DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPORTANCE OF TROPHIES
Dr. Grabkurt (cartoon drawing)
A PAID ADVERTISING TESTIMONIAL
“I WILL TEACH YOU HOW TO WIN MORE TROPHIES…”
says Dr. Grabkurt, renowned “life” expert. Dr. Grabkurt believes that the trophy is man’s greatest barometer of success. “It is far more important than meaningless academic degrees or life experiences,” the trophy authority notes. “I will teach you how to acquire more trophies, bigger trophies, trophies that have more little gold people on top and trophies that will impress everyone, from potential “lovers” to business associates.” Sign up now for this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Fill out survey below or call General Lankville 5-2812.
NOW AVAILABLE Pamphlets by Dr. Grabkurt ($9.95 each!)
Sports Trophies: The Sleeping Giant
How to Parlay the Winning of a Big Trophy into a Deep, Satisfying Relationship (Heterosexual Only)
Dr. Grabkurt’s Guide to Avoiding Dying Alone and Trophy-less: A 26-Step Handbook
Name____________________
Dr. Grabkurt: Unfailing Dependability
Address_________________
Number of Trophies
Have You Won____________
Clip and Mail to
Dr. Grabkurt
General Delivery
Lankville
Royer Purchases Van
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Incarcerated Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has purchased a van, sources are now reporting.
“It’s from 1999,” stated the executive, who was interviewed in the game room of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “It has seats. Some of the seats fold downward so that one might imagine a bed. There is a TV set. It’s glorious.”
Royer then paused to thrust forward a Lingus Net sack. He was repelled by a fellow inmate.
“He is a skilled opponent. The best I’ve faced thus far,” noted the executive.
Royer then produced several photos of his new acquisition.
Royer’s new van that has everyone talking.
“You’ll note that the TV set plays films. The blue and white colors of the exterior are bold but rational. There are little spaces where you can put your legs. There is a plastic box where diverse items can be deposited. They thought of everything, really.”
Royer deflected questions about the van’s reliability.
“I specifically instructed my handlers not to open the hood. I don’t want to know anything at all about the hood. And I don’t want anyone else to know.”
The executive suddenly wandered off and the interview was ended prematurely.
Meet the Reporters of the Lankville Daily News
By Captain Marles Cundiff, Editor
I grew up on a farm outside of Lankville. Dad grew corns [sic] and Mom used to fashion up these homemade balloons that she took up to the road and sold out of a donkey cart. The whole thing smacked of senselessness.
We didn’t have any news in our town but I listened to the crackly, faraway broadcasts of news from distant provinces. I got to where I could write little articles for The Farm Gazette and they would pay me in bananas. That smacked of senselessness too. Dad would say in his quiet but intense way, “Marles, we don’t need any more bananas. It’s getting to be where these bananas are a terrible, terrible burden. If you don’t stop bringing in all these bananas Marles, we’re just gonna’ go under– the whole family. We’re just gonna’ god damn lose everything if you don’t quit selling articles for bananas.”
So, after awhile, I took that as a hint to head for the city.
And the rest is history, I guess.
Captain Marles Cundiff has been a reporter and editor for The Lankville Daily News since 1972. He is also a captain in the Lankville Probity Auxiliary.
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
I often ask many of my clients to close their eyes and visualize a slowly-moving pinwheel. “What’s on the pinwheel?” I’ll ask. The answers are quite varied– if they are of a natural variety (grass, horses, foam), I will move in one direction. If they are of a man-made variety (cabinets, posters, foam), I will move in quite another.
“Tell me about the horses,” I’ll say. “Are they ordinary?” As the client is describing the horses, I’ll prepare a small group of items to be offered for sale later in the session. If the description of the horses veers quickly into violent imagery, I will generally try to mollify the client by offering the items immediately.
“Why is your office located in this damp basement?” a client once asked. “I’d feel better if I could actually sit in a comfortable chair and look out at the wilderness.” I put aside some fake books with hidden compartments that I was going to try to sell him and pressed my hands together in a pacific manner. “Tell me about that,” I said. His face grew very red. “I’m just saying, it’d be nice if there wasn’t these opaque glass blocks to stare at.” “They are to prevent the theft of collectibles,” I noted. Although that client never returned, he did purchase the books with the hidden compartments, $19.99, good deal.
One client recently expressed the feeling that his life had become a prison. “It’s a living hell,” he said, “an endless, deep hell.” At that moment, I was checking the functionality of a used bicycle pump. I decided that the pump could be a metaphor for his condition. “Look how easily the air blows through the shaft and out this little hole,” I noted. I fingered the contraption lightly. “Why don’t we try a Thurston Breathing Exercise from our handbook?” He stood up and kicked a chair over. “These breathing exercises are horseshit,” he exclaimed. “Tell me about that,” I asked. I placed the bicycle pump on a small column intended for display. We slowly worked through his issue.
Everything is a process. The Thurston Method is complex, many items need to be purchased, but in the end I have faith that it is successful.
Gone are the Thanksgiving Hams Says Local Worker: Weepy Stories of the Holiday
By Brock Belvedere
WEEPY STORIES OF THE HOLIDAY
Sherman Fenanigans is a thin, wiry man who looks every one of his 58 years. He sports unfashionable aviator glasses, repaired many times with tape and a faded grey uniform that has been brushed so often that the bare fibers are now visible. His paper hat is dented and creased.
Sherman has been in charge of cakes at the Barlow Foods Lankville Heights location for 32 years. “I don’t bake the cakes,” he is quick to clarify. “My authority kicks in once the cakes have been removed from the oven but before they have been placed in the cardboard containers.”
He has a family of eight to support. The holidays are a particularly difficult time. And they have been made more difficult since Barlow Foods, a multi-billion dollar corporation, did away with holiday bonuses.
“It’s been about five years since they did that,” said Fenanigans, who was interviewed while watching carefully over the display case of cakes as the brisk mid-morning crowd passed by. “We used to count on that.”
“Tell us about that?” we probed.
Fenanigans at work. He has just dropped a cake into some vegetables.
“Well, for the first 10 years, they gave us a Christmas turkey. Every year. Then, they said they couldn’t do it anymore, so they gave us Thanksgiving hams. That went on for about five years. Then, they said they couldn’t get the hams anymore but that they’d give us $10 and we could buy our own hams. That went on for another two, maybe three years. Then, they stopped giving us the $10.”
Fenanigans paused to let the weight of the sad tale sink in. It didn’t. I was genuinely flummoxed by his statement.
“What happened to the hams?” I asked.
“As I said, they stopped buying them for us.”
I still was vastly confused.
“Well, I mean, what happened to the hams they were supposed to buy for you?” I probed.
He looked at me. “What do you mean, what happened to ’em? They didn’t buy ’em.”
That’s when the picture started to become clear.
“Oh, I see. So, someone else bought them.”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” he said. “I have no idea.”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
“Yeah, basically. And, so now we still have ham for Thanksgiving but it takes away money we could have spent on additional side dishes.”
He broke down then. He had to take a moment to collect himself. He handed his paper hat to me and asked me to mind the cake case. I did the best I could but I became so overwhelmed that I basically gave away all the cakes and made all kinds of additional wild promises. A manager had to be called.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow consented to a brief meeting. I explained Fenanigans’ predicament.
“The policies of giving away holiday meats were no longer viable,” he noted, calling attention to several spreadsheets with interior flip-up tables on a computer screen. “The resources were no longer there. It’s a different time now then when Mr. Renanigans [sic] was originally hired.”
But for many Barlow Foods employees, that means a skimpier holiday table.
“We’ve had to cut back on things like cranberry sauce, corn, chocolate loafs,” noted Fenanigans. “You just have to learn to let certain traditions die. But it’s difficult.”
Lankville Daily News Guide to Picking the Perfect Thanksgiving Day Outfit
By Ric Royer
HOLIDAY NEWS YOU CAN USE
Begin by understanding your Thanksgiving location beforehand. If you have never been there before, it will be important to case the house weeks in advance. Affect the persona of a gas and electric official, a salesman of tents, or one of those guys that solicits donations for pandas in order to have a better look. Pay close attention to doors and windows.
Avoid buying your outfit anywhere but at a large, suburban shopping mall. I generally skip the “poor” area of the mall and go straight for the luxury wing. Be sure to stop at the food court first though and loudly consume a meal rich with proteins. Be sure that at least one item you have ordered is a similar repeatable shape (you’ll see why). Complete your repast with a Cinnamon Buns. Order it “to go” and make sure the server gives you a wide basin (don’t them let tell you differently– THEY DO HAVE THEM). This way, you can rip the Cinnamon Buns apart as you walk along and let the errant pieces drop into the wide basin. Sometimes, it’s best to order two or three.
You may at first be tempted to simply purchase one of the many shirts that says “Thanksgiving” across its front– don’t be fooled. This is merely a ploy by certain retailers to sell more shirts. Ignore it. If you have the means, reach into the display case and knock over the mannequins. “I’M TEACHING YOU A LESSON,” you should say as you do this. You might save this act for last, however. Move onto the luxury retailer of your choice. Pick out a paisley blazer, red pants and some high socks that reach above the knee. Shove them onto the counter and turn your head away as though the last thing in the world you are interested in is buying these wretched rags (this often teaches the stores another lesson worth learning).
You will now want to leave the mall completely and head over to your nearest home improvement store– I recommend Home Dump. They have many locations, are severely understaffed, and easy to steal from. Pick out a bucket, a link of chain suitable to wear around the neck, a bundle of cedar wood shingles and several elongated lighters. You can hide a lot of these items in the bottom of the bucket– just throw your jacket on top! Often, they even forget to charge you for the bucket! Pay only for the shingles and the lighters.
Hopefully, by now, you will have a sense of where you be spending the big day. I want you to have a window selected– know that window. Does it push open in an inward manner (see photo)? Does it need to be thrown upward? Will it have to simply be busted through completely? Whatever the case, have your friend or lover drape a heavy canvas throw tarp directly beneath the window (so, you’ll need to go back to Home Dump and get one of those– I forgot before). Put on the chain and the red pants and keep the blazer handy in case it’s chilly.
And now, when you’re ready to greet your family, your friend’s family or your lover’s family, you come bursting through the window with one of the shingles in your hand (the shingle should be on fire). I often find it useful to have my face painted as well and to be crying but that’s your choice.
You won’t come up short with this method. Everyone will have a wonderful time.
Ric Royer is a prominent Lankville businessman. He currently lives in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution.
Movement to Remember the Bumpkins? Schropp Ruins Local Man
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A small movement is picking up steam in Lankville to remember the bumpkins taken off by the wind three weeks ago, sources are confirming.
“I think a small statue or an obelisk would be appropriate,” noted movement leader Lloyd Byas-Kirk. “Even a nicely-engraved plaque which could be affixed to a large stone at the site of their abduction.”
Authorities have not responded to phone calls.
SCHROPP RUINS LOCAL MAN?
Cuisine
As I reported last week, Kirby Lomax, owner of the Huntington Road Deli, decided to grab a piece of the fresh frozen breakfast sandwich craze and started carrying them in his deli. As I had to meet with the family lawyer (over a certain trash incident that I’m not allowed to write about) I had been unable to get over to the deli to see how Kirby was doing.
By Brian Schropp
So early this morning I took a walk down and planned on standing in the long line of eager morning commuters to try one. But to my shock I found Kirby sitting outside the deli on the curb. He was crying while two men in spiffy business suits were locking the door.
I sat down beside him on the curb “Say, Kirby, what’s going on?”
He looked over at me with tears streaming out of his eyes. “I went bankrupt Bri. It happened so fast, those men are from the bank.”
I was so stunned that I was not sure what to say. After sobbing a bit more he continued.
“Fresh frozen! What was I thinking!! Why didn’t I just serve them fresh to the customers in the morning?! People don’t have time to reheat sandwiches on their way to work. And all that expense I had to invest in fresh ingredients. It added up so quickly– that was the straw that broke the camel’s back!! I even looked up Fresh Frozen on the computer, I couldn’t find anything about it being a trend!! Now I’m out of business. Guess it’s back to the children’s linoleum trade for me”
Ruined man Kirby Lomax. Shortly after his meeting with Schropp, Lomax fell down some steps while carrying a box of shiny tinsel. No explanation has yet been offered.
He put his head down and cried like a little baby. I knew now wasn’t the time to tell him that some food trends are so hot, you won’t find them written about anywhere. I gave Kirby a hug. I felt bad for him, he was a good man (unlike a certain person I know who this paper wants to defend. I’m sorry, Hank Cameron is a JERK). But as I was walking back home I couldn’t help but wonder– what if I was able to make it down sooner- could I have helped?
Maybe it wasn’t the fresh frozen process but the breakfast sandwich itself. Maybe the “B-E-C-TB (bacon, egg, cheese, tender biscuit) equation was not correct. Something that seems simple but is one of the hardest things for a culinary expert to achieve.
Well, I wish Mr. Lomax the best in his future endeavors. Until next time keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy Eating,
BRI
OPINION: Some Balloons Passed Really Close by My Face
By an Unfortunate Citizen
OPINION
I was sitting there. It was at a table in the basement. There was a plastic tablecloth. There was a bowl of chips but it was far away.
And then some balloons passed really close by my face.
I lurched backwards. I looked to my left and then to my right. Nothing. I moved back to the table.
I looked at the chips. I wanted some.
And then some balloons passed really close by my face.
I yelled out. There was a hallway that led upstairs. I heard a little noise there but then nothing. A light in the ceiling fixture buzzed and then flamed out. It grew darker.
And then some balloons passed really close by my face.
The door to the hallway suddenly closed. The chips were suddenly closer. There was that. I moved my eyes far to the left.
I am waiting.
The opinions of this man are not necessarily the opinions of the Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Electronic “Snappy” Mail: The Future of Correspondence
By Neil Cuppy
Last July, the Lankville Postsmasters General gave the signal that put into operation one of the most revolutionary systems of communications in the long history of the Posts Offices Department. At the signal, an ordinary letter was inserted into a machine in the Lankville capitol. Three hours later, another letter, absolutely identical to the one in the capitol, popped out of a hose that had been affixed to the side of a shed in the Lankville Grasslands.
Thousands of other letters– all official– followed at the rate of one every hour for each pair of sending and receiving machines. Since there were always four letter pairs operating in each direction, there followed a period of deep confusion and, ultimately, a vast clogging of the hose. This minor setback, however, was repaired by adding a second hose to the side of the shed. It was at this point that the long-awaited age of “Snappy Mail”– the Posts Offices Department’s name for this new service– had begun.
Simplified explanation.
Actually, the July operation was only a test. Although several governmental agencies and a sauce restaurant have transmitted via “Snappy Mail”, you can’t send letters– yet. And you probably won’t be able to for another three or four years. Why? Because a third hose will need to be added.
Nonetheless, if present plans work out, “Snappy Mail Shoppes” will be established in Lankville’s 71 largest cities. Such a system will mean same-day or next-day or the-day-after-that delivery anywhere throughout the country. The limiting factor, of course, will be the man-hours required to handle pickup and delivery and also the hoses. The actual transmission to the next city or even to the house next door will take only seconds.
So, let’s see how Snappy Mail will work.
Let’s say you live in the Woods and you want to send a letter to a relative, friend, or that friend’s wife. You’ll just write the letter on a special form (similar to the one used during the Depths War). Since the form will then be cut into threes, you will want to write only towards the top. Use heavy black lines.
The Future of Mail
Now, you’ll put the letter in a special “Snappy Mail Hamper”. These hampers will be color-coded by region– for example, if you live in The Woods, you will look for the pink one. You’ll also be able to take your letter to any one of several planned “Snappy Mail Posts Offices” (to date, the Posts Office promises as many as 200 locations!)
Next, the special “Snappy Mail Coder” will stamp your letter with the date and location. It is while being fed through the machines that the letter will be torn into threes and the lower two parts will be removed and recycled for holiday wrapping paper. Just think– the very letter that you wrote to your friend’s wife could very well end up being the paper that you wrap her secret gift in! Part of the resourceful planning of the Posts Offices Department!
Your letter will now be stacked in a special cartridge along with 400-500 others. The cartridge, like every other device in the process, is specially designed to provide secrecy. An operator will simply push a button and the Posts Offices “Cartridge Jenny” will send your letter flying across the country to its intended destination. Suction cups grasp each letter, shove it, pull on it and pound it flat so that it will slide easily and without lubricant of any kind into the automatic scanner.
As each letter slides into place, it trips a photoelectronic “Lumens Cell Circuit” which begins the scanning process. Your letter will be lightly baked and powdered and your original message will now appear in a black, soot-like substance on the paper. A facsimile beam will now sweep across your letter, very much like a beam might sweep across the screen of your TV set or across your body if you were to make an attempt to escape to the east.
And now your “Snappy Mail” letter will be delivered to your relative, friend or your friend’s wife. And only a few short hours after you sat composing the very same letter– sweating and feverish, cursing aloud, trying desperately not to include lewd comments, over your cramped bedroom desk!
The miracle of the Lankville “Snappy Mail” system– something we can all look forward to with anticipation.
The Casa Montecristo: An Elegant Reception Hall
A PAID ADVERTISEMENT
Casa Montecristo is an elegant reception hall. It has a fully-staffed dining room in which the waiters all wear waistcoats, cummerbunds, and patent leather shoes with little silver buckles on the sides. There are waitresses, too; they wear smart blouses with flaring sleeves and skirts that catch the eye with nice silk tassels along the hem.
As part of our elegant reception atmosphere, Casa Montecristo provides the utmost in chafing dishes for our buffet service. They are kept warm with a Bunsen flame that hovers between 247 and 253 degrees Fahrenheit so that our veal medallions are maintained at a juicy succulence, awaiting the tongs of eager diners at just the right level of fiery heat.
Casa Montecristo features the musical stylings of Deejay Humphrey. Deejay Humphrey has fashioned the soundscape for countless wedding receptions, large hat parties, and rotary club gatherings. He comes equipped with the latest in stereophonics, along with a selection of classic hits from yesterday and today that is second to none. We are proud to have offered the services of Deejay Humphrey at Casa Montecristo every year for the past fifteen years.
Stunning women get very happy and smiley when they attend an event at the Casa Montecristo.
If you don’t hold your event at Casa Montecristo, where are you going to go? Dimitri’s? Elysium Hall? Please. Over the years we have had occasion to hire some of their former employees, and the composite picture that emerges from what they have told us about those establishments is not pretty– rolls that you really need to press into to cut with your butter knife, napkins not folded into a proper isosceles triangle shape, chairs that look comfortable, but when you sit in them, there is the distinct smell of death and horror. You get the picture.
Casa Montecristo is an elegant reception hall. That’s really all you need to know, isn’t it? Put down whatever you’re doing, stop wondering where you’re going to hold your next party, quit fucking around, and book us today. LANKVILLE SNOWY LAKE AREA- 5271
EDITOR’S NOTE: Copy by David Hadbawnik but not the same David Hadbawnik that is a columnist for The Lankville Daily News.
News in Brief
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
BUS CRYING
Bus Crying: LANKVILLE’S SLEEPING GIANT???
A high incidence of bus crying has been reported this week.
“We have a number of adolescents, looking longingly out bus windows, sobbing,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to several concerned phone calls. “We are not taking it particularly seriously and no rubric has been issued. We believe it will pass quickly.”
“Time heals all things,” the intrepid detective added, after a long silence.
BABY, HORSE HAVE TEA!
Who says horses aren’t sophisticated?
It was teatime for this baby and this horse!
A baby and a horse had evening tea in the coastal town of Small Beaches yesterday afternoon. The horse– “Sergeant Hooves”, is reported to have behaved like a perfect gentleman!
The baby could not be identified. The tea set later vanished.
RANDY PENDLETON TO SPEAK HERE
Pendleton to speak.
Randy Pendleton will speak here, it was announced today.
“Randy will be speaking. It should be for about an hour. We are very excited,” said event co-planner Florence Littlejohn (about a 6/10, 7/10 in a dress).
Pendleton is expected to stay here for the evening and depart the following morning. His speech is expected to cover a wide range of topics.
An Interview with Weatherman Jack Quintz
By Gump Tibbs
Gump Tibbs recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.
Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.
GT: You have that little area in the paper where you report on the weather?
JQ: Yeah, I’ve been doing it for years. It’s fine.
GT: Fascinating. Do you like the weather?
JQ: It’s fine. It’s alright.
GT: Do you feel like you have some special insight on the weather?
JQ: We have these radar maps. It requires slight interpretation. It’s alright.
GT: What about when weather is insane and spooky?
JQ: The weather can be unpredictable.
GT: Like when your cousin took your gun and killed all those people?
JQ: What?
GT: Alright. Great. I’ll look for your column next time.
The interview suddenly ended.
I Want to Tell You So Much More About My New Boyfriend
By Ashley Pfeiffers
I’ve just got so much more to tell you about my new boyfriend.
Yesterday, we walked down to the poster festival at the big tent. “I gotta’ get new some joint for my wall, Ash,” he said. He thought the stuff he had up there was getting a little childish but I thought it was really, really cute. Like the two kittens on top of a gigantic ball of yarn with the caption that says KEEP HANGING ON BECAUSE WE’RE KITTENS AND WE DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.
“Nah, it’s kid’s stuff,” he said, again. Then, he ripped it straight off the wall. I put my hands up to my face in horror but then he turned his ballcap backwards and gave me the biggest kiss. “Wish I could put you up there,” he said. I think he meant it as a compliment even though, at first, I thought it was just a tad creepy. He’s so cute though, I know he likes me.
We got some hot chocolates on the way. My new boyfriend told the lady to put some extra whipped cream on mine. I JUST ABOUT DIED. Then, we went into the poster tent. They had everything in there and my new boyfriend and I just spent hours looking, holding hands, talking about EVERYTHING. I got a really beautiful poster that had a lion and a dolphin on it and my new boyfriend got one that had three really nice painted skateboards that he liked and another that advertised some kind of beer.
On the way home, my new boyfriend asked if I wanted to stop in the cemetery. We walked along the rows of graves looking at the different old-time names. “These people, Ash, they, like, lived and died,” he said. I couldn’t believe he said that!
We just have so much in common.
The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Guy Really Going to Town on Smoothie
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The guy that kicked the smoothie’s ass.
A local Lankville man is really going to town on a smoothie, sources are confirming.
“He’s wolfing it down like a motherfucker!” said impressed Smoothie Monarch employee Jarred Heaths of Inner Lankville Suburban Heights. “He went over in that corner by the window and you could tell that that was the end of that smoothie. It was a god damn rout, is what it was.”
“He pretty much said “checkmate” to that smoothie before it ever had a chance,” said a fellow customer who refused to be identified.
The man, who has yet to be identified himself, later thanked onlookers for their kind words in a short, previously-prepared speech.
“I’m glad that my overwhelming triumph brought a little bit of added sunshine to everyone’s morning,” he said, as he looked down at the empty smoothie glass, which lay overturned and broken on the table, a spent reminder of its former glory. “You vanquish, you look down over your opponent with respect and then you endure.”
The mysterious figure took a moment to shake hands and sign a few autographs before heading outside to his car.
Respected Grocer Cameron’s Yard Defiled; Bumpkins Ruled Out, Schropp Suspected
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Respected Lankville grocer Hank Cameron woke this morning to find his yard defiled, sources are confirming.
The bumpkins were not involved says Cameron and Gee-Temple.
“They [the miscreants] overturned several trash cans and the yard was full of vermin,” noted Cameron, manager of the Foodville Deep Northern Suburban location and father of three. “Given the problem we’ve had with raccoons and that recent super-massive squirrel strain that have showed up, you can imagine the damage that was done.”
Cameron, who is a voting member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club and a pack leader in the Small Child Scouts, said he has no doubt as to who is responsible.
“It’s Brian Schropp. It’s definitely not the bumpkins like you asked me earlier, Lloyd. It’s Brian Schropp.”
It’s definitely not the bumpkins like you asked me earlier, Lloyd. It’s Brian Schropp.
Detective Gee-Temple took a series of prints from the overturned cans and believes an arrest will be imminent.
“Hank is a leading citizen of Lankville. We’ll get to the bottom of this. And no, the bumpkins were not involved in this, Lloyd. There is absolutely no credence to that theory, so let’s just get off the bumpkins and move on.”
SCHROPP ISSUES STATEMENT
Schropp: “I AM INNOCENT OF THESE EGREGIOUS CHARGES!” (paraphrased)
I am just as upset and outraged over the defiling of the yard of Mr. Hank Cameron, manger of Foodville and respected Lankville citizen. No one should have their trash thrown around like that (“a feast for racoons and massive squirrels” is what the neighborhood is calling it). It’s also upsetting that Mr. Cameron (and others) are accusing me of being the perpetrator. I understand that based on the phone conversation printed earlier in the week, folks are saying that I had “a motive”. But like I have stated before Mr. Cameron can be a bit of an a-hole when dealing with the public and has probably made quite a few enemies over the years.
Do I know if the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) were responsible? I have reached out to them and haven’t heard back. I would imagine if a public statement were issued, it would have been made by now (by contacting me, of course). Equally troubling is the fact that apparently I am no longer welcome in the Foodvile store and will have to wait in the car while my folks and siblings shop. In trying to place blame for this horrific event, let us look at another possibility.
Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t the BSU or an enemy from Mr. Cameron’s past. Maybe it was another citizen of Lankville-someone who has kept their feelings about breakfast sandwiches to themselves and in seeing the comments made by Mr . Cameron this week, finally decided to act.
Something to think about anyways.
WE ARE LANKVILLE
To conclude this article on a happier note, the Huntington Road Deli has decided to pick up my idea for “fresh frozen” breakfast sandwiches. Deli owner Kirby Lomax is excited to give the idea a chance since his other breakfast ideas have failed to catch the morning commuter crowd. “I guess people want an actual breakfast in a sandwich not canned meat shoved roughly into a doughnut,” he told me while slicing a honey baked ham for a customer yesterday afternoon. Finally someone who is getting the picture!!!
With a positive outcome to this situation and a few good future articles in the works, I am trying to overlook the fact that I was paired with the bumpkins yet again. Keeping my fingers crossed that the story has finally blown its course and I am free of them at last. As always keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy eating,
BRI
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK