BREAKING: Balloons Tied to Mailbox to Indicate Party
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Some balloons have been tied to a mailbox to indicate a party, sources are confirming.
“Yes, we tied the balloons to our mailbox,” said Northern Forest Region resident Dale (female) Bonds. “We thought it might be a good way for our guests to know that, this, this is where the party is.”
The balloons were tied to the mailbox around 11:00 AM, Northern Region Time.
“There was some confusion on our part,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who passed by the balloons shortly thereafter. “The party was at 1:00 PM (Northern Region Time) but the balloons were out there two hours before. I drove by a few times and then I inquired at the house. That’s when I was told they were for a party.”
The lovely balloons.
“It’s an interesting idea,” Gee-Temple added after a long silence.
The party was held to celebrate the birthday of Bonds’ 95-year old grandmother, Eunice.
“Grandmom had a great time and more people were able to find the party because of those balloons,” stated Bonds.
“I thought they were great,” said attendee and relative Del Bonds. “Until I saw those balloons, I was driving in an endless loop of confusion and increasing terror. It had been hours since I had eaten and I ended up in a derelict parking lot, scared, afraid, hungry, and cold. But then I looked up and I saw the balloons and I thought- why, they must signify something. And I knew that something had to be something celebratory, joyous even. After all, they were balloons on the mailbox. It would have been different if there was something scary tied to the mailbox like kaleidoscopic images of death or a detestable water lizard from another epoch. Thankfully, they were bright, strong, full balloons.”
Bonds says she plans to use the balloons again.
“We have a lot of parties and people really liked the balloons. Yes, I believe we will certainly use them again.”
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
I headed down for breakfast at the Murray.
I was hungover to hell.
Tibbs was in there– a splattered tan apron around his ample belly. He smelled like beer.
“GOOD MORNING, MR. OAKES!” He started laughing hysterically, even ended up bent over at the waist. Who could make anything of any of it?
“Morning Tibbs. Let’s have biscuits and gravy and a cup of that mud you’ve been peddling as coffee.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA, OH, WHAT A DELIGHT! WHAT AN AMAZING DELIGHT YOU ARE, MR. OAKES!”
My temples throbbed.
I read an old local paper somebody had left in the booth. There was an article in there about some donkeys that had pulled a cart up a hill. The writer went on and on and on about it. Took up 3/4 a page. They had quotes and everything. There weren’t no merit to it.
Tibbs came back. The joy on his face had disappeared. There was a shadow over him.
“Mr. Oakes– have you ever slept with faith and awoke with a corpse in your arms?”
I just sat there. What could you do? He leaned in closer.
“YOUR BREAKFAST WILL BE OUT MOMENTARILY, MR. OATES! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT A DELIGHTFUL MORNING!”
He bolted over to the counter and deposited a basket of rye toast into a nearby booth. There wasn’t anybody sitting there.
I kept up with the paper. The towels-by-the-pound lady had taken out a little ad. There was a pennant that went across the bottom. It said: “Ask for Dick Oakes, Head Salesman.”
“Chrissakes,” I said aloud.
“That’s right, Mr. Oates,” Tibbs said. I jumped a bit. He was right behind me. I hadn’t heard a thing.
“That’s right, Mr. Oates. Flames will burn up all the trees of the fields; even the animals will pant for you.”
I was starting to figure on some kind of a jackpot but Tibbs was blocking me in. I didn’t know where the hell to go.
“You read about this donkey, Tibbs?” I finally countered.
“OH YES! YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, and YES, MR. OAKES. WHAT A DELIGHT!”
Some more rye toast appeared on the counter. Tibbs brought it over to me and then bolted outside.
I could hear him out there.
“ALL YOU RAVENOUS CUNTS! YOU WANT A LITTLE TIBBS IN YOUR BASKET DON’T YOU? I’LL FIGHT ANYBODY.”
He nattered on insanely until finally a couple of detectives plowed up onto the curb and took him away.
I never did get my biscuits.
Ask Catrin
Catrin Lloyd-Bollard is an expert at answering questions.
Dear Ms. Catrin,
I use a gravy ladle to measure out brown sugar. The ladle fits perfectly into a measuring cup and I use the ladle bottom to tamp down the sugar so it’s packed.
The other day a friend saw me doing this and said, “You must be shit-all stupid using a god damn gravy ladle like that.”
I thought I was being really clever but what do you think?
Confused in the Kitchen
Hill Area
Dear Confused,
Once I got locked out on my roof and used a pair of tweezers to pick the lock and get back inside.
Ms. Catrin
Dear Ms. Catrin,
My husband and I were having some marital problems so we went to a counselor. The counselor told us to take an interest in each other’s hobbies. I’ve tried, Ms. Catrin, but it just makes me sick to go down to the dump and shoot at trash.
What should I do?
UNHAPPY IN OUTLANDS
Dear Unhappy,
Murder is usually an effective solution.
Yours truly,
Ms. Catrin
Dear Ms. Catrin,
So, you know, I was standing around the garage getting some tires put on my car and, you know, Gary, who is the mechanic, he kept dropping the tires and they’d roll away into a meadow, so he’d grab some other tires down from the wall and then he’d drop those too and after awhile, I noticed that every time he was dropping the tires, you know, he’d look at me, like, you know, up my skirt and all and now I’m thinking he really likes me.
Should I just, you know, let him keep dropping the tires and see what happens or what? I mean, I kind of have to get back to work, you know, but he is really good looking and he’s greasy which, you know, is kind of hot.
OK,
Gung Ho in the Garage (female)
Mercantile District
Dear Gung Ho,
Things like “work” should never get in the way of a potential romance. Let him keep dropping the tires and see where it goes. Also, if you could write back and let me know how many tires he dropped before anything happened, that would be great. I have a bet with another advice columnist.
With anticipation,
Ms. Catrin
OPINION: I’ve Been Smashed in the Neck by a 2 x 4 Before, I’ll Be Smashed in the Neck by a 2 x 4 Again
By Dick La Hoyt
TIMELY OPINIONS
Yeah, this here’s a message for that little dipshit that smashed me in the neck with a 2 x 4 yesterday at The Lumber Brouhaha. Guess what, shit for brains? I been crushed in the neck with a 2 x 4 before and I’ll sure as hell be crushed in the neck with a 2 x 4 again.
So, here’s what happened. You remember that sweet deck Dick La Hoyt built last Fall, right? Well, look– Tam thinks it’s the greatest thing since sliced bread. Just the other day, she was all like– “Oh, Dick, lounging around outside takes on a whole new meaning ever since you put up this motherfucker.” I’m flattered by the compliment, I really am, but I gotta’ tell you– to the seasoned eye, I’m starting to see some problems. There’s a little wobble in a couple of the boards and a bit of greying underneath over near one section. Dick La Hoyt don’t like it– not at all and I’ve been sizing up ripping the whole thing out and starting over. Tam’s all like, “OH MY GOD, DICK LA HOYT, there ain’t no reason for that” but I can’t live with it anymore. It’s gotta’ be fixed my way and so with that in mind, I head on down to see my buddy Chris at The Lumber Brouhaha.
Chris and me go way back to the old neighborhood. We used to chase tail back in the day, go on fishing trips and hang out at the old Lingus Nets arena. One time, we both got pretty damn lit and ended up pissing in some guy’s vegetable garden. Needless to say, we both got punched in the mouth. Not the first time and not the last, let me tell you what.
Anyway, Chris showed me some of the new stock they got down at the Brouhaha. Beautiful red oak they just got in and I started thinking maybe that was the way to go.
Well, the next thing you know this little guy comes out of nowhere and pinches my cart. It was a good one too– one of those nice orange ones with the double handles. Sure, I didn’t have nothing on it but it was only a couple of feet from me. This candy ass didn’t even ask or nothing.
“Hey man,” I called out. “That cart is SPOKEN FOR!”
“It don’t got your name on it anywhere,” the guy responded.
That did it. Dick La Hoyt don’t take no shit from anybody at The Lumber Brouhaha. You might as well be coming into my god damn living room and swiping my favorite recliner.
“YOU AND ME, WE’RE TAKING THIS OUTSIDE,” I hollered.
“GLADLY,” he said.
I led him to a little spot I knew of between the Brouhaha and that elegant reception hall or whatever that everybody’s always going on about.
I turned to face him and the next thing I know– BAM! I take a 2 x 4 right in the neck.
Chris was the one that found me.
“Jesus Christ, Dick,” he said. “You got a big ol’ red mark on your neck.”
“WHERE’S THAT HORSES’ ASS?” I called out.
“He put a bunch of lumber on that cart of yours. Paid and walked right out with it. That’s how come I knew to look for you– I knew that was your cart. That’s the one with them double handles.”
“GOD DAMN, RIGHT,” I said. I was having a hell of a time catching my breath.
“Want me to call Tam?” he said.
“Nah, I’ll be alright. Let me just lay here a minute.”
Chris sat with me. Me and him go way back.
Anyway, I just want to make sure that asshead knows that didn’t get one over on ol’ Dick La Hoyt. I been smashed in the neck with a 2 x 4 before and I’ll sure as the sun rises get smashed in the neck again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: I, River Dick
It was a muddy, debris-choked tributary of a much greater but unseen river. Several greying, dilapidated highway overpasses blotted out the sun. The trees along the banks were dead and gangly. But someone wanted it protected. They decided I was the man.
I, River Dick.
My interview took place in a forlorn trailer, littered with trash. The foreman was decidedly obese– his fat rolls could not be contained by his undersized, cheese-stained sweatshirt. He sat behind an overflowing clothes hamper. I sat on a stool. I suspected he lived here.
“You ever do any river dicking before?”
“Nope.”
“You ever done any carnival work?”
“Once”.
“OK. It’s like that.”
I was hired on the spot and issued a bright yellow pantsuit and a revolver. The first day passed without incident.
On the second day, some droids attempted to fill their pails under the overpass. I confronted them.
“You can’t fill those pails here.”
A long series of computational beeps ensued. One of the droids issued a small, printed-out index card. It read, “CHEESE OFF, HUMAN.”
I didn’t think twice about it. I blew them all away and buried them beneath some rocks.
On the third day, the foreman called me in.
“Did you kill some droids?”
“Yep. You know what– I don’t even feel bad about it.”
“Well, some guys at the lab feel bad about it. And they’re making me feel pretty damn bad about it too.”
“They egged me on. They were asking for it,” I added. “You know it, I know it, they know it.”
“That’s fine,” he said, after a long silence. “We’ll cover it up. Just go back along the banks and make sure the parts are pretty well-hidden.”
I did as I was told. But the parts were gone. The rest of the day passed without incident.
On the fourth day, the foreman called me in again. As I was approaching the trailer, I noticed something odd. There were tracks there, made by rolling droids. They led off towards the woods. There was an overhang there, covered by odd brush that didn’t belong. It was a setup. I was being sacrificed.
I hotwired the foreman’s pickup and headed for Lankville Beach.
I, River Dick.
Samways and Fick: Consultants, the Letter of Recommendation Experts
The letter of recommendation. The hallmark of a successful job application.
Did you know that 98% of letters of recommendation have been scientifically proven to be failures?* But what can you do? You have to ask someone in a position to write one– such as a current or former supervisor, a professor or mentor or a volleyball coach. But what do you do if these people can’t write? Or if they simply don’t have the time? Or if you waited way too long to ask and now they’re out coaching volleyball in some distant Lankville province? What can you do?
Thankfully, Samways and Fick: Consultants have created a “Letters of Recommendations” arm designed to fulfill all of your non-sexual letters of recommendation needs. We now have an entire stable of important-sounding individuals who will tailor a custom letter to fit your desired (non-sexual) position (non-sexual). Our experts will tirelessly refer to the job posting or job description to find your specific skills and knowledge that are included in the letter and are partially-guaranteed to make you a top-flight candidate. Some letters are even written by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick!**
Body of the Letter
Dr. Fick.
The body of your Samways and Fick Recommendation letter™ will reference your skills, qualities, areas of knowledge and other assets (non sexual) while stressing your vibrant personality, your enhanced people skills and how you look in an off-color pantsuit. Our experts will start by making a list of your strengths which you would like conveyed in your recommendation (limit ten strengths– after, $49.99 per additional strength).
Our experts will then compose sentences which include references that will make these assertions about your assets seem more credible. As these sentences mount they will become paragraphs. The magic of professional writing!
These assets might consist of a project or role where you successfully applied a certain skill. Citing accomplishments where value was added to your organization and describing the strengths which enabled you to generate these results can be particularly compelling. Any trophies or medallions you have won will be mentioned and perhaps photographed for use in our Samways and Fick Recommendation Letter Appendix™ which can be included with your letter for an additional fee.
Letter Closing
The closing of a Samways and Fick Recommendation letter™ is partially-guaranteed to send you out with a bang!
Dr. Samways
We may elect to mention that we would like to hire you. We might say something like, “if not for those fires that have been ravaging the Lankville Pines Area we would certainly hire [your name here].” We may include a positive statement about our belief that you would be an outstanding addition to any staff. If applicable, we may grade you physically– candidates with an 8 or higher on the dumper tend to fare better than those with a lower score.
At Samways and Fick: Consultants, we don’t believe in trite valedictions. Your letter will not conclude with worn out cliches like “kind regards”, “best wishes”, or “thanks again, what a great time that was.” At S&F, we have an entire stable of distinctive farewells. Everything from “lusciously yours” to “within the realms” and everything in between.
Contact us now.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
*-See Samways and Fick: 98% of Letters of Recommendation Have Been Scientifically Proven to Be Failures. “The Samways and Fick Journal”, No. 88, p. 265.
**- this is rare.
The Complete Brock Belvedere Death Notices
Brock Belvedere 1943-2016
April 12, 2016
Friends, I’m saddened to report that Brock Belvedere was electrocuted last night. He is currently in Room 065 (basement) at Greater Lankville Plains Less Expensive Hospital. I saw him this morning and he looked as good as could be expected. If you want to send him anything, I remember he once expressed great admiration for balloons, so that might be the best way to go. I’ll keep you posted.
April 13, 2016
An update on our friend Brock Belvedere, who was electrocuted last night.
I went back to see Brock this afternoon but he was not in his room. When I inquired at the darkened nurses’ stand, I was told that Brock had been “misplaced”. “We lost him,” the nurse said. “Sorry.” They hope to find Brock later this evening. Before he was misplaced, the nurse noted that he was feeling slightly better and that he even sat up in bed and drank a big soda.
I hope to have another update for you all in the morning.
April 13, 2016
Friends– an update on dear Brock Belvedere, who was electrocuted two days ago.
First off, Brock has been found!!! He was accidentally thrown away by an over-eager janitor and, fortunately, an intern came upon him, nestled in the bin on top of some discarded food. They cleaned him up and I’m happy to say, placed him in the only available room (which is in the psychiatric bad manners ward on the first floor). I brought Brock some breakfast cake this morning but he was still in a semi-conscious state, so I ended up eating the cake myself. Our dear friend looks better– his skin has a certain sheen that I appreciated but it is still very, very grey. I am hoping that the fluids they are pumping into Brock (strangely, three lines are going into his arms causing some visible swelling) will help him. I will have an update a little later.
April 14, 2016
Brock Belvedere ceremonial collectible keepsake.
Everyone– it is with deep sorrow that I must inform you that our dear friend Brock Belvedere has died.
Friends are invited to call at the Life Lessons Funeral Home (ceremonial collectible funeral keepsake attached) tomorrow and Friday from 1-3, 5-7, and 11-1.
Brock seemed to be improving this morning but I am told he took a turn for the worse after lunch. “His skin began to take on the color of a dried sponge,” one nurse noted. “He began to sort of fold in on himself,” another added.
He died at 2:16 LST.
Goodnight, friend.
April 14, 2016
Friends– an update on the viewing of dear Brock Belvedere, today and Friday at the Life Lessons Funeral Home.
Brock had a little cash in his wallet so, in accordance to what we think his wishes may have been, we decided to have a box lunch for his friends. We are taking orders now.
Lunch will be provided by the catering division of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. Below are the options:
-Turkey Club on a sliced decorative ham: Turkey, bacon ,swiss-like cheese, lettuce & tomato on a flaky decorative ham with fruit, chips, cookies and a bottled water.
-Honey Mustard Chicken: Marinated/grilled honey mustard filet on a sliced, crisp decorative ham with muenster-like cheese, whole real fruits, chips, cookies and a bottled water.
– The Vitiello Combo: Turkey, Swiss-like cheese, dijon-like mustard on a petite sliced and breaded decorative ham with cheddar-like cheese on the side, a fruit, chips, cake substance and a bottled water.
-Vegetables: Just a plate of mildly steamed vegetables, poorly presented (Vitiello Decorative Hams detests vegetarians).
Please RSVP your choice to Devon Fick using the “comment” option. As you can see (attached), I am keeping very careful track of the selections utilizing Excel Spreadsheets with complex summation formulas so that I can instantly tabulate final food totals.
God Bless our Friend.
April 14, 2016
Brock Belvedere Bereavement Frisbees
Friends– we now have a quantity of Brock Belvedere Bereavement Frisbees available. Remember our departed loved one with these flying discs made of durable environmentally-friendly cross-woven plastic. We only have orange right now. 9 1/4″ diameter (standard).
$12.99, 8 for $59.99.
RIP, dear friend.
April 15, 2016
Friends, the first viewing for Brock Belvedere was an unprecedented success. So many vivid memories, textures and feelings. I know we all had a wonderful time (especially at the 11-1 session).
Remember, if you couldn’t make it yesterday, you can still look at Brock’s lifeless body today from 1-3, 5-7, and 11-1 at the Life Lessons Funeral Home in the Southern Lankville Marshland Area. We have also set up a “Brock Belvedere Bereavement Shop” where you can pick up a number of terrific items including the Brock Belvedere “Thanks Brock” basketballs, the Bereavement Frisbees and the beer cozies. Plus, we’re offering a package deal. Get all three for just $29.99 (limited quantities, one per bereaved).
Scott Answers Your Pizza Questions
By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round
What happens if a person who orders for pizza delivery takes the pizza and refuses to pay?
Lance Speaker
Lankville Pine Basin
Dear Lance,
First off, Lance, nobody has ever “taken” a pizza from me and refused to pay. The pizza remains firmly wedged between my left hand (my delivery hand) and my left flank until the dollars have been counted out to MY satisfaction. Nobody touches a Round pizza until that transaction is complete.
I’ve heard it said that some pizzerias will simply take the pizza back to the restaurant. At worst, they might make a notation in their computer system– mark the deadbeat as a “non-payer”, something like that.
But that ain’t not how we do it at the Round.
Secondly, you pull that shit with us, and that’ll be the last pizza you ever order in the Northern Suburbs. And I don’t just mean from the Round. I mean from anybody. I’ll personally see to that. Go ahead, Lance. Try me.
SCOTT
Is it ethical to order a delivery pizza when it’s raining?
Buck Igloos
Snowy Lake Area
Dear Buck,
You ever hear about that little creed that the Lankville post offices have got? The one about delivering in the rain, sleet and snow?
Well, the Round goes one better. We’ve delivered in rain, sleet and snow, sure. But we’ve also delivered in tornadoes, dust storms, super squirrel infestations, trash blows and even hurricanes.
Frankly, I don’t know where the hell these questions are even coming from.
SCOTT
Why don’t more pizza places offer stuffed crust pizza?
Billy Choppy
Lankville Outlands
Dear Billy,
Now here’s something that I got an opinion on after 20 years in the business.
Look, stuffed crust seems like a breathtaking advancement, I know. But the thing is- it ruins the crust. I view the crust as the oasis of a pizza, if you will. It’s a little break after all that cheese and sauce. It mixes it up. Now, you put sauce and cheese inside the crust and what do you have? You got overkill, that’s what.
Plus, it’s a grade-A pain in the ass to make. My guys at the Round ain’t no good at it– they don’t have the spatial thinking skills that are required. Very few do. I do but that’s rare, man. As rare as a shimmering diamond popping out of the ass of some deep cave. Stuffed crust don’t pay the bills, man.
SCOTT
Scott will continue to answer your pizza questions in further issues.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
It had been a couple of weeks sleeping on a cot in the office of the towels by the pound joint when the crazy old broad that owned the place came in one morning.
“My husband died on that cot,” she said.
“Yeah? Somebody died just about near everywhere. What’s the difference?”
“I’ve got a room for you at the Murray. We’ll take it off your pay.”
I didn’t argue none.
I drove myself downtown in the ancient old car with the big rusted fins off the back. It was a five-story brick structure of another era but they had fashioned one of them angular neon signs out front and had fixed up a little cafe next to the office.
The owner was a friendly-looking older guy with a beard and a booming laugh who was already a little bit drunk.
“You Murray?”
“NO SIR! MY NAME IS FRANKLIN TIBBS! I BOUGHT THIS VERY HOTEL FROM THE MURRAY FAMILY. WHY, THEY ALL WENT IN FOR THE GOVERNMENT TRAINING PROGRAM! WHAT A DELIGHT!”
“You got a place on an end? Overlooking something? Maybe a little cross breeze?”
“WHY, ABSOLUTELY! WE HAVE A DELIGHTFUL ROOM FOR YOU MR. OATES. THE VERY TOP FLOOR!” He gave out a thunderous laugh that I couldn’t figure on none and took a sip from a gold flask that was shaped like a bowling pin.
Then he handed me a key on a plastic fob.
We took an elevator up. There was a sullen teenage kid dressed in a bellhop’s getup. He threw the gate and pushed one of the numbers.
“THIS IS GUMP! MY SON! GUMP, MEET MR. OATES. HE IS EMPLOYED AT THE TOWELS BY THE POUND CONCERN! WHY, MR. OATES, THE MURRAY BUYS ALL ITS TOWELS FROM YOUR DELIGHTFUL ESTABLISHMENT!!!”
The kid didn’t say anything and the elevator lurched and started going up slowly.
“You like them towels by the pound, huh, Tibbs?”
“OH YES! MY GOODNESS! THEY ARE AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT, MR. OTTS!”
The elevator spilled out onto a depressing hallway decorated in dark greens and browns. There was a shit-colored carpet on the floor and strange paintings depicting women dressed in aprons and holding up kitchen appliances. There was no merit to any of it.
“WHY, HERE WE GO, MR. OTTS! ROOM 526! THIS IS, IF I MAY SAY SO, A DELIGHTFUL ROOM! WHY, JUST SEE FOR YOURSELF!!!”
The door swung wide revealing an ordinary bed, nightstand, brown wagon wheel rug and peeling green wallpaper.
Tibbs took a hefty swig from the flask.
“Mr. Otts,” he said in a low voice. “Have you ever spun a wheel of fortune?”
“What?”
“NEVER MIND, MR. OTTS!” Suddenly, Tibbs bent over at the waist and started laughing in his weird, booming way.
When he finally stopped, he stood up and wiped his eyes with a handkerchief.
“OH MY, MR. OAKES. OH MY! WHAT A DELIGHT!”
“What the hell’s so delightful, Tibbs?” I put down my battered paper shitcase of tattered clothes.
“LIFE, MR. OAKES. LIFE IS JUST…SUCH A DELIGHT. DON’T YOU THINK? WHY, LOOK AT THE BIRDS OUTSIDE, MR. OAKES!”
He pulled me over to a muslin-curtained window and threw up a yellowed roller shade. There was nothing but a cracked parking lot and a fire escape out there.
“WHY, IF YOU LOOK CAREFULLY, MR. OAKES, YOU WILL SEE THE BELTED KINGFISHER SO COMMON TO OUR REGION. LOOK!”
I thought about letting him know that there wasn’t anything out there but I ditched the idea.
“Yep, look at that Tibbs. Hell of a thing.”
“OH YESSSSSSSS! IT IS AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT.” He emptied the flask in one final paroxysmal swill.
He pitched the flask into a dark corner. “I WILL FIGHT ANYBODY AT ANY TIME!”
“Alright, Tibbs. Alright. Let me get some rest, wouldja?”
“OF COURSE, MR. OATES. OF COURSE. I TRUST YOU FIND THE ROOM TO YOUR LIKING?”
“It’s a good damn palace, sure.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH, WHAT A DELIGHT! WHAT A DELIGHT!”
I made sure the door was double-locked after he left.
OPINION: TURN AROUND IN TONY PEPPERONY’S DRIVEWAY AND YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF WITH A TIRE UP YOUR ASS
By Tony Pepperony
TONY PEPPERONY LIVES ON A NICE, QUIET DEAD END STREET.
PEOPLE, SEE, SOMETIMES THEY DON’T PAY NO ATTENTION AND THEY DON’T REALIZE IT’S A DEAD END STREET. SO, THEY GOTTA’ TURN AROUND, SEE? SO, THEY PICK SOMEBODY’S DRIVEWAY TO TURN AROUND IN.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU RIGHT NOW: YOU PICK TONY PEPPERONY’S DRIVEWAY TO TURN AROUND IN AND YOU MIGHT FIND YOURSELF WITH A TIRE UP YOUR ASS.
MADGE AND I SPEND A LOT OF TIME ON THE PEBBLE LINER THAT RUNS UP EITHER SIDE OF THE DRIVEWAY TO THE GARAGE. CHRIST, TONY PEPPERONY HAS BEEN KNOWN TO BRING A GOD DAMN BIG DIGITAL LEVEL OUT TO MAKE SURE IT’S EVEN. HELL, TONY PEPPERONY’S EVEN BEEN KNOWN TO TAKE AN ARIEL SHOT FROM THE ROOF JUST SO’S HE CAN BE A HUNDRED PER CENT CERTAIN. AND IF YOU THINK IT’S EASY TO CLIMB UP ON THE ROOF AT MY AGE, WELL, ASSHOLE, THINK AGAIN. GO TO HELL.
NOW, LAST NIGHT, SOME GUY THAT WRITES FOR THIS VERY PAPER, TURNED AROUND IN MY DRIVEWAY. HE DISTURBED ALL THE PEBBLES. THERE WERE PEBBLES IN THE GRASS. NOW, TONY PEPPERONY CAN’T STAND TO SEE THAT. PEBBLES BELONG IN THE PEBBLE BED, IN THE PEBBLE LINER, NOT IN THE GOD DAMN GRASS.
NOW, THIS GUY THAT WRITES FOR THIS VERY PAPER, HE SAYS HE’S COMING OVER WITH HIS PEBBLE RAKE LATER ON. WHO EVER HEARD OF A PEBBLE RAKE? I THINK THIS GUY IS SHINING ME ON. HE THINKS HE’S GOT TONY PEPPERONY FIGURED OUT BUT HE AIN’T GOT TONY PEPPERONY FIGURED OUT. I GOT HIM FIGURED OUT. THAT’S THE NATURE OF THIS GOD DAMN EQUATION.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, TONY PEPPERONY FIXED HIS OWN PEBBLE BED.
SO, OF ALL OF YOU, I ASK– WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? TONY PEPPERONY?
I THINK NOT.
The opinions of Tony Pepperony are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
OPINION: I’ve Been Kicked in the Face Before, I’ll Be Kicked in the Face Again
Yeah, this here’s a message for that little retard down at Climax Auto Parts on Route 71. Guess what, asshole? I’ve been kicked in the face before and I’ll sure as shit be kicked in the face again.
Let me tell you what went down. So, I’m just in there to pick up a couple of new cabin air filters for my ’09 Neptune Steed– let me tell you something right now–the interior of a Dick La Hoyt truck is so clean you could god damn eat off it. Anyway, I’m just minding my own business, checking out a sale they got going on hot shine tire spray, when all the sudden this little piece of fucking shit just reaches in front of me and grabs the EXACT spray bottle that I was eyeing up. I couldn’t believe my god damn eyes.
So, I’m like, “hey buddy, that there bottle is SPOKEN FOR.” He looks at me a second and then he’s like, “alright, I’ll grab another one.” And the sonuvabitch puts back my spray bottle and grabs the one next to it.
I just about lost it. “HEY MAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THESE BOTTLES AIN’T SPOKEN FOR? What in the hell gives you THE RIGHT?”
“Listen,” he says. “There’s plenty of tire spray for everyone.”
THAT DID IT.
“WE’RE TAKING THIS SHIT OUTSIDE,” I said. “DICK LA HOYT’S GONNA’ TEACH YOUR STUPID ASS A LESSON.”
“Listen- I’m not a fighter, man,” he says. “Why don’t we just pay for our stuff and go our separate ways?”
“LISTEN HERE, CHICKENSHIT,” I said. “IT EITHER GOES DOWN OUTSIDE OR IT GOES DOWN RIGHT HERE IN THE EXTERIOR CARE PRODUCTS AISLE.”
And then the next thing I know, the guy floors me with a roundhouse kick to the face.
When I woke up, I was on a stool and Bert, my buddy that runs the register, handed me a cup of water.
“WHERE’S THAT HORSE’S ASS?” I said.
“He’s gone. Dick, that guy had some moves. That kick came out of nowhere. You were out before you hit the floor.”
Maybe. But I just want that god damn half-pint to know it and know it good. Dick La Hoyt has been kicked in the face before and as sure as the sun is gonna’ set, he’ll be kicked in the face again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
National Gallery of Lankville Art to Exhibit Rare Painting
By Charles A. Pappas
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A rare painting by Linda Ten Boom, Lankville’s best-known artist, will be exhibited for the first time in over twenty years, sources are confirming.
“The Candy Hamlet”, painted in 1959, has been shown only twice since it was acquired by a private collector in 1965.
“It’s an extraordinary vision,” noted head curator Chet Lemons. “It may be said to belong to Ten Boom’s “Pink Maudlin Period” but really it is its own singular creation.”
The Candy Hamlet, 1959.
“The Candy Hamlet” will be exhibited for one month only before returning to a private collection. Tickets are already sold out for the first three weeks.
“I remember when Mom painted “The Candy Hamlet,”, said Ten Boom’s oldest son Kent. “She had just completed a long period of dark, tortured religious work, much of it drawing on her obsessions with Eastern Lankville Plains iconography. And then, suddenly, this glittering, sugary candy village came out of nowhere. I remember my sister and I were transfixed.”
“It remains my favorite of Mom’s work,” Ten Boom added after a long silence.
Ten Boom (1919-1962) has permanent exhibitions at several Lankville galleries. “There is no question, she is a modernist master,” noted Lemons. “Our greatest 20th century painter.”
Art lovers may contact the National Gallery of Lankville for more information (after 10 pm). Limited tickets for the final week of the exhibition are still available.
Photo of Schropp in Tux Fetches Big Price at Auction
By Bobby Pinewood
A rare photo of Lankville Daily News contributor Brian Schropp wearing a tuxedo fetched a high price at an auction held last night in the Central Lankville Showy Suburban Area, sources are confirming.
The $90,000 photograph.
A noted collector is believed to have paid $90,000 for the image.
“It’s the only known photo of Schropp wearing a tuxedo. And he looks really miserable. Everyone just loved it,” said auctioneer Brad Arrangements.
An event photographer snapped the famous image at a 1995 wedding.
“I remember being somewhat displeased with the culinary offerings,” Schropp noted in an interview held outside the Pizza A-Round late last night. “It is falsely assumed that pizza does not belong at a wedding. My entire life’s work has been about contesting this stilted worldview.”
Schropp paused to watch some trash suddenly blow in from the east.
“I am lusciously delighted though that somebody would pay that much for my picture. I have a number of other pictures that people might like. There are a lot of shots of my Dad and I sitting around various birthday cakes. Perhaps they would be of interest?”
After a pause to watch more trash blow in from the east, Schropp was told they would not be of interest.
“Well, it’s still a delight,” the food critic averred.
OPINION: I’m Jolly Roger, and I’m Jolly Well Going to Rape and Pillage Along the Coast of Lankville this Spring
Did you ever notice that no one ever uses the word “pillage” without appending said word to its cousin, “rape”? The Oxford English Dictionary defines “pillage” as “The action or an act of plundering, sacking, or looting a place, esp. in war; depredation, robbery. In early use also: extortion; unjust taxation or exaction (obs.).” “Rape,” meanwhile, can mean “The act of taking something by force; esp. the seizure of property by violent means; robbery, plundering. Also as a count noun: an instance of this, a robbery, a raid.” More commonly, in our modern usage, of course, it means “the act or crime, committed by a man, of forcing a woman to have sexual intercourse with him against her will, esp. by means of threats or violence. In later use more generally: the act of forced, non-consenting, or illegal sexual intercourse with another person; sexual violation or assault.”
Words matter. Their definitions matter, too.
I’m a married man myself. I don’t care for nonconsensual sexual intercourse; most of the year I live quietly with my wife and children, along with our two dogs, in a secluded cove in the Southern Exotic Islands. Occasionally I take the boys out and we throw the odd stone at a Caramel Dragon. That’s about the most exciting, and, from an ethical standpoint, questionable thing that we ever get up to at home.
But I’m a pirate. So when spring comes I don’t stand on ceremony, or engage in sophistry or euphemism. No pirate has ever gotten anywhere by shouting, as he jumps from the poop deck to the gangway and from the gangway to the gangplank, boarding his victims’ ship, “Avast ye! I’m here to extort you by unjust taxation!” So I rape. And I pillage. In that order.
You see, when I board that ship and set sail over the Lankville Straits to the Partial Icy Regions, and I catch sight of you through the “spyglass,” to me you are not a fellow citizen or sailing enthusiast enjoying the fine spring weather we enjoy in these parts, taking your ease on a boat or at the beach; you are a “landlubber,” a “scalawag,” a “picaroon”; depending on age and gender, you may also be a “strumpet” or a “wench.”
And you had better believe I will treat you as such.
Indeed, I’ll not be “hornswaggled” out of what’s rightfully mine. So you can expect lots of raping, and lots of pillaging. When that’s done, you can expect to “dance the hempen jig” and sleep in “Davy Jones’ locker.” That’s just the way it is. I didn’t invent these terms, and I didn’t make up the rules. When you’re at home, you don’t “pillage” the icebox (I hope!); you open it, select what you want, your cheese and bread and beverage, and then you close it again. I do, too.
But in spring, when the days get longer and my sails grow full with a nice warm breeze, well, then it’s a different story altogether: I’m jolly well going to rape and pillage. I’ll do it cheerfully, indiscriminately, and not without (I hope!) some kindness and humility. And if there’s time, I might even get in some plundering, too.
Is it Safe to Eat Snow? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
By Zach Keebaugh
So, I was hanging around the knives and puzzles shop the other day and some bozo was talking about making snow ice cream. Apparently, you collect the shit in a bowl, drop some eggs, cream, and sugar on top and BOOM– you got yourself a bowl of tightwad dessert.
But is it safe? I aimed to find out.
I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.
I asked Bill Honks, chemist at the Yarny Woods Area University what would happen if we were to package snow and put it on grocery store shelves– what would we have to put on the ingredient list?
“Primarily water,” he said, “but also “various and sundry things depending on where it comes from.”
“Yo, let’s dispense with the fancy pants cap and gown crap,” I said. “What else?”
“Well, Zach, depending on what part of Lankville we’re talking about, there could be things like sulfates, nitrates, old electronic parts, or mercury. There are a number of variables.”
“It is safe?” I probed. This glorified pharmacist was dodging me– I could tell.
“In moderation, Zach. I mean, I wouldn’t be going outside eating snow all day but in moderation…”
“Yo, that’s my plan, man. All snow diet, scientist. I’m gonna’ be wolfing that fucking snow like a nun sweats in a cucumber patch, chump.”
He seemed confused and went back to his little bullshit pipettes or whatever. I knew there was more to the story.
So I rented a car and drove over to the Eastern Peninsula Area. Arranged a little chit chat with my boy Elliatt Conroy, a researcher who studies water resources and climate change at Peninsula Poorer College.
“Zach, it’s better to wait until a few hours into the snowfall to gather up your snow. Remember, snow acts like a kind of atmospheric “scrub brush”, if you will. The longer the snow falls, the lower the pollution levels in the air, and thus in the snow.”
“Yo, that’s not what this Honks guy was telling me. He was laying down a real dodge, man.”
“Well, Zach, I can’t imagine why. The one thing I would note is that you should be extra vigilant if the snowfall is accompanied by wind. Remember, when snow falls to within a few meters of the ground, it gets mixed with soil that’s blowing around. Whether that makes the snow unsafe to eat depends entirely on what’s in the soil.”
“What if it’s snowing and there’s also a tornado?” I probed. “One of those grim motherfuckers that comes out of the plains, throwing meteorological shade all over the god damn place?”
“Well, I suppose that would be an example of when it might be unsafe to eat snow, Zach.”
I nodded knowingly.
So, there you have it Lankville– scientific proof up the asshole. But if you want to know this reporter’s opinion– don’t be a piker, standing around trying to catch snow in some bowl your mama gave you. Just go buy some ice cream, yo!
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK