Archive
Getting to Know Fingers Rolly (Part Three)
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The low moan continues to dusk. When the desert disappears in darkness, the face of Fingers takes on another stunning transformation.
“There’s them cake hunks in the icebox,” he says aloud.
Indeed, I find a creased and rumpled bakery container filled with asymmetrical hunks of cake. I push them gently onto filthy plates. Fingers begins eating almost before the dessert is even before him.
“They had this guy come out and he bought up the earth beneath us,” he comments. Indeed, an enormous plot of desert land had recently been purchased by the heirs of Ferdinand Buntz, mallows king of Lankville. Rumors, none verified, were flying around the region. “What do you think he wants with that land?” I ask. “The land is an asshole. What would you do with an asshole?” He pushes his plate away and then onto the floor. It lands in a pile of garbage.
“Tell me about your wife?” I ask. It’s a dicey question; Fingers’ bride had died decades before.
“She was in the stenographers pool at the high school,” he responds in an even, quiet voice. “They gave her a little cubicle and I used to go in the cubicle and talk to her. Lovely girl. Very fat. But lovely. She looked like a gibbous moon.”
“And then you moved here, to the desert?”
Fingers slowly shakes his head. The sweat is pouring off him. I bear witness to the rising vitriol.
MOTHERFUCKKKKKKKKKKERRRRRRRR. He gets up and grabs the shotgun again. I stop him.
“Rest. Rest in the chair,” I command. He does as told though I notice that his face has changed again. I decide to press.
“Why? Why do you hate the desert?”
But he will not answer. He is gone now.
For want of something to look at, I find a small stack of old gas station road maps in a heap of floor garbage. Many are of the desert region. Opening them, I find a thick series of crude markings in various inks with arrows leading to the margins and annotated with a mysterious combination of letters and numbers. These markings are virtually impossible to explain so I pocket one of the maps so that it may be photographed later. It is reproduced here for the first time.
Gas station road map of Desert Region with Fingers’ strange markings.
Hours pass. My curiosity is insatiable. I quietly move to the living room and, with the faint illumination of a cellphone, look through the signs again. Moving to the coffee table, I begin sifting through the mass of papers and letters (many never opened). Yet, there seems to be no key that I can stick in a keyhole, turn, and, by the rotation of moving cylinders, pin tumblers and so forth, unlock the mystery.
Then, I am surprised by the distant sound of a motor vehicle. Lights flash across the windows. It seems to be coming surprisingly fast– the crunch of boots on the gravel outside causes me to freeze where I stand. Then I drop to the carpet and attempt to construct a hiding fort out of blankets and pillows. They are outside the door now.
“Flatten them,” someone says. Boots crunching again, then the sound of my tires being slashed by a knife.
“You jus’ let me know when you’re ready,” the same man says. It is in monotone; a brutal voice without mercy.
I throw off the blankets and pillows and make a beeline for the backdoor. I pause only for a moment as a deadly shotgun blast bursts through the wood frame. It seems to have come from nowhere; almost silent, faintly sibilant.
Then, I am running across pitch black scrubland, away from the house. A booming roar of an engine starts up and I am now being chased by a raging pickup burying everything in its path.
This may be my end.
The story of Fingers Rolly and Bernie Keebler’s possible murder will be continued in future issues.
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville Announced as Vibbs System Winner
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville
Lurv Sprayberry of Lankville has been announced as the winner of the Pondicherry Association News’ annual “Vibbs System” contest.
Sprayberry, 37, who is fat and timid, was interviewed briefly outside his semi-basement apartment.
“Generally, I have an interesting habit of entering most contests. Some things come across my desk and I’ll fill them out. So, the Vibbs System contest was one of those.”
When asked how he planned to celebrate, Sprayberry became thoughtful.
“I think I’ll probably notify a few friends via a camera to computer signal that I’ve been working on and then maybe order a pizza.”
When asked if he might be ordering two pizzas, Sprayberry looked at the floor and quietly responded in the affirmative.
When asked if he would be consuming both the pizzas without any assistance, Sprayberry merely nodded in agreement.
A press conference is expected later today.
Royer Attends Nearby Outdoor Event
By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Institutionalized Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer attended a nearby outdoor event yesterday, sources are reporting.
“It was thrilling and I didn’t fall down or scream once,” the executive noted later at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “They had some side streets cordoned off and some tables and a man made some announcements. There seemed to be a mass localized understanding of some sort of significant event but I allowed that to elude me as one would allow an errant soft child’s beach squeeze toy to drift slowly past over the lustrous and brilliantined surf.”
Royer suddenly set a trident on fire and had to be restrained. The interview was ended prematurely.
“We’ll look into his possible attendance at other nearby outdoor events in the future,” noted Warden Jenness of the Home. “It may be beneficial in reintegrating him into society.”
The Vibbs System
ENTER NOW!
The Pondicherry Association News is pleased to present “The Vibbs System”.
Available for a limited time, the System is the product of years of countless thought about exterior barriers, responsibility and broken cones. And it’s from the East! So you can rely on it.
Enter our contest now by completing the survey below. Our grand prize winner will experience The Vibbs System and some garbage will be thrown into his neighbor’s backyard (men only).
THE VIBBS SYSTEM
Name__________________________
Address_______________________
Telephone_____________________
Fax_______ Hill Voice________
Area__________________________
Send to: The Vibbs System Contest, 56 Grand Marro Avenue, Eastern Junction Lankville (river), 2611.
Impromptu Inner Hammer Display Confuses Fanfest Patrons
By Tito Presentation
Distinctive Reporter
File photo
An impromptu display on vintage radio repair delivered by Small Pizzas owner “Inner Hammer” confused patrons at a club fanfest, sources are now reporting.
“Yeah, he got up to speak and then he started talking about flat-molded paper capacitors and the importance of obtaining a clear schematic and it just got very confusing,” said Pizzas fan Kevin Fernandez-Tony. “People started murmuring and then he [Inner Hammer] would demand silence in a loud, commanding voice. No one was permitted to leave the area. It went on for hours and then finally it concluded with a long cleaning display. He just kept saying, “You use a soft toothbrush to get into the crannies” over and over again and he removed his shirt at one point which was just soaked with sweat.”
Fernandez-Tony later bounced out of a meadow and into a bottomless pit where he expired.
“Inner Hammer” left the event quickly after his speech but spoke briefly with the media.
“Communication between the islands will be an important source of information and if you’re communicating, you might as well be doing so on a serviced and clean radio. My belief, fellows. Take it and bang it around a little, pull it back up and let me know how it turns out.”
The executive then left in a specially-made sports car that was somehow doorless.
The fanfest ended shortly thereafter.
Royer Uses Strange Foreign Machine to Soil Van with Sugar
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer has soiled his recently-repaired van with a foreign powdered sugar machine that was delivered this morning to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
“I don’t know why we let him do that,” said Warden Jenness, who was supervising the vast clean-up. “This crazy gigantic machine arrived this morning in about five separate boxes. We tried to move them into the hall but [Royer] came out of nowhere and kicked one of our college interns in the face about five times really fast. Then, he pushed the boxes himself over towards the van and started ripping them apart. The next thing I know, he’s got this ridiculously huge contraption set up and he moves this big outtake pipe over to the van’s cab and just shoots the damn thing full of powdered sugar. Then he went back to his room.”
“We’ve got a real mess here,” noted a cleaner, who refused to be identified and was later kicked in the face by Royer.
“Yes, the machine was foreign,” Royer answered when questioned. “It comes from a land-locked nation whose name I cannot pronounce. It’s very far from here. It’s illegal in Lankville.”
When asked why he wanted the machine, Royer quickly explained.
“This machine has a specific crushing hammer and sieve for finer grinding. I elected to go with the double-head version which produces between 2,600 and 3,300 pounds per hour, unheard of in Lankville. There is a vibrating passage which leads to the outtake mechanism. It’s important to have a large canister to catch the product.”
When asked why he did not have such a canister and instead sprayed sugar all over his van’s interior, Royer became confused.
“It’s all a question of where the fried dough is, Bernie,” he said, his voice betraying much consternation. “No need to engage in any of your tricks at my expense.”
The exterior of the van, damaged in a recent accident, has been repaired. Cleaners expected the cab to be cleaned by evening.
An Interview with “Inner Hammer”
BY IDA RUMPUS The Lankville Society Scoop
File photo
Ida Rumpus sat down with Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” outside his hotel suite in the Teets Island Chain.
IR: You’ve not been very visible lately. Trying to stay out of the limelight?
IH(squeezing a wet washcloth slowly over his head): Much has happened.
IR: Anything you’d like to tell The Lankville Society…
(Inner Hammer suddenly stood up and expelled an erratically moving torrent of urine in the direction of the ocean)
IH: What I have to tell would serve nothing but to foster a spiritual brain-tangling in the minds of your disenfranchised readers.
IR: I sense a great change has come over you.
IH: Yes. An exalted, almost astral change. However, I would still like to fix your bare ass in an unoccupied vertical position in space and torque it like a jenny.
IR: The hotelkeeper claims that you spend great periods of time in the jungle. Tell us about that.
IH: When you traverse the byways of your little life– going in and out of little shops and into your little office, do you ever come upon a vast, limitless jungle?
IR: No.
IH: There is your answer. (Inner Hammer suddenly stood up and expelled a second, more vicious stream of urine into the sand).
IR: Thank you.
IH: This heat. This heat precludes fleshly gratitude.
The interview suddenly collapsed.
Animal Rights Groups Incensed by Royer Comment
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Animal rights groups have begun protesting outside Memorial Yea! Keepsake Auditorium, home ice of the Terrifying Bats, incensed over a recent comment made by owner Ric Royer.
“I made a simple statement,” noted Royer from his room at Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “And that was to express my desire to cut off a giraffe’s head, mount it on a funny, spinning pinwheel and have it installed in the front yard of one of my vacation homes. The furor that has resulted from this comment is very boring. I’m bored now.”
Royer began nervously placing a fluffy white substance about the roads of his illuminated porcelain village.
“It’s snowing now,” he explained.
Two groups are said to be spearheading the protest including the Lankville Society for Animal Niceties and the Central Lankville Zoo Happiness Committee.
“[Royer’s] comments are absolutely outrageous,” said a protester who refused to be identified and was later murdered by the creeping menace from the dark bowels of the universe. “The LSAN and the CLZHC have joined together in solidarity against this cruelty.”
“I am not cruel,” Royer stated after being apprised of the comments. “Giraffes are very funny and their heads would look funny spinning on a pinwheel. It’s an aesthetic choice, really.”
The embattled executive suddenly produced a gigantic leaf blower. With a flick of a switch, a loud gust whisked away the fluffy white substance.
“The snow melted,” Royer explained.
The protest is expected to continue throughout the day.
Royer Takes Van to Refreshment Hut
By Salty Cubbes
Sedentary Reporter
File Photo
Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer was permitted to drive his new van to a refreshment hut yesterday evening, sources are now reporting.
“He was heavily supervised and a second steering wheel had been installed for safety purposes,” noted Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Royer has been incarcerated for most of the year. “The incident, which we could not anticipate, is regrettable.”
Sources are confirming that Royer accelerated onto the grass and drove through three picnic tables. No one was harmed.
“I was getting out of the van because he had parked,” said an attendant, who refused to be identified and was later hanged for his role in the incident. “All of the sudden, he hit the gas and just drove straight through the patio. He laughed and laughed and laughed.”
Royer issued a brief statement.
“I ordered an ice cream that was topped with a bundle of little nuts. It was a delight.”
According to Warden Jenness, the van is currently being repaired.
“There was some body damage. I think maybe some nozzles and discs were broken.”
Former Owner and Reporter Pennies Presumed Dead
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Former hockey executive and Pondicherry Association News reporter Dr. Pennies is presumed dead according to a report released today by Lankville detectives. Dr. Pennies has not been seen for months.
“He has a third cousin who he hadn’t got around to killing yet and that third cousin asked us to investigate,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who consented to a brief press conference. “We went to Dr. Pennies’ apartment, knocked on the door for awhile and got no answer. Despite the horrendous, overpowering, permeating stench of darkest death in the hallway, we elected to leave the premises and are now operating on the presumption that the former reporter has expired.”
Dr. Pennies was last seen in Pondicherry Association News offices in February of this year.
“As I mentioned before, he came into the break room with a vicious look of purpose on his face,” stated senior staff writer Grady Kitchens. “He cooked a lasagna in the microwave at extremely high temperatures for an extremely long time until the lasagna combusted. He looked at us all very closely and carefully and then left the room, never to be seen again. I certainly think he was trying to communicate something.”
“He had a strange way of sort of barreling down on things, sort of moving very quickly despite his size towards some goal, the sort of goal that would not be achievable for most men,” remembered senior staff writer Nient Boffo. “He tried to kill me several times. I think he could have but decided at the last minute not to. I have not yet processed any of it.”
Catching Up with John Barlow: AN INTERVIEW
By Gump Tibbs
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Gump Tibbs recently had a chance to sit down with hockey executive, businessman and author John Barlow at the opening of “Barlow’s Hampered Mall” in downtown Lankville.
GT: What is a Hampered Mall?
JB: It’s a mall that is severely bereft of actual stores. Therefore, the shopper is quite hampered in his ability to purchase anything.
GT: Tell us about the construction.
JB: It’s a wonderful place. There is a terrific sense of proportion with the fountains.
GT: Now, I saw some women working in the tiny food court that were not exactly nice scenery if you know what I mean. One of them looked like an ironing board with fried eggs nailed on. Any thoughts on improving things on that front?
JB: All of our hiring is done by a company in the Islands. I’m not surprised that they have disappointed you. I was there once and noticed dried dung in the carpet.
GT: Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. Hey, you wanna go fire some guns at some trees?
Barlow thought about the offer momentarily and then the two men got up and left the mall together. The interview was ended.
Updates From Royersford
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo
9:53 AM
I’d like to welcome you to Royersford in Eastern Lankville. Royersford was named after Terrifying Bats owner and GM Ric Royer. He owns a summer home here and is a member of the borough council.
Thanks very much for your attention.
11:25 AM
Just now, Mr. Royer has finished addressing the citizens of Royersford in an area of scrubland east of the train station. A small dais with colorful bunting was erected.
Temperature is a perfect 75 degrees.
7:13 PM
Mr. Royer had a late dinner last night at “The Lucky Lab” restaurant. He ordered the “Loaded Pub Nachos”– a pile of tri-colored tortilla chips with melted cheeses, some olives and a tubular-shaped side of sour cream. This was followed by “The Fry Basket”, the Burgundy Tenderloin Medallions, the Shrimp Etouffee, and a hot dog.
Then, it was off for some television and then bed.
Royer Releases First Book of Poetry
By Sal-Peter Vooks
Special Literary Correspondent
File photo
It was announced this morning that hockey and baseball magnate Ric Royer has released his first book of poetry. Dances with Bears will hit the shelves today.
“The sparkling, glimmering little rays of my illuminated Christmas village layout has inspired this work,” noted Royer, who appeared briefly this morning at a press conference in which a large sheet cake was served. “Also, my new van has provided creative arousal. This abundance has been an awakening. My literary panties are all wet.”
Royer was allowed a small piece of the sheet cake, signed a few copies of his book and was then taken back to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
“I read some of the poems,” said reporter Brock Belvedere, Jr. “There was some stuff in there about mountains. And then some stuff about bears.” Belvedere awkwardly ate a large piece of the sheet cake and then added, “There was a sensuality that I deeply appreciated.”
Dances with Bears has been issued in heavy cardstock wrappers with sewn-in “guidance ribbon” and directional arrows in an edition of 500.
Small Child Makes Debut for Terrifying Bats
By Trenton Scisse
Baseball Beat Writer
File photo
A small 9-year old child made his debut last night as the Terrifying Bats were crushed by the Arboreal Dells 21-3 at Deeply-Wooded Area Park.
“We’ve been beating the bushes for talent,” said Bats manager Jimmy “Apple Cakes” Quizzler, who watched as his club committed 7 more errors and fell to 0-5. “Someone told me about this small child, I was drunk, and I signed him up. That’s pretty much how it happened.”
The small child, Dennis Clean-System, allowed 7 runs in 1/3 of an inning before being lifted for no one.
“We didn’t have any pitchers left,” noted Quizzler. “At least anyone notable. So, we just forfeited the game at that point.”
The Arboreal Dells notched 10 hits off Clean-System before the forfeit.
“Well, Jimmy came out to get the kid and they both walked off and no one was coming in from the bullpen,” said home plate umpire Karl Saffran. “I walked over and asked for a pitcher and Jimmy just kind of threw his hands up and there was a long period of silence and confusion. Then, it was over.”
Moderately exciting PBA action will continue tonight as the Crisply Moving Bisons will take on the Stamps at Hoover Island.
Dick Oakes Baseball Digest
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
The Pondicherry Baseball Association Division of Leagues kicked off action last night with a moderately exciting slate of contests.
The Chunk Island Ruby Legs pounded the visiting Terrifying Bats 16-1 behind lefty Merv Boats, Jr. (1-0) who hurled six scoreless frames. Chris MacDonalds and Didius Getta had 3 hits each and 1st baseman Vic Puppies homered. Jo Tet (0-1) took the loss for the Bats after allowing 8 runs in 1 inning.
“I didn’t have good stuff tonight,” said Tet, who was throwing a mix of slowballs and pitches that bounced once before arriving at the plate to be crushed. “I couldn’t get my arm slot right and my mechanics were all off. Something to work on at some point whenever I can find the time. I’ve just been buried in paperwork lately.”
Attendance was reported as 16,245.
Later in the evening, the Outer Depths Wipers edged the visiting Western Area Small Pizzas 3-2 at Depths Facial Tissue Plaza.
Oren Schrantz (1-0) picked up the win in relief for the Wipers, who scored an eighth inning run on a bunt, a dropped pop-up, two further errors and a moment of deep confusion following the storming of the field by an old hippie. Mike Reeps had 2 hits and a homer for the Small Pizzas.
“Everything kind of broke down there in the 8th,” said Small Pizza skipper Sherm Bumbry. “I thought that a strange haze seemed to issue forth from the air conditioning units and that it enveloped my players and made them suddenly incompetent. And then the hippie, of course. Once the inning was over, the haze seemed to dissipate and I noticed the hippie was hanging out by the railing, like they never even threw him out or anything. It’s something we’ll be taking up with the league.”
Attendance was reported as 25,342, 7 kids, 10 pets.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
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LETTER SACK