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Is Online Dating Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
Zach Keebaugh
Yo, there’s about a million online dating sites these days for single Lankvillians to pick from– Companions, Fair Enough Cupid, The Bump, The Pumpkin Patch, Smackers, and Sunshine, GO! are just a few of the more popular platforms. With tens of thousands of eligible ladies online, you’d think a guy could do pretty good for himself, could ratchet up some serious clean and jerk skills, if you know what I’m saying. But is online dating safe? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.
First thing I did was go undercover. Some real cloak and dagger shit, dog. Made up a bunch of fake names and used my cousin Steve’s picture for my ad– Steve’s got a face like a cherub but there’s an element of danger in his eyes– the ladies eat that fucking crap up.
Within minutes, I got several replies– even got a picture of some girl half-wrapped in a blanket on a couch flashing nothing but bare ass out the back. So, I sent her a message– “that blanket is rad, girlfriend” followed by a couple of those shiny cat stickers and a smiley face. She wrote back pretty quickly:
I’m an assertive woman with a sweet, “accommodating” boyfriend, and I’m very interested in finding someone(s) to hang out with, while he’s made to follow a few steps behind.
She invited me to meet her (and her boyfriend) at an abandoned airplane hangar in the Lankville Outlands. “He’ll be dressed as a dragon,” she wrote. “You’ll see him instantly. But you’ll have to find me!” The whole affair sounded pretty killer but was it safe? Before I said yes, I figured on making a call to Berenice Bruno, of the Lankville Online Safety Steering Committee.
“You should always meet someone for the first time in a public place, Zach,” said Bruno. “You should never, under any circumstances, meet a woman for the first time in her home or in a location that is abandoned or derelict.”
“Why?” I probed. “Plenty of open space in an airplane hangar. What’s the worst that could really happen? Besides, this is prime time shit, this is. Dude’s gonna’ be dressed as a fucking dragon.”
“All the more reason to be doubtful, Zach. Your first date with someone you meet online should be one-on-one. And you should always be leery of anyone dressed in a costume. That’s a real red flag right there, Zach.”
I let it ride a minute. Then I went in for the probe. “Is online dating safe?”
“Under certain circumstances, of course.”
“What about inter-investigation dating? You got a ruling in your little book there on that one?”
Bruno blushed and I figured on pursuing that lead a little later.
I decided to take her advice. I switched up my profile a bit, hoping to get a little classier action. I still couldn’t use my own photograph (I’m a pretty big deal around Lankville these days– can’t even walk down the street without some clown pulling up and asking me to investigate some dogshit cause), so instead I used a pic of my homeboy Brian Schropp. I was banking on Brian’s sweet and tender nature luring the ladies in like a hermit to a cave.
Unfortunately, I didn’t think about Schropp being a celebrity too. So, I ended up getting nothing but requests from fat girls who wanted discounted pizza or some review of their bullshit new cupcake kiosk. But for the sake of the investigation, I asked one out.
Her name was Vancette and we met up in the Red Room of the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall). I saw her first and let me just say, she was selling it everywhere. I sidled up to her at the bar.
“Who are you?”
“Yeah, listen, I’m zach132 from Companions. Sorry about the fake photo.”
“So…you’re not…Brian Schropp?”
“Nope. I’m all Keebaugh.” I threw open the sports jacket I had borrowed from my cousin for effect.
She seemed real disappointed. “I was really hoping you’d be Brian Schropp. I’ve always wanted to meet Brian Schropp. Have you read his wonderful reviews? He has such a refined palette. Such a sweet and tender soul. It’s going to be a lucky gal that ends up…”
I cut her off. “Listen, why don’t we get a table. After all, meat is the special tonight.”
“I don’t think so. I feel…well…disappointed and lied to.” Then, she suddenly hit me in the face with her purse. It was just like a movie– everybody stared and DJ Humphrey stopped spinning for a minute.
Later on, I called up Berenice Bruno and told her what happened.
“Well, that’s another thing about online dating, Zach. You need to be honest, forthright. It’s only fair.”
“Is online dating safe?” I probed, suddenly.
She sighed but we kept chatting on awhile after that.
So there you have it, yo, quick and easy safety tips for the first date meeting from an online connection. That shit is delivered.
OPINION: I Step Aside for No Earthly Being
By Carl Dunn
You’ve seen me. A demon in a kind of nightmare, perhaps?
Out at Twin Removed Pines Mall, over in the corner of Lot B by the frozen meat store. The boarded-up fotomat.
I live there. But maybe not for long. The Lankville government wants me out.
Back in June, when I set up my patio furniture around the fotomat, was when they first noticed. A man from the mall, his face like a pitiless crag and bearing the degenerate name of Kites. He told me I’d have to leave. I issued a hard challenge.
I pointed to a nearby half-demolished grove. “Over there. Shirts off. Five minutes.”
Turns out Kites was as chickenshit as his profligate handle. Never showed up. And time moved forward.
Then, it was October. I was planting some bulbs in the aprons of dirt on either side of the fotomat. I take care of that which I am owed.
The interlopers pulled up in a fancy town car. One of them was the pretender king, Pondicherry himself.
He looked at the fotomat for awhile. Tried the door (I hinged one of the plywood cover-ups for easy access).
“The spirit of Lankville is resiliency,” he said. “From a small seed grows homes. This is nice, what you have here. I admire your frontier spirit.”
The Sanctuary (fotomat)
I couldn’t understand anything he was talking about. This was no frontier. It was merely the soil of the Eastern Lankville Suburbs. Born and bred, I am.
Pondicherry spoke again. “I’m afraid there are people, deep within our government, who disapprove of you living in this abandoned fotomat. I am not one of them. However, the people have spoken.” And that’s when he handed me my eviction papers.
“You can hand me these papers,” I said. “But you’ll have a fight on your hands. The Dunn’s are bound to this here earth. And we possess an implacable and bitter reserve of undefeat. I will fit you into a world that is smaller than the one in which you find yourself. It is my intent to summon the effluvium of hell.”
He looked dazed. Then he vomited. It was a grotesque farrago of candy and pancakes. His seconds whisked him away. The paper I buried. The men who wrote it– they shall one day emerge from a holocaust which will take all security from them. Slashes of light shall not penetrate the dull gloom of their wasted lives.
I continued planting bulbs. I acquired the frozen meats and seared them across an open flame.
It was December. I looked across the lot. A wild Outlander on a ladder, hanging glitzy decorations over the lamp poles.
I approached him.
“It is my intent to annex this part of the lot,” I told him. “You witness that homestead?” I pointed to the fotomat.
“What? You mean that old photo booth?” His tongue was of a lower-order. An inscrutable creature.
“Aye. It can no longer hold me. I intend to build.”
“…This is the mall’s property. The fuck you think you can build there?” Colorful whorish balls ringed in gold appeared from his box. Monstrous.
I spat and went back to the ancestral edifice.
Construction began this morning. Men ringed me as I worked. But I worked consistently through dinner. They know now.
The opinions of Carl Dunn are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
I’m Thankful…for Men
By Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
I’m thankful…for men.
What does that mean, Dr. Thurston? (that’s you asking). It means that any true empowering of one’s presence requires the acknowledgement of one’s own vulnerability. And there is no better time than the holidays to become vulnerable. Breakthroughs only occur after fear, horrific dread and naked, quaking vulnerability. And after giving thanks.
One exercise in your Thurston Methods workbook (just $19.99, $29.99 with online access code) is to draw a large cube on a piece of poster board. You will now fill that cube with all the things for which you are thankful. I’d like to draw a circle, a patient of mine once suggested. Although I was thankful for his advice, I made it quite clear that the shape would be a cube because it’s outlined in the workbook. Editing the workbook would require a reprinting that would raise its suggested retail price thereby preventing me from passing on savings to my patients. You can’t have it both ways.
I put my hands together in a pacific manner and watched as the men filled in their cubes. When the task was completed, I asked the men how they felt. Many were reticent to speak up. “You leave this exercise as a man who is now grounded in his confidence across the most important domains of life,” I offered.
You sure ’bout that? said one man (he had been assigned to my office to satisfy some court-ordered anger management hours. All we did was drew a cube an’ wrote a bunch of crap. I squatted (I always find this effective) and completed a Thurston Breathing Exercise. “Tell me about that?” I asked.
Jus’ saying. Jus’ a cube an’ whatever.
“They say we only use about 10% of the intelligence we have in our brains. I believe that’s because 80% lies in our bodies. And there’s also another 10% that just floats away, but that’s a subject for another session,” I noted.
He seemed confused but he did draw a nice cube.
Lankville Daily News Guide to Picking the Perfect Thanksgiving Day Outfit
By Ric Royer
HOLIDAY NEWS YOU CAN USE
Begin by understanding your Thanksgiving location beforehand. If you have never been there before, it will be important to case the house weeks in advance. Affect the persona of a gas and electric official, a salesman of tents, or one of those guys that solicits donations for pandas in order to have a better look. Pay close attention to doors and windows.
Avoid buying your outfit anywhere but at a large, suburban shopping mall. I generally skip the “poor” area of the mall and go straight for the luxury wing. Be sure to stop at the food court first though and loudly consume a meal rich with proteins. Be sure that at least one item you have ordered is a similar repeatable shape (you’ll see why). Complete your repast with a Cinnamon Buns. Order it “to go” and make sure the server gives you a wide basin (don’t them let tell you differently– THEY DO HAVE THEM). This way, you can rip the Cinnamon Buns apart as you walk along and let the errant pieces drop into the wide basin. Sometimes, it’s best to order two or three.
You may at first be tempted to simply purchase one of the many shirts that says “Thanksgiving” across its front– don’t be fooled. This is merely a ploy by certain retailers to sell more shirts. Ignore it. If you have the means, reach into the display case and knock over the mannequins. “I’M TEACHING YOU A LESSON,” you should say as you do this. You might save this act for last, however. Move onto the luxury retailer of your choice. Pick out a paisley blazer, red pants and some high socks that reach above the knee. Shove them onto the counter and turn your head away as though the last thing in the world you are interested in is buying these wretched rags (this often teaches the stores another lesson worth learning).
You will now want to leave the mall completely and head over to your nearest home improvement store– I recommend Home Dump. They have many locations, are severely understaffed, and easy to steal from. Pick out a bucket, a link of chain suitable to wear around the neck, a bundle of cedar wood shingles and several elongated lighters. You can hide a lot of these items in the bottom of the bucket– just throw your jacket on top! Often, they even forget to charge you for the bucket! Pay only for the shingles and the lighters.
Hopefully, by now, you will have a sense of where you be spending the big day. I want you to have a window selected– know that window. Does it push open in an inward manner (see photo)? Does it need to be thrown upward? Will it have to simply be busted through completely? Whatever the case, have your friend or lover drape a heavy canvas throw tarp directly beneath the window (so, you’ll need to go back to Home Dump and get one of those– I forgot before). Put on the chain and the red pants and keep the blazer handy in case it’s chilly.
And now, when you’re ready to greet your family, your friend’s family or your lover’s family, you come bursting through the window with one of the shingles in your hand (the shingle should be on fire). I often find it useful to have my face painted as well and to be crying but that’s your choice.
You won’t come up short with this method. Everyone will have a wonderful time.
Ric Royer is a prominent Lankville businessman. He currently lives in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution.
Gone are the Thanksgiving Hams Says Local Worker: Weepy Stories of the Holiday
By Brock Belvedere
WEEPY STORIES OF THE HOLIDAY
Sherman Fenanigans is a thin, wiry man who looks every one of his 58 years. He sports unfashionable aviator glasses, repaired many times with tape and a faded grey uniform that has been brushed so often that the bare fibers are now visible. His paper hat is dented and creased.
Sherman has been in charge of cakes at the Barlow Foods Lankville Heights location for 32 years. “I don’t bake the cakes,” he is quick to clarify. “My authority kicks in once the cakes have been removed from the oven but before they have been placed in the cardboard containers.”
He has a family of eight to support. The holidays are a particularly difficult time. And they have been made more difficult since Barlow Foods, a multi-billion dollar corporation, did away with holiday bonuses.
“It’s been about five years since they did that,” said Fenanigans, who was interviewed while watching carefully over the display case of cakes as the brisk mid-morning crowd passed by. “We used to count on that.”
“Tell us about that?” we probed.
Fenanigans at work. He has just dropped a cake into some vegetables.
“Well, for the first 10 years, they gave us a Christmas turkey. Every year. Then, they said they couldn’t do it anymore, so they gave us Thanksgiving hams. That went on for about five years. Then, they said they couldn’t get the hams anymore but that they’d give us $10 and we could buy our own hams. That went on for another two, maybe three years. Then, they stopped giving us the $10.”
Fenanigans paused to let the weight of the sad tale sink in. It didn’t. I was genuinely flummoxed by his statement.
“What happened to the hams?” I asked.
“As I said, they stopped buying them for us.”
I still was vastly confused.
“Well, I mean, what happened to the hams they were supposed to buy for you?” I probed.
He looked at me. “What do you mean, what happened to ’em? They didn’t buy ’em.”
That’s when the picture started to become clear.
“Oh, I see. So, someone else bought them.”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” he said. “I have no idea.”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
“Yeah, basically. And, so now we still have ham for Thanksgiving but it takes away money we could have spent on additional side dishes.”
He broke down then. He had to take a moment to collect himself. He handed his paper hat to me and asked me to mind the cake case. I did the best I could but I became so overwhelmed that I basically gave away all the cakes and made all kinds of additional wild promises. A manager had to be called.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow consented to a brief meeting. I explained Fenanigans’ predicament.
“The policies of giving away holiday meats were no longer viable,” he noted, calling attention to several spreadsheets with interior flip-up tables on a computer screen. “The resources were no longer there. It’s a different time now then when Mr. Renanigans [sic] was originally hired.”
But for many Barlow Foods employees, that means a skimpier holiday table.
“We’ve had to cut back on things like cranberry sauce, corn, chocolate loafs,” noted Fenanigans. “You just have to learn to let certain traditions die. But it’s difficult.”
Collector’s Corner with Bobby Pinewood
Bobby Pinewood
Today, we’re going to be looking at the 1984 Lankville Baseball League cards manufactured by Barlow Foods.
“The cards were given away as special promotions at participating Barlow Foods locations,” dealer Barri Trotz explained. “For example, let’s say you bought a big bag of carrots. Well, you’d put the carrots on the checkout counter conveyor belt. Of course, the belt would get kind of moist because bags of carrots tend to be moist. This moistness would continue to increase as the bag inched closer to the register. A creeping sort of moist horror would form, thereby….”
We interrupted Trotz and asked him to focus on the cards.
“The counter person was required to distribute a card to each customer,” Trotz continued. “There were 895 cards in the set, so you can imagine how difficult it would be to acquire all of them. Also, counter people tend to be dirty, careless hill women and so the cards would become creased and bent and generally defiled. It’s very hard, near-impossible to locate a mint set.”
Trotz showed us his prized possession– a mint set.
“Have a look at the Zach Sequence card, number 437 (pictured). You’ll remember that Lankville suffered a terrible wild burr infestation in 1983. A burr is clearly visible over the left field fence– one of the biggest I’ve ever seen photographed. The Sequence card is particularly valuable for this reason.”
“People think of baseball cards as detritus but they can be cultural artifacts as well,” Trotz averred.
Card number 682 (Outlands pitcher Otho Lud) remains the most elusive of the set.
The Sequence and Lud cards from the 1984 set.
“He was a mediocre relief pitcher but also a cannibal,” Trotz noted. “The card was recalled but a few managed to leak out. A mint Lud will set you back about $675,000.”
“Most poor people are unable to complete their sets because of Lud and his cannibalism,” the collector noted.
The set features a simple design utilizing a pennant and no border on the obverse. The reverse features detailed statistics, a second, more relaxed photo of the player (they are often shown shirtless or in bed with their wives), and a short biography.
Trotz claims that only four known sets have achieved a “Professional Sports Card Titan” rating of 10.
“We’re usually seeing in the 3-4 range on most sets,” said Trotz, who is himself a Professional Sports Card Titan.
“No question, it’s a beautiful shimmering jewel in the collector’s cosmos.”
OPINION: I’m a Total Sweetheart, I Love to Laugh and Smile, it’s Just Who I Am. I Love Kickboxing.
By LE NORA ST. JAMES, Jungle Movie Actress
I’m a total sweetheart, I love to laugh and smile, it’s just who I am. And I love kickboxing.
I got into kickboxing as a way to stay in shape while I was making jungle movies, you’ve probably seen my jungle movies a lot of people love them. I love going to the gym. And I love to laugh. Laughter is the best medicine.
I have a genuine care and heart for people and I desire to see the best in others and help people reach their full potential in life and I love kickboxing.
My newest hobbies are running and I like to run and run and run and then tell everybody all about how I just ran. I have bumper stickers on my car letting people know how far I’ve run and my goal is to experience as much as possible and I like to read about science isn’t it just fascinating? All those beautiful stars!
Fitness is really important to me but I also take care of myself inside which is why I sometimes read about science. But mostly, I stay in shape with all the kickboxing and the jungle movies it can be so stressful on the set and sometimes I just need to unwind and kick one of those big heavy bags.
I love to laugh!
Not edited for content
Gladys Martinez, Author of “Gentle Keith” Dead at 85
By Bernie Keebler
Gladys Martinez, author of the popular young adult novel “Gentle Keith” has died. She was 85.
Martinez was eaten by a pelican.
“Gentle Keith”, which was published in 1968, has long been a beloved Lankville novel. It has sold over 600,000,000 copies.
Gladys Martinez is dead.
“It’s an affectionate coming-of-age story about a dog in the medieval times,” said Martinez’ agent Doyle Alexander. “The dog must choose between the comfort of the kingdom or the freedom of the hills. Well, I won’t spoil it but, let’s just say, the dog makes the right decision.”
Alexander chortled loudly and a soda was flipped off his desk in the process causing confusion.
Martinez was born in 1930 in the Snowy Lake Regions. She was briefly a reporter for the Lankville Daily News and also wrote for several popular periodicals.
“She claimed that she had a long dream about Gentle Keith,” said Martinez’ son Dennis by phone. “And she woke up from the dream and she began writing. And the rest is history.”
Martinez was also the author of 14 other juvenile novels including Last Chance for Hippo, The Reckoning, and Pretty Gold Parties in the Lost Cities.
She is survived by 4 children, 48 grandchildren, and 298 great-grandchildren.
Medical Research by Dr. Yothers
Dr. Yothers
We have listed below some of the Medical and Laboratory research that has been done with Regent Jelly:
Many authorities still dispute the efficacy of Regent Jelly while others consider it a potential BOON to Mankind.
- Dr. Tim Teufel, Small Hills Institute of Lankville, October, 2014.
- Bedrosian’s Problem of Aging, Dr. Roy Smalley (Reprinted from Lankville Journal of Gerontology (defunct), Vol. 8, No. 3, July, 2013.
- Analyses of Regent Jelly, Pollen, and Bikes, Nevin Weaver and Charlie Huddy (Technical Contribution, No. 2865, Lankville Agricultural Experiment Station.)
- Longevity Factors in Regent Jelly, Dr. Cecilio Guante (Reprinted from BIG Lankville Journal of Aging– Digest Rack Format, Vol. 3, No. 1, January, 2013.)
We make no claims for REGENT JELLY. We have merely accumulated reports that have been made as a result of experimentation and research by Doctors, Electronics Experts, Laboratory Assistants, Nutritionists and Consultants in many parts of Lankville.
Five Ways to Repurpose Leftover Pumpkins by David Hadbawnik
FROM THE ARCHIVES
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on the proper disposal of pumpkins and gourds.
Each day, I receive hundreds of thousands of emails from readers just like you, asking about proper methods of pumpkin disposal. So, for those in a pumpkin crisis, I’ve laid down a few easy tips. So grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, relax, do a few light stretches and then read on:
1. If your pumpkin is whole and uncarved…consider moving him (all pumpkins are masculine) inside to be part of your Thanksgiving holiday decorations! I can’t tell you how many people come up to me in restaurants, bus stations and outside and say, “David, you wouldn’t believe how a few pumpkins transformed my otherwise moribund Thanksgiving interior decor!” I’m never surprised– after all, pumpkins add a splash of orange to maize displays, cranberry candle exhibits and glittered leaf table decor. And they remind us of some of our earliest Lankville settlers who ate a lot of pumpkins so there is historical value.
2. Donate them to a zoo…there is nothing a zookeeper likes better than looking up to find a family toting a rickety wagon full of old pumpkins into the park. If they refuse (they shouldn’t!), then simply make a few calls to any nearby pumpkin farm worker and ask them what to do.
3. If you carved your pumpkin just a few days prior to Halloween, then you should be able to still use the innards (or, as I like to call it, “the orange gold”) for soups, pies, candy or soda. Note: a 5-pound pumpkin can make about two 9-inch pies (utilize an electronic device for further calculations).
Not sure what to do with ALL THOSE PUMPKINS? David Hadbawnik breaks it down for you.
4. How about trying to learn more about pumpkins? Understand them better? Start a neighborhood garden and pumpkin dump. Get to know the people in your community.
5. Feed your pumpkins to a horse– or to someone who has a horse. Always ask permission first! Horses love pumpkins almost more than zoo animals. In fact, of all the animals, horses are known to like pumpkins best. (Reader recommendation).
As always, enjoy and happy holidays!
DHad
Otis Nixon: 1955-1989
By Bernie Keebler
ERRATA
Infamous Lankville lurker and Daily News columnist Otis Nixon did not die in 2014 as previously reported but actually died in 1989, sources are now confirming.
The News regrets the error.
Nixon was allegedly walking through a field wearing a fake beard. Witnesses state that he tripped on the beard and broke his neck. His body was then blown into the forest and destroyed. Later reports indicated that Nixon was blown into the forest and destroyed a year prior in 2014. No beard was involved.
Otis Nixon died in 1989.
However, an analysis of Lankville death certificates now indicates that Nixon died in 1989.
Otho Ump, who penned the false obituaries, had been placed on administrative leave. He was found guilty yesterday of spreading false information and sentenced to 65 years in prison.
“Justice is served,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive to the trial.
Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff issued an apology to Nixon’s family.
“He [Ump] really looked like a reporter with those suspenders and cigar. I admit, I was completely fooled.”
The cause of Nixon’s death is a matter of speculation although several family members indicated that he, “was deeply affected by certain Eastern Lankville philosophies, grew progressively more insane, began practicing magic on stones in his backyard and finally wandered off into the mountains.” His body was never found.
Bernie Keebler has been placed in charge of obituaries.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: ELECTRONIC LEARNING
Dr. Samways
Training is essential to any growing organization. Building your team, outfitting them in white polo shirts with mountains on them and having the right skills and abilities in place combined with high-quality and moderately effective training is fundamental to your success. An untrained employee can cost your company downtime, loyal customers, office chairs, merchandise, AND your reputation (they also often cause fires). However, traditional “electronic training platforms” can be expensive, time consuming, incomprehensible, inconvenient and leave you with nothing but a pile of papers and senseless scribbled notes as you quiver mass-like beneath your desk in a puddle of your own abominable excreta.
Samways and Fick, Consultants can help alleviate this common problem. With electronic training capabilities, employees are able to access a colorful interactive educational curriculum (our platform has a jovial cartoon horse narrator) that is outside of the traditional classroom setting and at their own convenience. Samways and Fick, Consultants has partnered with Samways and Fick: Solutions to provide you with innovative and targeted online learning and development strategies that shy away from ponderous lecture and repetition and instead blitz the user with a series of fast-moving screens intended to jackhammer the information directly into the subconsciousness of the employee (while amusing him on the conscious plane– remember, the horse).
Dr. Fick
Once the pulverizing information session is completed, we offer a range of follow-up training solutions, developed by experienced instructional designers in the Outlands that are effective and deliver results – solutions that ramp up productivity, slam performance in the ass and impact your bottom line. And that is guaranteed.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Schropp Guest Chef at Distant Island Foods Festival
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp was the guest chef this weekend at the 14th Annual “Distant Island Foods Festival” held in the basement of the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall).
Brian Schropp, shortly after his nervous collapse.
The festival, designed to promote the cuisine of the distant islands, drew a lusty crowd of gastronomes.
Schropp kicked off the event with a strange speech that ended with his nervous collapse. After a short nap and a case of strawberry milk, the writer felt better and made a “Distant Island Spring Loaf” to the delight of those attending.
“My Mom has been trying to get me to cut back on the breakfast sandwiches– I had only had three that morning. I think my blood sugar was just down,” Schropp explained.
The only notable criticism of the event was an obvious case of ageism against one unfortunate elderly woman who was not permitted to sit in a lobby chair for eight hours while her son handled some important business.
“Overall, I think it was a great success,” said festival co-founder Jerry Bigpupps. “Any promotion of the wonderful cuisine of the distant islands is a big giant shiny puffy gold star in my book.”
TODAY IN LANKVILLE
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Local Man Fired After Requesting Day Off
Prominent Lankville grocery chain Barlow Foods has come under scrutiny today after firing a man for requesting a day off.
John Barlow: Firing People?
Stan von Belinda, 39, of the Outer Lankville Marshes says he was terminated from his position as Assistant Bakery Table Adjuster after asking off for his daughter’s birthday.
“Just wanted to be with my girl,” said von Belinda, who was reportedly shocked by the dismissal. “But they had other plans.”
CEO John Barlow, reached at his Lankville Heights home, said that leave days are not part of “certain elements of the Barlow Foods Success Quotient.”
“We allow leave days for specific privileged people,” said Barlow. “However, von Belinda was not one of those persons. Those bakery tables must be adjusted.”
“I’ve seen other bakery table adjusters take off for all sorts of things. It seemed a little unfair,” said von Belinda. “I’ve been pretty accommodating with these folks, volunteering for extra days, doing all I can. Yeah, I’m a tad miffed.”
La Hoyt Takes to Social Media: “I ain’T nO Dead man [sic]”
Dick La Hoyt, whose obituary appeared yesterday, took to social media last night to refute the claim.
Dick La Hoyt: Not Dead?
“I ain’T nO Dead man [sic],” La Hoyt wrote on Lankbook last night. Interviewed later by phone, the tire shredding plant employee and Lankville Daily News columnist said the obit is pure fabrication.
“It’s a bunch of horseshit. That writer [Otho Ump] made up all that god damn crap. Tammy never said nothing about me getting punched in the mouth at no Cabinet Rascal. Dick La Hoyt’s body ain’t going in no ground. Dick La Hoyt’s body is SPOKEN FOR.”
LDN Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff has promised a full investigation.
“Obviously, the obits have had some factual errors of late. We’re looking into it,” he said.
Vice-President Sturdy Teddy Recovering
Newly-appointed Vice President of Lankville Sturdy Teddy is recovering after being shot in the face during his inauguration.
“It’s been a tough road for Sturdy Teddy, getting shot all these times,” said Personal Assistant Lubee Greene. “He’s about two-thirds of the way towards recovery. We’re looking forward to seeing what he can do.”
An assassin suddenly appeared from behind a curtain and shot Greene ten times at close range.
He is expected to recover.
Dick La Hoyt: 1963-2015
Dick La Hoyt has died.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: YES!
Popular Lankville Daily News correspondent and tire shredding plant employee Dick La Hoyt has died. He was 52.
Witnesses say that La Hoyt was punched in the mouth while arguing with an unidentified man at The Cabinet Rascal, a discount wholesalers. He died later of his injuries.
“It was not the first time that Dick had been punched in the mouth at The Cabinet Rascal,” said his wife of 21 years Tammy La Hoyt. “But it was the last.”
Relatives, friends and people that have punched Dick in the mouth can visit the Life Lessons Funeral Home, Inc. of the Eastern Suburban Edges on Friday, October 30 from 2pm to 4pm and 6pm to 8pm and again at 2:00am (but don’t bring that one guy this time). Funeral Services will be held Saturday, October 31 at 11:00am at the Three Kings O’ Great Centre of the Divine of the Eastern Suburban Edges.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK