Archive
Flounced Linen Bed Skirt Nearly Strangles Royer
By Sha-Nell Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A gorgeous, flounced linen bed skirt nearly strangled Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, sources are reporting.
Royer: recovering.
The dangerous escapade occurred last night in a Small Beaches hotel room.
“Sometimes when I sleep, I tend to thrash around in a sort of horrifying way,” explained Royer, who was taken to a local hospital to recover. “At some point during the night, we believe that I became entangled with the flounced linen bed skirt. Then, in the middle of the thrashing, I was suddenly lifted upward. The effect was that I was nearly hanged.”
Sometimes when I sleep, I tend to thrash around in a sort of horrifying way.
Police ferreted a series of hotel employees into a dark, windowless closet where they were meticulously interviewed. Two were later given 40-year prison sentences.
“We came to the conclusion that the flounced linen bed skirt had been placed on the bed in a slightly haphazard way,” asserted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “And we made the decision to dispense with justice right then and there.”
By this morning, Royer was playfully shoving nurses and doctors, overturning wheelchairs and setting small fires about the hospital. He will likely be released sometime this evening.
The Electronics Cranny: New Semi-Portable Typing Machine Now Available!
By Neil Cuppy
How many times have you said to yourself, “HOLY GOD JESUS IN CHRIST’S HELL! I can’t read my own handwriting!” Often the information you are trying to decipher is critically important– perhaps even could save someone from being murdered. Wouldn’t it be great if you had a semi-portable typing machine that you could just whip out every time you had to jot down a message? Well, with the new Handi-Writer from Fick Industries, you can do exactly that! Now you can carry a typewriter everywhere and use it when needed.
The Handi-Writer is small enough that it can be strapped to your back using the patented Sling-Cups design. Although it can not be measured, it checks in at only 26.2 pounds– it’s actually no heavier than two heavy bowling bowls in a sack. The Handi-Writer is made possible by advanced technologies and new theories in slight keyboard compression. “The keyboard is very, very slightly smaller than a normal typewriter keyboard,” said Fick Industries founder Fick from his dark, eerie home on the gloomy Lankville heaths. “This is what makes the Handi-Writer semi-portable.”
Best of all, the Handi-Writer is easy to use. Just switch the patented “Fick Knob” to the “Type” setting and begin typing (be sure that you have already disengaged the chassis first). Then press the “Memo” key. Finally, press the “Data” key and then click “Yes”.
“It’s actually no heavier than two heavy bowling balls in a sack.”
Stupid bitch uses a conventional computer device.
Begin typing your note– it’s that simple!
Make an error? No problem. Disengage the “Memo” key, press “BUFFER” and enter your corrections. The Handi-Writer comes equipped with a “Fick Memory Chips” that will hold up to 24 characters at any given time. Best of all, as you’re typing, your information will appear on the Liquid Matrix Data Screen Dots display. Just another fail-safe from Fick Industries.
Ready to print your note? Just insert paper into the top of the device, lube the rollers and press “YES” (not the same YES as on the data key, however). The Handi-Writer will now expertly line and rule your note and slowly begin printing your document (average time– 25-30 minutes). Your note is now permanently recorded.
Best of all, Fick Industries is now inviting you to try the Handi-Writer on a 30-day free trial basis. Decide you love it, and you’ll pay just $239.99 plus $99.99 shipping. Don’t love it? Well, we’ll see. Comes complete with AC adapter, paper, sheets, card template, balloons. Call today– Heaths, 5-2116.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Stigma is shame. Stigma is silence. Silence hurts Lankville. This is the motto of Dr. Kevin Thurston’s new “Minds Astir” Group.
Minds Astir is an organization that encourages men to become more open-minded about their mental illness. Minds Astir is loosely affiliated with the larger “Rustling Minds” movement. We meet on Wednesdays in my basement office.
Steve Mitchell, Jr. participated in the Mentally-Ill Pumpkin Smash.
Men diagnosed with mental illness comprise over 95% of our population. They experience numerous daily struggles, not only with their symptoms, but also with prejudices and stereotypes that society creates. Minds Astir seeks to eliminate these societal pressures by taking mentally ill men away from the general public and keeping them in a series of apartments which we will be renting in the upcoming weeks and by offering men a series of discounted items at excellent prices.
Everyone became very confused, standing there holding pumpkins with synonyms for insanity written on them.
Minds Astir provides mentally ill men with a series of activities designed to improve their mental health. Shortly after Halloween, for example, we held a pumpkin smash to symbolize the stomping or “smashing” out of mental illness. Some of the pumpkins smashed quite easily– others would not budge. “This symbolizes the intensity and strength mental illness has on all of us,” I said. “Instead of smashing the pumpkins, let’s write words on them in magic marker,” I then suggested. I challenged the mentally ill men to call out common derisive terms for the mentally ill and then sold each patient a permanent chisel tip marker for just $2.29 (excellent deal). The men called out “crazy”, “insane”, “senseless”, “unsettled” and many other terms and we wrote each word on a pumpkin.
Frankly, we lost our way a little after that. Everyone became very confused, standing there holding pumpkins with synonyms for insanity written on them. No one knew what to do– even I didn’t know what to do. It got dark very fast, that is all I can remember.
But that is part of the process. Part of the journey. I’m not sure who cleaned up the pumpkins.
Join “Minds Astir” today.
Santa Shows Up Early in Lankville!
By Ida Rumpus
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
It’s not even Thanksgiving but a Santa Claus showed up early yesterday at the Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed Outlet in Western Lankville.
“We were shopping for a utility shed with our kids and we turned a corner and there he was.”
“We were shopping for a utility shed with our kids and we turned a corner and there he was,” said area Dad Brim Gerard, 34. “He was sitting on a barrel that had been cut in half and turned over so that it slightly resembled a chair. The kids exhibited some glee.”
I didn’t know he was back there.
The Santa may have been part of a promotion by the Lowinger Brothers Company, although no spokesman could be reached for comment.
“I didn’t know he was back there,” said a lower-level clerk for the concern who refused to be identified. “But I guess it was planned.”
Gerard noted that the Santa was spotted on a rather distant part of the lot.
“It was way towards the back. Where they keep the discount utility sheds or the ones that have been hit by cars.”
Will the Santa be back on the lot today? No one is quite sure.
“I really don’t know,” said a second clerk who refused to identified. “I can’t find anything on our website about it.”
Lowinger Brothers executives did not return phone calls as of press time.
Ric Royer’s Recipe for Olives a la Augustine
Ric Royer: Gastronome
Ric Royer is well-known for his gastronomic creations.
Royer teaches cooking at a nearby mall food court.
We’re going to take some Deep Island olives and fill them by means of a swollen bursting bag and pipe filled with pate de fois gras that has been passed crisply through a bent sieve. Then, take some little bouche cups and fill the sons a’ bitches about a quarter inch deep. Now, stand an olive in each as if you’re violently piercing the earth with a roadside sign that says to the world, “You want to kiss God, you get through my motherfuckin’ ass first.”
You want to kiss God, you get through my motherfuckin’ ass first.
Next, cement the olive in there with aspic jelly or with caviar aux crevettes if the jelly isn’t available. Now, fill up the moulds with all this bullshit and round the olives out with little gentle sprigs of chervil. When it all sets, you’ll dump the olives out of the moulds onto a little crouton of hard bread of panini, butter and mask it all with ham, tongue, coral, hand, a tuck-away sauced sheet or eschalot (your choice) and serve it all up on some goddamned dish-paper, one to each unrepentant asshole at table.
Woman in a Man’s Game by Robin Brox
Robin Brox is Lankville’s most successful female entrepreneur. She is the founder and CEO of Brox Uncolored Condiments, Inc.
I was sitting in my office at the arena, bored out of my skull. There was an empty wire trash can and I took it over to the window and dropped it down five stories to the street. It just missed hitting a suit eating a hot dog.
“YEAH, SHITCUPS!” I yelled as a small crowd gathered. I found some condiment catalogs nearby and tossed those out too. The lunch throng had now gathered round, staring up at me. I suddenly got moist as a muffin downtown, I knew it.
I scanned the suite of third floor offices. There was an IT guy there– he was a bit wall-eyed but he had big hands. I shut the door behind me.
“How’d you like to earn yourself a tidy little bonus?” I asked. “That kind of scratch, you could buy yourself a bunch of those little medieval playcards.”
He liked that. He was a smart kid.
That kind of scratch, you could buy yourself a bunch of those little medieval playcards.
Condiment set. Shortly after this photo was taken, there was a period of vast confusion and the set was destroyed.
Later, I walked down to the cafeteria. I didn’t like the look of the egg and chicken dish so I went for the mouth hoagie. A couple of the executives came over and started on business. One of the assistants leaned over me.
“Ms. Brox, your speech for next week.” He handed me a folder.
“Yeah?” I said, my chin glistening with a complex potpourri of sauces. “What’s that about?”
He looked confused. “It’s…well…it’s a continuation of your series on the essence of uncolored condiments.”
“Let me see you put the folder down your pants.”
“What?…I…” He went red.
“Go on, put the folder down your pants. Do a little dance for me.”
He ran out. I finished the mouth hoagie and left the folder. Someone’d bring it up.
I went back to the office and ordered a couple of loud sequined kaleidoscope dresses online. In the comments section I wrote, “MAKE THEM HUG THE HIPS AND ADD THE SHIMMERY BIB”. I placed the order and went back to the window. The trash can was gone and someone had cleaned up the catalogs. I was slightly disappointed.
I’m a woman in a man’s game, alright.
Inventory of Bumpkin Trailer Made Public; Schropp on Cuisine
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An inventory of items belonging to the bumpkins who were carried away by the wind two weeks ago, will be made public.
In an exclusive Lankville Daily News teaser: the bumpkins had paperbacks.
Detective Gee-Temple handed over the list to The Lankville Daily News this morning.
“As I said before, there’s nothing really of interest, there,” noted Gee-Temple, who paused to examine the brilliant rays of sun cascading through his office blinds. “Towels, forks and spoons, couple of throw rugs, some paperbacks of an inconsequential nature.”
Gee-Temple stretched before the window and exhaled deeply. “The poor lambs,” he whispered.
A full disclosure of the inventory will be forthcoming.
SCHROPP ON CUISINE
Lenny’s EZ Buffet
So I have seen adverts for some time now about an exciting new buffet that has opened. The miscut multi-colored flyers I found on neighborhood cars said the place was called “Lenny’s EZ Buffet”. The name grabbed me, an easy buffet? Not only an easy buffet but an “EZ buffet” which I suppose is even easier?!!!! How could you make a buffet even easier, I thought. I was instantly intrigued.
Piecing a few of the miscut flyers together, I made out the address using “Lankville Maps” on my mom’s computer and I found it to be right in the heart of downtown. No, not my favorite spot to visit but my folks have been on my case recently about getting out of my “basement apartment” and taking a few chances in life. So off I went on my scooter (recently had my Lankville scooter license renewed). Two blocks later, I was pushed off my scooter (but wearing my helmet-safety first!!) and I had to huff the rest of it on foot.
Downtown can be a very gritty maze, one way-two way streets leading to complicated roundabouts. As with most non-downtown folk I found myself lost.The people standing around on the corner or by the mostly abandoned buildings would not answer my pleas for directions and would instead begin searching my pockets for change. As luck would have it, however, my new found friend “Trucker Joe” was making a delivery to a nearby department store and was able to give me a ride and help me find the address. Coming face to face with the address, I realized the buffet was on the top floor, it was a long way up and there was no elevator. “This isn’t EZ at all” I muttered to myself as I started to climb.
After the steep ascent (taking a couple breaks along the way) I made it to the top floor, found the appropriate door number and knocked. After a few more hard knocks someone finally barked out, “Yeah?” I informed him I was here for the buffet. “It’s $16.95” he replied holding out his hand. I took out the twenty dollar bill my folks gave me from my sock and he quickly snatched it from my hand and put it in his pocket. I paused waiting for my change. “Are you comin’ in or not?” “Uhm, my change?” “Don’t have it, sorry. Either you are comin’ in or not but you are not getting your money back”. So I walked in and he closed the door behind me. “Are you a cop?” He asked. “No,no why would I be?” “You’re shaking too much, put your hands on the wall, I’m going to pat you down” After a pat down where he took the rest of my change the other downtown people didn’t get I was allowed to enter further.
This isn’t EZ at all” I muttered to myself…
The place didn’t look much like a buffet or even a restaurant at all, in fact, it just looked like a plain old apartment (and a poorly furnished one at that). I asked if this was some cutting edge decor for people like me (from the burbs) to have an “urban experience”‘ “Uh, yeah, you got it. Now just stand over there. The buffet will be ready in a moment.” I went by the small table which was in the dinning room area of the apartment. The only lighting was from a fixture above the table which was half out. I thought this added to the experience. Lenny (I am thinking it was him but he would never answer if that was indeed his name) walked into the dark kitchen. After hearing the fridge open and close and the banging of a few cabinet doors, he came out with four paper plates of food and put them on the table.
Paper plate 1- Some type of lunch meat (might of been ham?) and a slice of bread
Paper plate 2- A half eaten meatloaf dinner
Paper Plate 3- Some yellowed lettuce with potato chips (not sure what kind) and a grape on top
Paper Plate 4- Not sure, maybe a chili of some sort or maybe something that had gone bad
He saw the confusion in my eyes. “Got a problem with this?” “Is there any hot food?” “Sorry, this is the cold food lunch buffet. We have a hot food dinner buffet and it’s twenty four dollars” “Do I get a drink?” He rolled his eyes and went back into the kitchen.
At this point a woman came out of the back hallway from a bedroom. She was wearing only a dirty nightshirt and looked like a complete mess. She started to mumble something about a monkey. Lenny came back from the kitchen in a complete rage yelling at her to never come out while a customer was eating. He suddenly looked over at me, “I think it’s time for you to leave.” “But I haven’t sampled anything yet.” With that, his violent rage turned upon me and I quickly made my way from the EZ buffet and back out down into the street.
Reflecting back on the experience in my bedroom apartment I am not sure if this establishment was legitimate or if it really was a true downtown urban buffet experience. Maybe one day if I strike up the courage I will go back and try the hot dinner buffet. Speaking of courage– courage is what it would take for The Lankville Daily News to dedicate an entire column to cuisine and not just pair it with these god damn bumpkin articles, right? Am I right? But, we won’t go into that for now. Well, until next time, keep your mind and your mouth open to new things.
Happy eating!
BRI
Choir Invisible Bags Science Fiction Author Eurice
An Inflamed by Stars and Blood Special Report
The choir invisible has bagged science fiction author Enos Eurice, sources are confirming. Eurice was 74.
“He was flickering out into the unseen,” said Eurice’s wife Pamela, who noted that the author died at dinner. “A dark curtain was passing over him. It was deep and impenetrable. A spectral heaviness passed over the table and into a future existence that only the lifeless can know and then his remains fell forward into some soup.”
Enos was a giant…
Enos Eurice, defunct.
Eurice was the author of A Horse Called R.O.B.O.T., Ninja Disks, Her Visual Binaries and several other popular novels.
“Enos was a giant,” noted Inflamed by Stars and Blood editor and novelist Dean T. Pibbs. “We all read him at first, of course, on the back of tire advertising circulars. Eventually, of course, he graduated to gaudy pamphlets. Then, ultimately, full-length novels. Then, back to gaudy pamphlets and, towards the end, tire advertising circulars again. It was a journey.”
Eurice’s career was not without controversy. He spent 1974-1981 on Death Row.
“I think it was said that he was a terrorist,” Pibbs noted. “The circumstances were a little unclear and it all worked out in the end.”
A small, restrained funeral will be held on Thursday at the Life Lessons Funeral Home in Eastern Lankville.
How to Make a Birdhouse Out of a Gourd
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on how to make a birdhouse out of a gourd.
TIME: 2-3 DAYS | COST: $0-50 (LANKVILLE) | DIFFICULTY: EASY TO MODERATE
Begin by selecting your gourd. A bottle gourd is your natural choice– it provides a wide, welcoming bosom that will be inviting and intriguing to birds.
Next, you will need to clean the interior. Use a drill to make a 2″ hole on one side. With a special gourd spoon (available by mail), scrape out the dried seeds and pulp from the inside. Be sure to save it though! It’ll make a tasty snack for later on!
Drop your gourd lovingly into a solution made from one part bleach, eight parts water and one part love…
Now you’ll want to sanitize your gourd– this is very important. Use sandpaper to smooth the exterior of the gourd and the inside edges of the entrance hole. Pay extra attention to the hole. Now, drop your gourd lovingly into a solution made from one part bleach, eight parts water and one part love 🙂 Just kidding! Nine parts water!
Completely rinse the gourd and then hang it on a clothesline to dry thoroughly. Don’t worry if a neighbor catches you hanging a gourd on a clothesline– there is nothing at all “mental” about this, as some former neighbors of mine have suggested.
Once the gourd is dry, you’ll want to use some exterior latex paint to decorate the outside of the gourd. Feel free to be creative! Me and some of my friends recently had a gourd birdhouse painting party on my patio and we came up with all kinds of wild designs! And don’t worry– if you’re “experimenting” and your design just doesn’t work out, you can always go back with some more exterior latex paint and you’ve got a brand new blank canvas. No worries!
When you’ve finished your design and added a couple of water drainage holes on the bottom, you’re ready to hang. Consider a sturdy branch– smaller, thinner branches have a tendency to “break”, which could lead to a disaster and a waste of a lot of hard work.
And last but not least– ENJOY!
DHad
OPINION: My Ultimate Plan is to Destroy You
By a nearby kitten.
I won’t mince words here. My ultimate plan is to destroy you.
You know how when you come downstairs in the morning and you’re in a hurry and you microwave yourself a breakfast burrito and I fucking stand there at the bowl and you don’t make a move towards feeding me? You know that? And you rush out and you just totally stonewall me? You know how that happens quite often, right? Well, guess what asshole? No more. Because now I have a plan cooked up that means your total, ultimate destruction.
As soon as I know you’re gone for good, I go down into the basement and start on the gas pipe. I’ve got that thing good and bent already. Then, I work a little bit on the line. I just drop a hammer on that fucker for a couple of hours. That’s right baby, I got nothing but time. That line is getting good and ruptured. And you know what, man? You’re never gonna’ know about it.
You might ask– doesn’t this ultimate plan of destruction mean my own destruction as well? Isn’t there an irony there? Not me, buddy. I got a whole plan of escape already worked out. When it’s time for this shit to go down, you won’t see me again. I’ll be miles away– I’ll just be able to make out the top of the explosion above the trees.
And I’ll turn and continue on down the road.
The Lankville Daily News does not necessarily condone this sort of activity.
Items Found in Bumpkin Trailer; Schropp on Cuisine
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A few items were found inside the trailer belonging to the bumpkins that were carried off by the wind a few weeks back.
The bumpkins may have had some hand towels, says Gee-Temple.
“There were some ordinary items, yes,” noted Detective Gee-Temple of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. “Nothing particularly interesting, Lloyd. I mean, you want to make a story out of their hand towels or what they had in the fridge?”
We nodded excitedly and were promised full access to the inventory as early as Friday.
SCHROPP ON CUISINE
My folks spoke of a place over the years, a seemingly magical place from their youth. It was called “The Fry Hut” and according to Mom and Dad, it was a teenager’s hangout dream. The owner (Hal Slappy, Jr.) would fry anything- ANYTHING- the kids brought him in one of his forty-two luxurious deep friers. They would bring hamburgers, hotdogs, fish tacos (yes, Lankville was the creator of the fish taco) and then feast in deep-fried goodness while making out in their cars.
The Fry Hut in Deep Lankville.
Was this place still around? Mom and Dad weren’t too sure. “It may have been closed some years back because of health code violations,” Dad said. “There was a lot of underaged drinking too,” Mom added. “Now Brian, let’s get these pumpkins inside for our Thanksgiving display.” But I was no longer interested in pumpkins. My mind was far away. It was on The Fry Hut. I had to find it. I had to find out if the magic was still there.
The place was clear across Lankville. “Up in the hills” some might say. Out of my comfort zone of the suburbs. I would need to walk (my parent-accompanied provisional permit had recently expired). But for the sake of the article, off I went.
By the time I cleared downtown and the other side of the city I was met with the rolling hills and mountains of Deep Lankville. The roads became narrow and some parts unpaved; local yokels drove by– blasting their rock anthems from their trucks and tossing beer cans and shoes at me. The occasional shout of ‘”Get out of the way breakfast sandwich boy” were heard. The vague directions I got from my folks didn’t help matters much but with the help of a few good locals (a special shout out to “Trucker Joe” for the lift) I soon found my destination.
Hal and Gretchen Slappy
The Fry Hut was nestled in a wooded clearing off a dirt road– it had seen better years. My heart sank a little thinking it was closed for good but the front door banged open and out stepped a woman in a bathrobe, curlers, and wielding a shotgun. I quickly explained who I was and what I was doing on her property. She said her name was Gretchen Slappy, Hal’s wife, and she would get him. Soon Ol’ Hal himself came from out behind the Fry Hut, wielding a shotgun. “What are you doin’ here boy?” he asked. Again I explained the situation. “Are you from around here?” I said I lived in Lankville. “No boy, from around here!! In these parts!!!” No, I had to say I was from clear across Lankville. He shook his head and said that the Fry Hut was only open to locals now. After a begging and pleading session emphasizing how far I traveled, Hal said I could come in if I got on my hands and knees and really, really begged. So I swallowed my pride and did so. He produced a video camera from somewhere and recorded the entire display for reasons unclear.
Finally, I was permitted entry. The interior was in no better shape than the outside. The counter tops and “sitting booths” (as Hal called them) showed their age and were littered with trash. The windows were covered with a thick layer of dust which made even the sunlight coming through seem dirty. Hal set me up at the counter with a crumpled place mat and a spoon from a rusted sink. He went on about the history of the place for awhile and then about different frying options he provided. But I had a glorious idea which I hoped he was open to. “Say Hal, do you have an egg?” “Yeah” “How about some bacon?” “Yup” “Then if you had a little cheese and a soft tender biscuit maybe you could fry that for me?” I could tell by the coldness in his eyes that I had crossed some sort of line. “Get out boy, get out now, don’t you or your kind ever come back here.”
With that I quickly left and made an even quicker pace when I heard the click of the shotgun as I went through the door. It took me a long while to get home since I made sure to stay off the back roads in case Hal was going to follow me. (Again a special thanks to “Trucker Joe” who found me on Interstate 27 and gave me a partial lift home).
So with disappointment in my heart I end my first review. Disappointment that is merely escalated by the fact that, once again, my work has been forced to follow A SPURIOUS, POINTLESS ARTICLE ABOUT THE GOD DAMN BUMPKINS. The bumpkins had stuff in their trailer? IS THIS NEWS??? Furthermore, it seems quite obvious that my next article will follow THE BUMPKINS AGAIN when Lloyd finds out exactly what they had in their fridge. SERIOUSLY, LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS??!! Calming…calming…I’m alright now.
I hope next time I will actually be able to write about some food. Until then, please keep your mind and mouth open to new things.
Happy eating!
BRI
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
There is only one way to rebuild your manhood. And that’s together. With other men. In my office. Late at night. On Thursdays.
Beginning this fall, Dr. Thurston will be holding weekly “Rebuilding Manhood Mixers”. I will put up a pad of paper on an easel and draw a large box. This is the “Man Box”. Then, I will ask the assembled (who will sit on comfortable floor pillows (for sale for $8.99 each, 4 different colors) to call out things to pack in our “Man Box”.
Unpack the “Man Box” with Dr. Kevin Thurston.
You might think that once our “Man Box” is full, we can begin our journey. This is a common misconception. The very opposite, in fact, is the case. For at this point in our session, it is time to unpack our man box.
“Why?” some men have asked. Each query is addressed similarly. I usually squat (everyone is encouraged to wear comfortable pants), put my hands together in a pacific manner and re-direct the question. “Why?” I will ask the interrogator. “No, I mean, I just asked you why,” he will usually respond. This often goes back and forth for quite some time and gives me the opportunity to wipe down the discharge chute of a hot-air popcorn maker that I intend to offer for sale later in the session.
“You still haven’t answered the question about the man box,” the men will sometimes ask. At that point, I turn my back on the men slowly and then turn to face them again. They see now that I have cried in the interim. I point to the man box. “It’s not my answer, it’s your question,” I say quietly. This generally leads to a long period of reflection.
Make the 25-week commitment now.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
Every year, as Thanksgiving approaches, people advise, “You should put out a line of decorative turkeys.” For a time, I nodded politely. Now, I immediately produce the whip. Such advice is not solicited.
In the late 90s, a man called “Bunbritt” opened a factory across the river. From here, he peddled poorly-made decorative turkeys. At Thanksgiving, he would taunt me. I would receive late-night anonymous phone calls, mysterious faxes showing lists of huge sums, and crates of dung disguised as large appliances. Bunbritt became my mortal enemy with his fat, paisley ties and his dress slacks and it became my obsession to vanquish him. I placed a trusted man in charge of final decorative ham quality control and took a leave of absence.
For the next two months I trained in secret. I became well-versed in the arts of mixed, restrained combat and purchased some satiny pants with thick knee guards. I spent nights on roofs, unmoving, overlooking Eastern Lankville and then, very suddenly, plunging down a perilous fire escape. I timed myself at 40 seconds.
That is all it would take. I knew that and I think that eventually Bunbritt knew that. He became fearful. He insisted on leaving at night under armed guard. He bought houses and then sold them. Finally, he was driven mad. The decorative turkey factory closed shortly thereafter.
I resumed my regular activities immediately.
Royer to Construct Lankville Roller-Skating Rink
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Correspondent
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Institutionalized business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he will construct a roller-skating rink on an unidentified property in Northern Lankville. The rink will be known as Arcadia.
“Everything came together yesterday while I was in this very amusement room playing Lingus Nets,” noted Royer, who will bankroll the entire project. “It will be the grandest rink ever built. I want people to immediately conclude that the construction and design of this rink did not come from the mind of man. That it came from some sort of sentient being in the form of a goddess who descended upon these wretched lunatics in this wretched Foontz-Flonnaise Home [of Abundant Senselessness] and made known the entirety of its queer and puzzling design.”
Royer paused momentarily to return to another Lingus Net session, already in progress. He quickly captured the final net, deposited his sacks and claimed victory over his opponent, a fellow patient. The patient later moped and lurked in a corner.
Royer’s hand-written notes on Arcadia. Note the lime green cardstock with matte finish, sauce stain.
“It has been decreed that we will have giant smoke machines all about Arcadia and that we will have large robotic skaters that will be extremely slow-moving and yet, still quite menacing. They will target specific patrons and pursue them throughout their visit,” added Royer, who watched carefully as a warden entered the amusement room carrying small slices of cake on colorfully-decorated paper plates. “We will have hired dancers in historic costume. We will have skates. We will…”
Royer suddenly stopped talking and wandered slowly over to the warden, who was now placing the slices of cake on a table. An interminable period of time passed as the warden laboriously cleared the table and positioned the cake slices along its edge, in a circular pattern. Royer was observed to twitch nervously and to jockey for position among the other waiting patients. Finally, the warden looked up and nodded. Royer lunged suddenly at the table.
He took his cake quietly over to a corner and the interview was ended prematurely.
Royer Addresses Media
By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
For the first time since being committed to an insane asylum on Tuesday, Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has addressed the media.
In a press conference held this morning in a darkened, trash-strewn room at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, Royer spoke with reporters for about twenty minutes.
Ric Royer addresses the media. Note the heavy chocolate cake stains to his shirt.
“Part of the public horror of sexual irregularity so-called is due to the fact that everyone knows himself essentially guilty,” stated Royer, who wore a button-up institutional shirt that was heavily-stained by chocolate cake. “The ordinary man looking at a mountain is like an illiterate man looking at an ancient, esoteric manuscript. You combine these two things together and the only course of action was this, this bastard of a place.”
Royer deflected several follow-up questions from journalists, many of whom were later found murdered.
He did confirm that he will maintain control of several of his business endeavors from the home and has temporarily closed his mall retail-space home.
“My Dollar Bush stores will be operating at normal business hours and I will be continuing my work with the Worlds of Royer Toy Company. We have a bear that will be coming out and also a little piano that transforms into a top. The world is a bountiful place.”
Royer was later returned to his cell and no further questions were answered. No food was served.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
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