Archive
OPINION: I’ve Been Hit With a Chair Before, I’ll Be Hit With a Chair Again
By Dick La Hoyt
Hey, this here’s a message for that assclown that hit me with a chair down at The Appliance Tyrant on Route 71. Guess what, shit for brains? I been hit with a chair before and I’ll be hit with a chair again.
Let me tell you what happened. So, I’m parked on the couch with a couple of cold beverages and a take-out container of wings, ready to watch Truckers Driving Over Hills, this reality show I enjoy, when all of a sudden I hear Tammy screaming in the basement. “OH MY GOD, DICK! OH MY GOD, DICK!” over and over again. So, I figure I better check it out. After all, Dick likes to keep the little lady happy.
So, I go downstairs and you know what I see? Whole god damn utility sink is clogged to hell and water is running all over my newly-painted and recently-refinished concrete floor.
“GOD DAMMIT, DICK LA HOYT, THE WASHER’S BROKE!” Tam yells. She’s wet as a dog in the rain and plus, she’s got on a white t-shirt, so that was some bonus points for old Dick. Hey, you gotta’ see the good in every situation, know what I mean?
Anyway, I get the sink unclogged and then go to work on the washer. And don’t you know it– the god damn agitator comes right off. Broke at the base.
“This baby is toast,” I tell Tam, who’s drying off (unfortunately). “I’m gonna’ have to get a new one.”
“I saw that the Washing Machine Realm is having a sale,” Tam offers.
I smiled. Sure, Tam was just trying to help but let me tell you– ol’ Dick knows where to go. And that’s how I ended up at The Appliance Tyrant.
So anyways, I’m taking a look at some of the machines– thinking about maybe going with a front loader this time, maybe something in platinum or onyx, when all of a sudden this horse’s ass butts in front of me and checks out the tag on the VERY washer that I was eyeing up. I couldn’t believe it.
“Hey buddy,” I inform him. “That washer is SPOKEN FOR.”
“Oh yeah? You buy this one?” he asks. “It’s a good one,” he says, and pats the washer a couple of times on the side.
I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.
“Listen, man. I went and told you the washer was spoken for. Now, you’re patting it on the side like you own it? What gives you the god damn RIGHT?”
He takes a step back for a second but then he comes forward and pats it again. I nearly lost it.
“I’ll pat this machine if I want to, man,” he says.
“Alright, we’re taking this shit OUTSIDE,” I say.
“GLADLY,” he says.
So, anyways, we head out into the parking lot. It’s pretty cracked and weedy and there’s some old furniture out there that I guess they never got around to throwing away. And as I’m staring at an old stool, wondering if maybe I could refinish it and use it at my workbench, the guy brains me with a god damn chair. I never saw it coming.
I wake up in the back room of the Tyrant. A couple of salesman are standing around trying to pitch plastic forks into an empty coffee can. I got a headache the size of the Outlands.
“Your wife’s coming to pick you up,” one of the salesman says.
“She sounded plenty mad,” the other one says.
I’d figure it out. Dick La Hoyt always figures it out.
But I just want that prick to know one thing– I been hit with a chair before and I’ll sure as SHIT be hit with a chair again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Theatrical Electronic Music Pouring Out of Local Pink Building
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Theatrical electronic music is pouring out of a Lankville Eastern Urban Area pink building sources are confirming.
The pink building
“It’s very dramatic music,” said Al Cobbs, who operates a nearby auto garage. “Lot of very stirring but ominous synthesizer music punctuated by huge cymbal crashes. Got me thinking about the cosmos, I admit.”
It was unclear precisely where the music was coming from. The building houses a liquor store in the front and two apartments on both the first and second floors.
“I don’t know much about the tenants,” admitted Cobbs, who was utilizing a grease gun to lube a chassis as the vehicle’s owner (an attractive woman) stood by. “I think there’s one guy that has a dog. Maybe not, though.”
Calls placed to the liquor store went unanswered. Robotic flying cameras, launched into the open windows of each of the four apartments, came back with little data.
“I guess it’s a mystery,” noted Cobbs, who began examining the torque on a driveshaft as the vehicle’s owner (an attractive woman) stood by. “At least it’s an electrifying, expressive one.”
Cake in Process of Being Consumed
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A cake is in the process of being consumed, sources are reporting.
“We had a catered lunch,” said Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed CEO Aaron Lowinger of the Lankville Port Area. “And we’re taking this cake and pumping it up like a god damn pyramid is the nature of what’s going on here.”
Lowinger provided no further explanation.
The cake when it was only half-eaten and prior to Totten’s death.
“I would say the cake is almost half-eaten,” said longtime employee Willie Totten who also contributed to the consumption of the sugary loaf. “About twenty minutes ago, there was more of the cake but as time has moved forward, we are now facing a situation where there is less of the cake.”
“That’s generally the linear path that one follows whenever a cake is presented,” Totten added.
The employee suddenly vomited into a strange opaque grayness that appeared. When the weird phantom-like mist became thicker and threatened to overtake Mr. Totten, he ended the interview abruptly and made an attempt to run out the conference room door before disappearing into the expanding shroud, screaming and shrieking for the help that never came.
“It’s terrible about Willie,” Lowinger commented later. “We’re down to about 1/4 of the cake left now.”
The Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed Company has been providing Lankville with quality utility sheds at affordable prices since 1982.
Greetings from Pineapple Island
By Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp is not to be confused with Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp or UFOlogist Brian Schropp or ‘The Power of Tolerable’ Brian Schropp or the Brian Schropp who was trying to sell those berries.
Is it such an easy life living on one of the many Lankville Islands? Folks from the ‘main land’ have dreamed of island life as living on the beach all day, chopping up pineapples to put in a delightful fruit salad and receiving deep relaxing massages from beautiful island women in coconut bras and grass skirts. Well, actually it is all those things, who the fuck am I kidding, I live a great life.
I was abandoned as a baby on this isle, left in a giant pineapple shell for the natives to find and raise as one of their own. Now, some of you might find it wrong that from an early age I learned to manipulate these folks into thinking I was some sort of God. To wait on me hand and foot with any silly whim I may have. I see it as turning a possible dreadful situation created by neglectful parents into the finest glass of lemonade one could have. However, as of late I have found my perfect island life being disrupted by various other Brian Schropps and the chaotic beings who follow them.
The first Brian Schropp came floating in on a raft earlier this year. He must have been on that wooden makeshift monstrosity for many a month because the poor soul was out of his mind. He babbled a fantastical yarn of pizza cults, oceans made of pizza sauce, and of reality being nothing but a giant pizza oven. His tale was so crazy that it sent the natives running to their huts in fear. After giving this crazed mound of flab a few glasses of pineapple juice (he whined for strawberry milk which I didn’t have) I was able to have a more ‘normal’ conversation with the lad. He was trying to visit each and every island (which is an impossibility) to learn the true origins of pizza sauce. I told him we really didn’t enjoy ‘pizza’ per say– instead we make a pizza dough crust with nothing added expect pineapple on top. He was instantly taken aback by this and frankly became quite a bit rude about the fact we didn’t enjoy the more traditional pizza fare. Well, needless to say, I had to send him off on his raft quite quickly. If word had gotten around to the tribe that he insulted our great pineapple flatbread, he wouldn’t be living for long!!
There was another Brian Schropp who showed up on the island not long ago (not sure how he got here, my people just found him wandering in the rain forest). This one was looking to take any sort of fruit or plant life back to the mainland to sell as a sort of fake ‘cure all’ to the desperate. I didn’t like this one from the get go and had two of my finest warriors, Samu and Tonga, take this wretched soul over to our only Lankville Postal Office on the island and ship him back in a box. Now, I here there is mention of him telling folks he had chanced on some ‘magic berries’ off this island. I can assure you this is completely and utterly false. If this mountebank should ever come even close to my island again, I will send my warriors out in their war canoes and strike down the fiend with spears.
The chaotic Dr. Nickelbee creature.
I have to say the worst of the worst was one of these ‘chaotic beings’ I mentioned earlier. This one came looking for the first Brian Schropp not long after I sent him packing. And much like that one this monster came floating in on a poorly built raft. Once near shore he rolled off his raft and like a fool tried running to shore (with waves constantly knocking him down) yelling my name. Once here, my warriors had to hold the loon back as he tried to hug me.
“BRIAN-BRIAN, DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!! HAVEN’T YOU MISSED ME AT ALL?”
I told him I had no clue who he was and that sent him into a tailspin. Thrashing to and fro in the powerful grip of my warriors with his face turning an unnatural shade of red, this yob called me a lair and then attempted to spit in my face. Well, that was the worst thing he could have done; I will not stand for such behavior. Once he recovered from his tremendous beat down, I was able to get more sense out of him. Turns out his name was Dr. Nickelbee and he is some sort of therapist for this other Brian Schropp. He mumbled an ungrateful apology for trying to hug me in a case of mistaken identity. I let it go, I can see how after many months on a raft he might mistake me for this other, we have a few vague similar features.
Our short civilized conversation soon turned South again after I told him the story of ‘Pizza Sauce’ Brian Schropp and how I sent him away.
“HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO SUCH A DELICATE FRAGILE BOY?!! HE NEEDED TO BE HELD AND STROKED TENDERLY NOT THROWN HAPHAZARD TO THE TRADE WINDS!!!”
Thus started yet another yelling tirade worse than the other which ended with this ‘Doctor’ trying to spit on me again and then wetting himself. It took both Samu and Tonga to strap this demon from the mainland down to his raft and send him back out to the ocean. I hear tales from other islands that at night, once the quiet sets in, you can hear this Dr. Nickelbee screaming somewhere out in the ocean. Who knows if this is really true? All I can say is if this one tries to enter my waters again much like the ‘Berries’ Brian Schropp, he will be met with war canoes and spears.
Until next time with another story from Pineapple Town, keep your thoughts open to all the possibilities of pineapple. Warm regards- Brian
Schropp Album Panned by Critics
By Bernie Keebler
Lankville Daily News correspondent Brian Schropp has released an album and critics aren’t so thrilled with it.
A Little Pizza in the Night, which features spoken word poems and light portable keyboard playing, has been thoroughly panned.
“It’s unlistenable,” said music writer Plete Boyer. “I mean literally. It sounds like it was recorded on a cheap cassette tape in the back of the Pizza A’Round. From what I can tell, no microphone was used other than the little tiny built-in mic that most of those cheap players have. And on certain tracks, Schropp seems to have his mouth directly on the mic and everything is a kind of a slobbery garble.”
The album features 14 tracks and Schropp claims it was recorded over three sessions on three different days.
“I had to fit it in between my important work here at the Round and also for the paper. But I feel like it’s a beautiful piece of work in a very specific way. I think it just adds to my personal ouevre.”
Schropp was ordered by his supervisor to open an enormous can of sauce and the interview was ended prematurely.
A Little Pizza in the Night will be available at most major record stores in the Northern Suburban Area.
“We’ll be carrying it, I believe,” said newly-hired record store clerk Larry Klacik who was recently dismissed from his position at Larry Pendleton’s Double Book Hut due to public drunkenness. “I’m sure it will sell moderately well. Maybe.”
The album retails for $7.99 on compact disk, $9.99 as a digital download on The Reckoner Exactra 2.0 and $12.99 on limited edition picture disk vinyl (the picture is a pizza).
Giant Trash Storm to Pass Through Lankville Tomorrow
By Jack Quintz, Weatherman
A giant storm of trash is expected to pass through Lankville tomorrow.
Citizens are advised to stay inside between noon and 8:00 PM.
“The trash is simply making its yearly circumnavigation of the Earth and arriving back to its original source, as trash is known to do,” said Shane Rawley, a scientist with the Lankville National Organization for Weather Patterns (LNOWP) in an email.
By Friday, the trash is expected to travel out to sea but not before dumping anywhere from 10,000 to 100,000 pounds of garbage on the mainland.
“It will mean an enormous cleanup but the stout will of Lankvillians will bend this problem over their knee like a child or a misbehaving lover and spank it away into oblivion,” said President Pondicherry in a prepared statement.
Trash particles will contribute to hazy skies and the creation of toxic algal blooms in most of Lankville’s waterways.
“Yes, the rivers and lakes will all die, unfortunately,” said Rawley when probed. “So, there’s that.”
Some studies have suggested that trash can affect how clouds and precipitation actually form.
“It could rain trash. You should warn everybody about that too,” Rawley noted.
Prior to the trash tempest, weather should be warm and seasonable with increasing humidity towards evening.
Visible satellite imagery showing the trash storm nearing the Lankville coast.
Panda Thinks Puppets Are Real
Brock Belvedere, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A pair of panda puppets made to look like real pandas are feeding tidbits of bamboo and candy to an actual month-old panda sources are confirming. The Lankville Daily News rushed right over to cover this important story at the request of our editors.
Officials at the Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo, a facility which works with endangered species when other zoos are closed, say this is no joke. They say the lessons learned by the puppet feedings may have an impact on saving the Lankville Monstrous Panda of which there are only a few hundred left in captivity. The officials went on for hours about their puppets and, at the request of our editors, we stayed to listen.
Zoo spokesman Sharon Quade-Mannion (7 out of 10) explained that the egg containing the baby panda (named “David”) was whisked away from its panda mother in a ruse called “double heaving”. At the request of our editors, we asked a follow-up question and Quade-Mannion explained the process.
“It’s simple, really. You heave an object, usually something like a chair or an ottoman, away from the mama panda and then you quickly heave another similar object. The panda becomes distracted and that’s when you snatch up that egg,” she noted. “This causes the panda to lay a second replacement egg and she sits on that egg, so she’s not really troubled by the whole process,” she added.
Quade-Mannion demonstrated the technique and, at the request of the editors, we took notes.
David, who was easily fooled.
“David was born two weeks later,” said Quade-Mannion, her skin glistening with sweat from the earlier heaving. “And that’s where Joyce Mitchell-Teufel comes in.”
At the request of our editors, we were forced to ask about Ms. Mitchell-Teufel.
Turns out, Mitchell-Teufel is known as “The Puppet Lady of the Western Valley”. We copied this sobriquet down at the request of our editors. She designed a pair of panda puppets to act as “parental simulacrum” for David.
“Pandas are very easy to fool,” Mitchell-Teufel (3 out of 10) noted. “David took to them [the parents] right away!”
“And the rest, as they say, is history!” Quade-Mannion averred.
“Panda history!” Mitchell-Teufel added.
The two women began laughing hysterically and, at the request of our editors, we copied down an entire page of “ha ha’s”.
This reporter then headed straight to a nearby tavern to capture a little “local flavor”. But not before phoning this breaking story in immediately to the editors who will doubtless send it forth to an anxiously-awaiting public.
Tension Mounts as Older Man Stands by Side of House for Second Day
By Otis Nixon
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Mr. Crowley continues to stand by the side of his house.
Tension is mounting in the Southern Swamplands as an older man is standing by the side of his house for a second straight day.
Several tactical police units, members of the Air Legionnaires and Lankville Army special ops are currently on the scene.
Gordy Crowley, 72, a retired associate of the fire department, has refused to make his intentions clear.
“We’ve rolled several desirable items to Mr. Crowley in transparent plastic orbs but so far he hasn’t touched any of them,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene.
“Most of the items were purchased at malls, so we’re talking quality,” the intrepid detective added.
The standoff began yesterday morning at 7:30 A.M. An advisory notice was issued last night at dusk and an 8:00 PM curfew was instituted. Nearby homes and businesses have been evacuated and residents are currently being housed at local emergency shelters.
“We told everyone to grab anything that was dear to them and flee,” noted Gee-Temple who was clad in body armor.
A press conference is expected later this afternoon.
Older Man Stands by Side of House
By Otis Nixon
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Mr. Crowley standing outside by the side of his house.
An older man has been standing by the side of his house, sources are confirming.
Gordy Crowley, 72, of the Southern Swamplands, was first spotted at the side of his house this morning at 7:30.
“I saw him, sure,” said a neighbor who refused to be identified. “I was eating breakfast and reading a technology magazine and he came out and just started standing there.”
Crowley has been standing in the same position by the side of the house for nearly two hours.
“Physically, he’s fine,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to arrive at the scene. “I observed him for awhile from behind a nearby tree and I saw no signs of stroke, rabies or any sort of lunacy. We believe that he’s fine.”
Calls placed to the Crowley home went unanswered.
“That’s probably because Mr. Crowley is standing outside by the side of the house,” Gee-Temple opined.
Crowley is a retired fire station associate. He spent 37 years in that capacity.
“He was not a fireman but he had a strong association with the fire station,” said Captain Lance Wilcox of the Southern Swamplands Fire Department, who was interviewed by phone.
No further information was available at press time.
“We’re monitoring the situation,” Gee-Temple commented.
Thurston Judges Cheeseburger Competition
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Men’s feelings expert and Lankville Daily News correspondent Dr. Kevin Thurston judged a cheeseburger competition on the Culinary Stage at a Lankville, First! rally in the Northern Outlands last night, sources are confirming.
“The cheeseburger is a beautiful expression of Lankvillian pride, along with the pizza,” said Thurston, who was spotted in the judges’ tent with some other men. “And while I am certainly all about culinary diversity and alternative feelings, I believe that it is appropriate to acknowledge one’s heritage upon occasion.”
Thurston tasted over 90 cheeseburgers before settling on Daniel Tartabull of the Northern Cleared Pack Area as the winner.
“Tartabull’s cheeseburger had the most feeling,” Thurston averred.
Dr. Kevin Thurston with another man.
The rally was held in support of the Lankville, First! movement which has been gaining momentum in certain fringe areas.
“I’m unaware of the movement,” Thurston admitted when probed. “I’m here for the cheeseburgers and also to continue spreading my message of peace, tolerance and exceptionally good deals.”
Thurston paused to offer this writer a decorative bathroom ventilation fan.
“This fan is priced at $159.99 from most major retailers but Dr. Kevin Thurston is currently offering it for just $144.99, including shipping,” he stated.
Tartabull, a 34 year-old post offices employee, said he was pleased with the honor.
“I make a good burger. Everybody always says that,” he noted.
Dr. Thurston is currently in the middle of a 10-area “Summer Feelings Tour”, making stops along the way at small festivals and carnivals.
“Summer is a wonderful time for men to get in touch with their feelings, free themselves from uncomfortable clothing and just put on some shorts and a t-shirt and get their bodies out there,” he mused.
Fun Science Experiments with Dr. Matt Dragons
Dr. Matt Dragons
Conductivity
Today, we’re going to discuss conductivity. When an ionic compound, such as sodium diopotate, dissolves in water, it dissociates into ions and the resulting solution conducts electricity. A conductivity meter can be used to measure the flow of electricity and determine the ionic strength of the solution and with the easy-to-read digital face, even the retarded or insane can join in the fun!
Remember, the flow of electricity is directly proportional to the number of ions in the solution– the more ions there are, the greater the conductivity of the solution!
Directions for Using the Conductivity Probe
1. Purchase a Danny Madison LabQuest Vertex II Conductivity Probe™ for this test– they are available anywhere fine scientific testing supplies are sold. Make sure the LabQuest Vertex II is plugged in and turned on and that the probe is set to Channel 34 (25 in the Islands).
2. Obtain a sample of water. Try a nearby pond, lake or stream. Be sure to isolate your sample in a scientific plastic bottle and store it in a small scientific cooler full of scientific ice packs.
PRO TIP: No matter what you are testing, always be sure to record its weight first!
2. Place the probe into a beaker or shallow basin containing the water sample you are testing. The Danny Madison Lighted Beacon Tip™ must be fully submerged.
3. Wait for the value to stabilize and note this in your notebook, pad, or digital writing pad (if that’s how you choose to live your life).
4. Rinse the conductivity probe off with distilled water and dry it with a Danny Madison DryWipe 2000™ (available anywhere fine scientific cleaning wipes are sold).
5. When you are done collecting your data, turn the LabQuest Vertex II off. Make sure the probe has been thoroughly cleaned and dried and be sure to keep it away from the infirm, babies and small pets.
What Does Your Data Mean?
By measuring the conductivity of your solution, you can now discern its salinity. Salinity is a measure of the total amount of non-carbononananate salts dissolved in your solution. The salinity of seawater is fairly constant, at about 35 ppmc (parts per measuring cube, or 1 g/Lm (x)). Brackish estuaries may have salinities between 1 and as high as 50 ppmc– although higher levels have been found in the Lankville Western Dead Swamps and the Route 71 Trash Stream.
Since aquatic organisms have varying abilities to survive and thrive in different salinities, you now know if life is possible in your pond, lake or stream. Remember: most freshwater organisms cannot live in levels above 5 ppmc; if your salinity level is higher than 5 ppmc, then everything in your sample is stone dead and the sampled pond, lake or stream is what is known as a “dead zone” or, in scientific terms, a ingens dunda mortis. Although dead zones can occasionally be reclaimed, it is best to forget about them and alert your local builder to the matter so that the area can be filled in and a parking lot or mall constructed.
Next time, we’ll be looking at protons and electrons and how to draw them.
Gourds in Summer: The Sleeping Giant?
By Dr. David Hadbawnik
Dr. David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on gourds.
You thought gourds were for autumn, the time of cider and the harvest and little people in funny hats. You thought – thanks to my previous column in THIS paper – gourds could be good for Christmas, as ornaments, gifts, holiday dream-scapes. But gourds in summer? If, perchance, the thought crossed your mind, like a big red pumpkin flying through the evening sky, no doubt you immediately dismissed it. Ridiculous! you thought.
You were wrong.
Gourds in summer are a gift, a gift I now wish to share with you. All it takes is a little love and a lot of ingenuity. You have to really want a summer gourd. Do you want it? Do you?
I thought so. Now that the idea is in your head, you can feel the love spreading out slowly, softly. Follow that love into the fields, near the meadows where a stream quietly trickles, nestling the banks with moisture. Find a rich, moist spot of ground and start digging.
Have you found anything yet? No? Keep digging.
Summer gourds don’t just jump out of the earth into your arms. It might take an hour. Three hours. Half a day. Oh, the times I’ve spent searching and digging for summer gourds. I could tell you some stories.
Let me just say that it’s always been worth it. When my fingers bump against that hardened green flesh, when I clear away the dirt and feel the shape of the gourd against the palm of my hand, when I finally pry it loose… Let me just say, it’s very satisfying indeed. Like finding a long-lost child. A child you never knew you had.
So keep digging, my friends, and find your summer gourd. They are out there, in the valleys and fields and dales, a summer giant waiting for your touch to free them. Enjoy!
Otis Nixon: 1955-2016
By Otho Ump
Infamous lurker, folklorist and Lankville Daily News columnist Otis Nixon has died. He was 60.
Otis Nixon has died.
Nixon was allegedly riding in an open car while wearing a long scarf. Witnesses state that the scarf became entangled beneath the wheels of the car causing Nixon to be strangled to death. His body was then blown into the woods and destroyed. No further information was available at press time.
“It’s a sad day for all of us,” said Daily News editor Marles Cundiff.
Nixon was previously reported dead several times last year only to later be found alive.
“Pretty sure it’s Otis,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “We have a witness that identified his scarf from a press photo.”
Relatives, friends and former lovers are invited to visit at the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, June 25, from 2pm to 4pm, 6pm to 8pm and again at 2am if you’re up for it. Funeral Services will be held on Saturday, June 26, 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
The Power of Tolerable by Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp is not to be confused with Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp or UFOlogist Brian Schropp.
Please take out your notebooks now and turn to page 26.
In this lesson, you can learn greatness and eventually you may be great.
But that is setting a very high bar. Can you achieve that?
No.
So, strive for being tolerable (turn to page 33).
Tune in to my show “The Power of Tolerable” beginning Tuesday nights at 9PM on Cable Network 152 (Network 27 in the Islands). Complete exercises 5-21 beforehand and have them ready as you watch the show. We will go through each section, lay out a plan of action for each and then you will hand in your notebooks via the special slot on your television (a Danny Madison Vision Marauder HD-Portal TV is required to complete this dispatch). I will grade each section and return them to you within one business day. There are no additional materials to purchase.
Each of us has within him the power to be tolerable. Join me now.
I’ll be by the pond.
Third Volume of Keebaugh Memoirs to be Released Tomorrow
By Buck Igloos
The third volume of Lankville Daily News correspondent Zach Keebaugh’s memoirs will be released tomorrow, sources are confirming.
My Tussle: Book Three: The Spleen of My Heart, a 1,216-page tome covering “Keebaugh’s early high school years” has gotten rave reviews.
“Keebaugh’s third volume is pure raw testimony of youth, it aches with intimacy,” said literary critic Bernard Varrone, Jr. “When Keebaugh writes– “yo, I wanted to pounce on that shit like a hillbilly on a rolling melon” the reader can relate to that in a profound and personal way.”
Keebaugh by the pool.
Keebaugh says that My Tussle: Book Three: The Spleen of My Heart will cover his life from grade 9 to the early part of grade 10.
“Yo, it’s taken me a little longer to drop this one on the public because it was a deeply mysterious point in My Struggle and I had to really wrestle with it, do some personal reflecting by some pools and all, just to get this bad boy down.”
“The book begins with a 150-page rumination on how they made me take 9th grade social studies in this shitty trailer they pulled up on the high school campus. Yo, that was a stone-cold slap in the face and I remember opening the squeaky door to that trailer and the squeak was like somebody saying this is the end of your childhood Keebaugh. It was brutal.”
Keebaugh is already working on volume four.
“The original plan was to drop a tetraology. A big old fuckin’ tet, man. But realistically, this could end up being six or seven volumes, man. Shit, I blew through 1,200 pages on Grade 9 alone.”
My Tussle: Book Three: The Spleen of My Heart has already sold several thousand advance copies and will be available at most Lankville bookshops.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK