Archive
Columnist Hadbawnik Nabs Ph.D.
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Daily News contributor David Hadbawnik has nabbed a Ph.D., sources are confirming.
“It’s true,” the columnist affirmed, when we accosted him outside the room where he successfully defended his doctoral thesis. “I feel great, feel like I’m ready to take the next step forward and wait for the opportunity to give academia 110% all the time. I’m in the best shape of my life,” Dr. Hadbawnik added.
Dr. David Hadbawnik
Hadbawnik’s thesis, a study of various medieval Lankville poets, was praised by a professor and panel member who refused to be identified.
“It’s a great piece of scholarship and Dr. Hadbawnik has a great attitude. He worked hard and if he didn’t always have his best stuff, he battled. He’s happy to be here– he’s a professional scholar.”
In appreciation of Hadbawnik’s achievement, The Lankville Daily News named the scholar a “Senior Correspondent” early this afternoon.
“We don’t have many senior correspondents,” noted editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff. “But Dr. Hadbooner [sic] is the kind of guy we can rely on. He’s a great clubhouse guy and he takes things one day at a time and he always has his game face on. With this honor, he’s really made a statement. It’s a statement Ph.D., it really is.”
Dr. Hadbawnik did not outline any specific celebration of his achievement.
“Probably just a quiet dinner at the Casa Montecristo,” he stated. “It’s an elegant reception hall,” he added after a long silence.
OPINION: Just Because I Throw Knives Into Cardboard Boxes Hidden Under My Bedspread Doesn’t Mean I’m Crazy
By Pump Minger
There’s snow on the road. Two rudimentary tire tracks cut through it and the going is treacherous. Pop is driving– my wife is in the passenger seat. I’m alone in the back.
They came to me this morning in my room.
Ambers (that’s my wife) began crying. “Pump,” she said, “your Dad is here. We’re going…well, we’re going to take you somewhere today. Go ahead and put the knives down.”
I put them down. I could see her looking at the square-shaped protrusions that stuck out like strange towers from beneath my flower-patterned bedspread. And the gashes. Hundreds of them– they were everywhere. They were even in the wall where I had missed.
“Where are we going?” I said.
“Well, just for a ride, that’s all.”
Dad stormed in. “What the hell is this?” he yelled, pointing at the bed. He ripped the bedspread straight off revealing my series of cardboard boxes with the targets that I had drawn on.
“Doesn’t even make any god damn sense,” he said quietly. “Christ, you can’t even see the targets.”
Then, we were driving. I watched carefully as we passed through long stretches of wooded area deep in the Lankville suburbs. Nobody said anything.
We pulled up in front of an ancient, imposing building. I knew it. Everybody knows it. The Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness or, as it’s more commonly-known, “The Laughing Academy”. It’s hard time.
“Why are we here?” I said.
“Maybe because you throw knives into cardboard boxes hidden under your god damn bedspread,” Pop said under his breath. I could hear him though. My wife began crying.
We were met at the front door by a man in a white coat. It was stained with sauce. He took me to a small office.
“Pamp, let’s talk for a moment about the knives,” he said.
“It’s Pump.”
“Let’s talk about the knives. You throw them into cardboard boxes that you’ve hidden under your bedspread. Tell me about that.”
“It’s just a hobby. What? It don’t mean anything.”
He coughed. He looked embarrassed. Then, he rustled around in some papers in a folder.
“It doesn’t mean I’m crazy, doc. It’s just some cardboard boxes hidden under my bedspread. I just..I throw knives into them, that’s all.”
“These papers indicate that the cardboard boxes have targets drawn on them,” he noted. “Let’s talk about that.”
A hanging lamp suddenly became disengaged from the ceiling and smashed him in the head. The light bulb popped like a firecracker.
I pressed on. “I get the cardboard boxes myself. I go out and find them. I find them so I can throw the knives…”
I was getting off point and I knew it. He had me. He knew it. He brushed the pieces of light bulb out of his hair confidently.
Now I’m in a cell, looking out at the snow.
Don’t think it makes me crazy though. I really don’t.
I Want to Tell You About How Me and My New Boyfriend Went and Got Pizza
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO MUCH about how me and my new boyfriend went and got pizza!
I just about DIED when he asked me. I was watching him skateboard over at the community half-pipe and he suddenly cruised over and said, “Ash– you and me…tonight…pizza.” I couldn’t believe it. Then he said, “Ash, this Ollie I’m about to pop– it’s for you baby.” OH MY GOD, I thought I was going to pass out I was so nervous and shaky! He ended up falling over an orange cone a bunch of times but then he actually did it and he blew me a kiss. We are so in love!
Later, I waited for him by the door. My Dad kept saying, “When are you going to bring this young man in to meet us?” but I was just like, “DAD, STOP!” My heart was racing a mile a minute when I saw him come up the walk. He had even borrowed his grandmom’s station wagon. He’s so cute, I know he likes me!
When we got in the car he said, “Ash, I want to kiss you hard before we wolf pizza.” I giggled and he put on the radio and we kissed really, really passionately. Then, he pushed back his bangs and started the car and we drove out to the Pizza A-Round, which is where all the kids hang out sometimes.
It’s the pizza my new boyfriend bought for me.
A guy who didn’t seem to be a host or even a waiter and who was soaking wet and confused showed us to a table.
“Did you see that goof, Ash?” my new boyfriend said. “What a goof! That’s not gonna’ be me Ash. That’s NOT gonna’ be me.”
“I know,” I said. “You’re working really hard on your skateboarding.”
“You make me better, Ash,” he said. Then some breaksticks came.
We just have so much in common.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
THIS JUST IN!
By Sarah Samways
Sarah Samways is a contributing female.
DUMB BITCH CAN’T CONNECT
Dubbed the town’s “dumb bitch,” Abby Basic, 25, was seen running around town trying to plug cords and various wires into people as if they were wall sockets. Lifting up people’s shirts and pulling down their pants in local eateries and teen hangouts, Basic attempted to plug disconnected phone chargers, power adapters, and extension cords into patrons’ orifices. Chef and restaurateur of the popular 4 ¾ starred X86 Bistro, Mark Garabedian, was “…in complete shock” and had to restrain Basic himself with the help of an unnamed busboy.
“It was horrible. This awful woman barged in past the maître d’, covered head-to-toe in all these wires that weren’t plugged into anything and then was harassing all the patrons. She kept yelling ‘I’m trying to connect!’ and then proceeded to literally plug people. I ended up having to grab her myself before the authorities got here. Plus, the bouillabaisse had too much saffron in it. It was an absolute nightmare,” said Garabedian.
Although most patrons were unharmed and only sustained minor injuries to their psyches, one local man was sent to the hospital. While sipping the bouillabaisse, the man, who wished to remain anonymous at press time, was accosted from behind as Basic managed to briefly insert a Reckoner power cord into his buttocks. “It hurt like hell and I’m traumatized for life. The bouillabaisse was a little over-spiced but all in all, the decor was nice and the general ambience of the place was pleasant so yeah, I’d go again,” said the unidentified man from a gurney. Basic was immediately deemed mentally unstable for trial and will be sent to the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness for treatment.
X86 Bistro is located in the Jewelry District of downtown Lankville and serves an exotic array of international cuisine. Open Monday through Saturday for lunch and dinner, reservations must be made 3 days prior. Menu and tap water are available upon request.
THIS JUST IN!
WORLD AWAITS WRITER’S EPIPHANY
Poet Laureate, Best-Selling Book Author, Avid Reader, and Quicker Picker-Upper, Virginia Branches, is in what some are calling “a deep funk.” In Branches’ formative years as a struggling intern at our very own Lankville Daily News, she was often attributed with the superlative “Most Likely to Do Something.” Writing thousands of articles, each one “a gem,” she soon went on to write a series of successful young adult novels about a girl who only communicates in iambic pentameter, much to the dismay of everyone else around her. These novels were then turned into arthouse plays which were then transformed into blockbuster movies, garnering Branches much fame and fortune.
Another stock image we bought off a guy in an alley.
It’s been five years since Branches’ last piece, an open love letter to persona non grata Carlisle Cordate, was published in numerous newspapers, magazines, and electronic formats around the world. Hailed by critics as “brave, very stupid, and lovely,” Love Letter, quickly became the most translated work by a living author in Lankville’s history. Not long after its publicity however, Branches went into hiding and wasn’t “heard from” in any written form ever since. A source close to Branches suggested “…she has nothing left to say,” while others are more skeptical, believing Branches to be sitting on work in order to build momentum for another best-seller. Whatever the case may be, the world awaits her words.
THIS JUST IN!
WOMAN DISGUSTED BY OPEN JAR OF MAYONNAISE
“Are you kidding me with this shit?” exclaimed area woman, Jazzy Juniper, 58, at the recent Collateral Condiments Convention held at Vitiello Hams Arena. Connaisseurs of liquids and sauces alike rejoiced as local chefs dazzled the heart and stomach with taste testings and recipe demonstrations. Gilbert Guy-Gui and Felicia Weakforce, stars of the racy flick 22 Stains of Mustard based upon the popular paperback of the same name were on site, signing autographs and taking pictures with fans. When Juniper approached their table, she noticed an open container of mayonnaise sitting near the edge. Apparently so outraged by the condiment’s color, texture, odor, lack of refrigeration and general “glistening,” she ripped out a lock of Weakforce’s hair and punched Guy-Gui in the face. “How could you let this happen?!” Juniper yelled as security escorted the deranged woman out of the arena.
Juniper has been assigned a court appointed lawyer who could not be reached for further comments, questions, or concerns.
The Man I Was by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Me as a Young Man
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
The man I was. Just look at me.
I spent many days with that pillow shoved callously between my body and the side of that Queen Anne’s chair. A pillow was just a pillow then- back before I began to have sympathy for the feelings of all things. Now, it makes me terribly sad to look at such a cute inanimate object rejected like that. I wish the “me of now” could tell the “me of then” about the imminent years of horrifying relentless inner torment and the endless journeys of fear, discovery and self-reflection. Perhaps the “me of then” would not be so easily inclined to hoarding the “free space” of the chair. All space is free. No man may claim it.
Clearly, I did.
The “me of then” also smoked three packs of cigarettes of day. It was because he (I will go ahead and call him he– he is foreign to me now) needed succor and sustenance and he sought it in those now mysterious objects purchased by the carton late at night at distant gas stations. He would drive all night, polluting our common shared spaces with cigarette smoke– exhaling it all over trees, grass and, most importantly, all over feelings.
Fortunately, my addiction is now to my patients and to keeping them away from becoming boys like this. My patients are men, men with feelings– men with feelings who buy some of the nice things I currently have available– caller ID component, fits most standard telephones, $9.99, one of those ball shape toys for babies missing one shape, $9.99, lots of other great stuff.
Make an appointment today. Be the you of now, not the you of then.
This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston, expert on men’s feelings.
Run to the Hills, Part Two
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
So I found myself in a pretty rough spot, I was up in the rugged Hill Country of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville kidnapped by the Cameron tribe and taken to see somebody or something called “The Great Addaric”. The worst part, I was desperately hungry– being taken before my lunch break at the “Pizza-A-Round”. My thoughts turned to the “Pizza Eggwich” I was going to make on my break. This cutting edge idea I had been working on for awhile and was looking forward to tasting my test product. The constant pushing, poking, and prodding by the Cameron Hill People kept bringing me back to reality.
“Keep moving chubby,” their leader (whose name was “Shifty Eyes”) said. “We will be to “The Great Addaric soon!”
The beautiful but dangerous Hill Country of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville
Who was this Addaric jerk? And why had “Shifty Eyes” called me “The Great Bumpkin” earlier? (please see last article). These folks, much like their city namesakes, were not very friendly and were entirely unresponsive to my questioning. The steep rocky path they had me walking up was surrounded by heavy woods and a deep underbrush. It turned out to be an excellent ambush point for out of nowhere came another group of hill people. They advanced screaming their warrior cries and waving their weapons (some clearly had handmade weapons like spears and others had things collected from “city folk” like hubcaps). Having no idea who they were or what was going on I collapsed into my “defensive fetal position” which I learned in my old High School days.
This new group quickly drove off the Cameron tribe without much bloodshed. I was picked up and whisked away to the safety of the other side of the hill. The men put me down on my feet then they got down on one knee. They chanted “The Great Bumpkin” for a few minutes. Then the one who was clearly the leader of this group stood up and grabbed my shoulders, smiling.
“Great leader, cousin, dare I say friend, you have finally come to us!” He went on to say his name was “Franz” the leader of the Schropp Hill People!
I was overjoyed meeting my hill kinfolk and went around to shake each of their hands, grateful they had saved me. There was “Strong Fist”, “Dory”, “Hamburger”, “Merle” and “Sweet Berry” among many others. They got on their knees again and started to chant “The Great Bumpkin”.
“Come on guys, get up!” I was slightly embarrassed by all this but yet l did like the attention. “What is this Great Bumpkin thing about anyways?”
Franz grabbed my shoulders again “You!! Part man, part bumpkin. The one sent to the Schropp Hill People to save us!”
“Really? Did my folks contact you?” My mom and dad had tried over the years to pawn me off to various relations “for a break”.
“Our elders have spoken of you often. A special, sweet and tender person who was blessed with certain powers. Powers advanced to us hill people. Powers over magical food from your cities.”
“Hamburger” advanced and pulled a prepackaged breakfast sandwich out of his hill attire. “Great power, great power,” he mumbled.
“Not sure what is so powerful or magical about this but with the proper equipment I could make it for you.”
The group stepped back in astonishment “ohhhing” and “ahhhing”.
Schropp Hill People L to R- “Hamburger”, “Franz”, “Strong Fist”, “Sweet Berry”
I was then taken to meet the rest of my people were which was not far, they had set up a makeshift community of huts and tents by a river. After another warm greeting I was taken to a tent where I was finally able to
eat something. The women had prepared a rabbit stew (which was delightful) and then one brought some strips of beef jerky. “Magic food for you Great Bumpkin”. The jerky was a bit tough but topped off the stew nicely. I was then given new clothes to dress in which were a combination of deer skin and trash bags.
Franz took me on a tour of their mobile village– not only did they carry their tents and huts with them but they had a lot of older appliances (like microwave ovens and deep fryers) which they must have stolen from dumpsters on the outskirts of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville. I could see they wanted to use these things to cook “magical food” but of course it was beyond them. If only there was some sort of power source where we could hook all this up and teach them.
After the tour Franz and I sat down to talk. It seems that the Schropp and Cameron hill tribes were two of the most powerful clans around. For many generations they lived side by side, tensions would flare up every once in awhile but mostly they lived peacefully. It wasn’t until last year that this “Great Addaric” showed up and starting helping the Camerons. My people seemed very frightened of this character– so much so that they soon fled their lands and went on the run.
I started to ask Franz what they were so scared of but we were interrupted by a commotion from outside. The cries and yells of the women, children and most of the men from my tribe told me I was going to find out sooner than later what “The Great Addaric” was all about.
”The Not So Great Addaric”
I heard a loud distorted voice coming from the edge of the camp. “RUN YOU IDIOTS-RUN AWAY FROM MY POWERS!!”
I had to convince not only Franz but also “Strong Fist” and “Hamburger” to follow me. Pushing pass my kinfolk I made my way outside and was utterly shocked by who I found.
“Nate?”
Nate Grossenbaum was a dude I knew in High School– very much a loner who was into role playing games and goth music. He was now dressed in total black wearing some strange device he had rigged up to distort his voice and create this neon lighting effect that came out of his hands. I was pretty sure most of his outfit was an old laser tag game from our youth.
It took a moment for him to recognize me, most likely because of my new hill outfit. But once he did the lighting soon stopped from his hands and in a very human voice he yelled “Shit!!”. Nate took off back into the woods almost as if the Old Deep Northern Suburban Leathbacks high school football team was after him again.
“Come on tribe after him!!” I knew we had momentum on our side and we needed to get to this fool and find out what his deal was.
Next week all will be revealed in my final installment from the hill country!! Until then, Happy Eating-Bri
The Five Mistakes You Made at the Epic Poetry Recital Contest
By Pa-hinn Cruikshank
Lankville’s epic poetry recital scene is, well, epic. Ever since Ulf Egilsson emigrated from a foreign place to the Lankville Partial Icy Regions many generations ago, carrying his father on his back along with household gods and the songs, poems, and dirges of his homeland in his heart, Lankville has prided itself on maintaining the tradition: The tradition of epic poetry recitals that last eight days and usually end with several deaths and a new “Scop König” (poet-king) being crowned. But entering the recital contest is not for the feint of heart; we have compiled these common rookie mistakes to help you survive with your head intact and your sagas successfully sung. Herewith, the mistakes you made:
1) You decided to recite the challenging “Lankvillüngen Cycle.” With its complex contrapuntal rhythms, its erotic theme of incestuous bestiality, and its famous “middle section” composed of nothing but Old Lank-vowel sounds spat out in a syncopated staccato, the Cycle is a popular recital choice. But it requires a good deal of fortitude – not to mention a practiced tongue and, often, a cleft palate, to perform just right.
Don’t wear one of these to your epic poetry recital
2) You tried to do a “call and response” thing. Another common pitfall for neophyte recitalists: attempting to rouse an audience sedated by hours of grog, mead, and mutton to follow along and shout back alliterative lines of epic verse. Good luck with that – and get ready to duck, as the “response” is likely to be a half-eaten turkey leg hurled with great gusto from the back row of the hall!
3) You laughed during Rocky Dalrimple’s recital. This didn’t seem like a mistake at the time; after all, Rocky’s epic poetry is unquestionably hilarious, full of uncanny doppelgängers, unexpected scenes of exploding eyeballs and gullets, and sexually active septuagenarians. The problem is that it’s all true. Every last word is something that Rocky (or his illustrious but star-crossed family) personally experienced. Laugh about the Dalrimples’ misadventures in the privacy of your own home – but never, ever let a guffaw escape during the epic poetry recital contest.
Don’t wear one of these to your epic poetry recital either
4) You used props. Newsflash: No one has been able to pull off the “scarab-encrusted horned helmet” look since at least Snorri Egilsson, great-grandson of Ulf and master epic poet. And while you thought it was clever to bring along that cross-section from the Old Pondicherry Square Oak, representing the ephemeral life of man and the ever-expanding ripples of the universe, the subtlety of the metaphor was a bit lost on the boys in the back row. Perhaps you decided to “go big,” and actually dig up the head of Uncle Billy to illustrate the gruesome conclusion of the “Bönkersaga,” that familiar Lankville favorite. Still a bad move – you never want your prop to overshadow your poem.
5) You went home with some epic poetry groupies. Congratulations! You survived your first epic poetry recital contest, and while you weren’t crowned Scop König, you endured the endless toasts and challenges and blood sacrifices and emerged with your dignity intact. Until those strapping ladies who hang on every syllable, with long golden tresses and names like Hilgar and Ůnferth and Wealhtheow, took you aside and flattered your recitation of the Lankvellir-round, with the result that instead of reporting dutifully at your job in the Office of Financial Interests at Southern Lankville University, you found yourself waxed to the gills and going on “raids” up and down the Partial Icy Regions coastline.
And yet – like almost any new initiate in the ways of the Lankville epic poetry recital contest: you’ve made it! The hard part is over, and next year you can come back better than ever, thanks to experience and lessons learned.
Area Jackass Has, Like, Fucking Trash in His Front Yard
By Zach Keebaugh
STORIES THAT AFFECT YOU
CENTRAL LANKVILLE– An area jackass has nothing but, like, fucking trash in his front yard.
The jackass, who has been identified as Mr. Coven Slides, a Tungsten Inert Gas Welder, had little to say about the fucking trash when challenged.
ZK: What’s with the fucking trash, old man?
CS: The wood was all part of a shed that was in the backyard. It was in the backyard for years and then it wasn’t. Then, it was in the front yard and it was broken up like that. That’s also when that big cart was there.
Would you just look at the fucking trash that this area jackass has?
ZK: The Lankville Daily News is not buying that shit explanation, man.
Mr. Slides just shrugged his shoulders and walked away. Later, we saw him inside the big shitty cart.
Calls to the Central Lankville Sanitation Department were answered.
“We know about Mr. Slides,” noted Sanitation Director Rudy Sakata. “His yard does have a lot of trash in it. But in that photo you faxed over, one can clearly see a blue trash can. We took that to mean that Mr. Slides is taking care of the issue.”
“The old man is all, like, acting like he doesn’t know how the trash got there,” I said. “It’s a big mind game if you want my opinion,” I countered.
“Well, there’s that wood cart there. And the cart is full. Clearly, some things are happening,” said Sakata.
My toaster pizzas were done then so, you know, I cut the interview short.
Mr. Keebaugh’s story also suddenly ended.
Run To The Hills- My Adventures In The Hill Country Of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville PART ONE
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
I was up to my elbows in dishwater all the time now. Business had picked up at the “Pizza-A-Round” and my “cleaning team” was struggling to keep up. The added pressure of trying to answer the phones since Martha was now gone (please see my thrilling “To Catch A Thief” articles) didn’t help.
“BRIAN!!” Scott screamed from the prep line, hands deep in the dough of a “meat buster” calzone during a mid-afternoon rush. “These containers are filthy!!”
I looked over to my crew, Oscar and Omar. “Clean-clean!!” I yelled at them holding up a plastic container lid I was soaking in my “manager sink”. The scowls and curses (I think they were cursing I am not fluent in Soutwestern Lankvillian) I received back told me they understood.
Oscar and Omar- my “cleaning team”
A little while later Scott came storming back waving an earlier phone order in my face. “All these orders you took are messed up, either the damn address was not correct or you goofed up the order!! Do you know how much money this cost me?!! The laundry bill for the drivers to have their outfits cleaned from the angry customers who threw the food back at them in disgust will be in the hundreds alone!” He paused to calm down but couldn’t catch his breath when he saw the dishes. “Are you clowns even using hot water?! How many freakin’ times do we need to go over this?!!”
I lifted the plastic lid I was still scrubbing away at to the boys. “Hot water-hot water! Clean-clean!!” Then I banged the lid twice on the rim of my “manager sink” to drive home the point. I hoped using some of my “managerial muscle” would calm my boss down and get him off my back. Unfortunately he looked over by the emergency door.
His “Scott look” went into full overdrive. “WHAT THE HELL—-WHY HASN’T THE TRASH BEEN TAKEN OUT?!!!!”
The firing of another employee– Danny “Elf Boy” Finlay (again folks see my last two exciting articles) left the slot of trash duties open. With no one picking up the slack a week’s worth of trash collected into a disgusting mess. Well “the shit hit the pizza fan” so to speak (please pardon the obscenity, Mom) and my team was put in charge of trash detail. I tried my best in simple English and broken Southwestern Lankvillian to instruct Oscar and Omar to help me. They either didn’t seem to understand or want to help. So my next few hours were spent pulling apart sticky trash bags and taking the stinky, pungent bags to the dumpster.
Our dumpsters are located behind the strip mall we are in with a wooded area behind that. Yes it was a big task but I soon got into the “Bri Zone” in which I tune out the world and get lost in my thoughts. A few times I thought I heard some rustling in the woods but I put it out of my mind. At worst it was probably just some super squirrels and if they became a problem I would just go back inside and get one of Scott’s many handguns.
The man by the dumpsters
It wasn’t until I was nearing the end of my trash run that the source of the rustling noise became clear. When I was coming back with the final two bags there was a guy in front of them wearing a caveman like outfit and holding a spear. I was closer to him than our emergency door so I stood still– afraid that any movement might set him off. After a few moments I decided to break the ice.
“Are you here to pick up a order? You will need to go around front.”
He took a moment and then pointed his spear at me. “You-Great Bumpkin–you-come with me.”
“Wait a sec, are you homeless? If so, you better scram before Scott finds you out here.” Then it clicked. “You’re a hill person!! I can’t believe I’m seeing one in the flesh.” How could this be? I have never heard of any hill people willingly coming into the modern Deep Northern Suburban area. Was he lost? Like some sort of rabid racoon wandering far from home? Before I could inquire further I noticed another one dressed in the same cave rags out of the corner of my eye. This one was very quick and before I had time to even react I was knocked out by his spear.
As in typical form when I am knocked out (which seems to happen a great deal to me) I heard the sweet choruses of bumpkins and I fell into a blinding white light–
When I awoke I was far inside the Hill Country of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville. I recognized the area instantly from the text books of my high school days and travel brochures I saw as a kid (there used to be travel tours of this area which stopped a number of years ago when too many tourists were being attacked.) My arms and legs were tied to a giant stick that was being carried by the two who knocked me out. I hung upside down like a hog going to the “Lankville Pork Fest” for slaughter. I was also gagged and they wouldn’t respond to my muffled request for some water or some type of light snack (I was getting hungry because I had missed lunch break). They carried my mass up a steep hillside and to a clearing where a group of other hill people were waiting. Not one looked too pleasant.
A picture of some of the beautiful yet deadly Hillside Country
I was dropped rather roughly in front of this group. The one who was clearly the leader of the tribe came forward and cut the bonds off my arms and legs and then took the gag out of my mouth. This man vaguely reminded me of someone but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. He stood me up and took a good look at me. He nodded to the two who had brought me. “Yes this is him. You have done well, the Great Addanc will be pleased.” Two others from the group snatched an arm and started to drag me off. The leader walked beside us.
“Don’t worry chubby one this will be over for you soon. Your powers of wielding mighty breakfast sandwiches can not hurt us because the Great Addanc protects our tribe. Once we give you to him he will give us great powers and make us strong!! Then we, Tribe Cameron will rule the Hill Country!!”
I realized to my horror who this tribe leader reminded me of– Hank Cameron, my mortal enemy and manager of Foodville. These were his distant hillside cousins and they were taking me to some sort of danger I knew nothing about!!
Please keep an eye out for Pt.2 where things even take a stranger turn!! Until then please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas!!
BRI
Rare Plants in a Fragile Ecosystem
Sarah Samways, Contributing Female
I sat down with horticulturist extraordinaire, Sally Bolting, as she explained to me the ways in which to care for rare plants in a fragile ecosystem. Lankville, although most notably attributed with having vast and shiny malls, also contains sprawling gardens and intricately designed shrubs. I promise they’re there, right behind the malls and to the left. Yes, those.
Sally Bolting
BOLTING: The key to every garden is patience, persistence, and potting soil. I call ‘em the three Ps…
SAMWAYS: Is there a particular brand of potting soil that you would suggest to our readers?
SB: (long pause) It’s dirt. You’re missing the point, here. Now, shut up and listen. You see these bright, yellow Fidgetywhatsits? These crimson Welldontchaknows? They need sustenance every three hours; water and sunlight on their leaves is necessary on a consistent basis.
SS: Really? That seems like overkill.
SB: In order to maintain their lovely hues and prevent their buds from maturing, you’ve really gotta be on top of them. It sounds strange but once their buds bloom, they die.
SS: Isn’t that logic backward, somehow?
A garden in the woods behind the mall.
SB: Well, what with the Lankville smog and all, the process of photosynthesis in Lankvillian plants is completely different than the norm. That’s what makes these things so fantastic and rare.
SS: Ah, I see. What are these big purple ones? It appears as if you’ve sprayed them with glitter…
SB: Funnily enough, I didn’t. These are called Velvet Violences and they’re quite the show-stopper in any garden and that glitter effect you see is actually a defense mechanism against predatory insects that may try to feed upon it.
SS: Wow! How does that work?
SB: The details on how this process really works is still being studied in labs but basically, these flowers excrete this odorless, goo-like substance, or glitter, if you will, all over their petals whenever a insect tries to feed.
SS: Oh, so it’s a attract and repel type of thing?
SB: In layman’s terms, I suppose. They’re completely harmless otherwise. Basic hydration and general culling techniques are best for these, they make for a pretty hardy plant throughout the year.
SS: Spring has truly sprung! Now what are all these wonderful vines that surround us? They’re absolutely stunning and correct me if I’m wrong, but are we walking through a patch of ivy?
SB: You are wrong and we are not and don’t touch any of it. It’s all poisonous, touch it and prepare to die.
Silently, we then walked out of the tunnel of unidentified poisons. I attempted to rehash our interview by pointing out different plants along the way but was unsuccessful. Sally Bolting sure is one tough old broad.
This is Me, Getting Into My Van
IMPORTANT MOMENTS IN LANKVILLE LIFE
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking- okay, it’s a picture of a bald guy getting into a van. Pretty ordinary. Kind of thing you see everyday in Lankville.
Well, what if I told you that guy is me?
You’re reading a little closer now, aren’t you?
Let me tell you a little more about this photograph.
I had stopped for lunch at a gas station on the summit of a mountain. I live on the mountain but not quite on the summit, see. I live a little further down but not at all far from the summit understand– just a quick five-minute drive. The thing about the summit is– you gotta’ have some money to live up there– what with that view and everything. Most of the people that live up there– they got these above ground pools in their yards. Yeah, that’s the kind of green we’re talking about.
They got a little gas station with a bistro attached and a couple of umbrellas thrown out for effect. They also got a hobby shop nearby, a place where you can buy those little wrapped trees for your porch and a Dollar Bush. So, again, you get the picture of the kind of place the summit is.
Anyways, I had just finished off a quarter pounder roast chuck sandwich with fries. They cut the fries into little animal shapes– makes me laugh. I’m coming out to the old girl– she’s a ’97 Neptune Argosy (big enough to camp in, I’ve done it) and a guy standing over by the pumps says, “Hey, you, the squat sort of person over there– do you want your picture taken being as how you’re on the summit of the mountain?” Hell, I’m not going to lie– I thought it was a little weird. But then I kind of came around to the idea– after all, I was on the summit. And I couldn’t think of any photos of myself with the old Neptune (except the thousands I took when I first bought her). Thought it could be something I could share with the grandchildren even though I’m going to be dead before I have any grandchildren because I’m 47 and divorced and childless and have no prospects at all because I don’t live on the summit but rather deep in the woods just on one side of the mountain but whatever, a guy can dream can’t he?
Well, this guy asks for my phone number and tries to send me the photograph. But on account of us being on the summit of a mountain, we can’t get any kind of signal and the guy says, “Hey, listen, when I get down off the summit, I’ll send this to you.” Well, I thought that was a heck of an idea so I says, “Yeah sure, do that, would you?” And he looks at me for a long time and then he says, “You bet I will.” And you know what? I could tell he meant it.
And he did. Because, sure enough, the next time I left the mountain (about two months later), there it was– popped right up on my flip-top.
And now, I can share it with you Lankville.
Pizza Cabin Launches Cookie Pizza!
By Bernie Keebler
MEANINGFUL BUSINESS NEWS
Pizza Cabin today is rolling out a 12-inch chocolate chip cookie that will be sliced like a pizza – and delivered like one, if you like.
The cookie, officially dubbed the “Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie that Resembles a Pizza” is part of a partnership with Royer Chocolates. It will be $7.99 with a pizza, or $8.99 separately. The cookie is available for dine-in, pick-up, air-drop, or delivery at any one of Pizza Cabin’s 87 Lankville locations.
The new Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookie that Resembles a Pizza from Pizza Cabin.
“Everyone at Pizza Cabin is ecstatic,” said Carney Mounted, chief marketing officer. “Our fans are in for an amazing, mind-blowing experience.”
“This isn’t your everyday cookie,” Mounted continued, her alabaster skin aglow with delight as she held up one of the pizza cookies to the assembled journalists. “Look at it!” she demanded. “LOOK AT IT!” she screamed. Tension crept into the room. Mounted grew hysterical. “IT’S A COOKIE THAT LOOKS LIKE A PIZZA!” she reiterated. “HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS DECENT CAN YOU CONTINUE WITHOUT EATING THIS???”
It grew darker.
The pizza cookie is an addition to Pizza Cabin’s other offering, the Ovoid Dunkers, small balls of pizza dough topped with a touch of dark chocolate and sprinkles.
“DID YOU ALL GRASP THIS?” Mounted suddenly screamed, still holding up the pizza cookie. “I NEED TO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE GRASPED THIS?”
The executive was suddenly led away by some handlers.
To highlight the cookie’s launch, Pizza Cabin will host a “bake dump” offering the cookies, with 10 percent of proceeds going to various charities.
He Said / She Said: Decoding Lankville’s Dating Lingo
By Ida Rumpus
You’re on a hot date on a Saturday night in Lankville’s swingingest scene: perhaps a quick slice at “Pizza-A-Round” followed by a movie at old Pondicherry Theater, maybe a stroll in The Woods if the conversation’s really engrossing. Things are getting intense and you suggest catching the last Subway train home, or perhaps you’re better off hailing a cab. That’s when your date turns to you and says…
Wait – what’s that? A series of words has just come out of your date’s mouth, you listened with a grin on your face and nodded idiotically, but did you really understand what was said? Luckily, the Lankville News has enlisted the aid of Men’s Feelings Expert Kevin Thurston and psychologist Winifred P. Temple to help you parse these common dating lines.
He said: “I had a really good time… I’m just not sure I’m ready to dig this tunnel with you.”
What it means: Scrape the peanut butter off your nether regions and take your arm out of that fake sling. And save the tunnel-digging until after the third date, at least.
How you feel about this closing elevator could determine the fate of your romantic life
She said: “I like the way your face remains cool, aloof, and expressionless as you regard me across the room.”
What it means: This person is confident enough to endure your disapproving gaze and the many hours of silence you’ll spend together, assuming things work out. Could be a keeper!
He said: “I was glad you quoted (famous Lankville philosopher) Nitzwald earlier, but your pronunciation was a little off.”
What it means: A classic mixed message! Rather than spend hours in front of a mirror practicing your speech, you might make better use of that time carefully basting a succulent boar’s head.
She said: “Please write to me – but only through coded messages sent by carrier pigeon. And don’t expect a response.”
What it means: You’ve got a real mystery on your hands. This is a person who enjoys the thrill of the chase and wants to see how you deal with challenges and “delayed gratification.” If you can be patient and “crack the code,” there’s no telling where this might lead!
He said: “So, have you sent any funny messages on LankLove.com lately?”
What it means: Try not to hyperventilate or show any signs of stress as you think about the fake profiles you’ve set up on the LankLove dating site to “mess with your exes.” This question is actually a signal that your date is ready for some shared tales of romantic hijinks and revenge plots gone awry. Take a deep breath, be honest, and dive right in!
She said: “Are you the type of person who rushes onto an elevator, or do you, like, take your time?”
What it means: There is no wrong answer to this question. Unfortunately, there’s no right answer, either. Getting onto an elevator too quickly can be a sign of insecurity that dates back to childhood issues with uncles and cousins, and anxieties about being locked out of your favorite shed. Sauntering slowly onto an elevator can signal that you don’t understand the basic principle of Archimedes’ screw, not to mention social niceties. It may be time to push the “going down” button on this particular date.
Barlow Foods Reorganizing Several Stores
By Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Ever hear of rebooting a grocery store?
Barlow Foods is in the middle of a “reset” at several of its stores, including locations in the Lankville Capital, the Deep Eastern Suburbs, and the Outlands.
“Each store is making carefully moderated changes to the general merchandise departments,” said founder and CEO John Barlow. “Some are perhaps noticeable to the observant customer. Others are small changes that customers won’t even notice.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“The bulk foods section at each store is relocating to where the Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section was,” noted Barlow, who was interviewed in his downtown office suite. “The Bounteous Garden Wonderland organic section, which is expanding, will move to where the Holiday Card Shop was. The Holiday Card Shop will now be found behind the lockers and the Limited Soft Shoe department, where kitchen tools are currently sold.”
Barlow produced a complicated flip chart and scanned quickly through several pages.
“We already have a large inventory of organic and gluten-free products and, very soon, customers will have even more to choose from in the Bounteous Garden Wonderland which will be expanding a few aisles into the Cake, Pastry, and Filled Doughnut Department but not effecting the revolving Juice Jenny or the Cheese Wagons,” Barlow said.
The changes are being made to accommodate the product offerings added to the Bounteous Garden Wonderland section as well as an increase in the offering of Elephantine Family Bundle items – products sold in large quantities at a quantity discount.
When asked if the changes were a response to customer requests, Barlow demurred.
“Acknowledging customer requests means acknowledging a state of lawlessness. These changes are so because I have said they will be so.”
Barlow Foods has already completed the process at other stores in the Western Lankville market. The current resets should be finished by April 15th.
Musings of a Decorative Ham Man
By Chris Vitiello
The Vitiello name that graces the packaging of every decorative ham is an ancient one.
I have traced the Vitiello’s with ease back to the famed reign of Pirrapods. Many were chandlers, house men, makers of some boats. And before that, they were to be found living on the island of La Hardy, where they flourished as builders of great but senseless stone walls.
During the Lankvillian Restoration, there was Adolphus Vitiello, a respected cleric. But the name devolved after Adolphus and generation after generation produced nothing but halfwits, teethless men and the very short. And these inferiors, in turn, married other inferiors and the pool became murky and darkness descended over the name for over three hundred years.
The past century produced my great-grandfather, Randy, a drunken repairer of sashes. It is said that he was last seen vomiting into his own hat while pushing an island prostitute into a rented hut. My grandfather, known affectionately as “The Elk” but also sometimes as “Excrement”, disappeared into a small hole. And my father. You know already about him.
These men of the past century married equally despicable women. They were of no consequence and should have been whipped mercilessly.
But now the name is enjoying a rebirth. It is to be seen on millions of decorative hams all over Lankville.
And this is the sign of greatness.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK