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PUBLIC SHAME: I Was Lurking Again
By Otis Nixon
A LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: PUBLIC SHAME SPECIAL
You kind of know when you’re slipping.
I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years. Without fail, I go to the support group that meets in the gym on Tuesdays. Things have been pretty solid with Teri. The News gave me the big Keebaugh scoop. And there haven’t been any false reports about me dying lately. Been a solid couple of months.
Even so, where did I find myself last night?
Lurking. Lurking in a swamp.
I’ll tell you about it. So, I was down outside the Great Lankville Swamps of the South. We were initially doing a story about how a lot of the towns down there are just sinking into the swamps. Matter of fact, I was supposed to go out to this island that had been a big resort at one time. They put me up in a motel room and told me to wait. So, I got a pack of tall-boys, a basket of wings and a pile of magazines. I thought, hell, why not make a night of it? So, I’m just lying around getting a little drunk and then I get a call and they tell me the island just partially collapsed into the swamp. Then, after about an hour, the guy calls again. “Ok, well, it just completely sunk into the swamp. I’m calling from a raft.”
Well, that was that.
So, I called up Marles Cundiff (Lankville Daily News editor) and asked him what I should do. “Whyn’t you just wander around in some of the swamps, just get a feel for ’em. We’ll make it a kind of travel/human interest piece,” he said.
The next morning, I rented a car and drove down to the northern edge of the swamps. There were a number of dirt service roads and I followed one out to the edge. There was another guy there, dumping a couple of corpses into the slough and I asked him about that, figuring on getting a good quote for my story. But he wasn’t interested in talking much.
I wandered around for awhile and I got more and more lost. I got a little panicky. I removed my dress shirt straight over my head and lowered myself slowly into the bog. I saw more guys pulling up along the distant fringes, dumping bodies. “Jesus Christ, they have a real problem with that down here,” I thought to myself, in a rare moment of lucidity. It passed and I covered my face with mud and began moving slowly through the muck.
Hours flew by. I came upon a finger of land jutting out into the mire. There was a cabin on stilts and a homespun woman hanging wash on a clothesline that reached from the house to a pole that rose impossibly out of the water. When she was finished, the line suddenly broke and all the clothes dropped into the swamp, disappearing forever.
She didn’t seem bothered by this at all– it was as though she expected it. I was intrigued.
And then, before I knew it, I was lurking.
I lurked all night. Just outside the range of her meager porch light. I believe she heard me a few times, I believe she knew I was there. By morning, surrounded by mysterious submerged creatures, I was hysterical and completely covered in swamp mud. The authorities found me.
I awoke in a small, ill-lit cell still covered in mud. The mud dropped off of me in great chunks. I suddenly became aware of a detective. I cleared my eyes and saw it was Gee-Temple.
“Lurking again, huh, Nixon?”
And I had to admit my shame.
I also told him about all the dumped bodies but he didn’t seem too concerned with that.
So, now, I’m starting over. I am Otis Nixon. I am a lurker.
OPINION: It’s Brian Schropp’s Birthday and Shit
By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round
There’s a lot of people already calling up, asking for heart-shaped pizzas. I guess it’s Valentine’s Day or some crap.
But I’m here to give you a better reason to pick up a Pizza A-Round pie.
It’s Brian Schropp’s birthday and shit.
That’s right. My main man turns, like 38 or 43 or whatever, today. And to celebrate– the Round is dropping a deal on you, Lankville. You order a Mid-Morning Breakfast Snack Pizza (available all-day, today ONLY), mention Brian’s birthday, and we’ll deliver it FOR FREE. Even though I gave Big Bri the day off today, I kept him here at the Round until about 4AM last night, prepping these bad boys. So, we got a shit-ton of ’em.
Call now.
And Happy Birthday, my man.
Pondicherry: Making Lankville Great Again. Forever.
President Pondicherry
A STATE OF LANKVILLE ADDRESS
I recently attended a standing poster display at a mall. The posters created a sort of aisle that led directly to the food court. It positively glittered.
The posters discussed how Lankville was once really great but now isn’t great at all. I turned to ask one of my handlers why– why was Lankville no longer great? But they had all run off. I was standing there alone.
And I thought– is this how the average Lankvillian feels? Alone? Unsafe? Too far away from food?
I made a vow right then and there (well, after I got an oversized soft cookie) that I would make Lankville great again. And this time– it would be forever. I stayed up kind of late that night drafting a plan. I call it “The Making Lankville Great Again. Forever. Plan.”
At this time, I cannot reveal very many details of the Making Lankville Great Again. Forever. Plan. See, we are having it spiral-bound. But when it comes back from the Office Dump, I guarantee you will be the first to know, Lankville. You are always in my heart– I carry you with me always.
I will give you one little preview:
Pyramids.
God bless you and God bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
Lankville Birds Have Learned to Use Fire
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A scientific conference heard evidence today that Lankville birds have learned to use fire, sources are reporting.
“The birds pick up smoldering sticks or fire clubs and drop them in unburnt territory,” said ornithologist Graham Pipettes of the Southern Lankville Harder University. “Although the behavior has not been photographed, the accounts are reliable and confirmed,” Pipettes added.
Pipettes and his colleagues recently completed a survey of over 1,000 first-hand accounts of the activity.
“A great number were from bumpkins but we also have many reports from park rangers and those people charged with conducting early dry season burns to prevent the build-up of flammable material.”
The future of Lankville?
“Also, Brock Belvedere,” Pipettes added after a mysterious pause.
The activity makes evolutionary sense, Pipettes told Household Parakeet Magazine (Lankville’s only bird-based periodical), because fires provides birds with a major food source. “Reptiles, frogs, insects and squirrels rush away from the fire, and then the birds just wait in front, right at the foot of the fire, waiting to catch them. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” Pipettes said. “Small fires often attract so many birds that there’s not even enough prey, so a bird that was being beaten to its lunch might benefit from starting its own new fire away from all the other prior fires.”
Pipettes giggled nervously and the interview was ended prematurely.
Many in the political community are doubtful of the conference’s findings. President Pondicherry took to social media to express his views on the subject.
“If I pick up a stick that’s on fire and drop it in the woods, the woods will not catch on fire,” said the President. “And I love birds.”
A press conference is expected later today.
Royer Renovating Building
By Bill Hubble
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Progress on the Royer Building.
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has been renovating a building in the Snowy Lake Regions, sources are confirming.
The building, which suffered wind damage last spring and was later bombed in a challenge, was once a warehouse for the Life Lessons Funeral Home.
“It’s very gratifying seeing an historic structure return like some sort of godless revenant and grab a piece of its former grandeur and glory,” noted Royer in a prepared statement. “I’ve been able to watch the progress first-hand from a large chair that I had constructed and set right in the middle of the main room.”
Royer declined to comment on his intentions for the building but said that he likes the idea of starting a fitness center or a magic shop.
“Maybe both,” Royer averred, as his gaze suddenly swung to the ceiling for reasons unclear.
Royer is the founder and owner of Worlds of Royer Toys, an icynene foam installation service and a dinner theatre among other holdings. He currently lives at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
Identity of Youth Mystifies Police
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
There is a boy in the Southern Pond Area jail who is proving very much of a conundrum.
The boy, who was arrested on January 15th in the act of distributing lewd pamphlets, has confounded area and national police.
“We have been unable to find out exactly who he is,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was called to the scene. “He first gave his name as George Peterson and then later as Tom Barrasso, Jr. and still later as Floyd Tettleton. At first, he said he came from the Islands but now he’s saying that he comes from the Hills. He has, at various times, said the Eastern and Western Hills.”
The boy is about 15 years of age, stands 5 feet 2 inches and weighs 375 pounds.
A series of lewd pamphlets recently seized by Lankville police.
“He’s pretty wide,” Gee-Temple added. “He’s probably wider than he is tall, if you can imagine.”
The boy stated at first that he had never gone to school but then later said that he had completed two years at a Hill School. He said he had left the Hills two years ago, had been on a boat at one time and arrived in the Southern Pond Area some time last summer. He could not remember the names of his parents or any relatives.
“Hill people sometimes don’t have names,” Gee-Temple noted. “They are a mean people, bound to the soil.”
The boy would not elaborate on how he had taken up the vocation of lewd pamphleteer. “It was a pamphlet catering to behinds,” Gee-Temple stated. “As in, rumps,” the intrepid detective averred.
The distribution of lewd pamphlets carries an automatic sentence of 60 years in the Southern Pond Area.
“I suppose there’s a chance that the boy could serve less time due to being underage,” said Gee-Temple. “He could also, of course, be sent to a retarded home. We’ll just have to see how it plays out.”
Second Volume of Keebaugh Memoirs to Be Released Tomorrow
By Otis Nixon
The second volume of Lankville Daily News correspondent Zach Keebaugh’s memoirs will be released tomorrow, sources are confirming.
My Tussle: Book Two: A Boy in Love, a 1,413-page tome covering “Keebaugh’s middle school years” has gotten rave reviews.
“Keebaugh’s second volume is a monument to the rapture and intoxication of young love,” said literary critic Bernard Varrone, Jr. “When he writes– “yo, love is like the miracle of cool rivers and shit-vast forests” the reader can relate to that in a profound and personal way.”
Keebaugh says that My Tussle: Book Two: A Boy in Love will cover his life from grades 6-8.
Keebaugh, author of “My Tussle”.
“Yo, the book begins with a 100-page reflection on my rejection at the hands of this ginger chick Nicole Wilderson and ends with me and Michelle Farley in a swimming pool at the end of my eighth grade summer,” the writer noted. “What a night that was but another pivotal moment in my struggle.”
Keebaugh is already working on volume three.
“The original plan was to drop a tetraology. A big old fuckin’ tet, man. But now, I’m thinking that this bad boy could end up being six or seven volumes, man. Shit, I’m only at the end of the eighth grade.”
My Tussle: Book Two: A Boy in Love has already sold several thousand advance copies and will be available at most Lankville bookshops.
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews UFOlogist Brian Schropp (not to be confused with Lankville Daily News cuisine writer Brian Schropp).
GT: So, for awhile, everybody thought that you were the guy that wrote those delightful articles about food. You’re not?
BS: (deep sighing for 45 seconds): Anybody who is remotely familiar with Dr. Stephen Altbright’s seventeen volume series ‘History Of The Schropp’s In Modern Day Lankville’ knows there are two distinct yet totally separate Schropp bloodlines. That other Brian Schropp belongs to the lesser more primitive bloodline which messed around with all those Hill People. I can assure you Mr. Tibbs, I am in no way connected with that so-called cuisine writer. And quite frankly I’m getting sick and tired of strangers coming up to me asking for my opinion on which pizza pouch would best suit their needs. I AM NOT THAT WRETCHED LOATHSOME MAN!!
GT: You look a little like him.
BS: Please do not insult me any further.
GT: What a delight! Do you like food?
BS: In the respect that everyone needs food to survive, then yes. You might say I have what is called a ‘delicate stomach’ so most foods, even with just a hint of spice, will give me a major case of ‘the runs’. Most of what I eat is very bland and pasty.
GT: Do you prefer flying saucers over food?
The other Brian Schropp
BS: What a silly question! Yes, of course. Food is just a boring constant in our lives. But UFOs, especially on the topic of how gravity relates to them, is so endlessly fascinating. I was a little shocked to find that I was the first to write about this subject matter.
GT: Really fabulous. What is space?
BS: Depends on what you mean by ‘space’. There is the space around us, here in this room. Space between the atoms of each thing in this room, including us. Then you have the space above us which surrounds the room and atoms. So you might ask yourself, ‘How does a flying saucer factor into all these spaces?’ I don’t mind telling you if you’re curious.
GT: Just super. What is gravity?
BS: Depends on what you exactly mean by ‘gravity’. You see, you have the gravity which is holding us down here in our seats. We also have the gravity which holds not only our planet but other mighty celestial things in the cosmos in place, almost like a super dark matter gravity. Now you might ask yourself, ‘How does a flying saucer factor into these different types of gravities?’ I don’t mind telling you if you’re curious.
GT: A lot of people are seeing flying saucers lately. Why?
BS: Well that really depends on what is meant by ‘seeing’. What does the human eye really see? Can our eyes really see the true reality of things, like gravity for instance? Then you need to ask yourself, ‘How does a flying saucer factor into us not seeing the things around us?’ I really don’t mind explaining any of this if you’re curious.
GT: Just remarkable. Do you think aliens have guns?
BS: Oh hell yes! Big huge laser monstrosities which can rip a man’s soul apart. If you have any guns maybe we can pretend to be aliens and then maybe pretend or not so pretend to kill some people.
GT: I have some guns.
(There was a pause and then Tibbs and Schropp ran off with each other).
How to Plan the Perfect Valentine’s Day for Your Husband, Boyfriend, or Lover
By Shirley Naphouse
Celebrate the love you feel for your husband, boyfriend, or lover this Valentine’s Day by going out of your way to make it just absolutely perfect. It doesn’t have to be expensive, complex, or at a water park; rather, a successful Valentine’s Day results from thoughtful planning and paying attention to the small details that you know matter to him.
BE THE ONE DOING THE WOOING
Traditionally, it’s the man who does the wooing on Valentine’s Day. Why not turn the tables this year? Make a change by taking charge and wooing him instead. Sneak up behind him and put your hand over his eyes so he can’t see anything. Shove a soft teddy bear in his face while cooing, “Guess who! Guess who!” Men just love that kind of thing. It’ll surprise him and he’ll enjoy it.
BUILD IT UP
Start talking about the big day early and often. Leave a bunch of notes about it and a picture of you two together on his car. Cover the car in roses a week beforehand. Make frequent phone calls to his work number and hang up. And do something different with yourself like wearing a pony tail or shoes that light up. And if he doesn’t notice, just assume he thinks you look beautiful like you always do!
OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING ON THE DAY
This means paying, driving, organizing, etc. You’re giving him a day off “from love”, with his only responsibility to enjoy! But don’t emasculate him by proverbially cock-blocking his efforts; if he prefers to drive, for example, he won’t find it romantic to be forced to sit on his hands in the passenger seat or in the bed of a pickup truck with that hay you picked up earlier that week. Be aware of his needs.
DRESS UP
Where appropriate, dress up as much as possible to make it a really super special occasion. Obviously, if you’re on a horse-riding date or at a Lingus Nets match, you’ll need to consider clothing changes but for the formal and dressy parts of the date, look your absolute best. Any dress less than, say, $400, will just not do. But remember, taking care to remind him of how stunning you are is only one part of the dressing up; it’s also about feeling your luscious bests and about showing you care enough to make the effort for a special occasion.
DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM BLUSH
There are some things that only he should ever get to see and this can be used to your advantage when thinking up ways to surprise him. Some ideas include:
- Get a fake tattoo somewhere really private. Consult the internet if you’re not sure where that is. Make it something meaningful like his name (first or last) or a special secret the two of you share. If you’re feeling really wild, make it a real, permanent tattoo! Or suggest the two of you get one together! Consult the internet again if you’re not sure where his private areas are.
- Get a nude photo portfolio taken of you by a professional (and reputable) nude portfolio photographer. Classy nude photos of you in an album may be one of the best gifts he’s ever received!
- Proclaim your love for your husband in public. Hang a banner that says you love him in a place where lots of people get to read it (in a mall, off a highway ramp, covering the door of his office. Ring up a radio show and have them “play your song” along with your words of love. Leave an enormous loving card at his work that just begs to be read by the receptionist. Have a t-shirt printed with his face and words of love written on it and wear it all day. Get balloons printed with his face inside a love heart, have them filled with helium and walk around with them.
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
Men like sex. So sexual intercourse should definitely be part of the plan on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but try to spice it up, to make it special. Let your hair down, so to speak. Either that, or just go straight for anal. But be adventurous, spontaneous, and make it fun for both of you. If you show him a wild night, it’s guaranteed that he’ll remember it for years to come.
This Lamp, this World
Sultry Stories by Cindy Cones
The stories of Cindy Cones are recommended for individuals over 18 years of age.
This lamp, this world.
You remember when we bought this lamp, baby? You and me- it was supposed to last forever, right? “This is a good sturdy lamp,” the salesman said. I looked past him– right at you, remember? You pursed your lips, ran your hand through your hair. “We’ll take it,” you said. “I’ll wrap it for you,” the salesman said.
“There’s no need.”
The salesman was surprised but neither one of us was looking at him, right? You were blinking quickly but your gaze was black and direct and boring into me.
“I need some men’s products. You got any men’s products around here?” you asked.
“Sure,” the salesman said. He pointed down the street. “Go down a block or so. Must be four or five places. You can’t miss ’em.” He handed you the lamp then. You took it.
We spent awhile in the store. You got what we needed and more besides. Couple of auto-jiggers, a bullfight poster, three handguns, a lighter with your name engraved on it. And some hardware. Hardware to hang our lamp.
We got home. You found a step stool, remember that? A hammer, some of that hardware. And then you found something else.
My lips.
We kissed passionately. It seemed to me that all the loneliness and craving of my whole life was satisfied in that instant. And yet, I was almost frightened by the web of coincidences that had woven our lives together. What if even a single strand had broken? What if I had not been sent from the High Hills Area to the Snowy Lake Area? What if you had not been working in the hard toy department of that store I had wandered into? What if…what if…
You shoved me erotically onto a sofa. “When I kiss you, I see a flare of saffron in the sky,” you said. Remember that? “The white-hot heat,” I said.
Then, it was just you and me.
And then it wasn’t. It was just the lamp. The room was empty and forlorn. The walls were peeling. And I found your letter.
“Had to go out for more guns. Be back,” you wrote.
That was five months ago.
And now…it’s just this lamp…and me…and this world.
Flying Saucers Today
By Graahaam Fosdick
On January 7th, at 10:16 a.m., Gene Chilley, a candy-maker in the Western Hills, was working in his candyhouse when he thought he would step outside for a breath of fresh air. Scarcely had he done so, then a strange shimmering glow in the sky made him look upwards. At a point just above the Great Western Hills Mall, a luminous disc as big as the moon but much brighter, was hanging motionless. Mr. Chilley, startled and incredulous, rubbed his eyes several times but the object remained there in the sky and continued to do so for several minutes. Then, suddenly, the object began a rocking movement, discharged a dazzling series of light spheres which illuminated several mall anchor stores, and then began moving at immense speeds directly towards Mr. Chilley.
“I ducked and covered my head,” Mr. Chilley noted later. “There was a tremendous blow and I flew several feet away into a shed.”
“What was in the shed?” we probed.
“Candy,” Mr. Chilley answered immediately.
“Go on,” we encouraged.
” Well, when I came to, my candyhouse had its roof skillfully and cleanly removed and all the candy I had just made was gone.”
Almost at the same moment, at 10:18 a.m., Larry Klacik, an employee of Randy Pendleton’s Double Book Hut, was preparing to urinate in a copse adjacent to the bookstore. “I had got to work a little early, so I was just hanging out in my car trying to drink one off. After awhile, I had to get rid of some of that beer and the copse was pretty inviting for that sort of thing. Anyway, I looked up and there was a shining disc vanishing towards the west horizontally at enormous speeds. There was an orange-colored light trailing behind it and the light expanded and knocked me to the ground. Oddly, when I awoke a few minutes later, I no longer felt the need to micturate although I was still thirsty for more of that beer.”
Flying saucer (file photo)
That same evening, a spokesman for the Western Hills Division of the Lankville Assocation of Space Achievers issued the following statement: “It is very probable that the phenomenon seen by many individuals in the Western Hills Area this morning was a meteorite.”
The explanation leaves us here at Flying Saucers Today unsatisfied. For even though we admit, for the sake of argument, that doubts may be cast on Mr. Chilley and Mr. Klacik’s stories (Mr. Chilley is frequently crazy and Mr Klacik frequently drunk) we cannot for ever disregard the many similar accounts which repeat many of the same cogent details. Take for instance “the rocking movement” described by Mr. Chilley. This movement has been similarly reported by millions of witnesses from all over Lankville. Can millions of people be wrong?
“I would argue, yes,” noted a government official who refused to be identified. “A few years back, everyone went on and on about those giant mystical lake serpents. It got to the point where we had all sorts of diving teams go in and, of course, no giant mystical lake serpents were found. It’s the same sort of craze.”
Again, we are left unsatisfied. This sort of official indifference does nothing to quell the flood of reports that come in almost daily. “I saw a balloon moving at extraordinary speed that then turned into two balloons,” says one. “I saw a disc that was motionless for a really long time,” says another. “I saw one that I’m pretty sure was equipped with all sorts of vintage electronics,” says a third.
We need to know. We need to know now. The fate of Lankville depends upon it.
What Happens When Nobody Picks Up a Pizza?
By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round
When you order a pizza, you enter into a contract.
99% of the time, that contract is honored by both parties. The pizzeria makes the pizza, the customer picks up the pizza. Pretty elementary. Happens every day, millions and millions of times all across Lankville (and sometimes in the islands).
But every so often, that contract breaks down. That voice on the other end– the one that said they’d be “carrying out” that pizza. Well, let’s just say that they don’t hold up their end of the bargain. That pizza never gets picked up. It sits on a counter waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
What’s to be done?
There are two philosophies on this. The first is that– hey– the employees of the pizzeria get themselves a free meal. Maybe somebody gets to take it home. Maybe it gets thrown out your car window at a homeless person at the end of your shift.
But me– I’ve never taken that philosophy. That ain’t how we do it at the Round– let’s just say that.
First, let’s look at the information available to you about your deadbeat customer. You got a phone number. That’s essential. Maybe you got a name. That’s secondary. You got some idea of where they live. After all, there ain’t nobody that’s gonna’ drive more than 20 minutes for a pie.
Now, you might be thinking– what the hell can I do with such minimal information.
The answer is a lot. If you got the right tools.
At the Round, we subscribe to a database that allows one to access in-depth information on just about anyone, provided that you’ve got a phone number. In the past, I wouldn’t even have told you that we had that database but the thing is, the guy that sold it to us– he’s dead. Killed in a challenge. Matter of fact, he was challenged twice in one evening, the story goes. But that’s neither here nor there.
Back to the database. You got the number, now you just plug it in and BAM- you got yourself an address. Not only that– but you can break down the details on the house itself. We’re talking square footage, number of stories, semi-detached or single family, all that shit.
And now it’s just a matter of making a plan. What will be your approach? Some people go straight for the front door– couple of loud fist knocks and a demand for payment. Me? I go for a side window and a knife in my mouth. I hold up the pizza. “WHAT ABOUT THIS, ASSHOLE?” I usually yell. Oh, it scares the living hell out of them.
Every place may have a slight variation on this technique. You can’t argue with the pie graphs that my boy Bri made up though. We get payment from 9 out of 10 deadbeats.
We ain’t no lightweights.
Who is the Man From Across the Wall?
Thoughts…by Lance Blankenship
All of Craughing is waiting. Waiting to find out the identity of the man from across the wall.
Just this morning, I traveled down to Panda Barrier Island to meet with several high-level gentlemen from the refinery– the one where they refine water from the gulf and then dump it back into the gulf in jars for reasons not entirely clear. If you’ve ever traveled along the Memory Pool Trail, you’ll know the one.
Many of the men were afraid. “We’ve taken to locking our doors at night,” said one. “We never locked our doors before even when someone was staying over and sleeping on an air mattress right in the front room.” The men began talking about air mattresses. “The flocked top eliminates the need for sheets,” said one. “I like the extra-wide opening on the valve,” said another, who left the room shortly thereafter following a moment of pure awkwardness as refined as that aforementioned gulf water.
Well, we know what men in factories think. What about the women? I spoke with one (we’ll call her Daisy) who keeps house at a Panda Barrier Island motel.
“We’ve been told to keep an eye out,” said the redheaded Daisy, whose ebullient disposition is known far and wide in these parts. “I just can’t imagine what he wants with little old Craughing. We keep to ourselves, we don’t get involved in these sort of international multicultural sort of things.”
“Fuck him,” Daisy added, after a long pause.
And so the ladies have chimed in. Well, now it’s Lance Blankenship’s turn.
I think we need to be patient. I think we need to allow the gentle hand of justice to reach out, to cup this individual, whoever he may be. We need to show him our big flaming beacon of hope– many of our big flaming beacons of hope, even. It need not just be one beacon. We need to show him reason. And most of all, we need to show him love.
Godspeed.
Lance
A Christmas Story by Brian Schropp
By Brian Schropp
I was lost in a mist of nacho cheese floating down a pizza sauce river to nowhere. Was I back on the raft? The hideous laughter of the Floating Pizza Baby Slice boomed around me. I curled further into my defensive ball position putting my hands over my ears. Was I having a nightmare or was this reality? I had a hard time telling the difference of late.
“Did you really think you could defeat me?” it said in its own horrific baby ga- ga voice. “I will always be here to bring about your downfall!! Take a peek through the mist Bri, you will see what I mean!”
Do I really succumb to his madness? Even if you had the will of a thousand Scott’s, sometimes in a nightmare you have no choice. Opening my eye just a fraction I saw them. Just visible through the cheese on either side of the river were row upon row of giant dancing pizza purses, moving in unison like in some twisted animation movie. The pizza purses have been the bane of my existence and anyone who works at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’s’ existence for some time now. Seeing how we were late to jump on the ball, business has been in a downward spiral especially with us only being open now on Fridays 4-9 PM, Saturdays 11-6 PM, and Sundays 2-2:30 PM. We are on the verge of bankruptcy!!
Real or imagined, the baby pizza slice still haunts me.
This, of course, has sent me into a personal spiral of self-doubt and depression since Scott had put the pressure on me to find a solution to the pizza purse matter. I had rarely failed him or the company before but since our epic struggle last month with the Floating Baby Pizza Slice I haven’t been the same man. The nightmares are getting more frequent and more intense. Things have gotten so bad that my parents have hired Dr. Nickelbee (my whacked-out therapist and failed presidential candidate under the Green Sanity Party) as my ‘live-in roommate’ in my basement apartment. Needless to say this action isn’t helping matters and that mess is whole other article.
I tried to tighten myself further into my defensive ball, trying to stop the laughter, trying to stop the visions of the dancing pizza purses, trying to stop the hurt and pain!! It was all too much– even if this was a nightmare, this twisted pizza river was carrying me to end of the line. All hope was lost. Or was it?
I felt it before anything, a little light inside telling me they were near. Then the music (always so sweet) peaking again. I was the hurricane, small at first, then becoming bigger, whirling through the nacho cheese mist. From out of this wondrous spinning ray of hope came the bumpkins. They were not in their trailer but instead on what appeared to be some badly constructed cardboard contraption which vaguely looked like a sleigh. Either small dogs or large rats were pulling them along. Some of then wore jingly bell collars.
The Floating Baby Pizza Slice ga-gaed in anger and raced up to the approaching group. It was like a cosmic game of chicken with neither side backing down from the challenge. And then, both sides collided at full force. I had seen this happen one time before and yet again there was the blinding flash which obscured my vision for a moment. When I was able to get my wits about me I was still on the raft but it had stopped floating. The purses and nacho mist were gone as well. Somehow the cardboard was now in front of me just a few feet away. It was so close I could see even see the white glittering teeth of those rat/dog things. A bumpkin got off the back of the ‘sleigh’ moving towards my huddled, quivering body. To my delight and amazement this bumpkin was the same ‘elf bumpkin’ I saw from a year ago (please see my exciting Xmas story of the previous years for details). And yes readers you need not worry, he was still dressed the same. Now by my side, he knelt down and in his light sweet voice whispered something in my ear. It was so faint I could hardly hear it—-
Every man, woman and child seems to have a pizza purse these days.
That’s when I woke up, almost hitting my head on the top part of my new bunk bed. In my sweat-drenched panic, I replayed this new dream in my mind. All the horror, seeming like it was the end, then the bumpkins—-what had the elf one said? At first I felt like it was totally lost, then again lightly and sweetly he whispered through my mind. It was the solution to this whole pizza purse problem. An idea so simple it was staring me in the face the whole damn time!!
I quickly got out of bed; I had to find Scott and fast. I knew this wasn’t going to be any easy feat, he was taking our woes very hard as well. Dr. Nickelbee heard me getting ready and hopped down from the top bunk. He wanted to have a ‘jammy time session’ to talk about my dream but I had to push him aside, there was no time for that foolishness. At the break of dawn I was on my scooter looking for Scott.
I found him in a back back alley in Downtown Lankville. After tossing the trash bags aside and the few loose women off him, I sat him up on a wooden crate to try and sober him up. I tried to relay my dream to him but he didn’t want to hear about it. “Can’t you see I’m living a nightmare of my own, Bri!!” he said through his whiskey breath with a crazy look in his eyes.
Pizza Pouches!!! Hoping this will be the ‘next big thing’.
“But it’s okay Scott, the answer has finally come. We don’t need to make edible pizza purses, we just need to make portable pizza pouches!! Dudes-and most butch women-don’t want to carry purses anyways. And if we make clear that people can show off the best looking slice they got! Well…”
I saw a gleam in his eye.
Getting him sober enough (which is about the best you can do anyways), we were at the Lankville Patent Office first thing when they opened. Well that was a few days ago and let me tell you things are already turning for the good. The first few test pouches are looking great and there is a new hot buzz going around about them!! This weekend will be the first big marker but we have high hopes. We are even going to set up a stall by the downtown Lankville cinema to hop on the hottest movie premiere of the year- ‘Star Battles In the Stars: Episode 27’. Even Big James is coming up with plans for a ‘nacho cheese pouch’ which will probably be him just taking the already existing pouch and just filling it with nacho cheese.
Well anyways, that is my slightly early Xmas time miracle this year. I hope you and yours find some of the same bumpkin magic this season!! As always, please keep your minds and mouths open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
Committees, Steering Committees, Sub-Committees: Which Do You Need?
Is your business losing hours of productivity trying to decide what type of committee you need? It can be a difficult decision. Would a standing committee work best? What about a steering committee? Or a sub-committee? Would an advisory committee be the way to go? Or should a standards committee be established first? The options can be daunting.
Dr. Samways
Fortunately, Samways and Fick: Consultants are here to help.
Samways and Fick will arrive at your offices (in a van) and immediately establish a Pre-Policy Consulting Committee aimed at learning what Post-Policy Consulting Committee would be best for your company. We know how to ask the pointed questions, write on white boards, and eliminate needless abhorrent detritus to find the committee that is the best fit for you. Samways and Fick: Consultants will then unleash a Pinwheel of Possibilities®– you’ll have to be on your feet! When the Pinwheel of Possibilities® begins spinning, possibilities often carom crazily off walls and even your ceilings. Rest assured, however, a possibility will always fall gently into your lap like a fluffy pillow. Do an internet search for images of fluffy pillows if you need further clarification.
Once we have helped you discover your ideal committee, Samways and Fick will then implement a series of Pre-Committee global communication campaigns, targeted at recruiting key committee personnel. Remember, committees need not be composed of only your current staff. At Samways and Fick: Consultants, we have found that the best committees are often people you don’t even know, people who are complete strangers, even people who are foreign and speak strange backwards undeveloped Island languages.
Dr. Fick
We will then reveal our suite of technology tools and employee portals that deliver across the full range of committee alternatives. These services are highly-secretive, however, and may only be revealed to select clients.
Find out if you qualify. Call Samways and Fick: Consultants today.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK