Archive
President Pondicherry Emerges Screaming from Pile of Girly Pillows
By Salty Cubbes The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Sedentary Reporter
File Photo
President Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. has been hospitalized after an incident which occurred early this morning at the Presidential Palace. He is expected to fully recover.
Around 4 AM, Pondicherry was discovered by his man-servant, attempting to emerge from a mountain of girly pillows which had somehow engulfed his bed, creating a dark abyss that nearly suffocated the executive. “The man-servant assured us that he had never seen the pillows before,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the scene. “Further, we were assured that they were not part of the Presidential pillow collection and they were, frankly, not the type of pillows that were suitable for an older, unattractive bachelor,” added Gee-Temple.
Interviews were conducted at the Palace and while five servants were executed as a precaution, it is not believed that the incident was orchestrated by anyone within the Presidential coterie.
Pondicherry is expected to be released today.
Royer to Open Eight Pretzel Kiosks by 2015
By Larry “God” Peters The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Just one day after announcing his foray into the icynene spray-foam business, incarcerated executive Ric Royer has also gone public with his intent to open eight pretzel kiosks by 2015.
“We have an excess of blank snack spaces in Lankville,” explained Royer in an interview held beside his new van. “It occurred to me that the ideal thing would be to go ahead and open the kiosks. I’ve always liked pretzels.”
The kiosks will be placed outside of key Pondicherry Association arenas and will also vend nachos, cottons [sic] candies and frosted nuts.
“I bought the supplies today,” said Royer, who asked to be quoted using his “magical name” which he then forgot to provide. “I opted for the 18×18 “Simplex” Humidified Pretzel Warmer. You should see this beautiful specimen. Holds over 40 jumbo pretzels, 120 volts of raw power lights the interior, hand-rubbed stainless steel exterior, cap tube thermometer. It’s an absolute wonder.”
“Some people will tell you that you get can away with Sterno,” added Royer. “That’s a canard. The humidified display case is far superior to a non-humidified unit because the humidity keeps the pretzel soft, warm and yielding– fresh for the longest period of time. The texture will be greater and the electronic controls will allow for mistake-free operation as I know that I’ll probably be employing a lot of monstrous island immigrants as employees. The controls will be my fail-safe.”
Royer also purchased several “Pralinators”, a device that cooks frosted nuts. “I went with the 12 volt,” continued Royer. “OK, here, we’re talking six pounds of product per hour. Stainless steel frame exterior, additional hookups for automatic frosters. A gorgeous mechanism.”
“I can’t wait to get started,” Royer added, following a long, eerie silence.
Fick Committed to Insane Asylum
By Hugh G. Pickens The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Semi-portable electronic typing machine magnate Fick has been committed to an insane asylum, sources are now confirming.
“We responded after we finished our lunch to a call for a man in distress,” stated Detective Gee-Temple. “Upon our arrival at the scene, we found Fick wandering pantsless around a coppice. We screamed at him for awhile but it didn’t seem to help, so we took him in.”
It was unclear at press time where Fick was institutionalized. Calls placed to his gloomy heath mansion were answered by a loud halfwit.
Royer to Open Icynene Foam Installation Business
By Larry “God” Peters The Lankville Action News YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
File photo
Incarcerated executive and businessman Ric Royer announced today that he will open an Icynene Foam Installation Business next month.
Royer, who gave a brief press conference while crouching in front of a basket of magazines, stated that the business will be called “Sprayboys”.
“It has been my desire to assist the people of Lankville with spraying foam all over their houses,” noted Royer, who was dressed in a bathrobe, bathing suit and knee-high socks. “Icynene foams [sic] is the way of the future. It maximizes efficiency, allows for moisture control and can be spewed and blasted all over the place,” Royer added.
Icynene foam is a spray-on form of insulation commonly used in homes and businesses. Its history is unknown. “It just appeared one day, like things sometimes do,” stated Lankville historian Rufus Potts. “It’s as though it was a gift from a benevolent God who wanted things better insulated,” added Potts, who collapsed shortly thereafter in the back of a dimly-lit burrito restaurant.
Royer expects “Sprayboys” to begin business for the upcoming winter.
Del Rio Recalls Horrifying Inaugural Space Mission
Nick Del Rio
Space Asshole Correspondent
File Photo
I have flown over one-hundred missions to space but none was more horrifying than the first.
I was just a junior astronaut, attached to a mission led by the great Commodore Heinz Barrels. There were 56 of us aboard the Spaces-Ship as it was known. The initial part of the voyage went well– I was able to conduct some experiments involving thick fluids poured into flat containers that yielded important data. The crew was cheery and amicable.
As we approached the Moon, Commodore Barrels made a fatal error in judgement and the ship crashed into a crater. 53 aboard were killed– only Commodore Barrels, Special Woman Astronaut Lara Topping and myself survived. We spent weeks jettisoning the mangled bodies into space, a job that was increasingly left almost exclusively to me. The Commodore and S.W.A. Topping would disappear for long stretches at a time; later I accidentally discovered them in flagrante delicto behind a pile of spaces rocks. Or, I should say, as much as that is possible through a thick, rubbery spaces suit.
I voiced my concerns over dinner that night. We were not doing enough to repair the Spaces-Ship . Intercourse was one thing, I admitted, but survival quite another. They quietly agreed and after that they followed my directions.
But then some Hill-Aliens ate them.
Sometimes, I don’t know how I got back.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
File Photo
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
A client of mine recently expressed the feeling that he was unloved.
By means of remedying this problem, I met with the client privately for a “Thurston Love Session” and also sold him a family-sized bag of corn chips. $3.99, normally $4.99 in stores, so he got a good deal.
Two weeks later, however, the client expressed the desire to hang himself in his basement. “Let me see the basement,” I said. So, the client invited me over. It was a lovely finished basement with a pool table. “I’ve never heard of anyone with a pool table wanting to hang himself,” I proffered. He felt a little better after that and we shot a few games which I won handily and rather loudly. Some neighbors called about the noise but I ended up selling them some lawn seed, ($9.99, 10-pound bag) and also five cubic feet of ice, so there was a positive outcome.
I haven’t heard from the client for awhile, so I assume he’s doing well.
From the Bench of Judge Socquettes
By Judge Socquettes
South Lankville District Courts (Large)
File Photo
I purchased a large radio that fits over the chest—sort of like a reverse backpack. It’s an ingenious device and it comes in handy at Pondicherry Association games. You can follow the action while listening to the commentary. There is a little microphone and a tape machine and I occasionally record my thoughts. I buy a box of standard-form hamburgers and allow them to defrost in a parcel that looks like clothes, thereby giving the impression that the burgers are wearing an outfit! By the second period, they are done.
The Pondicherry Association began play in 2011 [1] and has grown enormously. Press coverage was initially scant; now it is voluminous. What you have on the tube-computer in front of you is a collection of little elephant babes—the grandest beasts of the journalistic jungle. Savor them as you would savor a sudden shed fire or the epiphany one has when one realizes the answer to a word jumble. You’ve been hunched over the jumble for hours. You are sweating and feverish. And then the word suddenly comes to you. It is “FNORDS”. You fill in the blanks with a pencil and sit back, unconditionally pleased with yourself.
I follow all the teams in the Pondicherry Association. I do not discriminate. I attend as many games as possible. Sometimes, I do not listen to the trials at all and make sudden, uninformed decisions after all the talking. Undoubtedly, I have been wrong many times. But being wrong and gentle is better than not being wrong at all [2]. That’s what I’ve learned in 70 years of having a judge job.
Spring is in the air tonight. All I can think about is snapping on that big chest radio and tugging on the antenna. You should see this thing. It’s a masterpiece of engineering. I have them for sale for $49.95 [3].
[1] The league initially featured five clubs.
[2] Also the title of Judge Socquettes’ unpublished autobiography.
[3] Send $49.95 (postpaid) to: Judge Socquettes: Eastern Lankville Courts House, Lankville, 56402. Delivered in 4-6 weeks but sometimes never.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Promotional Seat Cushion
By Ric Royer
File photo
We hired a girl to man the candy counter. She had come down out of the hills a few days ago.
At the end of the first week, I asked her if she was enjoying the job. She said that yes she was, that she enjoyed helping people pick out which candies were best suited for their own personal needs. She did have one complaint though.
“What is that?” I asked.
“Well, Mr. Octotris, it’s this stool.”
“It’s Mr. Royer,” I corrected. My bowels released a little.
“Mr. Roysticks, look at this stool.”
I looked at the stool. I was lost for a moment. I looked past her, out the picture window and saw some bushes suddenly disappear.
“Mr. Roypacks, the stool has no cushion left. See?”
She showed me how the upholstery had been torn down to the plywood base.
“By the end of the day, Mr. Octotris, my…well…my backside (she said the word with extreme embarrassment) is red and sore, chafed even. I’m wondering if we could get another stool.”
It was impossible. I knew it. But I was slowly falling in love with the girl and I knew I had to do something. I muttered some platitude and got the hell out of there.
That night, in my apartment that had become a dark, dangerous trash-maze of my own creation, I found a seat cushion. It had been a promotion item I had received at a baseball game and had the team name– “The Balloons” written in script across its front. It was designed, I supposed, to help fans deal with the hard, unforgiving steel benches that passed for seating at the stadium. I squeezed it into my knapsack and fell asleep right away in an old child’s swimming pool.
The next morning I got to the soda fountain early. She had not arrived yet. I tried the seat cushion on the candy counter stool. It did not fit well but I did not want to believe it. I wanted to believe that it hugged the stool, providing a pillowy barrier that would last forever. Outside, I saw that the building across the street had been demolished at some point during the night. A cordon had been fashioned to a tree and a mailbox. I threw up a little.
I wanted her to understand that I could take the Balloons seat cushion away and that, without me, she would have no comfort.
Things moved very slowly that day. An enormous shipment of tri-colored gums had arrived and it took hours to remove them from their cardboard boxes. Mr. Jipps, the owner, had assigned his son Duke candy counter duties for a few hours. I was standing right there when Duke first noticed the cushion. He fingered its edges and almost picked it up. But then his father barked at him and he forgot all about it.
It was after lunch when she took her place behind the counter. The after-lunch candy crowd can be brisk and for nearly two hours she did nothing but push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries, explain chocolate to nougat ratios. I was starting to feel moist with rage.
Finally, at three, there was a lull. She sat down and I could see the look of surprise on her face. Then she slipped off the chair and fell forward into the display case. I heard the sound of shattering glass, the screams of the idle women at the fountain. Mr. Jipps shouted CALL A FIREMAN! In the chaos that followed, I was able to slip out the back. A billboard that had once framed the parking lot on the east side had disappeared. I ran blindly through the alley.
I went into a fever dream. I could see, in extreme close-up, the Balloons cushion fitting snugly across the top of the stool and people standing around commenting on it. “Look at that fit,” they said. I awoke at one point and was mindlessly gobbling the cans of a fat hooker in a fleabag hotel room. She had the Balloons cushion on her head, was wearing it as a wig. It looked beautiful. She said, “My ex-husband followed the Balloons. Do you remember that big brown Islander they had? Herrera?” I stared at her. Then I blacked out again.
Next morning, I ended up in front of the soda fountain. It was closed now. They had put up a sign but someone had stolen it. You could see the drill holes in the front door. The candy counter was covered by a thin white sheet.
That was just the beginning of my odyssey.
The Electronics Cranny: Model Plane Control…with TUBES!
By Neil Cuppy
Electronics Expert
File Photo
Military use of bombs and little missile planes for targets and test purposes has become a big part of the news these days. But the use of tubes is not merely limited to the Lankville Army and Signal Groups. Like an eldtritch creeping puss, it has spread to the amateurs who can build and fly small gas-engined planes as a type of hobby. The development of miniature (small) components and compact tubes has reduced the size of radio-controlled model planes to half of what it was ten years ago (graph available upon request).
One of the most valuable aids to radio control of model planes is the Yount RK-61 tube. This tube, a gas thyratroid tube with triods, requires so little operating current that it is now possible to reduce the weight of your model plane to only 17 1/2 pounds! The RK-61 was in short supply for awhile (some cadaverous halfwits attacked the plant) but now may be found with ease at your local electronics supplier.
For demonstrative purposes, I’d like to share my design schematic for the “Paulhan-Tatin” Aircraft, popular during the Teets Island Skirmishes of 1932-1934 (see figure one).
Let’s begin by looking at the parts related to the Escarpment Mechanism.
1. Bulkhead
2. Loops (rubber)
3. Cranks
4. Bowls
5. Carpeting
6. Strappy Paddle
7. Fin
8. Esoteric area of crushing, debilitating depression
9. Large round legs– makes it sturdy.
10. Coils. No. 32 out of the catalog. Wound it round the shaft in the way that the hindquarters of an offering beast might suddenly appear out of the shadows of your room.
11. L-shaped bracket
12-15. For illustrative purposes only
Hopefully, you are beginning to see how the parts fit together to make your plane fly with tubes. Most important is the acquisition of quality loops. This is the one thing that hobbyists often forget. You will be sorry, however, if your plane flies onto a roof or into a tree or is crushed between two large rocks situated together like a couple of grand, folkloric titties. So, do not skimp on the loops.
Next, insert the tubes. The tubes should fit neatly into the area between the carpeting and the strappy paddle but should not touch either component. Insertion should result in an immediate loud humming noise. Don’t worry– you’re not going completely and slowly crazy nor are there mummies in the area. This just means everything is working properly. The tubes will continue to hum in this manner throughout our session.
Finally, throw your plane into the air from a high elevation– I recommend a parking garage or perhaps a tall hill. WARNING: as soon as you throw your plane into the air you will want to immediately engage the remote control– failure to do so will simply cause your plane to plummet to earth. Nobody wants that to happen.
Del Rio Suddenly Returns from Space; Presents Paper
By Marles Cundiff
Lankville Lakes Region Attache
File photo
Alleged cosmonaut Nick Del Rio returned from space yesterday after a year-long voyage and presented a paper on his travels to a group of distinguished “scientists” at Goddards Famous Astronaut House. The explorer was then presented with several medals and unwieldy trophies from LASA (Lankville Association for Space Achievers) and met briefly with the media afterwards. We had a chance to speak with him briefly.
MC: I hate you.
ND: Listen, do you have any real questions?
MC: Let’s talk about Lankville. What did you think of President Pondicherry’s recent address?
ND: I think the President has taken his lumps but that he’s much-improved and…
MC: I hate you.
ND: …and I think President Pondicherry is ready to take Lankville to the next level socially, scientifically…
MC: Everybody hates you. Everybody hopes you die in space.
ND: …politically and economically…
MC: I hope your space rocket runs out of gas and you get eaten by something big on a lonely, uncharted planet.
ND: Listen, can I finish, please?
MC: OH! Look at the big fancy space asshole! The delicate genius space asshole that CAN NOT be interrupted!
ND: Alright, we’re done here.
Del Rio intends to chronicle his long ordeal in space in upcoming issues of The Pondicherry Association News.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Haunted Profiterole
By Ric Royer
File photo
I decided to order a profiterole for dessert. The waiter brought me a copy of Profiterole Digest. The cover showed a gigantic pile of profiteroles photographed in a red wagon. “We have everything in there except for custard, chocolates, and the one that has the hose attached so you can suck out the cream.” He pressed his crotch as he said that last part but I decided to ignore it.
I went with the “Special Occasion Profiterole”. The waiter disappeared. Ten minutes later, another waiter appeared with the pastry. He went away wordlessly.
I stared at the profiterole. They had presented it well– there were little lines of chocolate all along the plate edge and a series of minced strawberries along one side. They had also placed a little off-white card and the words “pastry ball” had been written there in fine calligraphy. There was also an emergency number printed on the back.
I picked up the profiterole and ate half in one bite. It was then that I became aware of an eldritch phantasm from the borders of this world.
I dropped the profiterole. It had turned green and was covered in blood. I could taste the gore in my mouth but could not expel it. Two waiters, watching from behind a ledge and a series of hydrangea bushes, suddenly expired.
“It was a hell beast, unleashed by your indulgence,” said a voice that sounded not unlike a kindly grandfather. I fell over backwards in my chair. Next, I was being dragged by something unseen, deeply into the purlieu. There seemed to be a lot of vomit there.
The next thing I remember is the cargo train. I was packed roughly into a boxcar full of sacks of grains. There was another man there who had had a series of pastries slammed against his face. He nodded slowly.
It was then that I could finally scream.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File Photo
I warmed up the case of frozen burritos (beef), then drove out to the truck stop and picked up a couple of 2-liter bottles of Diet Crystals Drink. Then I drove over to the co-ed dorm.
It was a depressing three-floor walkup made of stucco– very little in the way of adornment. Bunch of nurses lived there. They had left their trash cans lying in the mud with the lids off– the effect was frank and startling. I parked in the rear behind a beveled hedge and unpacked my binoculars from their spongy, springy case. I glassed the upper floor first as it was lighted. A couple of girls in bra and panties having a pillow fight. I consumed an entire burrito without even being aware of it.
I glassed the next window. Petite blonde, in bra and panties, dressing before an antique wardrobe. She put on a white T-shirt that read, “BRING US YOUR PEOPLE!” I wolfed down a second burrito and chased it with half the bottle of Diet Crystals Drink. I thought of tits made moist by a hose.
I made my way quickly across the gravel back lot. There was a fire escape there and as I reached for the ladder, I was viciously tackled from behind and pinned to the ground. I saw a squat, doughy Islander off in the distance, running slowly down a side street clutching a sheet of looseleaf. My hands were cuffed behind me and I was lifted to my feet and thrown into an anonymous white van.
Hours later the van stopped in a thick wooded area. I was led to an execution site and made to lean down. There was a horrific noise, a loud, deafening clatter. I heard a man say, “Hey Pete! Those are those short to the ground wild dogs that travel in packs of one hundred. We don’t want to be out here.” They took a couple of half-hearted shots at my head– then ran off. I heard the van peal out of the gravel drive.
I headed back to the road. There was a strange black ooze that seemed to be following me but I made a couple of feints and avoided it.
Several hours passed. I came to a roadside diner that wasn’t open. I went around to the back and kicked the door in. There was a girl back there, sitting on a derelict sofa and watching some black and white instructional films. She didn’t even look up.
I became transfixed by the films. They showed a man in a paper hat, delicately placing strips of paper into tiny envelopes, then sealing them with an enormous machine. He smiled unfailingly throughout. Then I was tackled from behind and shoved to the cold concrete floor. They dragged me outside into very early morning light. I was strapped into the trunk of a car. I blacked out.
The next thing I remember was a hospital room. An ugly nurse stood over me. That was the beginning of my odyssey.
BIG CHIPS: Ramping it Up with Some Books
By BIG CHIPS
So, my pops comes up to my room the other night.
“You ever think about taking a class, Big Chips?” he asked.
“Yo, pops. I’m already taking a class.”
“Really?” he said. He seemed excited.
“Yeah, pops. I’m ramping it up in a university without walls.” I pointed outside.
He looked at the floor and sighed. “Just have a look at this, Big Chips.” And he threw a catalog from the community college on my bed.
So, after I talked with Shayna on my cell for about two hours, I leafed through it. There was nothing for Big Chips in there though. Bunch of stuff like science and reading. Nevertheless, I figured I’d please the old man and take some books out of the library.
The next day, he came into my room after work. I had about five books open all over the bed and I was able to get my cell under the sheets before he saw it.
“What’s all this, Big Chips?” He seemed real pleased. That was cool.
“Yeah, Big Chips is figuring on a little self-education.” I touched one of the books for effect.
“Oh.” His shoulders drooped like they always do.
“Yep. Just gonna’ ramp it up with some books here, Pops.”
“Right.” I could barely hear him. He disappeared into his room for the rest of the night.
Then, I texted the whole thing to my girl Shayna. She wrote back something that was barely coherent.
But that’s cool, yo.
Cause when you’re ramping it up with some books, you don’t need no distractions.
Tito Presentation: 1967-2013
By Hugh G. Pickens The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Crime Beat Reporter
File photo
Pondicherry Association News reporter Tito Presentation is dead. The journalist was 46.
“Mr. Presentation was killed in a challenge,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to the death scene. “We are seeing more and more of these challenges and although we know little about them or why they occur, we intend to get to the bottom of the matter.”
“The challenge came early this morning,” said Presentation’s girlfriend Nikki, who was judged to be very stupid but with Grade-A tits. “Tito went out to the field and that’s where the challenge occurred. I didn’t see anything but the waving of the tall grasses and the darkening of the skies. I knew then.”
When asked who or what challenged Presentation, Nikki threw her arms in the air accentuating her cuddly, mound-like protuberances. “These challenges are just a complete mystery,” she added.
“It’s definitely a scourge and it’s getting worse,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “They [the challenges] also yield few, if any clues other than a body. Even the markings on the corpse are confusing– everything is absolutely unclear.”
Gee-Temple paused to sign some papers on a clipboard and study a small wooden storage box for crafts that was offered for sale.
“I thought my wife might like it. But the condition is poor,” he said to no one in particular.
Tito Presentation had been reporting on life in Lankville since 1998.
Royer Introduces New Dog, Claims He is a Vampire
By Marles Cundiff
Lankville Lakes Region Attache
File photo
Incarcerated executive Ric Royer introduced his new dog, a gorgeous collie, at a press conference held today at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. He then stated that the dog is also a vampire.
“He’s a vampire mostly in the evenings,” said Royer, who was wearing a thin, muslin robe with a hard, chocolate-colored outer covering. “The body of an antic gravedigger, killed during the war and forced to walk the earth in a vampiric state, has taken over this dog. I have to be very careful at sundown.”
When asked if this was the sort of terrible perturbation that made owning the pet intolerable, Royer leaned over and stroked the dog’s haunches lovingly. “No, no. I could never part with Mr. Chops.”
Royer claims that Mr. Chops is kept locked in a secure coffin during the night and is fed the blood of dead Foontz-Flonnaise patients intravenously.
“By morning, he exhibits the energy of a jackrabbit– ready for long walks about the grounds.”
Mr. Chops sat stupidly by the executive’s side during the press conference, staring languidly and emptily at the assembly.
Royer, who has been incarcerated for over a year, is expected to be released this fall.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK