Archive
Why I Wrestle by Ric “Wild Boy” Tipps
By Ric “Wild Boy” Tipps
I attended the Southern Lankville Restrained Gymnasium and later spent two years at University. I learned printmaking and spent all day making stamps. The stamps were for no purpose whatsoever, I just kept making them. The University had to buy little storage boxes for the stamps. Finally, they came in and said that that was enough of the stamps and that I could stop making them or leave. So I left.
I traveled North and it was there that I came into contact with the great old grappler Andy “The Thousand Dollar [Lankville] Man” Lezcano. Andy was really worth about a thousand [Lankville] dollars. He was a gorgeous man with a beautifully-sculpted physique. We strolled arm in arm through the boulevards, discussing great events, the thing about the stamps, theology and also knocking over people. Our favorite was when we could pop an old woman just right with our shoulder, sending her bag of groceries flying into the canal. We were hellions.
Andy and I decided to have a postcard made of us wrestling together– this is the postcard you see represented here. We spent all day picking out our trunks and Andy had his hair dyed. I will never forget the day I answered the phone. “Your postcard is ready, Mr. Tipps,” the man on the other line said. I couldn’t believe it. I just let the phone drop. My mouth was wide open and remained so for hours. Andy came along then and rolled me down to the haute papier in a wagon.
We passed that postcard out everywhere. We took it to men’s clubs, boxing gyms, salons, and billiard halls. It was arranged that we should wrestle there. I was given the sobriquet “Wild Boy” by Andy himself. “Well, you are a little wild, aren’t you boy?” he asked me, licking his lips. I became flushed and commenced with awkwardly making the bed. “Yes, yes, I suppose I am,” I said.
I suppose it was the match at the Lankville Upstairs Center for Activities that really thrust us into the public eye. We wrestled for nigh two hours and brought along special glass vials of fake blood and ooze that we broke open at intervals. By the time the match was over– it was I, indeed who triumphed– both of us were covered in blood and gore. The men were thrilled.
The next day, Brock Belvedere himself had an article about us. For a little while, we made good money on the Small Motel Girl Wrestling circuit– we’d usually spar in a downstairs room. But we couldn’t compete with those girls. The men would wander in and out of our room restlessly, waiting for the main attraction. “We ain’t no second fiddle to these broads,” Andy said one time. “We’re stars. We should be getting top billing.” I agreed but at that moment we were entering a chocolatiers and I felt it best to end the conversation.
Of course, Andy died. It was during a Challenge. That’s all I can bear to remember about it.
I still wrestle. But I experience an exquisite ennui when doing so.
News of the Weird: “Inner Hammer” Reappears: “I Was Bored”
By Graahaam Fosdick
Special Weird Correspondent
Graahaam Fosdick
Small pizza tycoon “Inner Hammer” returned home last night after a two-day absence following his evaporation into a local cornfield.
“I was bored,” the executive explained. “I was given the rare opportunity to evaporate into a cornfield, to visit vast worlds beyond my own and I took it. It was a strange and invigorating experience.”
When asked what these alternate universes were like, “Inner Hammer” responded, “they were each their own, small heaven with some distinctive characteristic as you traveled from one to another. For example, one world was all old-fashioned candy shoppes where no payment was accepted. The candy was merely free nectar from some mysterious but benevolent god.”
“Inner Hammer” was then asked what prompted him to bother to return from such enchanted environments.
“In the last universe, I was permitted to pop unlimited vag. Frankly, I’m a little chafed.”
The executive is expected to return to small pizza matters tomorrow.
Area Racks Now Featuring Balloons
By Bernie Keebler
Lankville Action News YES! Team
Bernie Keebler
Area racks are now featuring balloons, sources are confirming.
“Yes, we’re witnessing quite a preponderance of these “balloon racks”,” noted local analyst Gene Shelby, Jr., who made use of air quotation marks in his utterance. “You can find them generally at the end of long aisles or sometimes near restrooms. They come in variety packs– in other words, one can attain a diverse quantity of these “balloons” that, when “inflated” will reveal a manifold series of shapes, colors and sizes.” (Shelby utilized air quotation marks again).
The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.
“I’m pleased about it,” noted Lankville business magnate and former mall-dweller Ric Royer. “As most are aware, I have had a complex relationship with balloons in the past. Yet, I still welcome their appearance. We had several racks at the mall!” (Royer became very loud at the end of his last sentence before abruptly ending the interview).
Sources are conflicted as to who owns the racks.
“We are not exactly sure,” stated area grocery store employee Gary Sparklers. “I lock the door at night and open the door in the morning. Sometime during the night, they are restocked. It’s mysterious and confounding.”
Sparklers was suddenly shoved into a large display freezer which was then tipped over. He is currently recovering at a local hospital.
“Data indicates you’ll be seeing more of these “balloons”,” added Shelby, again utilizing air quotations for reasons unclear.
Catching Up with President Pondicherry
File Photo
By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent Lankville Action News YES! Team
Larry “God” Peters had a chance to sit down with President Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. in someone’s garage.
LP: Interesting venue.
AP: It serves its purpose. I like that the door is up and you can see out into the street.
LP: Let’s talk about Lankville. Were you present at the meeting about the rise of Challenges in the country?
AP: No. On my way to the hotel, I was rear-ended by a mysterious truck. I got out to exchange insurances and the driver threw a sack over my head, punched me repeatedly and shoved me in the back of a waiting sedan. I passed out for awhile and when I woke up I was in a hole, being buried alive.
LP: Sounds like quite a night!
President Pondicherry’s official portrait.
AP: Fortunately, two kindly men, who, for reasons unclear were visiting a graveyard in the middle of the night, came along and rescued me.
LP: Well, let’s get back to Lankville. We have some controversial things going on. Let’s start with business magnate Ric Royer living in a mall.
AP: Well, we simply can’t have that. We have a great number of young people and halfwits that simply cannot be exposed to that lifestyle.
LP: And what about the news that Inner Hammer disappeared into a cornfield?
AP: I’m fine with that. Not everything can be explained analytically.
LP: Anything else of note.
AP: Yes. Someone tried to bury me alive.
LP: Alright, thanks a lot.
Peters suddenly terminated the interview.
News of the Weird: Business Tycoon “Inner Hammer” Disappears Into Local Cornfield
Unflattering File Photo
By Graahaam Fosdick
The body of small pizza tycoon “Inner Hammer” suddenly vanished while walking along the edge of a cornfield, sources are now reporting.
“He turned and waved and laughed like a little girl as the corn tickled his chin and then his body just evaporated,” said Inner Hammer’s Teets Island girlfriend via an interpreter. “It was alternately both magical and monstrous.” [Editor’s note: Mr. Fosdick has added some literary embellishments to the Islander’s account].
Authorities were called to the scene and although the field was minutely combed for several hours, no signs of Inner Hammer could be found.
“There was nothing,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “Not even so much as a bit of tissue, a fibrous entity or a lightweight pants-filament. We discovered several other corpses, of course, but that’s par for the course.”
Gee-Temple then suddenly voided his bowels and the interview had to be ended prematurely.
One of the few known photographs of “Inner Hammer”.
When asked if Inner Hammer had ever dissolved in such a manner before, the Islander girlfriend exclaimed, “Not in the twenty minutes that I’ve known him.”
The area has been placed on an “amber alert” and signs above highways are posting unflattering photographs of the small pizza magnate.
At press time, police are reporting no significant leads. “We’ve had some calls where people have complained about the Inner Hammer brand frozen pizzas and how, when you open the packaging, all the cheese sort of explodes off the pizza when it makes contact with the air but other than that, I’m afraid we’ve received nothing of value,” noted Gee-Temple.
Police will continue with their investigation today.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Green Cross
File Photo
By Ric Royer
The Green Cross came to the home. Two men clad in white coats set up a blood station in the dining hall. Volunteers were requested and, bored, I elected to participate.
Ten of us patients filed in.
“ALRIGHT SHITS,” said one of the Green Cross Men. “Get your pants off and your milky white asses in the fucking air!”
I had never heard of blood being taken from the rear but I did as I was told and had a needle roughly jammed in, perilously close to the anus.
“Fuck. Sorry about that. Missed the cheek,” said the Green Cross Man. “Like a god damn can of corn,” he said mysteriously.
Warden Jenness sauntered in. He gave a short speech, as is his wont.
“It is important what you men are doing. I congratulate you heartily on your extraordinary efforts. From the buried veins of the ass grows mighty trees.”
He slapped me viciously before I could hoist my pants. The sound resonated throughout the nearly-empty dining hall.
We were given heavy cookies and punch by a fat nurse who appeared from somewhere. The Green Cross Men packed up the blood station quickly, hauling the entire thing out in two medium-sized suitcases.
Then, we were led back to our cells.
Canaries Ain’t No Damn Good
File Photo
By Fingers Rolly
Man on the Street
Canaries are no damn good according to Fingers.
I’ll tell you this right fucking now– canaries ain’t no damn good as pets.
You buy one of these little shits and you gotta’ buy a cage and some seed and one of those bastard-ass water dishes. And then the sissy clerk in the sweater says, “They like to look at themselves in the mirror.” So you gotta’ buy a mother-of-piss mirror too.
And what does the canary do? Nothing. That’s what it does.
That’s unless I start screaming at that whore of a desert. It makes a little noise then.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned an article on the rise of Challenges in the Lankville area.
An Interview with Shane Meyer’s Aunt Pam
Unflattering File Photo
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer
The Lankville Daily News had a chance to sit down with Shane Meyer’s only known relative, who asked to be identified as “Aunt Pam”. The meeting took place in a dim basement hallway that smelled vaguely of educational chemicals.
BB: Do you think your nephew really perished in that tire house explosion/fire?
AP: He was a strange child. He had an odd way of staring directly through someone.
Aunt Pam
BB: Were you surprised when he made a fortune in fried plantains?
AP: Yes. He had no interests outside of semi-professional man wrestling.
BB: It’s well-known in the hockey community that you were quite a dish at one time.
AP: I was compared often to different actresses that appeared in certain specific films.
BB: Tell me about your bosom, as in, your bosom in its prime.
AP: I remember the exact day that I realized it had fallen. We were at a country fair and I was standing by a gigantic, industrial popcorn frier. My late husband commented on the seriousness of the frier and someone mentioned the amount of kelvins. I looked down and it hit me then.
BB: Do you have anything else?
AP: I make yarn Christmas ornaments. I sell them.
The interview sort of just slowly collapsed then. Nothing else was said.
Entire Room of Stuffed Animals Found in Meyer’s Last Home
File Photo
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
Investigators today opened the last known official residence of missing fried plantain magnate Shane Meyer and discovered an entire room of stuffed animals according to sources following the story.
The home, a 5700-square foot mansion in Northern Lankville Heights, had been closed since last January. Meyer had been living in a gas station tire house of his own creation until a fire consumed the makeshift edifice in August of 2012.
“The house was entirely empty,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who procured a search warrant of the property early this morning. “There was absolutely nothing to be seen– not even so much as a forgotten fork or spoon in the kitchen. And then we went upstairs.”
The stuffed animal room in Meyer’s last home.
Gee-Temple claims that investigators were entirely unprepared for what they discovered in the second bedroom.
“The room was choked with stuffed animals. They were just everywhere– arranged in haphazard rows, littering the floors, hanging from the ceiling. Many had pink bows tied around them or wore frilly skirts. There was an easel with some paper on it and Meyer had written “STUFFED ANIMAL LODGE” in one of those really big crayons which we found later in the corner buried under some stuffed animals. It was a grotesque spectacle,” said the shaken detective.
Gee-Temple claimed that the search yielded no answers to the Meyer mystery.
“It rattled us all to our cores and we could not understand it anymore,” added the detective. “I hope I never, ever have to go back.”
Mystical Goblet Auctionned
File Photo
News of the Weird
By Graahaam Fosdick
A mystical goblet, which was discovered six months ago in the Teets Island Chain, has been auctionned sources are confirming.
The goblet, which is said to have divining properties, was sold to Lankville business magnate Eric Gelsinger. The price was $1,257,421.00 (Lankville).
“I think if you put it on the floor or in some dirt it supposedly can tell the future,” noted Gelsinger, who operates a series of all-nude clubs in the Lankville downtown area. “I haven’t tried it out yet. In fact, it’s still in the box. I haven’t been at all in the mood to use a boxcutter to slice the god damn thing open.”
The goblet, which is made of gold and bedecked with wondrous jewels, was discovered in a men’s room at the Southern Teets Island Bus Arrival Center by a local. It has not been photographed and the auction was believed to be private and by invitation only.
“I buy a lot of stuff like that. Adds a little class to my strip joints,” Gelsinger added.
Sources are confirming that Gelsinger outbid fellow Lankville business magnates “Inner Hammer” and Ric Royer.
“I’m disappointed,” noted Royer from his shuttered retail space/home at Twin Removed Pines Mall. “I would have enjoyed having something that could predict the future– perhaps predict the dishes that would be served on any given day at the food court. That would have been convenient for me.”
Royer began removing his shirt and sobbing and the interview had to be ended prematurely.
“Not too many people out there that have a mystical goblet,” Gelsinger noted. “I think I got one up on just about everybody in Lankville in that regard.”
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
FIle Photo
By Chris Vitiello
You cannot stack decorative hams. They are not meant to occupy space. They must be laid professionally on proper surfaces. I have known men– these are crude, unschooled men– who will attempt to suspend decorative hams from ceilings using only the hemp or perhaps raw cable. Later, these men will represent grim portrayals of lives bound to the soil.
A Vitiello Decorative Ham
It has been said that if you run through the streets, saying you imitate a lunatic, you are in fact a lunatic. Thusly, if you hang a decorative ham, saying you imitate a decorative ham man, you are in fact nothing and should be whipped. This is an excellent example of a “play on words”.
There have been times when great sums are proffered. And a man will say, “Please put these decorative hams in the shape of a sphere and hang them over the swimming pool.” And I will say, “I will not” and I immediately gather up the hams and begin packing them in their crates. And the man will say, “But I have paid for these, I can have them presented in whatever fashion I wish” and I merely whisper a quiet, “No” and continue packing. And if the man persists, I will whip him and suspend him above his swimming pool.
You must not push me.
The Electronics Cranny: The Truth About Quartz Crystals
File Photo
By Fritz Tennis
Electronics Expert
The type of micro-precision that you find in everyday clocks, door hinges and basketball hoops is entirely keyed to a tiny slab of quartz crystal held under specific temperatures in an extra-special oven. Although the quartz may soon be made obsolete by an even more precise discovery (the little movements of restrained cesium atoms), the crystal still remains the most important device in existence today.
The quartz crystal was known to the ancients and even during the Reign of Pirrapods but it appears that some time after the death of the great King, it was forgotten. It was not until 1837, when Keith Hernandez wandered into a cave in the Inner Depths and was able to hear strange sounds from above, that the power of the quartz crystal was rediscovered. Keith, of course, is now a Hero of Science!
How They Are Cut. Quartz crystals are cut from so-called baby stones by a high-speed carborundum jenny. Don Jars is one of Lankville’s best jenny operators. “You have to know what you’re doing,” he says, by word of advice. “You can’t just step up to the jenny and start cutting. That never works out. I’ve seen guys just walk up to the jenny holding a gigantic sloppy sandwich and think that they can just go ahead and eat the sandwich and operate the jenny with one hand. And still, I’ve seen other guys just walk up to the jenny with an ear of corn. I mean, how can you operate a jenny when you got no hands free?” We had no answer for Jars and the interview collapsed of its own accord.
Although most finished plates come from natural quartz prisms, modern techniques for growing baby stones in laboratories have been perfected to such a degree that the quartz itself may be said to be perfect. Synthetic crystals are often even far superior to natural ones. Zharenendolf Gonzales (foreign Islander) works in one such lab.
A quartz crystal. That’s a hand holding it.
“I would concur with your assertion,” he noted, whilst monitoring the creation of a new synthetic quartz. “We can also make the synthetic quartz to have a pleasing color. Look– this one is green!”
Everyone was very pleased.
Characteristics. The most important single crystal parameter is what is known as “the temperature+mass+coefficient (see table one). You will immediately notice that the temperature coefficient of a certain crystal is given as 1-2-0-6 or 0-2-9-4; hopefully things are beginning to make sense now and you will begin to have an understanding of the megacycle of basic frequency. If you don’t, I wouldn’t really worry about it– it doesn’t really matter. The important thing is to assume that the temperature of your crystal should not exceed x 10=2250 cps= .00225 mc (about the same temperature as it would be if you cooked a bunch of fries in your oven).
Table One
Have another look at table one, specifically rows 3 and 4. Now look at the equation below:
X-cut: t = k/F = 112/4 = .0028″
Y-cut: t = k/F = 77/4 = .0019″
From this it is evident that the wider crystals will grow thicker. You may wish to make a note in your tablets.
Overtone Crystals. An overtone or harmonic crystal is one that has been ground or otherwise agitated by the manufacturer so that it vibrates in two or more parts rather than as a whole. Essentially, this process is very similar to the production of musical instruments where the body vibrates in parts showing nodes and loops along its length (imagine a tuba). If a crystal were to vibrate in two equal parts, you would get the same effect. Imagine a tuba once more and then look at figure one again.
Mounting. It’s important to have a nice holder for your crystal. The consensus at The Electronics Cranny is to utilize some of the recent plastics; you can also use wood if you live in the hills. The crystal should be allowed to vibrate gently but not excessively– excessive vibration may cause coefficient disintegration and ultimately place the operator in a position where he will have to clear the area. “I’ve seen it happen often with these guys that try to mount crystals while holding a big sloppy sandwich,” said Don Jars. “You can’t have that kind of monkey business!”
Now You’re Done! If you’ve made it this far, you clearly have a working knowledge of the quartz crystal. Now, experiment! Put the crystal in some paper and ball the paper up. Send some signals through a long tube. Try drinking some soda through the tube with the quartz still stuck inside. Enjoy!
This has been another session of “After Class” with Fritz Tennis.
Staple Comes Loose from Royer Paddle Ball Game
File Photo
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
A staple has come loose from a paddle ball game owned by mall-dwelling Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, according to sources. The executive is believed in repose.
Staples coming loose from paddle games can render them useless and cause extreme emotional distress for the owner, experts agree.
“Mr. Royer had been playing with the game for most of the morning,” said his personal assistant Orpan Gheymook. “By lunchtime, the string was clearly stressed, the staple was bent awkwardly and the endless jackhammer action of the ball slapping against the paddle had rendered the contraption near the breaking point. Mr. Royer was warned but he continued playing at a similar high level and all of the sudden, the staple came completely loose. We never did find the ball.”
Gheymook continued. “Mr. Royer let out a horrific scream and collapsed in a corner. For some reason, he removed his shirt as he went to the floor. He could not be consoled and ultimately we had to remove him to a comfort station. I have no further updates.”
Royer’s whereabouts are currently unknown.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Other World Figures
File Photo
By Ric Royer
It was evening and I was alone in the unfinished room above my garage, eating an owl. I had a pictorial magazine depicting doors of all types open at various angles and the radio on low when I heard a soft knock. The sun had just gone down.
It was odd, indeed. The stairway to this mysterious room issued a series of sharp creaks and low moans and yet, I had heard nothing. The knock came again. “WHY?” I called out and then realized my mistake. But by then it was too late. The doorknob turned slowly and three shadowy other world figures entered the room.
The unfinished room above Royer’s garage. The Other World Figures appeared on the right.
There was nothing to them but pure shadow– only the barest outline of past humanity could be discerned. They seemed to be hooded– their arms hung limply at their sides. They stood like the front of a bowling pin formation– two behind the first.
Minutes passed. There being nothing I could do until they fired the opening salvo (whatever it be), I elected to finish off the owl. Then, I drank two two-liter bottles of soda in quick succession. After that, I was ready.
One of the figures in the back suddenly picked up an empty plastic container shaped like a barrel (it had once contained puffed cheese triangles). The barrel hung there in the shadows eerily. Then, it disappeared slowly– as though it were being sucked into a pit of quicksand. The plastic top did pop off and land on the ground– to which one of the figures distinctly said “shit” in an eldritch, ungodly voice but otherwise the passage was perfect.
“Why don’t you get out of here,” I said, electing on a gambit that seemed futile and yet, I could think of nothing else. I picked up a giant newspaper and swung it about in their direction. “Go on now, get out of here.” The trio moved slowly backward towards the door. It seemed to be working. I stepped it up a notch. “ASSES! OTHER WORLD ASSES. GET OUT OF HERE.” I threw a bucket towards them– it disappeared into the shadows. “Get out of my unfinished spare garage room– YOUR KIND ARE NOT WELCOME HERE.”
I had cornered them near the doorway. I continued to hurl objects towards them– another empty plastic barrel, an old decorative ham, a piano. Finally, it was too much for them. They retreated. I watched them move strangely across the lawn– you could see their path in shadow behind them. Finally, they seemed to move off into the night air. Then the path before me slowly dissipated.
I looked over and saw my East Island neighbor. The consensus throughout the area was that she had fine tits for an East Islander. I stared right at them. “To hell with it,” I thought.
“Everything alright?” she asked in her East Island way. “Yeah,” I said, continuing to stare at the fine, perfectly formed titties. “Everything looking real good to me, real good.” I allowed myself to drool a little.
It must not be part of her culture. She was putting dirt into clay pots.
It would happen. Another night.
Designer Decorative Ham Line “Christo” Walks Runway
File Photo
By Lance Pepsid
Special Fashion Correspondent
Only days after announcing a series of special spring loafs, innovator Chris Vitiello unveiled his new designer decorative ham line “Christo” before an appreciative crowd at fashion week here in Lankville City.
Model sports a Kenzo Ham Dress. Meat outfits are evidently huge this year.
The line of twelve different decorative hams were carted down the runway by models, clad in ham-inspired outfits designed by many leading lights of fashion including Kinnith Coles, Christians La-Crux, Dolce Porches, and Hermes Kenzo.
Vitiello, who sat in the front row sporting a specially-designed haute couture bedsheet with a large “whip pocket”, smiled mildly throughout the show.
“The important thing was getting the message out there,” the magnate and hockey executive said later. “But it was difficult to sit amongst this aggregation of little whores without wanting to whip everyone senseless and end this garish, profane exposition of visual prattle with one crack of the whip.”
Vitiello left quickly and issued no further statement.
“I thought “Christo” was just tres chic,” said noted designer and critic Cabbages Boy. “I can definitely see the hams becoming deluxe and underground and a common accessory. I saw the first ham and I thought– PURSE!” added Cabbages Boy in a homosexual manner.
Further reviews of “Christo” are expected in the fashion magazines later this month.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK