Archive
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
ROYER CHANGES NAME
Institutionalized Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has changed his name to “Cor Scorpionis, Blood Probationer” according to sources following the story.
“He asked us to set up a lectern, some lights and a minimized buffet,” stated Warden Jenness of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where Cor Scorpionis is incarcerated. “But then he spent all morning in his room, putting together a puzzle so we have yet to receive an official statement.”
Cor Scorpionis, who was later interviewed privately, explained the change, his third this year.
“It is folly and a rape of truth to ignore the machinations,” stated the executive, who was clearly distracted by both the completed puzzle (a photographic depiction of a dog lounging on an oversized bean bag chair) and his dazzling layout of illuminated porcelain Christmas structures. “I say furthermore that this layout is of the Circle, and of the eye of the great marker that sleeps not, but is vigilant. The Circle is nearly all-perfect, nearly equal in every way. And if I was ever brought my box of soda, it would be complete.”
Cor Scorpionis then gave his attendant a fierce look of disapproval and the interview was ended prematurely.
“SAVE THE PANDAS” DRIVE NOW ON
Fick to help pandas.
An organization of wealthy Lankville businessmen will sponsor a “Save the Pandas Day” with selected proceeds going to the cause, it was announced. Semi-portable typing machine magnate D. Fick was chosen to spearhead the initiative.
“Anything you can do to help these panda things,” Fick said, in an interview held near an area replete with small pandas. “If you can contribute $5 or just simply leave your car in a parking lot with a sign that says, “DONATED TO PANDAS”. Anything like that would really help save these panda things.”
Fick continued. “You can bring canned goods to a factory and you can just dump them wherever the hell you feel like it, even if it’s not really that close to the factory. People will know.”
Fick then ended the interview and climbed into a gigantic military vehicle with tinted windows.
DEATH CLAIMS AFFABLE BANKER CARSTAIRS
Dick Carstairs: Dead
Death came in search of affable banker Dick Carstairs yesterday afternoon. The agreeable financier was 65.
“Dick was involved in a lot of things,” noted widow Jean-Louise Carstairs, who was interviewed outside the Great Central Mountain Area Hospital while her husband lie expired inside. “He was very proud of his membership in the Chamber of Trade, his work with the Small Child Scouts and his chairmanship of our local Koala Bears and Walnuts Club. We’ll certainly miss him.”
Mrs. Carstairs (rated about a 5 of 10 by this reporter) would not disclose the cause of death despite excessive probing.
CONTEST ANNOUNCEMENT IMMINENT
The Lankville Daily News will reveal the details of a new contest for readers this week, sources are indicating. Although there are conflicting rumors as to the details, some sources suggest that the prize could either be $5,000, a trip for two to a cave, or a mechanical dinosaur.
Royer to Construct Lankville Roller-Skating Rink
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Correspondent
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Institutionalized business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he will construct a roller-skating rink on an unidentified property in Northern Lankville. The rink will be known as Arcadia.
“Everything came together yesterday while I was in this very amusement room playing Lingus Nets,” noted Royer, who will bankroll the entire project. “It will be the grandest rink ever built. I want people to immediately conclude that the construction and design of this rink did not come from the mind of man. That it came from some sort of sentient being in the form of a goddess who descended upon these wretched lunatics in this wretched Foontz-Flonnaise Home [of Abundant Senselessness] and made known the entirety of its queer and puzzling design.”
Royer paused momentarily to return to another Lingus Net session, already in progress. He quickly captured the final net, deposited his sacks and claimed victory over his opponent, a fellow patient. The patient later moped and lurked in a corner.
Royer’s hand-written notes on Arcadia. Note the lime green cardstock with matte finish, sauce stain.
“It has been decreed that we will have giant smoke machines all about Arcadia and that we will have large robotic skaters that will be extremely slow-moving and yet, still quite menacing. They will target specific patrons and pursue them throughout their visit,” added Royer, who watched carefully as a warden entered the amusement room carrying small slices of cake on colorfully-decorated paper plates. “We will have hired dancers in historic costume. We will have skates. We will…”
Royer suddenly stopped talking and wandered slowly over to the warden, who was now placing the slices of cake on a table. An interminable period of time passed as the warden laboriously cleared the table and positioned the cake slices along its edge, in a circular pattern. Royer was observed to twitch nervously and to jockey for position among the other waiting patients. Finally, the warden looked up and nodded. Royer lunged suddenly at the table.
He took his cake quietly over to a corner and the interview was ended prematurely.
Royer Addresses Media
By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
For the first time since being committed to an insane asylum on Tuesday, Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has addressed the media.
In a press conference held this morning in a darkened, trash-strewn room at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, Royer spoke with reporters for about twenty minutes.
Ric Royer addresses the media. Note the heavy chocolate cake stains to his shirt.
“Part of the public horror of sexual irregularity so-called is due to the fact that everyone knows himself essentially guilty,” stated Royer, who wore a button-up institutional shirt that was heavily-stained by chocolate cake. “The ordinary man looking at a mountain is like an illiterate man looking at an ancient, esoteric manuscript. You combine these two things together and the only course of action was this, this bastard of a place.”
Royer deflected several follow-up questions from journalists, many of whom were later found murdered.
He did confirm that he will maintain control of several of his business endeavors from the home and has temporarily closed his mall retail-space home.
“My Dollar Bush stores will be operating at normal business hours and I will be continuing my work with the Worlds of Royer Toy Company. We have a bear that will be coming out and also a little piano that transforms into a top. The world is a bountiful place.”
Royer was later returned to his cell and no further questions were answered. No food was served.
Cheap Cup of Coffee Fails at Local Lunch Booth
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lancey Parrishes, manager of a local lunch booth, gave up his attempt to win customers with twenty-five cent cups of coffee, sources are confirming.
He said the cut-rate cup did not attract any new customers but instead caused his regulars to increase their consumption.
Parrishes, who has been shunned, consented to an interview with The Lankville Daily News outside of city limits.
BK: What will you do now?
LP: I don’t know. It’s been tough. It’s been very difficult on my family.
Parrishes (above) has been wearing dark glasses to avoid detection.
BK: How will you go on?
LP: Eventually, I’ll have to go back and face the lunch booth. But, somehow, I…(Parrishes broke down and began sobbing).
BK: Why did you think your little scheme would work?
LP: I guess I thought people would be drawn to the low cost. But it didn’t happen that way.
BK: Yes, people really seem to hate you.
LP: It’s true. I’ve been living on handouts from scary forest dwellers.
BK: I guess you’ve learned an important lesson.
LP: I have Bernie. I really have.
BK: I’m not going to ask any further questions but I do think you should sit here in silence for awhile longer while I stare at you.
LP: It’s…I understand.
The interview ended shortly thereafter.
Lankville Women Open Exercise Center
By Ida Rumpus
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A group of Lankville women opened an exercise center in the Northern Wooded Shopping Arena last night. About 200 people attended the event in which non-alcoholic beverages and a sheet cake were served.
“We’re hoping to explain the benefits of calisthenics and moderate dumbbell lifting,” noted co-founder Betty Chastain, 27. “The center is well-equipped with all the latest tumbling mats, stationary bicycles and pummel horses and we have a clean, modern locker room with shower facilities.”
The founders of the new exercise center are, from left to right: Betty Chastain, Jen Sakata, Pat Bourque, Gene Tennis and Lynnda Coombs.
The locker room was of particular interest to a small cohort of about ten male attendees, who spent the evening hanging around the doorway and closely monitoring women as they exercised in form-fitting leotards.
“We certainly need something like this in our area,” said lurker Bill Herrington, 46. “Just look at these gals go.” Herrington suddenly grunted deeply and bent over awkwardly at the waist as he watched a participant stretching just a few feet in front of him. The interview was ended prematurely.
“I’m a great believer in deep floor stretching as a means of bolstering physical fitness,” said co-founder Pat Bourque, 26. Bourque then rolled over on her back, lifting her sculpted legs high in the air as the group of men took stared aggressively. “As you work the hips and thighs, you’ll notice yourself able to spread your legs further thereby benefiting the muscles of the buttocks,” Bourque added, as one of the men suddenly collapsed and had to be removed to a comfort station. “Stretching is really the best exercise there is.”
“We want our center to be a nice activity for young wives, somewhere they can go after a long day taking care of baby or pounding a typewriter,” said Sakata, 24, who previously served as a physical education instructor. “But we’re also really delighted that these men came to watch. They certainly have shown a keen enthusiasm for what we’re doing here.” Sakata then demonstrated the health benefits of the pummel horse as several of the men followed her movements closely. “Our center is something for the whole community,” Sakata added, as she breathed deeply and grunted due to the exertion.
“Boy oh boy,” noted another of the watchers who began mopping his brow and refused to be identified. “Look at that scissor move. She’s taking charge of that horse.”
The center will be open weeknights until 10 p.m. and can be reached at NORTHERN 5721.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
ROYER COMMITTED TO INSANE ASYLUM
Business magnate Ric Royer has been committed to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, sources are now confirming.
A Lankville Daily News photographer snapped this image of Royer last night at the opening of a new zoo.
Royer, who last night was photographed during the cutting of a ribbon at a new zoo, was clad in an outlandish costume and appeared to have painted his teeth green. During the reception, Royer consumed an entire cake while holding a gigantic pneumatic roof and lathing stapler and pointing it jokingly at various guests. He then consented to a brief interview with The News.
KC: Do you like this zoo?
RR: I am working to accelerate the ecstasy. To merge and to meet the infinitely vast. That is what we must strive for. Also, I would like to know is when my cardboard tureen of fountain soda will be showing up. I can’t even begin to answer your strange questions without it.”
KC(probing): Do you like this zoo?
RR: So far, I haven’t seen any kind of offer that would satisfy me. Not like that cake I just had.
Royer then suddenly fell down and his handlers immediately made the decision to commit the enigmatic executive.
PRESIDENT EMERGES SCREAMING FROM PILE OF GIRLY PILLOWS
President Pondicherry has been hospitalized after an incident which occurred this morning at the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company Presidential Palace. He is expected to fully recover.
Around 4 a.m., Pondicherry was discovered by his man-servant, attempting to emerge from a mountain of girly pillows which had somehow engulfed his bed, creating a dark abyss that nearly suffocated the chief executive. “The man-servant assured us that he had never seen the pillows before,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first officer on the scene. “They were not the type of pillows I would imagine an older man buying,” added the intrepid detective.
Interviews were conducted with several “lower-class” working people throughout the Palace but nothing untoward was discovered.
The President is expected to be released later today.
Chemical Warfare Used on Coyotes
By Dreet Cannon, Desert Area Correspondent
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Chemical warfare, the “last resort” of men at war, has finally caught up with old man coyote.
The Lankville Fish, Wildlife and Small Hill Service here has begun attacking the scourge of the chicken houses with its latest weapon– “the coyote getter”.
“The coyote getter replaces the old steel trap mechanism,” noted Desert Area director Clint Darling. “Basically, what you have here is a stick stuck in the ground, topped by a cyanide-loaded shot cartridge and smeared with a powerful food scent, not unlike, say, the smell of a pizza just removed from the oven.” Darling paused to allow reflection. “Well, when the coyote bites into this little morsel, he is poisoned and his head explodes. It’s quite a site, really.”
Grainy nighttime photograph shows the powerful effect of the “coyote getter”.
Darling reported the number of coyotes killed since the introduction of the “coyote getter” at 1,464. “There’ve been some dogs too, you want to make sure you don’t allow any dogs in the area,” warned the official, who suddenly put on a cowboy hat for reasons unclear. “Also, some chicken coops. People have been putting them inside the coops. You want to make sure you put them at least a good mile away. We’ve lost a few people too. They’re attracted by the pizza smell, I think.” Darling adjusted the cowboy hat. “Just desert drifters though,” he added.
Some Desert residents however are appalled by the “coyote getter”.
“It’s barbaric,” said Sally Quint of the Desert Area Society for the Preservation of Animals, who has protested the mechanism. “It’s just complete overkill. Plus, it keeps people awake all night, these massive explosions every fifteen minutes.”
“We might have to look into that at some point in the future,” noted Desert Area Mayor Paul Priddy, who removed a folder from his desk drawer for effect as an explosion rocked his Main Street offices. “We’ll maybe check out these boys a little but I’m sure a compromise will be reached in the end.”
Car Pushed Over
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A car was pushed over, sources are reporting.
“Some kids got on one side of the car and pushed it over,” said witness Kirk Brocky, 35, of the Outlands. “It’s upside down right now in someone’s yard.”
Police have not been able to identify the car’s owner or the kids.
A car is pushed over by some kids (reenactment).
“Nah, nothing, no information on that,” stated Detective Gee-Temple. “Some kids pushed it over. The car. That’s all we have.”
Brocky, who is unmarried, said he witnessed the crime from a distance.
“I was in the weedy area behind the harness race track. It was from a distance. But they did push the car over,” he noted.
Brocky, who is also unemployed and chubby, said that the kids were wearing light jackets.
“They had light jackets on, like windbreakers. And then they pushed the car over.”
When asked what happened next, Brocky seemed confused.
“They…just pushed the car over. And then I went to the payphone to call police.”
When asked if he had exact change or whether he had to break a dollar, Brocky noted that he had “exact change”.
The incident is currently being investigated.
County Fair Declared Outstanding
Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
The Eastern Lankville County Fair was declared outstanding, sources are now confirming.
“Much credit is due to the Fair Board for their time and effort spent in arranging the events and exhibits,” noted county executive Gus Tolleson, who was interviewed in a dimly-lit office which was filled with mysterious packed boxes. “They really outdid themselves this year,” Tolleson added.
Large crowds attended a series of pig races on both days and the midway was reported “packed” on Saturday night. “It was a peaceful event,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who spearheaded security, which included thirty fully-armed men, fifteen tanks, and a pack of semi-wild dogs. “We had a few challenges we had to break up but otherwise it was a lot of fun,” the intrepid detective declared.
Eastern Lankvillians enjoy the fair.
The marked increase in exhibitions, livestock, and bagatelles indicate that the county fair will become more popular with each successive year.
“The Board is always looking at ways to improve the fair,” noted Tolleson, after several mysterious individuals in jumpsuits began removing the packed boxes from his office. An eldritch presence suddenly appropriated the little room and we could feel its supernal weight pushing us towards the floor. “IT MEANS…IT MEANS TO DRAG ME INTO HELL!” screamed Tolleson. We watched, unable to move, as the grey carpeting suddenly morphed into a fiery chasm and Mr. Tolleson was engulfed by a horrifying, blazing holocaust. Somehow, I was spared. LEAVE, LEAVE NOW– a savage whisper of the depths that I shall never forget. Somehow, I made it out of that flaming grave but not before I caught a ghastly glimpse of buried mountains of burning embers– I knew then that I was looking into the face of pure evil.
The fair is currently planned for August 23-25, 2015.
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE GIRL BECOMES NUN
A Western Outland Lankville broad, the former Miss Tammy Speake, has taken her first vows in the order of the Mary-Wonderment Sisters of the Motherhouse in Obrecht County.
Sister Anne
She is now Sister M. Frederick Anne and will spend a year of intensive study before receiving an assignment to either a domestic or foreign mission post of the order.
“We can certainly see Sister M. Frederick Annie [sic] being assigned to the Depths,” noted head Motherhouse Sister C. Lorrie Hyginus, aged 62. “Or maybe to the Desert. There seem to be some people that get lost out there,” the shapeless, corpulent mother superior noted.
Sister Anne was a 2008 graduate of Home Dump Hardware High School in Obrecht. Her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Steve Garvey, live at 68 Cannon Street. They have two cars and a garage.
GROUP CONTINUES PROTEST
A group of concerned citizens have entered their tenth day of protesting against the Gelsinger French Toast Club in Lankville Heights. The club advertises “adult entertainment.”
“We don’t want it in our town,” said head organizer Leonardette Folger, 46, of Lankville Heights. “It has been associated with a lot of crime in the area, the food is abominable, and they have live and filmed x-rated shows. This is a family neighborhood.”
Gelsinger, who owns 26 such clubs in Lankville and is also chairman of the Lankville Assembly of Birdwatching Enthusiasts said he was not concerned.
“I provide a service that people are willing to pay for,” noted the executive, who was placing a large protective cone over the shaft of a backyard birdfeeder. “I wouldn’t be much of a red-blooded Lankvillian if I didn’t seize that opportunity.”
Gelsinger suddenly dropped and then accidentally tread on the protective cone, crushing it nearly in half. A series of squirrels appeared shortly thereafter and devoured the feeder’s supply of seed.
“Do you see the fucking shit I put up with?” Gelsinger was heard to ask in consternation.
Warden Gwee Valencia is under fire.
MENTAL PATIENTS ESCAPE
At least 36 dangerous mental patients escaped last night from the Plush Views Hills Hospital, sources are confirming.
“We were putting some gelatin into some little paper cups and somehow they escaped,” noted Warden Gwee Valencia, who gave a short press conference this morning. “We think they could be dangerous to the community although we’re still sorting through our brown accordian-style folders, trying to figure out who they are.”
Valencia, 43, will face a series of hearings today and could ultimately be dismissed by Plush Views Hills.
“Gwee is a good, compassionate man who should be given another chance,” said his wife Williamette, 39, judged to be about a 6 out of 10 by this writer. “It was a mistake that could have happened to anyone.”
Plush Views Hills had 310 inmates before the escape.
Talented Youth Makes a Town from Some Blocks of Clay
Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
A talented youth has made a town out of some blocks of clay, sources were reporting early this morning. Lankville Daily News rushed right over to confirm the story at the request of our editors.
The adroit second-grader, whose name is Reggie Righetti, showed us the astonishing model in the library of the El Arroyo Bank of Del Lankville Elementary School in Pine County. We immediately called for a photographer to show the world little Reggie’s magnificent creation at the request of our editors.
Reggie Righetti, aged 7, shows off his extraordinary clay model of a town.
“It’s supposed to be my street and my neighborhood, ” said Righetti, whose little lumps of shapeless clay were meant to represent houses and streets. Little Reggie and his teacher, Mrs. Brenda Lezcano, went on for hours about the dazzling creation and, at the request of our editors, we had to stay and listen.
“Reggie has always had a keen interest in architecture. I think he’ll be a city planner one day too!” said Lezcano, who somehow was able to divine the future from an aggregration of amorphous globs. “He even laid the roads out in a grid. So creative!”
At the request of our editors, this reporter discovered the type of clay used (Play, Fun!), the amount of time that Reggie has been modeling with clay (two months) and the occupation of his parents (father: accountant, mother: homemaker).
Although the information was not requested by our editors, this reporter walked around the perimeter of the building and noted the flora and fauna of the area, the type of mulch utilized on the playgrounds and the type of stones used outside the sewer runoff. And although they were not requested by our editors, this reporter collected samples wherever possible.
This reporter then headed straight to a nearby tavern to capture a little “local flavor”. But not before phoning this breaking story in immediately to the editors who will doubtless send it forth to an anxiously-awaiting public.
Museum Heist Nets Treasured Masterpiece
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES!
In news unfolding early this morning, Lankville police have announced that a daring overnight museum heist has netted thieves the nation’s most valuable painting. Law enforcement officials are currently viewing surveillance footage from the Lankville Museum of Art but have no leads.
The painting, “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion” by modernist master Linda Ten Boom (1919-1962), depicts a kitten and a basketball. It has been viewed by countless Lankvillians and is valued at over $100 million.
Detail from Ten Boom’s “In the Shadow of the Crucifixion”.
“It’s a dark day for art lovers,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “We believe that this heinous crime was carried out by some daring thieves as security is present everywhere in and around the museum,” added Gee-Temple, who asked that anyone with any information should contact him today between 12:30-2PM.
Art critic and historian BoVon Hayes, interviewed this morning while eating some bagels in a parking lot, was stunned by the theft.
“Ten Boom was a Lankville master and Crucifixion is her dies irae. A visual expression of her deep feelings about Lankville society in that time period. It is instantly recognizable.”
Police stated that no witnesses have stepped forward.
“We are hoping for something on the tapes,” added Gee-Temple, who seemed visibly shaken. “Unfortunately, many of the cameras were not positioned properly– were turned towards bathrooms or pointless alcoves or corners, away from any action that might have occurred on the floor. We’ll hope for some fingerprint, some fiber, something.”
An update is expected later this afternoon.
Pervert Cure Sought in New Bill
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk, Political Analyst
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Legislation designed to provide psychiatric treatment for perverts, who have been increasingly active in Lankville recently, has been prepared by the National Metropolitan Crime Thwarting League and will be presented to President Pondicherry upon his return from vacation.
Detective Gee-Temple, who is spearheading the measure, announced yesterday that the bill will be presented next month.
“We’ve seen a huge spike in perverts,” noted the intrepid lawman. “Our bill covers anything from window peeping to sex with fat people and we hope it will go a long way in putting these perverts back on the right road.”
W.W. Epperson is just one of 82,572 Lankvillians arrested as perverts this year.
Gee-Temple admitted that previous efforts to rehabilitate perverts have failed. “We have found that a lot of our methods don’t address the psychopathology of the illness,” stated the dauntless sleuth. “Jail terms have been proven not to work, hard labor, ditch-digging, drop-offs, beheadings– all these methods do not get to the root of the problem.”
The bill defines a pervert as “[someone] who is emotionally unstable, whose decisions [are] witless and doltish in regards to sexuality.” It provides that the pervert be placed in a separate ward of one of Lankville’s state institutions– either the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness or the Plush View Hills Hospital– and be provided necessary medical treatment.
Gee-Temple noted that in just the last few days alone, his department has been plagued by the problem of male perverts annoying theatre patrons and grocery store shoppers. “There’s been a real problem with perverts in the produce department. The fruits,” noted the unflinching shamus, who shook his head sadly at the state of affairs. “In particular, a problem with perverts holding up grapes. Round fruits. Things like that. And then speaking to customers in a lewd way. This is the sort of thing that needs to stop right now.”
Caused by Mental Defect
Dr. Lors Thon of Plush View Hills believes the pervert is suffering from a mental defect. “It requires prolonged treatment if anything at all is to be accomplished,” said the psychiatrist, who had an impressive collection of heavy tomes on his desk. “It’s a mental defect and these patients need to be segregated from other mental retardatives in order to prevent a general pollution of the hospital populace.”
A bell suddenly began ringing and Dr. Thon suddenly ran out of his office. The sounds of a riot could be heard distantly.
Pervert Statistics
Gee-Temple shared the staggering statistics. “In 2014 alone, we have made 82,572 arrests for sex perversion as compared to just 321 last year,” said the plucky dick. “A real spike. Now, most of these cases have been treated as disorderly conduct cases because the pervert was not caught in the act but rather a witness, say, a department store employee, called us because someone was doing something with a thermos. But, in many of these cases, we have caught the pervert red-handed.”
“The numbers have really gone up,” the fearless flatfoot noted after several moments of strange silence.
Council Delays Street Closing, Dumping Request; Calls Meeting
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A special meeting of the Lankville Heights City Council will be held today at 1:30 p.m. to consider a local pizza restaurant’s request to close segments of three streets.
Pizza Star, owned by longtime resident Randy Simmons (white), has also requested permission to dump pizzas into the city sewer system.
Pizza Star: In Limbo
“We have about 200, maybe 300 pizzas that are just sitting around, not doing anybody any good,” noted Simmons. “So, we just want to close the roads for a little while and shove them down into the sewers. It’s just a small thing really that’s turned into a big, bureaucratic mess.”
Simmons’ request had initially been upheld by the Council’s Traffic and Safety Commission but was then overturned by the City Council. Simmons immediately appealed.
“I mean, I’ve been shoving pizzas into the sewer system for years,” noted the embattled restaurateur, who has operated Pizza Star since 1981. “I don’t see what the problem is. I’ve shoved everything in there– flat sodas, old chairs, worn-out delivery bags. It’s my right as a taxpayer.”
Councilman Murray Bannerman noted that today’s meeting is just normal procedure.
“We’ve had some situations in the past where residents were unable to use the water in their homes or in their outside hose arrangements,” noted Bannerman, who was interviewed while examining condiment options at a local fast food establishment. “In many of these cases, it has been pizzas that have been blocking access to the water. We’re not saying that [Mr. Simmons] won’t be able to dump the pizzas, we just need to make sure that the last dumping of pizzas has been cleared.”
Simmons stated that his faith in local government has been shaken.
“I’ve seen people break open the tops of sewers and push old cars right down in there,” he noted. “You can’t tell me that 400 to 500, maybe 700 pizzas are gonna’ make any difference.”
Mystery Blaze Scorches Residence
By McGriff Key
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Mrs. Max Rudolph returned home yesterday to find her house filled with smoke and the interior of her kitchen charred by fire.
The cupboards were black, windows broken and the blinds and curtains burned.
“She had some door chimes over the door and they were melted completely off,” noted Sergeant Paul Sorrento of the East Lankville Fire Department, who was the first to respond to the scene. “She keeps a Christmas tree up all year and the angel at the top was melted into a funny-looking glob but otherwise the tree was unharmed. We were pleased with that.”
Ms. Max Rudolph, beloved for her Christmas villages.
Although the entire home was damaged by smoke, Sergeant Sorrento expects a speedy cleanup.
“I mean, she won’t be holding no fancy dinners with little frilly lace doilies and them red spray-painted god damn pine cones around a candle, but it’ll get done. Those guys are professionals.”
The origins of the fire are unknown although firefighters noted that business mogul Ric Royer was standing across the street during the entire incident.
“I just happened to be walking by with my pets,” Royer answered when asked. He was not observed to have any pets with him.
Mrs. Rudolph is well-known in these parts for her beautiful illuminated ceramic Christmas villages which she houses in her basement and displays in various Lankville department stores over the holidays.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK