Archive
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: It Was Orange…and Emitted Vapors!
By Ric Royer
When I first saw the Thing, it was throwing a car into a ravine. It stood as tall as a large building, its center completely amorphous. It emitted an eerie yellow vapor and it appeared to have the strength of something superhuman– indeed, when it was done with the car-hurling it moved to a nearby train trestle and crushed it easily with its fist.
This girl I was seeing and occasionally having boring intercourse with, let out a loud scream. LOOK AT THAT HORRIBLE THING! LOOK AT IT! I laughed and stared her down. There was an old clamshell bucket that someone had left to rust by a barn. “Go sit in that,” I told her. She did as I said.
The next thing was to figure out how to bring the orange beast down. A piece of paper blew against my shin. I picked it up– would it yield a clue to the mystery of the terrible monster? And I read: “it also has 2 fish crates with fish in them! Just add a delivery figure and you have a great delivery scene…” I tore it apart in frustration. And then the beast was upon me.
Artist’s rendering
Later, I would realize how lucky I was. If not for that senseless hole, I would certainly have perished. I climbed in and waited until the monster had satiated his mad, violent desires by destroying a series of nearby homes. Then he went away, I think. I don’t care really.
After that, I traveled into the Lankville back country– an area called “the Forest Quarter”. There were a series of fallen towns that had been destroyed during the Depths War; bereft stone walls and a series of windowless parish houses were all that remained. I stopped at a graveyard– the stones had mostly been lifted and replaced with little advertising placards. Still, I was able to locate several relatives. I didn’t know or remember any of them and yet, it was calming to stand there, reading my last name again and again.
I was suddenly hungry. Although nothing lived in this ancestral town, I managed to find a Pappy’s Chicken on the outskirts. I ordered a bucket. The guy behind the counter asked about the orange monster.
“You don’t wanna’ know about that fucking shit,” I said, allowing the chicken grease to run down my chin. “You’re better off right here. That thing is a nightmare.”
I ordered some fries.
“Just regular fries?” the guy asked.
“Yep. Fix ’em up in bacon fat, would you?”
“I can do that. We don’t have napkins, I’ll warn you now. But there’s a little pond out back.”
“Yeah, fine.”
The guy put on a little TV. Nothing came in from the cities.
I finished off the chicken and then went to the pond. Night came.
Pondicherry: “I’m a Levi-Straussian Totemist…and a Gay Bozo”
By Larry “God” Peters
Following several hours of television and restrained puzzles, hospitalized President Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. entertained Lankville Daily News reporters with exploits of his intellectual adventures.
“Well, I’m a Levi-Straussian totemist, of course,” said Pondicherry, who also spent the morning snapping bras and creating complex messes in the nurse’s station. “In the Manido System, we have eagles, geese and the chthonian snakes. Sometimes birds are invoked in my special breed of sexual totemism. The woodpecker and the superb warbler become symbols of how my sex and my liquids of life relate to the plant kingdom.”
Blurry image of President Pondicherry
“I’m also a gay bozo,” the President added.
When pressed further about this comment, Pondicherry immediately alighted on the subject of brush piles. “Have you seen the new offerings from the Hadbawnik Company? They have ascended to the apogee of their business with these new piles– it is a splendid, towering achievement.”
After wolfing down a carafe of viscous coffee and a plate of steamed little pizzas, Pondicherry continued. “In the sexual totemist world, the sorcerer (who is Me) exhibits a tamed animal as proof of his power. The animal then lends its services to the sorcerer, by becoming a spy and finding out which of the upstarts has the most exuberant member. If a masculine totem becomes injured in this manner, for example, if a tent collapses, then the entire sexual group feels insulted and a dispute will likely ensue.”
Pondicherry then requested an additional plate of little pizzas but was denied by a surly nurse. “Ah, but I strapped her bra earlier,” he said, confidently. “She will not deny me later.”
The President refused to answer questions about his health, referring to such inquiries as “meatless bagatelles” and “streamless micturations”.
He is expected to be released sometime next week.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Bimbi and the Challenge at the Counter
By Ric Royer
File photo
She was a bimbi straight out of the continent. We met in a cafe– I was reading a copy of Behind Enthusiast. Right out in public– I didn’t give a shit.
“Would you like to walk by the old churchyard?” she asked.
“Let’s make it quick,” I said and I showed her the new shorts I had just purchased and their tendency to ride up on the thigh.
“Yes, that must be uncomfortable,” she said. I crushed my lips to hers suddenly. “Forget about the shorts,” I whispered sensuously.
Later, we went for that walk. There was a little wall there but no yard to be seen. I made a comment.
“Yes, there used to be a lovely verdant churchyard here,” she said as the sun glinted off her coiffed auburn hair. “But after a time, the people, they said, no, and then they said , oh fuck this crap, we’ve had enough of this crap and then the yard was plowed over in favor of this cracked asphalt and weed combination that you see today.”
“Must’ve been sad,” I said. Secretly though, I admired the cracked asphalt-weed combination.
“Yes. Yes, it was terribly. I don’t believe that my mother, an immigrant from the Northern Hole Area, ever got over it.”
We walked on and eventually came upon a Pappy’s Chicken. I was suddenly starving.
“Hey, you wanna’ get a 24-piece? Maybe go out into the woods with it?”
She looked at the ground. “No…no…I will wait here.”
It took forever. While in line, I was suddenly challenged by another patron. We fought around back with clubs that had been set on fire at both ends. I came away victorious but with a terrible mark on the forehead. Plus, I had to buy the 24-piece all over again. “I told you to set it aside,” I yelled. But the fucker at the front counter played dumb. I knew he’d have at the bucket as soon as I left.
“I’m sorry,” I said to the bimbi.
“It was a challenge,” she said and shrugged her shoulders. From somewhere, she produced a moistened cloth. “Come back to my room.”
By candlelight, the bimbi nursed me back to health. I admired some paintings that were flanking a battered bureau.
“Those were done by my mother. They are meant to reflect the difficulties of immigrant life in Lankville.”
“I like the yellows,” I offered. I closed my eyes and listened to the trickle of water in the basin.
“Think of things besides the fire clubs,” she whispered.
“I won that challenge. You know that.”
“There are no winners in a challenge. Look at the paintings again.”
They seemed suddenly transformed. The figures had changed, were far more grotesque than before. One was holding a pizza.
“That is what I see when I see Lankville. That is what my mother saw.”
I was beginning to understand.
Nevertheless, we had intercourse.
Columnist Thurston Makes Miraculous Recovery from Fugue
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Lankville Daily News correspondent Dr. Kevin Thurston (expert on men’s feelings) made a miraculous recovery last night from a rare coma-like condition known as a psychogenic fugue. The therapist and writer is expected back to work tomorrow.
“He was on death’s door. We thought he might be dead,” said the presiding doctor, an island person. “It is very rare for someone to recover from this.”
Thurston was observed sitting up in bed, laughing at some gentle, restrained riddles and eating from a tray of chuck.
“He’s doing real well, just looking forward to getting back, writing about men’s feelings,” said his brother, who then offered this reporter a used portable carpet sweeper for $9.99. “He loves to be out there, servicing men.”
Thurston has been penning the column Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston since 2013.
President Pondicherry Emerges Screaming from Pile of Girly Pillows
By Salty Cubbes The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Sedentary Reporter
File Photo
President Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. has been hospitalized after an incident which occurred early this morning at the Presidential Palace. He is expected to fully recover.
Around 4 AM, Pondicherry was discovered by his man-servant, attempting to emerge from a mountain of girly pillows which had somehow engulfed his bed, creating a dark abyss that nearly suffocated the executive. “The man-servant assured us that he had never seen the pillows before,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the scene. “Further, we were assured that they were not part of the Presidential pillow collection and they were, frankly, not the type of pillows that were suitable for an older, unattractive bachelor,” added Gee-Temple.
Interviews were conducted at the Palace and while five servants were executed as a precaution, it is not believed that the incident was orchestrated by anyone within the Presidential coterie.
Pondicherry is expected to be released today.
Royer to Open Eight Pretzel Kiosks by 2015
By Larry “God” Peters The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Just one day after announcing his foray into the icynene spray-foam business, incarcerated executive Ric Royer has also gone public with his intent to open eight pretzel kiosks by 2015.
“We have an excess of blank snack spaces in Lankville,” explained Royer in an interview held beside his new van. “It occurred to me that the ideal thing would be to go ahead and open the kiosks. I’ve always liked pretzels.”
The kiosks will be placed outside of key Pondicherry Association arenas and will also vend nachos, cottons [sic] candies and frosted nuts.
“I bought the supplies today,” said Royer, who asked to be quoted using his “magical name” which he then forgot to provide. “I opted for the 18×18 “Simplex” Humidified Pretzel Warmer. You should see this beautiful specimen. Holds over 40 jumbo pretzels, 120 volts of raw power lights the interior, hand-rubbed stainless steel exterior, cap tube thermometer. It’s an absolute wonder.”
“Some people will tell you that you get can away with Sterno,” added Royer. “That’s a canard. The humidified display case is far superior to a non-humidified unit because the humidity keeps the pretzel soft, warm and yielding– fresh for the longest period of time. The texture will be greater and the electronic controls will allow for mistake-free operation as I know that I’ll probably be employing a lot of monstrous island immigrants as employees. The controls will be my fail-safe.”
Royer also purchased several “Pralinators”, a device that cooks frosted nuts. “I went with the 12 volt,” continued Royer. “OK, here, we’re talking six pounds of product per hour. Stainless steel frame exterior, additional hookups for automatic frosters. A gorgeous mechanism.”
“I can’t wait to get started,” Royer added, following a long, eerie silence.
Fick Committed to Insane Asylum
By Hugh G. Pickens The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Semi-portable electronic typing machine magnate Fick has been committed to an insane asylum, sources are now confirming.
“We responded after we finished our lunch to a call for a man in distress,” stated Detective Gee-Temple. “Upon our arrival at the scene, we found Fick wandering pantsless around a coppice. We screamed at him for awhile but it didn’t seem to help, so we took him in.”
It was unclear at press time where Fick was institutionalized. Calls placed to his gloomy heath mansion were answered by a loud halfwit.
Royer to Open Icynene Foam Installation Business
By Larry “God” Peters The Lankville Action News YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Incarcerated executive and businessman Ric Royer announced today that he will open an Icynene Foam Installation Business next month.
Royer, who gave a brief press conference while crouching in front of a basket of magazines, stated that the business will be called “Sprayboys”.
“It has been my desire to assist the people of Lankville with spraying foam all over their houses,” noted Royer, who was dressed in a bathrobe, bathing suit and knee-high socks. “Icynene foams [sic] is the way of the future. It maximizes efficiency, allows for moisture control and can be spewed and blasted all over the place,” Royer added.
Icynene foam is a spray-on form of insulation commonly used in homes and businesses. Its history is unknown. “It just appeared one day, like things sometimes do,” stated Lankville historian Rufus Potts. “It’s as though it was a gift from a benevolent God who wanted things better insulated,” added Potts, who collapsed shortly thereafter in the back of a dimly-lit burrito restaurant.
Royer expects “Sprayboys” to begin business for the upcoming winter.
Tito Presentation: 1967-2013
By Hugh G. Pickens The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Pondicherry Association News reporter Tito Presentation is dead. The journalist was 46.
“Mr. Presentation was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the death scene. “We are seeing more and more of these challenges and although we know little about them or why they occur, we intend to get to the bottom of the matter.”
“The challenge came early this morning,” said Presentation’s girlfriend Nikki, who was judged to be very stupid but with Grade-A tits. “Tito went out to the field and that’s where the challenge occurred. I didn’t see anything but the waving of the tall grasses and the darkening of the skies. I knew then.”
When asked who or what challenged Presentation, Nikki threw her arms in the air accentuating her cuddly, mound-like protuberances. “These challenges are just a complete mystery,” she added.
“It’s definitely a scourge and it’s getting worse,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “They [the challenges] also yield few, if any clues other than a body. Even the markings on the corpse are confusing– everything is absolutely unclear.”
Gee-Temple paused to sign some papers on a clipboard and study a small wooden storage box for crafts that was offered for sale.
“I thought my wife might like it. But the condition is poor,” he said to no one in particular.
Tito Presentation had been reporting on life in Lankville since 1998.
Royer Introduces New Dog, Claims He is a Vampire
By Marles Cundiff
Lankville Lakes Region Attache
File photo
Incarcerated executive Ric Royer introduced his new dog, a gorgeous collie, at a press conference held today at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. He then stated that the dog is also a vampire.
“He’s a vampire mostly in the evenings,” said Royer, who was wearing a thin, muslin robe with a hard, chocolate-colored outer covering. “The body of an antic gravedigger, killed during the war and forced to walk the earth in a vampiric state, has taken over this dog. I have to be very careful at sundown.”
When asked if this was the sort of terrible perturbation that made owning the pet intolerable, Royer leaned over and stroked the dog’s haunches lovingly. “No, no. I could never part with Mr. Chops.”
Royer claims that Mr. Chops is kept locked in a secure coffin during the night and is fed the blood of dead Foontz-Flonnaise patients intravenously.
“By morning, he exhibits the energy of a jackrabbit– ready for long walks about the grounds.”
Mr. Chops sat stupidly by the executive’s side during the press conference, staring languidly and emptily at the assembly.
Royer, who has been incarcerated for over a year, is expected to be released this fall.
Anthropomorphic “Fixin’s” Bar is New Pizzas Mascot
By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
File Photo
An anthropomorphic “fixin’s” bar with eyes and a mouth was unveiled today as the new Small Pizzas hockey club mascot, sources are now reporting.
The mascot, known as “Fixin’s”, was instantly popular with the few fans invited to attend the ceremony.
“I loved him. I thought he was great,” said a fan who was later revealed to be a blathering idiot. “He had little containers with sauces, pepperonis, different cheeses, veggies– oh, it was just great. JUST GREAT.”
The fan continued his incessant nattering and the weather outside grew dark and bleak and the atmosphere in the stifling conference room was heavy with something grim and unmentionable. At the suggestion of authorities, we slowly got the idiot into an elevator, rode down with him as the machine grumbled unwillingly, walked with him outside, feigning interest under deeply forbidding skies and lured him into an unfinished housing community where we were finally able to brain him with some two by fours.
It was a long process after that. Hail, the size of bottles, commenced falling and we could feel the anger of a maniacal god. We raced on towards something unseen, towards something unknown, through deep, thick-walled cellars in ancient houses. We chained ourselves to the stone walls, threw dirt in each other’s faces, trying desperately to excise the demons. There was no hope for us, though. We knew it.
When we returned to ground level we could see a redness in the air like nothing that had ever been before. Someone mentioned that ancient dead races had once spoken of this red but we no longer had computers, nor libraries– only our memories and these grew fainter by the minute. It was a harried time out there in the red woods. We felt the ground to be soaked in blood. We saw the monolith.
We are still wandering.
Buckets Dundee: 1962-2013
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
Senior Staff Writer
Veteran Lankville political commentator Buckets Dundee has died. He was 51.
“I came home and I could feel that death had permeated, that death had visited,” said Dundee’s wife Leslie, a pretty blonde with better than average tits and a reasonably firm, white ass. “I called out, Death? and then Buckets? as though I expected both to answer. But neither did.”
The cause of Dundee’s death is unknown.
A small, restrained service was planned and then immediately cancelled.
Royer: “I’ve Been Crying in the Van”
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Incarcerated executive and businessman Ric Royer stated yesterday that he has been frequently crying in his new van.
“It came upon me suddenly,” noted Royer, who was interviewed beside the van at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “It was a stark, unforeseen realization of a terrible loss and it hit me with ungodly, elephantine force. I have been putting the back seats down and just crying and crying.”
Royer would not elaborate on the nature of the loss.
“That’s just between me and those back seats,” he noted.
When asked if the loss had something to do with his incarceration, Royer demurred.
“Absolutely not. These lumpen patients, these lumpens– they have no effect on me. This is a much greater, spiritual sort of loss. When you believe that you have found a certain quantity of love in the cosmos…you…and…”
Royer suddenly became distracted by the arrival of a pizza delivery truck. He wandered towards it and the interview was ended prematurely.
New Evidence Emerging on Disappearance of Plantains’ Meyer
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo
New evidence is slowly emerging on the disappearance of former hockey club owner and fried plantain magnate Shane Meyer, sources are now confirming. Meyer was presumed killed in a tire-house fire last August.
“We have some new juicy morsels of an interesting nature,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, currently in charge of the case. “Some family photographs have emerged and we discovered a previously unknown sister who has revealed some luscious tidbits. So, we feel confident that a conclusion will be forthcoming.”
Gee-Temple would not elaborate, however Meyer’s sister, speaking under condition of anonymity, consented to a brief interview with The Pondicherry Association News.
Meyer family, 1982. Shane is pictured second from right.
BB: Tell us a little about yourself.
S: You Know the apartments?
BB: Oh, yes, of course.
S: Yeah, I manage them.
BB: So, can you tell us anything about Shane’s disappearance?
S: Shane and I don’t have a lot of contact. He disapproves of my lifestyle with the apartments and I disapprove of plantains. Nevertheless, I got an unsigned letter about a month ago that appeared to be in his handwriting.
BB: What did it say?
S: It just said some nasty things about the apartments. I knew then that it was Shane.
BB: Do you think he faked his death?
S: Maybe. You’ll have to wait to hear what Geez-Temples [sic] says.
BB: What does Aunt Pam think? Everybody really wants to know what’s going on with Aunt Pam. (Belvedere began gyrating lewdly).
S: Aunt Pam disapproves of the apartments. And I disapprove of her craft-stuffed home. We don’t speak.
BB: You tell Aunt Pam that I have no problem crafting it up. Any time, any place. Hell, I’ll craft it up in a pile of garbage if Aunt Pam’s there.
S: Alright.
The interview suddenly became disorganized and succumbed under a vast, unmentionable pressure.
Brox Squats in Weeds With Some Things
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Condiments owner and Pondicherry Association News columnist Robin Brox recently squatted in weeds with some things sources are confirming.
“It was a very childlike moment,” Brox explained later. “I saw the things and I squatted and then the things came over and I hugged them. You know, it was alright.”
The incident occurred as the enigmatic owner and condiment magnate was removing trash from weedy areas at Buntz Mallows Discount Zoo to satisfy a recent court order.
Brox with the things.
“It’s been great having her here,” noted Zookeeper Fergie Pounder. “Gosh, there’s so much trash in the weedy areas. The other day we had a guy come in and just dump a couple of cans that he brought from home. Then he walked back out to his car. So yeah, she’s been a big help.”
Pounder suddenly turned the color of a bright tomato. He was taken to a hospital and the interview ended prematurely.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK