The Lankville Daily News

By Grady Kitchens
Senior Staff Writer

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24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello whipped and then released several players following Pondicherry League action last night. The players have not yet been named.

“He came right into the locker room with an incredible sense of purpose and resolve on his face,” noted forward Sidney Crosby, who is not believed to be one of the players cut loose. “He went over to [name withheld] and whipped him mercilessly, then handed him a pink slip. Following that, some guys took this giant industrial vacuum cleaner and sucked everything out of [his] locker. Didn’t even give him a chance to claim any personal items. It was terrible.”

Crosby stated that the same series of events happened to two further players.

“It happened three times total. Then Mr. Vitiello left the [locker] room and the guys with the big giant vacuum cleaner followed.”

“They even sucked up the [player’s] street clothes,” Crosby added. “They had nothing to wear.”

The 24-Piece Men remain mired in 8th place in the 9-team league.

“We haven’t been playing well,” said forward Patrick Sharp, who also witnessed the event. “But there’s no call for coming into a locker room, whipping people and then sucking up all their personal effects with a humungous vacuum cleaner that allows nothing, nothing at all to remain. It was a sort of vacuum holocaust, if you will.”

The 24-Piece Men are expected to release a statement today.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello crossed the street this morning to feed his neighbor’s cat. The executive was wearing a thermal one-piece jumper.

“I see that some clod gave you access to our gated community,” said Vitiello, when approached. “I will visit him later.”

Vitiello allowed this reporter to briefly interview him once the cat had been fed.

CV: Nothing wrong with a brisk winter walk in a jumper.
BB: Not at all. Tell us about the cat.
CV: It’s a cat. It needs to be fed. What more is there to extract from that scenario?
BB: Are you…
CV(interrupting): Let’s go ahead and just dispense with the formalities, Mr. Belvedere.

Vitiello began whipping Mr. Belvedere mercilessly and the interview was ended prematurely.

By Brock Belvedere, Jr.
Senior Staff Writer

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A giant land kraken has devoured Pondicherry Association News reporter Enceladus Sheets. The journalist was 54.

“It was horrible,” said witness Pete Purvis of Eastern Lankville. “It was an atrocious squid-like creature, extraordinarily mobile and it appeared suddenly from the depths of some mad hell that no sane creator could even begin to conjure. It devoured Enceladus instantly.”

“I’m terribly sorry to hear of the loss of this bus, it’s a great tragedy,” said Oversions owner John Barlow, who was yachting. “It was carpeted. It had depressions in the arms for soft drinks. It was first class all the way.”

When informed that it was a journalist that perished and not a bus, Barlow commented, “There are different viewpoints to be hashed out. We will see who wins in the end.”

Sheets was a Senior Staff Writer for the News and had covered Lankville hockey since 1982.

“I had some good light lunches with Enceladus,” said fellow reporter Marles Cundiff. “We always assumed that our demise would come from getting shot. Never did we think of a land kraken.”

“He was a good man though he had a lot of very dark, evil secrets,” said Sheets’ wife Lucy, who was judged to have below average tits and an unflattering ass. “Sometimes, when I sat across the table from Enceladus, I thought that I was looking right into the orifice of utter madness.”

A small service for Sheets was planned, moved to a different date and then forgotten.

By Larry “God” Peters
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent

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Terrifying Bat GM The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer) is experimenting with controlled environments in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, according to witnesses.

“The Great President of Hell requested and was granted an adjacent cell,” noted Warden Jenness, who was still overseeing the placement of decorative hams in his office, an installation that has now taken over three months. “His current living space is, according to his experiments, meant to represent the controlled environment of heaven or paradise and the adjacent cell is meant to be a cursed place, a sort of Hell.”

The Great President of Hell released the following statement:

“A controlled environment provides the perfect opportunity to determine and change conditions at specific points in time during an experiment, for example by exposing the walls and furnishings to fire, by burying vile objects in the floor and by allowing evil spirits free roaming access. During decisive growth and development periods, e.g. during the flowering of evil, we can monitor the situation closely by preventing the villainous new obscenity from escaping and tackling nearby residents. It must remain celled and quarantined. In this way, tents may be safely placed on a field plot or may be substituted with closely defined conditions inside the hell growth chamber.

We are also creating a nurturing, heaven-like environment in our current environs by continuing to add to the collection of illuminated snow villages and by allowing the further propagation of colorful balloons.”

“We believe in allowing our wards the opportunity to perform important research,” noted Jenness. “The Great President of Hell has taken a keen interest in these subjects. We will allow it to continue.”

The Great President of Hell is expected to release an abstract in the coming weeks.

By Gump Tibbs
Senior Staff Writer

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The Small Pizzas and 24-Piece Men completed a trade early this afternoon which saw forward Phil Kessel going to the Pizzas in exchange for forward Jeff Skinner. The players are expected to join their new clubs tomorrow.

“Yeah, happy to get Kussell [sic],” said Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer” who was gyrating lewdly above a mass of fetid undergarments. “More importantly can you even begin to fathom the conceptual elements I’ve laid out here? Jesus H. Christ on the cross, this is a construct that you’ll never forget,” the executive added breathlessly before ordering reporters out of the room.

24-Piece Men GM Chris Vitiello expressed contentment with the deal.

“I’ve made no secret of my deep scorn towards Mr. Kessel,” said Vitiello, who was interviewed while examining an industrial push sweeper at a nearby Home Dump. “I am repulsed by him. I told him not to get too comfortable because it was my intent to trade him immediately. He is a contemptible drone.”

Vitiello suddenly grabbed a Home Dump employee and asked, “Will this sweeper get chips up?” The employee began a long explanation and it was felt we should take our leave.

The trade is expected to be ratified by commissioner Pondicherry within the hour.

By Nient Boffo
Senior Staff Writer

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Association commissioner Dr. Albert C. Pondicherry, Jr. will begin an apology tour today in an attempt to repair relations with fans left disgruntled over the three-month lockout.

“We want the hate to crystallize and the focal point of the hate to shift away from ownership and onto Dr. Pendischorries [sic],” said Small Pizzas GM “Inner Hammer”. “We’ve prepared an entire series of little morality plays where Dr. Pandycherries [sic] will appear on hastily-constructed stages as a sort of rapist-monster bent on the destruction of all that is good and we believe it will win many fans back. We have a series of props and costumes that will make the entire performance more convincing.”

“Inner Hammer” suddenly excused himself. “Gotta go get my root honked, boys,” he explained before leaving abruptly.

“I am not entirely pleased with the scenario,” stated Pondicherry, who was examining the series of strange, frightening costumes. “But, it’s what’s best for hockey and I’ve always stood for that. If dressing up in these demon outfits will help, then I’m all for it.”

Pondicherry was suddenly punched hard in the stomach by a fan, who emerged from the crowd of reporters. He doubled over and then fell onto the floor and the interview had to be ended prematurely.

The first show of the tour will be tomorrow night at the Lankville Beach and Sound Area Arena. Tickets are still available.

By Tito Presentation
Distinctive Reporter

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Incarcerated Terrifying Bat GM Ric Royer announced today that he will now be known as “The Great President of Hell”.

“There is not necessarily a negative connotation to this,” noted Royer, who was interviewed while on a Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness field trip to a nearby amusement park. “It is merely a nod to the 10th spirit, the centaur and my interest in obscure appendices. There could be fifty legions of demons under my command but otherwise, one should not be afraid. Enjoy the amusement park.”

The Great President of Hell then threw himself wildly into a double-laned bouncy inflatable slide and the interview was ended prematurely.

By Clifford Griffey
Contemporary Junior Chronicler

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Oversions GM John Barlow stated last night during a book signing that he is mercilessly hounded by “the succubus”. The incident occurred at a Smalley’s Book and Yellow Pottery Store in Eastern Lankville.

A long line had gathered to have their book signed by Barlow, when the executive suddenly stood up and addressed the throng:

“Folks, I have an announcement. I am followed by the succubus. All the time. It is a frightening and demonic creature that dream-defiles me. This is followed by the creation of a small nocturnal food mess on the carpet. It’s terrible. Now, everyone line up quietly and I’ll sign your book.”

The declaration is said to have cast a pall over the festivities.

“I was hoping to just talk a little hockey, celebrate the beginning of the season,” said Oversions fan Tony Templeton of East Lankville Village. “But when Mr. Barlow said that, it spread fear and consternation.

Templeton’s health suddenly deteriorated and he died while still standing in line.

“It was perhaps an inopportune moment for Mr. Barlow to inform people,” said an Oversions executive, who refused to be identified. “But it’s something he’s been suffering with for years. We all know about the succubus and its apparent violations.”

Barlow refused to answer any further questions but promised a second volume of his autobiography which would address the issue.