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I Want to Tell You So Much More About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I’ve just got so much more to tell you about my new boyfriend.
Yesterday, we walked down to the poster festival at the big tent. “I gotta’ get new some joint for my wall, Ash,” he said. He thought the stuff he had up there was getting a little childish but I thought it was really, really cute. Like the two kittens on top of a gigantic ball of yarn with the caption that says KEEP HANGING ON BECAUSE WE’RE KITTENS AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
“Nah, it’s kid’s stuff,” he said, again. Then, he ripped it straight off the wall. I put my hands up to my face in horror but then he turned his ballcap backwards and gave me the biggest kiss. “Wish I could put you up there,” he said. I think he meant it as a compliment even though, at first, I thought it was just a tad creepy. He’s so cute though, I know he likes me.
We got some hot chocolates on the way. My new boyfriend told the lady to put some extra whipped cream on mine. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Then, we went into the poster tent. They had everything in there and my new boyfriend and I just spent hours looking, holding hands, talking about EVERYTHING. I got a really beautiful poster that had a lion and a dolphin on it and my new boyfriend got one that had three really nice painted skateboards that he liked and another that advertised some kind of beer.
On the way home, my new boyfriend asked if I wanted to stop in the cemetery. We walked along the rows of graves looking at the different old-time names. “These people, Ash, they, like, lived and died,” he said. I couldn’t believe he said that!
We just have so much in common.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Gluten and Sugar-Free Pumpkin Pie Teddy Bears in Five Easy Steps
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on making gluten and sugar-free 
pumpkin pie teddy bears.
There’s more than one way to make a pumpkin pie!
Why not try something different this year? Instead of the tired old “round” pumpkin pie, why not try making your pumpkin pies in the shape of cute, cuddly little teddy bears?
Now, I know it’s crazy difficult to be the one hosting and making a big feast for your family and that making pumpkin pies that look like little teddy bears might end up being LAST on the to do list. But trust me, it’s not as hard as it looks. In fact, it can be accomplished in five easy steps!
INGREDIENTS
- 1 15 oz can pumpkin
- 2 eggs
- 2/3 cup unsweetened soy milk (or unsweetened almond milk, grass milk, or cream – milk has more carbs, so, adjustments!)
- 1/3 cup organic cream
- 1 entire box of artificial organic all-natural sweetener
- 1 teaspoon dark molasses (optional)
- 2 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon crushed Buntz Mallows
- 1 scant teaspoon nutmeg (similar to the sprinkle of a light spring rain)
- 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
STEP ONE
Before beginning, you’ll need to acquire a pie crust mold that comes in the shape of a cuddly little teddy bear. Think ahead! Don’t go around at the last minute, rushing frantically into store and after store, becoming progressively more unhinged as you beg of an uncaring store clerk for that perfect cuddly teddy bear mold. Believe me, I’ve been through it– it’s no fun! Order your mold ahead and of time and you won’t have to worry. Lankville Speciality Animal Baking Molds has a lot of great options– check out their website at 123easypies!.com. This takes some of the guessing out of the initial part of your endeavor and will make it more fun.
Now that you have your mold, you’ll dump your ingredients into it, pre-heat your oven at 425 degrees, and bake for 15 minutes.
Don’t go around at the last minute, rushing frantically into store and after store, becoming progressively more unhinged as you beg of an uncaring store clerk for that perfect cuddly teddy bear mold.
STEP TWO
Our camera lens completely shattered when we attempted to photograph Hadbawnik’s cuddly bear pies, so we have included a stock photograph of pumpkins instead.
Reduce your oven temperature to 350 degrees and bake another 40 to 50 minutes. Gently pierce your bear’s chest with a knife and remove the pie when the knife comes clean (don’t worry- later, we’re going to cover up the piercings with a funny oversized candy bowtie!)
STEP THREE
Cool for two hours. You can begin on your bowtie and funny hobo hat now!
STEP FOUR
Decorate. Add the bowtie, hobo hat and frame your bear’s edges with a thin layer of whipped cream. This will give him depth and make him stand out even further.
STEP FIVE
Serve (and wait for the compliments!).
DHAD
Flying Saucers Today! The Bud Cups Photo
By Graahaam Fosdick
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present articles from Graahaam Fosdick’s long-running periodical “Flying Saucers Today!”.
On April of this past year, I was walking through the woods in the hills near Bud Cups (Outer Regions). I was just hoping to enjoy some wildlife and, of course, I was sobbing hysterically and thought it best to be in the hills. Nevertheless, I took along my camera just for appearances’ sake. As I came down the east side of a little hillock, the woods broke away into a delightful clearing. “WHY THIS IS A FINE SPOT FOR A PICNIC,” I declared to no one (and a little too loudly). My eyes were drawn to the utility lines which snaked their way across this lovely spot and on down the opposite hillside.
It was about then that I noticed that the clearing had suddenly become shaded. I looked up.
Fosdick took this photograph while sobbing hysterically.
I got the shock of my life.
Suspended at what seemed a height of no more than five feet directly over me, with no visible means of support, was a huge, round metallic disc. It hung motionless in midair. Although I would not dare to hazard a guess as to how big the thing was, it looked mildly gigantic. Like the size of a swimming pool flotation device crafted into the shape of an amiable dragon or perhaps the undercarriage of a small automobile.
Very slowly, then, the disc began moving up and away from me, towards the North. The bottom seemed convex and the upper surface reached up to form a glowing orange dome. The object again hovered briefly over the hills. I vomited immediately and then began crying again. But just before it moved out of eyesight, I was able to snap the photograph which you see today.
Immediately, the thing took off. It made no sound and elicited no exhaust or smoke of any kind. It was simply gone in a brilliant flash beyond the horizon. My body was trembling violently and I vomited again as I looked at my watch. Although the sick covered the face of the watch (and ultimately made it unwearable), I was able to discern the time. It was precisely 3:58 P.M.
It was about four o’clock of the same day in another part of Bud Cups. A fat newsboy named Dronald Rutherford was, as usual, fatly peddling his bicycle down Lankville Rural Route 221- to make some deliveries in a distant part of town. He stopped before the Schantz residence, adjacent to the highway in the open countryside. Mrs. Schantz was puttering around senselessly in the yard beside the house. Mr. Schantz was up on the roof, removing an errant beach ball. It was, in fact, noticing Mr. Schantz struggling with the beach ball that caused the newsboy to look up. In the blue sky above, he saw what he later described as looking like the bottom of a flying saucer.
“Hey,” he said in his lardass way of speaking. “LOOK AT THAT!”
Puzzled, Mr. Schantz fell off the roof and died.
Puzzled, Mr. Schantz fell off the roof and died. Mrs. Schantz followed the newsboy’s corpulent finger as it rose towards the sky. They caught sight of the thing as it remained in the air. After a short while, it took off, to quote the plump whale of a newsboy, “faster than any jet, straight for the Outlands!”
After a short while, it took off, to quote the plump whale of a newsboy, “faster than any jet, straight for the Outlands!”
Later (I was still ignorant of this incident), my photographic print proved that what I’d witnessed from the hillside had not been an outlandish hallucination, but an outlandish fact.
I was, of course, most enthusiastic about my flying saucer and I immediately stopped sobbing. The first person with whom I shared my experience was an island friend, whom I shall call “Prance”, who came over to my apartment in East Lankville for dinner one evening. He was seated on the little green hassock, I on a chair. After some small talk, which I angrily kept to a minimum, we sat in complete, frightening silence for a few seconds while I collected my thoughts. How should I tell him about the saucer?
At length I blurted out: “Do you believe in flying saucers?”
“Of course,” replied my island cohort in his booming foreign voice, as though I’d asked him whether he believed in the Sun or the shocking rise of “Challenges” in the Lankville area. I was stunned. I had certainly never believed in flying saucers myself before this revelation and of all greasy islanders I have known, I could not have visualized my friend as a “saucer enthusiast.”
“Stay here,” I commanded, leaving the room in an excited rush. I returned with my hill picture, shoved it violently into his palm and sat down on the hassock next to him before realizing that the hassock was really too small to contain the bodies of two men. The hassock was, point of fact, really too small even for my friend but I liked offering it to people despite the fact that there was a perfectly comfortable sofa nearby. I liked the power, I admit it.
“You don’t seem at all surprised,” I said after I related my account up in the hills.
“I’m not,” he said loudly. “I’ve seen hundreds of these things.”
“Hundreds?” I was astonished.
“Yes,” he said. “They come in many colors. Plus, I’ve been shot with a ray gun. That’s why I have trouble driving.” He stared at me with a crazed look in his brown, normally empty island eyes.
We have not seen each other socially since.
Nevertheless, I present my story to you, dear reader, as pure unadulterated fact. It was, indeed, a flying saucer that I saw. It was a flying saucer that Dronald Rutherford and Mrs. Schantz saw. And even my former friend “Prance”– he too saw a flying saucer although I certainly don’t believe that rubbish about the ray gun.
A Decorative Oar Makes a Great Thanksgiving Centerpiece
By Floyd Tingley
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Now, I know what you’re thinking– the boating season’s over, all the nautical-themed outdoor decorations have been dusted off and stored inside for the long winter– there’s no call for a decorative oar right now. Well, I’m here to tell you that a decorative oar makes a great Thanksgiving centerpiece. Get your wife to lay a bed of hollies down and you’ve got yourself a real conversation starter. Get two and on the big day, you can drop that beautiful bird right down in between them. Creates symmetry, it’s pleasing to the eye. I’ve had many a repeat customer.
Right now, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we’re having a holiday sale. You pay full price (that’s $195 including customized gold-plated engraving) for your first oar and I’ll throw the second oar in for just $165. That’s a savings of $30. Times are tough these days. That $30 will come in handy.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only (I don’t have time for no nonsense). And remember: a Tingley little presentation oar is the best little presentation oar.
Five Ways to Repurpose Leftover Pumpkins by David Hadbawnik
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! NEWS YOU CAN USE
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on the proper disposal of pumpkins and gourds.
Each day, I receive hundreds of thousands of emails from readers just like you, asking about proper methods of pumpkin disposal. So, for those in a pumpkin crisis, I’ve laid down a few easy tips. So grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, relax, do a few light stretches and then read on:
1. If your pumpkin is whole and uncarved…consider moving him (all pumpkins are masculine) inside to be part of your Thanksgiving holiday decorations! I can’t tell you how many people come up to me in restaurants, bus stations and outside and say, “David, you wouldn’t believe how a few pumpkins transformed my otherwise moribund Thanksgiving interior decor!” I’m never surprised– after all, pumpkins add a splash of orange to maize displays, cranberry candle exhibits and glittered leaf table decor. And they remind us of some of our earliest Lankville settlers who ate a lot of pumpkins so there is historical value.
2. Donate them to a zoo…there is nothing a zookeeper likes better than looking up to find a family toting a rickety wagon full of old pumpkins into the park. If they refuse (they shouldn’t!), then simply make a few calls to any nearby pumpkin farm worker and ask them what to do.
3. If you carved your pumpkin just a few days prior to Halloween, then you should be able to still use the innards (or, as I like to call it, “the orange gold”) for soups, pies, candy or soda. Note: a 5-pound pumpkin can make about two 9-inch pies (utilize an electronic device for further calculations).
Not sure what to do with ALL THOSE PUMPKINS? David Hadbawnik breaks it down for you.
4. How about trying to learn more about pumpkins? Understand them better? Start a neighborhood garden and pumpkin dump. Get to know the people in your community.
5. Feed your pumpkins to a horse– or to someone who has a horse. Always ask permission first! Horses love pumpkins almost more than zoo animals. In fact, of all the animals, horses are known to like pumpkins best. (Reader recommendation).
As always, enjoy and happy holidays!
DHad
Cones Used to Fucking Mean Something
Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
Used to be, those faggots in orange hats would put out some cones and you’d stay the hell away. It meant something. Now? Don’t mean shit.
Cones have lost their meaning, Fingers Rolly suggests.
They put a cone on the corner of a sidewalk by some son of a bitch bush. There ain’t nothing there- not a goddamned reason for there to be a cone. It just sits there like that fucking desert, just mocking me from my kitchen window. That motherloving cracked brown whore. “You’ll love living in the desert,” the realtor said back in the day. Wish I could find that mollycoddled little asshole now.
Nowadays, people have private cones. What in the hell does that mean? You can just go into Home Dump or some bullshit place like that and buy a whole stack of ’em. You don’t have to show no identification or nothing. Fucking nonsense.
I loathe the desert.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned an article on recycling efforts in the Lankville Highlands.
Five Things You Need to Know About Candy Corns
By Zach Keebaugh
NEWS OF THE SEASON
With Halloween fast approaching, you may think that by picking up a couple of packs of candy corns, you’re doing the kids in your neighborhood a favor, right? Perhaps. But first, maybe you better take a minute and learn a little something about this polarizing small candy.
1. PEOPLE LOVE CANDY CORNS OR THEY VIEW THEM AS AN UNMENTIONABLE LANKVILLE NIGHTMARE– THERE’S NO MIDDLE GROUND
Yeah, man– for a seemingly innocuous little bullshit treat, candy corn sure sparks a lot of opinion. When I recently polled some friends in preparation for this article, I got over a million responses.
“I become sick every year,” one friend (a woman) wrote. “I throw up for nearly a week. Nothing but bile and candy corns. Just over and over and over again into the toilet, the mop bucket, into the street, wherever. Just bile and candy corns.”
“HATE CANDY CORNS. Cannot emphasize the word HATE enough,” said another friend who utilized a yellow highlighter device on her email to make it especially clear.
“I love ’em yo’,” said a good friend (and fellow News contributor BIG CHIPS). “They’re awesome. Like little candy pizzas, man.”
About half the people surveyed admitted to liking the stuff.
Candy corns. Do you know five things about them?
2. IT USED TO BE MADE IN COUNTRY POTS
Snagged this fact off the net. Apparently, candy corns used to be made in these giant pots that they only had out in the country. These assholes would cook sugar and corn syrup into a sort of slurry and then pour it out into kernel-shape trays. “The Buntz Mallows Company of Lankville was the first company to sell candy corns commercially,” noted Gordon Dillard, who claimed to be some sort of candy historian or something. “Funny thing is, Buntz still sells them!”
I didn’t really get the joke but whatever. Used to be made in country pots.
3. THERE’S A PROPER WAY TO EAT THEM
So, about half the people I surveyed said that nibble on candy corn from one end. The other half say they just pop the whole fucker in their mouth and be done with it. “The proper way is to begin nibbling from the narrow white end,” said Dillard.
“Why?” we probed.
“Etiquette,” he responded.
4. THEY CAN BE DEEP-FRIED
An ex-girlfriend of mine recently posted a recipe on some blog that involves rolling a bunch of candy corns in a ball of dough and then frying it in hot oil.
Crazy whacked bitch, I initially thought.
Turns out though, it’s true.
“Why wouldn’t we fry candy corns?” said a chef who asked to remain anonymous. “Frying makes everything taste better.”
I thought about pushing the big white hat off his head but decided against it.
5. THERE ARE VERSIONS FOR OTHER HOLIDAYS
This, I didn’t know. Turns out, candy corns are not just for Halloween any more. They got candy corns for Easter, Christmas, Saint Virgil’s Day and the Opening Feast. Manufacturers even put them out in different colors to match the occasions.
I got nothing else to say on this matter, man.
A Personal Message from M. Goberman: Special Agent
By M. Goberman: Special Agent
M. Goberman: Special Agent is an “independent contractor” who is currently in the employ of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. He lives in the Eastern Lankville hinterlands.
Two evenings ago, a small radio satellite receiver fell from the sky in Southern Lankville. Although the Lankville Bureau of Probes immediately cordoned off a four-mile square area where the satellite was believed to have landed, they were unable to locate the device.
The device is of no interest to the average Lankvillian, who would be hopeless in his attempts to decipher its complex code. Therefore, the Lankville government is offering a handsome reward for its timely return. The Lankville government did something else.
They hired M. Goberman: Special Agent.
A 9AM meeting was scheduled. I arrived at the Presidential palace six hours early. Nine security personnel were annihilated as I made my way to the Presidential bedroom. I squatted in the darkness and watched the old man sleep. He awoke with a start around five. I darted out of the shadows to face him.
“You know who I am?”
He screamed. “It can’t be…how did you get in here?”
“You know who I am?” I repeated. “There will be no 9AM meeting. Give me my instructions now.”
Eventually, a manilla envelope marked “TOP SECRET” was handed over.
Photo of the satellite receiver lost two nights ago.
“You have given me the power to handle this?” I asked the old man.
“Well…we may have some stipulations…”
I threw a chair across the room.
“It’s bad enough that you called me, old man.” I was losing patience. “Now, I ask one more time. You have given me the power to handle this?”
He nodded.
And so I say once again. If you have found this device, take it immediately to your nearest Bureau of Probes Field Office. The reward will buy you a handsome automobile, an island vacation, perhaps a new lounge suite. If you have found this device, you have 24 hours to do so. If you have found this device and you have elected NOT to hand it over, then let me tell you what will happen.
You will be tracked. You will be found. And you will be annihilated.
By M. Goberman: Special Agent.
Although I live in the distant Eastern hinterlands, I am a mere hour from any target in Lankville. How is this possible? you might ask. I cannot tell you. But know that it is real. Know that it will happen. If you doubt me, I invite you to take a good, hard look at the photograph that will accompany this article. Does that look like the face of a man who makes idle threats? Who “jokes around?” Who engages in “aimless mirth?” Consider that carefully.
God willing, all this will be settled without further incident and I will return to the Eastern Lankville hinterlands. If not, then Lankville should expect a visit.
A visit from M. Goberman.
Special agent.
Royer Hospitalized After Zoo Incident
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer is in stable condition after an early-morning zoo incident in Eastern Lankville.
Royer was granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
The incident occurred at Buntz Mallows Discount Zoo and involved a trash receptacle shaped like a lion’s head.
“It’s a lion’s head with a circular shaped mouth, operating on heavy suction if you can imagine,” said Zookeeper Fergie Pounder. “Kiddies take their trash, hold it near the mouth and the lion sucks it straight in. All the kids just love it.”
Pounder admitted that the device is more popular than the animals. “Our animals are really boring,” he noted.
Pounder went on to describe the incident.
“Well, this fellow [Royer] was just staring at this thing. It went on for about seven hours [the zoo opens at 2AM]. He never put any trash in, just stared at it, drawing slowly closer and closer with each passing hour. A certain darkness seemed to descend directly over that area, it became particularly windy, there was a mysterious howl. Then, after all that time, he stuck his whole arm in the device. The suction drew him into the machine and he banged his head against the cement lion part and was rendered unconscious.”
“The head will be removed immediately,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who had been observing Royer for several hours before the incident. “It’s very dangerous when you stick your whole arm into it.”
Royer was treated for a concussion and is expected to be released this afternoon. He had been granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where he is expected to be returned.
OPINION: I’m the Kind of Guy You Meet in a Stuffy Attic
By Zach Keebaugh Citizen
You head upstairs to the attic in search of some wrapping paper or maybe your favorite pair of summer swim trunks. “It’s a little stuffy up here,” you think. “I should open a window.” You make your way through the half-darkness, stumbling over an old stereo receiver or a box of comic books. Finally, you arrive at the window and throw it open. “Some air,” you think. “That’ll get things circulating.” Then, you turn back.
AND THERE I AM, MAN.
Because, I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic.
Your mind races. How did he get in here? Did I leave a door open while I was outside raking up all those old pumpkins? Did he climb up here? Is that even possible?
Fact is, all that’s irrelevant.
Because I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic. Just is, man.
“What…do you want?” you say. I emerge from beneath the old roof beams. I don’t say much. There’s not much to be said. Thousands of years of civilization have passed to achieve this moment. Deep down, we both know this. We both know our assigned purposes. I need not even know yours. But I know mine.
I’m the kind of guy you meet in a stuffy attic.
Then, I turn and make my way down the stairs.
The opinions of Zach Keebaugh are not necessarily those of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Today in Breakfast Sandwiches by Brian Schropp
By Brian Schropp
Breakfast Sandwich Aficionado
The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present a new feature by noted aficionado Brian Schropp.
A lot of people come up to me on a daily basis. They say, “Brian, when are you ever going to share your voluminous knowledge of breakfast sandwiches with the world? For a great span, I felt strongly that the moment was not upon us. We were still passing through a strange cycle of fear, of suspicion of the breakfast sandwich. Lankville had not fully embraced the phenomenon. No knowledge could yet be imparted.
In the last few years, however, I have noticed a change. I have heard the rich man say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” I have heard the erudite man say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” And I have even heard the frightening, mountain dirt cave hillbilly say, “I had a breakfast sandwich this morning.” I have been moved by this sense of justice and federation. And so I have agreed to undertake this new feature. I am proud to present to you, Lankville, Today in Breakfast Sandwiches.
Today, we’ll be looking at two of Lankville’s more notable creations.
PAPPY’S CHICKEN AND BISCUITS
Breakfast sandwich designer H.X. Approval .
Pappy’s Chicken and Biscuits is one of Lankville’s more notable purveyor of “hastily-concocted viands”. In 1997, they introduced their first breakfast sandwich, a biscuit with a slice of thick ham topped with ranch sauce which was an enormous failure. “Customers were pretty vocal in regards to its poor taste and texture,” noted former Pappy’s CEO Ivan Calderon. “The ham was sliced in a sort of layered way, making it look like a tiny step-stool. It was hard to eat,” admitted Calderon, who spearheaded an initiative to include egg and sausage on Pappy’s second venture into the field of breakfast hoagies.
Pappy’s turned to H.X. Approval, who had designed successful breakfast sandwiches for several island chains in the 1990’s. “I knew right away what I wanted to do with Pappy’s,” said Approval. “Breakfast sandwiches are man’s great equalizer. They bring people of all races and some colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, the breakfast sandwich is a healer,” Approval added.
In 2001, Pappy’s introduced the “Copious Bulker”– an instant hit in all Lankville markets. “It’s two eggs with two types of sausages shoved in between,” Approval explained. “You’ve got links on either side of a patty. The links cradle the paddle in there, keeping it safe the warm and, at the same time, kind of caressing it erotically.” Approval briefly excused himself but shortly returned. “On top of the sausages, you have a round, perfectly compressed slice of ham. We were able to concisely summarize taste in that thin slice. That’s really the only way to describe it.”
Lankville agrees. The Copious Bulker has sold over five hundred billion sandwiches since 2001.
THE VITIELLO DECORATIVE BREAKFAST SANDWICH
Chris Vitiello of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc.
Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. introduced their decorative breakfast sandwich in 2004. Although initially met with skepticism, it has since garnered a loyal following. “What makes my sandwich work is that it is both edible and decorative,” noted founder and CEO Chris Vitiello. “The edible component slides out easily and may be consumed by the rapacious sort of philistine that feels the need to shove a breakfast sandwich down his greed-lined gullet and then the decorative component, which is the true aesthetic component– the true work of art– will hopefully be appreciated by the same sort of vulgarian that would feel the need to purchase such a heinous object in the first place.” Vitiello removed a whip from a desk drawer and placed it between us.
I carefully admitted that this was one of my main objections to the Vitiello Decorative Breakfast Sandwich. “It is nearly ten times the cost of the Pappy’s sandwich,” I pointed out. There was a long silence.
“Is that so, Mr. Schropp?” Vitiello finally answered.
“Yes,” I conceded.
Vitiello ran his finger slowly along the whip.
“You know where this is going to end, don’t you, Schropp?” he finally asked.
I very slowly got out of my chair and backed away towards the door. Vitiello’s steely eyes followed me. I crept down the ill-lit hallway. The elevator was out, so I had to take a service lift. I felt that, somehow, I could hear the crack of a whip somewhere. I made it to the street.
When I looked back up towards Vitiello’s office, I saw him standing in the window, holding the whip. He was pointing at me, then pointing at the whip. His eyes were like great shards of menace.
Next week, we’ll be taking a look at two more Lankville breakfast sandwiches. Until then!
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE GIRL BECOMES NUN
A Western Outland Lankville broad, the former Miss Tammy Speake, has taken her first vows in the order of the Mary-Wonderment Sisters of the Motherhouse in Obrecht County.
Sister Anne
She is now Sister M. Frederick Anne and will spend a year of intensive study before receiving an assignment to either a domestic or foreign mission post of the order.
“We can certainly see Sister M. Frederick Annie [sic] being assigned to the Depths,” noted head Motherhouse Sister C. Lorrie Hyginus, aged 62. “Or maybe to the Desert. There seem to be some people that get lost out there,” the shapeless, corpulent mother superior noted.
Sister Anne was a 2008 graduate of Home Dump Hardware High School in Obrecht. Her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Steve Garvey, live at 68 Cannon Street. They have two cars and a garage.
GROUP CONTINUES PROTEST
A group of concerned citizens have entered their tenth day of protesting against the Gelsinger French Toast Club in Lankville Heights. The club advertises “adult entertainment.”
“We don’t want it in our town,” said head organizer Leonardette Folger, 46, of Lankville Heights. “It has been associated with a lot of crime in the area, the food is abominable, and they have live and filmed x-rated shows. This is a family neighborhood.”
Gelsinger, who owns 26 such clubs in Lankville and is also chairman of the Lankville Assembly of Birdwatching Enthusiasts said he was not concerned.
“I provide a service that people are willing to pay for,” noted the executive, who was placing a large protective cone over the shaft of a backyard birdfeeder. “I wouldn’t be much of a red-blooded Lankvillian if I didn’t seize that opportunity.”
Gelsinger suddenly dropped and then accidentally tread on the protective cone, crushing it nearly in half. A series of squirrels appeared shortly thereafter and devoured the feeder’s supply of seed.
“Do you see the fucking shit I put up with?” Gelsinger was heard to ask in consternation.
Warden Gwee Valencia is under fire.
MENTAL PATIENTS ESCAPE
At least 36 dangerous mental patients escaped last night from the Plush Views Hills Hospital, sources are confirming.
“We were putting some gelatin into some little paper cups and somehow they escaped,” noted Warden Gwee Valencia, who gave a short press conference this morning. “We think they could be dangerous to the community although we’re still sorting through our brown accordian-style folders, trying to figure out who they are.”
Valencia, 43, will face a series of hearings today and could ultimately be dismissed by Plush Views Hills.
“Gwee is a good, compassionate man who should be given another chance,” said his wife Williamette, 39, judged to be about a 6 out of 10 by this writer. “It was a mistake that could have happened to anyone.”
Plush Views Hills had 310 inmates before the escape.
Talented Youth Makes a Town from Some Blocks of Clay
Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A talented youth has made a town out of some blocks of clay, sources were reporting early this morning. Lankville Daily News rushed right over to confirm the story at the request of our editors.
The adroit second-grader, whose name is Reggie Righetti, showed us the astonishing model in the library of the El Arroyo Bank of Del Lankville Elementary School in Pine County. We immediately called for a photographer to show the world little Reggie’s magnificent creation at the request of our editors.
Reggie Righetti, aged 7, shows off his extraordinary clay model of a town.
“It’s supposed to be my street and my neighborhood, ” said Righetti, whose little lumps of shapeless clay were meant to represent houses and streets. Little Reggie and his teacher, Mrs. Brenda Lezcano, went on for hours about the dazzling creation and, at the request of our editors, we had to stay and listen.
“Reggie has always had a keen interest in architecture. I think he’ll be a city planner one day too!” said Lezcano, who somehow was able to divine the future from an aggregration of amorphous globs. “He even laid the roads out in a grid. So creative!”
At the request of our editors, this reporter discovered the type of clay used (Play, Fun!), the amount of time that Reggie has been modeling with clay (two months) and the occupation of his parents (father: accountant, mother: homemaker).
Although the information was not requested by our editors, this reporter walked around the perimeter of the building and noted the flora and fauna of the area, the type of mulch utilized on the playgrounds and the type of stones used outside the sewer runoff. And although they were not requested by our editors, this reporter collected samples wherever possible.
This reporter then headed straight to a nearby tavern to capture a little “local flavor”. But not before phoning this breaking story in immediately to the editors who will doubtless send it forth to an anxiously-awaiting public.
Museum Heist Nets Treasured Masterpiece
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES!
In news unfolding early this morning, Lankville police have announced that a daring overnight museum heist has netted thieves the nation’s most valuable painting. Law enforcement officials are currently viewing surveillance footage from the Lankville Museum of Art but have no leads.
The painting, “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion” by modernist master Linda Ten Boom (1919-1962), depicts a kitten and a basketball. It has been viewed by countless Lankvillians and is valued at over $100 million.
Detail from Ten Boom’s “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion”.
“It’s a dark day for art lovers,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “We believe that this heinous crime was carried out by some daring thieves as security is present everywhere in and around the museum,” added Gee-Temple, who asked that anyone with any information should contact him today between 12:30-2PM.
Art critic and historian BoVon Hayes, interviewed this morning while eating some bagels in a parking lot, was stunned by the theft.
“Ten Boom was a Lankville master and Crucifixion is her dies irae. A visual expression of her deep feelings about Lankville society in that time period. It is instantly recognizable.”
Police stated that no witnesses have stepped forward.
“We are hoping for something on the tapes,” added Gee-Temple, who seemed visibly shaken. “Unfortunately, many of the cameras were not positioned properly– were turned towards bathrooms or pointless alcoves or corners, away from any action that might have occurred on the floor. We’ll hope for some fingerprint, some fiber, something.”
An update is expected later this afternoon.
I’ve Been Thrown Into an Industrial Tire Shredder Before, I’ll Be Thrown Into an Industrial Tire Shredder Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Yeah, I’m here to deliver a wake-up call to that clown that works over in Sector II. Guess what, buddy? I’ve been thrown into an industrial tire shredder before and I’ll be thrown into an industrial tire shredder again.
So, I’m at work yesterday, just minding my own business over by the single-pass M85 stationary shredder– just feeding tires into that baby and cracking some jokes with some of the other fellows. And this turd comes over totally out of the blue with two tires and he just throws them on in there. I said, WHOA, BUDDY! THEM MOTHERFUCKERS HAVE GOT TO BE AUTHORIZED BY YOURS TRULY, FIRST! He just looked at me awhile and then he asked what I was going to do about it. And I told him right then and there that I’d do whatever it took.
The next thing I know, we’re going at it and this jackass got a couple of good belly punches in and then, when I was bent over, he picked me up and threw me into the tire shredder. I couldn’t believe it none.
So, anyways, I just wanted to let that bastard ass know one thing– I’ve been thrown into an industrial tire shredder before and I’ll be thrown into an industrial tire shredder again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK