Archive
Local Office Snack Table Deemed a “Torrent of Lavishness and Superabundance”
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A local office snack table has been deemed a “torrent of lavishness and superabundance” by staff members, sources are confirming.
The snack counter, located in the rear of the Supps Cleaning Supplies Quality Control and Safety Division, has drawn immediate and widespread praise.
The cornucopia of snacks that has the business world abuzz this morning.
“We usually have some good snacks, Barbara does a good job of putting a wide range of options out for folks,” noted Director of Communications Glenn Sundberg. “But, when I went back today, I was just blown away. The horn blew for us today and the music that came out was plenty.”
The offerings included two portable pudding packages, an apple, a granola slab, a dish of assorted candies, coffee, and a platter of meats (not pictured).
“I just had a brainstorm to include the meats and the coffee,” noted administrative assistant Barbara Aase, who has been in charge of snack placement in the office for eight years. “I thought the meats would go at lunchtime but people gobbled them up so fast that your photographer couldn’t even include them. I’m not even sure what happened to the protective plastic cover– I think it was crushed underfoot and then hurled far away in the confusion. Anyway, I’m glad people are pleased.”
The luxurious bounty has a dark side, however– two employees are currently missing.
“We have no idea what happened to Dawn and Gerard,” noted Sundberg, as he polished off one of the puddings. “As Barb noted, there was a lot of confusion back there when the word got out. Hopefully, we’ll see them later in the day or maybe tomorrow.”
Aase says that she will experiment with other layouts in the coming days.
“It’s all about presentation,” she noted, as he began scrubbing down the walls surrounding the snack table. “I’m glad everyone is having a good time.”
Royer to Launch Dating Site Tomorrow
By Gump Tibbs
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Royer Entertainments CEO Ric Royer announced today that he will launch his new dating website tomorrow at noon.
“Smackers.com” claims to provide a unique personality profiling analysis via a series of detailed questions that endeavor to gauge “value systems”, “beliefs”, “preferences” and “interests”. The site has already drawn criticism, however, from some dating experts.
“The name of the site is rather provocative for starters,” noted critic Dawn Halpers. “There is bound to be some immediate confusion.”
Royer, who was interviewed while installing some new pieces to his voluminous illuminated porcelain Christmas village, refuted the comments.
“The site is about bringing the lonely together. It’s very scientific. Everyone is having a wonderful time.”
The CEO began screaming suddenly when a porcelain figure of an elderly lady holding a shopping bag toppled over. The interview had to be ended prematurely.
Halpers noted other issues with “Smackers.com”.
“The questions are unique but not particularly conducive to matching two personalities for dating purposes. If you look at some of the questions– this one, for example– “Do you believe that the kisses of stars rain hard upon the body?” followed by a rather senseless numerical rating sequence of 1-7. It’s hard to imagine how answering that question would bring you any closer to finding your perfect match,” the critic opined.
Nevertheless, “Smackers.com” already has over one billion pre-registered users and appears destined to become Lankville’s number one online dating service.
SAMPLE QUESTIONS FROM SMACKERS.COM PROFILE ANALYSIS
| -Rate your travels in the Land of No God. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
-Are you done with the illusions of dogma? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 -Do you eat animals? 1 2 3 4 5 7 8 -Woman stands alone as the High Priestess of Love at the Altar of Life and man
|
Lankville Rising Citizen Award Goes to Engines
Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Miss Holly Engines, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Willard Engines of Route 16, Lankville Highlands, has been selected by the Bureau of High School Achievement Probers as recipient of the 2014 “Rising Citizen Award” sources are now confirming.
Mrs. Holly Engines, Rising Citizen.
Holly was selected on the basis of dependability, service, folding, leadership, and extreme patriotism. She was an overwhelming choice of the Bureau.
“Holly has a heart of gold,” said Bureau member and small pizza magnate “Inner Hammer”. “She took this contest and blew everyone else out of the water. She grabbed this contest and pumped it up like a god damn pyramid, is what she did.”
Holly has been quite active in school, ranking in the top 5% at Supps Bleach and Cleaning Supplies High School throughout her first three years. Along with her academic standing, she has been quite active in extra-curricular activities which include the following: Band 9-11, Chorus, 9-11, Restrained Volleyball 9-11, Track, 9-10, Forensics 9-11, Pep Club 9-11, Lingus Nets 9-11, Yearbook 9-11, Sad Drama Club 9-11, Phone Manners 10-11.
Holly, a junior, has career plans which include college at the University of the Eastern Hills of Lankville.
The Award includes a small university stipend and a year’s supply of small pizzas.
“We’ll be taking care of Holly,” noted “Inner Hammer”. “She won’t have to worry about ordering any god damn small pizzas for awhile. It’s a good lesson for all the kids out there.”
No Update on Wind-Blown Bumpkins: Schropp on Breakfast Sandwiches
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
No updates are reported on the bumpkins who were blown away by the wind last week.
No update on the bumpkins, Gee-Temple says.
“I’m not sure what you’re looking for Lloyd,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “Getting blown away by the wind is an act of finality. There are no updates and there never will be any updates.”
Gee-Temple took a sip of coffee and admired the morning sunrise out of his office windows.
“They’re gone,” he added after some time had passed.
SCHROPP ON THE MOMENT THAT CHANGED HIS LIFE FOREVER
Breakfast sandwiches– yes, they are my life. Ever since that fateful June day long ago when one was placed before me– a starry-eyed lad in search of a dream, a reason to believe, FOUND, after taking that first bite. I still remember the crunch, the bite of bacon with egg and cheese in between that warm, tender biscuit. That moment everything became more real and unreal at once, like I was newborn again. The whiteness of the paper plate with the small grease stains left by the sandwich. The heat of that June morning warming back through the window. My Mom’s voice seeming a million miles away, asking me if I wanted milk or orange juice. Why? Why would I need further essence? I recall thinking as I stared at the strawberry toaster pastries left out for me in case I didn’t like the breakfast sandwich and knowing that I was leaving those pastries behind FOREVER.
Schropp knew he was leaving those pastries behind forever.
Oh yes, breakfast sandwiches are my life. But the time has come to expand my horizons. Not only for the greater good of Lankville but, I don’t know, maybe to GET OUT FROM BENEATH THE SHADOW OF THE THESE BUMPKINS? IS THIS EVEN A STORY GUYS!!?? THERE IS NO UPDATE ON THEM!! CUISINE NEED NOT BE PAIRED WITH A STORY ABOUT BUMPKINS! IT MAKES NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. But…that’s ok. I’m calm now.
Anyway, I have decided to include other food passions of mine (buffets and anything fried) to my future articles. I believe these two food arenas will find similar zeal in many residents here and I would love to bring you my future thoughts and reviews– perhaps in, you know, a DEDICATED food column. My family (particularly the female members) have long remarked how I am a “sweet, sensitive man” and, in turn, I feel as if I have a “sweet, sensitive food palate” which I hope you can come to trust.
The Trinity by Brian Schropp (2013).
Please do not worry that this will lead to me writing less and less about breakfast sandwiches or people’s right to eat them anytime or anywhere. I have already addressed some fellow members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) and their concerns. And I would like to take this opportunity to announce an upcoming art show of mine (basement location yet undetermined) which will feature several paintings of breakfast sandwiches. One will be included with this article as a little “teaser”, shall we say.
Until my next article Lankville, keep your mind and mouth open to anything new that might come your way!
Happy Eating,
Bri
Five Things You Need to Know About Candy Corns
By Zach Keebaugh
NEWS OF THE SEASON
With Halloween fast approaching, you may think that by picking up a couple of packs of candy corns, you’re doing the kids in your neighborhood a favor, right? Perhaps. But first, maybe you better take a minute and learn a little something about this polarizing small candy.
1. PEOPLE LOVE CANDY CORNS OR THEY VIEW THEM AS AN UNMENTIONABLE LANKVILLE NIGHTMARE– THERE’S NO MIDDLE GROUND
Yeah, man– for a seemingly innocuous little bullshit treat, candy corn sure sparks a lot of opinion. When I recently polled some friends in preparation for this article, I got over a million responses.
“I become sick every year,” one friend (a woman) wrote. “I throw up for nearly a week. Nothing but bile and candy corns. Just over and over and over again into the toilet, the mop bucket, into the street, wherever. Just bile and candy corns.”
“HATE CANDY CORNS. Cannot emphasize the word HATE enough,” said another friend who utilized a yellow highlighter device on her email to make it especially clear.
“I love ’em yo’,” said a good friend (and fellow News contributor BIG CHIPS). “They’re awesome. Like little candy pizzas, man.”
About half the people surveyed admitted to liking the stuff.
Candy corns. Do you know five things about them?
2. IT USED TO BE MADE IN COUNTRY POTS
Snagged this fact off the net. Apparently, candy corns used to be made in these giant pots that they only had out in the country. These assholes would cook sugar and corn syrup into a sort of slurry and then pour it out into kernel-shape trays. “The Buntz Mallows Company of Lankville was the first company to sell candy corns commercially,” noted Gordon Dillard, who claimed to be some sort of candy historian or something. “Funny thing is, Buntz still sells them!”
I didn’t really get the joke but whatever. Used to be made in country pots.
3. THERE’S A PROPER WAY TO EAT THEM
So, about half the people I surveyed said that nibble on candy corn from one end. The other half say they just pop the whole fucker in their mouth and be done with it. “The proper way is to begin nibbling from the narrow white end,” said Dillard.
“Why?” we probed.
“Etiquette,” he responded.
4. THEY CAN BE DEEP-FRIED
An ex-girlfriend of mine recently posted a recipe on some blog that involves rolling a bunch of candy corns in a ball of dough and then frying it in hot oil.
Crazy whacked bitch, I initially thought.
Turns out though, it’s true.
“Why wouldn’t we fry candy corns?” said a chef who asked to remain anonymous. “Frying makes everything taste better.”
I thought about pushing the big white hat off his head but decided against it.
5. THERE ARE VERSIONS FOR OTHER HOLIDAYS
This, I didn’t know. Turns out, candy corns are not just for Halloween any more. They got candy corns for Easter, Christmas, Saint Virgil’s Day and the Opening Feast. Manufacturers even put them out in different colors to match the occasions.
I got nothing else to say on this matter, man.
BREAKING: Area Girls Getting All Up in Everybody’s Shit
By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A group of area girls are getting all up in everybody’s shit, sources are now confirming.
The area girls that are getting all up into everybody’s shit.
“We’re not sure what they want,” noted Life Lessons Funeral Home High School social studies teacher Gail Nailsmith, who fell victim to the group. “They formed a real fifth column, marching their way through the school with a singularity of purpose normally unseen in the girls of our area and really just getting right up into everybody’s shit.”
“If you get in their way, they get all up in your shit,” noted a fellow student who requested anonymity.
After briefly getting all up in everybody’s shit at the school, the group left the premises and began traveling around their Eastern Lankville hamlet of DeVries, where they got all up into the shit of a local man attempting to change a flat tire, a local woman chasing a tennis ball down the street and two local elderly men who were waiting for a buffet to open.
“It seems that the group really got all up into the [shit] of the two elderly men,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who arrived at the buffet after the clique had already moved on. “The two men were quite rattled and some of their small personal effects were scattered about the parking lot. It’s something we’ll certainly have to look into once time permits.”
None of the girls had been identified at press time.
“We’ll be putting out some orange cones in strategic areas,” noted Gee-Temple. “Then, we’ll pull some school records. We’ll get to the bottom of this before long.”
Chastain, Creator of “Fuzzy Ponies”, Dead at 73
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Betty Chastain, the beloved creator of the “Fuzzy Ponies” series has died. The author was 73.
Detail of Chastain illustration from 1982 title “When the Fuzzy Ponies Dropped the Hammer”
“We responded to a call to the Chastain home early this morning,” said Detective Gee-Temple of the Lankville Bureau of Probes. “We discovered a great chasm beneath the Chastain home that led to an unspeakable, interdimensional demonic arena and it is here, unfortunately, that Mrs. Chastain met her end.”
Chastain published 47 titles in the “Fuzzy Ponies” series.
“She was best at identifying with the child reader,” noted area librarian Jean Folger (rated about a 7 out of 10 by this writer). “Although the Fuzzy Ponies often embark on many sudden, extraordinary adventures, they also go through many of the same things as the average Lankville child– things like brushing their teeth, going to the playground or riding in a car. That’s what makes Chastain so versatile– on one page a Fuzzy Pony is watching his surroundings decay and turn to dust and then, suddenly, with little or no explanation, is having a fun day at the park, prancing through the fields on the next page.”
Chastain made few public appearances in the last ten years of her life and published only one title– 2007’s The Regeneration of the Fuzzy Ponies. The book was not well-received.
“We are happy that Betty was able to bring so much joy and confusion to children,” noted the Chastain family in a prepared statement.
A small, restrained funeral has been planned.
Correspondent: Royer Digs Many Pointless Holes; Collapses on Box of Irregular Jeans
By Don W. Coneman
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
From our Pyramid Area Correspondent Don W. Coneman in the Valley of the Small Kings, Outer Lankville:
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, temporarily released from an area hospital, has been seen in the Valley of the Small Kings this past week, digging many large, pointless holes, sources are confirming. Yesterday, at a local market, the executive was found collapsed on a box of irregular jeans. His current whereabouts are unknown.
Locals have been mystified all week by the strange figure of Royer who is evidently wearing a large fake beard, rouge, eye-shadow and lipstick in an attempt to mask his identity.
Archaeologist Lee “Boom-Boom” Goldblatt has equally been flummoxed by Royer’s strange methods. “Well, all he had all week was a tiny little garden shovel, a lawnmower, and some tomato cages. He generally got tired after an hour or two of fruitless searching and had a handler drive him back to his room at the Magnanimous Boys’ Horn of Comfy Hotel.”
Royer: Pyramid Problems
Earlier in the week, Royer maintained he was “making great progress.”
“I feel great,” noted Royer, who paused to dump a child’s bucket of sand into a wagon. “It doesn’t matter that there are a surfeit of feckless corncobbers that surround these pyramids– the Creator has seen fit to put them here.” The enigmatic owner looked on disapprovingly as a native family crossed the desert on the back of a camel. “Imagine the moment when I open up the tombs and discover every mystery of civilization,” he added. “As it says in the ancient texts, the rocks of the earth will fold inward and we will crawl onto an axial plane,” the executive added after a moment’s reflection.
One of Royer’s handlers, who refused to be identified, gave a short statement as to the circumstances of the market incident yesterday.
“[Mr. Royer] disappeared from his room at the Horn of Comfy Hotel early in the morning while some of his wait-staff were asleep or otherwise distracted cleaning up a terrible mess at the foot of his bed. [Mr. Royer] was sleeping with several large pumpkins which is his custom around this time of the year and they had fallen onto the floor. At some point, he must have snuck away and wandered into the marketplace where he then collapsed onto the box of irregular jeans.”
“Nearby there was a vendor that had some regular jeans,” the handler noted. “Unfortunately, [Mr. Royer] was not in a state where he would have been able to shop selectively.”
A press conference is expected later today.
Precocious Madison to Release Second Video Game Tomorrow
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Video game wunderkind Danny Madison has wasted no time in following up his smash hit puzzle platform “The Video Cube”. It was announced today that the precocious 12-year old will release his second video game tomorrow sources are now confirming.
Danny Madison, age 12.
“Fire Quasars” will go on sale at select retail outlets at noon. Long lines are expected.
“Fire Quasars represents the latest in experimental laser saucer technology,” stated Madison. “Unlike some earlier laser saucer efforts, Fire Quasars provides up to 846 different gameplay challenges, the electronically digitized voices of several famous actors and razor sharp digital graphics. I’m very proud of this one and we think it will be a big hit.”
Madison paused to program a series of calculators which were directly wired into a pizza. No explanation was offered.
Detail from “Fire Quasars”
“It’s another brilliant game from Madison,” noted video game critic and Electronics Cranny contributor Fritz Tennis. “The gameplay is set against a brilliant astronomical landscape. The spaceships, secret quasar targets and helicopters exhibit extraordinary realism. It is the most sophisticated game I’ve seen all year.”
Fire Quasars will be sold in versions for the Bubonos 2000 system and for “individual computer systems”. Retail prices are $59.99 and $69.99 respectively.
Creator of “Video Cube” is Local 12-Year Old
By Grady Kitchens
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The creator of the enormously-popular new “Video Cube” is none other than 12-year old local resident Danny Madison.
Danny Madison, age 12.
Madison, who attends Lowinger Brothers Utility Sheds Middle School, took the first step towards translating classic puzzles into computer games last year.
“I realized that by allowing players to move the puzzle pieces around on their computer screens, you instantly eliminated the tiresome, wearisome, centuries-old problem of losing said pieces,” noted the amiable whiz kid. “There is nothing worse in the entire world than losing a puzzle piece and being left with what is simply an abominable box of disappointment,” Madison added.
After working closely with programmers over the summer, Madison introduced the Video Cube to Lankville in September. Sales have been astounding.
Detail of Madison’s “Video Cube”.
“[Madison’s] idea was revolutionary,” said programmer Lurv Sprayberry, who was part of the team that worked with the boy wonder. “He was able to take the features of a video game to create animation and the illusion of three-dimensionality and invent puzzles which could not exist in the real world.”
Critics have lauded the Video Cube’s ability to appeal to all different skill levels.
“Many who take a stab at the Video Cube will be able to master some element of it,” said Madison, who paused to utilize several calculators to activate a nearby oscillating fan. “The question is– will you be able to do it if the Video Cube is invisible?” Madison paused briefly for effect. “Imagine how hard it would be to locate an invisible puzzle in the real world, let alone in the video game world where we can suddenly shroud you in complete and total darkness.” Madison paused again, again for effect. “It will present a unique challenge to those convinced of their puzzle powers.”
The Video Cube retails for $499.99 and can be plugged into any standard Lankville-issue television set. It is available at most electronics retailers.
UPDATE: Bumpkin Revealed to Have Tail; Schropp Pacified
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
BUMPKIN HAD PREHENSILE TAIL?
In an update on a story reported earlier this week, one of the bumpkins who was recently carried off by the wind was revealed to have a fully developed prehensile tail, eyewitnesses are reporting.
The bumpkins still didn’t have anything nice but one of them did have a tail.
The tailed bumpkin- the youngest of the seven bumpkins carried off by the wind that attacked a local trailer park– was never before seen pantsless, so neighbors had never noticed the tail before. “He was smiling the whole time, poor lad,” said a neighbor who identified himself as “Amos”, who claimed that he watched helplessly as the bumpkins were carried off by the zephyr. “All the other bumpkins were whisked off, but this bumpkin, he had a tail and he was just giggling and giggling and…” Amos then began to giggle himself until he could no longer continue the interview and went back to kicking a nearby wheelbarrow.
Police had no further comment.
SCHROPP PACIFIED?
Noted breakfast sandwich aficionado Brian Schropp issued a statement apologizing for his recent outburst during an interview with Lankville Daily News reporter Lloyd Bias-Kirk.
“First of all, a sincere apology not only to the paper but to the readers as well. I have been under extreme pressure recently in matters which I will get to shortly. But whatever the reason may be, it still does not excuse my harsh outburst earlier this week. I have eaten humble cake [sic] recently and hope you will forgive me.
Now, onto matters at hand. I am proud to announce that I am in the final stages of putting together another art book of my watercolor paintings of breakfast sandwiches. This one will actually be professionally spiral-bound! Gone are the garbage-bag twist ties that posed such a problem with my first book! I feel that, with my art skills vastly improving, this current book will receive a much wider audience. I am also fooling around with the idea of doing a Don Jars biography. Mr. Jars is, of course, the man who helped shape the modern breakfast sandwich which in turn shaped modern Lankville. My initial thoughts were to do a combination children’s “pop-up/scratch and sniff” style book but found the subject matter too serious and, frankly, a bit too complex for kids or even young adults. Please wish me luck on these endeavors.
Is this Man Happy Now?
Trying to break into the world of publishing is stressful enough but there has been another factor, another source of great stress which I dare say has a deeper meaning not only to me but others of my kind. I have been campaigning hard to have a question put on this year’s election ballot. I have proposed that it become Lankville law that all major sporting events (Small Motel Girl Wrestling, Lingus Nets, Tennis) have a breakfast sandwich option on their food menus. I believe strongly that this is a civil rights issue. Why should I have to look around the filled stadia or the cramped small motel girl wrestling rooms whilst others enjoy hot dogs and cheesesteaks with such ease when the breakfast sandwich is simply NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.
What people need to understand and realize is that a breakfast sandwich can be eaten at any time of the day. If you had one in the afternoon or in the evening, for example, you might not be so frightened of them. Your understanding would blossom. I believe with all my heart that I can help with that.
And media outlets like The Lankville Daily News can help spread the understanding too. Particularly, say, if they would run my heartfelt column FIRST before columns about bumpkins being carried off by the wind. Or, say, maybe…I don’t know…RUN MY COLUMN SEPARATELY? Am I really going to always follow bumpkins now, guys? Bumpkins and breakfast sandwiches share absolutely NOTHING IN COMMON. WHY ARE WE PAIRING THESE ARTICLES? But, never mind that. Peace and understanding. Breathe in and breathe out.
So now I ask, no I beg you, dear readers, while I am eating my humble cake [sic] that you please contact your local officials and help me get this on the ballot.
It’s time to take the great leap forward.
Ric Royer and Brian Schropp have contributed to these articles.
Crushed Chips Make Local Bagels Glow with Pride
By Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A foreign neighbor child was recently hanging out in the Bread Lodge Co-Operative Small Bakery the other day while its workers (also its owners) were making bagels.
“She was cute, little funny foreign kid, kind of supervising, asking questions and eating this bag of artificially-flavored chips, the kind of thing they probably don’t have in her backward, simple-minded birth-nation,” said Bread Lodge co-owner Lorang Ewing. “And then she said, you should put these on a bagel…”
Crushed Chip Bagels: ARE THEY ANY GOOD?
One perk to owning your own business is the ability to do whatever you want. That can be a downside at times but not last week. Not at all. Because that’s when Bread Lodge made the first “Crushed Chips Bagel.”
They pulverized three different bags of the brightest colored chips they could find and dipped the ready-to bake bagels into the mixture, instead of using garlic sauce or one of the usual toppings. “We found that the crumbs stay crispy for a good many hours,” noted Ewing (who was judged to be selling it in the backside but a little weak up front). “They crisp up again if you toast the bagel,” Ewing added. “We have the freedom to try these things instantly. We made them, put pictures of them up on the Internet and on fliers stapled to telephone poles and trees in the woods and the next thing we knew, we had sold, like, a hundred of them. It was a lot of fun.”
The bagelmakers make sure to use local ingredients in their concoctions, like flour made from Lankville wheat. Since the chips came from a nearby corner store, do they count as local?
Today, Bread Lodge will make a few hundred more Crushed Chip Bagels. They’ll make more on Friday. And then, they’ll make more again on Saturday and Sunday. The process will continue provided that the days continue to advance in their normal progression.
“We have a takeout window,” said Ewing. “So if you’re unsure of the idea of having chips crushed on a bagel, you at least won’t have to get out of your car. It won’t take a lot of exertion to give it a try.”
Each crushed chip bagel is $1.25.
The foreign child could not be located to be interviewed for this story.
Area Grocery Store to Dispense Utensils One at a Time
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods is changing the way it offers plastic eating utensils in its cafe, and the new system is getting mixed reviews.
Instead of setting out forks, spoons, little shovels, and knives that are individually wrapped in plastic, the store is unveiling machines that dispense unwrapped utensils one at a time.
The new system was the brainchild of Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow. In an attempt to reduce food packaging waste, Barlow created a contest for employees to submit suggestions for sustainable packaging solutions.
“I shut down the contest almost immediately, however,” noted the enigmatic Barlow. “I had an epiphany about the unwrapped utensils and I knew that that would be the best idea. There was no point in going through the charade of entertaining other ideas.”
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow
Barlow has also instituted “Single-Pull Napkin Allocators(TM)” with digital display faces that alert customers to the number of napkins they have taken.
“The numbers begin to turn scarier colors after five napkins,” noted Barlow. “We are not messing around here.”
Some folks, however want to return to the traditional method of plastic-wrapped cutlery, citing sanitary reasons. Others have voiced concern over the fact that a utensil can sit out in the open air for considerable periods of time before it is taken and used, since utensils are discharged immediately after the first is removed.
“I don’t care for it,” said Barlow Foods regular Cindy Hopkins (rated about a 7 of 10 by this writer). “I’m suspicious of the intent and I find the way that the utensils pop out at you to be a little insinuating.”
Nevertheless, the machines have accomplished what Barlow hoped they would do- cut waste. The stores have seen a 35 percent reduction in the number of utensils and napkins being used.
“Are you going to argue with those digits?” Barlow asked, as he rose to his feet. When no comment was forthcoming, Barlow smiled self-assuredly and noted, “Well, I think we know who’s in charge here.”
Bumpkins Carried Off By Wind; Schropp Unsure of Future with News
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Some bumpkins were carried off by the wind last night in an Eastern Lankville trailer park, sources are confirming.
The bumpkins didn’t have anything nice, says Detective Gee-Temple.
“There were seven rubes inside the…little…camper thing,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene and held a brief press conference in which no food whatsoever was served. “A supernal wind is believed to have come along and carried them off. We have no further information. The bumpkins didn’t really have anything nice inside the camper.”
The names of the bumpkins have not been released.
Other bumpkins who live in nearby trailers briefly spoke about the incident.
“One of them delivered for Pizza Monkeys. I used to see him in their uniform occasionally,” noted Wilt Spatz, 73, retired. “I think maybe they come from the North.”
Nothing happened after that and the interview was ended prematurely.
SCHROPP UNSURE OF FUTURE
Noted breakfast sandwich expert Brian Schropp says he is unsure of his future as a columnist with The Lankville Daily News. He consented to an interview.
Schropp: Having Second Thoughts
LBK: Why are you having feelings of uncertainty?
BS: Well, Lloyd, I’m just beginning to think that Lankville isn’t as ready [to embrace the breakfast sandwich] as I had previously thought.
LBK: Your articles have been well-received.
BS: They have. But only by a specific strata of the population. Those bumpkins you were writing about earlier– they were probably still having donuts or, God forbid, cereal in the shape of marshmallows for breakfast.
LBK: Don’t you think you need to build up…
BS: Lloyd…I…I can’t work under these conditions…for example, why is my article appearing second after the article about the bumpkins?
LBK: OK…calm down for a minute
BS(storming out): Lankville is NOT READY!
Schropp left the room and the interview was terminated.
Royer Hospitalized After Zoo Incident
By Linwood Probert
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer is in stable condition after an early-morning zoo incident in Eastern Lankville.
Royer was granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness.
The incident occurred at Buntz Mallows Discount Zoo and involved a trash receptacle shaped like a lion’s head.
“It’s a lion’s head with a circular shaped mouth, operating on heavy suction if you can imagine,” said Zookeeper Fergie Pounder. “Kiddies take their trash, hold it near the mouth and the lion sucks it straight in. All the kids just love it.”
Pounder admitted that the device is more popular than the animals. “Our animals are really boring,” he noted.
Pounder went on to describe the incident.
“Well, this fellow [Royer] was just staring at this thing. It went on for about seven hours [the zoo opens at 2AM]. He never put any trash in, just stared at it, drawing slowly closer and closer with each passing hour. A certain darkness seemed to descend directly over that area, it became particularly windy, there was a mysterious howl. Then, after all that time, he stuck his whole arm in the device. The suction drew him into the machine and he banged his head against the cement lion part and was rendered unconscious.”
“The head will be removed immediately,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who had been observing Royer for several hours before the incident. “It’s very dangerous when you stick your whole arm into it.”
Royer was treated for a concussion and is expected to be released this afternoon. He had been granted a “zoo-release” day from the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, where he is expected to be returned.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK