Archive
Lankville Girls to Visit Pyramids
Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES! LOCAL
Some Lankville girls gathered in front of a tree today and announced their intention to visit the pyramids. The visit will take place in late August.
“The Lankville pyramids are renowned for their great mystical beauty,” said South County High School junior Pat Tabler, who is spearheading the trip. “We have spent a lot of time as a collective, meditating beneath an open metal-poled tetrahedron and now we want to take it to the next level and see what the pyramids have to offer,” Tabler added.
South County High School executives, however, are not thrilled by the idea.
PYRAMID GIRLS- Crouching: Belle Zuvella, Claudette Washington. Standing: Pat Tabler, Michelle Easler, Gail Iorg, Pat Borders
“Access to the pyramids is via a long desert road and there are only a couple of motels along the way,” said South County principal Flinders Yett, who was interviewed in his office. “Plus, they claim that they’d like to have a big slide show come the first of the school year and right now, frankly, this institution does not have any slide projectors. They got danced on accidentally. It was dark and it was completely by accident. What I’m suggesting though is that these girls–they’re going to make us look like a bunch of rummies.”
Yett knocked over a box of pencils in disgust.
“I’m excited,” said junior Claudette Washington, who was sporting a lovely thin summer sweater and tight denim pull-on’s. “My boyfriend was recently killed in a challenge and some of my other boyfriends have been killed in challenges too and then there’s just some guys that I’ve been having a good time with. Just hanging out in fields around a fire and having a good time. Little bit of roller skating, some hanging out under highway overpasses, little bit of just talking about pyramids, you know, man?”
“Right now, we’re going around to local businesses trying to drum up sponsors,” added Tabler, who intervened. “We believe the trip can have tremendous benefit for South County, for all of Lankville, really.”
Interested local concerns are encouraged to contact Miss Tabler at South County 5-2331. Businesses that have already contributed include Buntz Mallows, Hadbawnik Brush Piles, Chambers Company Hand Drills and several “Flying D’s” Service Stations.
Tip From Royer Leads to Tire Thief
By McGriff Key
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer was credited with giving police a tip which resulted in the apprehension and conviction of an alleged tire thief.
Trumpets Meyer of South Lankville was arrested Sunday night after a probe by city detectives. He was given three consecutive life terms this morning.
Royer touched off the theft probe Saturday when he called firemen to quell a grass fire in the Lankville Heights Area. Once the conflagration had been extinguished, firemen discovered the remains of four new tires in the lot. They notified police.
Ric Royer: Hero
“It’s true that I set the field on fire,” noted Royer, who was given a small trophy for his act of heroism. “But I did not realize the new tires were there. It was only later that they were discovered.”
Detectives said they caught Meyer Sunday night as he dropped from the roof of a tire company building carrying three tires.
“He said that he had put the tires on the roof and waited until the company’s closing time to retrieve them,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who made the arrest. “We asked him then about the burned-up tires in the field and he admitted to those as well.”
“It’s another wrong made right,” Gee-Temple stated after several moments of awkward silence.
“I’m glad that these tires are back home,” said Royer, in an extremely loud voice when asked about the tires. “I did set the field on fire and some other fields that same night and also two houses but it’s alright. It’s terrible to steal tires.”
Royer noted that Twin Removed Pines Mall (where he currently resides) does not have a tire shop.
“It’s strange when you think about it,” Royer said, in the same odd loud voice. “I’m happy to be able to contribute to the capture of a tire kidnapper.”
Royer laughed very lightly and the interview was ended prematurely.
Boat Authorized
Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Purchase of a $6,000 boat has been authorized, sources are confirming.
The Lankville Pines Board of Recreation Supervisor Tuxedo Chrissy will purchase the boat with funds to come from a $10,000 budget set up for the department of parks and recreation. The supervisor specified that the boat will be operated on reservoirs throughout the Pines.
Tuxedo Chrissy, Supervisor
Although the boat will remain under the direct supervision of the board, Lankville National Statistician Ernst Conde said that the boat will probably be assigned to the sheriff’s office. Conde said the board is still shopping for the boat but plans to buy an aluminum hull. “It will be a versatile boat. They can use it to rescue people and also for patrolling,” Conde advised. Conde’s head suddenly morphed to the shape of a summer squash and the statistician had to be carried to the nearest hospital.
Questioned by The Lankville Daily News on the matter, Tuxedo Chrissy advised, “Well, we gotta’ have this boat, OK. You come up with one thing, I come up with another and if we can’t get the two to meet, well then we’re gonna’ have a problem.”
Tuxedo Chrissy bristled at the idea of the boat being assigned to the sheriff’s office.
“He just got that $900 for air conditioners. I’m keeping that boat. That boat is rightfully mine.”
742 people have died in Lankville reservoirs in the past year.
“Bit of a spike,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was surprised by the figure. “Hopefully, that boat will help. It usually helps.”
Legalities Delay East Lankville County Library Project
By Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Legal delays are expected to put the completion of the new main branch of the East Lankville County library system a minimum of 4 years away, sources are confirming.
The breakdown of the construction timetable was revealed in Thursday’s meeting of the East Lankville County Board of Trustees.
“We’re sort of at a standstill,” said Board Chairman Damaso Moseby, referring to the legal holdup of the building’s construction.
Damaso Moseby: On the Hot Seat
Library construction had proceeded well and rapidly for months at the old Meyer Plantain Hut building at the corner of Little Sherman Avenue and Eastern Lankville Route 31. Then, when a series of mysterious fires racked the area and a criminal complaint was issued against Moseby, the plans were cut short.
“He set all the fires and he sells drugs,” said Gladys Milton, who operates an aquarium across the street from the proposed location and filed the complaint. “We don’t want him in our neighborhood.”
Moseby denies the allegations and points to his clean criminal record and years of public service. “We’re just trying to build a library out of a plantain hut for the Eastern Lankville community,” the beleaguered chairman stated. “I really don’t know where [Ms. Milton] is getting these ideas.”
Today, the board will reconvene to amend the current policy regarding the lending of reference materials. “We want to be able to continue to provide for the Eastern Lankville Community and we hope to make it easier for individuals to borrow items from the storage facilities under the supervision of the branch manager or librarian in charge,” stated Moseby. “However, patrons will not be able to visit our current site, which should be consider closed until further notice.”
“I’m happy about that,” said Mrs. Milton, when informed. “He sells drugs. He’s a drug dealer and a firestarter. It’s for the best.”
Lankville Merchants Claim Shoplifting Epidemic; Pondicherry Probes
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Merchants across Lankville are in agreement that a shoplifting epidemic is gripping the nation.
“Everyone in the strip mall is getting hit hard,” noted Dot Peg, owner of the Eastern Lankville Craft Barn. “Our inventory for last month is unable to account for 698 items, 12 fixtures and an entire shelving unit. We can only put the blame on shoplifters at this point.”
Surprisingly, police records in the capital and surrounding towns show only one arrest on the books for the month of June, despite general agreement among merchants that losses were heaviest during that period.
“It’s not on our radar,” noted Detective Gee-Temple from his spacious offices at the Lankville City Courthouse. “We haven’t had any calls or, at least, we haven’t answered any. But it’s something we might be able to look into.”
Dot Peg, owner of The Craft Barn.
A group of merchants have taken the complaint straight to President Pondicherry, who promised a probe just before leaving for his summer vacation.
In a short speech from a battered lectern on someone’s lawn, Pondicherry stated, “we will probe this. If the initial probe fails to reveal anything, the probe will be extended.”
Still, detectives feel that there are very few professional thieves in Lankville.
“It’s tempting, I’m sure,” noted Gee-Temple, who reached to close some blinds which, unfortunately, fell to the floor in a clatter of twisted ersatz wood. “It looks like it would be easy and it actually is easy,” added Gee-Temple, after he pushed the collapsed blinds beneath a nearby bookshelf. “It’s very easy to steal from most stores,” Gee-Temple reiterated.
In the meantime, many merchants plan to add special techniques to catch shoplifters and initiate special training among their employees to stop the rogues.
“It’s shoot to kill at The Craft Barn now,” noted Peg. “The nonsense ends today.”
Paul E. Turtlott Claimed by Death
Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Death has claimed the life of Paul E. Turtlott, former mayor of Lankville’s Northern Hole Area, the Turtlott family is confirming. Turtlott was 84.
Paul E. Turtlott has died.
Mr. Turtlott was born in the town of Roogs in 1930 to Steve E. Turtlott and Mary Turtlott, nee Jones. He obtained a law degree from the Small University of Eastern Lankville in 1954 and ran the Turtlott and Turtlott Law Firm with his younger brother Jimmy Turtlott until 1962 when the elder Turtlott sought office.
Turtlott held the post of mayor of the Northern Hole Area from 1963-1978.
“Turtlott was a great mayor,” said former associate Jackie Pears, now 78. “Turtlott had a lot going for him and people in the Northern Hole Area liked Turtlott. Turtlott was their man in a lot of ways. They used to say, “Turtlott is for the People” and I think that’s very true about Paul E. Turtlott.”
Funeral services will be held at the Vast Tabernacle for Expeditious Prayer in the Northern Hole Area on Friday. Turtlott will be interred on Saturday at Buntz Mallows Memorial Cemetery. He is survived by his wife Eleanor Turtlott and his children Steve Turtlott, Drane Turtlott and Gladys Milton nee Turtlott.
“We’ve lost a prodigal son in Turtlott,” noted current Northern Hole mayor Rick “The Dragon” Micks, who was interviewed while pushing his tray along a tubular cafeteria slide and staring at food options through a smudged sneeze guard. “The Turtlott name is no small thing in the Northern Hole Area. So, we’ll see how these mashed potatoes turn out and call it a day.”
Frater-Xerxes (Ric Royer) Collapses Near Mall Fountain
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS! YES!
Frater-Xerxes (formerly Ric Royer) collapsed this morning near an inoperable fountain at Twin Removed Pines Mall in downtown Lankville, sources are confirming. The Frater is currently in an undisclosed location.
The fountain at Twin Removed Pines Mall in its heyday.
The Frater’s mall retail space house has remained closed to reporters.
“He’s had some sort of problem with this fountain for quite some time,” noted mall CEO Scott Kites. “We’ve had some trouble getting it to work, actually because of something that Mr. Royer [Frater-Xerxes] did. He had an Easter basket filled with rolled pennies and he spent the whole day dropping them into the fountain from the second floor. I think it clogged up the apparatus.”
“I think Mr. Royer [Frater-Xerxes] feels that we should have had it working by now,” added Kites, who has been trying to remove the eccentric Lankville business magnate from the retail space for several months.
“He doesn’t sell anything. He lives there. He puts up lurid curtains. He dumps excessive amounts of pennies into the fountains. It needs to stop,” Kites stated.
The Frater’s current condition is unknown.
“He has this big, extremely velvety robe that he wears every morning. It’s got a gold fleur-de-lis on it– sometimes he wears a crown but he didn’t have that on today,” noted a custodian who refused to be identified and was later found murdered. “He just stood by the fountain for a long time and you could see that he was getting lightheaded and then he just collapsed. That was it.”
“We finished up our cinnamon loaf slabs and then called for help,” the custodian added.
Further updates on the Frater’s condition are expected later today.
Snappy Dressing by King Tucker
King Tucker
The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present a new feature by King Tucker of Hoover Island.
Hoover Island is famous around the world for its nudity. Our culture is primarily nudist. If you were to walk down our broad avenues, you would notice many nude people. You might notice, for instance, giant exposed titties or big hanging dongs. In our culture, this is completely normal, nothing unusual at all.
Upon occasion, however, we do dress. At our annual harvest, for example, my palace is thrown open to all Hooverites and a lavish pumpkin ball is held. It is a grand celebration of yet another success with our pumpkin crop, Hoover Island’s chief export. Our lovely women, their hair coiffed in complicated, intricate waves, grace the palace in their exquisite evening dresses. These are the same women that, perhaps, just a few days before, you saw stark naked, bending down to rummage through a basket of potatoes at the local market. This is our life, our culture.
For the pumpkin ball, I commission a tuxedo in sea foam green with an orange bow-tie (in celebration of our great gourds). I greet each Hooverite and compliment them on their snappy dress. Many of these people I saw completely nude– top to bottom, just a few days prior. I have come to memorize their disrobed haunches as a Lankvillian might memorize a neighborhood street corner. All of this is completely normal. It is our legacy.
I settle the throng with the gentle tinkle of a fork against a glass. And I speak of the pumpkins. “We are dressed tonight to celebrate our great harvest,” I will generally say. Sometimes, I pick up a pumpkin (a little one) and hold it up for everyone to see. The image of the monarch, clad in the finest-tailored suit, is inspiring to the people.
But the next day, we are all nude again. Back are the bare-skinned yams, the pendulous nads right out there like a bunch of worn-out socks. But this is our life. This is Hoover Island.
These are my people.
Further articles by King Tucker will continue in later issues.
Royer Changes Name to “Frater-Xerxes”
By Larry “God” Peters
Eccentric Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he has changed his name to “Frater-Xerxes”.
Frater Xerxes’ (Ric Royer’s) most recent mental institution portrait.
“I’m set with Frater-Xerxes now,” announced Royer, from a rural mountain carnival somewhere in the Lankville Mountain District. “It’s a process guys, it’s a process.”
Royer was unsure of the historical origins of the name. “It was given to me by a magical mountain sage who I met while buying a rubber raincoat. When he came up to me, the raincoat burst spontaneously into flames,” noted the Frater. “I knew then that I would follow him.”
The Frater is using the carnival as a test-run for his new pretzel and frosted nut kiosks, set to begin operation in Lankille-area malls during the winter.
“We’ll start up here, feeding people who don’t matter,” said the Frater, who was clad in a strange brown robe with a see-through outer jacket made of wire and trash bags. “I can test my machines easier here and if anything happens to any of these customers, then it’s just a matter of dragging their lifeless corposes into the woods. There’s not a lot of people horning around, asking troublesome questions here. The air is fresh and God-like and there is no burden. Seed spilled into the ground will turn into a mighty tree.”
The Frater was then asked about his controversial mall retail space/home.
“It’s glorious, full of wonders. We have been through a lot this year and…”
(The interview had to be ended when the uneven legs of the Frater’s picnic table caused an extra-large soda to spill on the ground. No one helped the Frater and there was an interminable period of deep confusion and darkness).
Robots to Monitor Parks
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
In an attempt to curb the recent rise of “park challenges”, the Lankville Bureau of Probes announced yesterday that they will be installing mechanical police robots as early as next week.
“Many people go to the park,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who is spearheading the initiative. “They go and then they see a challenge, maybe two. And it ruins their picnic, volleyball game or make-out session,” noted Gee-Temple, who gave a short press conference this morning in which a large sheet cake was served. “The Lankville Bureau of Probes have collaborated with the Electronics Cranny to create this new “park robot” which will hopefully help to ebb this recent wave of challenges that have afflicted our great country.”
Detail of “park robot”.
Gee-Temple then removed a sheet from an object behind him. It turned out to be a “park robot”.
The intrepid detective then invited the creator of the “park robot” Fritz Tennis to the lectern.
“Each of these robots has been trained in the art of disrupting a challenge,” noted Tennis, an inventor and frequent Electronics Cranny columnist.
“Their strong mechanical arms and molded steel “grippers” or “hands”, if you will, are specifically designed to overwhelm the challenger, engulf him in robot and ultimately keep the challenger shackled until further police or robot help can arrive.”
“The “park robots” are also designed to shoot people in the face if necessary,” added Tennis.
Tennis suddenly left through a side door and no further questions were taken.
Belvedere Mauled by Bear
By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Lankville Daily News columnist Brock Belvedere, Jr. was badly mauled by a bear Wednesday evening in the cafeteria at the Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo in the Western Valley Area. Belvedere is currently in critical condition.
Zoo officials stated that the bear entered the cafeteria via an access doorway that was accidentally left ajar. He immediately attacked the 52-year old journalist.
“Bundles”, 2005-2014
“He [Mr. Belvedere] was eating alone and “Bundles” had somehow climbed out of our historical bear pit, went up a stairway into the cafeteria unnoticed and just got all up in Mr. Belvedere’s cranny,” noted zoo official Rance Keepers. “Fortunately, pretty much all of our patrons were carrying guns and they shot Bundles dead.”
The Lankville Bureau of Probes has already opened an investigation.
“Obviously, we’ve had a number of problems with the Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo,” noted lead prober Detective Gee-Temple. “You have the President [Dr. Pondicherry] being eaten by a lion, you have the incident a few years back with Ric Royer getting his arm stuck in a trash receptacle shaped like a lion’s head, you have that terrible zoo peeper that used to hang from trees. Clearly, an investigation is warranted.”
Belvedere is being treated at Vitiello Decorative Hams hospital.
“We may have to do some surgery,” said Dr. Alvin Parrish, who was interviewed by telephone. “His head is basically off. I mean, it’s still on but really it’s about off. I think bears like to eat heads the best and that’s what we’re seeing here today, Grady.”
Belvedere has been a senior staff writer for the News since 1979.
Missing Magnate Meyer Spotted Entering Woods with Case of Light Beer
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
A LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES! BREAKING REPORT
Missing fried plantain magnate Shane Meyer was spotted this morning entering a wooded area carrying a case of light beer.
Meyer was followed along a rudimentary dirt path until he came to a stop along a hillside overlooking a debris-choked creek and a half-deserted Neptune dealership. He placed a tattered blanket on the ground, opened a beer and began unloading items from a small backpack which included a plastic container of soup, a copy of popular singer John Berndt’s autobiography Get to the Heart, RIGHT! and a makeup palette.
Meyer family, 1982. Shane is pictured second from right.
Meyer was observed for nearly an hour, applying different shades of rouge and then removing them with a moist rag. He read occasionally from the Berndt book and drank seven beverages. He disposed of the cans in the aforementioned creek.
Meyer suddenly sensed that we were watching him when this reporter accidentally stepped on a nearby squeeze toy. As he stared fixedly into the brush where we lay, the executive slowly slipped out of his shorts and began to urinate straight into the air, managing a fount between six to eight feet. We knew then it was time to leave.
The incident was later reported to the Lankville Police Offices, who promised a full investigation.
“Obviously we would like to know where he is,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was placed in charge of the case. “Mr. Meyers [sic] is an important, rich man and we will spare no expense in locating him.”
Meyer has been missing since August, 2013, when the crude tire-house in which he had been living burned to the ground.
Vitiello Introduces Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig
By Lance Pepsid, Special Fashion Correspondent
Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. announced today that they will begin selling decorative slow-roasted pigs in time for Summer, 2014.
“We have accomplished everything we hoped to accomplish with the Decorative Ham and it is now time to move on to the decorative slow-roasted pig,” noted founder and CEO Chris Vitiello, who gave a short press conference clad in flowing white robes with two braided whips wound around each shoulder. “You may transmit this information to your whorish readers in whatever manner you see fit.”
Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig (prototype)
Later, Vitiello sat down with Lankville Daily News fashion correspondent Lance Pepsid.
CV: It is one of the great wonders of our day, Mr. Pepsid, that you continue to be dispatched to cover stories for which you are shamelessly ill-suited.
LP: Tell us about the decorative slow-roasted pigs– will they be available for the BBQ season?
CV: When is the BBQ season exactly, Mr. Pepsid. Can you mark that on any earthly calendar?
LP: Well, how they can be utilized in the backyard…
CV: Let’s make something clear, Mr. Pepsid. Use of a Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig in an outdoor setting requires further permits that be very difficult to acquire. A Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig is ideally suited for the living room. That is the room for which it was designed.
LP: It seems like it would be nice for outdoors…
CV: Are you questioning the intent of the designer, Mr. Pepsid?
LP: Let’s move on. How much do they cost?
CV: Cost should never be a consideration when purchasing an item from Vitiello Decorative Hams. People with such concerns should frequent those shuddersome dollar stores that continue to be a blight on our landscape and which profess to sell oriental rugs for $20 (Lankville).
LP: I’m sure people would like an estimate.
CV: Move your chair towards the wall Mr. Pepsid.
Pepsid was whipped mercilessly.
August Memories of Youth by “Inner Hammer”
One of the few known photographs of “Inner Hammer”.
Ric Royer’s latest “Experience” is a chunk of horseshit. He never spent any time in such environs, never had mountain beacons, never witnessed an apocalypse. But he did remind me of one thing– the Cucumbrix 2000.
Ah, I recall coming home from school and heading straight into my parent’s darkened living room, adorned in thick oranges and browns. We had a gigantic wood-enclosed television and the Cucumbrix rested in a drawer that emerged from beneath. I would slap in one of the many great cartridges– there was Turtles!, yes but I always preferred Hunting in the Wooded Area (which came with a light-sensing rifle) or Racing Hardtops or the robust swords and sorcery game Castle Hesitation.
I would play for hours. Eventually, someone would come home– I could hear footsteps in the hallway– but they would always pass by the living room and head towards the bedrooms in the back and the next thing I knew, I’d hear heavy suction noises followed by the loud beeping of an empty IV. And I’d just turn up the video orchestra that was the sound of the Cucumbrix 2000.
A white and a brown person play the Cucumbrix 2000. The creator of the system shot himself in the face.
I was never fed as a child. But it didn’t matter because the Cucumbrix was my sustenance. I had nearly all of the company’s offerings and I cannot describe the sincere heartache I felt when I went by myself to the store to find the display case gone.
“The owner shot himself in the face,” the teenage clerk told me, point-blank. I believe that may have been my first brush with mortality. “You were the only one that ever bought these things,” he added.
I stood beneath his raised platform, near to tears.
“Asshole,” he said quietly, without heat.
Two days later some men in blue jackets came to take my Cucumbrix. It was law, they said, all systems had to be removed and they were going house to house to insure that their job was done thoroughly.
I sat on the thick orange carpet, staring at the empty drawer for days.
Pondicherry: “I’m a Levi-Straussian Totemist…and a Gay Bozo”
By Larry “God” Peters
Following several hours of television and restrained puzzles, hospitalized President Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. entertained Lankville Daily News reporters with exploits of his intellectual adventures.
“Well, I’m a Levi-Straussian totemist, of course,” said Pondicherry, who also spent the morning snapping bras and creating complex messes in the nurse’s station. “In the Manido System, we have eagles, geese and the chthonian snakes. Sometimes birds are invoked in my special breed of sexual totemism. The woodpecker and the superb warbler become symbols of how my sex and my liquids of life relate to the plant kingdom.”
Blurry image of President Pondicherry
“I’m also a gay bozo,” the President added.
When pressed further about this comment, Pondicherry immediately alighted on the subject of brush piles. “Have you seen the new offerings from the Hadbawnik Company? They have ascended to the apogee of their business with these new piles– it is a splendid, towering achievement.”
After wolfing down a carafe of viscous coffee and a plate of steamed little pizzas, Pondicherry continued. “In the sexual totemist world, the sorcerer (who is Me) exhibits a tamed animal as proof of his power. The animal then lends its services to the sorcerer, by becoming a spy and finding out which of the upstarts has the most exuberant member. If a masculine totem becomes injured in this manner, for example, if a tent collapses, then the entire sexual group feels insulted and a dispute will likely ensue.”
Pondicherry then requested an additional plate of little pizzas but was denied by a surly nurse. “Ah, but I strapped her bra earlier,” he said, confidently. “She will not deny me later.”
The President refused to answer questions about his health, referring to such inquiries as “meatless bagatelles” and “streamless micturations”.
He is expected to be released sometime next week.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK