Archive
Boat Authorized
Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Purchase of a $6,000 boat has been authorized, sources are confirming.
The Lankville Pines Board of Recreation Supervisor Tuxedo Chrissy will purchase the boat with funds to come from a $10,000 budget set up for the department of parks and recreation. The supervisor specified that the boat will be operated on reservoirs throughout the Pines.
Tuxedo Chrissy, Supervisor
Although the boat will remain under the direct supervision of the board, Lankville National Statistician Ernst Conde said that the boat will probably be assigned to the sheriff’s office. Conde said the board is still shopping for the boat but plans to buy an aluminum hull. “It will be a versatile boat. They can use it to rescue people and also for patrolling,” Conde advised. Conde’s head suddenly morphed to the shape of a summer squash and the statistician had to be carried to the nearest hospital.
Questioned by The Lankville Daily News on the matter, Tuxedo Chrissy advised, “Well, we gotta’ have this boat, OK. You come up with one thing, I come up with another and if we can’t get the two to meet, well then we’re gonna’ have a problem.”
Tuxedo Chrissy bristled at the idea of the boat being assigned to the sheriff’s office.
“He just got that $900 for air conditioners. I’m keeping that boat. That boat is rightfully mine.”
742 people have died in Lankville reservoirs in the past year.
“Bit of a spike,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was surprised by the figure. “Hopefully, that boat will help. It usually helps.”
You’ve Been Thinking About that Presentation Oar, Haven’t You?
By Floyd Tingley
You’ve been thinking about that presentation oar, haven’t you? A lot of people are like you. They read my article a few months ago and they said, “Hurrmpff! What do I want with one of them?” And then you thought about how good it would look in your basement, den, or boat. Am I right?
Well, fortunately, at Tingley Presentation Oars, we don’t hold no grudges. You want a presentation oar, you came to the right place. Right now, we’re even having a small sale. $195 a presentation oar. Now, before you go writing me and saying, “Hey Floyd– that’s the price you said last time”, let’s make something clear. The price went up. Went up to $215 but right now, just because I know you’ve been thinking about it, I’m going to lower it back to $195 just for you.
Comes with a little gold plaque. I’ll put anything you want on there. Put your name, someone else’s name, the name of your craft, whatever you want. Just no nonsense. No humor. I don’t stand for any of that.
You can write me: Tingley Little Presentation Oars, 55 Knobs, South Lankville, 2-111. Serious inquiries only. Be sure to inquire soon– there’s gonna be a long waiting list at these prices.
The opinions of Mr. Tingley are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News and its subsidiaries.
Legalities Delay East Lankville County Library Project
By Mrs. Larry Temple
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Legal delays are expected to put the completion of the new main branch of the East Lankville County library system a minimum of 4 years away, sources are confirming.
The breakdown of the construction timetable was revealed in Thursday’s meeting of the East Lankville County Board of Trustees.
“We’re sort of at a standstill,” said Board Chairman Damaso Moseby, referring to the legal holdup of the building’s construction.
Damaso Moseby: On the Hot Seat
Library construction had proceeded well and rapidly for months at the old Meyer Plantain Hut building at the corner of Little Sherman Avenue and Eastern Lankville Route 31. Then, when a series of mysterious fires racked the area and a criminal complaint was issued against Moseby, the plans were cut short.
“He set all the fires and he sells drugs,” said Gladys Milton, who operates an aquarium across the street from the proposed location and filed the complaint. “We don’t want him in our neighborhood.”
Moseby denies the allegations and points to his clean criminal record and years of public service. “We’re just trying to build a library out of a plantain hut for the Eastern Lankville community,” the beleaguered chairman stated. “I really don’t know where [Ms. Milton] is getting these ideas.”
Today, the board will reconvene to amend the current policy regarding the lending of reference materials. “We want to be able to continue to provide for the Eastern Lankville Community and we hope to make it easier for individuals to borrow items from the storage facilities under the supervision of the branch manager or librarian in charge,” stated Moseby. “However, patrons will not be able to visit our current site, which should be consider closed until further notice.”
“I’m happy about that,” said Mrs. Milton, when informed. “He sells drugs. He’s a drug dealer and a firestarter. It’s for the best.”
Lankville Television Counselor for Friday
| (2) LVOV | (7) LDFF | (10) LCRE | |
| 6PM | The Clarity Hour with Myoist Hines | Johnny Samples helps people get their keys out of their cars. | LCRE’s Pastor Forum. Rev. Elliott Minster, Rev. Collingswood Tucker |
| 6:30 | “ | NEWS PRECIS | The 6:30 News with Linwood Probert |
| 7:00 | Would You Like to Win All These Wonderful Things? (GAME SHOW) | Restrained Bloopers | The Ric Royer Dance Connection (LIVE) |
| 7:30 | Zoo Chase (GAME SHOW) | Trupper James, M.D. | “ |
| 8:00 | The 8 O’Clock Movie: SIMMERING HEAT (1969) Starring Lin Boppitt, “The Best”, Raymond Toda | SPORTS: Small Motel Girl Wrestling (PRE-RECORDED) | Richard and the Postman |
| 8:30 | “ | “ | The Joffertons |
| 9:00 | “ | Funny Jokes (WARNING: VIOLENCE) | Family Matters (NEW!) |
| 9:30 | “ | A Probe with Shelley Reports: The Rise of Challenges in Lankville | Future Court |
| 10:00 | SPORTS: Lingus Nets Challenge (LIVE) | Fantasy Hill | ALL ANAL HOUR (restricted) |
Lankville Merchants Claim Shoplifting Epidemic; Pondicherry Probes
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Merchants across Lankville are in agreement that a shoplifting epidemic is gripping the nation.
“Everyone in the strip mall is getting hit hard,” noted Dot Peg, owner of the Eastern Lankville Craft Barn. “Our inventory for last month is unable to account for 698 items, 12 fixtures and an entire shelving unit. We can only put the blame on shoplifters at this point.”
Surprisingly, police records in the capital and surrounding towns show only one arrest on the books for the month of June, despite general agreement among merchants that losses were heaviest during that period.
“It’s not on our radar,” noted Detective Gee-Temple from his spacious offices at the Lankville City Courthouse. “We haven’t had any calls or, at least, we haven’t answered any. But it’s something we might be able to look into.”
Dot Peg, owner of The Craft Barn.
A group of merchants have taken the complaint straight to President Pondicherry, who promised a probe just before leaving for his summer vacation.
In a short speech from a battered lectern on someone’s lawn, Pondicherry stated, “we will probe this. If the initial probe fails to reveal anything, the probe will be extended.”
Still, detectives feel that there are very few professional thieves in Lankville.
“It’s tempting, I’m sure,” noted Gee-Temple, who reached to close some blinds which, unfortunately, fell to the floor in a clatter of twisted ersatz wood. “It looks like it would be easy and it actually is easy,” added Gee-Temple, after he pushed the collapsed blinds beneath a nearby bookshelf. “It’s very easy to steal from most stores,” Gee-Temple reiterated.
In the meantime, many merchants plan to add special techniques to catch shoplifters and initiate special training among their employees to stop the rogues.
“It’s shoot to kill at The Craft Barn now,” noted Peg. “The nonsense ends today.”
From Where I Sit…by Joe Marsh
Joe “Cup and Saucer” Fisher- who just retired after 47 years on the Southern Lankville Railroad- was telling about a salesman who was often one of his passengers.
“That man was so busy,” said “Cup and Saucer”, “he used to bring a taping recorder [sic] on the train to catch up on his letters. On one trip, he’d been rushing around so much that he clean forgot to bring his ticket. Left it on his desk.”
When “Cup and Saucer” started to tell him not to worry about the ticket, the salesman burst out with, “who’s worried about the ticket? It’s just that now I don’t know what city I was going to get off at!”
Of course, we all fell off our sitting logs laughing.
Who knows if “Cup and Saucer” was pulling our leg but from where I sit, lots of us get so wrapped up in ourselves that we forget “where we’re going”. Some folks even get so narrow-minded that they even begrudge their neighbors the right to enjoy a glass of dangerous woods liquor now and then. Let’s not forget that just as trains run on steam and oil, democracies run on freedom and tolerance!
An Apology
The flawed photograph ran in Tuesday’s edition of the Lankville Daily News.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize to Mr. and Mrs. Daren Marzano of Outer Lankville.
The News published a photograph on Tuesday of the recently-wedded couple in our “Married” column. Regrettably, one of our designers accidentally cut-off Mr. Marzano’s head while cropping and simply “redrew” Mr. Marzano rather than admitting the error. This designer has been executed.
The Daily News regrets the error.
Paul E. Turtlott Claimed by Death
Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!
Death has claimed the life of Paul E. Turtlott, former mayor of Lankville’s Northern Hole Area, the Turtlott family is confirming. Turtlott was 84.
Paul E. Turtlott has died.
Mr. Turtlott was born in the town of Roogs in 1930 to Steve E. Turtlott and Mary Turtlott, nee Jones. He obtained a law degree from the Small University of Eastern Lankville in 1954 and ran the Turtlott and Turtlott Law Firm with his younger brother Jimmy Turtlott until 1962 when the elder Turtlott sought office.
Turtlott held the post of mayor of the Northern Hole Area from 1963-1978.
“Turtlott was a great mayor,” said former associate Jackie Pears, now 78. “Turtlott had a lot going for him and people in the Northern Hole Area liked Turtlott. Turtlott was their man in a lot of ways. They used to say, “Turtlott is for the People” and I think that’s very true about Paul E. Turtlott.”
Funeral services will be held at the Vast Tabernacle for Expeditious Prayer in the Northern Hole Area on Friday. Turtlott will be interred on Saturday at Buntz Mallows Memorial Cemetery. He is survived by his wife Eleanor Turtlott and his children Steve Turtlott, Drane Turtlott and Gladys Milton nee Turtlott.
“We’ve lost a prodigal son in Turtlott,” noted current Northern Hole mayor Rick “The Dragon” Micks, who was interviewed while pushing his tray along a tubular cafeteria slide and staring at food options through a smudged sneeze guard. “The Turtlott name is no small thing in the Northern Hole Area. So, we’ll see how these mashed potatoes turn out and call it a day.”
Horoscopes by Sheeba Incaviglia
Sheeba Incaviglia
LEO (July 23/Aug 23)– You’ll be wasting some time in the furniture department waiting for the pills to wear off and they’ll suddenly put out a plush recliner unlike anything you’ve ever seen before. Buy it.
VIRGO (Aug 24/Sept 22)– Wear bright colors today to get that extra attention you deserve. Still having second thoughts about entering that beauty pageant? You should put in your application now. You remember that traumatized fisherman that fell in love with that lounge singer? She dumped him. Could be time to swoop in.
LIBIS (Sept 23/Oct 23)– At the time, you thought that guy you saw trying on all the different elastic jeans at the store was vain. Now, it might be time to offer yourself to him. He is waiting in the darkness.
SCORPIONS (Oct 24/Nov 21)– A letter will arrive, smelling of lilacs. Don’t open it. In fact, you should drive it to the next state and leave it by an abandoned mill that appears near collapse. Then, apply for a loan. It will be approved.
SAGITTARIAN YES! (Nov 22/Dec 21)– At work, you put together a group of people to do a job. They fail miserably and a desk is overturned. That’s OK though because they were all islanders.
CANDY CORNS (Dec 22/Jan 19)– Don’t let snap misunderstandings become something bigger. End all discussion with a quick face slap and a small cup of soda purchased from a machine. Pay special attention to people with severe mental disorders– something will be revealed.
AQUARIUMS (Jan 20/Feb 18)– Be inquisitive today– knowledge is power. Ask a lot of unnecessary questions. Demand to speak to several managers. Now is the time to pull the trigger on that five-piece dinette set with the walnut top. Don’t forget the leaf. They sometimes “forget” to include the leaf.
PISCES (Feb 19/Mar 20)– Really best to stay in bed today. You can maybe sit up around lunchtime but don’t leave the room. Draw the curtains and turn on your window air conditioning unit even if it’s not at all hot in your specific area. Gaze at the hay-colored carpet. Definitely hold off on the pewter cross of ancient mystical symbols.
ARIES (Mar 21/Apr 20)– Have all the facts before saying yes to any money ventures. Think of yourself– other people may hate you because of your snobby, arrogant, self-confidence but that’s OK– it will pass. If it doesn’t pass, move on to the next month and just forget about it.
TAUTUS (Apr 21/May 21)– If you haven’t blown the ass out yet of those new dress pants, wear them to work. You’ll get a lot of compliments and maybe a few admirers. Pick up some bubble bath for yourself– the kind that has the amber waving fields of grain on the front for some reason. Eat dinner in the bathtub– you’ll need that tray you’ve been admiring first!
GEMINUS (May 22/Jun 21)– You’ve always resisted camping but you might try it this weekend. Only 1/100 Lankville campers are murdered– take your chances! The afternoon will be brisk and require much of your attention. But there’s good TV on tonight so there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
CANCERS (Jun 22/July 22)– Opportunities will require you to be in tip-top shape. Go work out at the gym and get some meat off those hips. The guys will like you better for it. Just don’t lose too much up front. You need to keep all that business up front.
From Where I Sit…by Joe Marsh
Bob Roberts mowed his lawn early Saturday morning. Then, he sat on the porch and watched Fred Hardy mow his grass.
The Roberts and Hardy properties border one another with no hedge or fence between them. So, when Bob notices that Fred had left a four-foot strip unmowed along the boundary, he walks over and asks why.
“That’s your land, Roberts,” says Hardy. “Mine ends here. See, it lines up with that oak tree over there across the street.”
Bob thought it was a lie. So, they walked up and down the street in the midday sun, looking for the surveyor’s marker. Where did they find it? Well, that’s the funny part of our story! It was right in the middle of their “no man’s land”.
Well, they both grin and pat each other on the back and then they take turn’s finishing the job and then return to Bob’s porch for a nice glass of cold chunky peaches drink.
From where I sit, a little searching around for the truth of a matter often shows that the other fellow is as much right as you are– at which point the whole thing doesn’t seem all that important anyway.
This has been another edition of “From Where I Sit” by Joe Marsh
Joe Marsh’s column is sponsored by the Tony Tanti and Sons Company.
Call Tony today. Prompt service. Discreet. EAST DISTRICT 2-8054
News of the Weird: Northern Lankville’s Giant Woods Spectre
By Graahaam Fosdick
The enormous giant woods spectre that has been the wonder of sportsmen in Northern Lankville since 1991 has again been seen, and this time under very different circumstances. A cyclist came close to the monster on the road between Northtown and Berrycandy, and was obliged to abandon his wheels and climb a tree for safety.
The cyclist, Andy Peebles, 54 (heterosexual) gave a brief interview.
“I saw the woods spectre up close. I can say that I’ve never seen anything even approaching such size and mass. He presents quite a weird appearance at night because of his pink, rosy glow. I was, of course, cycling with guns, so I shot at the spectre but to no avail.”
Peebles suddenly shot himself in the face when a shell accidentally discharged and the interview was ended prematurely.
Curious photo of the woods spectre (REAL!)
It was in 1991 that the woods spectre was first seen by Artie Duffy of Northtown who was sitting in the woods with his pants off. Duffy did not get near enough to the spectre for a good description but states that he saw it plainly. Everybody laughed at the story and Duffy was called many names and eventually admitted to an asylum where he died mysteriously. Not many months after Duffy’s death, a policeman, who asked to remain anonymous and was also in the woods with his pants off, saw the great woods spectre. “I had a lot of guns with me and I shot at [it] too and I noticed that the glow changed. It went from pink to a sort of chartreuse. That’s when a lot of us around here really thought there was something to shoot at.”
For many years, people with guns began shooting haphazardly around the woods between Northtown and Berrycandy, hoping for a chance at the giant woods spectre. 369 hunters were killed during this period. In 1996, Granville Grays, a store proprietor, got closest. “Granville was right up against him before we accidentally shot him,” noted companion Darrell Exchanges in a 2004 interview with News of the Weird. “After that, the giant woods spectre went tearing off down the road at abominable speeds.” Exchanges was later shot.
In 2008, Detective Gee-Temple was called in from the capital. “There was a lot of nonsense going on in those woods, so we aimed to reach a conclusion,” noted the intrepid lawman. “In 2010, we were given the go-ahead to burn the woods down and attempt to ferret the spectre out into a series of complicated nets we had arranged around the perimeter.”
The results? “Nothing. We didn’t find a darned thing,” stated Gee-Temple, who apologized immediately for cursing. “If there’s a spectre, then it’s still out there.”
And the residents of Northtown and Berrycandy? “Oh, we believe in him, no question,” said longtime resident Joe Spurrs, who is unemployed and fat. “I’ve seen him when I’m standing in my kitchen at night, trying to decide if I want a frozen mint patty or whether I maybe want to save one for the next day or maybe whether I just want to go ahead and eat the whole box up and buy another one but then remembering that I’ll have to wait until they freeze again. [we asked Spurrs to move on to the spectre]. Well, he finds patches of woods that are still left around here, areas they didn’t burn down yet or develop. He’s got some aim. We’ll find out eventually.”
The Electronics Cranny: Is it Time for a New Antenna?
By Skip Vorhees Electronics Expert
While it’s true that almost any piece of wire connected to a post can be serviceable, the listener will receive a far superior performance with a properly installed antenna. And while it may be “wisest” to utilize the type of antenna prescribed in your radio’s user manual, the Electronics Cranny is going to show you how to go above and beyond.
THE RIGID SUPPORT METHOD
Let’s begin with the rigid support method. Begin by finding two rigid supports, sufficiently far apart and properly located. Attach one antenna insulator firmly to one support using a piece of antenna wire, then attach the desired end to the same support by means of a nonslipping knot (see figure 1.1).
Now you can proceed with the mounting, soldering and the reams. When you have completed these crucial steps, you can begin the attachment of a series of complicated pulleys. This will allow for the second insulator to pass crisply over the pulley wheel, deliciously coming to rest on the opposite stanchion. Now you can draw hard on the rope until it become taut. Be sure to turn on your radio now and see if you can hear anything. If you can’t hear anything, go back to figure 1.1 and study further. Check again your tautness or tautivity. Note: you won’t be able to use the rigid support method if you live in the Southern Lankville Savannah Areas.
THE INDOOR ANTENNA
Several types of antenna have been approved for indoor use to avoid the horrifying nuisance of the outdoor antenna. These are primarily for use with portable, table-model radios or built-in components that have proven popular with the crafty. One type is the hanks antenna, so called because it is merely a hanks of some wires. You can stretch it out carelessly along the floor or ruin some moldings by banging it in there with a hammer (see figure 1.2). This will give you good reception for local programming but is rarely effective for good short-wave reception. It can prove to be noisy and distracting. And while it may appear useful at first, as the months pass you will begin to realize that there is a sort of lurking, odious fear issuing from your walls, a hum that portends some irreversible disaster (see figure 1.2).
Figure 1.2
Therefore, it may be best to utilize a flagpole antenna. In this scenario, a commercial flagpole antenna, similar to an auto-radio whip atenna, will produce better results.
THE HERTZBERG-PFAFF UNGROUNDED ANTENNA
For the best reception, however, the Electronics Cranny recommends a Hertzberg-Praff ungrounded antenna for both broadcast and short-wave reception. This is a project for the advanced electronics enthusiast as it requires the mounting of multiple “lightning shields” to prevent being scorched by the heavens. If you feel confident (or if you’re the type of person who thinks you are always right), go ahead and proceed with the Hertzberg-Pfaff.
First, climb to the highest point possible and begin laying out nets to capture and redirect ambient noise. Install the leadin on the ground and then quickly yank it out again. This will allow you to listen for defects.
Figure 1.3. It may be useful to have a lightning detector while installing the Hertzberg-Pfaff antenna.
Begin attaching the lightning shields. If there is lightning in the area, it may be useful to purchase a lightning detector dashboard (figure 1.3) from The Electronics Cranny (most models are from $5500-$6500). By reading ampere levels, you will begin to have an idea if the lightning will strike your high area. If readings prove conclusive, just climb higher up. It’s always wise to bring a couple of ladders with you.
Now, it’s just a matter of matching the transformers and punching some industrial staples into the ground. Your Hertzberg-Pfaff will be ready to go.
QUESTIONS
1. What considerations must the serviceman keep in mind when entering an apartment?
2. List several possible sources of noises.
3. A receiver is reported as suffering from excessive fading. A check of the receiver shows it to be perfect. What the hell do you think could be up?
4. An operator has spilled a cake on his antenna. What’s the procedure for reinstallation?
5. An antenna is be installed near several power lines, an energy plant and an airport. Should precautions be taken?
6. Who were Hertzberg and Pfaff and how did they come up with the idea of the ungrounded antenna. Are they dead? How did they die?
Royer on Animals
By Ida Rumpus
Ida Rumpus recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville business mogul Frater-Xerxes (Ric Royer).
IR: Tell me about your childhood growing up with animals.
RR: I had a bunny for a time.
IR: What happened to him?
RR: He blew away.
IR: It’s well-known that you once ate a panda. How have you worked to change your image?
RR: Most people who manage malls have cooked up a hell-broth of self-induced obstacles or else shoot forth as if from a deranged jenny into some sort of romantic imagination and fool themselves for the rest of their lives.
IR: I assume you’re talking about Scott Kites, who has been trying to evict you from your mall home?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: I want to ask you about the upcoming Lankville Panda Benefit. You are spearheading this initiative, I understand?
RR: Every panda has a course, depending partly on the panda’s self and partly on the panda’s environment which is natural, luscious and necessary for each. Any panda who is forced from its self, or through external opposition from another panda, comes into conflict with the order of our Universe and suffers accordingly.
IR: And that’s where you step in? To try to help the panda stay on its course?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: How much do you hope to raise for pandas?
RR(clearly confused): Who?
IR: Anything else?
RR: You can transform heat into light and power to illuminate an entire porcelain Christmas village.
IR: Thanks.
RR: Why?
Don’t Tell Me to Have No Good Trip, You Little Shitbirds
By Fingers Rolly Man on the Street
I hate it when these shitbird women come up to you at church or at some sort of godforsaken outdoor barbeque and, just about when you’re ready to leave, they say, “have a good trip.” Talk about a god damn jinx. What are they thinking, these little bitches with their complicated pastel-colored hats and their shapeless floral-patterned blazers with the wretched whore shoulder pads? I cuss ’em up and down all the way back to the truck and let me tell you something, they deserve it, the miserable little bitch dogs of hell.
I’ve changed churches a lot recently.
The Lankville Daily News would like to apologize for the preceding article.
Frater-Xerxes (Ric Royer) Collapses Near Mall Fountain
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS! YES!
Frater-Xerxes (formerly Ric Royer) collapsed this morning near an inoperable fountain at Twin Removed Pines Mall in downtown Lankville, sources are confirming. The Frater is currently in an undisclosed location.
The fountain at Twin Removed Pines Mall in its heyday.
The Frater’s mall retail space house has remained closed to reporters.
“He’s had some sort of problem with this fountain for quite some time,” noted mall CEO Scott Kites. “We’ve had some trouble getting it to work, actually because of something that Mr. Royer [Frater-Xerxes] did. He had an Easter basket filled with rolled pennies and he spent the whole day dropping them into the fountain from the second floor. I think it clogged up the apparatus.”
“I think Mr. Royer [Frater-Xerxes] feels that we should have had it working by now,” added Kites, who has been trying to remove the eccentric Lankville business magnate from the retail space for several months.
“He doesn’t sell anything. He lives there. He puts up lurid curtains. He dumps excessive amounts of pennies into the fountains. It needs to stop,” Kites stated.
The Frater’s current condition is unknown.
“He has this big, extremely velvety robe that he wears every morning. It’s got a gold fleur-de-lis on it– sometimes he wears a crown but he didn’t have that on today,” noted a custodian who refused to be identified and was later found murdered. “He just stood by the fountain for a long time and you could see that he was getting lightheaded and then he just collapsed. That was it.”
“We finished up our cinnamon loaf slabs and then called for help,” the custodian added.
Further updates on the Frater’s condition are expected later today.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK