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Cleanliness Questioned at Area Barlow Foods Store
Buck Igloos
A BUCK IGLOOS HEALTH WATCH
Cleanliness has been questioned at an area Barlow Foods store after several untoward photographs were posted online.
A view of the freezer in question.
The photographs, which appear to depict the remnants of some sort of pink frozen explosion in one of the freezers, has gone viral.
“It’s absolutely disgusting. I’m never shopping there again,” said former customer Gene (female) Cabinets. “I couldn’t believe it when I saw those images. The explosion is not even in the frozen desert freezer. It’s in the fry freezer. There’s no such thing as pink fries. So, how did it get there? It makes no sense.”
Many other customers have voiced the same concerns.
Barlow Foods head office was moving quickly this morning to explain the shameless act. CEO John Barlow himself addressed the media.
“The individuals responsible for this ghastly negligence have been terminated. The freezer has been emptied and cleaned. We will be moving forward and we hope that you will move forward with us.”
A detailed view of the frozen pink explosion.
“Move forward with Barlow Foods,” Barlow added. “A rolling army cannot be stopped by a mere pebble.”
Barlow suddenly left the lectern and his last sentence was never explained.
The store in question, the Southern White Pines location, was closed as of press time. A sign on the door read, “REPHASING PROCESS. CALL AGAIN”. Calls were not answered.
Upcoming Titles from Lankville Authors
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Here at the Lankville Daily News, we’re proud to bring you some of the finest local writing you’ll find anywhere, with a full range of hard-hitting news, opinions, funny stories, musings, and even more opinions. In fact, our authors are so prolific that even the cornucopia that is the Lankville Daily News can no longer contain them: our cup runneth over! Herewith, a roll-call of worthies, as many of the contributors to these pages will soon break into print with these upcoming titles. Look for them in a bookstore near you!
29 Lesser-Known Gourds (Shining Dome Press, $15.99), David Hadbawnik
I Want to Tell You About My New Boyfriend: The Coffee Table Book (Massage Ball Editions, $21.99), Ashley Pfeiffers
Hey, Can I Buy a Cigarette Off You: More Funny Stories from Dick Oakes, Jr. (Two-Fisted Tales Press, $5.99), Dick Oakes, Jr.
I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth While Writing This Book, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth While Writing My Next Book (Two-Fisted Tales Press, $5.99), Dick La Hoyt
Dr. Kevin Thurston, expert on Men’s Feelings, consults with an area female.
Make Your Me-Burger (for less than $10.99 a month) (Real Feelings Books, $35), Dr. Kevin Thurston
The 2,978 Lankvillians You Meet in Heaven (Fluffing Pillows Press, $11.99), Ida Rumpus
From “Appleheads” to “Zuftmerschnausen”: A Lankville Lexicon (Lankville State Press, $19.99), Dr. Glen Ogilvie
Girl Spills Milk (Memoir of a Lankville Female) (Massage Ball Editions, $14.99), Sarah Samways
Sandwiches I Have Loved (Shining Dome Press, $31.99), Brian Schropp
Musings, Cuts, and Other Viscera (Decorative Hams Products, $19.99), Chris Vitiello
Woman in a Man’s Game: Interviews with Robin Brox (Massage Ball Editions, $14.99), Robin Brox with Ida Rumpus
Scratch-Hiss-Purr: A Meow-moir (Lankville State Press, $19.99), Grumbles the Cat
This Chamber’s Loaded (My Academic Journey) (Real Feelings Books, $35), Dr. Matt Chambers
You Can Take the “Age” out of “Village” But I’m Still the Guy in Charge of Lankville (Fluffing Pillows Press, $5.99), President Pondicherry
I Want to Tell You SO Much About How My New Boyfriend and I Went to the Beach!
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I want to tell you SO much about how my new boyfriend and I went to the beach! I JUST ABOUT DIED– it was the best time EVER!
So, my new boyfriend borrowed his Mom’s station wagon and we drove down to the Lankville Standard Sand Beach on the Eastern Coast. It was a three-hour drive but my new boyfriend wasn’t really worried about it. “Ash, I’d drive to the end of the world with you.” OH MY GOD, I was so nervous and shaky! We had brought a tub of fries for the trip and I accidentally dropped them out the open passenger window.
My new boyfriend took it OK but he was a little disappointed. “Shoot, I really wanted to crush some of those fries,” he said.
“I’ll make it up to you,” I responded. He stopped the car right away in the gravel lot of a country peach stand and we made out for awhile. I think the peach guy, an old farmer in overalls, was a little confused. Finally, he came over and asked if we were terrorists.
“We’re just SO in love,” I told him. He looked back at the peach cart and then he spit in the gravel. “Alright, I can unnerstand that,” he said. And he gave us some peaches for free! He was SO NICE!
An hour later we arrived at our motel– the Thunderbird Inn. It had a pool and EVERYTHING! We got room number 11. My new boyfriend said, “That’s because we’re two people sharing one heart, Ash.” I was SO HAPPY that I got kind of confused and ended up walking into the wrong room. There were a bunch of guys in there watching some girls wrestle. It smelled terrible- like cigarette smoke! But I was just on CLOUD NINE anyway!
Then, we went out to the beach. I had on a new pink bikini that I got at the mall and my new boyfriend had some really super long swim trunks that went down well below his knee. HE LOOKED SO CUTE! It was dusk and we saw a really beautiful sunset. My new boyfriend put a big giant beach towel that had a sports car on it over us and we made out until the waves crashed over us. Also, a bunch of seashells.
Then, we got some pizza.
It was the greatest night EVER.
Schropp’s “Breakfast Sandwich Boy” Enters Bestseller List
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Brian Schropp’s recently-released book Breakfast Sandwich Boy has entered the Lankville Daily News Bestseller List, sources are confirming.
The collection of short stories by the popular cuisine writer ranked has sold over 100,000 copies in its first week of publication.
Schropp’s bestselling tome.
“I’m pleased,” Schropp noted. “I’m glad everyone is enjoying reading about my adventures in the Deep Northern Suburbs”.
Breakfast Sandwich Boy currently holds the 6th spot of Lankville’s 50 best-selling titles.
“While I’m lusciously delighted beyond belief, the strange thing about the book being a bestseller is that I’ve only received $12,” Schropp complained. “Whenever I call the publisher, nobody answers. A message comes on with a beep but then you only get two seconds to leave your message before it cuts off. It took me three hours to complete my message. But I’m hoping if they listen to all the messages in order, they’ll understand and send me a check.”
“I’m sure they will,” Schropp added cheerfully.
Breakfast Sandwich Boy features two original stories with a photograph of the author on the cover.
“People are inherently good,” said Schropp, who was interviewed while preparing a gigantic bowl of mysterious batter in his parents kitchen. “I know they will send me the money. It’s just a misunderstanding. I trust that people will always do the right thing.”
Schropp began laughing nervously and the gigantic bowl of batter accidentally spilled onto the floor.
“MOM!” Schropp yelled while running out of the room. The interview was ended prematurely.
A Chubby Steals the Show!
By Ida Rumpus
FASHION NOTES
Chubbette Dolores Fountains shows off the goods.
When 14-year-old Dolores Fountains walked down the runway at the CALLING ALL GIRLS Club Fashion Bonanza in Eastern Lankville last night, you could have heard the applause all the way out in the Far Desert Area. Like Dolores, a bunch of the girls in the audience were Chubbies, so you couldn’t blame them for cheering when she was picked as one of the prettiest models by a jury of five boys. Yes, she stole the show!
Dolores fits into a Chubbette size 14 1/2 to perfection. Pinafore, shown at left about $75, white rayon date dress with lace inserts and larger neck hole shown at right, about $89, oversized shoes (not shown) about $65. These and many other Chubbette fashions available at Nan’s of Lankville (ask for the Chubbette room) in the Oldtown East Area.
Celestine Meek (left) sports the two-piece pajama set while Briannacindy Cordova (right) models the Tommie Coat while eating a small pie.
SUMMER PAJAMAS UNVEILED
Don’t be caught napping in long, uncomfortable gowns, winter pajamas, or animal costumes this winter! To keep cool in the heat from yawn to dawn, pour a bunch of talcum powder all over your body and then slip into a two-piece pajama set or a Tommie Coat from the folks at Comfa-Sleep! Comfa-Sleep is made from state-of-the-art mysterious Outland fabrics that will hold up to repeated washings without fade. The checked rayon crepe midriff sleepers could even double for outdoor play (recommended in rural areas).
FANCY PANTS TALK
A talk was given called “Fancy Pants Ideas” by Mrs. Beatrice Tibbs (nee Niedenfeur) following the CALLING ALL GIRLS show.
Mrs. Tibbs demonstrated a new use for discarded jeans.
“If you were planning on throwing away your jeans, here’s a simple idea. Cut them off knee-high or higher (depending on your area) and then cut the fringe at the bottom with a pair of scissors. Makes a cute cow-girl outfit!
Mrs. Tibbs had little else of interest to note and for several minutes the audience was uneasy and desultory.
TANK CONFUSES PATRONS
The tank confused patrons.
Perhaps the only hitch of the show was the presence of a large military combat tank which confused patrons.
“It was in the lobby, right by a display of summer raincoats,” noted attendee Roberta Queens of the Northern Affluent Area. “The mortar was pointed straight at you as you walked in.”
Organizers dodged questions on the tanks presence.
“Everyone is having a wonderful time,” said chairman Bev Charboats when asked.
Meet the Reporters of The Lankville Daily News
By Rafael Kettlebells
Rafael Kettlebells joined The Lankville Daily News in 2014.
I wasn’t really much of a writer in college. I tried to cram as many pie graphs into my papers as possible. Just tons and tons of pie graphs. A professor finally said, “there is no text here, just pie graphs. I’m going to have to give you an F”. That meant I lost my $500 scholarship from the ice cream place.
I went back to my room and literally taught myself, day by day, how to write. I got some books, watched some videos, talked to some people down at the gymnasium. And one day it kind of came together for me.
I put on a loud shirt, some pants that were pretty oversized in the crotch, and a sports hat and then I went down to the Lankville Daily News offices and demanded an appointment with [editor] Marles Cundiff. He was busy for days it seemed but I was persistent. I must have read every magazine in that waiting room about five times. Finally, he saw me.
“Why should I give you a job?”
“Look at me,” I said. “Look at me.”
He did. I could see he was coming around.
“I think I’m beginning to realize what you’re getting at,” he said. “I can put you on obits and editing the missed connections. Christ’s dung, some of them are awful. Written by real deadbeats. Probably some old hippo lounging around an attic.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant but I stayed confident.
“You put me on that,” I said, “and you’ll have the best obit and missed connection pages in the business.”
He leaned back in his chair. “Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?” he asked.
“Do you know a place where they serve hot bread and chips and salsa?” I asked.
He was bothered by that. “Man, that would be…” He stopped and had to wipe his forehead with a towel.
Everything has gone well since.
Death Claims Cartoonist Werley; Author of “The Astonishing Sphere”
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Famed cartoonist Wayne Werley, creator of the long-running syndicated series “The Astonishing Sphere”, has died. Werley was 74.
The Lankville Savannah resident passed away outside on a patio after a long illness.
Werley was a political cartoonist with The Lankville Daily News from 1969-1974 before he began drawing the wildly successful “The Astonishing Sphere”.
A panel from Werley’s “The Astonishing Sphere”.
In a 2005 interview, the artist claimed his comic was inspired by a real-life incident.
“I was standing in line at a Pappy’s Chicken and this guy came in rolling this giant inflatable beach ball. He told everyone that it was “astonishing” and that it had special powers. Obviously, he was crazier than a pig in a peach orchard and I think they later put him in a cage but I thought to myself– what if there was a guy that ordered fast food and had an actual astonishing sphere? And that was how it all began.”
The comic, which ran until Werley retired in 2010, was made into four films, two television shows and a series of action figures.
The unnamed protagonist, who entered a fast food establishment with his sphere in over 2,000 4-panel comics, became a hero to many Lankvillians.
Wayne Werley: 1941-2015
“You were always holding your breath, wondering if he would reveal why the sphere was astonishing,” noted terrorist attack novelist and comic enthusiast Dean T. Pibbs. “When Werley was in his last year, you really were on edge– thinking this would be the day that the magic of the sphere would be disclosed. It never was– in the last comic the protagonist just ordered a soda again. That may be the genius of the comic.”
Werley is survived by his wife Gretchen of 48 years (rated about a 6 of 10 based on older photographs) and his three children.
Televisions Free to a Good Home
By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
“Ideally, I don’t want to split them up…”
Katie Lynn Rumpus – distant relation to Genevieve Rumpus, but no relation to the Ida Rumpus who reports for this paper – recently, and reluctantly, put two of her “babies” up for adoption. She is hoping to place the classic Lanvillectric Television sets in a good home, and is calling on all citizens of Lankville to help her find one for them.
“Ideally, I don’t want to split them up,” she said from her home in Lower Lankville Heights. The television sets had been placed with care in a breezeway near Rumpus’s office at Barlow Foods’ northern distribution center, where Rumpus oversees the apportioning of bulk comestibles to a dozen Barlow Foods locations.
Alternate view of the sets.
The sets had long graced either end of a multimedia cabinet in the Rumpus living room, or “Rumpus Room,” as the family call it. There, the Rumpuses had enjoyed hours and hours of their favorite programs, sometimes tuning shows in simultaneously so that they could experience them in “stereo,” other times watching one or the other television, or different programs on each one, depending on preference and time of day.
“There were so many possibilities,” Mrs. Rumpus averred, especially when her husband, Ralph Waldo Rumpus, came home with a Pondisonic Video Camera one day and attached it to one of the sets via cable. The Rumpus Room quickly became an amateur studio, as the children interviewed one another and staged elaborate sketches, often inspired by Vitiello Decorative Ham advertisements.
The children loved dressing up as their favorite hams, said Mrs. Rumpus, and squealed with delight as they saw their likeness appearing on screen.
Mrs. Rumpus’ homemade sign.
Lanvillectricians might blush, meanwhile, at a glimpse of the images that flickered on the twin sets after dark, when Mr. and Mrs. Rumpus shared footage of their “home movies” with neighbors and friends.
Things got a bit “racy” during those days, Mrs. Rumpus admitted, and the “twins” – her affectionate name for the Lankvillectric TVs – were constantly in demand among family and friends alike. Now, though the times have changed and a large flat-screen model adorns the Rumpus Room, Katie Lynn Rumpus is taking care to make sure the well-used sets find a home worthy of their place in her heart.
Please write to Mrs. Rumpus care of the Lankville Daily News if you feel you can provide a good home for her television sets.
Police Issue “Tawny Alert” Over Strange Handbills; Schropp Briefly Questioned
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Police and the Bureau of Probes have issued a “tawny alert” after a series of strange handbills appeared yesterday on area telephone poles, bulletin boards and parked cars.
The handbill, which advertises a furniture refinishing service, is believed to be managed and operated by a notorious felon known only as “Steve, the Cat Handbag”.
One of the strange handbills that has Lankville on tawny alert.
“We arrested Steve back in ’88 for robbing a pretzel kiosk at gunpoint,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “That’s something that doesn’t hold any water here in Lankville.”
The flier, however, makes claims of Steve’s complete rehabilitation and skill at furniture refinishing. A phone number is proffered.
Gee-Temple for one says he’s not believing it.
“I’d recommend that citizens take their furniture refinishing business elsewhere. Steve is a dangerous criminal. If things don’t go his way, he’ll rob another pretzel kiosk, no question. We’ve issued the tawny alert to try to prevent this from happening again.”
The Bureau of Probes uses a series of “color alerts” to warn citizens– tawny, cobalt, cherry dahlia and burnt cinnamon (the highest level).
“We went with tawny because we’re going to give Steve the opportunity to explain these handbills,” noted Gee-Temple, who paused to investigate a shooting in the hallway. “If Steve does not answer the questions to our satisfaction or if he has gone on the lam, then we’ll certainly increase the warning to say, cherry dahlia or maybe even burnt cinnamon. Hate to do that, but we have to protect the public.”
“…his entire face was pressed against the window and he had this really strange look…”
SCHROPP BRIEFLY QUESTIONED
Lankville Daily News cuisine writer Brian Schropp was briefly questioned yesterday after the epicure was spotted leering oddly into several Deep Northern Suburban Lankville eateries.
“I looked up and there he was– his entire face was pressed against the window and he had this really strange look,” noted waitress Ursula Peters-Holly of The Breakfast Caucus Restaurant. “An hour later, I looked up and he was still in the exact same spot, with the same look, so I snapped a picture.”
Schropp was later spotted outside The Sandwich Castle and The Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall).
“The look on my face may appear goofy,” Schropp later explained, “but I’m actually concentrating deeply on the restaurant within, trying to understand its inner workings, decide whether it fits into the parameters of my enhanced taste palette and then, ultimately, coming to conclusions about reviewing the restaurant or not in my column.”
“Perfectly reasonable to me,” noted Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive to the scene.
Schropp was released into the care of his parents.
Pondicherry Yoga: Is it Safe?
Mrs. Larry Temple
A PROBE
Pondicherry Yoga. It’s the latest fitness-spirituality craze for busy Lankvillians who don’t have time for separate fitness and spirituality crazes. But, what is it? And, more importantly, is it safe?
The popular yoga, which takes place in a rickety room of wildly fluctuating temperatures, has led some to question its healthfulness –in part because it teaches that a session isn’t over until the practitioner injures himself.
“It’s true,” claims middle-aged, middle class “Yogi” Gideon, “they don’t let you out until you hurt yourself. And no good faking –they know,” he paused before continuing proudly, “I’ve snapped every tendon in my body.”
Who exactly “they” may be is another subject up for debate. Pondicherry Yoga instructors are notoriously difficult to see for any length of time in suitable light. They spend a minimum amount of time in the practice room, perhaps, some suppose, because they can’t endure the temperatures, which swing between 150 and -50 degrees.
“Theys crank up the heat,” complains former Pondicherry yogi Sam Crumb, “so yous burn and you burn and you can twist into some kind of prtezel-like –and then vrwroop! they’s turn it freezing so yous just stick there. The sweat on all your body turns to little icee flakes. And you hair, it cracks off in pieces-like, and you eyes – they stick open, or closed, with the ice lids. And you body you think you stuck forever, and yous start crying-like, yous blubbering and you know is dying, and you dying, and sometimes yous die, and most the time you do dies.”
The rickety room (scale model).
But is it safe? I asked Sam Crumb. “And they’s make you eat. The heat so yous think you gonna die, and they make yous eat the whole pie,” he claimed gasping and whimpering, “I ate the whole pie. I had to. But it too hot to eat the pie, but you eat. Big key lime pie. And they make you drink the whole two-liter. The cherry cola. The no-brand cherry cola. With the pie. And then the inverted series.”
But the question remains: is it safe? I asked Sam Crumb about another of Pondicherry Yoga’s more controversial aspects: the much-ballyhooed “rickety room.” Sam struggled for breath as he spoke to me between sobs. “The floor, it slanted fun-house like. And the screws are sticking up, and they goes inside your feets, and you hands, and they goes inside your stomach when yous lying down –and then you moves and the boards give way, and you falls in the hole. I always fall in the hole. And yous cant get out, and then yous out, and the room it so hot, or so cold, and you can’t sees, and yous fall in again, and yous can’t see again, and yous can’t see even more, and you gets out, and yous fall in again. And again. With the screws in you, the cold and the hot, and the screwsm in all you body.”
The interview ended prematurely as Sam had to go off to his next class. And so for now the questions will remain: Pondicherry Yoga — is it safe? In the meantime, let us turn to another question in part two of our two-part series when we ask Lankville’s own John Knewstub: Pondicherry Yoga –is it spiritual?
Station’s a Gas for Area Youths
Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
There is a gas station in the Eastern Lankville Small Ponds Area that is described by its operator as “a financial disaster but at the same time a success.”
Located at the crossroads of the small pond community, the station, a faded white and orange concrete block building, bears the name “The Chariot Lodge”.
And the operator doesn’t grumble about car crazy youths hanging around- he encourages them.
“We needed a low-key ministry that was also a gas station to reach out to the youths of today,” noted 54-year old founder Rev. Plants Meulens, who has been minister of the nearby Small Ponds Church (located inside the mall) for the past six years.
Chariot Lodge owner and operator Plants Meulens (he’s the guy in the car).
Meulens says that the need became critical a few years ago when a large proportion of the Small Ponds Area contracted venereal disease.
“There was a ton of venereal disease. [President] Pondicherry even called at one point asking me what was going on. He said- why do you have so much venereal disease, Plants? I had nothing to tell him.”
“There were also a lot of fires around that time,” Meulens added.
His idea of starting a teen-age service station was supported by five other churches inside of malls.
“The clergymen really loved it because cars and youths just go together. But you don’t hear so much about cars and venereal disease although maybe sometimes, I guess,” Meulens noted.
Just Loafin’: Area Youths Keither Turley and Gina Quaint.
A non-profit organization was established and the Chariot Lodge was leased from a local decorative ham concern for $1200 a month.
The lodge quickly became a favorite hang-out of Small Pond Area youths.
“They love it,” said volunteer adult supervisor Mrs. Annette Bounds. “All kids are worth the effort. If you can keep them in the office of a gas station rather than out there getting venereal disease, well, then it’s all been worth it.”
Detective Gee-Temple noted that the Bureau of Probes responds to far fewer calls in the Small Pond Area.
“We have very little trouble with the Chariot Cabin [sic]. Plants has done a real good job up there.”
But the operation is not without problems points out Rev. Meulens.
“We’ve had some damage to some of the pumps, we don’t have any advertising budget and there is no toilet,” Meulens said. “Plus, we’re a complete financial disaster just oozing money because we have to depend solely on charity.”
“If all the parents of the kids who spend their time here would just buy some gas…” Meulens added before suddenly stomping off into some weeds. When he returned, the reverend noted, “if that happened, well, then maybe we’d go from the red to the black.”
Meet the Reporters of The Lankville Daily News
Gump Tibbs
My first interview was with Coach Keebler of the Lankville Juniors (Smaller) Hockey Club. He ignored all my hockey questions and started right in on a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle that you could order that had your own picture on it. “You can get these god damn things for a song, like under $20, I’m talking,” he said. “I elected to use an old army picture.” There was a long, seemingly meaningless pause. I had no idea what to say.
Then he started encouraging me to get one. “Course, the only thing is it takes about eight weeks, so I can’t exactly comment on the quality just yet. But I’m sure it’ll be fine. I mean, can you even imagine such a thing? A jigsaw puzzle with your own god damn picture on it?”
He looked me up and down then. I was just out of college and could only muster a reasonably clean white shirt, a gravy-stained tie and some basketball shorts.
“Let me buy you some clothes,” he said. “Help you get on your feet.” And he led me over to a church thrift store where he picked out a couple of suits, one Island. “I won’t lie to you,” the cashier said. “Some guy died in one of these. But I’ve forgotten which.” Coach Keebler bought them anyway.
And then, very quietly, he himself began to die. I could see it coming—it was slow, deliberate. Then, very suddenly, he collapsed into a stack of board games. Pieces flew everywhere.
I never wrote up that interview. But the suits got me on my way.
Gump Tibbs has been covering life in Lankville since 1982.
The Lankville National Archives: A Magical Discovery of Our Shared Heritage
Buck Igloos
A trip to the Lankville National Archives in the Southeastern Savannah Area is a magical discovery of our shared heritage. No Lankvillian should pass up the opportunity for a visit.
Curator Steve Pilgrims. Pilgrims gave us this weird untoward expression for reasons unclear.
Located in a series of strange tubular-shaped buildings directly in the middle of the savannah and accessed via a long, poorly-maintained highway, the Archives are Lankville’s repository for anything and everything of historical, cultural, and social importance. “Everybody sends everything here,” noted Director Steve Pilgrims, head of the vast collection since 1998. “We’ve had to kind of start refusing things– people were just sort of sending whatever they felt like– animals, trash, it was getting kind of ridiculous.”
Pilgrims led us into a vast gallery where the current exhibit, “The Lost Vernacular Signage of Lankville” is housed.
“You might look at these gaudy little fliers and think, “What the heck, Steve?” This is just a bunch of junk,” noted Pilgrims. ” But these fliers and handbills say a lot about social concerns through the years, about what individuals felt was worth advertising, worth announcing to their communities. It’s been very, very well-received.”
The infamous “This Bitch Has a Green Patina” flier. Origin unknown.
Perhaps most prominent on the eastern wall of the exhibit is a collection of the infamous “This Bitch Has a Green Patina” leaflet that appeared all over Lankville for many years. “It’s a curious case- we have no idea if the bitch was lost, if someone was looking for him, what the deal was,” said Pilgrims, who paused briefly to examine a patron who had hanged himself in a distant corner. “Calls to the phone number in question reveal nothing– as a matter of fact, that’s not even a proper [Lankville] phone number,” Pilgrims added.
“I Have a Cabinet” mini-magazine. Origin unknown.
A collection of curious pamphlets sit on a table in the middle of the room, covered by glass. “These were collected from bus stations, basement cultural presentations, small motel girl wrestling events. Sort of the detritus left behind,” noted Pilgrims. “Again, the origins of just about all of these are unclear. Nobody has stepped forward to claim them.”
The crown jewel of the exhibit however, are the “apeshit coupons”. Thousands of them, in all sizes and colors– found all over Lankville.
“You’d buy, say, a delicious icey cold slushy drink and you’d get to the bottom of the drink and there would be an apeshit coupon,” said Pilgrims. “And the guy that sold you the delicious icey cold slushy drink would be as flummoxed as you– no idea how it got there. Calls to the cup manufacturer would reveal the same information. Or you’d buy a new book and you’d get to page 131 and BAM- there would be another apeshit coupon. It was a complete mystery- never solved.”
“They’re still out there,” Pilgrims added. “People still find them occasionally. Gee-Temple, The Bureau of Probes– they’ve come up with nothing.
One of the infamous “apeshit coupons”.
“The Lost Vernacular Signage of Lankville” runs through August 28, 2015. “It will really be your last chance to see this material for quite awhile,” stressed Pilgrims. “In particular, the “apeshit coupons” will be returned to The Bureau of Probes and some of the mysterious pamphlets will be placed into folders which will be filed by these gigantic robotic arms we have that never seem to file anything correctly which leads to us thinking that a lot of material has been lost.”
“Something we’re definitely working on,” Pilgrims stated after a long and somewhat eerie silence.
Tickets for the exhibit are $10 (free for some babies).
Meet the Reporters of The Lankville Daily News
By Buck Igloos
The first job I had was writing copy for hotel pamphlets. The guy that gave it to me– he said, “Now look, Igloos. I’m giving you a real shot here. Don’t blow it.” So, I went home and just about stayed up all night. Nothing was working– I’d put something down on the page and then just as soon I’d tear it up. I must have filled about five wastebins with crumpled paper. My lover at the time, she said, “I’m getting tired of emptying this wastebin, Buck. Whyn’t you come to bed?” She was a lovely girl– gorgeous hair. My God, I was crazy about her.
Anyway, it must’ve been about 6 A.M. and I was due in in an hour. And then finally it came: “offering its guests convenience and quiet relaxation in a quaint setting”. I jumped in the air. I had nailed it and I knew it. Then, as if it came from above, I wrote, “only six miles from Lankville’s capital.” I couldn’t believe it.
The boss, he read the paper a couple of times over while he sat on the side of his desk smoking a cigarette. Eventually, he looked up.
“You wrote this, Igloos?”
I was really sweating. Didn’t help that I had an all-brown suit on that wasn’t breathing for shit.
The boss cleared his throat. “It’ll do,” he said.
I got the hell out of there. But later, at lunch, some of the fellows keyed me in.
“Yeah, the boss couldn’t believe your work, Igloos,” a guy named Jimmy told me. I’ll never forget him because he died later. “The boss was telling his secretary– this Igloos– he’s good. He’s real good” and then he phoned up the regional manager and told him he was putting you on all the quaint hotel accounts.” Jimmy slapped me on the back and I coughed up a bit of porridge. But I didn’t care– I had made it. It was going to be all uphill from there.
And it has been. I’ve been lucky. Married a lovely girl- not the same girl but another lovely girl with lovely hair. Cries a lot but what can you do?
Buck Igloos has been a feature reporter for The Lankville Daily News since 1993.
Summer Scandal: Snack Machines Still not up to Snuff
By Ida Rumpus
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Back in March, The Lankville Daily News broke an exclusive story on local vending machines, which were shockingly bereft of the tasty treats and salty snacks residents had come to crave. We were assured by no less an authority than Sue Ely, spokesperson for President Pondicherry, that henceforth the vending machines would be under “new management,” freed from the derelict leadership of old people who had allowed the machines’ usual abundance to lapse.
Bull-oney: Not such an “incredibull” selection
That was certainly the expectation of Dave Schlarsberger, assistant vice president in the Office of Financial Excellence at Lankville State University. “You can’t always find Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices… OK, I can deal with that,” he said from his office in Carmody Hall. “But at least leave me some Moon Chips. At least throw in, I dunno, a bag of Rigid Rice Scraps. I mean, come on.”
In fact, in fourteen of the twenty-two vending machines personally examined by this reporter, there were no snacks at all. No Salty Crab Cake Crackers. No Double-Dipped Bow-Tie Licorice Ribbons. No Goudy Gorilla Chee-zits. Nothing. Nada.
A scandal? Not according to Presidential Spokesperson Sue Ely.
“What the ordinary Lankvillian doesn’t understand is that stocking vending machines is a complicated business,” she said in a prepared statement from her bunker in Pondicherry Palace. “There are supply and demand issues that need to be carefully monitored and deftly managed. Everyone wants their Wheat Helices, and we get that. But we can’t just stuff every machine willy-nilly with every kind of treat.”
Spokesperson Ely called for calm – and patience.
Slim pickins as snack oasis goes dry
“There is a new team in place, a team of responsible youths, in charge of the machines,” she said. “We need to give them time, time for their ideas and creativity to truly blossom.”
Spokesperson Ely declined to comment on the images of empty machines and bereft luncheon displays provided by The Lankville Daily News.
To OFE vice president Schlarsberger, such assurances feel hollow – not unlike his rumbling stomach.
“Look, I’m bringing clients and prospective funders to the Lankville State campus all the time,” he said. “How do you think it looks when I show them around and we have to walk past all those empty machines? It’s embarrassing. This is Lankville, dammit, not some backwards Island Republic of Whatever.”
Schlarsberger then removed an empty bag of Braided Honey Twist Wheat Helices from his desk, memento of a pretzel “bounty” that he enjoyed from these same machines last fall, and fondled it longingly. But such a bounty now seems a long time ago indeed.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK