Archive
Pondicherry, Jr. Named President
By Brock Belvedere
Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. was named President of Lankville last night, as expected.
A junta, which consisted of several Lankville business magnates and a small armed force, elected the 38-year old son of the recently-deceased President in a landslide.
“A consensus was reached. Lankville has a new leader,” noted Decorative Ham tycoon Chris Vitiello, who gave a short press conference outside a “Horn of Comfy Hotel” in Eastern Lankville where the election was held. “Doubtless, you pusillanimous miscreants will begin filling the pages of your various newspapers with the usual bathos.” Vitiello scanned the room slowly. “I should whip you all,” he noted.
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present the first exclusive interview with President Pondicherry.
BB: You will be replacing your father as President. Big shoes to fill?
Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr.
AP: We’ll see. I’m not healthy enough for any sort of sexual activity.
BB: You were your father’s assistant for many years so I take it that you know the in’s and out’s of Lankville.
AP: I know about the in’s and out’s, I’m just not healthy enough for it.
BB: What do you think possessed your father? Why did he cuss at the lion?
AP: You can take a warmed sponge, lovingly apply it to the nape of a woman or man’s neck, press gently, and watch the stream cascade down their back until it arrives in that gorgeous, esoteric reality just above the haunches. It’s good if you have either candles or a hard film light as it will flicker and glow in the water. Your choice.
BB: Do you intend to make any changes during your Presidency?
AP: Find yourself some long, brown, grape-flavored cigarettes. Over dinner, suddenly light one up. Blow the smoke slowly into a woman or man’s face. Flick the cigarette away without breaking their gaze. Don’t worry if it burns someone. The world has suddenly become very small, there is a flash followed by several low concussions. That is the sound of their heart.
BB: Are you…?
AP: Find the mouth of a great underwater cave. Rip off the bikini or tight zebra-patterned trunks of your lover. Say, “What do you think I am, baby– a pervert? It’s just an expression I use.”
BB: Thank you. Lot of things going on right now in Lankville, huh?
AP: I’m not sure.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Western Town
File Photo
By Ric Royer
I pulled off the Interstate after a long drive and searched around for a hotel. I decided on a place called “Slumberland”– it was bereft of cars and ramshackle but the colorful sign tickled my fancy. Also, there was a girl with giant tits sunning herself outside the office. I got wood immediately.
I paid $29.95 for a room on the end, overlooking a ditch and a runoff. I crossed at the busy intersection, entered a strip mall hardware store and purchased the biggest pipe wrench I could buy. Then, I picked up a roast, some baked beans in a can and a bottle of box wine. Then, I went back to my room.
I picked the mattress up off the bed frame and heaved it against the windows. It blocked out the diminishing sunlight perfectly. Then, I busted up the frame and dragged the pieces out into the runoff. That cleared the middle of the room.
The Slumberland Motel has beds!
I moved the table over and covered it with a bed sheet. Then, I prepared the meal over a fire I set in the bathtub. Everything was cooked to perfection.
I went back outside. The girl had put on a thin robe and was just packing up her portable chaise-lounge and her little plastic table.
“You own this place?” I asked in a slightly threatening manner.
“No,” she said quietly. She offered little else.
“Well, I got a roast, some beans and some box wine in there, just going to waste.” I jiggled my hips a bit.
“I’m vegetarian,” she said. She bent over slightly though, giving me a pretty fair look at the goods.
“Fuck that. You’ll eat the roast.”
There was a long silence. Traffic had died down and the sun was disappearing over the hills.
“OK. I will.”
“Yeah.”
She followed me back to the room. I pulled her chair out for her.
“I’ll be right back.”
I took the pipe wrench and went to the bathroom. I dismantled the u-pipe from beneath the sink and turned the water on full blast. It wasn’t long before it flowed out into the main room.
“It’s like we’re dining on top of a river,” she said excitedly.
“Yep, I think of everything baby.” I shoved some roast into her mouth.
We ate for awhile but then I got sick of it and dumped the table. She moved her chair back quickly, a fork of beans still in her hand.
“Sorry, baby. But the big train is pulling into town right about now.”
It was a long night.
Zookeeper, Zoo Staff Interrogated on Pondicherry Death
By Glitzy Fritz Tannenbaum
Special Zoo Attache
FIle Photo
Lankville police in tandem with the Lankville Bureau of Probes are interrogating the zookeeper and staff of the Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo in connection with the death of President Pondicherry sources are confirming.
The President was eaten by a lion late last night. He was 56.
President Pondicherry’s death could have been prevented.
“There may have been some impropriety here in regards to the caging of the lions,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, one of the first to respond to the scene. “Additionally, we have evidence of misconduct on the part of zoo staff.”
Jerry Papers of Eastern Lankville was a witness to the President’s death.
“When you go to [Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo], you kind of just expect that lions and elephants will be following you around and that there will be no visible sign of any staff whatsoever. There have been a lot of accidents there.”
Papers was suddenly, himself, mauled by a roving panda.
The Lankville Bureau of Probes had already announced by press time that they had completed their inquiry and that 6 individuals had been executed.
“We believe that the President’s death could have been prevented. Justice has been served,” noted an LBP official who refused to be identified. “We are still holding the zookeeper,” added the investigator. “He has a lot of good animal jokes, so we’d like to hear the rest of them and then…” The official trailed off.
President Pondicherry was 56.
BREAKING: PRESIDENT PONDICHERRY DEAD
By Bernie Keebler
Lankville Action News YES! Team
File Photo
President Pondicherry is dead sources are now confirming. He was 56.
Pondicherry was eaten by a lion while visiting Lankville Memorial Discount Zoo yesterday with his 13-year old niece Amber.
President Albert C. Pondicherry: 1958-2014
“He was standing around saying things like HEY ASSHOLE! to the lion and I think that the lion just had enough,” said Amber who was rushed to the hospital after suffering from severe shock. “Uncle Pondicherry had been doing things like that for years, just going up to lions and saying HEY ASSHOLE! and prancing around. Otherwise, of course, he was a quiet, modest man. But everyone knew it was just a matter of time.
Pondicherry’s specific gripe against the lion in question in unknown.
“I won’t say it’s a terrible loss,” said political commentator Terry Coupons of The Lankville Daily News, “let’s just say it’s a loss of sorts.”
Pondicherry had been President of Lankville since 2004. His son, Albert Pondicherry, Jr. is considered an early candidate for the position.
The nation will mourn in a small restrained service to be held Monday.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
File Photo
By Chris Vitiello
Decorative Ham Magnate
The bulk of my teenage years were spent in isolation.
There was a hilly dirt path that led away from the village and deep into the woods. Eventually, it let out on a grassy field that overlooked a rambling cold storage facility, seemingly bereft of human activity. There was a concrete sewer pipe that rose vertically from the ground and I used to place a small portable cook stove on its surface and grill hot dogs and buttered half-corns while listening to the sound of the wind through the grasses. It was seldom that I brought a book or radio along.
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
I had executed this ritual for a month before I noticed a distinct change. The wind became distinctly more fitful and temperamental (though only when I was cooking hot dogs in the grassy field)– indeed, it was remarked within the confines of the village how seasonable the weather had been that summer.
And then the storms came. It happened first during a visit in early August. A meteorological agitation that came suddenly and without warning and was accompanied by a demented but obscure shout, terse but horrifying. Then, a vicious wind through the grasses that carried off my grill and hot dogs into the sky where they disappeared in a series of black clouds that blotted out all light. I had to take cover against the cement sewer pipe and then, just as abruptly as it appeared, the storm ended and it became warm and bright once again.
This happened on each visit, without fail, throughout the month of August and into September. I accepted it unfailingly, though it required repeated purchases of new cook stoves. “You buy an awful lot of these son,” said the overalled owner of the county line feed store. “You’re not planning some sort of revolutionary attack are you?” I mollified him with long, tiresome stories of charitable camping excursions to buy time. I needed to see the end of this thing through.
The denouement came in early October. It had grown cold. I was on my tenth cook stove. The demented tempest came suddenly; indeed, the coals had just begun to grow orange and my first hot dog had just been placed over the burgeoning fire when it was whisked away. “WHERE WILL IT GO?” I demanded. I was in tears– my emotion had come on as quickly as the storm itself. “I WANT TO KNOW!” And then my sorrow was turned into inexplicable joy. There were no black clouds this time– I could follow the grill as it bobbed in the current like a kite. I watched until it disappeared entirely.
It was then that I knew.
And I never returned.
Woman in a Man’s World
By Robin Brox
The Lankville Daily News is lusciously pleased beyond measure to present a new feature by uncolored condiment magnate Robin Brox which will explore issues of gender and diversity in our modern world.
“Fuck you, you stupid Goombah,” I yelled. Then I threw a framed photograph of my mother at the asshole. That’s when he finally backed out of the office.
I picked up the broken photo. “Oh, Mom,” I said. Then I wept.
On the way home, I pulled into a Meyer’s all-night plantain hut. “I know Shane,” I told the cashier. “I own a hockey team in the Pondicherry Association and he used to. Give me one of those plantains in foil and make it free.” The kid looked at me funny, so I hit him square in the jaw. “Like that baby?” He looked up at me from the floor– he liked it. I told him to lock up.
Afterwards, I sped home at a steady 100MPH clip without braking for a single red light. “Fucking cops. Fucking a-number one fuckheads,” I said to no one in particular. I tried the radio. There was a light little number, light little trumpets. “YEAH, SHITTERS,” I yelled. I don’t know what I meant by it but I enjoyed the Christ out of that song.
When I got home, I kicked the front door so it slammed against the inner wall. There was a big hole there now. I noticed a sickly blue light from the otherwise darkened living room. I stumbled towards it.
Tippy was there. “You gonna’ work on your speech?” he said.
“Your mother’s gonna work on my speech,” I offered.
He sighed. “You gonna’ work on your speech?” he asked again.
“What speech, asshole?” I countered.
“Your speech on the essence of uncolored condiments.”
“Oh, right, that bullshit mouth party. Give me a pen.”
Tippy and I worked for a few hours. Then he put on a program. There were some guys in space that were shooting at some other guys in space. “Look at this conventional jive,” I said. Tippy ignored me and kept watching.
I collapsed on the couch shortly thereafter. I think I threw up in my mouth once but Tippy just bent me over the edge of the couch and let it run out into a pail.
I’m a woman in a man’s world, alright.
Synchronized Patriotic Pinwheel Display Ends in Tragedy
By Hugh G. Pickens
Lankville Action News YES! Team
Crime Beat Reporter
File Photo
A synchronized patriotic pinwheel display accompanied by the release of red, white and orange pigeons ended in tragedy for one Lankville man, sources are confirming.
The event, which was held at the East Island Fairgrounds and Carnival Tent Yard, was part of the celebration of the anniversary of the birth of Pirrapods the Great and was held in front of a darkened, muddy field.
Pinwheels are fun and attractive but meant DEATH for one Lankville area man.
“In the middle of the display, this obese local man, who we have not yet identified, simply fell over silently in his lawn chair and died,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “Because the fireworks had already begun, no one noticed his death,” the intrepid Gee-Temple added.
“He lay there so long , they were kicking him in the head by accident,” said event sponsor Ric Royer, who proudly noted that he has attended every pinwheel display in Lankville for the past 15 years. “Then a wandering hog came up and just ate the shirt clean off his back. Later on they buried him right where he lay. They just sprinkled some sawdust over the grave, which, because of the intense rain, turned immediately into a giant puddle at which point the corpse just bobbed right up out of the ground and floated downhill where it came to rest in the parking lot of that buffet down there that also sells hats,” said Royer, who stared at this interviewer unblinkingly for nearly a minute before taking his leave.
Investigators are expected to work lightly on the case today.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Gazebo Kit
By Ric Royer
File Photo
I didn’t have a basement but felt that the gazebo kit required one. A well-lit clean tool bench where I could spread my paints out, a steel stool, an old radio with calm, easy-listening trumpets and a triple-layered serving plate stuffed with various cakes to the extent that the cakes had become more horrific than desirable. I had to make that happen.
I cased an appropriate house. The owner carried a lunchpail and wore overalls. I knew his basement would be suitable.
Traditional gazebo kit.
I blew the door off with some low-grade explosives and carefully took the gazebo kit into the basement. It was perfect.
I sat my paints and the kit on the well-tended bench. The pink bakelite radio immediately issued forth the low, soothing music I had hoped for; I could hear frogs from somewhere even though it was winter.
I opened the box. The gazebo was thoroughly researched and finely-crafted and I immediately admired the highly-detailed white metal castings. Here, before me, was an old-fashioned gazebo with a dome roof, latticed side railings and benches. I thought of finely-clad 19th-century Lankville women (perhaps with tits), listening to the music issuing forth from the bandstand as they sipped lemonade on this very structure.
Something happened then. My hand began to shake violently and I smeared brown paint all over the roof– brown paint that had suddenly become thick and viscous and could not be removed. I cursed and then, as I attempted to save the gazebo, I pressed too hard on the supporting beams and the entire structure was destroyed in my hands.
I was temporarily blinded. Then, I saw only a screaming skull encircled by fire. I knew that someone would have to die for this, that real structures would have to be destroyed.
I went upstairs to the kitchen and found some hams and a big can of candy. Then I set off the remaining low-grade explosives. I watched the conflagration from across the street.
The only thing I cared about had been doubly destroyed.
BROCK PENETRATES
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Alleged astronaut Nick Del Rio presented a paper outlining his recent space travels to a group of distinguished scientists today at Goddards Famous Astronaut Center in Lankville. The explorer was then presented with several medals from NASPA and met with the media afterwards. Brock Belvedere had a chance to sit down for a one-on-one.
BB: I hate you.
ND: Listen, do you have any real questions?
BB: Let’s talk about Lankville. I know it’s not as important as this space crap but what are your thoughts on the rise of Challenges in the country?
ND: Certainly the country has taken its lumps but I think…
BB: I hate you. Everybody hates you.
ND: …but I think that if we look to President Pondicherry…
Nick Del Rio ASSHOLE
BB: I hope you die in space.
ND: Listen, can I finish please?
BB: OOOH! Look at the big fancy space asshole. I’m a delicate space asshole and I cannot be interrupted.
ND: Alright, we’re done here.
This has been another penetrating interview by Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Why I Wrestle by Ric “Wild Boy” Tipps
By Ric “Wild Boy” Tipps
I attended the Southern Lankville Restrained Gymnasium and later spent two years at University. I learned printmaking and spent all day making stamps. The stamps were for no purpose whatsoever, I just kept making them. The University had to buy little storage boxes for the stamps. Finally, they came in and said that that was enough of the stamps and that I could stop making them or leave. So I left.
I traveled North and it was there that I came into contact with the great old grappler Andy “The Thousand Dollar [Lankville] Man” Lezcano. Andy was really worth about a thousand [Lankville] dollars. He was a gorgeous man with a beautifully-sculpted physique. We strolled arm in arm through the boulevards, discussing great events, the thing about the stamps, theology and also knocking over people. Our favorite was when we could pop an old woman just right with our shoulder, sending her bag of groceries flying into the canal. We were hellions.
Andy and I decided to have a postcard made of us wrestling together– this is the postcard you see represented here. We spent all day picking out our trunks and Andy had his hair dyed. I will never forget the day I answered the phone. “Your postcard is ready, Mr. Tipps,” the man on the other line said. I couldn’t believe it. I just let the phone drop. My mouth was wide open and remained so for hours. Andy came along then and rolled me down to the haute papier in a wagon.
We passed that postcard out everywhere. We took it to men’s clubs, boxing gyms, salons, and billiard halls. It was arranged that we should wrestle there. I was given the sobriquet “Wild Boy” by Andy himself. “Well, you are a little wild, aren’t you boy?” he asked me, licking his lips. I became flushed and commenced with awkwardly making the bed. “Yes, yes, I suppose I am,” I said.
I suppose it was the match at the Lankville Upstairs Center for Activities that really thrust us into the public eye. We wrestled for nigh two hours and brought along special glass vials of fake blood and ooze that we broke open at intervals. By the time the match was over– it was I, indeed who triumphed– both of us were covered in blood and gore. The men were thrilled.
The next day, Brock Belvedere himself had an article about us. For a little while, we made good money on the Small Motel Girl Wrestling circuit– we’d usually spar in a downstairs room. But we couldn’t compete with those girls. The men would wander in and out of our room restlessly, waiting for the main attraction. “We ain’t no second fiddle to these broads,” Andy said one time. “We’re stars. We should be getting top billing.” I agreed but at that moment we were entering a chocolatiers and I felt it best to end the conversation.
Of course, Andy died. It was during a Challenge. That’s all I can bear to remember about it.
I still wrestle. But I experience an exquisite ennui when doing so.
News of the Weird: “Inner Hammer” Reappears: “I Was Bored”
By Graahaam Fosdick
Special Weird Correspondent
Graahaam Fosdick
Small pizza tycoon “Inner Hammer” returned home last night after a two-day absence following his evaporation into a local cornfield.
“I was bored,” the executive explained. “I was given the rare opportunity to evaporate into a cornfield, to visit vast worlds beyond my own and I took it. It was a strange and invigorating experience.”
When asked what these alternate universes were like, “Inner Hammer” responded, “they were each their own, small heaven with some distinctive characteristic as you traveled from one to another. For example, one world was all old-fashioned candy shoppes where no payment was accepted. The candy was merely free nectar from some mysterious but benevolent god.”
“Inner Hammer” was then asked what prompted him to bother to return from such enchanted environments.
“In the last universe, I was permitted to pop unlimited vag. Frankly, I’m a little chafed.”
The executive is expected to return to small pizza matters tomorrow.
Area Racks Now Featuring Balloons
By Bernie Keebler
Lankville Action News YES! Team
Bernie Keebler
Area racks are now featuring balloons, sources are confirming.
“Yes, we’re witnessing quite a preponderance of these “balloon racks”,” noted local analyst Gene Shelby, Jr., who made use of air quotation marks in his utterance. “You can find them generally at the end of long aisles or sometimes near restrooms. They come in variety packs– in other words, one can attain a diverse quantity of these “balloons” that, when “inflated” will reveal a manifold series of shapes, colors and sizes.” (Shelby utilized air quotation marks again).
The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.
“I’m pleased about it,” noted Lankville business magnate and former mall-dweller Ric Royer. “As most are aware, I have had a complex relationship with balloons in the past. Yet, I still welcome their appearance. We had several racks at the mall!” (Royer became very loud at the end of his last sentence before abruptly ending the interview).
Sources are conflicted as to who owns the racks.
“We are not exactly sure,” stated area grocery store employee Gary Sparklers. “I lock the door at night and open the door in the morning. Sometime during the night, they are restocked. It’s mysterious and confounding.”
Sparklers was suddenly shoved into a large display freezer which was then tipped over. He is currently recovering at a local hospital.
“Data indicates you’ll be seeing more of these “balloons”,” added Shelby, again utilizing air quotations for reasons unclear.
Catching Up with President Pondicherry
File Photo
By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent Lankville Action News YES! Team
Larry “God” Peters had a chance to sit down with President Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. in someone’s garage.
LP: Interesting venue.
AP: It serves its purpose. I like that the door is up and you can see out into the street.
LP: Let’s talk about Lankville. Were you present at the meeting about the rise of Challenges in the country?
AP: No. On my way to the hotel, I was rear-ended by a mysterious truck. I got out to exchange insurances and the driver threw a sack over my head, punched me repeatedly and shoved me in the back of a waiting sedan. I passed out for awhile and when I woke up I was in a hole, being buried alive.
LP: Sounds like quite a night!
President Pondicherry’s official portrait.
AP: Fortunately, two kindly men, who, for reasons unclear were visiting a graveyard in the middle of the night, came along and rescued me.
LP: Well, let’s get back to Lankville. We have some controversial things going on. Let’s start with business magnate Ric Royer living in a mall.
AP: Well, we simply can’t have that. We have a great number of young people and halfwits that simply cannot be exposed to that lifestyle.
LP: And what about the news that Inner Hammer disappeared into a cornfield?
AP: I’m fine with that. Not everything can be explained analytically.
LP: Anything else of note.
AP: Yes. Someone tried to bury me alive.
LP: Alright, thanks a lot.
Peters suddenly terminated the interview.
News of the Weird: Business Tycoon “Inner Hammer” Disappears Into Local Cornfield
Unflattering File Photo
By Graahaam Fosdick
The body of small pizza tycoon “Inner Hammer” suddenly vanished while walking along the edge of a cornfield, sources are now reporting.
“He turned and waved and laughed like a little girl as the corn tickled his chin and then his body just evaporated,” said Inner Hammer’s Teets Island girlfriend via an interpreter. “It was alternately both magical and monstrous.” [Editor’s note: Mr. Fosdick has added some literary embellishments to the Islander’s account].
Authorities were called to the scene and although the field was minutely combed for several hours, no signs of Inner Hammer could be found.
“There was nothing,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “Not even so much as a bit of tissue, a fibrous entity or a lightweight pants-filament. We discovered several other corpses, of course, but that’s par for the course.”
Gee-Temple then suddenly voided his bowels and the interview had to be ended prematurely.
One of the few known photographs of “Inner Hammer”.
When asked if Inner Hammer had ever dissolved in such a manner before, the Islander girlfriend exclaimed, “Not in the twenty minutes that I’ve known him.”
The area has been placed on an “amber alert” and signs above highways are posting unflattering photographs of the small pizza magnate.
At press time, police are reporting no significant leads. “We’ve had some calls where people have complained about the Inner Hammer brand frozen pizzas and how, when you open the packaging, all the cheese sort of explodes off the pizza when it makes contact with the air but other than that, I’m afraid we’ve received nothing of value,” noted Gee-Temple.
Police will continue with their investigation today.
Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Green Cross
File Photo
By Ric Royer
The Green Cross came to the home. Two men clad in white coats set up a blood station in the dining hall. Volunteers were requested and, bored, I elected to participate.
Ten of us patients filed in.
“ALRIGHT SHITS,” said one of the Green Cross Men. “Get your pants off and your milky white asses in the fucking air!”
I had never heard of blood being taken from the rear but I did as I was told and had a needle roughly jammed in, perilously close to the anus.
“Fuck. Sorry about that. Missed the cheek,” said the Green Cross Man. “Like a god damn can of corn,” he said mysteriously.
Warden Jenness sauntered in. He gave a short speech, as is his wont.
“It is important what you men are doing. I congratulate you heartily on your extraordinary efforts. From the buried veins of the ass grows mighty trees.”
He slapped me viciously before I could hoist my pants. The sound resonated throughout the nearly-empty dining hall.
We were given heavy cookies and punch by a fat nurse who appeared from somewhere. The Green Cross Men packed up the blood station quickly, hauling the entire thing out in two medium-sized suitcases.
Then, we were led back to our cells.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK