Archive
OPINION: I Sat Down. And then, Instantly, I Began to Sink into the Cube
By an Unfortunate Man
IMPORTANT OPINIONS
It was a white room full of stars, patches and a cube. There was a chair. It looked comfortable so I sat down. And then, instantly, I began to sink into the cube.
It lasted hours. A long transformative period inside the cube. There were great swaths of vermilion interlaced with thick globs of pallid ochre. And then I was reincarnated as a dispossessed god-figure struggling to re-establish my dominion in the far-future.
There was a great orb of a moon. It was very near and filled the night with radiance. And then they said, “stop looking at the moon velex* and step into the challenge polyhedron.”
There it was before me. A hideous, abominable polyhedron. I had no choice but to step inside.
I fought the other dispossessed god figures all night. I was the victor. Slowly, my hegemony would again be recognized.
*The author has informed us that “velex” is a synonym for “asshole” utilized only in the distant future.
Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy
By Eric “Desiree” Gelsinger
The following is a paid advertisement.
There she was, ten feet tall above me, presiding over an enchanted window. Yea, from that day forward I lived in thrall to my local pharmacist’s charms.
She appeared and disappeared. She was a goddess. Or, was she something else? I remember the hammering of my heart as I stretched to hand her a script for my warts. She was so much more mysterious than my school nurse, so much more dangerous.
I had graduated.
My early education took place in the front of the store, where I was brutalized by wonders and joy. Candy, and balloons on sticks. Trying to fit the overfull balloon on the overlong stick into the station wagon, one would pop, the other would poke you in the eye, and you’d look down to find your palms ravaged by splinters. As for the candies, you couldn’t smash them apart with a heavy scotch tape dispenser, and forget about getting your mouth around that massive wad. My classmates dislocated jaws, broke teeth, or suffocated.
But I survived to walk deeper through the store. Beneath a burned-out tube of light I wandered between the haphazard racks of toys for poor/dumb kids, and the beach toys in the dead of winter.
Sanduny Spa and Pharmacy (photo by John Barlow)
The seasons changed, I grew older. I trespassed into The Periodicals. How many hours did I spend on rubber legs, paging through those magazines under fluorescent lights that seemed to leave me helplessly exposed? Each session would last until my queasy feeling gave way to confusion, bodily weakness, and an obscure feeling of injustice that even today constitutes the foundation of my morality.
At last I came of age, and now there I was: the very back of the store. I was afraid my sneakers would squeak, and held my breath as I approached, but I made it. I stood before the tabernacle of adulthood, the pharmacy counter. And there she was . . . .
In the months and years to follow, the sexpot pharmacist reigned over my fantasies, a drug-dispensing despot. She’d take me for a “consultation” and lay me down. One by one she’d place orange-flavored aspirin on my tongue until I couldn’t feel my “sprained wrist,” or anything but a sweet torment I didn’t know by name . Then she’d walk her fingers down her stockinged leg, and from her perfumed shoe insert produce my eczema crème. Her gaze trained upon my face, she’d crush the sweet metallic tube until every last ounce was surrendered like a charcoal snake to her milking fist.
And at last, the expert application. All over again, yet for the first time, I was faced with the problem of stuffing an over-inflated balloon and unmanageable stick into a confined space
What was she thinking during all this? It was impossible to say. She was so professional, so in control. I, needless to say, was not. I’d open my mouth to speak but she put a finger to my lips – a finger that glistened within a mitten of hydrocortisone crème which webbed her ministering digits with gunky clumps.
When I came to, it hit me. Just what Lankville needed. Yes, some say Lankville has it all, what with our Sanduny Spa and other things. But only now does Lankville truly have it all. Introducing THE SANDUNY SPA & PHARMACY featuring Lanvkille’s own TOPLESS PHARMACISTS! One hundred percent zero top on (make that, not on!) every pharmacist supplying you with fungal crèmes, rosacea treatments, scabies cures, foot-odor palliatives, obesity pills, impotence remedies, and all the rest of your pharmacy needs.
So come on down to the Sanduny Spa & Pharmacy. Tell them Desiree sent you. She always does.
Still a Little Miffed That Nobody Loaned Me Their Boombox
By Zach Keebaugh
So, this isn’t an official Lankville article or anything but I just wanted to say that I’m a little miffed that nobody loaned me their boombox. What’s up people?
About a week ago, I let everybody know that my new squeeze Pat and I were going camping and that we needed a boombox. I figured on getting at least three or four boombox options from readers. Instead, I got nothing. I couldn’t believe it.
Pat wasn’t happy about it. We went camping anyway but we didn’t have much of a time. Pat needs music. Me, I don’t care none but Pat likes it. Anyway, we broke up.
Just hope that next time I need a boombox, I get a better response, that’s all I’m saying.
Feelings NOW! by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is in.
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
For a long time, my column was just known as “Feelings”. That is because there was then no sense of urgency. Things have changed, however. We have progressed. We have grown. We have personally expanded. We are FEELINGS NOW!
The FEELINGS NOW! project is changing Lankville, one man at a time. Our inaugural event was last weekend, right outside of the Lankville Pyramid Area, on a semi-grassy hill next to some utility sheds. Participants feasted together, danced to the music of the “Tenderly Protectives” band, and were engaged by a “social clown” (me, in a clown outfit) who challenged men to embrace their own inner-clown. We engaged in “shadow conversations”, in which we talked to our own shadows in the second person. “Spaces of Trust” were established as well as several “Merchandise Arenas” in which participants were offered unbeatable deals.
Despite these successes, Dr. Thurston is still available for one-on-one Feelings Sessions. Understand, however, that the sessions are much more dynamic. Understand, too, that my office is much more dynamic. There is an aquarium now. The aquarium is lit from above by multi-colored, high-definition LED lights. The aquarium is full of strange squids. The shell of the ancestral squid has been lost. I will ask you to contemplate this and how it relates to manhood today. Some of the squids may be for sale for $79.99.
The FEELINGS NOW! project will be coming to a hill slightly outside of your area soon. Sign up today. Sign up NOW!
This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston.
President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville
President Pondicherry
We must always be guided by the philosophy that made Lankville great.
As Lankvillians, we believe in our vigorous thrusting power. We can thrust forward and, by thrusting, create a powerful future full of meaning. We must believe in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions, empower themselves and babies, and thrust always forward.
In the long run, Lankvillians can be confident of economic growth. But, in the short run, we can see that there is absolutely no growth at all. This is a conundrum.
We have taken steps to address this. There will be education– we will put an end to all those schools that disappeared and were replaced by malls. A task force is looking into that. And we will draw a blank on no babies. That is my new program- Draw a Blank on No Babies. Education begins with babies. We will educate them until they are adults and then, hopefully, they will find jobs in our new, giant, accelerated economy.
But I encourage: keep thrusting. I want you to tell me about your thrusts. Tell me how much you like to thrust. I want to hear about it. So much– more than you ever know.
God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia
Sheeba ramps up some future.
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)—You’ve grown bored lately with television and word puzzles—consider challenging yourself by engaging in charity work this month. Travel to a monstrous neighborhood full of monstrous people and distribute half-turkeys. Remember, the indigent often have no teeth so if you’re bringing a desert be sure it’s crumbly.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)—The month will be trying for Pisces. Hail, the size of bottles, will fall upon you and you will feel the anger of a maniacal God. You will race on towards something unseen and unknown, through deep, thick-walled cellars in ancient houses. You will chain yourself to the stone wall, throw dirt in your own face, trying to excise the demons. There will be no hope for you though. You know it.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)— This is a good time to be happy-go-lucky. Buy that gaudy yarn you always wanted or drive up into a field and knock over an electrified fence. Go where the fun is.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)— Tautuses should be calculating this month. This may not be the time to walk through backyards full of pointless holes with old banners strung between two trees that read, “HAPPY EASTER, LES.” You have to ask yourself, “What kind of person will I find here?”
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—A good friend may turn into a whirlwind romance this month. You’ll just be sitting around, watching a space show on TV and eating from a loosely-arranged plate of thin meats and the next thing you know, you’re being torqued like a jenny. Just remember: what feels good now might be undesirable later; although in this case, might as well go for the gold.
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—You cannot shove your creativity aside but you can learn to funnel it. Imagine a series of “mind pipes” inside your vast head—the creativity will slosh through the “mind pipes” to touch all areas and be expelled upon craft paper, crochet boards or into culinary concoctions. Your shimmering brilliance will be instantly acknowledged.
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)—In the past, you’ve been accused of apathy—important to really care this month. Really care a lot and hard. Make it an alternately gentle and then suddenly violent hardness that will peak at just the right moment. Look forward to this sort of activity.
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)—Might be a good time to exercise some brain cells—you’ve been reading a lot of little pamphlets from grocery stores lately. Get out a piece of paper and write down some examples where it would unrealistic to keep bins open as more items “arrive” from space to be packed, rather than to close the bins permanently based on otherworldly criteria. Show your work.
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)—You’ll get back on track once you stop hanging out in that basement with those disgusting orange stools and those guys with the occultist ideas. You’ll find that your reputation will easily be restored.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)—It is important to always express your feelings. This can be anything from, “I don’t like these pizzas, I’m sending them back” to “when we made love, I saw a big, beautiful female moon from which I gained my energy.” As long as you’re honest and straightforward, you should never be afraid. If you are still afraid, just keep some guns nearby.
SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)—Sure, you’ve got a little side porch that looks out over some fields. And sure, you can put out a TV tray with some lemonade and a baking sheet of fries. And sure, you got a radio and you can pull that antenna out and receive distant signals from over the mountain. Thing is, this town is cursed. It’s haunted. It’s got the devil in it. It’s your call.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— It’s a good time to hold up a mirror and recognize your issues. Might be a good idea to stop getting all your clothes for free by answering questions about the kind of car you’d like to have. It’s depressing. It’s depressing to look at you with those car dealership t-shirts and baseball caps. Get to work—recognize your unique qualities but for the love of God, get rid of those t-shirts.
Lankville State University Now Hiring an Assistant Professor of Pow!
At Lankville State University, we don’t have students. We have “learning partners.” And we don’t subscribe to tired definitions of subjects and time periods determined centuries ago by men in funny hats who kept small animals up their sleeves to keep warm – men who left us with vague rubrics like “the Lankville Renaissance” and “math.” Instead, we invite our learning partners to interact with faculty on common ground that meets the dynamic needs of our exciting, ever-shifting modern world. If that sounds like the kind of vibrant environment in which you can help others learn, grow, and thrive, you might be our new Assistant Professor of Pow! The Assistant Professor of Pow! will work under the Provost of Pizazz in concert with the Dean of Dopeness, and be affiliated with the Office of the Vice President for Excellence in Zip-a-dIgital-Doo-Dah (OVPEZIDD).
Also, we have a girls volleyball team.
Can you push our learning partners to that place beyond ordinary knowledge, taking the tops of their heads off, twisting them around, and filling them with glitter bombs of wisdom equal to a thousand burning suns? Can you lift them right out of the classroom and make them dance like marionettes with a million volts of logos running through their limbs? Please send a cover letter or Lanktube video explaining how your particular brand of enthusiasm would contribute to the mission of the Lankville community; a one-word teaching philosophy; and a Super Sick Syllabus that demonstrates your skills in Ill Communication with potential learning partners at Lankville State. The superior candidate will ignore these instructions and surprise us or, better yet, leave encrypted cyber-clues as to the whereabouts of their application materials.
Deadline February 15; candidates chosen for fruitful interactions with search committee will be notified via the Lankville Town Crier at Pondicherry Square.
Royer Plays Hero in Two Separate Incidents
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer knows the meaning of the words “good citizen”. He put them into action twice yesterday.
In an early morning incident at an Eastern Lankville Burger Rex restaurant, the enigmatic executive repelled several youths who were taunting an elderly woman.
“Although there are many Burger Rex restaurants, I enjoy patronizing the one with the paintings of heaven on the walls,” noted Royer. “I find the contemplation of little angels soothing while I drink my chunky coffee.”
Royer then explained the details of the incident.
“Some youths walked in and began picking on an old lady. At first, it was fairly ordinary, harmless stuff like calling attention to her advanced age, writing on her shirt, gentle poking. But it quickly became nasty and I knew that swift action would be necessary.”
Ric Royer: Star and Good Citizen.
Royer noted that he carries a large chain with him for such just purposes.
“I got the chain out and started swinging it around and stomping my foot. The leader of the gang shouted “LET’S GO. LET’S HIT THE ROAD” and they ran out and we noticed then that the chain had pierced the new soda machine, the one where a man comes on the screen and asks what kind of soda you want and so there was some clean-up involved and then I gave the old lady $40.”
Four hours later, Royer played the hero again.
“I was at the elastic furniture store and a pregnant woman was eating some small round burgers and she suddenly began choking. Everyone else had disappeared, so I launched into action.”
Royer says that he utilized diverse wrestling moves to expel the small round burger.
“I was not familiar with any traditional safety maneuvers,” he explained. “I was born in Lankville Falls, after all. The woman was so grateful that she will be legally changing her name to “Ric”.
All around Lankville, Royer is already being lauded for his efforts.
“I was back at the Burger Rex later that night, feasting on a Rodeo Burger and I saw a blimp appear out the window. My name was written on the side in lights,” the enigmatic mogul noted.
President Pondicherry has already announced plans for the presentation of a medallion.
“Ric is a great inspiration to us all. He is the ideal Lankvillian and not the kind of person we usually have is who is just fat and sits around,” the President noted.
Plans for further ceremonies will be outlined today.
Odds and Ends by Brian Schropp
By Brian Schropp
BRIAN SCHROPP ON CUISINE
Another cooking tip I have learned the hard way– when preparing any type of pasta MAKE SURE THE WATER IS AT A FULL BOIL BEFORE PUTTING THE PASTA IN!!! You can’t just put a pot of water on the stove, start heating it, and throw the pasta in at any point. (Thanks Mom) And DO NOT add any type of sauce while the pasta is in the water– you need to heat the sauce separately. I know, it’s boring standing there waiting but some things are worth the wait! Despite these minor setbacks in the kitchen, I still believe that in the future I will pull off the creation of some sort of breakfast-style pasta option. I recently made a chipped beef on garlic bread which was a big hit to me (not so much the family) and feel I am on the cutting edge of a possible new and exciting food trend.
People have been writing to me this past week asking if I was upset that Hank Cameron, Manager of Foodville, took all frozen breakfast sandwiches options out of the store. Hey, it’s no skin off my nose if that jerk wants to bankrupt his store. I only hope the owners of Foodville will read my 27-page letter (which I mailed the other day) where I plead my case for why this man is incapable of running any type of grocery. I highlighted the most scandalous things (like changing the expiration dates on the honey baked hams and marking up the price of East Island sausage whenever he thinks some East Islander is coming into the store) in case they don’t want to read the whole thing. Actually 24 out of the 27 pages were rendered in a comic book type format to make it easier to read. I can only hope the owners will be smart enough to listen before it’s too late!!
Hank Cameron– nearing the precipice.
The BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) has taken action against Mr. Cameron by sending fake pizza deliveries to his house non-stop (with the bills on some exceeding $100 a pop!!). And with thousands of pizza delivery options in Lankville, and with many of them open 24 hours, I don’t see this stopping anytime soon. One of the members said they drove by his house yesterday and there was four different delivery cars in the driveway and pizza boxes stacked up against each side of the front door (doesn’t the fool realize you can’t leave the food out there like that or else you will attract Super Squirrels?). The person also noted that Hank Cameron was chasing one of the delivery guys around his yard with a rake in his hand, yelling at the top of his lungs. Has Mr. Cameron reached his breaking point? Shouldn’t he do us all a favor and maybe go on a extended vacation somewhere?
The promise of the new sub shop off Blackenship Rd. proved to be a hollow one. The owners opened their doors with the delivery of the actual sub rolls still not there. So they decided to try a “high-five special” where they actually high-fived the meat and toppings of the sub into the customer’s hands. Well, the sweat from the hands got the better of most people and the vomit flowed like wine. The health department was there in no time to shut the place down and beat the owners once the doors were closed (customary procedure, I’m told). Blackenship Rd. has been cursed by the lack of a good sub shop for a long while. The last one– “Subs’N’Suds” was a promising idea in which you were served your subs while taking a bath in an old fashion bathtub. If they only fully thought out the idea (like changing the bath water between customers) maybe the health department would of allowed them to remain open. Keep your fingers crossed a decent sub shop will find a home there soon.
Please remember to keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy eating!!
BRI
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
It was evening. Some guy pressed a booklet into my hand. “This booklet is your assurance of quality, comfort, safety, cleanliness and friendly hospitality,” he said. I asked him what the hell it was to him, anyway– he tried to answer but then he vomited in his mouth a little and lurked off.
It was a side-stapled guide from the Lankville Motel Association. There was a little sign on the front with their name on it. Above, it said, “Look for Our Sign”. I skimmed through it but I didn’t figure on it mattering none.
I wandered around the spent downtown area for awhile but there was nothing going on. Then, I headed for the outskirts. After a mile or so, I saw the place up on the left.
I walked into the office. Bunch of lobby furniture done up in pea greens, saffron and flowers. There was an old paunchy man with glasses behind the counter. I couldn’t figure on any of it. I lit a cigarette and tossed the match into an ashtray.
“Those ashtrays have the name of our establishment printed on them,” the man said. “It says “El Patio Motel”, did you notice?”
I coughed. It started to rain heavily. The old guy wasn’t noticing it. The rain was slamming against the front doors now but he kept his eye on the ashtray. I heard a loud boom from upstairs somewhere. None of it was figuring right but I rented a room anyway.
It was done up in pinks and oranges. There were more ashtrays– too many ashtrays, all with “El Patio Motel” printed on them. Then I noticed everything had “El Patio Motel” printed on it– the guy had really gone to town. The trashcans, the complimentary soaps, the chairs, the carpet, all had it.
I pulled the shades and got undressed. I could see the little town down the ways, twinkling sickly, like the embers of a campfire in need of being stamped out. I heard the boom again, upstairs again but I didn’t mind it none. Then, a knock came.
It was the paunchy guy. “Need any ashtrays?” he asked. He had a whole stack of them in his hand. “I think I’ll be alright,” I said. I held the door against my unclothed frame. “Well, if you need any, you can use the service telephone there on the desk. It has our name printed on it. Just dial the number seven. That’s printed on there too.” He went away.
I put the television on. There was static, then some organ music, then a picture. It was a feed of the front desk. Nobody was there and then the paunchy guy was there, organizing some hand towels. It went on like that. I couldn’t make sense of none of it. I tried some other stations but it was all the same, all just the front desk.
I got in bed and slid some lurid pamphlets purchased earlier in the day out of a brown paper bag. After awhile, I put the TV back on. I couldn’t figure on why.
This is how you picked it, Oakes, I said to myself.
The night passed.
Shopping Bag Falls Over, Causes Haunting
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A shopping bag has fallen over causing a haunting, sources are confirming.
The bag, full of produce, was placed against a kitchen wall by Ms. Hannah Agrarian-Curtains, 28, of the Central Lankville Rural Area.
“I was hurrying to answer my phone and I placed the bag against the wall and it wasn’t propped up right,” said Ms. Agrarian-Curtains, who was sobbing intermittently. “I should have known what would happen.”
Ms. Agrarian-Curtains claims that the collapse of the bag kicked off a chain of events, the repercussions of which are still being felt in the area hours later.
Artist’s rendering of what Ms. Agrarian-Curtains saw on her kitchen wall.
“The sky went a sort of yellowish color. I looked out my back window and saw a man in the alley who was sadly waving at me. It was more of a wave of “goodbye” than “hello.” Then, suddenly, one of the kitchen walls was illuminated by what appeared to be a series of letters coming from some ungodly, abominable, cursed film projector. They flickered horribly for ten seconds or so and then they flamed out. They just said, “THE END”.”
Ms. Agrarian-Curtains sobbed uncontrollably.
Detectives were called to the scene but could offer no explanation.
“We took all the people in the neighborhood into custody but the man in the alley was not located nor was the old, haunted projector,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “It’s a crime with no solution,” added Gee-Temple, who began examining Ms. Agrarian-Curtains’ spice rack in search for clues.
“I just wish I had properly put away the bag of produce,” noted Ms. Agrarian-Curtains.
A press conference is expected later today.
So What Was in That Lankville Time Capsule?
By Pa-hinn Cruikshank
Pa-hinn Cruikshank is a special reporter on the Medievals.
Residents were excited last week when a small metal box (or “capsule”) was unearthed under the cornerstone of St. Amelia’s, the stately cathedral that towers over Pondicherry Square in Old Lankville.
Prof. Glenn Ogilvie of the University of Southern Lankville rushed back from his tent in the Partial Ice Regions, interrupting his vacation, to investigate.
“At one time it was traditional to bury a time capsule with some coins and keepsakes to be opened at a specified date in the future,” Dr. Ogilvie said. “This is not one of those, however.”
Instead, the historian believes the strongbox actually dates to the “middle period” in Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac, and that it was transported and built into St. Amelia’s along with other foundation stones brought over from the foreign city.
So what, eager residents and the Lankville News reporters have been wondering, is inside?
Mostly, it turns out, some dead animals, a miniature codpiece that seems to have been designed for a little boy or a dwarf, and a strange item that Prof. Ogilvie at first assumed was another dead animal.
“Dead animals are a splendid find, don’t get me wrong,” averred Ogilvie, who added that they can tell us much about the type of pets the medievals used to cherish. In this case, the box contained parts of a hedgehog, a common weasel, and what was at first assumed to be the pelt of a ferret.
An onlooker suddenly approached Ogilvie and opened a challenge. The situation was quickly defused.
“Women liked to keep ferrets up their sleeves for warmth during the long winters in the Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac Lower Icy Regions,” explained Dr. Emma T. Hogg, Visiting Professor of the Dark Ages at Lankville State University.
But when the pelt was examined more closely, it turned out to be a merkin.
“Women wore merkins over their pubic areas for added warmth, sometimes for purposes of fashion,” noted Dr. Hogg. She and Prof. Ogilvie have put the merkin through rigorous testing at a secret facility, and as of this writing have applied to the Lankville Foundation for Olden Times (LFOT) for funding to do further tests.
Medievals playing with their pets.
“We are not yet sure,” Prof. Ogilvie said, “but this particular merkin may have belonged to St. Amelia of Lanque-Ville-sur-Lac.”
Pilgrims, according to Profs. Ogilvie and Hogg, used to come from all over the foreign lands to visit the town’s cathedral and touch the dead saint’s merkin, said to have healing powers. “St. Amelia was sent to the Lanque-Ville region to try to convert the barbarians,” who at that time adhered to a strange, horrible religion that involved veganism, communal property, and speaking in riddles, Dr. Hogg said. The barbarian King Hwamstan fell in love with the beautiful Amelia. She agreed to marry him only on the condition that he renounce his religion and agree to worship the one true God. His lust turned to anger, according to Dr. Hogg, and he tortured her.
“Eventually, he had her tied to a stake outside his castle and burned off her pubic hair,” said Dr. Ogilvie.
“But the next day,” Dr. Hogg added, “her pubic hair miraculously grew back, thicker than ever.”
Seeing this, King Hwamstan converted on the spot, and broke ground on the church that is the ancestor of Lankville’s St. Amelia cathedral.
“Her pubic hair kept growing, however,” reported Hogg, and so Amelia cut it off every night and wove it into long merkins, some of which she bequeathed to her daughters and granddaughters, as well as women from neighboring towns.
If the merkin does come from St. Amelia, that would make the mysterious capsule under the foundation stone a reliquary of sorts.
“We need to do more tests,” admitted Dr. Ogilvie, who was suddenly challenged again by a second bystander.
For now, Lankville can rejoice in knowing that it houses some true treasures from antiquity.
At Last- a New Trap for Telephone Perverts!
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville can breathe a sigh of relief.
Police announced this morning that the rash of telephone perversions is coming to an end.
“The Lankville Bureau of Probes in cooperation with the Danny Madison Corporation have created a device that will catch telephone perverts,” said Detective Houston Gee-Temple during a press conference in which only soggy toast was served. “I feel confident that this will bring an end to the insidious outbreak of deep telephone perversion.”
Danny Madison, creator of the “Madison Revealer”.
Gee-Temple then yielded to 12-year old boy genius Danny Madison, who explained the device.
“This transparent piece of plastic will fit over your phone,” said the wunderkind, who held up a mysterious object which appeared to be invisible. “Upon receiving the debauched call, the victim will press a button. This device, which I call the “Madison Revealer” will then send a signal to police headquarters, pinpointing the caller’s location, sex, age, number of trophies won and other pertinent details. Police will then travel directly to the pervert and make the arrest.”
The assembled applauded loudly.
“Speaking of calls I’d like an ETA on that pizza that was ordered,” Madison suddenly asked the throng. A handler took him aside and the issue was dealt with privately.
The device will be available in electronics stores by Saturday and the Bureau of Probes will provide free “Madison Revealers” to past victims.
Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia
Sheeba ramps up some future.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)— The new year will mean a new position and rise in social status. If you’re offered that job putting gigantic newspapers on yardsticks at the library, take it. A man sporting chiseled good looks will walk in. “I’m looking for a gigantic newspaper on a yardstick,” he’ll say. You will fall very quickly into a torrid romance.
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)— A trying month for Aquariums. Yours will be a lonely patrol of desolate landscapes until you come upon a man by an old swimming pool. He is watching some people cook spaghetti on a small television set. He will hold it up for you to see. However, there will be little solace in this. Still, a conversation may shed new light on your difficult situation.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)— Show your considerate side this week. A change of scenery could delight someone who has been stuck indoors recently, particularly if they are really fat. Take your fat reclusive acquaintance to a mall or maybe to the zoo to gawk at some arboreal apes. Just be sure to exercise good judgment.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)—Put some emphasis this week on acquiring knowledge through magazines. Have a close look at the color pictures— you know what they say, “A picture tells a lot more words than words”. Join a charitable organization and climb over people to get to the top.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)—Wonderful opportunities on the horizon this week. You’ll be able to see them from your porch. They will arrive like giant otherworldly waves breaking against the shore of a desolate, undiscovered planet. Work on improving your physical fitness.
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)—Go ahead and ignore a family member’s concern this week. It will go away. Give nothing and you may still get a lot. It’s all coming up YOU although beware of parking your car on the grass no matter what the man at the carnival tells you.
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)—This is a good week to mix business with pleasure. Offer yourself to your boss. If you are at first rebuffed, just keep offering and make the outfits skimpier and skimpier. He won’t be able to resist. This is also a good week for discovering a new hobby (which could just be offering yourself to your boss–your choice).
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)- Visit someone in a hospital. Bring a lot of balloons. Throughout history, balloons have always made everyone happy. Hit the malls after that–lot of great bargains right now!
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)- People consider you a glamorous figure. You attract fascinating people and animals. Be discreet. Don’t reveal everything immediately (especially to the animals). If you hold back, you create an atmosphere of mystery and elusiveness. Continue to pursue efforts of making money through highly irregular channels.
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)— Don’t be afraid to put your boot up somebody’s ass this week. You’ve got to be tough with some of your co-workers. They’ll respect you for it in the end.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)— Come to work all week with a gigantic, stupid smile on your face. Keep that stupid smile affixed to your face all day, even if you are experiencing extreme ennui. In the evenings, stand naked before a mirror flexing slightly. Murmur, “nothing can touch me” over and over again. You will be well-prepared for the next day.
SAGITTARIAN (Nov 22/Dec 21)— Something will go awry with the float in your toilet. A plumber will be called in— a handsome man with a dimpled chin. He will offer you advice. At first, you will tell him that you are not taking any advice from some lowly fucking piece of shit asshole plumber. But, you’ll soon come around after he fixes the float.
Can I Borrow Your Boombox?
By Zach Keebaugh
This isn’t an official Lankville article or anything– I’m just hoping one of you readers will let me borrow your boombox.
I’m good at taking care of things. It’ll be safe. I just want to take it camping with my new squeeze, Pat. Pat likes music. She listens to it all the time. Me, I don’t care much. But Pat wants it.
So, anyway, if I can borrow your boombox, just give me a shout on scanit.com. My scanit handle is “BigZach481”. You’ll find me.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK