Archive
BREAKING: Balloons Tied to Mailbox to Indicate Party
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Some balloons have been tied to a mailbox to indicate a party, sources are confirming.
“Yes, we tied the balloons to our mailbox,” said Northern Forest Region resident Dale (female) Bonds. “We thought it might be a good way for our guests to know that, this, this is where the party is.”
The balloons were tied to the mailbox around 11:00 AM, Northern Region Time.
“There was some confusion on our part,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who passed by the balloons shortly thereafter. “The party was at 1:00 PM (Northern Region Time) but the balloons were out there two hours before. I drove by a few times and then I inquired at the house. That’s when I was told they were for a party.”
The lovely balloons.
“It’s an interesting idea,” Gee-Temple added after a long silence.
The party was held to celebrate the birthday of Bonds’ 95-year old grandmother, Eunice.
“Grandmom had a great time and more people were able to find the party because of those balloons,” stated Bonds.
“I thought they were great,” said attendee and relative Del Bonds. “Until I saw those balloons, I was driving in an endless loop of confusion and increasing terror. It had been hours since I had eaten and I ended up in a derelict parking lot, scared, afraid, hungry, and cold. But then I looked up and I saw the balloons and I thought- why, they must signify something. And I knew that something had to be something celebratory, joyous even. After all, they were balloons on the mailbox. It would have been different if there was something scary tied to the mailbox like kaleidoscopic images of death or a detestable water lizard from another epoch. Thankfully, they were bright, strong, full balloons.”
Bonds says she plans to use the balloons again.
“We have a lot of parties and people really liked the balloons. Yes, I believe we will certainly use them again.”
Ask Catrin
Catrin Lloyd-Bollard is an expert at answering questions.
Dear Ms. Catrin,
I use a gravy ladle to measure out brown sugar. The ladle fits perfectly into a measuring cup and I use the ladle bottom to tamp down the sugar so it’s packed.
The other day a friend saw me doing this and said, “You must be shit-all stupid using a god damn gravy ladle like that.”
I thought I was being really clever but what do you think?
Confused in the Kitchen
Hill Area
Dear Confused,
Once I got locked out on my roof and used a pair of tweezers to pick the lock and get back inside.
Ms. Catrin
Dear Ms. Catrin,
My husband and I were having some marital problems so we went to a counselor. The counselor told us to take an interest in each other’s hobbies. I’ve tried, Ms. Catrin, but it just makes me sick to go down to the dump and shoot at trash.
What should I do?
UNHAPPY IN OUTLANDS
Dear Unhappy,
Murder is usually an effective solution.
Yours truly,
Ms. Catrin
Dear Ms. Catrin,
So, you know, I was standing around the garage getting some tires put on my car and, you know, Gary, who is the mechanic, he kept dropping the tires and they’d roll away into a meadow, so he’d grab some other tires down from the wall and then he’d drop those too and after awhile, I noticed that every time he was dropping the tires, you know, he’d look at me, like, you know, up my skirt and all and now I’m thinking he really likes me.
Should I just, you know, let him keep dropping the tires and see what happens or what? I mean, I kind of have to get back to work, you know, but he is really good looking and he’s greasy which, you know, is kind of hot.
OK,
Gung Ho in the Garage (female)
Mercantile District
Dear Gung Ho,
Things like “work” should never get in the way of a potential romance. Let him keep dropping the tires and see where it goes. Also, if you could write back and let me know how many tires he dropped before anything happened, that would be great. I have a bet with another advice columnist.
With anticipation,
Ms. Catrin
Samways and Fick: Consultants, the Letter of Recommendation Experts
The letter of recommendation. The hallmark of a successful job application.
Did you know that 98% of letters of recommendation have been scientifically proven to be failures?* But what can you do? You have to ask someone in a position to write one– such as a current or former supervisor, a professor or mentor or a volleyball coach. But what do you do if these people can’t write? Or if they simply don’t have the time? Or if you waited way too long to ask and now they’re out coaching volleyball in some distant Lankville province? What can you do?
Thankfully, Samways and Fick: Consultants have created a “Letters of Recommendations” arm designed to fulfill all of your non-sexual letters of recommendation needs. We now have an entire stable of important-sounding individuals who will tailor a custom letter to fit your desired (non-sexual) position (non-sexual). Our experts will tirelessly refer to the job posting or job description to find your specific skills and knowledge that are included in the letter and are partially-guaranteed to make you a top-flight candidate. Some letters are even written by Dr. Samways and Dr. Fick!**
Body of the Letter
Dr. Fick.
The body of your Samways and Fick Recommendation letter™ will reference your skills, qualities, areas of knowledge and other assets (non sexual) while stressing your vibrant personality, your enhanced people skills and how you look in an off-color pantsuit. Our experts will start by making a list of your strengths which you would like conveyed in your recommendation (limit ten strengths– after, $49.99 per additional strength).
Our experts will then compose sentences which include references that will make these assertions about your assets seem more credible. As these sentences mount they will become paragraphs. The magic of professional writing!
These assets might consist of a project or role where you successfully applied a certain skill. Citing accomplishments where value was added to your organization and describing the strengths which enabled you to generate these results can be particularly compelling. Any trophies or medallions you have won will be mentioned and perhaps photographed for use in our Samways and Fick Recommendation Letter Appendix™ which can be included with your letter for an additional fee.
Letter Closing
The closing of a Samways and Fick Recommendation letter™ is partially-guaranteed to send you out with a bang!
Dr. Samways
We may elect to mention that we would like to hire you. We might say something like, “if not for those fires that have been ravaging the Lankville Pines Area we would certainly hire [your name here].” We may include a positive statement about our belief that you would be an outstanding addition to any staff. If applicable, we may grade you physically– candidates with an 8 or higher on the dumper tend to fare better than those with a lower score.
At Samways and Fick: Consultants, we don’t believe in trite valedictions. Your letter will not conclude with worn out cliches like “kind regards”, “best wishes”, or “thanks again, what a great time that was.” At S&F, we have an entire stable of distinctive farewells. Everything from “lusciously yours” to “within the realms” and everything in between.
Contact us now.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
*-See Samways and Fick: 98% of Letters of Recommendation Have Been Scientifically Proven to Be Failures. “The Samways and Fick Journal”, No. 88, p. 265.
**- this is rare.
National Gallery of Lankville Art to Exhibit Rare Painting
By Charles A. Pappas
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A rare painting by Linda Ten Boom, Lankville’s best-known artist, will be exhibited for the first time in over twenty years, sources are confirming.
“The Candy Hamlet”, painted in 1959, has been shown only twice since it was acquired by a private collector in 1965.
“It’s an extraordinary vision,” noted head curator Chet Lemons. “It may be said to belong to Ten Boom’s “Pink Maudlin Period” but really it is its own singular creation.”
The Candy Hamlet, 1959.
“The Candy Hamlet” will be exhibited for one month only before returning to a private collection. Tickets are already sold out for the first three weeks.
“I remember when Mom painted “The Candy Hamlet,”, said Ten Boom’s oldest son Kent. “She had just completed a long period of dark, tortured religious work, much of it drawing on her obsessions with Eastern Lankville Plains iconography. And then, suddenly, this glittering, sugary candy village came out of nowhere. I remember my sister and I were transfixed.”
“It remains my favorite of Mom’s work,” Ten Boom added after a long silence.
Ten Boom (1919-1962) has permanent exhibitions at several Lankville galleries. “There is no question, she is a modernist master,” noted Lemons. “Our greatest 20th century painter.”
Art lovers may contact the National Gallery of Lankville for more information (after 10 pm). Limited tickets for the final week of the exhibition are still available.
Photo of Schropp in Tux Fetches Big Price at Auction
By Bobby Pinewood
A rare photo of Lankville Daily News contributor Brian Schropp wearing a tuxedo fetched a high price at an auction held last night in the Central Lankville Showy Suburban Area, sources are confirming.
The $90,000 photograph.
A noted collector is believed to have paid $90,000 for the image.
“It’s the only known photo of Schropp wearing a tuxedo. And he looks really miserable. Everyone just loved it,” said auctioneer Brad Arrangements.
An event photographer snapped the famous image at a 1995 wedding.
“I remember being somewhat displeased with the culinary offerings,” Schropp noted in an interview held outside the Pizza A-Round late last night. “It is falsely assumed that pizza does not belong at a wedding. My entire life’s work has been about contesting this stilted worldview.”
Schropp paused to watch some trash suddenly blow in from the east.
“I am lusciously delighted though that somebody would pay that much for my picture. I have a number of other pictures that people might like. There are a lot of shots of my Dad and I sitting around various birthday cakes. Perhaps they would be of interest?”
After a pause to watch more trash blow in from the east, Schropp was told they would not be of interest.
“Well, it’s still a delight,” the food critic averred.
OPINION: I’m Jolly Roger, and I’m Jolly Well Going to Rape and Pillage Along the Coast of Lankville this Spring
Did you ever notice that no one ever uses the word “pillage” without appending said word to its cousin, “rape”? The Oxford English Dictionary defines “pillage” as “The action or an act of plundering, sacking, or looting a place, esp. in war; depredation, robbery. In early use also: extortion; unjust taxation or exaction (obs.).” “Rape,” meanwhile, can mean “The act of taking something by force; esp. the seizure of property by violent means; robbery, plundering. Also as a count noun: an instance of this, a robbery, a raid.” More commonly, in our modern usage, of course, it means “the act or crime, committed by a man, of forcing a woman to have sexual intercourse with him against her will, esp. by means of threats or violence. In later use more generally: the act of forced, non-consenting, or illegal sexual intercourse with another person; sexual violation or assault.”
Words matter. Their definitions matter, too.
I’m a married man myself. I don’t care for nonconsensual sexual intercourse; most of the year I live quietly with my wife and children, along with our two dogs, in a secluded cove in the Southern Exotic Islands. Occasionally I take the boys out and we throw the odd stone at a Caramel Dragon. That’s about the most exciting, and, from an ethical standpoint, questionable thing that we ever get up to at home.
But I’m a pirate. So when spring comes I don’t stand on ceremony, or engage in sophistry or euphemism. No pirate has ever gotten anywhere by shouting, as he jumps from the poop deck to the gangway and from the gangway to the gangplank, boarding his victims’ ship, “Avast ye! I’m here to extort you by unjust taxation!” So I rape. And I pillage. In that order.
You see, when I board that ship and set sail over the Lankville Straits to the Partial Icy Regions, and I catch sight of you through the “spyglass,” to me you are not a fellow citizen or sailing enthusiast enjoying the fine spring weather we enjoy in these parts, taking your ease on a boat or at the beach; you are a “landlubber,” a “scalawag,” a “picaroon”; depending on age and gender, you may also be a “strumpet” or a “wench.”
And you had better believe I will treat you as such.
Indeed, I’ll not be “hornswaggled” out of what’s rightfully mine. So you can expect lots of raping, and lots of pillaging. When that’s done, you can expect to “dance the hempen jig” and sleep in “Davy Jones’ locker.” That’s just the way it is. I didn’t invent these terms, and I didn’t make up the rules. When you’re at home, you don’t “pillage” the icebox (I hope!); you open it, select what you want, your cheese and bread and beverage, and then you close it again. I do, too.
But in spring, when the days get longer and my sails grow full with a nice warm breeze, well, then it’s a different story altogether: I’m jolly well going to rape and pillage. I’ll do it cheerfully, indiscriminately, and not without (I hope!) some kindness and humility. And if there’s time, I might even get in some plundering, too.
STUDY: Bumpkins Like Trampolines
Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A study today revealed that bumpkins like trampolines.
Lankville Southern Easier University professor Greeve Tinders, who led the study, said that 89% of bumpkins queried admitted to owning a trampoline or “utilizing one frequently”.
“The study merely confirms what we had thought,” noted Tinders. “You can drive through the hills and observe the preponderance of trampolines and trampoline stores. They really like them.”
Researchers interviewed 325 bumpkins ranging in age from 13 to 75 about trampolines. The subjects were from an unnamed hill area in Northwestern Lankville. A series of trampoline lifestyle questions were asked as well.
“It appears that many bumpkins feel the trampoline to be a necessity. Some bumpkins admitted to owning two or three,” said Tinders.
“Many indicated that they liked having a trampoline for both the front and back yards,” Tinders added after a long pause.
Detailed results will be published in several easier-level academic journals.
LANKVILLE PEOPLE: Bus Colonel Gus Heinz
Colonel Gus Heinz
I hope you’re not one of them smart asses that thinks a man can’t be a bus colonel. I mean, I really hope– for your sake. Cause I’ll tell you right now, there ain’t no tougher bus colonel in all of Lankville than Gus Heinz.
Go ahead. Try me.
I been a bus colonel since 1981. I started driving in ’72. Number 9 bus at first. The Warm Peninsula Regions mostly. Then in ’75 they give me Route 17 to the Outlands and back.
You wanna’ see what kind of fucking balls a bus driver’s got? Give him 17 to the Outlands.
I ran that route for 6 years, never missed a day. Back in the canteen, after a long day behind the wheel, we’d have a little poker game.
The other guys, they’d say, “How can you do it, Gus? That route ain’t nothing but fucking pillheads, tarts, and bumpkins. How can you fucking stand it?”
“I got an aim in mind, boys,” I’d say. “I got an aim in mind. Gus Heinz has big fucking things in mind.”
Then, in ’81, I come up for review. Old Colonel Waynecastle was on the board. He didn’t say much until the end. I’ll never forget that moment when his steely eyes fixed on me.
“Boy, you’ve been driving Route 17 for six years?”
I stood at attention. You bet your ass you stand for attention when a bus colonel addresses you.
“YES SIR.”
He nodded but he didn’t say no more after that. Then, the next morning, when I picked up my copy of The Bus Transaction Summary (that was the trade paper back then), I saw that the colonel had been killed in a challenge.
I got me a little flag that morning, fixed it to my bus, and flew it at half mast in memory. And that– that was against code. You wasn’t allowed to have no flags on your bus. But I had to show my respect.
Well, after a couple of weeks they called me in again. I thought– shit, they found out about that flag that I mentioned earlier. I was sweating bullets. But instead, they started putting all these medals on my standard issue shirt, gave me a hell of a nice hat.
There was a short ceremony. They made me a bus colonel.
“You understand the responsibility that comes with this, Gus?” they asked.
I sure as shit did.
And I still do today.
If you’re under Colonel Gus Heinz, well, you can expect to be rode pretty tough. Tough but fair. Lot of guys can’t handle it. Lot of guys end up ducking out, can’t stand the heat. But if you stick around, you too, can be a bus colonel.
Just like me.
Thanks to Shane Meyer.
Drunken Reporter Gump Tibbs Arrested on Riding Mower
By Patt Higher-Watts
Lankville Daily News columnist Gump Tibbs was arrested last night, sources are confirming.
Police used a rope to secure the combative 52-year-old Tibbs whose blood-alcohol content was nearly five times the legal limit as he drove a lawn tractor and carried a box of beer along the Deep Eastern Suburban thruway, court documents state.
Tibbs is also being charged with several counts of trespassing after it was reported that he weaved his Neptune Cadet lawn tractor across several nearby lawns.
Police were alerted to Tibbs’ behavior around 11 p.m.
Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene, saw Tibbs standing in the road holding a box of beer. “Mr. Tipps [sic] had left the tractor running along the road and was attempting to disengage a beer from the cardboard box.”
Gee-Temple could smell alcohol on Tibbs and observed him stumble as he walked, according to court documents. Tibbs, who had slurred and slow speech, told Gee-Temple he was driving the lawn mower to a friend’s house.
Tibbs in Trouble
“He was wearing his customary white suit but it was just splattered with grass stains and beer,” the intrepid detective noted.
Gee-Temple then said that Tibbs became uncooperative and combative, failed to comply with the trooper’s commands, and was taken into custody after two other officers arrived, according to court documents.
“He called me some lewd, offensive names,” said Gee-Temple. “We don’t cater much to that sort of behavior.”
Tibbs had to be carried to the state police cruiser. The tractor was impounded.
Upon leaving the state police station to be transported to the Deep Eastern Suburban Memorial Jail, Tibbs continued to be aggressive, police said. He indicated that Gee-Temple better watch his back and said, “I am going to bury you.”
Tibbs has been charged with driving while under the influence of alcohol, disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, not having a registration and certificate of title, lewd language and threatening an officer.
The News had not issued a statement as of this morning.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: THE SUCCESS MATRIX®
Dr. Fick, of Samways and Fick
In an increasingly complex business landscape fraught with challenges, death, and torture, companies must have an explicit strategy in place to position themselves for success. How do you know if your business is succeeding? How do you know if your business is growing? Is your location no longer viable because of that foreign swingers lounge that moved in next door?
Fortunately, all of these questions can be answered by The Samways and Fick Success Matrix®.
What is the Samways and Fick Success Matrix®? Does it really work?
The answer to all these questions is Yes!®
The Samways and Fick Success Matrix® is all about managing individuals with more than one reporting line but may also be used to manage cross functional business groups and other forms of working that cross the standard vertical business units of function, space and geography.
Did you fall asleep? That’s alright– because at Samways and Fick, Consultants, we will take care of all your Success Matrix needs.
We want you to imagine a series of boxes (it can also be a pyramid, your choice) filled with your data. Now imagine these boxes (or the pyramid, your choice) on a large poster. Now imagine the poster on a wall (or taped to a whiteboard, your choice). You have successfully shared your data with your cohorts. “Please look at the posters and you’ll see our Success Matrix,” you will say. “Notice the pyramid rubrics,” you’ll then say. Why? What is the result?
The result is that, thanks to the Samways and Fick Success Matrix®, you have complete and total command of this meeting.
Dr. Samways
A testimonial:
“We didn’t know what to do. We had an employee who caused internal issues from day one from severe absenteeism, to spreading negativity throughout the office, to a loss in production, to initiating challenges on a regular basis. How to exterminate him was of major concern to us especially since his birthday was coming up and we really, really didn’t want to have to go buy one of those supermarket cakes. You know how you have to stand there at the counter and wait for the ponderous guy in the white coat to write out the guy’s name in icing? I just couldn’t imagine doing that. Plus, he had a long foreign name and nobody knew how the hell to spell it. Anyway, Samways and Fick (Consultants) came in and led us through the process of uncovering the issues and dealing face-to-face with performance management and ultimately discipline procedures through the Success Matrix®. While it was a difficult thing to lure him out into the woods, it was in the best interest of all concerned. We are now operating at maximum speed with increased production using employees who no longer have to deal with such a negative internal roadblock. Thanks Samways and Fick!
Call us today. We are mildly excited to begin preparing your Success Matrix®
Samways and Fick, Consultants: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Running with the Bumpkins – a Lankville News Special Report
By Ida Rumpus
This is the time of year when dedicated runners begin gearing up for the Vitiello Decorative Hams Lankville Marathon, which takes place on April 17 (registration now open). With shoes laced tight and parkas secure against harsh winds blowing down from the Lankville Partial Icy Regions, intrepid citizens begin venturing out on longer and longer training runs, dreaming of their upcoming jaunt through “Pork Glitter Alley” (miles 10-13) or anticipating the grueling crucible of the “Chute of Shame” (miles 18-22).
But some would-be marathoners have reported strange sightings as they wind through “The Woods” or circumambulate The Mud Pits during longer runs: Odd shapes keeping pace with them for a mile or two, sticking close to the shadows, making cooing noises before mysteriously dropping away.
Having sifted the facts and interviewed dozens of local fitness enthusiasts – not to mention studying footage and images hurriedly shot by panicked runners – this reporter has uncovered the alarming truth: The bumpkins are running. In droves.
This bumpkin attempted to give a press conference on the running phenomenon but ended up just waving his arms for 45 minutes.
“Bumpkin behavior is hard to predict, especially as the weather turns,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who has become somewhat of an expert as he continues to work the “bumpkin beat” for the Lankville Police Force. Yet area psychologist Winifred P. Temple (unclear relation to the detective) believes bumpkins are given a bad rap. “They’re people. They’re outside. They need exercise, just like everyone else. Sue them,” she said.
Berenice Cradles, millennial entrepreneur and recent MacLankan Genius awardee, is planning to run her fifth consecutive Lankville Marathon this spring. She was out running last weekend in the Deep Lankville Basin Area, a loop that allows her to do “double duty” and inspect ongoing construction on her upcoming mixed-use complex, tentatively named {[@**]}, when she noticed a band of bumpkins jogging alongside her.
“Normally I like to run with my posse,” said Cradles, “but sometimes you just need to get out and let the ideas flow.” Cradles was blissfully riffing on anagrams for her favorite slogan “Lankville: Comeback Nation,” (“Love me, taint ball knock…”) when she saw them. They were surprisingly spry, averred the young genius, with five or six bumpkins moving swiftly through the undergrowth and gravelly pits spotting the Basin.
“I have to say, the bumpkins were pushing me there for a little while.”
Then as Cradles neared her Prius, parked at the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall, the bumpkins suddenly disappeared.
Ex-boyfriend Josh Wilson-Shires, who’d waited patiently in the car to drive Cradles home, was disturbed when she told him of the incident.
“Harmless or not, I don’t like it,” he said, echoing the sentiments of many Lankville residents. Yet it remains unclear what, if any, laws the bumpkins might be breaking as they shadow runners on their routes about town – or what, if anything, can be done about it.
Pondicherry: “Thank You, Dumb Bumpkins”
President Pondicherry
President Pondicherry last night thanked all the “dumb bumpkins” who helped him win election in 2016.
“I love Lankville and I really love the untaught hill bumpkins who voted for me,” Pondicherry noted, at a small rally that was twice interrupted by fire. “I’m personally proud of all the wandering brainless feeble-minded clods who came down out of the hills and made their presence felt.”
“God bless Lankville,” the President noted after a strange, nigh-supernal pause.
It is unclear exactly how many bumpkins voted for Pondicherry in the general election.
“Well, only about 50 people voted anyway,” said political analyst Brock Belvedere, Jr. “I think it would be safe to say that there were some bumpkins in that group. Provided they could find their way out of the hills, of course.”
Pondicherry reminded rally attendees that he would soon be making Lankville great again, forever.
“We’re building the pyramids as we speak,” the President noted. “They’re big pyramids. You can fit a lot of people in there.”
Pondicherry wandered off unattended and the interview was ended prematurely.
Unclear Why Bumpkins Coming Out of Hills in Groups
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
It remains unclear this morning why large groups of bumpkins began coming out of the hills yesterday.
The bumpkins are currently assembled in open fields and derelict parking lots all over Eastern Lankville.
“We have received no specific demands or instructions from their leaders,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was monitoring the scene. “We’re not entirely sure if they even have leaders. Bumpkins are often not organized enough to receive instructions through any sort of chain of command.”
Nearly fifty bumpkins were seen in the rear of the Three Pines Double-Tiered Strip Mall in the Deep Lankville Basin Area.
“They assembled all through the day and were still there when I pulled out last night,” said Tammy Nails owner Tammy La Hoyt. “They were quiet and all. Didn’t ask for nothing.”
One of the bumpkin groups that filed into Eastern Lankville yesterday.
Some shopkeepers, citizens and animals were alarmed by the unannounced presence.
“I want them to leave,” said a housewife who refused to be identified and was nearly hysterical. “We’re locking our doors now. We’re locking our doors.”
Several attempts to speak with the bumpkins were fruitless.
“You kind of wade into one of the groups and the group just sort of slowly breaks apart like a piece of soggy bread or a prized magazine that you accidentally left out on your back porch in the rain,” said Lankville Daily News correspondent Brock Belvedere, Jr. “Then, when you give up and start walking away, the bumpkin group comes back together again and the little aimless puttering starts anew.”
Gee-Temple was unsure of what action would be taken today.
“I don’t think we’ll be indiscriminately firing guns at them,” the detective noted in a low, distant voice.
A press conference is expected later today.
Hushed Moments with Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Men’s lives are hectic.
That’s why it’s important to make time for a few “hushed moments” every day. Dr. Kevin Thurston (expert on men’s feelings) is here to help you achieve this.
I’d like you to imagine that every moment has a feeling attached to it (because it does). You may be feeling anger, rage, disappointment, or complete and total lack of sexual fulfillment. But that’s alright. A hushed moment is your balm.
Find a room or a shed that can be your “hushed moments place”. Remove everything from this place– there should be no distractions. Soon, there will be a hushed moment closet in the offices of Dr. Kevin Thurston but I am currently bartering with the contractors on a proper method of payment. I’ve got some really good seasonal items right now. It’s just a matter of hammering out a deal.
Many of you may say– “Dr. Thurston (expert on men’s feelings), I cannot find my way to that room, closet or shed of calm where the hushed moments happen.” This is common. But we all must make a series of terrible mistakes, many of which are life-altering, boring or stupid, in order to find our road map. But you will know when you have arrived at your destination when the “old you” is no longer recognizable and a new man with new feelings has been born.
I also have a portable GPS navigator (not updated since 2012) that I can let go for $29.99 if you weren’t speaking metaphorically.
Give yourself a pat on the back for wanting to feel better, for desiring the hushed moments.
It’s going to be okay.
PUBLIC SHAME: I Was Lurking Again
By Otis Nixon
A LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: PUBLIC SHAME SPECIAL
You kind of know when you’re slipping.
I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years. Without fail, I go to the support group that meets in the gym on Tuesdays. Things have been pretty solid with Teri. The News gave me the big Keebaugh scoop. And there haven’t been any false reports about me dying lately. Been a solid couple of months.
Even so, where did I find myself last night?
Lurking. Lurking in a swamp.
I’ll tell you about it. So, I was down outside the Great Lankville Swamps of the South. We were initially doing a story about how a lot of the towns down there are just sinking into the swamps. Matter of fact, I was supposed to go out to this island that had been a big resort at one time. They put me up in a motel room and told me to wait. So, I got a pack of tall-boys, a basket of wings and a pile of magazines. I thought, hell, why not make a night of it? So, I’m just lying around getting a little drunk and then I get a call and they tell me the island just partially collapsed into the swamp. Then, after about an hour, the guy calls again. “Ok, well, it just completely sunk into the swamp. I’m calling from a raft.”
Well, that was that.
So, I called up Marles Cundiff (Lankville Daily News editor) and asked him what I should do. “Whyn’t you just wander around in some of the swamps, just get a feel for ’em. We’ll make it a kind of travel/human interest piece,” he said.
The next morning, I rented a car and drove down to the northern edge of the swamps. There were a number of dirt service roads and I followed one out to the edge. There was another guy there, dumping a couple of corpses into the slough and I asked him about that, figuring on getting a good quote for my story. But he wasn’t interested in talking much.
I wandered around for awhile and I got more and more lost. I got a little panicky. I removed my dress shirt straight over my head and lowered myself slowly into the bog. I saw more guys pulling up along the distant fringes, dumping bodies. “Jesus Christ, they have a real problem with that down here,” I thought to myself, in a rare moment of lucidity. It passed and I covered my face with mud and began moving slowly through the muck.
Hours flew by. I came upon a finger of land jutting out into the mire. There was a cabin on stilts and a homespun woman hanging wash on a clothesline that reached from the house to a pole that rose impossibly out of the water. When she was finished, the line suddenly broke and all the clothes dropped into the swamp, disappearing forever.
She didn’t seem bothered by this at all– it was as though she expected it. I was intrigued.
And then, before I knew it, I was lurking.
I lurked all night. Just outside the range of her meager porch light. I believe she heard me a few times, I believe she knew I was there. By morning, surrounded by mysterious submerged creatures, I was hysterical and completely covered in swamp mud. The authorities found me.
I awoke in a small, ill-lit cell still covered in mud. The mud dropped off of me in great chunks. I suddenly became aware of a detective. I cleared my eyes and saw it was Gee-Temple.
“Lurking again, huh, Nixon?”
And I had to admit my shame.
I also told him about all the dumped bodies but he didn’t seem too concerned with that.
So, now, I’m starting over. I am Otis Nixon. I am a lurker.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK