she would hold up an extremely ordinary object like, say, a plastic shopping bag as if it had some sort of grave significance for all of mankind,” added Pringles.
A limited access phone line has been set up at HIGH DELL 3-4991 for anyone with information.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It had been months of driving back and forth from the Murray to the Towels by the Pound joint. Months of collapsing into bed with a skull-cracking headache, months of nausea, months of thinking about that straight razor on the sink edge.
Then, suddenly, I felt pretty good. Felt like eating, maybe taking a walk in the sun.
I went downstairs.
Tibbs was there. He was in the process of dumping an entire container of bleach on the front counter. There was strange electronic music issuing from the speakers in the ceiling.
“MR. OAKES, WHY, WHY, IT’S A FINE DAY, ISN’T IT? HAHAHAHAHAHA. ARE YOU HAVING BREAKFAST WITH US TODAY?”
The bleach was dripping off the counter and onto the carpet. Who knew what the hell to make of it?
“Listen Tibbs, I was thinking of maybe taking a little walk somewheres. Maybe getting something rich and sweet to eat. I’m sick to Christ of those saltines you’ve been leaving by the door.”
“INDEED, MR. OAKES! HAHAHAHAHA”. Tibbs started trying to collect the bleach in a bucket with a large squeegee. There was no merit to it.
“DO YOU KNOW OF THE KRAZY KOLOR KANDY KORN HOUSE, MR. OAKES? WHY IT IS A DELIGHT! JUST A MAGNIFICIENT WHIMSICAL DELIGHT FOR ALL THE SENSES, MR. OAKES!”
“Sounds alright. I mean, the kandy korn. I could skip the whimsical delight for all the senses,” I said.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
The laugh got crazier as it progressed. I figured on trying to cut it off.
“Say, Tibbs, where’s this Krazy Kolor Kandy Korn house at?”
He was trying to wind it down– it was almost as if he couldn’t. The bleach was running down the counter in long, thin lines. A phone was ringing somewhere.
“OH, MR. OAKES, MR. OAKES. YOU ARE SUCH A DELIGHT. MY FAVORITE GUEST IF I MAY SO, NOW THAT MRS. STOCKSDALE HAS DIED.”
Don’t ask about that Oakes. Don’t touch that one with a ten-foot pole.
“ANYWAY, MR. OAKES, YES– THE KRAZY KOLOR KANDY KORN HOUSE IS ON HALSTEAD STREET. WHY, IT’S JUST A QUICK FIVE-MINUTE STROLL. WHAT AN UNSURPASSED DELIGHT!”
I got the hell out of there.
The day was warm but comfortable. I passed a couple of gun shops, a hardware store with a guy standing outside wearing a sandwich board sign, a couple of half-empty pool halls. I came to Halstead but didn’t know which way to turn. At first I went left and it was just a bunch of sprawling houses ending at some kind of strip mall. I doubled back and came to a public park.
There was no missing it– the place was decorated in jagged colored shapes and sat off in a dirt lot under a tree. Strange streams of smoke, accompanied by occasional bursts of fire, emerged from the chimney on top. The whole place reeked of candy corn.
I walked over. A girl came to the window. A brunette with huge eyes and a sweet face.
“What’s the options?” I asked. I didn’t see a sign anywhere.
“We have Krazy Kolor Kandy Korn in three sizes. We also have sno-cones.”
“Is the Krazy Kolor Kandy Korn pretty sweet? Melt in your mouth?” Cool it down Oakes, careful here.
“It does melt in your mouth,” she shot back. “Every time. That’s Sammy’s guarantee.”
“Who’s Sammy? Husband?”
She laughed. “No, my God no. He’s…well…I just work here.”
“Well, gimme’ the large size.” I started fishing around in my wallet.
She disappeared and there was a weird sound from the back. Then the window opened again and she pushed a bucket the size of a car tire towards me.
“Jesus Christ. I’ll need a god damn dolly to cart this thing around.”
“I could help you with it. I’m on my break.” She smiled. God damn Oakes. God damn.
A kid with acne and a paper hat appeared at the window. “This guy bothering you?” he asked.
“Shut up, Skip,” she said.
I found a bench nearby and started watching some guys out in a field throw a ball around. The ball was some lightweight plastic affair and eventually it got stuck in a bush. They gave up on it and walked away. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
The girl came over with a smaller bucket. We both tried to dump some of the candy corn in there but a lot of it didn’t take. Ended up in her lap.
She stood up and shook it off.
God damn Oakes. God damn.
“I think I’m pretty glad that I came to get this candy corn,” I said.
“This place used to be a hot dog stand,” she said. My God, she’s cute Oakes. “I came here once with my father. We expected some hot dogs, a few laughs, maybe some buns. But it turned into a nightmare.”
I let her go on.
“I don’t care to talk about it. But I’m here…I’m facing my fear.”
“Good for you. Christ, this is good candy corn.”
“Oh, yes. Sammy makes good candy corn. He really does. He has many business ventures.”
It hit me. “Little fat guy, built like a brick shithouse?”
“Yes, that’s him exactly. Yes.”
“Yeah, hell. I know him.”
She didn’t say nothing on that. I could hear her crunching on that candy corn.
Twenty minutes passed.
“I have to get back to the Krazy Kolor Kandy Korn House. Maybe I’ll see you again?”
“Maybe.”
I watched her walk across the dirt lot.
Gelsinger to Buy Famed “Allure Club”
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION BUSINESS NEWS YES!
Notable Lankville businessman Eric Gelsinger announced today that he will be purchasing the famed “Allure Club” which caters to “adult entertainments”.
The club, which opened in 1955, was the home for many years of the popular burlesque performers “Lady Linda” and “Jingly Teri”. Several hundred small motel girl wrestling matches were held at the Allure during the Motel Strike of 1975.
“That pushed the value up for me,” noted Gelsinger, who was placing a large protective cone over the shaft of a backyard birdfeeder. “I love adult dancing and small motel girl wrestling. It’s a place of great historical value.”
Gelsinger suddenly dropped and then accidentally tread on the protective cone, crushing it nearly in half. A series of squirrels appeared shortly thereafter and devoured the feeder’s supply of seed.
“Do you see the fucking shit I put up with?” the former stockbroker was heard to ask in consternation.
The Allure Club.
The Allure Club recently found itself in the middle of a long legal battle causing former owner Wilt Cummings to put the business up for sale.
“We had a number of do-gooder types who wanted us out of the neighborhood just cause of the tits and the shootings and all,” noted Cummings, who had owned the Allure since 1969. “I think Mr. Gelsingles [sic] will get a kick out of owning the place. I know I did.”
Cummings began leering at a gaudy pamphlet and the interview was ended prematurely.
“I don’t know who the hell [Wilt Cummings] is,” said Gelsinger, when asked about the sale. “But I looked at a photo of him on the internet and I thought, this is a sincere looking guy. I appreciate sincerity.”
The final sale price of The Allure Club is unknown.
“Once you own four gentlemen’s clubs, you might as well pick up a fifth,” Gelsinger explained. “Four of something is better than five unless, of course, we’re talking about backyard common squirrels.” The magnate gave out a wide-eyed laugh.
The final paperwork on the sale is expected to be completed today.
Scott Answers Your Pizza Questions
By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round
Scott is the manager of the Pizza A’Round.
How can I make a quality pizza at home?
Dr. Nickelbee
Deep Northern Suburbs
Dear Doc,
Listen, as a pizza professional, I sure as shit don’t recommend that. No matter what kind of oven you got at home, it just ain’t going to match the stainless steel motherfucker we got at the Round. Plus, the stuff you buy from the grocery store is garbage, man– second rate. Hell, third rate. I’d get that idea out of your head, Doc.
SCOTT
Where did pizza originate?
Carlton Zupo
Lankville Standard Sand Beach
Dear Carlton,
Good question. The history of pizza is very interesting. The word “pizza” shares its origins with the word “pita” and as we all know, the pita comes from Great Puddly Island. It’s about the only thing that place has produced worth a shit. I had a couple of Puddly Islanders working at the Round back in the day– man, those two wouldn’t have been able to find their own asses if they had sleigh bells tied to them. Anyway, in the late eighteenth century, the word “pizza” was a kind of pie, cooked in olive oil by the Puddly’s in a primitive brick or stone oven. It’s unclear exactly when the pizza migrated over to Lankville but it was probably something around 1900. That’s when you started to see little carts and kiosks pop up and then, ultimately, shops like the Round.
Now, I didn’t know any of this shit– my boy Bri researched your question on his Mom’s computer. You should see this thing man– it’s tan and has this screen that’s one of those huge alien head motherfuckers. Thing weighs like fifty pounds. It’s hysterical.
SCOTT
Is pizza bad for your health?
Leonard Kings
Snowy Lake Region
Dear Leonard,
Let me ask you something. You plan on living to be 100 and shit? You want to be one of those sad motherfuckers sitting in a bed in some nursing home? You want it to take twenty minutes for you to walk ten steps?
Life’s about taking risks, man. And there ain’t no more enjoyable risk than eating pizza. So, get up out of your baby crib, man. Grab life (and pizza) by the balls.
SCOTT
Scott will continue to answer your pizza questions in further issues.
Summer Thunder by Jill Candles
By Jill Candles
A romance series exclusive to the Lankville Daily News.
Ivan was my first love. He had strange, tremendous tufts of blonde hair and a glove compartment filled with napkins. You would have never thought it possible to shove so many napkins into a glove compartment.
We drove down to the paper factory. “It’s burned to the ground,” he said. “There’s nothing to see, really.” He opened the glove compartment, removed a single napkin and tossed it out the window. “Hand me those tapes,” he said. They were neatly arranged in a brown leather case. The music was screechy and atonal– he had terrible taste in music, one of his few faults.
I heard the summer thunder off in the distance.
We walked among the charred remains. A train went by and disappeared into a tunnel. “You know what that means?” he asked. At the time, I didn’t. Later, after that summer, that summer of the summer thunder, I would understand.
He let it go and walked over to the car and took out another napkin before I could respond. He folded it carefully and threw it up in the air. It landed at his feet. “Gravity, that shit!” he exclaimed.
We rented a hotel room that night under the name “Mr. and Mrs. Karl Koupons”. Paid cash. It was a double bed with a yellow comforter and a large painting of a dog above an old television set. “Why don’t you see what’s on?” he said. “I’m going back to the car”. I knew it was to get another damn napkin. It never ended.
When he opened the door, I heard the crash of the summer thunder.
The set sputtered and then flashed on. A series of spaceship rockets were being launched into a bay. You could hear a voice over a radio– “The spaceship rockets just fell into the bay. Mission aborted.” Then, the show ended. There was a long pause and then a commercial came on for soap flakes.
I removed my skirt and unbuttoned my shirt. Ivan came back in with his head down. He looked terribly guilty of something.
“What? What is it?”
“Nothing,” he said. “Nothing. Just, those napkins make me so nervous”.
I kissed him. He ran his tongue along my front teeth. The sensation was odd.
“I…I’m sorry, I’ll be…just a minute.” He left. It was those napkins again.
I slept alone. Listening. Listening to the summer thunder.
Cuisine Scribe Schropp Wins Singing Contest
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Daily News cuisine writer and Pizza A’Round employee Brian Schropp has won a Deep Northern Suburbs singing contest, sources are confirming.
Brian Schropp was the winner.
“Contestants had to submit a sample video of their singing,” said contest moderator Jennie Departments. “The panel felt that [Brian’s] song was the best. We will be presenting him with his $100 gift certificate for a Vitiello Decorative Ham in the next few days.”
The panel later noted that of the sixteen submissions received, Schropp’s was the only video which was not completely lewd.
“Still, we feeled [sic] that the video showed great promise,” Departments averred.
“I was trying to express in song the workings of my advanced taste palette,” noted Schropp, who was interviewed during a short break from his shift at the Pizza A’Round. “Fortunately, the phone manager at the Round, Stephanie, was able to bring her camcorder and edit the video. I think it came out really nice.”
Schropp was asked if Stephanie was a possible love interest to which the writer and singer became visibly red-faced and embarrassed and eventually collapsed into a bush.
When Schropp was revived, he commented, “I’m sorry about that Lloyd. I…” Schropp began to giggle sheepishly and the interview was ended prematurely.
The winning video may be seen here:
I Want to Tell You SO MUCH About How My New Boyfriend and I Formed a Band!
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OH MY GOD, I want to tell you SO MUCH about how my new boyfriend and I formed a band!
I AM SO EXCITED! It was around dusk yesterday and my new boyfriend was putting on his toque (even though it’s 95 degrees out) and getting ready to head down to the edge of the woods. “Do you have a lot of ideas flowing?” I asked.
He sat down on the bed.
“You know, Ash, not really. I mean, the boys are kind of disappointing me and all. We haven’t had any good ideas in, like, an epoch.”
“What do you think the problem is?”
He thought about it awhile. OH MY GOD, he looks SO CUTE when he’s pensive. We are SO in love.
“I think I need to hear some new ideas, Ash, you know, like, from somebody totally different than the guys by the edge of the woods.”
“Well…I have some ideas. I have, like, a keyboard in the basement.” OH MY GOD, I was SO nervous.
He smiled at me. His smile is AMAZING. I started to kind of shake a little and I ended up spilling one of those huge plastic barrels of pretzels all over the bed. I started sweeping it up.
“Leave it, Ash. Mrs. Love will clean it up.” (Mrs. Love is our island maid). “Let’s go down to the basement.”
Anyway, my new boyfriend got out his guitar and I got on the keyboard and RIGHT AWAY we started making really AMAZING music. I almost DIED. Seriously.
“Wow, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. “That last cut was like…I don’t know…like the music our hearts would make when they’re, like, smooshed together.”
“I know!” I said. I almost DIED. Seriously.
Anyway, we played for like two hours until Dad came home from the mortuary and asked us to be quiet.
Later, we were standing out by my new boyfriend’s Mom’s station wagon. And he gave me the most beautiful kiss. I had never wanted his lips more.
“Maybe we should call the band “The Kiss”, Ash,” he suggested.
“AWWW,” I said. “That is so…”
But I never finished. He kissed me again and it COMPLETELY took away my breath.
WE ARE SO IN LOVE.
Summer Thunder by Jill Candles
By Jill Candles
A romance series exclusive to the Lankville Daily News.
I guess it was Bret who first took me to the Wild Life Room.
“You’ll like it,” he said. “It’s red.” We drove down in his Neptune with the top down.
“I’m going to park around back,” he said. “Because I want…well…I want to kiss you.”
I heard the summer thunder. But it was distant, faraway. It didn’t feel part of this.
He kissed me. I didn’t move my mouth at all. He just crushed his lips into mine. I felt as though I could no longer feel.
“Let’s get some steaks,” he said.
It was a gay room, full of dancers. A band played upbeat trumpet music. Waiters dodged between the tables– they were dressed in white tuxedos.
“Pretty upscale, huh?” Bret said.
I heard it again. The summer thunder. It was louder this time.
“I’m going to the men’s trough,” Bret said. “I may be awhile.” He went off.
“I want you inside of me,” I whispered. The summer thunder crashed down upon us.
A waiter came to the table. Later, I would know him as Erik. Or maybe I already knew that. Our eyes locked instantly.
“What will you have, miss?” He puckered his lips quickly, sensuously.
“I…I want…something new, something different.”
“We have that new alternative to soda everyone is raving about. Lithium citrate 7. It helps to…stabilize the mood. Or…perhaps you don’t want your mood stabilized, miss. Perhaps you want it to fly freely into the sky.”
The summer thunder was right above our heads this time.
I went away with Erik. The empty beach at midnight. He built a fire and produced a ragged book called Great Rhyming Love Poems of Lankville.
“It is worn,” I said.
“Yes, I’ve read it many times,” he said. “Poetry is just wonderful, don’t you think. It’s intoxicating.”
I heard the summer thunder.
He read me several poems in his deep, sonorous voice.
“I want you inside of me,” I whispered. The summer thunder crashed down upon us.
“Let me just finish reading a couple more poems first,” he said. As he read, he removed his jeans shorts.
And when he was done, the summer thunder crashed its loudest.
The night disappeared around us.
OPINION: I’ve Been Hit With a Chair Before, I’ll Be Hit With a Chair Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Hey, this here’s a message for that assclown that hit me with a chair down at The Appliance Tyrant on Route 71. Guess what, shit for brains? I been hit with a chair before and I’ll be hit with a chair again.
Let me tell you what happened. So, I’m parked on the couch with a couple of cold beverages and a take-out container of wings, ready to watch Truckers Driving Over Hills, this reality show I enjoy, when all of a sudden I hear Tammy screaming in the basement. “OH MY GOD, DICK! OH MY GOD, DICK!” over and over again. So, I figure I better check it out. After all, Dick likes to keep the little lady happy.
So, I go downstairs and you know what I see? Whole god damn utility sink is clogged to hell and water is running all over my newly-painted and recently-refinished concrete floor.
“GOD DAMMIT, DICK LA HOYT, THE WASHER’S BROKE!” Tam yells. She’s wet as a dog in the rain and plus, she’s got on a white t-shirt, so that was some bonus points for old Dick. Hey, you gotta’ see the good in every situation, know what I mean?
Anyway, I get the sink unclogged and then go to work on the washer. And don’t you know it– the god damn agitator comes right off. Broke at the base.
“This baby is toast,” I tell Tam, who’s drying off (unfortunately). “I’m gonna’ have to get a new one.”
“I saw that the Washing Machine Realm is having a sale,” Tam offers.
I smiled. Sure, Tam was just trying to help but let me tell you– ol’ Dick knows where to go. And that’s how I ended up at The Appliance Tyrant.
So anyways, I’m taking a look at some of the machines– thinking about maybe going with a front loader this time, maybe something in platinum or onyx, when all of a sudden this horse’s ass butts in front of me and checks out the tag on the VERY washer that I was eyeing up. I couldn’t believe it.
“Hey buddy,” I inform him. “That washer is SPOKEN FOR.”
“Oh yeah? You buy this one?” he asks. “It’s a good one,” he says, and pats the washer a couple of times on the side.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.
“Listen, man. I went and told you the washer was spoken for. Now, you’re patting it on the side like you own it? What gives you the god damn RIGHT?”
He takes a step back for a second but then he comes forward and pats it again. I nearly lost it.
“I’ll pat this machine if I want to, man,” he says.
“Alright, we’re taking this shit OUTSIDE,” I say.
“GLADLY,” he says.
So, anyways, we head out into the parking lot. It’s pretty cracked and weedy and there’s some old furniture out there that I guess they never got around to throwing away. And as I’m staring at an old stool, wondering if maybe I could refinish it and use it at my workbench, the guy brains me with a god damn chair. I never saw it coming.
I wake up in the back room of the Tyrant. A couple of salesman are standing around trying to pitch plastic forks into an empty coffee can. I got a headache the size of the Outlands.
“Your wife’s coming to pick you up,” one of the salesman says.
“She sounded plenty mad,” the other one says.
I’d figure it out. Dick La Hoyt always figures it out.
But I just want that prick to know one thing– I been hit with a chair before and I’ll sure as SHIT be hit with a chair again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was two in the morning when I woke with a start.
I didn’t know what it was. The Murray was quieter than hell. Then, suddenly, I heard it. Some kind of low moan coming from the back parking lot followed by a high-pitched slow squeak.
There was a little bit of the gin left on the nightstand and I finished it off.
Go back to bed Oakes.
But I was up now. I threw on a pair of shorts and went down the back staircase. Tibbs hadn’t even bothered to put a light on. I had to feel my way down four floors.
A dim hallway led to the rear door. I passed the kitchen and the laundry– both had a stillness to them that bothered me but I couldn’t make nothing of it. I reached the door and threw it open.
Tibbs was out there in his white suit, drenched in sweat. His back was to me.
“What do you say there, Tibbs?”
He turned. He was terrified, there was no getting around it. There was some kind of an inflatable beach ball between his legs and a bicycle pump in one of his hands.
“Mr. Oakes,” he said in a voice not his own. He was breathing heavily. “I have, tonight, reached the seventh emanation of the divine hierarchy between Earth and the Godhead.”
I watched the sweat pour off his face and spot the white suit.
Tibbs, Sr.
“Each of the twenty-two letters of the ancient Lankvillian alphabet have their own number and are added together in words to make metaphorical sympathy, you understand, Oakes.” He bent over suddenly and squeezed the beach ball between his knees. That was the high-pitched slow squeak, I realized.
“It’s nearly there now, Oakes. Nearly to the…”
He exhaled a series of increasingly urgent breaths.
“Nearly to the eighth emanation.”
He bent over and used the bicycle pump on the beach ball until it was full. Then, he held it up to the pale moonlight. The pump fell to the ground.
“Here. Here. Take it.”
He stretched the ball towards the sky.
“Take it. Please. Please take it.”
He must have stood like that for five minutes.
Finally, he dropped the ball.
“It’s not to happen tonight.”
He bent to one knee and began sobbing. Then, he stood up and angrily threw the pump over into the next yard.
I slipped back to my room.
Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
Rocky “Fancy Boy” Pheft (1949-1962), 52-25, 33 KO
I grew up on a farm in the Outlands and my old man, he wasn’t no good at farming so we were always starving. Just about all of us died of starvation. The old man, he wasn’t real good at fixing things either, so the house kept falling over. Eventually, we were all living under a tarp in the dead cornfield. “This is the fault of Adam and Eve,” the old man would say. “We was meant to live forever.” Nobody had no idea what the hell he was talking about.
Anyways, I was determined you could say to make a better life for myself. So, after a bunch of us died of starvation one winter, I took off in a buddy’s car and headed for the Lankville Central Urban Area. And when I got there, this one guy, he said, “you got big hands, kid” and he sent me down to Staller’s Gym which was a famous place back then.
I trained under the old Desert Area fighter Buck Sundays. He got my first fight in the Lankville Square Arena in 1949 and I won that and then I won about 7 or 8 fights in a row and I started to make some dough. First thing I did was buy a beautiful silk suit and after that they all started to call me fancy boy. I had hats too, you should have seen them hats. Big giant hats– that was the style then, giant hats. I had boxes of ’em.
Everything was going along well until 1955 and that’s when I faced Emile Bread. That was a Friday night fight on TV and a title fight and right before I got into the ring, a couple of wiseguys stopped me on the way out of the dressing room and told me to throw it. “Go down in the 4th, kid,” they said. “If you don’t, we’ll take all your giant hats.” Well, they had me over a barrel. There was nothing I could do. I fell in the 4th and Bread kept his title. And after that, I felt like everybody knew. I couldn’t get no good fights after that. Just carnivals, carpet store openings, just bush league fights. I couldn’t afford the good suits and the giant hats and they stopped calling me Fancy Boy. Well, I kept on for awhile but in 1962, I was fighting for pennies at some place where they didn’t even have no ring. We just fought in a big cardboard box. You’re done Pheft I said to myself.
So, after that, I got married. Her name was Inez. She was a lovely little thing. She was foreign. We was married 32 years. She was blown away by the wind. God, I miss her.
Theatrical Electronic Music Pouring Out of Local Pink Building
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Theatrical electronic music is pouring out of a Lankville Eastern Urban Area pink building sources are confirming.
The pink building
“It’s very dramatic music,” said Al Cobbs, who operates a nearby auto garage. “Lot of very stirring but ominous synthesizer music punctuated by huge cymbal crashes. Got me thinking about the cosmos, I admit.”
It was unclear precisely where the music was coming from. The building houses a liquor store in the front and two apartments on both the first and second floors.
“I don’t know much about the tenants,” admitted Cobbs, who was utilizing a grease gun to lube a chassis as the vehicle’s owner (an attractive woman) stood by. “I think there’s one guy that has a dog. Maybe not, though.”
Calls placed to the liquor store went unanswered. Robotic flying cameras, launched into the open windows of each of the four apartments, came back with little data.
“I guess it’s a mystery,” noted Cobbs, who began examining the torque on a driveshaft as the vehicle’s owner (an attractive woman) stood by. “At least it’s an electrifying, expressive one.”
Cake in Process of Being Consumed
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A cake is in the process of being consumed, sources are reporting.
“We had a catered lunch,” said Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed CEO Aaron Lowinger of the Lankville Port Area. “And we’re taking this cake and pumping it up like a god damn pyramid is the nature of what’s going on here.”
Lowinger provided no further explanation.
The cake when it was only half-eaten and prior to Totten’s death.
“I would say the cake is almost half-eaten,” said longtime employee Willie Totten who also contributed to the consumption of the sugary loaf. “About twenty minutes ago, there was more of the cake but as time has moved forward, we are now facing a situation where there is less of the cake.”
“That’s generally the linear path that one follows whenever a cake is presented,” Totten added.
The employee suddenly vomited into a strange opaque grayness that appeared. When the weird phantom-like mist became thicker and threatened to overtake Mr. Totten, he ended the interview abruptly and made an attempt to run out the conference room door before disappearing into the expanding shroud, screaming and shrieking for the help that never came.
“It’s terrible about Willie,” Lowinger commented later. “We’re down to about 1/4 of the cake left now.”
The Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed Company has been providing Lankville with quality utility sheds at affordable prices since 1982.
The Lankville Music Beat
By Zachary Keebaugh
Yo, lately I’ve been getting all up in [Lankville Daily News editor] Marles Cundiff’s cranny. I’m all like, Hey Marles– your paper’s coverage of the Lankville music scene is for dog shit, man. And he’s all like well, why don’t you write something then Zach and I’m all like yeah, sure Marles, you bet I will. (That’s exactly how the convo went down). Anyway, so your boy, Zachary (I’m now going by Zachary) is going to be bringing you news of the fat tempos and mad rhythms from all over Lankville right here in a little column I like to call “The Lankville Music Beat”.
So, I took a bus down to the Mild Southern Peninsula Regions to check out this femme psych folk group The Winds Through the Barley. On the way down, I had this dick sitting in back of me who wouldn’t shut the fuck up about some new political movement called Lankville First! that was gaining momentum in the outlands. “It’s all about Lankvillians for a more Lankvillian Lankville,” he kept droning on and on. He tried to give me some little pamphlet that had a picture of a bunch of blow drys standing super erect and holding up some gaudy flags. “Yo, I don’t go in for no creeds,” I told him and that got him to move back a few rows and out of my shit.
I was met at the bus station by Tommy Candiotti, manager of The Winds Through the Barley. He took me to some place nearby that served gluten free vegan cheese-infused mushroom sandwiches– you should have seen these monsters. I was all like, WHOA, LOOK AT THIS FUCKING SHIT. IT’S LIKE THE COLOSSUS OF MUSHROOM SANDWICHES, YO when they arrived. Tommy’s face got all red so I gathered he didn’t cuss much and I kept it chill after that.
He told me all about The Winds Through the Barley. “They were founded in 2005 over at the Peninsula Day Care University and have basically grown up together,” he said. “They just finished their first album and it’s doing real well, as you know. They’ve been on tour but are also coming home a lot because the folks here just love seeing a home grown group.”
“I guess so,” I said. “I mean, the Mild Southern Peninsula Region has been an overflowing toilet for music, yo.”
“Well, it has,” Tommy said, as he viciously tore into the mushroom sandwich. Seriously, he was wolfing that fucker. “We’ve had a few tinkly piano people but that’s about it.”
Magic Lantern is the first offering from The Winds Through the Barley and it features the for real vocals of lead singer Ruby Orsulak-Finley, who also plays the mandolin, the lute, and the Southern Peninsula pump organ. And plus, yo, she’s a looker, man. Zachary gets a little nervous around the lookers, I’ll admit it and I ended up knocking over an entire tray of muffins in the process. Fortunately, my boy Tommy took care of the bill.
“We like the 20-minute long suite,” she said, over a gluten free vegan cheese-infused mushroom sandwich sans mushroom and a big glass of phosphorus-enriched juice that was squeezed from sand or some shit. “And we like an emerging synthesizer which cannot be heard with the human ear until the very end of the suite at which point it suddenly usurps the pump organ and flows lightly into the arrangement like a batch of carbonated bubbles.”
“Is your music relevant?” I probed. I still gotta’ probe, man. Even though this isn’t an investigative report, I still gotta’ probe.
“Of course,” Orsulak-Finley noted. “Our music is for everyone and any music that is for everyone is always and will always be relevant.”
Ruby Orsulak-Finley, Lead Singer of “The Winds Through the Barley”.
I looked down then and noticed that my mushroom has disappeared. It was just gone, yo, like it had never been. It threw me off, I admit it. I looked around the place and the people, who before had appeared to be ordinary folks just eating mushrooms now looked diabolical, like the spawns of some overwhelmingly large and nameless evil.
“We can’t wait for you to see us play,” Orsulak-Finley said. She looked at my plate. What happened to your sandwich? Her voice sounded garbled and distant and then suddenly deep and fiendish. I got real confused for a very long period of time. There was a sort of haze that seemed to cover everything. After that, I remember some sort of windowless vehicle racing towards some vast unknown. Tommy was next to me– he was hole-punching mysterious papers into a binder and each time we hit a bump, he vomited a little. I closed my eyes.
Then, I was in the club. There were a couple of guys on stage that were bouncing an oversized colored child’s ball back and forth. The crowd seemed to really be enjoying it. They tried to leave the stage once, then twice but were called back on for encores. So, they bounced the ball back and forth again. Someone put a can of something in my hand– no label was apparent– it was a plain white can. “DRINK THIS,” they said. I drank.
Then, The Winds Through the Barley came on. All girl group, as advertised. And although I can remember little of the music, I can say that I was transported to some sort of limitless green plain which, at first, appeared to be bereft of man, of structure, of, in fact, anything marking it to be of our world. I walked forward and the horizon moved further away. I turned around and there was no horizon. You must move forward a voice said.
And then I was back in my overheated shitbox of an apartment above the knives and puzzles shop.
A vinyl copy of The Winds Through the Barley’s album was sitting on the floor, propped up against a stack of puzzles that I had yanked out of the dumpster one night.
I looked out the window. A delicate blue light was issuing forth from Paladin Pizza on the corner. I watched as it became stronger and then enveloped me.
Come get a steak sub sandwich said the voice. It was the voice from the chasm. Mushrooms are fungus. Steak sandwiches are delicious it said.
I floated towards it.
Everything that happened after my arrival will be part of an entirely different sort of story. A story that cannot be printed here.
Zachary Keebaugh is currently on sabbatical.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: SOCIAL RESPONSIBILITY
As a multinational organization serving companies all over the world, Samways and Fick, Consultants, somewhat recognizes the role that we can all play in developing and investing in local communities. At Samways and Fick, we can help your business set critical internal policies and goals that are socially responsible.
Why care?
Samways and Fick was recently awarded a “Caring Quality Trophy” from the Lankville Mountain Area Charities Aid Foundation for our commitment to fostering a culture of philanthropy in the workplace and for opening doors for lesser-skilled employees like spastics, idiots and pinheads. Our Social Responsibility Program® encompasses a wide range of activities, from our global heavy chemical neutral policy to semi-pro bono consulting and volunteer support for visible charitable organizations. At Samways and Fick, we can implement a Social Responsibility Program to fit your needs.
Society and its Issues
Watch an excerpt of Dr. Fick talking about society (free):
The most important way Samways and Fick can help your business impact society and make a positive difference is through our consulting expertise and advice. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick are both experts on society. We pass this expertise on to our clients in all types of industry using a technique that we call “Consulting Osmosis®”. Imagine that your business is a sort of long somewhat permeable thin tube full of molasses (or something else really sticky). This tube will begin to swell with knowledge once it comes in contact with Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Before long, it will be close to bursting as the knowledge flows through the semi-permeable membrane and into the tube. The molasses will become less sticky, ideas will begin to flow. A fee will be extracted.
Saving Lives
Our work for governmental and non-governmental organizations can help them enhance the value of facilities associated with education, healthcare, poor people transport and furniture. For example, Samways and Fick For Humanity (SFFH) is our organizational arm dedicated to possibly saving children’s lives in impoverished island communities worldwide. We can help your organization learn how to possibly save children’s lives. Think of how good that will look on your website (maybe in a nice colorful banner along one edge).
Call Samways and Fick, Consultants today. We look forward to helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
Dr. Samways teaching social responsibility.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK