Archive
Respected Grocer Cameron’s Yard Defiled; Bumpkins Ruled Out, Schropp Suspected
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Respected Lankville grocer Hank Cameron woke this morning to find his yard defiled, sources are confirming.
The bumpkins were not involved says Cameron and Gee-Temple.
“They [the miscreants] overturned several trash cans and the yard was full of vermin,” noted Cameron, manager of the Foodville Deep Northern Suburban location and father of three. “Given the problem we’ve had with raccoons and that recent super-massive squirrel strain that have showed up, you can imagine the damage that was done.”
Cameron, who is a voting member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club and a pack leader in the Small Child Scouts, said he has no doubt as to who is responsible.
“It’s Brian Schropp. It’s definitely not the bumpkins like you asked me earlier, Lloyd. It’s Brian Schropp.”
It’s definitely not the bumpkins like you asked me earlier, Lloyd. It’s Brian Schropp.
Detective Gee-Temple took a series of prints from the overturned cans and believes an arrest will be imminent.
“Hank is a leading citizen of Lankville. We’ll get to the bottom of this. And no, the bumpkins were not involved in this, Lloyd. There is absolutely no credence to that theory, so let’s just get off the bumpkins and move on.”
SCHROPP ISSUES STATEMENT
Schropp: “I AM INNOCENT OF THESE EGREGIOUS CHARGES!” (paraphrased)
I am just as upset and outraged over the defiling of the yard of Mr. Hank Cameron, manger of Foodville and respected Lankville citizen. No one should have their trash thrown around like that (“a feast for racoons and massive squirrels” is what the neighborhood is calling it). It’s also upsetting that Mr. Cameron (and others) are accusing me of being the perpetrator. I understand that based on the phone conversation printed earlier in the week, folks are saying that I had “a motive”. But like I have stated before Mr. Cameron can be a bit of an a-hole when dealing with the public and has probably made quite a few enemies over the years.
Do I know if the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) were responsible? I have reached out to them and haven’t heard back. I would imagine if a public statement were issued, it would have been made by now (by contacting me, of course). Equally troubling is the fact that apparently I am no longer welcome in the Foodvile store and will have to wait in the car while my folks and siblings shop. In trying to place blame for this horrific event, let us look at another possibility.
Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t the BSU or an enemy from Mr. Cameron’s past. Maybe it was another citizen of Lankville-someone who has kept their feelings about breakfast sandwiches to themselves and in seeing the comments made by Mr . Cameron this week, finally decided to act.
Something to think about anyways.
WE ARE LANKVILLE
To conclude this article on a happier note, the Huntington Road Deli has decided to pick up my idea for “fresh frozen” breakfast sandwiches. Deli owner Kirby Lomax is excited to give the idea a chance since his other breakfast ideas have failed to catch the morning commuter crowd. “I guess people want an actual breakfast in a sandwich not canned meat shoved roughly into a doughnut,” he told me while slicing a honey baked ham for a customer yesterday afternoon. Finally someone who is getting the picture!!!
With a positive outcome to this situation and a few good future articles in the works, I am trying to overlook the fact that I was paired with the bumpkins yet again. Keeping my fingers crossed that the story has finally blown its course and I am free of them at last. As always keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy eating,
BRI
Gluten and Sugar-Free Pumpkin Pie Teddy Bears in Five Easy Steps
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on making gluten and sugar-free 
pumpkin pie teddy bears.
There’s more than one way to make a pumpkin pie!
Why not try something different this year? Instead of the tired old “round” pumpkin pie, why not try making your pumpkin pies in the shape of cute, cuddly little teddy bears?
Now, I know it’s crazy difficult to be the one hosting and making a big feast for your family and that making pumpkin pies that look like little teddy bears might end up being LAST on the to do list. But trust me, it’s not as hard as it looks. In fact, it can be accomplished in five easy steps!
INGREDIENTS
- 1 15 oz can pumpkin
- 2 eggs
- 2/3 cup unsweetened soy milk (or unsweetened almond milk, grass milk, or cream – milk has more carbs, so, adjustments!)
- 1/3 cup organic cream
- 1 entire box of artificial organic all-natural sweetener
- 1 teaspoon dark molasses (optional)
- 2 teaspoon cinnamon
- 1 teaspoon crushed Buntz Mallows
- 1 scant teaspoon nutmeg (similar to the sprinkle of a light spring rain)
- 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
STEP ONE
Before beginning, you’ll need to acquire a pie crust mold that comes in the shape of a cuddly little teddy bear. Think ahead! Don’t go around at the last minute, rushing frantically into store and after store, becoming progressively more unhinged as you beg of an uncaring store clerk for that perfect cuddly teddy bear mold. Believe me, I’ve been through it– it’s no fun! Order your mold ahead and of time and you won’t have to worry. Lankville Speciality Animal Baking Molds has a lot of great options– check out their website at 123easypies!.com. This takes some of the guessing out of the initial part of your endeavor and will make it more fun.
Now that you have your mold, you’ll dump your ingredients into it, pre-heat your oven at 425 degrees, and bake for 15 minutes.
Don’t go around at the last minute, rushing frantically into store and after store, becoming progressively more unhinged as you beg of an uncaring store clerk for that perfect cuddly teddy bear mold.
STEP TWO
Our camera lens completely shattered when we attempted to photograph Hadbawnik’s cuddly bear pies, so we have included a stock photograph of pumpkins instead.
Reduce your oven temperature to 350 degrees and bake another 40 to 50 minutes. Gently pierce your bear’s chest with a knife and remove the pie when the knife comes clean (don’t worry- later, we’re going to cover up the piercings with a funny oversized candy bowtie!)
STEP THREE
Cool for two hours. You can begin on your bowtie and funny hobo hat now!
STEP FOUR
Decorate. Add the bowtie, hobo hat and frame your bear’s edges with a thin layer of whipped cream. This will give him depth and make him stand out even further.
STEP FIVE
Serve (and wait for the compliments!).
DHAD
The Lankville Daily News Guide to Great Sex
By JoLayne Fasters
JoLayne Fasters is Lankville’s premier authority on sexual intercourse.
Was it good for you?
If you’re like most of Lankville, chances are it wasn’t. Chances are it was really bad and maybe even scary. You were addled with anxiety, there was an otherworldly piercing noise you couldn’t identify, you were worried about your physical worth. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a romantic novel or the back of one of those juice cans, you still harbor your suspicions. Sure, you thundered like a bucking stallion, sure, you melted at his touch like candy on a particularly hot Easter. And yet, you still think- you’re pretty much not getting it anywhere as often as everyone else.
You think to yourself– can’t we all just have great sex???
Of course we can. All the time. But first, we must decide what great sex is.
“Great sex starts in here,” says clinical psychologist Patti Cooks, pointing to her breast. “What, in your boobs?” we asked. “No, no, in your heart.”
“Great sex starts in here,” says clinical psychologist Patti Cooks, pointing to her breast. “What, in your boobs?” we asked. “No, no, in your heart.” We nodded slowly. “It starts in your heart and great sex is about what is in your particular heart and in the heart of your lover and then the two hearts come together to decide what great sex is. It could be multiple orgasms throughout an entire raucous night, it could be a lot of chatter and then some quick sort of breezy thing. But first, you have to do this.” Cooks then pointed to her wide open mouth.
“What…? Oral…?” we asked confusedly.
“No, no,” she admonished. “You have to open your mouth. You have to talk.”
GREAT SEX TIP ONE: PILLOW TALK
Maybe you want your lover to dress up as a happy, smiling tooth and distribute dental supplies while you videotape the whole thing. You’ll never know if they’re up for it without an open, honest line of communication. (Photo by J. Fasters)
So, as we found out, the mouth is great for kissing and for orally-administered forms of arousal but it’s also a tool of communication. Try it. Tell each other what you want. Maybe you want something simple like a particular part of your body rubbed sensuously. Maybe you want your partner to dress up as a happy smiling tooth and distribute dental supplies on a street corner while you videotape the entire thing. But you’ll never know any of this without an open line of communication. Shoot for trust and openness.
GREAT SEX TIP TWO: DON’T BELIEVE ALL THE TALK
Don’t believe all the bragging out there about sexual potency– everyone is apt to exaggerate their exploits and paint distorted pictures of their sex lives.
“About 97% of people are liars,” Cooks says. “A lot of people think they’re missing out on something because they read all the crazy talk on things like Lankbook and at amusement parks. “Don’t think the pleasure ship has sailed and left you behind. The pleasure ship is still docked. It’s ready for you to hop aboard.”
Cooks excused herself momentarily.
GREAT SEX TIP THREE: FOCUS ON LUSCIOUS, PLEASURABLE SENSATIONS
Commutes. Computational devices. Calculators. Challenges. “The Four C’s”. And they all lead us to stress.
Stress is a great enemy of sex. So is anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our minds,” Cooks says, “put away those calculators for just a minute, we can open ourselves up to better sex.”
Cooks recommends a mentra: FOLPS (Focus on Luscious Pleasurable Sensations).
“There are techniques ranging from quiet leering at your partner at close range to a sort of synchronized breathing that helps keep you in the moment,” she notes. “Great sex happens in the present. It never happens in the future.”
The author and Dr. Cooks suddenly got into an argument about time machines and this segment came to an abrupt end.
GREAT SEX TIP FOUR: FOCUS LESS ON SIZE AND MORE ON OTHER MATTERS
No two people are built the same (fact) and it’s important to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of a modest size may be a perfect fit. For other women, they need the good stuff. Nevertheless, it’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. Perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only avenue to satisfying sex.
“My goodness, no,” Dr. Cooks laughed. “Small men can be perfectly useful. There’s kissing. Cooing. They can sit in the corner and coo at you. It’s a full panoply of pleasure giving.”
Next time, we’ll continue with a few more great sex tips. In the meantime, try a few of these out and let us know how they go. We always appreciate your letters, electronic mails and telephone calls.
Royer Briefed By Popinjay; Orders Massive Shipment of Saltines
By Sha-Nell Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Rumored to be “coming out of his funk again,” storied business magnate Ric Royer has been seen this week consulting an unusual source for medical advice for his ongoing severe case of jaundice.
The Popinjay (File illustration)
Last Tuesday, Lankville Action News: YES! was trailing Royer as he was carried on a palanquin by six of his trusty “life interns” (all of whom he met on Lanklist and who he says have “worked out pretty well”) at the Knott Salt Depository just outside town. Royer, resplendent and tinged yellow, held a discrete meeting behind the salt mound with a popinjay for forty-five minutes, and inside sources within Royer’s inner circle have suggested the topic was Royer’s skin color.
Detail of Royer’s face (take note of the fine eyebrows).
It is not known exactly what passed between the two behind the mound, but public records show that Royer’s shell company also bought a massive 200 ton shipment of saltines from The Depths via Teets Island just two days later. The shipment evidently filled two of Royer’s warehouses.
Coincidence? Medical cure? Or just pure eccentricity?
You decide!
In unrelated news, Royer’s autobiography, “Strangling People Without Leaving a Mark and Other Riddles” is expected to be out in June.
Analysis Pending on Bumpkin Trailer Inventory; Schropp on the Breakfast Sandwich Underground
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Analysis is still pending on the bumpkin trailer inventory handed over to Lankville Daily News reporter Lloyd Byas-Kirk last Friday. The bumpkins were taken off by the wind over two weeks ago.
The bumpkin inventory is still being “analyzed”.
“I can’t imagine what the hell you’re “analyzing”,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who handed over the roster of household items and utilized air quotation marks when pronouncing the word “analyzing”. Gee-Temple then began a long pedantic folksy tale involving a rabbit that need not be reproduced here.
There have been no further sightings of the bumpkins since their mysterious wind abduction.
SCHROPP ON THE BSU
To address a question I have been asked a lot recently, yes, the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) is real. No it’s not just me (so, let’s stop the letters please!), they are a true group for whom I am their spokesperson. They are not a terror group, they are not evil, they are everyday folk like you and me going to their offices, retail jobs and grease pits. But in their hearts, upset at the state and policies of breakfast sandwiches in Lankville and tired of getting laughed at\ridiculed about it. Do I condone some of their actions? No. The trash cans knocked over in front of supermarkets and convenience stores with “BSU” spray- painted on them is not very civil. But I feel their frustration and maybe if these places had better breakfast sandwich options these types of things wouldn’t happen.
Now, onto another topic that I have been asked about recently. The popularity of “fresh frozen” has reached an all-time high recently. What is “fresh frozen”? Put simply, it’s food which is prepared fresh, then is frozen to be delighted in at a later date. And of course this food trend has been popping up in the arena of breakfast sandwiches. Have I tried it? Yes, a few times when my mom has allowed me to “make a mess in the kitchen”. And I do believe there is a better taste and quality to your normal frozen variety of breakfast sandwich.
I have tried it…when my Mom has allowed me to “make a mess in the kitchen”.
A thought came to me while I was testing out this process. Why can’t grocery stores make breakfast sandwiches fresh in the morning, let’s say in their deli department, and then keep them frozen for customers throughout the day to enjoy? I decided to call one of my nearby grocers “Foodville” and speak with the manager Hank Cameron (who can be a real a-hole, frankly– though, don’t print that, please). Here is the transcript from that call:
“Thanks for calling Foodville, this is Louise speaking how can I help you?”
Foodville manager Hank Cameron who Schropp referred to as “a bit of an a-hole”. Cameron enjoys camping and guns.
“Hi, I was wondering if I could talk with Hank Cameron please.”
“Is this Brian? Listen, he doesn’t have time for you today. He’s going to be upset with you hassling him.”
I remained silent.
“Alright, hold on a sec.”
I WAS ON HOLD FOR 35 MINUTES! !
“What do you want Brian?”
“Yes Mr. Cameron, I have a wonderful idea that you may want to introduce to your deli department. It could really help with your sales.”
“I don’t have time for your breakfast sandwich ideas right now, I’m dealing with a delivery in the back.”
“But if I could just talk to you about fresh frozen options for breakfast sandwiches it could give you an edge over Food Mart.”
“Fresh what?!!!”
“Oh come on, you’ve heard of fresh frozen. You call yourself a grocery manager? You need to stay on top of these trends.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“You can if you want but the BSU will probably not be happy about it.”
“Listen Brian if I find out you are the one knocking over the trash cans in front of the store I’m calling Gee-Temple.”
[Mr. Cameron slams down the phone]
Again, I do not condone any measures the BSU takes. I hope Mr. Cameron can listen to reason about new and exciting breakfast sandwich possibilites down the road. Speaking of new and exciting possibilities, The Lankville Daily News has assured me that this, dear readers, will finally be my first dedicated article! No more bumpkins! Congratulations to the News for taking an important step forward. Well until next time readers, keep your mind and mouth open to new things!!
HAPPY EATING,
BRI
EXPOSE: Jury Duty in Lankville
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! INVESTIGATIVE REPORT
A drab, windowless room lined with splintery wood benches– a motionless ceiling fan mounted to one wall.
A second, windowless room– this one with an ancient television that projects nothing but static. A speaker, mounted into the ceiling, plays light trumpet music once every two minutes. A giant stack of pumpkins in one corner– a sign placed before them reads, “NOTHING TO DO WITH THE COURTS”.
A third room deep in the bowels of the great courthouse. No one has any idea what goes on in here. No one will talk. Until now.
These are the rooms where Lankvillians do their jury service.
THE WEBSITE
“Happy Juror in Wheat”, an image from Lankville’s jury duty website.
Lankville’s jury duty website– lankvillejurorfun!.gov is a pleasing page full of images of people running through waving fields of grain and petting small farm animals and features a small area of restrained puzzles. The overview of the process reads, “Jury duty touches the inner lives of billions of Lankvillians every year. Be with us!” The “be with us” phrase is trademarked. A small flier can be partially downloaded before an error message was received on several Lankville Daily News devices.
Jury duty touches the inner lives of billions of Lankvillians every year. Be with us!”
THE PROCESS
At 5PM on the day prior to service, one calls an automated number to see if one has been selected (Lankville currently offers no online option). The sound on the recording is so low, however, and the voice of the speaker so muffled that one is generally forced to call back repeatedly. “It sounds as if the court official is talking into a big hat,” said one frustrated prospective juror. “Like one of those textured summer straw hats that’s been flattened to fit into a bag but has not yet resumed its normal shape– like the guy just started talking into one of those while it was still re-forming,” the juror added. Indeed, we noticed a strange, sort of crinkling sound on the recording.
“Yeah, the whole phone thing,” said a court official, who refused to be identified. “You’re talking about the hat recording, right?” We nodded. “Yeah, man.” The official took a booming pull off a soda straw and shook his head disgustedly back and forth. “That phone thing,” he said quietly.
DAY OF
On the day of their service, prospective jurors are ushered into one of the three rooms described above. An inside source, who we met in a fog on the Lankville heaths, indicated that the cohort taken to the third subterranean room, are invariably selected for service. “It’s been figured out months in advance,” the mysterious source stated. “The people in the top two rooms, they are subjected to minor irritants like the terrible snack foods and candy in the basically inoperable vending machines or when they wheel out the film projector and show that two and a half hour puppet movie but then, you know, they get to leave. The people in the third room– they stay for a long, long time.”
The source stopped short at revealing the source of the deceit. “Just think of The Grand Old Man. And then you can pick up the trail,” he whispered before disappearing into the mist.
The people in the third room– they stay for a long, long time.”
“THE GRAND OLD MAN”
“The Grand Old Man”, Judge Socquettes.
The sobriquet “The Grand Old Man” is often applied to the venerable Judge Socquettes, who has been meting out justice in Lankville for over 70 years. He has been the subject of poems and parade floats and his name graces the front of over 9000 buildings in coastal Lankville alone. Could there be a dark side to the great man?
A “legal professional”, who insisted on complete anonymity and spoke to us from the second floor of an abandoned barn in the Great Lankville Plains that had been blanched grey by the great, abominable obligation of time, placed the blame squarely on Socquettes.
“It’s that chest-pack radio. He puts on that chest-pack radio and listens to it and pays no attention to any cases. We have to retry again and again and again. And we have to keep juries there again and again and again. I’ve watched people on the jury just collapse– not the collapse of exhaustion or boredom but the collapse or pure purposelessness, a sense of deep existential purposelessness that causes celestial forces to just suddenly push the victim down to the carpet. It’s terribly sad.”
“Nothing can be done though until his hold is broken. Because none of that cohort, that poor third group is saying anything. You won’t get a word out of them,” our source noted.
Our source was right. Over one hundred phone calls were not returned.
Judge Socquettes refused to be interviewed for this story.
FOR CLB
Flounced Linen Bed Skirt Nearly Strangles Royer
By Sha-Nell Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A gorgeous, flounced linen bed skirt nearly strangled Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, sources are reporting.
Royer: recovering.
The dangerous escapade occurred last night in a Small Beaches hotel room.
“Sometimes when I sleep, I tend to thrash around in a sort of horrifying way,” explained Royer, who was taken to a local hospital to recover. “At some point during the night, we believe that I became entangled with the flounced linen bed skirt. Then, in the middle of the thrashing, I was suddenly lifted upward. The effect was that I was nearly hanged.”
Sometimes when I sleep, I tend to thrash around in a sort of horrifying way.
Police ferreted a series of hotel employees into a dark, windowless closet where they were meticulously interviewed. Two were later given 40-year prison sentences.
“We came to the conclusion that the flounced linen bed skirt had been placed on the bed in a slightly haphazard way,” asserted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “And we made the decision to dispense with justice right then and there.”
By this morning, Royer was playfully shoving nurses and doctors, overturning wheelchairs and setting small fires about the hospital. He will likely be released sometime this evening.
Santa Shows Up Early in Lankville!
By Ida Rumpus
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
It’s not even Thanksgiving but a Santa Claus showed up early yesterday at the Lowinger Brothers Utility Shed Outlet in Western Lankville.
“We were shopping for a utility shed with our kids and we turned a corner and there he was.”
“We were shopping for a utility shed with our kids and we turned a corner and there he was,” said area Dad Brim Gerard, 34. “He was sitting on a barrel that had been cut in half and turned over so that it slightly resembled a chair. The kids exhibited some glee.”
I didn’t know he was back there.
The Santa may have been part of a promotion by the Lowinger Brothers Company, although no spokesman could be reached for comment.
“I didn’t know he was back there,” said a lower-level clerk for the concern who refused to be identified. “But I guess it was planned.”
Gerard noted that the Santa was spotted on a rather distant part of the lot.
“It was way towards the back. Where they keep the discount utility sheds or the ones that have been hit by cars.”
Will the Santa be back on the lot today? No one is quite sure.
“I really don’t know,” said a second clerk who refused to identified. “I can’t find anything on our website about it.”
Lowinger Brothers executives did not return phone calls as of press time.
Inventory of Bumpkin Trailer Made Public; Schropp on Cuisine
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An inventory of items belonging to the bumpkins who were carried away by the wind two weeks ago, will be made public.
In an exclusive Lankville Daily News teaser: the bumpkins had paperbacks.
Detective Gee-Temple handed over the list to The Lankville Daily News this morning.
“As I said before, there’s nothing really of interest, there,” noted Gee-Temple, who paused to examine the brilliant rays of sun cascading through his office blinds. “Towels, forks and spoons, couple of throw rugs, some paperbacks of an inconsequential nature.”
Gee-Temple stretched before the window and exhaled deeply. “The poor lambs,” he whispered.
A full disclosure of the inventory will be forthcoming.
SCHROPP ON CUISINE
Lenny’s EZ Buffet
So I have seen adverts for some time now about an exciting new buffet that has opened. The miscut multi-colored flyers I found on neighborhood cars said the place was called “Lenny’s EZ Buffet”. The name grabbed me, an easy buffet? Not only an easy buffet but an “EZ buffet” which I suppose is even easier?!!!! How could you make a buffet even easier, I thought. I was instantly intrigued.
Piecing a few of the miscut flyers together, I made out the address using “Lankville Maps” on my mom’s computer and I found it to be right in the heart of downtown. No, not my favorite spot to visit but my folks have been on my case recently about getting out of my “basement apartment” and taking a few chances in life. So off I went on my scooter (recently had my Lankville scooter license renewed). Two blocks later, I was pushed off my scooter (but wearing my helmet-safety first!!) and I had to huff the rest of it on foot.
Downtown can be a very gritty maze, one way-two way streets leading to complicated roundabouts. As with most non-downtown folk I found myself lost.The people standing around on the corner or by the mostly abandoned buildings would not answer my pleas for directions and would instead begin searching my pockets for change. As luck would have it, however, my new found friend “Trucker Joe” was making a delivery to a nearby department store and was able to give me a ride and help me find the address. Coming face to face with the address, I realized the buffet was on the top floor, it was a long way up and there was no elevator. “This isn’t EZ at all” I muttered to myself as I started to climb.
After the steep ascent (taking a couple breaks along the way) I made it to the top floor, found the appropriate door number and knocked. After a few more hard knocks someone finally barked out, “Yeah?” I informed him I was here for the buffet. “It’s $16.95” he replied holding out his hand. I took out the twenty dollar bill my folks gave me from my sock and he quickly snatched it from my hand and put it in his pocket. I paused waiting for my change. “Are you comin’ in or not?” “Uhm, my change?” “Don’t have it, sorry. Either you are comin’ in or not but you are not getting your money back”. So I walked in and he closed the door behind me. “Are you a cop?” He asked. “No,no why would I be?” “You’re shaking too much, put your hands on the wall, I’m going to pat you down” After a pat down where he took the rest of my change the other downtown people didn’t get I was allowed to enter further.
This isn’t EZ at all” I muttered to myself…
The place didn’t look much like a buffet or even a restaurant at all, in fact, it just looked like a plain old apartment (and a poorly furnished one at that). I asked if this was some cutting edge decor for people like me (from the burbs) to have an “urban experience”‘ “Uh, yeah, you got it. Now just stand over there. The buffet will be ready in a moment.” I went by the small table which was in the dinning room area of the apartment. The only lighting was from a fixture above the table which was half out. I thought this added to the experience. Lenny (I am thinking it was him but he would never answer if that was indeed his name) walked into the dark kitchen. After hearing the fridge open and close and the banging of a few cabinet doors, he came out with four paper plates of food and put them on the table.
Paper plate 1- Some type of lunch meat (might of been ham?) and a slice of bread
Paper plate 2- A half eaten meatloaf dinner
Paper Plate 3- Some yellowed lettuce with potato chips (not sure what kind) and a grape on top
Paper Plate 4- Not sure, maybe a chili of some sort or maybe something that had gone bad
He saw the confusion in my eyes. “Got a problem with this?” “Is there any hot food?” “Sorry, this is the cold food lunch buffet. We have a hot food dinner buffet and it’s twenty four dollars” “Do I get a drink?” He rolled his eyes and went back into the kitchen.
At this point a woman came out of the back hallway from a bedroom. She was wearing only a dirty nightshirt and looked like a complete mess. She started to mumble something about a monkey. Lenny came back from the kitchen in a complete rage yelling at her to never come out while a customer was eating. He suddenly looked over at me, “I think it’s time for you to leave.” “But I haven’t sampled anything yet.” With that, his violent rage turned upon me and I quickly made my way from the EZ buffet and back out down into the street.
Reflecting back on the experience in my bedroom apartment I am not sure if this establishment was legitimate or if it really was a true downtown urban buffet experience. Maybe one day if I strike up the courage I will go back and try the hot dinner buffet. Speaking of courage– courage is what it would take for The Lankville Daily News to dedicate an entire column to cuisine and not just pair it with these god damn bumpkin articles, right? Am I right? But, we won’t go into that for now. Well, until next time, keep your mind and your mouth open to new things.
Happy eating!
BRI
How to Make a Birdhouse Out of a Gourd
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on how to make a birdhouse out of a gourd.
TIME: 2-3 DAYS | COST: $0-50 (LANKVILLE) | DIFFICULTY: EASY TO MODERATE
Begin by selecting your gourd. A bottle gourd is your natural choice– it provides a wide, welcoming bosom that will be inviting and intriguing to birds.
Next, you will need to clean the interior. Use a drill to make a 2″ hole on one side. With a special gourd spoon (available by mail), scrape out the dried seeds and pulp from the inside. Be sure to save it though! It’ll make a tasty snack for later on!
Drop your gourd lovingly into a solution made from one part bleach, eight parts water and one part love…
Now you’ll want to sanitize your gourd– this is very important. Use sandpaper to smooth the exterior of the gourd and the inside edges of the entrance hole. Pay extra attention to the hole. Now, drop your gourd lovingly into a solution made from one part bleach, eight parts water and one part love 🙂 Just kidding! Nine parts water!
Completely rinse the gourd and then hang it on a clothesline to dry thoroughly. Don’t worry if a neighbor catches you hanging a gourd on a clothesline– there is nothing at all “mental” about this, as some former neighbors of mine have suggested.
Once the gourd is dry, you’ll want to use some exterior latex paint to decorate the outside of the gourd. Feel free to be creative! Me and some of my friends recently had a gourd birdhouse painting party on my patio and we came up with all kinds of wild designs! And don’t worry– if you’re “experimenting” and your design just doesn’t work out, you can always go back with some more exterior latex paint and you’ve got a brand new blank canvas. No worries!
When you’ve finished your design and added a couple of water drainage holes on the bottom, you’re ready to hang. Consider a sturdy branch– smaller, thinner branches have a tendency to “break”, which could lead to a disaster and a waste of a lot of hard work.
And last but not least– ENJOY!
DHad
News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
THEME PARK TO OFFER BANANA CHIPS
An unidentified creature was found murdered today near a wooded area in the Lankville Plains. It is rumored that several pitchforks were sticking out of the carcass.
“The Thrill Ball”– another expected feature of Sensational Mons Island.
“I’m not going to comment on the pitchfork business,” noted Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to respond to the scene. “The creature was partially cooked and is definitely not human and also not animal but that’s not the first time we’ve seen things like this in Lankville. You boys know that,” the intrepid Detective added.
Construction workers discovered the body as they were clearing the area to begin work on a new 40-acre theme park slated to open in the spring.
“Sensational Mons Island” will feature four thrill rides, seven games, a challenge tent and a cave bear. A press release issued by a mysterious source known only as “The Berube of Mons Island” stated that the park will be the first of its kind to offer free banana chips. These chips are edible but can also be used as tokens to enjoy rides, play games or to feed the cave bear.
Executives at Sensational Mons Island, Inc. did not respond to repeated phone calls.
ROYER IMPROVING; ATTENDS PIZZA PARTY
Business magnate Ric Royer is improving after an incident with a cake two nights ago that left him severely burned and even attended a pizza party last night for inner-city Lankville youths.
“Pizza is man’s great equalizer,” the executive said during a short ceremony. “It brings people of races and colors together. If you’ve experienced great creeping horrors, pizza is a great healer.”
Royer stayed for the duration of the event and ate more pizza than anyone else.
HADBAWNIK PUMPKIN ARTICLE CRASHES WEBSITE
David Hadbawnik’s recent article on the proper disposal of pumpkins crashed The Lankville Daily News’ website, the News is reporting.
Everyone loved Hadbawnik’s pumpkin article.
“It was our most popular article of the year,” noted senior editor Marles Cundiff. “Literally, hundreds of thousands of people tried to gain access to the article at one time. Our site exploded.”
Area newsstands and magazine shops are reporting a similar run on the print issue.
“We sold out in 15 seconds, once people realized there was an article on how to properly dispose of pumpkins inside,” said Jackie Keys, owner of Keys’ Newspapers and Beer Hut in Northern Lankville.
Hadbawnik was pleasantly surprised.
“I knew the article would touch a nerve but I didn’t think it would be as popular as it has been. Hopefully, it fosters a sense of community and helps people make their homes beautiful for the holidays,” the columnist said, in a prepared statement.
Royer Reported Hurt in Cake Incident
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A photo taken shortly before Royer caught fire.
Incarcerated business magnate Ric Royer has been hurt in an incident involving a cake, sources are confirming.
“We don’t have a lot of information at this time,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Royer is currently living. “There was a cake, the cake issued forth hot fire and blistering sparks and Mr. Royer was hurt severely. We took him to the hospital as soon as the cake was finished.”
Royer’s whereabouts are currently unknown. Several people involved in the cake incident are being held by the Lankville Bureau of Probes.
“We’ve heard some conflicting stories. He may have caught on fire but we’re not sure. We’ll get to the bottom of it,” assured Detective Gee-Temple.
Barlow Foods to Start Selling New Type of Apple
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Balloon Town, one of two new apple varieties developed by Lankville Hilly Area University, will make its commercial debut on Barlow Foods shelves this weekend.
Derived from the Aromatic Davey hybrid, Balloon Town is described as crunchy, juicy, red, spicy, and “a little audacious”. “It’s a bit like going out to an upscale restaurant with a classy guy who then slams you in the ass,” noted researcher Linda Marloni, who worked on the much-anticipated project. “It’s a brazen little fruit.”
In the works for a decade, the first trees were planted by Barlow Foods in 2010. The first limited commercial crop is expected to supply stores for roughly nine weeks before selling out.
“I’ll be keeping an eye on it,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow, who was interviewed while eating dry cereal out of a heavily-dented plastic container in his office. “There is not a lot of margin for error at Barlow Foods. If Balloon Town doesn’t move and move quickly, then decisions will have to be made.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow
The interview was suddenly interrupted by the intrusion of two furniture movers laboring beneath a gigantic wicker sofa. The sofa was instantly revealed to clash dramatically with Barlow’s existing furnishings and, further, was shabby and cheaply-made upon closer inspection. Indeed, no matter where the movers placed the sofa, the effect was the same.
Barlow suggested that the sofa should be returned but the movers demurred, pointing out an amendment to the receipt that forbid such exchanges. Barlow protested but the men ignored him and proceeded to drag the sofa out into the weedy area behind the store where they dumped it unceremoniously beneath the overhang of a giant tree.
Barlow turned to me, his eyes now streaming with tears. “You better go now,” he said in a tiny, yet maniacal voice. “You better goooooooo now,” he said again, this time in a high-pitched voice most certainly not his own.
And then he headed towards the movers.
Shoppers should find Balloon Town in the produce section of their local Barlow Stores by 9AM Saturday.
Area Hospital Tabs Former “Pill Pirate” as House Detective
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital has hired a new house detective in an effort to combat a recent wave of crime. His name?
The infamous “Pill Pirate”.
The announcement was made this morning in a joint press conference between the Pirate himself, now known as John Berunds, Lankville Bureau of Probes Detective Houston Gee-Temple and Hospital administrator Kurt Rumbus in which no food whatsoever was served.
“Eastern Defoliated needs a man like John,” noted Rumbus. “Our losses due to theft are in the millions this year alone. Thieves have been taking everything from pills and medical supplies to entire room furnishings including sofas, patient beds, and beautiful framed artwork. As you can imagine, it’s very difficult to do our jobs with these sort of shenanigans going on.”
“Pill Pirate” turned writer/detective John Berunds.
Berunds, who became reformed in 2001 and began a second career as a successful author of spiritual science fiction novels, spoke briefly of his time as the legendary pirate.
“I stole pills from nearly every hospital in Lankville,” noted Berunds, who now lives quietly with his wife and 14 children in an area suburb. “It was entirely to support my own spiritual illness, you understand, I was chemically altering my life in a way to make it tolerable because I was failing to look within but also without and also up and also over the mountains, the spiritual mountains, you understand. When I was finally arrested [in 1997], I vowed to help others via my literary gifts and also by catching and bringing to justice others in the same predicament. There can be no healing until one is shoved into prison. I believe that.”
“I’m looking forward to assisting Eastern Defoliated,” Berunds added, after an eerie silence.
Berunds would not elaborate on what means he would employ to catch prospective thieves but did say that anything is on the table.
“I would have no problem dressing up as a nurse. Or a female patient. Or a female visitor,” noted the famous bandit turned scribbler. “I have a number of costumes.”
Berunds will begin his latest position some time in the next month.
Five Ways to Repurpose Leftover Pumpkins by David Hadbawnik
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES! NEWS YOU CAN USE
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on the proper disposal of pumpkins and gourds.
Each day, I receive hundreds of thousands of emails from readers just like you, asking about proper methods of pumpkin disposal. So, for those in a pumpkin crisis, I’ve laid down a few easy tips. So grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, relax, do a few light stretches and then read on:
1. If your pumpkin is whole and uncarved…consider moving him (all pumpkins are masculine) inside to be part of your Thanksgiving holiday decorations! I can’t tell you how many people come up to me in restaurants, bus stations and outside and say, “David, you wouldn’t believe how a few pumpkins transformed my otherwise moribund Thanksgiving interior decor!” I’m never surprised– after all, pumpkins add a splash of orange to maize displays, cranberry candle exhibits and glittered leaf table decor. And they remind us of some of our earliest Lankville settlers who ate a lot of pumpkins so there is historical value.
2. Donate them to a zoo…there is nothing a zookeeper likes better than looking up to find a family toting a rickety wagon full of old pumpkins into the park. If they refuse (they shouldn’t!), then simply make a few calls to any nearby pumpkin farm worker and ask them what to do.
3. If you carved your pumpkin just a few days prior to Halloween, then you should be able to still use the innards (or, as I like to call it, “the orange gold”) for soups, pies, candy or soda. Note: a 5-pound pumpkin can make about two 9-inch pies (utilize an electronic device for further calculations).
Not sure what to do with ALL THOSE PUMPKINS? David Hadbawnik breaks it down for you.
4. How about trying to learn more about pumpkins? Understand them better? Start a neighborhood garden and pumpkin dump. Get to know the people in your community.
5. Feed your pumpkins to a horse– or to someone who has a horse. Always ask permission first! Horses love pumpkins almost more than zoo animals. In fact, of all the animals, horses are known to like pumpkins best. (Reader recommendation).
As always, enjoy and happy holidays!
DHad
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK