The Lankville Daily News

By Gump Tibbs

Newly sworn-in President Albert Pondicherry, Jr. became violently ill last night and had to be hospitalized. The President was in good spirits this morning, however, and entertained reporters with an account of his favorite hobby.

President Pondicherry, Jr. has a peculiar hobby.

“Bra-snapping in my roomy pants,” Pondicherry answered unequivocally when asked. “I put on a pair of extremely roomy pants. I like to have a lot of room in the waist, groin and around the top of the thighs. Then I go out to a place where I know there will be a preponderance of elegant older women shopping for objets d’art. I feign interest in the same objet d’art. I try to horn in on the objet d’art, you know, to make them feel a little bit uncomfortable. As they turn away, I grab their bra from behind and snap it powerfully.”

“Oh my friends, it is a wonderful, wonderful, exquisite experience.”

The President ejaculated a booming, joyous laugh before reporters were escorted out of the room by a surly nurse.

The nature of Pondicherry’s illness is currently unknown.

By Bernie Keebler

A beast appeared today, sources are confirming.

“I was lying in my bra and panties by the window when I first saw it,” noted witness Lisa Sisters-Pulldrawers. “I did not cover myself but merely let out a horrific scream. I had just time enough to paint a picture of the horrible creature.”

According to Sisters-Pulldrawers, the beast then took off towards the East.

Lisa Sisters-Pulldrawers had just enough time to executive this crude painting of the alleged beast.

Lankville conspiracy theorists and millenarians are already attributing the appearance of the beast to the election of Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr.

“If you look into the background of Pondicherries [sic], you’ll know about his secret late-night meetings, the various ritualistic scars that he bears upon his body, his interest in mysterious back rooms,” noted local lunatic Edvard Collins, from his darkened, book-lined study. “This beast appeared in Lankville to remind us of our terrible misfortune in having him elected. I only worry that now it’s too late.”

As of press time, the beast has not been located.

“We’re looking for it,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was standing in some tall grass. “It’s a process.”

By Glitzy Fritz Tannenbaum
Special Zoo Attache

FIle Photo

Lankville police in tandem with the Lankville Bureau of Probes are interrogating the zookeeper and staff of the Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo in connection with the death of President Pondicherry sources are confirming.

The President was eaten by a lion late last night. He was 56.

President Pondicherry’s death could have been prevented.

“There may have been some impropriety here in regards to the caging of the lions,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, one of the first to respond to the scene. “Additionally, we have evidence of misconduct on the part of zoo staff.”

Jerry Papers of Eastern Lankville was a witness to the President’s death.

“When you go to [Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo], you kind of just expect that lions and elephants will be following you around and that there will be no visible sign of any staff whatsoever. There have been a lot of accidents there.”

Papers was suddenly, himself, mauled by a roving panda.

The Lankville Bureau of Probes had already announced by press time that they had completed their inquiry and that 6 individuals had been executed.

“We believe that the President’s death could have been prevented.  Justice has been served,” noted an LBP official who refused to be identified.   “We are still holding the zookeeper,” added the investigator.  “He has a lot of good animal jokes, so we’d like to hear the rest of them and then…”  The official trailed off.

President Pondicherry was 56.

File Photo

By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent  Lankville Action News YES! Team

Larry “God” Peters had a chance to sit down with President Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. in someone’s garage.

LP: Interesting venue.
AP: It serves its purpose. I like that the door is up and you can see out into the street.
LP: Let’s talk about Lankville. Were you present at the meeting about the rise of Challenges in the country?
AP: No. On my way to the hotel, I was rear-ended by a mysterious truck. I got out to exchange insurances and the driver threw a sack over my head, punched me repeatedly and shoved me in the back of a waiting sedan. I passed out for awhile and when I woke up I was in a hole, being buried alive.
LP: Sounds like quite a night!

President Pondicherry’s official portrait.

AP: Fortunately, two kindly men, who, for reasons unclear were visiting a graveyard in the middle of the night, came along and rescued me.
LP: Well, let’s get back to Lankville. We have some controversial things going on. Let’s start with business magnate Ric Royer living in a mall.
AP: Well, we simply can’t have that. We have a great number of young people and halfwits that simply cannot be exposed to that lifestyle.
LP: And what about the news that Inner Hammer disappeared into a cornfield?
AP: I’m fine with that.  Not everything can be explained analytically.
LP: Anything else of note.
AP: Yes. Someone tried to bury me alive.
LP: Alright, thanks a lot.

Peters suddenly terminated the interview.

File Photo

By Bernie Keebler
The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Senior Staff Writer

Maps are now available at gas stations sources are reporting.

“Yes, we’re giving out maps at the gas station,” stated Cuno Baerga, who owns the “Flying D” station in downtown Lankville.  “There is a little green tin that we’ve nailed into a post and you can find them there.  It’s true.”

According to Baerga, the maps depict roadways and places of interest in downtown Lankville.  “All the malls are there, the little streets.  They are very nice maps.”

Baerga was pressed to talk further about the maps but had little to say.

“They are just maps with some…”  We interrupted Baerga and accused him of dishonesty and subterfuge.  He was later arrested by Lankville police.

“We’ll definitely be putting him into a small hot room tonight,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to respond to the scene.  “This is important information and Mr. Bakers [sic] failed to adequately apprise the public of the situation.  He’ll probably get 20 years.”

Shortly before press time, Baerga was sentenced to 25 years.

“We are glad that justice has been dispensed.  The maps will still be handed out.  No question about that,” noted Gee-Temple.

The maps that are being handed out depict downtown Lankville and environs.

By Deacon Casper
Lankville Action News YES! Team
Teets Island Chain Correspondent

File photo

Small pizza mogul “Inner Hammer” was spotted today on the beach outside his hotel room sawing tennis balls in half.

In this Lankville Daily News recreation, a tennis ball is sawn in half.

“He was using a circular saw, sawing all these tennis balls in half and then pitching them into the ocean,” said beachgoer La’Quinta Hoes. “He stood there for over an hour doing this. It seemed to serve no purpose whatsoever. And when he was done, he reared back and lobbed the circular saw into the ocean too.”

Hoes was later either eaten by a whale or shot.

Inner Hammer confessed to the act while interviewed at lunch.

“Sure, I did it. It needed to be done and I did it. Really no big deal fellows,” commented the executive while sitting down to a meal of honey-baked hams, yard sausages, and rare acorns. “Don’t you guys have any real news to report, maybe one of those made-up Royer Experiences or some horseshit from space?”

Inner Hammer kicked a chair over to show his displeasure.

By Shelley Reports   Lankville Action News YES! Financial Team
Financial Expert

File Photo

Shelley did such a lusty, sensual job reporting on stocks that the Lankville Daily News is pleased to present her “Small Business Parade” feature.  We are bursting with anticipation.

Business:  Nuts, Ah!
Location: Twin Removed Pines Mall

Launched in 2007, Nuts, Ah! offers nuts and other gifts out of a kiosk at the popular downtown mall. “People have been really receptive to our nuts,” noted owner Lorr-raine Murphy. “And we’ve drawn an exceptional staff of young female nut handlers who believe in our vast concepts and bring their own ideas and experiences to the table. The vending of nuts is by no means a completed process. It’s growing and changing with the times.”

Business:  Compelling Basements, Inc.
Location: A van

Started in 2002 by two brothers in the Northern Hole Area, Compelling Basements, Inc. has now grown to a staff of eight. “We still operate out of a van,” noted CEO Larry Y. Temple. “Basically, to create the hierarchal system necessary to run a business that finishes basements, we work on a patch system. It’s kind of like the armies, I guess. You get patches according to your rank.”

Temple displayed his work uniform which featured 379 patches.

“We do basement rehabilitation,” added Managing Director Gene C. Temple. “We can make a corner seamless and accent it with flourescent lighting. People have generally been happy with our work and we will never revisit your home when you are not present even though we know your schedule and access doors. But that will never happen with Compelling Basements, Inc.”

Stay tuned for further features on small Lankville business in coming issues!

We just wanted to call attention to what a great job Shelley did on this report.  She really looked just terrific when she submitted it too– those knee-high leather boots and that red leotard.  Wow!  Shelley, just wanted to apologize too for driving by your apartment slowly the other night.  I just…well…you’re just such a great lady, Shelley!