Archive
Oral Histories of Some Former Lankville Pugilists
Rudy Ferguson
(1952-1959, 15W 9L 4KO)
I was East Lankville Amateur Junior Abundantweight Champion from 1950-1952 and I worked days at the Buntz Mallows factory. Knew Ferdinand Buntz a little bit. He was a friendly guy. Always had a big open box of mallows on his desk. Funny, they were mallows made by some other company. He preferred ’em.
Anyways, Mr. Buntz, he sponsored me for awhile, that’s when I was amateur champion. I did some radio ads for him. It was Mr. Buntz that encouraged me to go professional. It was a shame when they murdered him.
My first pro fight was at the South Lankville Tent Park. They’d take a dirt lot, see, and they’d set up about ten different tents and one of ’em would have a fight in it. I fought Cocoa Peebles to a draw. 15 rounds that was. Later, some of the Tent people, they said, “We can’t have no draw. Throw those baboons back in there.” So, we fought another 3 rounds and I knocked Cocoa out. Right through the ropes and into a rolling cart that had some salads on it. What a mess.”
Next up, it was Billy “The Doll” McGee. They called him “The Doll” cause he made little dolls. He had a business and everything. He did well with them little dolls. Had a catalogue. Oh, he ran that little doll thing for years.
I tore Billy up. Knocked him out in the third round, right through the ropes and into a rolling cart with some salads on it. I dunno why they kept having them at my fights but honest to Christ, that’s what happened.
Well, after that, they started pairing me with some tough guys. I got beat four straight at one point. I remember I tried to make the weight, move up a class to Unwieldyweight and I just got killed. I fought at the Lankville Round Garden against Rocky Peat [Unwieldyweight Champion, 1955-1959] and the Rock knocked me out in the first round. I ended up in the hospital. For about two weeks all I could do was piss in the air. I’d just piss straight in the air and fall back asleep. Nobody could figure it out. I fell outta bed once into a rolling cart of salads and it was like I suddenly woke up. I was alright after that.
I fought just a little after that but mostly concentrated on my work pulling levers at the mallow factory. I didn’t take it serious none after that. I knew I’d never be Unwieldyweight champ and that was the rage then. Anything less was nothing.
My last fight was in ’59 back at the Tent Park. I thought, “Damn, I’m back at the Tent Park, I ain’t moved up none at all.” I fought a 4-round no decision against some foreign guy whose gloves kept falling off. It was ridiculous.
I retired from Buntz in ’79. Built up a little patio in the yard. It’s been nice.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
Chris Vitiello of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc.
In the great white room, I found a series of tables. Many were sans chairs. There were booths along one wall, the far wall, and some banners commemorating challenges bested in sport. The carpet was black with red diamonds.
I found a lone purveyor around the corner. She had a series of meat patties lying in filth behind a display case. The menu above was lit but only faintly. At first, I decided against eating but then thought better of it and purchased a factory-wrapped sack containing snacks and a fountain beverage. I consumed these things while leaning against a bare wall.
After that, I wandered up some confusing staircases and in and out of derelict elevators. There was a small machine that dispensed printed cards yet it was unclear for what purpose. There were newspaper boxes left unfilled. There was one other guy.
And that is what my college experience was like.
Royer on Animals
By Ida Rumpus
Ida Rumpus recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville business mogul Frater-Xerxes (Ric Royer).
IR: Tell me about your childhood growing up with animals.
RR: I had a bunny for a time.
IR: What happened to him?
RR: He blew away.
IR: It’s well-known that you once ate a panda. How have you worked to change your image?
RR: Most people who manage malls have cooked up a hell-broth of self-induced obstacles or else shoot forth as if from a deranged jenny into some sort of romantic imagination and fool themselves for the rest of their lives.
IR: I assume you’re talking about Scott Kites, who has been trying to evict you from your mall home?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: I want to ask you about the upcoming Lankville Panda Benefit. You are spearheading this initiative, I understand?
RR: Every panda has a course, depending partly on the panda’s self and partly on the panda’s environment which is natural, luscious and necessary for each. Any panda who is forced from its self, or through external opposition from another panda, comes into conflict with the order of our Universe and suffers accordingly.
IR: And that’s where you step in? To try to help the panda stay on its course?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: How much do you hope to raise for pandas?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: Anything else?
RR: You can transform heat into light and power to illuminate an entire porcelain Christmas village.
IR: Thanks.
RR: Why?
Don’t Tell Me to Have No Good Trip, You Little Shitbirds
By Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
I hate it when these shitbird women come up to you at church or at some sort of godforsaken outdoor barbeque and, just about when you’re ready to leave, they say, “have a good trip.” Talk about a god damn jinx. What are they thinking, these little bitches with their complicated pastel-colored hats and their shapeless floral-patterned blazers with the wretched whore shoulder pads? I cuss ’em up and down all the way back to the truck and let me tell you something, they deserve it, the miserable little bitch dogs of hell.
I’ve changed churches a lot recently.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article.
Exercise Your Creative Powers with Beautiful Window Boxes!
By D.N. Yathers Special Plant Expert
Have you been feeling sluggish lately? Feeling like maybe you haven’t done anything at all that’s the least bit creative? That you’re a complete piece of garbage? That you’re not sexually-compatible with attractive women? Why not exercise your creative powers then by creating some beautiful window boxes!
A hanging basket of pastel-colored impatiens with a whimsical birdhouse on top is always a great remedy but we’re not going to get into that today. Instead, I want you to pick up several window boxes from your local hardware outlet. They can be plastic but I recommend wood, preferably a nice cedar. It’s OK if it costs a lot– this if for YOU! Now, pile them high in your shopping cart (don’t worry about everyone staring at you), pay for them with a check and head home. You’re ready for your journey!
Lovely window boxes will make you feel creative and alive! (Opinion of the author and not necessarily of the Lankville Daily News)
First, we’re going to affix the cedar boxes to all of your downstairs windows. I generally use two reverse L-shaped brackets, a Braggett clamp and a small Chambers Company hand drill. Use a countersink Temple bit on the pilot hole and slam it in there. You can use a level if you’re really insistent on geometry.
Now, we’re ready for planting! An easy way to make an immediate splash is with a vigorous sweet potato vine. It has a sprawling, lawless shape and its chartreuse foliage really stands out against muted house colors! Shelley really liked the sweet potato vine. “It’s disorderly and uncontained, like me,” she said one time when we were just trying to eat some cakes at a restaurant. Just trying to eat some nice little fluffy hand cakes and she goes and makes a comment like that. The next day I ripped the potato vines straight out but we’re not going to do that today. We’re going to keep them in our lovely cedar window boxes and just wait for the compliments!
Next up, we’re going to consider some Mums. No one in the world is going to complain about a window box full of Mums. Variegated Lamium will compliment the Mums well particularly if you use a lot of dirt. Next, add some contrast. Supertunia Petunias with some Eastern Lankville Stadler Flowerets work well. Rust pansies are nice too against brick or that muted background we talked about earlier. Shelley liked rust pansies. One time, I was potting some rust pansies and she said, “you don’t do it hard and fast enough” and she grabbed my tools and pounded the pansies into that box as though the murderous demons of hell themselves were chasing her. When she added some thin, blonde, dancing geraniums into the mix, I knew exactly what that meant. Exactly.
Let’s move on to accessories! These are best for fall when you can clear out the death that now surrounds you and fill it with little hard corns, gourds, crabapples or tiny Tucker Island pumpkins! For spring and summer, however, I recommend an occasional laying of fine lace or perhaps a colorful bow atop your foliage. Keep it simple– adding too many accessories might give off the impression that you’re a bit of a hillbilly, so be careful!
Now you can sit back and enjoy! Shelley and I had a little patio where we would sit and stare at our window boxes for long periods. The patio is gone now but you can build one again. We’ll look into that next time.
A Review of New Soft Toys for Girls
By Ida Rumpus
The summer soft toy season is upon us and Lankville-area retailers have seen an onslaught of new products. “We’ve been privy to a panoply of soft toys for girls arriving pretty much daily,” noted Dick Splace, owner of The Toy Recovery Bargain Center in Eastern Lankville. “Sometimes, the trucks just back right into our loading bay in a sort of haphazard manner and just drop all the toys unpacked in a sort of sudden confusing eruption; a sort of salvo of soft toys,” added Splace. “We have been very busy cleaning up these unregulated blasts of toy shots that just end up all over the parking lot and…in the grass…” Splace suddenly became very hysterical and had to be led away.
Let’s have a look now at some of this summer’s best offerings.
CUDDLY PLAYTHINGS
“The Panda Creep” by Cuddly Playthings
The Cuddly Playthings Company is based in Northern Lankville and operates a 265-acre factory and warehouse producing 750,000 items daily. “I’d say our best new offering is “The Panda Creep,” noted Founder and CEO Kevin Pans. “Have a look at the strange expression on his face. Might be friendly, might be sort of apathetic and then again, might be an absolute creep. Who knows? I don’t.” “The idea behind the Panda Creep is mystery,” noted its creator Jenny Wockenfuss. “You really can’t be sure what you’re getting. Each expression is exactly identical. I think it’s a good life lesson and parents seem to agree.” Indeed they do, as the Panda Creep has sold over 100,000 units in its first month alone. “Ours ended up being a creep,” said a local mother who asked to remain anonymous. “And then the second one we bought ended up being a creep too. But the third one has been a real sweetheart and my daughter loves him. It’s definitely her favorite toy of the year!”
SCHOENFELD HOUSE
The Large-Eyed Stuffed Owl by Schoenfeld House
The Schoenfeld House is one of Lankville’s oldest soft girl toy manufacturers, founded in 1897. “Our original office was old Mr. Schoenfeld’s house in Southern Lankville,” stated CEO Barry Barrasso, aged 45. “He made senseless wooden toys until 1899, then he switched over to soft and we’ve been riding that wave ever since.” The Schoenfeld House now exclusively produces and markets large-eyed soft owls. “Definitely a niche market but a good one,” Barrasso noted, after taking a short break to eat from a sopping, over-sauced container of ethnic food. “You won’t find another maker of large-eyed soft owls in Lankville or anywhere else for that matter,” added Barrasso, who pushed a packet of papers in our direction for reasons unclear.
Gino Orr is the large-eyed soft owl’s current designer. “I started out drawing owls on placemats which are a sort of laminated, rectangular flat object that you can place before you when you eat and which sort of absorbs a lot of the gobbing,” Orr informed. “I think that Mr. Barrass [sic] saw my drawings and liked them and we met at a motel and really hashed out the whole idea of a more modern design for the large-eyed owl– a design that would be more updated for the current century. So, that’s what you’re seeing today.”
The large-eyed soft owl has sold 45,000 units in May and June alone.
WORLDS OF ROYER
The “Fire Cat” by Worlds of Royer
Even oft-incarcerated Lankville business magnate and sports team owner Ric Royer has cast his lot in with the girls soft toy craze this season, creating the “Worlds of Royer” company, a subsidiary of his many other endeavors. Royer, who was interviewed in his shuttered mall retail space/home, outlined his headliner soft toy for the summer season.
“It’s called “The Fire Cat”.” Royer screamed and then paused to allow us to take everything in. “Look at it over there on my shelf. It has its head tilted in that loving, deliciously cute manner but it’s also capable of existing easily, even flourishing within the terrible subterranean confines of Hell.”
Royer displayed “The Fire Cat’s” accessories, sold separately.
“You can buy a little soft food dish, a water bowl or these gigantic soft fires that represent the hideous conflagrations of Hell.” Indeed, the plush fires come in sizes of five to ten feet. “They should be mammoth,” Royer added. “As vast and colossal as the raging flames of Hell. But my advisers mentioned that it would be difficult to sell twenty or thirty foot tall stuffed flames. So we made them more to scale.”
Royer, who suddenly became frightened of the stuffed flames and the Fire Cat, let roar an unstoppable scream and the interview had to be ended prematurely.
The “Fire Cat” has sold 22,000 units since late April.
With all these fantastic new soft girl toys for summer, we can only wait with baited breath for what Lankville’s toy concerns will be offering in the Fall.
That Piece of Shit Ain’t Selling Me a God Damn Couch
By Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
I’ll tell you that right now.
I went into town the other day because I was sick as all hell of screaming at that mother of a whore desert. And also because I needed a new couch.
“You got something in a Western motif?” I asked the piece of shit who was wearing a fancy pants tie and sweater combination. “But gimme’ something without no desert scene on it. I can’t stand for no desert scene.” I thought about howling but kept it to myself.
“We don’t have anything in a Western motif,” the piss stick shot back. “It’s not fashionable right now.”
Typical western couch (for illustrative purposes).
I looked at the piece of shit for a minute and then spat on the floor.
“I oughta’ stick my boot up your fucking ass for talking to me like that,” I said. His eyes bulged real big then and I knew that he knew that I wasn’t gonna’ buy no god damn couch from his god damn popsicle stand.
I picked up a submarine after that and took it home and ate part of it while looking out at that old bitch-dog of a desert.
I don’t recall anything after that.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article. Mr. Rolly was assigned an article on the rise of Challenges in Lankville.
Ramping it Up For Easter with BIG CHIPS
By BIG CHIPS
Yo, for the first time in a long-ass time, I suggested to Pops that we get some Easter decorations.
“What do you have in mind Cur…I mean, Big Chips,” Pops said, as we were chilling around the table eating some take-out wings.
“There’s a spread a few blocks from here. Got a big inflatable Easter bunny, right in the front yard.” I sat back and let that hang for a minute.
“No. No, I’m afraid not, Big Chips,” Pops said after he wiped his mitts clean of BBQ sauce. “Those inflatable decorations are cheap and tend to deflate easily. I’m not sure that you’re ready for that kind of responsibility.”
“I guess not,” I agreed. “Yo, Pops, what if we just get a couple a’ baskets. Some of that yellow Easter grass. Be awesome, yo!”
Pops took out his wallet. “I tell you what, Big Chips. I’ll give you ten dollars. See what you can get with that.” Then he started reading his paper and I just ended up falling asleep on the couch in front of this flick about aliens that came down with all these bags full of packing peanuts.
I slept until about two in the afternoon and then I took the ten and headed down to The Dollar Bush on my bike.
“Yo, what you got for Easter?” I asked the brown girl behind the counter. She had some smokin’ blonde hair and big round glasses and, I won’t bullshit you, she was maximum busty. It was awesome. She pointed in the direction of the holiday aisle and went back to filing her nails.
Detail of typical Easter grass.
Big Chips picked out a couple of baskets and got two bags of Easter grass (green and yellow). I ditched the pink on account of finances. The girl rang me up and it came to five cents shy of the ten.
“Yo, right on target,” I said. She bagged everything up. I thought about asking for her digits but she didn’t look Big Chips’ way. To hell with it, I thought. Look at this Easter shit. It was a god damn haul.
I set it up on the mantle. It was beautiful. I sat on the couch for three straight hours just waiting for Pops to come home.
When he walked in the door, I pointed at the mantle. “The Big Chips Easter Committee is donnnnnnneeee,” I said. Pops had a bunch of mail or papers or something in his hand and seemed distracted. “It’s real nice Cur…I mean, Big Chips. Real nice.”
He went up to his room to change. Another successful day in the books.
Cause when you’re ramping it up for Easter with BIG CHIPS, you don’t need a safety net.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Political Scientist
By Ric Royer
The first time I spotted the political scientist was at a conference on Immigrant Identity in Outer Lankville that I snuck into for the free meats. She gave a short speech and I was immediately transfixed by her huge, cat-like eyes, her supple, slightly bronzed skin, and her ever-so-slightly aged but still voluptuous figure hidden only by a mere chemise of the finest fabrics.
Later, I approached her. She was surrounded by a gaggle of fading academics and I slowly but meticulously shoved each one out of the way until it was just us.
She parted her lips and looked at me over her glass as she took a slow drink of soda. She was wearing a pin in her lapel that depicted a bear playing with balloons.
“Do you like my pin?” she said, noticing.
“I don’t understand it,” I said, truthfully. “I didn’t understand your speech either. But, then again, I wasn’t listening.”
“Oh? Why not?” There was something slightly scholastic about the question.
“Because I don’t give a shit about Immigrant Identity in Outer Lankville. What I care about is pressing up against your back as I slowly unbutton that chemise, cupping your breasts as the shirt falls away, kissing the bra straps off your shoulders and then finding your secret crevice and…”
“And…then what?” she asked. She was practically melting against the wall.
“Well, then I would bang you, you little squirrel.”
She dropped her glass of soda and it stained the orange carpet.
We got a hotel room near a Burger Duke. I found the nearness of the two structures a miracle but the political scientist didn’t seem impressed. “Why don’t you take me to a nice country inn?” she suggested. I ignored her.
And then moments later I had her.
Afterwards, I cracked a window.
“You’re not like my husband,” she commented. “He has a Ph.D in Economics.”
“Fuck that shit.”
“You’re so…so coarse,” she said.
“The only economics you need to worry about is how much it’s gonna’ cost to dry clean that suit of yours.”
“That doesn’t really make any sense,” she said, a flummoxed look crossing her face.
“Skip it.”
Later, we had burgers. I got us a booth in the back.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Recently, I led a group of eight clients on a masculine journey of rediscovery, exploration and fear. The journey was originally planned for the Great Lankville Pyramid Area but, regrettably, funds were rather low so we ended up renting a motel– utilizing the weedy area out back as a sort of conference room.
During our first session, I asked all the men to hold hands. “Breathe in the healthful air, all the way down to your belly and beyond,” I commanded. The men did as told. “Now breathe all of that air out– expel all that intangible waste.” Again, the men complied. This time, I went around and offered some items from a tray that I had stolen from a cafeteria– travel coffee mug, $5.99, gapless 5″ binder, $19.99, chess set that could also be turned into a table, $12.99, all good deals.
“Let’s move on to our varied spiritual loads.” I turned to Wayne, a fairly new client with a pleasant, round face and a strange habit of removing his shirt at odd intervals.
“I mean nothing obscene by this Dr. Thurston but my spiritual load is located in my nuts.”
There was a tittering among the men but I raised my hand. “Let Wayne finish,” I commented.
“Yes, it’s in my nuts. I think all my negative energy has migrated to my nuts. And so they hang there, needing release. I’m not sure how to do that.”
“Clearly, your aura is not centered,” I said. “Your energy field is beginning and ending with your nuts. You are not grounded to earth. I have seen this before.”
I made a prong with my hand and began massaging the aura around Wayne’s nuts. “I want you to imagine an energy fountain moving up out of your nuts and through the midline of your body. As you breathe, allow the fountain of energy to shower back to earth.” As he did this, I offered him an opened box of glue sticks— $9.99, great deal.
“How do you feel now, Wayne?”
“I feel a little better, Dr. Thurston.”
“Did you want the glue sticks? The box is opened but it’s never been touched.”
“OK.”
Everybody made out pretty well on the deal.
Vitiello Introduces Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig
By Lance Pepsid, Special Fashion Correspondent
Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc. announced today that they will begin selling decorative slow-roasted pigs in time for Summer, 2014.
“We have accomplished everything we hoped to accomplish with the Decorative Ham and it is now time to move on to the decorative slow-roasted pig,” noted founder and CEO Chris Vitiello, who gave a short press conference clad in flowing white robes with two braided whips wound around each shoulder. “You may transmit this information to your whorish readers in whatever manner you see fit.”
Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig (prototype)
Later, Vitiello sat down with Lankville Daily News fashion correspondent Lance Pepsid.
CV: It is one of the great wonders of our day, Mr. Pepsid, that you continue to be dispatched to cover stories for which you are shamelessly ill-suited.
LP: Tell us about the decorative slow-roasted pigs– will they be available for the BBQ season?
CV: When is the BBQ season exactly, Mr. Pepsid. Can you mark that on any earthly calendar?
LP: Well, how they can be utilized in the backyard…
CV: Let’s make something clear, Mr. Pepsid. Use of a Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig in an outdoor setting requires further permits that be very difficult to acquire. A Vitiello Decorative Slow-Roasted Pig is ideally suited for the living room. That is the room for which it was designed.
LP: It seems like it would be nice for outdoors…
CV: Are you questioning the intent of the designer, Mr. Pepsid?
LP: Let’s move on. How much do they cost?
CV: Cost should never be a consideration when purchasing an item from Vitiello Decorative Hams. People with such concerns should frequent those shuddersome dollar stores that continue to be a blight on our landscape and which profess to sell oriental rugs for $20 (Lankville).
LP: I’m sure people would like an estimate.
CV: Move your chair towards the wall Mr. Pepsid.
Pepsid was whipped mercilessly.
Flying Saucers Today! ABDUCTION, 2014
By Graahaam Fosdick
Five minutes ago, I said goodnight to Terry, the office girl (and occasional lover), who all day 
has been busy answering angry, threatening letters from folks who have ordered the Graahaam Fosdick Book, “FROM OUTER SPACE TO YOUR YARD”, and are wondering when they will receive it. They won’t receive it, of course, since we’ve been advertising a book that I have no intention of ever writing but by that time I will have switched offices. Anyway, my point really is that today Terry received a rather unusual letter. It was from a man who called himself “AN AGGRIEVED SAUCERER” and bore a postmark from the Southern Lankville Plains.
“Dear Mr. Fosdicks [sic],” the letter began. “They’ve found the two women. They were in a deep creek just the other side of the Vitiello Decorative Ham factory. The police are saying that the women were driving their late model Tippett and that it skidded off the road and into the river. However, it was not a Tippett that the women were driving, Mr. Fosdicks. It was a saucer.”
I dropped the letter. Terry bent to pick it up and her round behind bumped into my groin and some funny business ensued. But after that, we examined the letter again.
“These women are not the only ones,” I commented, as I retrieved my pants which had somehow ended up on top of the window dressing. “After all, there HAD been the case of Olive Kernels, who I spent a great deal of time tracking down. Ms. Kernels, in December of 1889, went out to the well for a bucket of water and never returned. It was clearly a case of a saucer abduction.”
Terry made some notes.
“I think we should go over to the river,” I decided. “I am concerned about the Case of the Two Women.” I asked Terry to take note of that title.
We made it over in record time. I was disappointed to see that the wreckage had been cleared away.
A guard was standing along the banks languidly. He tried to stop us.
“I’m Graahaam Fosdick,” I stated forcefully. “Editor of Flying Saucers Today!. Where are the bodies?”
“Down at the morgue,” he said. “But you can’t…”
I knocked him flat on his ass. This was too important a case. I’d pay for it later, I knew– I had some friends on the Police Auxiliary, after all.
I told Terry to drive and made some notes on some scrap paper. I pretended to be so engrossed by my work that I failed to notice a pen falling out of my shirt and landing in my lap. Terry, ever efficient, went to remove it. Some funny business started again then and we ended up getting a hotel for the rest of the night.
But the next morning, I showed up at the morgue. O’Talbot was there and he let me see the bodies.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking Fosdicks [sic],” he said. “Look at the damage to their skulls for Chrissakes. Look at the hunks of broken windshield sticking out of their foreheads. Look at the mark left by the steering wheel on the driver. This wasn’t any kind of abduction– it’s plain to any idiot that it was a run-of-the-mill, everyday car accident.”
“What’s Pondicherry saying?” I asked. I stared him down.
“Pondicherry? What the hell does he care?”
“Exactly.” He started to speak but then he thought better of it and shut the hell up.
Terry was waiting for me in the parking lot. “I called his bluff,” I told her. “They’ve not been successful in silencing all witnesses and sources of information. So much of this is of a startling nature. But I’m ready to call it. It’s an abduction. First one of 2014.”
Terry nodded. Man, I was ready to get all over that again.
It’d have to wait.
The world had to know first.
August Memories of Youth by “Inner Hammer”
One of the few known photographs of “Inner Hammer”.
Ric Royer’s latest “Experience” is a chunk of horseshit. He never spent any time in such environs, never had mountain beacons, never witnessed an apocalypse. But he did remind me of one thing– the Cucumbrix 2000.
Ah, I recall coming home from school and heading straight into my parent’s darkened living room, adorned in thick oranges and browns. We had a gigantic wood-enclosed television and the Cucumbrix rested in a drawer that emerged from beneath. I would slap in one of the many great cartridges– there was Turtles!, yes but I always preferred Hunting in the Wooded Area (which came with a light-sensing rifle) or Racing Hardtops or the robust swords and sorcery game Castle Hesitation.
I would play for hours. Eventually, someone would come home– I could hear footsteps in the hallway– but they would always pass by the living room and head towards the bedrooms in the back and the next thing I knew, I’d hear heavy suction noises followed by the loud beeping of an empty IV. And I’d just turn up the video orchestra that was the sound of the Cucumbrix 2000.
A white and a brown person play the Cucumbrix 2000. The creator of the system shot himself in the face.
I was never fed as a child. But it didn’t matter because the Cucumbrix was my sustenance. I had nearly all of the company’s offerings and I cannot describe the sincere heartache I felt when I went by myself to the store to find the display case gone.
“The owner shot himself in the face,” the teenage clerk told me, point-blank. I believe that may have been my first brush with mortality. “You were the only one that ever bought these things,” he added.
I stood beneath his raised platform, near to tears.
“Asshole,” he said quietly, without heat.
Two days later some men in blue jackets came to take my Cucumbrix. It was law, they said, all systems had to be removed and they were going house to house to insure that their job was done thoroughly.
I sat on the thick orange carpet, staring at the empty drawer for days.
Eldritch Canisters Have Been Haunting Royer
By Joel Tweez Resort Correspondent
A series of eldritch canisters have been haunting business magnate and Lankville Daily News correspondent Ric Royer for many months now, the executive is confirming.
“The canisters appear at twilight, often in the garden,” said Royer during a morning interview on some boats. “Then, when I finally give in to repose about midnight, the canisters begin their infernal rolling, back and forth down my driveway. It goes on all night. And with this noise, comes an ungodly howl.”
Royer has alerted authorities but to no avail.
Typical canisters. These canisters are not haunted but are merely shown for illustrative purposes.
“Some cops came but they just ended up ogling my East-Island neighbor. Admittedly, she has fine tits for an East Islander.”
Royer even hired a security guard to man the driveway of his resort home in hopes of preventing the canisters from gaining access to the yard. The guard was found the next morning with a frozen look of terror on his expired face.
“I may have to abandon the mansion temporarily and move back to the mall,” admitted the eccentric tycoon.
Yeah, I’ll Make a Little Presentation Oar for You
By Floyd Tingley
Yeah, sure– you need a little presentation oar? I’m your man. I’ve been making little presentation oars for 25 years. Started out making ’em out of discarded table legs. Man, I used to have a whole basement full of discarded table legs– don’t ask me how. Seriously, don’t ask me how because I WILL NOT answer you.
Anyways, you can pick from a couple different styles. When I’m done, I’ll even put a little plaque on there. It’ll say, for example, “TO MILT, FROM FLOYD”. That’s just an example– man, I’ll put anything you want on there as long as you’re not making a mockery of things. I don’t have patience for that.
People, say, what am I gonna’ do with this little presentation oar once I receive it? Well, they’re perfect for your den, office, yacht club or basements. Creates that nautical look. The freedom of the open sea. Now, they’re presentation only– we need to understand that right away. You can’t actually use this oar. You won’t get anywhere if you try to use this oar, I’m telling you that right now. I got a little warning sticker on the side letting people know that they’ll die if they try to take a craft out with just this oar. No doubt in my mind.
I gave one to my son last Easter. He’s a professor out at the University. He’s got a whole den full of books. I said– “why don’t you just throw away some of the books on that shelf and then you can put the oar there for display purposes?” I told him I’d help him throw them away. I don’t think he ever did do it though– I saw the oar on a small hill in his backyard last time I was there. Who knows what these kids think these days? Sure don’t seem to have a sense about creating that nautical look– that freedom of the open sea. You won’t get me in some classroom, I’ll tell you that. You can’t learn to make little presentation oars in a classroom, that’s for sure.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only. I really don’t have time to mess around with someone who’s only half-hearted about little presentation oars. Besides, little presentation oars sell themselves. You don’t want on the list, fine, free up your spot in line.
They’re $195.
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK