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News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
KEEBAUGH HONORED
Zach Keebaugh got a medallion.
Lankville Daily News columnist Zach Keebaugh received a shimmering medallion last night for his work in the field of investigative reporting. Keebaugh was one of three recipients.
“Yo, it’s good to get out, socialize, get this god damn medallion,” the journalist noted. “I spend an awful lot of time in that overheated hell of an apartment over the knives and puzzles shop, just doing nothing, man. Just sitting around with one of those little plastic games, man. You know, where you got to guide the marble through the maze. God, what a shit show. Who knows, might meet some ladies here, take one of them home, you never can tell, man.”
Keebaugh did not take any ladies home, sources later confirmed.
SAMWAYS AND FICK ISSUES HOLIDAY CARD
A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.
Samways and Fick, Lankville’s most prestigious consulting firm, issued its annual holiday card today after much anticipation.
“I wrote the interior message myself,” Samways, who was wearing a giant foam jacket, noted. “I think it’s really beautiful and conveys to our clients how much we love them, how much we grow with them and they with us.”
The foam jacket suddenly began to expand and Samways ended the interview prematurely.
Only 300 holiday cards were issued.
“Your business should consider itself very, very lucky to get a Samways and Fick card,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “It means that you are at the pinnacle of commerce in Lankville. We, of course, get one every year.”
Samways and Fick has been helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain since last year.
SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING ROUNDUP
A series of exciting small motel girl wrestling matches were held last night at the El Patio Motel (Room 14) in Capitol City.
Tandy McLemore (14-3) defeated newcomer Peachy Lynn the Bomber (0-1) in the headliner.
“Peachy Lynn tried cornering Tandy between the two double beds,” noted commentator Dick Oakes, Jr. “That’s a real rookie mistake and she paid for it. The area between the double beds is an absolute no-man’s land in small motel girl wrestling.”
McLemore is set to take on The Fabulous Lass (13-2) in January.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
For about three months, I passed her every day at the corner of Pondicherry and Pendleton.
It was nearing summer when she spoke to me.
“Don’t I see you all the time?”
“Yep.”
“What do you do?”
“…I…I do some writing. Freelance.”
“So, you’re a bum? You loaf?”
I had to give it to her. Plus, she had a hell of a set of legs.
She looked between the office buildings where a lonely farmhouse, about to be bulldozed, sat forlornly.
“Because of a lingering pro-rural bias in the scholarship, studies have revealed more about the mid-nineteenth century Lankville farmhouse than about these office towers.”
I nodded senselessly. I had been on my way for some beers. All I had been thinking about were those beers. And now, this.
She stretched and gave me a good look at the cans.
“So, I suppose you’ll write about me, then?”
“Maybe. Mostly, I just cover the Small Motel Wrestling circuit. In the West, at least. They got another clown in the East…” I trailed off.
“I don’t care for Small Motel Wrestling. It’s base.”
“Well, I guess they’ll probably just shut down the whole operation now that that’s out.”
“You’re teasing me.” The sun hit her face. It was god damned glorious.
“Maybe I’ll talk to you again,” she said after a time. The lunch crowd was spilling out of the offices.
“Maybe so.”
I didn’t see her again but I did get those beers.
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp returns this week after a harrowing series of adventures.
“For Christ’s sake Brian! You gotta have something up your sleeve, it’s now or never!!” I could tell Scott was reaching his boiling point. What was I do to? Did he really think I could just summon my brilliant ideas on a whim? I sat in the slightly broken office chair like many times before, swiveling back and forth with all my might trying to shake the ideas out.
Even with being on the verge of Scott’s mighty wrath it was good to have him back managing ‘The Round’. I should be telling you the awesome story of Scott finally defeating Lizzie Starlight and The Floating Baby Pizza Cult. It’s an epic tale indeed, sweeping up not only Scott’s sister but also yours truly in the hunt for this ultimate evil (hence why you haven’t seen any articles for a few weeks). This tale took us all over the map- the back roads of Western Lankville, the deepest darkest parts of Highway 71, on a makeshift raft to the mysterious Lankville Islands, and finally to a place that wasn’t even our own, another plane of existence so to speak. It was here, in this frightening world, that the fight with the hideous Floating Pizza Baby came to it’s climatic conclusion. All three of us were pushed to our physical and mental limit during this trial with each losing a bit of our sanity yet learning a little more about life. Yes, it’s a tale worth telling but alas since we have been back a greater, more pressing issue has arisen. Something so great it has taken the pizza industry and flipped it upside down. The issue is, of course, the newest craze. Pizza purses.
It’s great to have Scott back!
Since being gone this new found fad has swept all of Lankville like none before it. Everyone who is anyone (men included!!) wouldn’t be caught dead without toting one of these cheesy creations around. Not that I need to explain this but in case you are living in some remote area, where maybe the lunch meat wallet is still ‘the in thing’, let me explain- the pizza purse is an edible handbag (coming in all shapes and sizes) which you carry around during the day much like a normal purse. The difference is, of course, once you are through with your day, you empty it and then have a delicious dinner all ready for you. There hasn’t been any time for me to do any research about who started this trend since I have been busy trying to get ‘The Pizza A-Round’ on board with this. Believe you me, if you are a seller of pizza in Lankville (and there are hundreds just in the Northern Suburbs alone) nobody is calling for the standard fair. Even our personal ‘cutting edge ideas’ like ‘The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza’ and ‘The Pizza Eggwich’ are rarely spoken of. ‘The Round’, through lack of leadership, has really dropped the ball and now looks somewhat behind the times. The only person who even attempted to keep up, ‘Big’ James, went out and bought cheap dollar store handbags and filled them with nacho cheese. Hardly a suitable alternative. ‘The Nacho Cheese Sack’ just didn’t take off and made us look even more foolish.
Delightful pizza purses!!!
So here I was with Scott trying to pick up the pieces. He took my sauce-stained piece of scrap paper (I had been jotting down ideas in a desperate hope of finding something in these scribbles and doodles). After ripping it in half I braced myself for what would be my very first ‘Scott punch’. Instead he just sat down in his nice office chair and sighed deeply.
“I know we’ve been through a lot recently. Neither of us are at 100%, especially you Bri, after those cult members kidnapped you and did all that brainwashing stuff. I remember holding you like a baby on that makeshift raft as we made our escape to the Lankville Islands. The nightmares and mental anguish you endured– well, they…are…are still enduring!! I know it’s hard but I need you to dig deep and come up with something. Maybe we are thinking too much out of the box, let’s just start with a simple pizza purse design and take it from there. Yeah, it might turn into an all night session but what choice do we got?”
My failed attempt at making ‘The Round’s’ first pizza purse
Scott was right, I was nowhere near the same tender if somewhat ‘kooky’ guy I was a few weeks ago. If I hear a baby giggle while walking down the street my mind instantly fills with dread followed by horrific visions of the Floating Baby Pizza Slice. I knew it was gut check time, I had to put all of that behind and get down to what I do best– crafting the most innovative, cutting edge, culinary ideas this place has ever seen.
‘The Round’ was closed for the night so we had no one to interrupt us. I threw myself completely into the zone, only hearing Scott’s voice as a whisper encouraging me on. I was taking his advice and keeping it simple. Just starting out with a simple pizza purse idea, nothing more. Like any good jazz improviser would tell you, get the basics down and work magic from there. Not putting too much thought into it, I was letting my creative mind guide my hands to make it happen. I was feeling good, like many of our other ‘late night sessions’ before I sensed a possible breakthrough. Sadly, after taking my result from the pizza oven the cold winds of reality hit me right smack in the face. Maybe I wasn’t the man I was before. Scott laid his head down on the counter and started to sob.
I will keep you informed readers of what we will do to try and compete in this new high stakes pizza purse industry. Until next time, please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy Eating- Bri
Is Online Dating Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
Zach Keebaugh
Yo, there’s about a million online dating sites these days for single Lankvillians to pick from– Companions, Fair Enough Cupid, The Bump, The Pumpkin Patch, Smackers, and Sunshine, GO! are just a few of the more popular platforms. With tens of thousands of eligible ladies online, you’d think a guy could do pretty good for himself, could ratchet up some serious clean and jerk skills, if you know what I’m saying. But is online dating safe? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.
First thing I did was go undercover. Some real cloak and dagger shit, dog. Made up a bunch of fake names and used my cousin Steve’s picture for my ad– Steve’s got a face like a cherub but there’s an element of danger in his eyes– the ladies eat that fucking crap up.
Within minutes, I got several replies– even got a picture of some girl half-wrapped in a blanket on a couch flashing nothing but bare ass out the back. So, I sent her a message– “that blanket is rad, girlfriend” followed by a couple of those shiny cat stickers and a smiley face. She wrote back pretty quickly:
I’m an assertive woman with a sweet, “accommodating” boyfriend, and I’m very interested in finding someone(s) to hang out with, while he’s made to follow a few steps behind.
She invited me to meet her (and her boyfriend) at an abandoned airplane hangar in the Lankville Outlands. “He’ll be dressed as a dragon,” she wrote. “You’ll see him instantly. But you’ll have to find me!” The whole affair sounded pretty killer but was it safe? Before I said yes, I figured on making a call to Berenice Bruno, of the Lankville Online Safety Steering Committee.
“You should always meet someone for the first time in a public place, Zach,” said Bruno. “You should never, under any circumstances, meet a woman for the first time in her home or in a location that is abandoned or derelict.”
“Why?” I probed. “Plenty of open space in an airplane hangar. What’s the worst that could really happen? Besides, this is prime time shit, this is. Dude’s gonna’ be dressed as a fucking dragon.”
“All the more reason to be doubtful, Zach. Your first date with someone you meet online should be one-on-one. And you should always be leery of anyone dressed in a costume. That’s a real red flag right there, Zach.”
I let it ride a minute. Then I went in for the probe. “Is online dating safe?”
“Under certain circumstances, of course.”
“What about inter-investigation dating? You got a ruling in your little book there on that one?”
Bruno blushed and I figured on pursuing that lead a little later.
I decided to take her advice. I switched up my profile a bit, hoping to get a little classier action. I still couldn’t use my own photograph (I’m a pretty big deal around Lankville these days– can’t even walk down the street without some clown pulling up and asking me to investigate some dogshit cause), so instead I used a pic of my homeboy Brian Schropp. I was banking on Brian’s sweet and tender nature luring the ladies in like a hermit to a cave.
Unfortunately, I didn’t think about Schropp being a celebrity too. So, I ended up getting nothing but requests from fat girls who wanted discounted pizza or some review of their bullshit new cupcake kiosk. But for the sake of the investigation, I asked one out.
Her name was Vancette and we met up in the Red Room of the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall). I saw her first and let me just say, she was selling it everywhere. I sidled up to her at the bar.
“Who are you?”
“Yeah, listen, I’m zach132 from Companions. Sorry about the fake photo.”
“So…you’re not…Brian Schropp?”
“Nope. I’m all Keebaugh.” I threw open the sports jacket I had borrowed from my cousin for effect.
She seemed real disappointed. “I was really hoping you’d be Brian Schropp. I’ve always wanted to meet Brian Schropp. Have you read his wonderful reviews? He has such a refined palette. Such a sweet and tender soul. It’s going to be a lucky gal that ends up…”
I cut her off. “Listen, why don’t we get a table. After all, meat is the special tonight.”
“I don’t think so. I feel…well…disappointed and lied to.” Then, she suddenly hit me in the face with her purse. It was just like a movie– everybody stared and DJ Humphrey stopped spinning for a minute.
Later on, I called up Berenice Bruno and told her what happened.
“Well, that’s another thing about online dating, Zach. You need to be honest, forthright. It’s only fair.”
“Is online dating safe?” I probed, suddenly.
She sighed but we kept chatting on awhile after that.
So there you have it, yo, quick and easy safety tips for the first date meeting from an online connection. That shit is delivered.
OPINION: I Step Aside for No Earthly Being
By Carl Dunn
You’ve seen me. A demon in a kind of nightmare, perhaps?
Out at Twin Removed Pines Mall, over in the corner of Lot B by the frozen meat store. The boarded-up fotomat.
I live there. But maybe not for long. The Lankville government wants me out.
Back in June, when I set up my patio furniture around the fotomat, was when they first noticed. A man from the mall, his face like a pitiless crag and bearing the degenerate name of Kites. He told me I’d have to leave. I issued a hard challenge.
I pointed to a nearby half-demolished grove. “Over there. Shirts off. Five minutes.”
Turns out Kites was as chickenshit as his profligate handle. Never showed up. And time moved forward.
Then, it was October. I was planting some bulbs in the aprons of dirt on either side of the fotomat. I take care of that which I am owed.
The interlopers pulled up in a fancy town car. One of them was the pretender king, Pondicherry himself.
He looked at the fotomat for awhile. Tried the door (I hinged one of the plywood cover-ups for easy access).
“The spirit of Lankville is resiliency,” he said. “From a small seed grows homes. This is nice, what you have here. I admire your frontier spirit.”
The Sanctuary (fotomat)
I couldn’t understand anything he was talking about. This was no frontier. It was merely the soil of the Eastern Lankville Suburbs. Born and bred, I am.
Pondicherry spoke again. “I’m afraid there are people, deep within our government, who disapprove of you living in this abandoned fotomat. I am not one of them. However, the people have spoken.” And that’s when he handed me my eviction papers.
“You can hand me these papers,” I said. “But you’ll have a fight on your hands. The Dunn’s are bound to this here earth. And we possess an implacable and bitter reserve of undefeat. I will fit you into a world that is smaller than the one in which you find yourself. It is my intent to summon the effluvium of hell.”
He looked dazed. Then he vomited. It was a grotesque farrago of candy and pancakes. His seconds whisked him away. The paper I buried. The men who wrote it– they shall one day emerge from a holocaust which will take all security from them. Slashes of light shall not penetrate the dull gloom of their wasted lives.
I continued planting bulbs. I acquired the frozen meats and seared them across an open flame.
It was December. I looked across the lot. A wild Outlander on a ladder, hanging glitzy decorations over the lamp poles.
I approached him.
“It is my intent to annex this part of the lot,” I told him. “You witness that homestead?” I pointed to the fotomat.
“What? You mean that old photo booth?” His tongue was of a lower-order. An inscrutable creature.
“Aye. It can no longer hold me. I intend to build.”
“…This is the mall’s property. The fuck you think you can build there?” Colorful whorish balls ringed in gold appeared from his box. Monstrous.
I spat and went back to the ancestral edifice.
Construction began this morning. Men ringed me as I worked. But I worked consistently through dinner. They know now.
The opinions of Carl Dunn are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I Want to Tell You SO Much About How My New Boyfriend Took Me to See a Pony
By Ashley Pfeiffers
OH MY GOD! I just HAVE to tell you about how my new boyfriend took me to see a pony!
So, we were supposed to have our usual date at the Pizza A-Round. My new boyfriend borrowed his Mom’s station wagon and we headed on out to the Deep Eastern Suburbs. My new boyfriend was telling me all about a new riser pad he had just installed on his skateboard. “That wheel bite was a disaster, Ash,” he said. “But with that new riser pad, my God, my life is so much different now.” I wasn’t sure what he was talking about but he is just SO CUTE. We are so in love.
After awhile, we came to the Round but then my new boyfriend drove right by it.
“Got a surprise for you Ash. We’ll get our pizza later.”
I WAS SO EXCITED. He is just SO ROMANTIC.
We drove a little longer and then we turned off onto a country road lined by split-wood fences. Finally, my new boyfriend edged the car into a little dirt lot crowded with old farm equipment. Some chickens scurried off.
An old man appeared out of nowhere. He was eating some corn straight out of a can. He mumbled something but I couldn’t understand it.
“This is my Uncle,” my new boyfriend said. “This is his spread.”
The old man spit some corn onto some of the chickens. I almost DIED. I felt so SAD for the chickens.
“Oh, they like it, Ash,” my new boyfriend said, noticing my concern. He kissed me suddenly. The old man mumbled something else incoherent.
“Ash, we just need to walk over this hill– I’ve got something to show you.”
I followed my new boyfriend up the hill. It was steep and slick from the recent rain. “I’d climb any number of really big hills for you, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. I pushed his hair out of his face and kissed him again. We stood on top of the hill kissing passionately. WE ARE SO IN LOVE.
My new boyfriend pointed to a little barn off in the distance. “It’s in there, Ash. What I want to show you.” He took me by the hand. The sun suddenly hit us both as we descended the hill. I was SO NERVOUS!
He led me into the barn. And there, in a little wood stall, was a PONY! It had a pink bow tied around its neck.
“OH MY GOD!” I said. “Is this pony for me?”
My new boyfriend was confused. “Oh, you mean, because of the bow? Naw, my Uncle just likes putting pink bows around ponies.”
I looked up at my boyfriend.
“Yeah, I dunno.”
I spent the next hour petting the pony, brushing his mane and giving my new boyfriend all kinds of kisses! It was just the SWEETEST THING EVER!
“Ash, I’m starving, babe. What do you say we go wreck some ‘za?”
“I’ll see you again, pony!” I called. OH MY GOD– I am just so in love with him.
And my new boyfriend.
It was just the greatest day EVER!
OPINION: I’m a Total Sweetheart, I Love to Laugh and Smile, it’s Just Who I Am. I Love Kickboxing.
By LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress
I’m a total sweetheart, I love to laugh and smile, it’s just who I am. And I love kickboxing.
I got into kickboxing as a way to stay in shape while I was making jungle movies, you’ve probably seen my jungle movies a lot of people love them. I love going to the gym. And I love to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine.
I have a genuine care and heart for people and I desire to see the best in others and help people reach their full potential in life and I love kickboxing.
My newest hobbies are running and I like to run and run and run and then tell everybody all about how I just ran. I have bumper stickers on my car letting people know how far I’ve run and my goal is to experience as much as possible and I like to read about science isn’t it just fascinating? All those beautiful stars!
Fitness is really important to me but I also take care of myself inside which is why I sometimes read about science. But mostly, I stay in shape with all the kickboxing and the jungle movies it can be so stressful on the set and sometimes I just need to unwind and kick one of those big heavy bags.
I love to laugh!
Not edited for content
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was a windowless, brown-paneled office lit with glaring fluorescents. The battered steel desk was piled high with papers. The brick shitbox of an owner had leaned back in his chair and eyed me over.
“What’s it say on that sign out there?” he asked. He lit a stub of a cigar.
I thought about it for a minute. I hadn’t even noticed.
“Says your name, don’t it?” I ventured.
“Yeah, it sure does. But what’s it say below my name?” He brought an ashtray up from somewhere.
“Says CARPETS don’t it?”
“THAT’S RIGHT!” he exclaimed. He was damned excited about it. Who knew what the hell to make of the whole jackpot.
“What’s a carpet?” he asked, reflectively.
Oh Jesus, we really gonna’ do this? I fingered the little badge on my unpressed white button-up. It said “MS. OAKES”. I watched the myopic geriatric in the green visor make it up but didn’t correct it none. I didn’t figure on it mattering much.
He picked up the slack. “A carpet can be indoors. But a carpet can also be outdoors.” He let that sink in. It didn’t get that deep.
“Now, tell me, what did you walk on ‘fore you opened the door to my place?”
I racked my brain. I could feel the sweat on the back of my neck. What the hell is this gonna’ be worth to you, Oakes? What the hell.
“Was there some kinda’ fake grass, like astroturf or something?”
“THAT’S RIGHT!” He got up out of his seat and the chair skirted off into some corner. “That’s right, astroturf. You know, I gotta’ special ordnance to put that out there, over the city sidewalk? Now, did you know that?”
I admitted that I didn’t.
“Now, how many sidewalks have you seen that are carpeted? Huh, fellow? How many?”
“None, sir.”
“YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT, none. Now, get out on that floor and sell the ass out of those carpets.”
I opened the door and looked out at the showroom. There were five or six customers– two of them seemed to be arguing over something while a woman stood by helplessly. One of the other salesmen went over and broke it up. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
I lasted a day.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: FUN
Business can’t always be about business. A good work-life balance is essential. Samways and Fick, Consultants understands that and it’s why we offer a series of retreat and party options to help bring your organization closer together. Whether it be traditional weekend “bonding sessions”, low-ropes courses, or transvestism, Samways and Fick can help get your company back on track.
RETREATS
Dr. Samways with the cat.
Retreats are fully-integrated fun sessions organized and administered by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick. Employees enter a large hotel ballroom and find their seating assignments. They will notice right away that the tables are littered with novelty horns, oversized swirly lollipops, and mysterious “prize bags”, thereby alerting your staff that a day of frivolity is ahead. Next, Dr. Samways will appear from behind a curtain wearing a blue wig and holding a large cat. She (and the cat) will entertain, educate and bring your staff closer together utilizing successful time-proven patented techniques.
A small meat lunch will then be served.
Dr. Fick (and the cat) take over in the afternoon. The afternoon session is more rigorous, with staff members invited to air grievances and question authority. As the hours pass, Dr. Fick will then utilize several other successful time-proven patented techniques to bring your staff around to the wrongness of their grievances and the notion that authority is always correct. Your staff will be bound together in these new, proper rules of conduct.
No dinner is served.
PARTIES
Dr. Fick.
If your organization does not wish to make the time commitment to a retreat, then a party may be a better option. At Samways and Fick, we have several collapsible card tables, plastic punch bowls, and tent poles. A low-ropes course will be offered in the comfort and safety of your conference room. Test your staff’s meddle by asking them to balance the tent poles on their index fingers. A great lesson that they can carry on into the future as they approach death.
Our parties are designed to allow your organization to overcome interdepartmental communication breakdowns, hallway fistfighting and trust issues, develop better time management, strengthen teamwork, and more. Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick (and the cat) will create experiences that require these skills to be tested, so that your team will achieve its luscious goals. The parties build self-confidence, trust, vision and the commitment to meet the challenges of working in adverse conditions.
Find out more today by calling Samways and Fick, Consultants.
Helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain.
News Endorses Goberman for Governor of Eastern Pines Area
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
The Lankville Daily News has endorsed candidate M. Goberman for Governor of the Eastern Pines Area, it was announced today.
“Goberman represents leadership for the future [of the Eastern Pines Area]. He’s not afraid to speak his mind. We are pleased to give him our support,” noted News Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff.
Goberman, who has served two terms as a district representative for the Eastern Pines Area, is running against embattled incumbent Bradley Komminsk.
“[Komminsk] is a complete shitbird,” Goberman stated this morning at a rally outside a mall. “He’s plunged my beloved Eastern Pines Area into a god damn candied-ass turd carnival. That ends in 2016.”
The endorsement today is another feather in Goberman’s cap– the candidate already holds an 89%-7% lead in early polls with 4% of voters undecided or dead.
Goberman during a recent rally.
“I will bury him. There is no question,” Goberman averred.
Goberman has not shied away from controversy. He has stated that if he wins the governor’s seat, he will expel Komminsk from the area.
“He will not be permitted into the Eastern Pines. If he tries to enter, we will CRUSH him,” Goberman said in a recent interview.
Joygirls: Where to Find Them
By Pliny W. Howard
The opinions of Pliny W. Howard are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I’m riding along Route 55 through the Southern Outer Areas. It’s that last stretch of road before you hit prairie. They’ve got all kinds of crazy shops along both sides of the road– some of them are in old houses that they’ve added a little storefront onto, some of them are in dilapidated, broken-down shit shacks.
It’s about dusk. And that’s when I spot some joygirls.
They were in front of a closed-up deli. About three of them.
I pulled into the nearest side street and grabbed my suitcase off the back bench seat. I slipped out of my work clothes and into a tan woolen sweater with some stripes on it– my great Aunt Gladys made it for me– and my best leather jacket. I combed my hair up in the mirror and than wiped down my beard. I felt good.
I double-backed to the deli and pulled right up in front.
“Ladies,” I said.
You ARE sharp, Howard I thought to myself. Here you go, just expecting an ordinary night back at the deserted farmhouse, falling asleep drunk in front of a Lingus Nets match per usual and now you’ve found yourself a trio of joygirls. Luck was on my side that night, boys.
“Ladies, what are you doing out there on the sidewalk?” I asked. “Why, you could be in here,” I added.
Yep, I was pulling the ol’ one-arm bandit that night, fellows. And it was coming up cherries.
So, the joygirls piled on into the Neptune. I cranked on 103.5 “The Hammer” and sped off into the night.
“Where to ladies?” I asked. I was playing it cool, playing it suave. I lit up a bit of the farmhouse stash.
“Let’s go downtown!” one of the joygirls called out. She was a tall brunette in a tight skirt, hell of a set of legs. Hell of a set of a lot of things, now that you mention it.
“Naw, let’s go to the folk dinner for rubes that they’re having over at the Montecristo. Should be a blast!” another one said. A blonde in leather. Banging it out back.
The third didn’t say nothing.
“What about you darling?” I asked, tossing the blunt out the speeding Neptune. “Downtown or the folk dinner for rubes? Break the tie, baby.”
The other two started making their cases with her. Typical joygirls. I laughed.
“What if I want a third thing? A different thing?” she finally said.
I brought the car to a squealing stop in front of a knives and puzzles shop.
“Let’s figure it out, ladies!” I said. I was starting to lose my cool a little, starting to get irritated. It was that farmhouse stash, man. It was making me a little cracked.
Well, the joygirls weren’t happy about that none. They started cussing me out and then they got out of the car and disappeared into some pizza joint. And, well, that was that. Things went from feeling good to feeling bad just like that.
But the point is– joygirls. Man, you can find them anywhere.
Just look around, man.
Gladys Martinez, Author of “Gentle Keith” Dead at 85
By Bernie Keebler
Gladys Martinez, author of the popular young adult novel “Gentle Keith” has died. She was 85.
Martinez was eaten by a pelican.
“Gentle Keith”, which was published in 1968, has long been a beloved Lankville novel. It has sold over 600,000,000 copies.
Gladys Martinez is dead.
“It’s an affectionate coming-of-age story about a dog in the medieval times,” said Martinez’ agent Doyle Alexander. “The dog must choose between the comfort of the kingdom or the freedom of the hills. Well, I won’t spoil it but, let’s just say, the dog makes the right decision.”
Alexander chortled loudly and a soda was flipped off his desk in the process causing confusion.
Martinez was born in 1930 in the Snowy Lake Regions. She was briefly a reporter for the Lankville Daily News and also wrote for several popular periodicals.
“She claimed that she had a long dream about Gentle Keith,” said Martinez’ son Dennis by phone. “And she woke up from the dream and she began writing. And the rest is history.”
Martinez was also the author of 14 other juvenile novels including Last Chance for Hippo, The Reckoning, and Pretty Gold Parties in the Lost Cities.
She is survived by 4 children, 48 grandchildren, and 298 great-grandchildren.
Are Offices Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
Zach Keebaugh
Yo, any half-bred dipshit realizes that safety and health hazards can exist on worksites filled with heavy machinery, guns and equipment– where employees often are required to engage in strenuous manual labor. A dude would have to be walking around in a snow globe of shit flurries not to grab the cake on that one.
But what about a job where most of the work tasks are completed while sitting in a chair in a climate-controlled office building? Seems less fraught with danger, right? However, I’ve seen it asserted that a surprising number of hazards are present in an office setting. I aimed to find out the truth on that. I am Zach Keebaugh– Investigative Reporter.
First, I went down to the library (the one I was going to had been bulldozed and replaced by a mall, so I huffed another 15 miles to the next one) and checked out the stats. According to data from the Lankville Bureau of Labor Mutilations, 19,480,410 private-industry office and administrative workers suffered on-the-job injuries in 2014. Many of these injuries could have been prevented had workers or supervisors recognized the risks and implemented simple workplace modifications to help mitigate them. I had my lead.
So next, I huffed it down to the National Pondicherry Safety Council and met up with Dr. Jeenie Paquette. Jeenie and I got along right off the bat and, I’ll admit, I was pushing pretty hard to the net. But then I got down to business with the good doctor.
“So WHAT THE FUCK, doc. How can we get rid of all these hazards and raise employee awareness?
“Well, Zach, I’ve split up common office safety problems into a series of three categories.”
“You can do whatever you want, mama,” I purred.
“Right…well, Zach, the first major category are “office falls.”
Dr. Paquette says that last year alone, Lankville office works fell 3,987,412 times.
“The best thing to do is stay clutter-free. Keep boxes, buckets, wagons, papers, etc. out of the way and maintain a clear line of vision throughout the office. And if you have to reach up, use a safety step stool. We see all kinds of office workers trying to cut corners by stacking chairs together or ripping out the divider stalls in the bathroom and using them as ladders. That’s a no-no. Every office should have at least one working step stool.”
“What about just taking a full garbage can and stepping in that?” I probed. “Now, what the hell can be wrong with that?”
“No, Zach. Garbage tends to collapse when you step on it.”
Don’t end up like these King Hill fuckheads. Make your office safe, yo!
“I didn’t know that. You’re good.” I flashed her some pearlies. “What’s next, doc?”
Turns out, the next most common office mishap is getting struck by an object or beheaded. According to the digits, Lankville office workers were struck 5,277,314 times in 2014 and 7854 Lankvillians were beheaded.
“You want to avoid objects swinging from the ceiling, especially decorative seasonal objects,” Paquette asserted. We had an office recently that hung actual 30-pound pumpkins from the drop ceiling. A lot of people were killed.”
“Sounds like a bunch of assholes. Hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. That shit’s bush league, man. What else you got? We’re not even gonna’ go into stupid-ass activities like hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. Those fuckers are on their own.”
“Well, Zach, our final category is perhaps the most common but the most problematic to address. It’s ergonomic injuries.”
“You talking about those funny chairs that the foreign guys come around selling?”
She seemed confused. “Well, they sell them everywhere, Zach. But ergonomics are not just about chairs. They’re also about keyboard and mouse placement, workstation deficiencies, even the way people sit or put their feet on the floor.”
Dr. Paquette also noted that workstations should be adjustable. “We all have different bodies, Zach. Adjustable means able to accommodate the widest range of employees possible.”
“Fat people?” I probed.
“A…variety of options should be available,” Dr. Paquette responded.
So, BOOM, DELIVERED. A good bunch of options on how to improve workplace safety and put an end to all these injuries and deaths over the last few years. By the way, after the big mouth-party of this interview was over with, Dr. Paquette and I walked down to a Meyer Plantain Hut and wolfed some of those fucked-up banana-looking things.
It was alright.
Medical Research by Dr. Yothers
Dr. Yothers
We have listed below some of the Medical and Laboratory research that has been done with Regent Jelly:
Many authorities still dispute the efficacy of Regent Jelly while others consider it a potential BOON to Mankind.
- Dr. Tim Teufel, Small Hills Institute of Lankville, October, 2014.
- Bedrosian’s Problem of Aging, Dr. Roy Smalley (Reprinted from Lankville Journal of Gerontology (defunct), Vol. 8, No. 3, July, 2013.
- Analyses of Regent Jelly, Pollen, and Bikes, Nevin Weaver and Charlie Huddy (Technical Contribution, No. 2865, Lankville Agricultural Experiment Station.)
- Longevity Factors in Regent Jelly, Dr. Cecilio Guante (Reprinted from BIG Lankville Journal of Aging– Digest Rack Format, Vol. 3, No. 1, January, 2013.)
We make no claims for REGENT JELLY. We have merely accumulated reports that have been made as a result of experimentation and research by Doctors, Electronics Experts, Laboratory Assistants, Nutritionists and Consultants in many parts of Lankville.
IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN-ANOTHER CRAZY PIZZA MORNING!!
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
The cool winds of late Fall could not keep me comfortable in the huge rainbow pizza outfit I have been wearing this week. By mid-afternoon, my body was on the verge of collapse from the constant walking up and down Fairland Ave (with NO lunch break). My face drenched in sweat with the sparkling rainbow makeup (applied before my shift) running down like tears. The interim manager, Ms. Van Palmolive Verracut, would check on me now and again screaming from her car, “you need to be magical!! Let the joy of your heart SING!!!” That was her way of telling me if I didn’t pick up my game there would be a beating with the ‘rainbow stick’ waiting for me back at ‘The Round’. So, the prancing and dancing would hit overdrive causing deep foot blistering not to mention the mental anguish of all my fellow Deep Northern Suburban neighbors seeing me act the fool.
I can now tell you, for a fact, there is nothing more embarrassing than being knocked over by the wind of a speeding vehicle and then having other motorists throw bottles and trash at you while you scramble to get up. The two days have seemed yet again like two years with my limited, Mom-controlled intake of breakfast sandwiches not helping my mental state.
So I was up early this morning, extra early, the rainbow suit got quite dirty yesterday from all the trash-throwing so a deep cleaning was in order. Plus, Ms. Van Palmolive Verracut wanted to apply a new face paint design using some super strong acrylic which would stick to my skin longer but would possibly be more toxic. “Those are the risks, Bri,” she commented.
Van Palmolive Veeracut- now gone!!!
Then, just like a few weeks ago, as I turned the corner of Lorain and Fairland, I felt the same sense of dread hit me when I saw the yellow police tape again. Everything almost played out like before expect for a few minor details. The policemen inside the front door tripped me up a little when I walked in and one muttered “rainbow pansy” which made the group snicker.
Detective Gee-Temple was still over at the prep station but this time he was building little stacks with the pepperoni. His words were still the same. “Looks like there might be an early shift in your future, Bri.” His arm went up to reveal a new set of invisible stairs. “She’s gone–”
Right on cue I mouthed the last word.
“Yup, seems like a giant bird swooped down the other night snatching Verracut while she was getting into her car. We’ve been having those problems with the big pelicans…” He trailed off strangely, then recovered. “Lloyd Byas-Kirk is out back. he’ll show ya.”
We made the same walk to the back parking lot. Lloyd was of course out there. He was leaning against the railing looking at a dirty, beat-up porn magazine which had been by the dumpsters for a few weeks. Gee-Temple and I were right upon him before he even noticed us.
My fellow reporter squinted up at the sky like he was staring into the sun even though it was a cloudy day. “Folks down the road heard her over their house around 10:30 last night. She was screaming about unicorns and pizzas, her voice got fainter and fainter as the bird took her up and then she was—–gone.”
He then motioned over to her car (which had rainbow and unicorn decals all over it).
The driver’s side door was still open which I guess was the only proof they needed.
“So no one saw the actual bird?” I asked.
Detective Gee-Temple
There was an awkward silence before Gee-Temple spoke. “Giant birds come down from the Northern Hills every once in awhile and swoop people up. It’s a shame but it happens.”
“Plus the folks down the street heard her screaming OVER the house,” Lloyd chimed in looking at me like I was the biggest idiot in the world.
“What happened to her bodyguard?”
The Detective pointed into the woods. “Footprints leading into there are more than likely his. Probably became so distraught he ran into the woods, you hear that happening when people witness a giant bird snatching another person, it just happens. Probably get eaten by hill people if he wanders too far in like that other fella.”
Officially, no one really knows what happened to the other interim manager, Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins, since a search party never went after him.
So now I sit here in the office using my portable teletype wondering if we will open ‘The Pizza A-Round’ today. I can see through the office window ‘Big’ James and Charlie ‘The Nugget Guy’ making their way across the parking lot. I guess word is spreading quickly about an absent manager and they are coming to clock in. I have no doubt the others will be here soon and we will give it a go!! As always I will keep you updated!!-Bri
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK