Archive
Lankville Birds Have Learned to Use Fire
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A scientific conference heard evidence today that Lankville birds have learned to use fire, sources are reporting.
“The birds pick up smoldering sticks or fire clubs and drop them in unburnt territory,” said ornithologist Graham Pipettes of the Southern Lankville Harder University. “Although the behavior has not been photographed, the accounts are reliable and confirmed,” Pipettes added.
Pipettes and his colleagues recently completed a survey of over 1,000 first-hand accounts of the activity.
“A great number were from bumpkins but we also have many reports from park rangers and those people charged with conducting early dry season burns to prevent the build-up of flammable material.”
The future of Lankville?
“Also, Brock Belvedere,” Pipettes added after a mysterious pause.
The activity makes evolutionary sense, Pipettes told Household Parakeet Magazine (Lankville’s only bird-based periodical), because fires provides birds with a major food source. “Reptiles, frogs, insects and squirrels rush away from the fire, and then the birds just wait in front, right at the foot of the fire, waiting to catch them. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” Pipettes said. “Small fires often attract so many birds that there’s not even enough prey, so a bird that was being beaten to its lunch might benefit from starting its own new fire away from all the other prior fires.”
Pipettes giggled nervously and the interview was ended prematurely.
Many in the political community are doubtful of the conference’s findings. President Pondicherry took to social media to express his views on the subject.
“If I pick up a stick that’s on fire and drop it in the woods, the woods will not catch on fire,” said the President. “And I love birds.”
A press conference is expected later today.
Royer Renovating Building
By Bill Hubble
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Progress on the Royer Building.
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has been renovating a building in the Snowy Lake Regions, sources are confirming.
The building, which suffered wind damage last spring and was later bombed in a challenge, was once a warehouse for the Life Lessons Funeral Home.
“It’s very gratifying seeing an historic structure return like some sort of godless revenant and grab a piece of its former grandeur and glory,” noted Royer in a prepared statement. “I’ve been able to watch the progress first-hand from a large chair that I had constructed and set right in the middle of the main room.”
Royer declined to comment on his intentions for the building but said that he likes the idea of starting a fitness center or a magic shop.
“Maybe both,” Royer averred, as his gaze suddenly swung to the ceiling for reasons unclear.
Royer is the founder and owner of Worlds of Royer Toys, an icynene foam installation service and a dinner theatre among other holdings. He currently lives at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
Identity of Youth Mystifies Police
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
There is a boy in the Southern Pond Area jail who is proving very much of a conundrum.
The boy, who was arrested on January 15th in the act of distributing lewd pamphlets, has confounded area and national police.
“We have been unable to find out exactly who he is,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was called to the scene. “He first gave his name as George Peterson and then later as Tom Barrasso, Jr. and still later as Floyd Tettleton. At first, he said he came from the Islands but now he’s saying that he comes from the Hills. He has, at various times, said the Eastern and Western Hills.”
The boy is about 15 years of age, stands 5 feet 2 inches and weighs 375 pounds.
A series of lewd pamphlets recently seized by Lankville police.
“He’s pretty wide,” Gee-Temple added. “He’s probably wider than he is tall, if you can imagine.”
The boy stated at first that he had never gone to school but then later said that he had completed two years at a Hill School. He said he had left the Hills two years ago, had been on a boat at one time and arrived in the Southern Pond Area some time last summer. He could not remember the names of his parents or any relatives.
“Hill people sometimes don’t have names,” Gee-Temple noted. “They are a mean people, bound to the soil.”
The boy would not elaborate on how he had taken up the vocation of lewd pamphleteer. “It was a pamphlet catering to behinds,” Gee-Temple stated. “As in, rumps,” the intrepid detective averred.
The distribution of lewd pamphlets carries an automatic sentence of 60 years in the Southern Pond Area.
“I suppose there’s a chance that the boy could serve less time due to being underage,” said Gee-Temple. “He could also, of course, be sent to a retarded home. We’ll just have to see how it plays out.”
Second Volume of Keebaugh Memoirs to Be Released Tomorrow
By Otis Nixon
The second volume of Lankville Daily News correspondent Zach Keebaugh’s memoirs will be released tomorrow, sources are confirming.
My Tussle: Book Two: A Boy in Love, a 1,413-page tome covering “Keebaugh’s middle school years” has gotten rave reviews.
“Keebaugh’s second volume is a monument to the rapture and intoxication of young love,” said literary critic Bernard Varrone, Jr. “When he writes– “yo, love is like the miracle of cool rivers and shit-vast forests” the reader can relate to that in a profound and personal way.”
Keebaugh says that My Tussle: Book Two: A Boy in Love will cover his life from grades 6-8.
Keebaugh, author of “My Tussle”.
“Yo, the book begins with a 100-page reflection on my rejection at the hands of this ginger chick Nicole Wilderson and ends with me and Michelle Farley in a swimming pool at the end of my eighth grade summer,” the writer noted. “What a night that was but another pivotal moment in my struggle.”
Keebaugh is already working on volume three.
“The original plan was to drop a tetraology. A big old fuckin’ tet, man. But now, I’m thinking that this bad boy could end up being six or seven volumes, man. Shit, I’m only at the end of the eighth grade.”
My Tussle: Book Two: A Boy in Love has already sold several thousand advance copies and will be available at most Lankville bookshops.
Gump Penetrates
Gump Tibbs
It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews UFOlogist Brian Schropp (not to be confused with Lankville Daily News cuisine writer Brian Schropp).
GT: So, for awhile, everybody thought that you were the guy that wrote those delightful articles about food. You’re not?
BS: (deep sighing for 45 seconds): Anybody who is remotely familiar with Dr. Stephen Altbright’s seventeen volume series ‘History Of The Schropp’s In Modern Day Lankville’ knows there are two distinct yet totally separate Schropp bloodlines. That other Brian Schropp belongs to the lesser more primitive bloodline which messed around with all those Hill People. I can assure you Mr. Tibbs, I am in no way connected with that so-called cuisine writer. And quite frankly I’m getting sick and tired of strangers coming up to me asking for my opinion on which pizza pouch would best suit their needs. I AM NOT THAT WRETCHED LOATHSOME MAN!!
GT: You look a little like him.
BS: Please do not insult me any further.
GT: What a delight! Do you like food?
BS: In the respect that everyone needs food to survive, then yes. You might say I have what is called a ‘delicate stomach’ so most foods, even with just a hint of spice, will give me a major case of ‘the runs’. Most of what I eat is very bland and pasty.
GT: Do you prefer flying saucers over food?
The other Brian Schropp
BS: What a silly question! Yes, of course. Food is just a boring constant in our lives. But UFOs, especially on the topic of how gravity relates to them, is so endlessly fascinating. I was a little shocked to find that I was the first to write about this subject matter.
GT: Really fabulous. What is space?
BS: Depends on what you mean by ‘space’. There is the space around us, here in this room. Space between the atoms of each thing in this room, including us. Then you have the space above us which surrounds the room and atoms. So you might ask yourself, ‘How does a flying saucer factor into all these spaces?’ I don’t mind telling you if you’re curious.
GT: Just super. What is gravity?
BS: Depends on what you exactly mean by ‘gravity’. You see, you have the gravity which is holding us down here in our seats. We also have the gravity which holds not only our planet but other mighty celestial things in the cosmos in place, almost like a super dark matter gravity. Now you might ask yourself, ‘How does a flying saucer factor into these different types of gravities?’ I don’t mind telling you if you’re curious.
GT: A lot of people are seeing flying saucers lately. Why?
BS: Well that really depends on what is meant by ‘seeing’. What does the human eye really see? Can our eyes really see the true reality of things, like gravity for instance? Then you need to ask yourself, ‘How does a flying saucer factor into us not seeing the things around us?’ I really don’t mind explaining any of this if you’re curious.
GT: Just remarkable. Do you think aliens have guns?
BS: Oh hell yes! Big huge laser monstrosities which can rip a man’s soul apart. If you have any guns maybe we can pretend to be aliens and then maybe pretend or not so pretend to kill some people.
GT: I have some guns.
(There was a pause and then Tibbs and Schropp ran off with each other).
How to Plan the Perfect Valentine’s Day for Your Husband, Boyfriend, or Lover
By Shirley Naphouse
Celebrate the love you feel for your husband, boyfriend, or lover this Valentine’s Day by going out of your way to make it just absolutely perfect. It doesn’t have to be expensive, complex, or at a water park; rather, a successful Valentine’s Day results from thoughtful planning and paying attention to the small details that you know matter to him.
BE THE ONE DOING THE WOOING
Traditionally, it’s the man who does the wooing on Valentine’s Day. Why not turn the tables this year? Make a change by taking charge and wooing him instead. Sneak up behind him and put your hand over his eyes so he can’t see anything. Shove a soft teddy bear in his face while cooing, “Guess who! Guess who!” Men just love that kind of thing. It’ll surprise him and he’ll enjoy it.
BUILD IT UP
Start talking about the big day early and often. Leave a bunch of notes about it and a picture of you two together on his car. Cover the car in roses a week beforehand. Make frequent phone calls to his work number and hang up. And do something different with yourself like wearing a pony tail or shoes that light up. And if he doesn’t notice, just assume he thinks you look beautiful like you always do!
OFFER TO TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING ON THE DAY
This means paying, driving, organizing, etc. You’re giving him a day off “from love”, with his only responsibility to enjoy! But don’t emasculate him by proverbially cock-blocking his efforts; if he prefers to drive, for example, he won’t find it romantic to be forced to sit on his hands in the passenger seat or in the bed of a pickup truck with that hay you picked up earlier that week. Be aware of his needs.
DRESS UP
Where appropriate, dress up as much as possible to make it a really super special occasion. Obviously, if you’re on a horse-riding date or at a Lingus Nets match, you’ll need to consider clothing changes but for the formal and dressy parts of the date, look your absolute best. Any dress less than, say, $400, will just not do. But remember, taking care to remind him of how stunning you are is only one part of the dressing up; it’s also about feeling your luscious bests and about showing you care enough to make the effort for a special occasion.
DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES HIM BLUSH
There are some things that only he should ever get to see and this can be used to your advantage when thinking up ways to surprise him. Some ideas include:
- Get a fake tattoo somewhere really private. Consult the internet if you’re not sure where that is. Make it something meaningful like his name (first or last) or a special secret the two of you share. If you’re feeling really wild, make it a real, permanent tattoo! Or suggest the two of you get one together! Consult the internet again if you’re not sure where his private areas are.
- Get a nude photo portfolio taken of you by a professional (and reputable) nude portfolio photographer. Classy nude photos of you in an album may be one of the best gifts he’s ever received!
- Proclaim your love for your husband in public. Hang a banner that says you love him in a place where lots of people get to read it (in a mall, off a highway ramp, covering the door of his office. Ring up a radio show and have them “play your song” along with your words of love. Leave an enormous loving card at his work that just begs to be read by the receptionist. Have a t-shirt printed with his face and words of love written on it and wear it all day. Get balloons printed with his face inside a love heart, have them filled with helium and walk around with them.
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
Men like sex. So sexual intercourse should definitely be part of the plan on Valentine’s Day. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but try to spice it up, to make it special. Let your hair down, so to speak. Either that, or just go straight for anal. But be adventurous, spontaneous, and make it fun for both of you. If you show him a wild night, it’s guaranteed that he’ll remember it for years to come.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
A crucial component of the Thurston Method is to attend a “Feelings Meeting”. These are held in my office on a monthly basis, generally on Saturday evenings. Men are encouraged to bring their own folding chairs and engage in “heart wisdom” and to also have a look at some of the new things I have for sale– kerosene lanterns (set of three), $19.99, pancake maker from TV, $14.99, bunch of other stuff.
After a short airing of grievances section, we begin the Feelings Meetings with a series of warm-up exercises that include “Slow Motion Dive”, “Needle Practice”, and “The Lunge”. You will be able to feel the stress leave your body at this point but because of the thick glass blocks designed to prevent the theft of electronics and collectibles in my office, the stress will unfortunately remain in the room and be with us for the rest of our session. I try to view this as a good thing because we may be able to occasionally visualize the collective stresses and merge them into one humongous stress, however you will need to see my Thurston Advanced Topics handout for more information on how to accomplish this high-level step in the Thurston Method.
Participants are then each asked individually: “how are you feeling right now?” As each man attempts to answer the question, I will quietly go around and offer certain items that may help to alleviate specific smaller stresses: expandable flexible compact garden hose, $21.99, novelty singing parakeet, $14.99, 12 pack of latex caulk, $17.99. This part of the session burns up most of our time together. However, right at the end, we will talk about “Power Journeys”. These are journeys of discovery, humiliation and hiding that take place once a year at some pyramids in Eastern Lankville. Our 2016 Power Journey will take place in March. I have a nice luggage set available right now that would be perfect for the Journey, $99.99, brown.
Snacks and beverages (limited) are generally available after the session.
Flying Saucers Today
By Graahaam Fosdick
On January 7th, at 10:16 a.m., Gene Chilley, a candy-maker in the Western Hills, was working in his candyhouse when he thought he would step outside for a breath of fresh air. Scarcely had he done so, then a strange shimmering glow in the sky made him look upwards. At a point just above the Great Western Hills Mall, a luminous disc as big as the moon but much brighter, was hanging motionless. Mr. Chilley, startled and incredulous, rubbed his eyes several times but the object remained there in the sky and continued to do so for several minutes. Then, suddenly, the object began a rocking movement, discharged a dazzling series of light spheres which illuminated several mall anchor stores, and then began moving at immense speeds directly towards Mr. Chilley.
“I ducked and covered my head,” Mr. Chilley noted later. “There was a tremendous blow and I flew several feet away into a shed.”
“What was in the shed?” we probed.
“Candy,” Mr. Chilley answered immediately.
“Go on,” we encouraged.
” Well, when I came to, my candyhouse had its roof skillfully and cleanly removed and all the candy I had just made was gone.”
Almost at the same moment, at 10:18 a.m., Larry Klacik, an employee of Randy Pendleton’s Double Book Hut, was preparing to urinate in a copse adjacent to the bookstore. “I had got to work a little early, so I was just hanging out in my car trying to drink one off. After awhile, I had to get rid of some of that beer and the copse was pretty inviting for that sort of thing. Anyway, I looked up and there was a shining disc vanishing towards the west horizontally at enormous speeds. There was an orange-colored light trailing behind it and the light expanded and knocked me to the ground. Oddly, when I awoke a few minutes later, I no longer felt the need to micturate although I was still thirsty for more of that beer.”
Flying saucer (file photo)
That same evening, a spokesman for the Western Hills Division of the Lankville Assocation of Space Achievers issued the following statement: “It is very probable that the phenomenon seen by many individuals in the Western Hills Area this morning was a meteorite.”
The explanation leaves us here at Flying Saucers Today unsatisfied. For even though we admit, for the sake of argument, that doubts may be cast on Mr. Chilley and Mr. Klacik’s stories (Mr. Chilley is frequently crazy and Mr Klacik frequently drunk) we cannot for ever disregard the many similar accounts which repeat many of the same cogent details. Take for instance “the rocking movement” described by Mr. Chilley. This movement has been similarly reported by millions of witnesses from all over Lankville. Can millions of people be wrong?
“I would argue, yes,” noted a government official who refused to be identified. “A few years back, everyone went on and on about those giant mystical lake serpents. It got to the point where we had all sorts of diving teams go in and, of course, no giant mystical lake serpents were found. It’s the same sort of craze.”
Again, we are left unsatisfied. This sort of official indifference does nothing to quell the flood of reports that come in almost daily. “I saw a balloon moving at extraordinary speed that then turned into two balloons,” says one. “I saw a disc that was motionless for a really long time,” says another. “I saw one that I’m pretty sure was equipped with all sorts of vintage electronics,” says a third.
We need to know. We need to know now. The fate of Lankville depends upon it.
First Volume of Keebaugh Memoirs to Be Released Tomorrow
By Otis Nixon
The first volume of Lankville Daily News correspondent Zach Keebaugh’s memoirs will be released tomorrow, sources are confirming.
My Tussle, a 1,284-page tome covering “Keebaugh’s early years” has gotten rave reviews.
Keebaugh, author of “My Tussle”.
“Keebaugh plays a sort of literary hopscotch with time, space and mood,” said literary critic Bernard Varrone, Jr. “I appreciate the way in which [Keebaugh] is not like other Lankville writers. There is nothing cute and bouncy about him. We’re just seeing too much of that cute and bouncy sort of thing these days. Either that, or terrorist attack novels.”
Keebaugh says that My Tussle will cover the period of his birth up until 6th grade.
“Yo, the book ends when I told this ginger chick Nicole Wilderson that I liked her and she shot me down like an old dog,” the writer noted. “Pivotal moment in my struggle.”
Keebaugh is already working on volume two.
“The plan is to drop a tetraology, yo. Couple of interconnected deuces storming the ol’ literary canyon if you know what I’m saying.”
My Tussle has already sold several thousand advance copies and will be available at most Lankville bookshops.
The Two Policemen
The constable sat at his desk staring languidly at the wall. His barrel chest, which made him look a tad top-heavy, seemed to breathe irregularly and his hands worked the button of a battered fountain pen. The light came through the blinds in grey half-formed shafts.
The sergeant entered and closed the door behind him. I don’t care for him, no, not at all the constable thought.
“Have a chair, Sergeant.”
The sergeant sat and produced an ordinary green file folder. He began looking through it slowly, as if he had never before seen printed pages. The constable eyed the three dirty chevrons on the patch on his sleeve. I don’t know anything about him, after all these years. Not the faintest idea of what his life is like when he leaves this building the constable thought. The light seemed to dim.
“I’m sorry, sir. I don’t particularly have an answer for you,” the sergeant said after a time.
The constable thought about this. For some reason, he stared at the telephone on his desk, as though the ancient machine might have some answers.
“Well, how did he get across, Sergeant?”
The sergeant paused for a moment and stared at the same gauzy light. He started to look at the folder again but stopped himself.
“Sir, I am prepared to blame it on an extraordinary confluence of events, each unlikelier than the one that preceded it.”
“What the hell kind of answer is that, Sergeant? Did he have any jack on him? Did you check to see if the jack was all jack and not just an ace on top backed with a bunch of damn hay?” Although he knew he had been forbidden the pleasure by his doctor, the constable produced a pipe anyway and filled it with tobacco. He lit it furiously.
“No, sir. Well, at least, we have not arrested him yet, sir.”
The constable puffed on the pipe nervously.
“Well, where is he?”
“Well, sir, let me tell you!” The sergeant seemed very pleased with himself and adjusted his thin frame in the stiff-back chair. “A recon team has been dispatched to the area around Cotton Cones– we got a reliable source up there that says that our man was seen at one of those towels-by-the-pound places. They have a million of those up there.”
“At one time, it was the capitol of such things, as they are,” the constable noted. His pipe had gone out and he was tamping the tobacco down with his huge thumb.
“Yes, sir. So, we also have Stakeout Team 7 in an abandoned store front opposite. I believe, in fact, that it was once the site of another towels-by-the-pound shop. A defunct one, you understand. There were a bunch of towels in there at least. Team 7 is on the second floor watching as we speak. Bunch of towels up there too.”
The constable thought about it for awhile.
“When are you bringing him in? Today?”
“Sir, we’re hoping that the individual will return to the towels-by-the-pound shop at some point over the next few days. My source indicates that he was hired to work there and that as soon as the paperwork clears…”
“Is that Trudy Balance’s place? Big woman– big clumps of hair? Her husband was murdered abroad– left her a big boat of gravy? Used it to buy that towels place? That the one?”
“I believe so, sir.”
There was a long silence.
“Fine. Let’s have an update first thing tomorrow morning Sergeant. You don’t know the headache this is causing me.”
“Yes sir.”
The sergeant left the room.
The constable got up and ambled over to the far wall where, encased in an antique gilt frame, hung a detailed map. The constable followed State Highway 10 west until he arrived at the town of Cotton Cones. His eyes rested there awhile.”
“Fifty, sixty miles from the wall,” he said to nobody.
Then he turned his attention away from the map of Craughing.
No News At All in Lankville Says President
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Nothing newsworthy has happened in Lankville, President Pondicherry noted at a press conference held early this morning before a nebulous ceremonial flame.
“2016 has been very quiet. Not a peep from anyone,” said the President. “Very few people seem to be around.”
“I have seen an inordinate number of large bugs,” the executive added, after staring longingly at the great flame.
Detective Gee-Temple said arrests are down.
The barrels were not deemed newsworthy.
“We’ve had 268 challenges in the new year and 54 murders. At this time last year, there were 412 challenges and something like 100 murders,” Gee-Temple averred. “There were some charts around here but I think they were carried away. Things get carried away upon occasion.”
“We did have an incident a few days ago where some giant barrels were found to be accumulated behind a low, flat structure,” the detective noted hopefully. When the story was not judged to be newsworthy, Gee-Temple removed some clothes from his desk drawer and began changing. The interview was ended prematurely.
“I expect that things will pick up,” said Lankville Daily News columnist Brock Belvedere, Jr., who often covers news. “It’s just a matter of time.”
A Christmas Story by Brian Schropp
By Brian Schropp
I was lost in a mist of nacho cheese floating down a pizza sauce river to nowhere. Was I back on the raft? The hideous laughter of the Floating Pizza Baby Slice boomed around me. I curled further into my defensive ball position putting my hands over my ears. Was I having a nightmare or was this reality? I had a hard time telling the difference of late.
“Did you really think you could defeat me?” it said in its own horrific baby ga- ga voice. “I will always be here to bring about your downfall!! Take a peek through the mist Bri, you will see what I mean!”
Do I really succumb to his madness? Even if you had the will of a thousand Scott’s, sometimes in a nightmare you have no choice. Opening my eye just a fraction I saw them. Just visible through the cheese on either side of the river were row upon row of giant dancing pizza purses, moving in unison like in some twisted animation movie. The pizza purses have been the bane of my existence and anyone who works at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’s’ existence for some time now. Seeing how we were late to jump on the ball, business has been in a downward spiral especially with us only being open now on Fridays 4-9 PM, Saturdays 11-6 PM, and Sundays 2-2:30 PM. We are on the verge of bankruptcy!!
Real or imagined, the baby pizza slice still haunts me.
This, of course, has sent me into a personal spiral of self-doubt and depression since Scott had put the pressure on me to find a solution to the pizza purse matter. I had rarely failed him or the company before but since our epic struggle last month with the Floating Baby Pizza Slice I haven’t been the same man. The nightmares are getting more frequent and more intense. Things have gotten so bad that my parents have hired Dr. Nickelbee (my whacked-out therapist and failed presidential candidate under the Green Sanity Party) as my ‘live-in roommate’ in my basement apartment. Needless to say this action isn’t helping matters and that mess is whole other article.
I tried to tighten myself further into my defensive ball, trying to stop the laughter, trying to stop the visions of the dancing pizza purses, trying to stop the hurt and pain!! It was all too much– even if this was a nightmare, this twisted pizza river was carrying me to end of the line. All hope was lost. Or was it?
I felt it before anything, a little light inside telling me they were near. Then the music (always so sweet) peaking again. I was the hurricane, small at first, then becoming bigger, whirling through the nacho cheese mist. From out of this wondrous spinning ray of hope came the bumpkins. They were not in their trailer but instead on what appeared to be some badly constructed cardboard contraption which vaguely looked like a sleigh. Either small dogs or large rats were pulling them along. Some of then wore jingly bell collars.
The Floating Baby Pizza Slice ga-gaed in anger and raced up to the approaching group. It was like a cosmic game of chicken with neither side backing down from the challenge. And then, both sides collided at full force. I had seen this happen one time before and yet again there was the blinding flash which obscured my vision for a moment. When I was able to get my wits about me I was still on the raft but it had stopped floating. The purses and nacho mist were gone as well. Somehow the cardboard was now in front of me just a few feet away. It was so close I could see even see the white glittering teeth of those rat/dog things. A bumpkin got off the back of the ‘sleigh’ moving towards my huddled, quivering body. To my delight and amazement this bumpkin was the same ‘elf bumpkin’ I saw from a year ago (please see my exciting Xmas story of the previous years for details). And yes readers you need not worry, he was still dressed the same. Now by my side, he knelt down and in his light sweet voice whispered something in my ear. It was so faint I could hardly hear it—-
Every man, woman and child seems to have a pizza purse these days.
That’s when I woke up, almost hitting my head on the top part of my new bunk bed. In my sweat-drenched panic, I replayed this new dream in my mind. All the horror, seeming like it was the end, then the bumpkins—-what had the elf one said? At first I felt like it was totally lost, then again lightly and sweetly he whispered through my mind. It was the solution to this whole pizza purse problem. An idea so simple it was staring me in the face the whole damn time!!
I quickly got out of bed; I had to find Scott and fast. I knew this wasn’t going to be any easy feat, he was taking our woes very hard as well. Dr. Nickelbee heard me getting ready and hopped down from the top bunk. He wanted to have a ‘jammy time session’ to talk about my dream but I had to push him aside, there was no time for that foolishness. At the break of dawn I was on my scooter looking for Scott.
I found him in a back back alley in Downtown Lankville. After tossing the trash bags aside and the few loose women off him, I sat him up on a wooden crate to try and sober him up. I tried to relay my dream to him but he didn’t want to hear about it. “Can’t you see I’m living a nightmare of my own, Bri!!” he said through his whiskey breath with a crazy look in his eyes.
Pizza Pouches!!! Hoping this will be the ‘next big thing’.
“But it’s okay Scott, the answer has finally come. We don’t need to make edible pizza purses, we just need to make portable pizza pouches!! Dudes-and most butch women-don’t want to carry purses anyways. And if we make clear that people can show off the best looking slice they got! Well…”
I saw a gleam in his eye.
Getting him sober enough (which is about the best you can do anyways), we were at the Lankville Patent Office first thing when they opened. Well that was a few days ago and let me tell you things are already turning for the good. The first few test pouches are looking great and there is a new hot buzz going around about them!! This weekend will be the first big marker but we have high hopes. We are even going to set up a stall by the downtown Lankville cinema to hop on the hottest movie premiere of the year- ‘Star Battles In the Stars: Episode 27’. Even Big James is coming up with plans for a ‘nacho cheese pouch’ which will probably be him just taking the already existing pouch and just filling it with nacho cheese.
Well anyways, that is my slightly early Xmas time miracle this year. I hope you and yours find some of the same bumpkin magic this season!! As always, please keep your minds and mouths open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
News in Brief
By Brock Belvedere
KEEBAUGH HONORED
Zach Keebaugh got a medallion.
Lankville Daily News columnist Zach Keebaugh received a shimmering medallion last night for his work in the field of investigative reporting. Keebaugh was one of three recipients.
“Yo, it’s good to get out, socialize, get this god damn medallion,” the journalist noted. “I spend an awful lot of time in that overheated hell of an apartment over the knives and puzzles shop, just doing nothing, man. Just sitting around with one of those little plastic games, man. You know, where you got to guide the marble through the maze. God, what a shit show. Who knows, might meet some ladies here, take one of them home, you never can tell, man.”
Keebaugh did not take any ladies home, sources later confirmed.
SAMWAYS AND FICK ISSUES HOLIDAY CARD
A glimpse at the message inside the Samways and Fick Annual Holiday Card.
Samways and Fick, Lankville’s most prestigious consulting firm, issued its annual holiday card today after much anticipation.
“I wrote the interior message myself,” Samways, who was wearing a giant foam jacket, noted. “I think it’s really beautiful and conveys to our clients how much we love them, how much we grow with them and they with us.”
The foam jacket suddenly began to expand and Samways ended the interview prematurely.
Only 300 holiday cards were issued.
“Your business should consider itself very, very lucky to get a Samways and Fick card,” said Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. “It means that you are at the pinnacle of commerce in Lankville. We, of course, get one every year.”
Samways and Fick has been helping you reach the area near the top of your mountain since last year.
SMALL MOTEL GIRL WRESTLING ROUNDUP
A series of exciting small motel girl wrestling matches were held last night at the El Patio Motel (Room 14) in Capitol City.
Tandy McLemore (14-3) defeated newcomer Peachy Lynn the Bomber (0-1) in the headliner.
“Peachy Lynn tried cornering Tandy between the two double beds,” noted commentator Dick Oakes, Jr. “That’s a real rookie mistake and she paid for it. The area between the double beds is an absolute no-man’s land in small motel girl wrestling.”
McLemore is set to take on The Fabulous Lass (13-2) in January.
Royer to Purchase Dinner Theatre
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Noted Lankville business magnate Ric Royer will officially add a dinner theatre to his holdings, sources are confirming.
“We can confirm that Mr. Royer is purchasing the Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre,” a spokesman, who refused to be identified, stated. “I don’t have any concrete figures at this time.”
The Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre
Royer, who spends every holiday season in seclusion at the Foontz-Flonnaise Mental Institution, was not interviewed.
“This is Mr. Royer’s peak time with his illuminated porcelain Christmas village layout. We won’t see him until January,” the spokesman noted.
The Walter W. Pipette Memorial Dinner Theatre has provided entertainment and dinner to Southeastern Lankville residents for over 60 years. It was founded by Pipette, a thespian and theatre advocate, who was smothered in 1959. The theatre was later named in his honor.
“All the great Lankville playwrights debuted there,” said longtime actor Manny Outfits, now retired. “And they really did have good dinner. And then eventually they installed TVs, puzzles, games right at the tables. So, the theatre was really secondary. Or not even secondary. It was just background noise. Hell, sometimes they were even late with raising the curtain. But that’s okay because it rubbed off on a few people.”
Outfits was suddenly involved in a challenge and the interview ended prematurely.
No programming changes have been announced.
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp returns this week after a harrowing series of adventures.
“For Christ’s sake Brian! You gotta have something up your sleeve, it’s now or never!!” I could tell Scott was reaching his boiling point. What was I do to? Did he really think I could just summon my brilliant ideas on a whim? I sat in the slightly broken office chair like many times before, swiveling back and forth with all my might trying to shake the ideas out.
Even with being on the verge of Scott’s mighty wrath it was good to have him back managing ‘The Round’. I should be telling you the awesome story of Scott finally defeating Lizzie Starlight and The Floating Baby Pizza Cult. It’s an epic tale indeed, sweeping up not only Scott’s sister but also yours truly in the hunt for this ultimate evil (hence why you haven’t seen any articles for a few weeks). This tale took us all over the map- the back roads of Western Lankville, the deepest darkest parts of Highway 71, on a makeshift raft to the mysterious Lankville Islands, and finally to a place that wasn’t even our own, another plane of existence so to speak. It was here, in this frightening world, that the fight with the hideous Floating Pizza Baby came to it’s climatic conclusion. All three of us were pushed to our physical and mental limit during this trial with each losing a bit of our sanity yet learning a little more about life. Yes, it’s a tale worth telling but alas since we have been back a greater, more pressing issue has arisen. Something so great it has taken the pizza industry and flipped it upside down. The issue is, of course, the newest craze. Pizza purses.
It’s great to have Scott back!
Since being gone this new found fad has swept all of Lankville like none before it. Everyone who is anyone (men included!!) wouldn’t be caught dead without toting one of these cheesy creations around. Not that I need to explain this but in case you are living in some remote area, where maybe the lunch meat wallet is still ‘the in thing’, let me explain- the pizza purse is an edible handbag (coming in all shapes and sizes) which you carry around during the day much like a normal purse. The difference is, of course, once you are through with your day, you empty it and then have a delicious dinner all ready for you. There hasn’t been any time for me to do any research about who started this trend since I have been busy trying to get ‘The Pizza A-Round’ on board with this. Believe you me, if you are a seller of pizza in Lankville (and there are hundreds just in the Northern Suburbs alone) nobody is calling for the standard fair. Even our personal ‘cutting edge ideas’ like ‘The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza’ and ‘The Pizza Eggwich’ are rarely spoken of. ‘The Round’, through lack of leadership, has really dropped the ball and now looks somewhat behind the times. The only person who even attempted to keep up, ‘Big’ James, went out and bought cheap dollar store handbags and filled them with nacho cheese. Hardly a suitable alternative. ‘The Nacho Cheese Sack’ just didn’t take off and made us look even more foolish.
Delightful pizza purses!!!
So here I was with Scott trying to pick up the pieces. He took my sauce-stained piece of scrap paper (I had been jotting down ideas in a desperate hope of finding something in these scribbles and doodles). After ripping it in half I braced myself for what would be my very first ‘Scott punch’. Instead he just sat down in his nice office chair and sighed deeply.
“I know we’ve been through a lot recently. Neither of us are at 100%, especially you Bri, after those cult members kidnapped you and did all that brainwashing stuff. I remember holding you like a baby on that makeshift raft as we made our escape to the Lankville Islands. The nightmares and mental anguish you endured– well, they…are…are still enduring!! I know it’s hard but I need you to dig deep and come up with something. Maybe we are thinking too much out of the box, let’s just start with a simple pizza purse design and take it from there. Yeah, it might turn into an all night session but what choice do we got?”
My failed attempt at making ‘The Round’s’ first pizza purse
Scott was right, I was nowhere near the same tender if somewhat ‘kooky’ guy I was a few weeks ago. If I hear a baby giggle while walking down the street my mind instantly fills with dread followed by horrific visions of the Floating Baby Pizza Slice. I knew it was gut check time, I had to put all of that behind and get down to what I do best– crafting the most innovative, cutting edge, culinary ideas this place has ever seen.
‘The Round’ was closed for the night so we had no one to interrupt us. I threw myself completely into the zone, only hearing Scott’s voice as a whisper encouraging me on. I was taking his advice and keeping it simple. Just starting out with a simple pizza purse idea, nothing more. Like any good jazz improviser would tell you, get the basics down and work magic from there. Not putting too much thought into it, I was letting my creative mind guide my hands to make it happen. I was feeling good, like many of our other ‘late night sessions’ before I sensed a possible breakthrough. Sadly, after taking my result from the pizza oven the cold winds of reality hit me right smack in the face. Maybe I wasn’t the man I was before. Scott laid his head down on the counter and started to sob.
I will keep you informed readers of what we will do to try and compete in this new high stakes pizza purse industry. Until next time, please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy Eating- Bri
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK