Archive
The Final Days of Shane Meyer: AN EXCLUSIVE
Detective Gee-Temple, lead investigator on the Meyer case, located the diary.
The Lankville Table-Sized Intelligencer of Things That Happen in Reality is pleased to present an exclusive glimpse at the diary of Lankville fried plantain magnate Shane Meyer– found intact amongst the rubble of his charred gas station tire house, which went up in flames in late August. Although Meyer’s body was never found, he is believed to have perished in the conflagration. WARNING: These passages may be offensive to certain readers.
8/11– Purchased some engine lead additive in a quart bottle and drank it inside the tire house. Threw up and then passed out.
8/12– Paid a hooker to blow me (inside the tire house). She had no teeth and it was not pleasurable. Later, read half of Theodore Deeker’s lesser early novel Buds of Cups, drank some antifreeze and orange juice and threw up and passed out. Woke up around 2AM and cleaned up the floor of the tire house.
8/13– Finished off the Deeker. Enjoyed it. Later, pitched it down a sewer. Purchased a copy of Jorkens’ 1872 arabesque Peeps, PEEPS! Found it tawdry and excessive. Part of the tire house fell over later in the afternoon when a drunk slammed his car into it. I challenged him to a fight with knives in the woods and won. Later, I fixed up some beer and paint thinner. Passed out.
Meyer family, 1982. Shane is pictured second from right.
8/14– Pushed the Jorkens into a church mailbox. Stood outside to listen to the bells summon the morning, then urinated where I stood. Purchased a new pair of cut-offs and a copy of Danius Zubrus’ new novel Trying on Sunglasses with Girls. It’s terrible– it’s no wonder that teenagers are such assholes. I threw it into a busy intersection. I went to bed with some furniture polish and box wine.
8/15– Did not wake up today.
8/16– Stalked around the main drag, looking for a novel and some cooz. The latter was unexciting. Later, found a copy of Beeb’s 1917 war classic The Men of the Hole. Finished it off in the tire house while drinking from an old bleach container I found in the garbage. Mixed up the rest of the paint thinner and a can of malt liquor. Passed out.
8/17– Someone took the bleach container and the Beeb novel and kicked over part of the western tire wall. Repaired it, wandered over and talked to the Hindu gas station clerk. He gave me a 6-pack of small donuts. I ate the donuts, then felt aggressive for some reason. “I ain’t no charity case, bindass,” I said. I threw the wrapper at him but, it being quite light, it drifted in the air and settled on the counter. I overturned the gum display and walked out. Found a copy of Kood’s 1982 thriller The Dragon and the Mall Entrance. Found it overrated. Went to bed with some alkalies and cognac. Passed out.
8/18– Did not wake up for two straight days.
8/20– Started a small, contained fire in the tire house to keep the fruit flies out. Got too hot around noon. Apologized to the Hindu, who accepted. Still, I find myself wanting to kick his face in. Finished the Kood and took it up to a roof where I pitched it into an alley. Someone came out of the shadows immediately and ran off with it. Later, stole a copy of The Pizza Encyclopedia (3 volumes) from Mario’s. It’s very dated but read through half of the first volume. Mixed up some beer, porch stain, and concrete sealer, threw up and passed out.
During the evening or early morning of 8/20, 8/21, the tire house exploded and caught on fire. Meyer has not been seen or heard from since. His club, the Sharks disbanded shortly thereafter.
Maps Now Available at Gas Stations
File Photo
By Bernie Keebler
The Lankville Action News: YES! Team
Senior Staff Writer
Maps are now available at gas stations sources are reporting.
“Yes, we’re giving out maps at the gas station,” stated Cuno Baerga, who owns the “Flying D” station in downtown Lankville. “There is a little green tin that we’ve nailed into a post and you can find them there. It’s true.”
According to Baerga, the maps depict roadways and places of interest in downtown Lankville. “All the malls are there, the little streets. They are very nice maps.”
Baerga was pressed to talk further about the maps but had little to say.
“They are just maps with some…” We interrupted Baerga and accused him of dishonesty and subterfuge. He was later arrested by Lankville police.
“We’ll definitely be putting him into a small hot room tonight,” noted Detective Gee-Temple who was the first to respond to the scene. “This is important information and Mr. Bakers [sic] failed to adequately apprise the public of the situation. He’ll probably get 20 years.”
Shortly before press time, Baerga was sentenced to 25 years.
“We are glad that justice has been dispensed. The maps will still be handed out. No question about that,” noted Gee-Temple.
The maps that are being handed out depict downtown Lankville and environs.
Inflamed by Stars and Blood Film Review: The Bags of Earth
An Inflamed by Stars and Blood and Lankville Daily News Exclusive
By Caramel Jameson
Special ISB Correspondent
Astro Chase Studios have announced the 2014 release of Howard Cartridge’s new film The Bags of Earth. Cartridge is no stranger to science fiction and horror fans having made a series of genre-bending films in the 1970’s and 1980’s. “No question, Asteroid Avoiders II: Going Back was probably my biggest hit,” noted the man himself. “We sold a lot of asteroid avoider toys, comics, bedsheets and paper towels. But with Bags, I’m looking for something a little more profound and meaningful.” Indeed, Cartridges was gracious enough to give us a short interview while wrapping up shooting of Bags.
One of the more frightening scenes from Cartridge’s new film “The Bags of Earth”.
CJ: Tell us about Bags.
HC: It’s an environmental disaster film. It’s SCARY.
CJ: How so?
HC: It’s really…really SCARY.
CJ: What is the film about? What was shooting this film like?
HC: Really…really…really…SCARY!
CJ: What are the bags?
HC: They are SCARY!
CJ: What do they do? Do they attack people? Do they take over the political and social structure of the world?
HC: No. They are just SCARY! SCARY! Look at them! Look at them!
CJ: Thanks.
| Year | Film |
| 1975 | Starblasters |
| 1978 | Asteroid Avoiders |
| 1983 | Asteroid Avoiders II: Going Back |
| 1989 | Lingus Nets: Alive! |
| 1990 | 400 Days After the Space Invasion |
| 1997 | Delivery Boys |
A Brief Cartridges Filmography
Real Life Cases of the Lankville Police Department: The Meyer Case
The Lankville Cabbager is pleased to present this exclusive glimpse into the Shane Meyer case by the man who investigated it– Detective Gee Temple.
File Photo
By Detective Gee-Temple
They said there was a fire at the Theetz gas station so I joined the chief and marshal at the edge of the curb and we watched the conflagration while drinking from a mysterious thermos that periodically changed its color. The station itself was actually safe– indeed, it was a strange tire house towards the back of the lot that was engulfed in flames.
The only known photo of Meyer’s gas station tire house before the fire.
“What is that tire house?” I asked. I thought that perhaps it was a promotion to sell more tires.
“That’s where Shane Meyer was living,” said the marshal. He suddenly took in an enormous gulp of air.
I could not believe it. Here was a man worth $750 million (Lankville) and the famed owner of the Meyer Fried Plantain Concern and a professional hockey club. I could not understand it.
“Why does he live in a house of tires in back of a gas station?” I asked.
No one could answer me. Finally, the fire chief offered, “he has head goblins.”
The marshal nodded, took in another enormous gulp of air and said, “yep.”
Head goblins. For a second time in as many minutes, I was simply floored.
The fire died down. I could see now that a roof of mean plywood had been attached to the top of the structure and that balloons had been tied there as decoration. They had, of course, popped during the blaze. It was difficult to see inside but to me, the interior seemed empty. I had hope that Meyer had somehow escaped.
Later that morning, I interviewed the Island clerk. He admitted that some sort of monetary arrangement had been made for Meyer to live in the back lot but that it had periodically changed. He also showed me a small closet by the restrooms and there we found an enormous cache of chemicals of all sorts. After some consideration, we dismissed Meyer as a terror-being.
There was disagreement later on a body. The chief felt that he had found Meyer’s crispy remains in one part of the tire house but the marshal demurred. “It’s up to you to break the tie,” they said. “I leaned over and entered the strange edifice. The chief showed me a crude bed that had been made (out of tires) and a little shelf that had contained toiletries. The chief pointed to what seemed to be remains. “That’s him, right?” he asked. “See, isn’t that legs?” I could not tell. But I voted with the chief.
Now, after much thought in my study, I cannot say for certain.
Further notes will continue in later issues.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Pledger of Allegiances
File Photo
By Ric Royer
Today, at the mental facility, a man approached me outside of the dining hall. He was small in stature with short-cropped hair that somehow befit his size and a generally staid, serious appearance– indeed, upon his initial approach, I was expecting a senseless row. Instead, after several uncomfortable moments of high scrutiny, the man suddenly dropped to his knees and said, “I pledge all allegiances to you, lord.” Concurrently, the tinny loudspeaker announced the general placement of cake and thus, frankly, I paid no attention to his proclamation.
Paddle ball games are a very popular leisure activity at Lankville insane asylums.
Later, however, in the amusement room, the man repeated the covenant. As he knelt at my feet, I placed the flat surface of a paddle-ball game upon his crown for symbolic purposes and announced, “Do all see what Kevin has done?” The mass of lunatics stared fatuously and the ward later informed me that the man’s name was not Kevin at all but the scene was stirring nevertheless.
As a pledger of allegiances, thus, Kevin (for that is how I knew him) made it his purpose to prepare a flawless bedsheet and wool blanket for me each evening and to run a moistened towel over my toiletries and a squeegee across my vanity mirror. The tasks completed, Kevin would turn towards me and pronounce his only words of the day– “Lord, your forgery glass is cleansed”. (Kevin knew a mirror as a “forgery glass”). Oftentimes, I would find some tiny flaw in Kevin’s otherwise impeccable work and berate him over it for this was the crux of the pledger-lord relationship. Upon occasion, there were sexually-charged beatings in which I chased Kevin about the tiny cell– initially just grab-assing but then ultimately crushing him across the cheeks so that his head caromed to and fro in a most comical manner. He seemed to enjoy this tremendously and often squealed like a child.
It was not long, however, before Warden Jenness noticed our bond. He called me into his office– crowded with dead plants and mysterious species of cacti and delivered a forceful speech in a most efficacious manner. There being no response possible, I bowed slightly and left the room. For the first time, my short trip back to the cell was under the supervision of guards (one, a huge Negro whose strength was undoubtedly uncontested in these environs).
After that, I saw Kevin infrequently and he no longer met my lordly gaze. He seemed smaller now, more hunched. I could hear him talking to other lunatics at table. He spoke of getting a car and driving through the mountains, perhaps settling on boats. He was agitated, discontented– it was clear. There was money coming, he said, there was family assistance.
A storm hit. Two feet of snow were dumped about the grounds, cutting off all contact with the outside world. Although power remained on in the home, we could receive no reception of any sort– we had no idea what was happening. It was during this maelstrom that Kevin disappeared. He simply wandered off, barely clothed, into the sea of white.
I have had no pledgers since.
A History of Lankville
By Rufus Potts
Historian
File photo
EARLY DAYS
The first peoples of Lankville were primitive cavemen who fashioned mean stone tools to fend off dragons. When this was accomplished, they thought they had it easy but BOY! were they wrong. Because then the dinosaurs came. Archaeological evidence has proven that early man was down to just 62 people after the dinosaurs appeared. Thankfully, they knew about intercourse. And then the Ice Age came along.
Early map of “Lankville Town”. Cartographer unknown.
Most historians will not speculate as to how man survived the Ice Age. But my research has indicated that they built towers. Some of these towers can still be seen deep in the woods but you have to know where you’re going. I give tours occasionally. I have tremendous stamina.
“Lankville Town” appeared in the medieval ages. This was during the beginning of the Pirrapodian Dynasty. This was also about the time that they put wheels on carts and
The history suddenly ended.
Inner Hammer Spotted Sawing Tennis Balls in Half
By Deacon Casper
Lankville Action News YES! Team
Teets Island Chain Correspondent
File photo
Small pizza mogul “Inner Hammer” was spotted today on the beach outside his hotel room sawing tennis balls in half.
In this Lankville Daily News recreation, a tennis ball is sawn in half.
“He was using a circular saw, sawing all these tennis balls in half and then pitching them into the ocean,” said beachgoer La’Quinta Hoes. “He stood there for over an hour doing this. It seemed to serve no purpose whatsoever. And when he was done, he reared back and lobbed the circular saw into the ocean too.”
Hoes was later either eaten by a whale or shot.
Inner Hammer confessed to the act while interviewed at lunch.
“Sure, I did it. It needed to be done and I did it. Really no big deal fellows,” commented the executive while sitting down to a meal of honey-baked hams, yard sausages, and rare acorns. “Don’t you guys have any real news to report, maybe one of those made-up Royer Experiences or some horseshit from space?”
Inner Hammer kicked a chair over to show his displeasure.
Transform Your Interiors with Plants
By D.N. Yathers
Special Plant Expert
File Photo
It’s a brand New Year. Let’s transform your interiors with some plants! First, consult the chart.
CONSULT CHART
| PLANTS | PLANTS | PLANTS | PLANTS |
| Sprig Spruce | Basket Thrush | Spiders | Fig Branch |
| Yellow | Johnson Weed | Undiscovered Ferns | Simple Flowers |
| Sky Cactus | Ground Covers | House Trees | (Leave Blank) |
Look at how some flowers transform this bedroom.
Have you figured it out? GREAT! The first step is to set up the semi-garden within your home, cupboard or trailer. Be sure to pick out plants that you actually want rather than plants that you really don’t want. The Sprig Spruce, Undiscovered Fern and Ground Cover are most popular among first timers. Not only are they some of the easiest plants to maintain (a man-child can generally take care of them) but they can also be left or “forgotten” for long periods of time. They naturally filter rooms and add beauty to the decor! Even though I’m completely alone, I’m laughing right now because it’s so amazing! Shelley liked that about plants. Anyway, you can research online or just visit your local Home Dump store to figure out which one is good for you.
Now you’ll need to buy some pots. You want the plant to be showy and presentable as well as having enough room to breathe and grow. You’ll also want to pick out a protective cone that can work along the shaft. Now the pot selection will depend entirely on you and your taste. If you prefer a more refined look then go with a terra cota or some glazed pot from a factory. Shelley would have liked that. If you are an extremely meretricious sort of person, go ahead and buy plastic. Shelley didn’t like plastic though; said it had a chemical odor. So beware of that.
Once the potting process is complete, all that’s left is to put your plants in a place that will give them the best combination of sunlight, moderate temperatures and eye appeal . You will probably like to use places like the dining room, living room, or even the kitchen to display your new plants. If you’re in a situation like me, where you’re waiting for Shelley to clear some of her boxes out but, at the same time, making it extremely difficult for her to gain access to the apartment and avoiding her phone calls, then just try making room for your plants as best you can. Keep the soil moist but not drowned and begin spraying the plants on a consistent basis. This can be a calming process– I’ve spent many hours lately just slowly spraying my new plants while going through a complex range of emotions. It’s OK–it helps you connect with the plant and the plant to you.
You don’t have to a have a brown [sic] thumb in order to keep plants. So go for it– create your own plant paradise and brighten up your interiors! It’s AMAZING. Shelley really liked it. Hopefully it will make things tranquil again for me and make my interiors seem like something other than just “four walls”. What creative ways do you transform your interiors with plants? Leave a comment and I’ll publish them in my next article!
Royer Calls Inner Hammer Mummy Story “Shifty Excreta”
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
The Lankville Action News YES! Team
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
In a reversal of customary roles, Lankville business magnate Ric Royer is going on record in stating that small pizza billionaire “Inner Hammer’s” recent mummy account is “shifty excreta”. Mr. Hammer’s story appeared in The Lankville Daily News last Tuesday.
“It’s dung chips. It’s a story that has less value than a basket of dung chips,” stated Royer, who was interviewed in his new home, a shuttered retail space at Twin Removed Pines Mall in downtown Lankville. “It’s a sham that has been coated in a hardened, outer shell of feculence.”
Royer suddenly produced an ice cream cone that had a hardened shell of chocolate. “I got this at the foot court,” he noted. “It’s right down there,” he added, pointing vaguely outside the curtained glass doors.
Food court at Twin Removed Pines Mall.
A shadowy figure suddenly appeared from behind the curtain and Royer demanded quiet and that the lights be dimmed. “It’s that Kites guy [manager of the mall]. He doesn’t want me living in the mall. I’m avoiding him.”
Once Kites disappeared, Royer continued.
“My Experiences are based on a lifetime of travel, interesting moments, sexual intimacy, and food. But Inner Hammer is just a liar. If there are mummies then I would be seeing them at the mall. And I haven’t.”
Royer paused.
He then asked, “You haven’t seen any mummies at the mall, have you?”
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
File Photo
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Special Correspondent
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Recently, I purchased some foam hearts wholesale to sell to certain clients. “You can put this in your office to remind you of love,” I noted. “Only $9.99 each, $12.99 for the red ones.”
Responses varied but I found that the red hearts were the most popular. At $3.99 wholesale price, that’s a nice $9 profit.
“Look at the heart throughout your day,” I advised. “It will remind you of love.”
Foam hearts come in a variety of colors.
“Yeah, you already said that,” said one client. “You said that when I bought the fucking thing.”
“I sense hostility,” I countered.
“Well, you said that the heart played little songs. It doesn’t play any songs. There is no apparatus inside that would allow it to play songs. It’s just more foam inside.”
I put my hands together in a pacific manner, reminiscent of a shaman at prayer. “That’s alright. Remember, love can be dangerous too, full of disguises.”
The client thought about this and eventually calmed down.
Later, I sold him a bag of charcoal.
Return to Hoover Island by Dick Oakes, Jr.
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
File photo
Veteran reporter Dick Oakes, Jr. has returned to Hoover Island to find out more about mysterious business magnate and monarch Aaron Tucker.
For reasons unclear, Tucker has asked me to meet him outside a fenced-in work yard. A comfortable sofa has been placed there; indeed, it appears to have been placed very recently, perhaps in the last few minutes before my arrival. I wait for nearly two hours, listening to the sound of men moving barrels and crates. Occasionally, I look back to see the tip of a large conical object being thrust above the fencing, only to disappear just as quickly. It grows overcast.
Although Tucker does not permit photographs, he did provide this stock image of a (non-nude) King.
Finally, a car pulls up and Tucker motions me into the backseat. It is a strange vehicle like nothing I have ever seen in Lankville and I make a comment.
“Oh yes, all of our cars are made and remain exclusively on Hoover Island,” says Tucker, who is wearing a regal purple chemise, pants roomy in the ass and crotch and a helmet. “They are finely-crafted. Many cross-references are made. It is an extensive process.”
I can’t make any of it out but I know that we are headed to lunch and that Tucker is footing the bill. That’s pretty much all I care about.
We pull up in front of a large hotel. There are fountains with nude statuary. When we reach the lounge, we find several nude patrons. A couple of the waitresses are nude but we don’t get so lucky– ours is fully-clothed.
The nudists of Hoover Island.
“I know that in Lankville, it is unlikely that you would want to be waited upon by a nude,” says Tucker, as he examines the lavishly-illustrated menu. “I can understand that it might be difficult to make food decisions whilst a pair of bosoms lurk just inches from your face. For us, it is highly ordinary. Why, I have had a waiter’s sack so close to my soup that you wonder how it remains, shall we say, out of the soup. But, these men and women are experts.”
“OK with me if you want a nude waiter,” I comment hopefully.
“IT IS DONE,” Tucker thunders in response. Several people turn around in their seats. When they recognize the orator they suddenly stand, bow and applaud. Tucker waves graciously.
“You know,” he begins, piercing a loaf of bread with gusto, “I cannot comprehend the labor problems in your country. Frankly, had I known of such strife, I would not have gone through the effort of purchasing a sports franchise there. The people of Hoover Island want hockey but not at this cost. We find your problems foolish. You are all foolish, sad men, frankly.”
I attempt to explain some of the intricacies of the lockout.
“We do not deal in such irrationalities here. Wearing clothes, for example, is irrational. No one in this room, besides you I presume, is at all offended by that gentleman over there in the booth, his coinpurse resting gently on the red poly-vinyl. Or the good lady in the booth opposite, who, if you look quickly, has one titty resting on the table and one not.” Tucker laughs in a lordly way. “Oh, that has put me in a good humor.”
The food arrives. I had ordered the flounder but instead am brought an enormous lasagna. I feel that I cannot complain– Tucker is watching me carefully. I dig in.
“I will withdraw my franchise before too long,” Tucker announces after a short silence. “The situation grows more intolerable by the day. I don’t think much of your “Inner Hammer” or your Pondicherry.” They are trite men.”
The rest of the meal is eaten in silence, per Tucker’s request.
Part One in a Series
An Interview with Scott Kites
Larry “God” Peters recently had an opportunity to sit down with Mall Manager Mr. Scott Kites, best-known as landlord to Lankville business magnate Ric Royer.
LP: You’ve been in the news a lot recently.
SK: Yes, the circumstances are troubling. Whenever I speak, it’s usually to tout our mall. This is new to me.
LP: Will you be evicting Mr. Royer?
Scott Kites of the Mall
SK: He needs to open his store, sell something or provide some sort of service. We can’t have an empty retail space, even if it is being paid for. Plus, he put up some curtains that have frightening pumpkins all over them. It confuses people. People think it’s a Halloween-related store. Then, they get up close to the curtains and they see that the pumpkins are actually killing people. Scenes of real carnage are depicted on the curtains. I have no idea where he found these things– they’re pretty awful.
LP: Royer has a history of winning battles with authority figures in a demonstrative manner. Do you really think you can take him on?
SK: Of course. It’s a simple procedure to evict a tenant. Everything is handled properly.
LP: You’re just a Mall Manager. You seem to have faith that proper methods will work on Mr. Royer. You don’t seem to understand what is known as “The Darkness”.
SK(confused): Well…as I said…
LP: What you said means nothing. You’re just a Mall Manager. You’re simple.
SK: Look, I have to attend the opening of…
LP: Your grave?
Kites walked away.
Small Business Parade by Shelley Reports
By Shelley Reports Lankville Action News YES! Financial Team
Financial Expert
File Photo
Shelley did such a lusty, sensual job reporting on stocks that the Lankville Daily News is pleased to present her “Small Business Parade” feature. We are bursting with anticipation.
Business: Nuts, Ah!
Location: Twin Removed Pines Mall
Launched in 2007, Nuts, Ah! offers nuts and other gifts out of a kiosk at the popular downtown mall. “People have been really receptive to our nuts,” noted owner Lorr-raine Murphy. “And we’ve drawn an exceptional staff of young female nut handlers who believe in our vast concepts and bring their own ideas and experiences to the table. The vending of nuts is by no means a completed process. It’s growing and changing with the times.”
Business: Compelling Basements, Inc.
Location: A van
Started in 2002 by two brothers in the Northern Hole Area, Compelling Basements, Inc. has now grown to a staff of eight. “We still operate out of a van,” noted CEO Larry Y. Temple. “Basically, to create the hierarchal system necessary to run a business that finishes basements, we work on a patch system. It’s kind of like the armies, I guess. You get patches according to your rank.”
Temple displayed his work uniform which featured 379 patches.
“We do basement rehabilitation,” added Managing Director Gene C. Temple. “We can make a corner seamless and accent it with flourescent lighting. People have generally been happy with our work and we will never revisit your home when you are not present even though we know your schedule and access doors. But that will never happen with Compelling Basements, Inc.”
Stay tuned for further features on small Lankville business in coming issues!
We just wanted to call attention to what a great job Shelley did on this report. She really looked just terrific when she submitted it too– those knee-high leather boots and that red leotard. Wow! Shelley, just wanted to apologize too for driving by your apartment slowly the other night. I just…well…you’re just such a great lady, Shelley!
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Van Gölü Canavari
By Ric Royer
It first appeared in a Pots Barn. I was standing in front of the Christmas tree ornament display. At my side was a shopping bucket. I had already filled the bucket halfway with several German glitter mercury glass teddy bears and Santa Claus heads. There were so many piled in haphazardly, in fact, that many had broken. But I was flush. I could afford it.
I had just placed my hand on a wondrous Red Strobe Onion Glass ornament when the display suddenly disappeared before my eyes. And in its place, was the famous Van Golu Canavari. I was face to face with its evil.
Some people think that the Van Golu Canavari looks like this.
It was as reported by the Torks of the East. Fifteen meters long with spikes on its back, a primordial sort of monster, fresh out of its lake. The Pots Barn floor became puddly but no customers seemed to notice. The tail of the great beast knocked over a lovely stacked crystal floor lamp that I had been planning to buy and its spikes tore into several wool jacquard pillow covers. My body quaked a little.
Then the monster spoke, in Torkish. It was a long, long explanation of some sort.
“I don’t speak that nonsense,” I said cockily. I put some gum in my mouth as is my wont.
The beast reflected. Then, it spoke again, this time in perfect English.
“You must tell the teaching assistants to stop coming to the lake, stop trying to make their films and write their dissertations. They should stop speculating as to why I swim straight in the lake, rather than curving through the water. They should stop asking why I sun myself on that rock.”
There was a long pause.
“I think you should ask if they have another of those lamps in the back,” the creature advised. “It would go well in your parlor. Next to that media stand with the shuttered doors that you’re using as a hat stand.”
“My hat place,” I corrected.
The creature eyed me suspiciously. I stopped chewing the gum. I was no match and he knew it.
And then he disappeared. The display of ornaments was before me.
I ended up spending over seven thousand dollars.
SPECIAL TV UPDATE…Horrible Mops!
A Lankville Daily News and Inflamed by Stars and Blood Exclusive
By Caramel Jameson
ISB Correspondent
The Lankville Broadcasting Corporation (LBC) will premier a new horror series tonight at 10PM.
Horrible Mops!, the brainchild of frightmaster Dean T. Pibbs stars Ken Barney as “Whitey”, a
Ken Barney lowers the mop.
mongoloid school janitor from the Hills. When Whitey discovers that Karen (played by Pares Jorgensen, in her debut) is in love with blonde badboy Trent (played by Ernie Whitt in his debut), he embarks on a savage series of mop murders throughout the school. Will Karen and Trent get away? Find out tonight at 10PM, 11PM mountains, 12PM deserts.
“I got the idea from the janitor at my school who was actually murdering a lot of people,” stated Pibbs, who is also known for his terrorist attack novels. “He wasn’t using mops though, he was just using guns. But I thought, what a great idea– mops! Horrible mops too. And Ken does a great job. A lot of people don’t know this but Ken is half-mongoloid and a little bit murderous himself so it wasn’t a great stretch. Also, I enjoyed being part of the filming and making some of the decisions in regards to filming the lockers. I knew that that was essential to the scariness of the picture, the feeling of being isolated with lockers.”
LBC has completed filming of 210 episodes of Horrible Mops! and is hoping to commission a second season.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK