Archive
Are Oscillating Fans Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
Zachary Keebaugh
It’s getting hot in Lankville and you’re probably thinking about dragging that old oscillating fan down from the attic, setting it up on a chair and letting it go to town. But are they safe? I aimed to find out. I am Zach Keebaugh, Investigative Reporter.
Wunderkind inventor Danny Madison laughed at the idea. “The traditional three-speed oscillating fan with the alleged “safety grill” (here Madison employed the use of ironic air quotes), 90-degree oscillation and adjustable tilt is, more or less, a dinosaur. At Danny Madison Industries, we no longer make them. Let me show your our version of the fan.”
Madison led me past a series of glass cases where strange products beeped and buzzed. We entered a windowless white room. Lights flicked on instantly at our appearance. “Yo, that’s cool,” I commented. “Like, magic lights and shit.” Madison eyed me up for a minute, then he led me over to a small device on a table.
“This is our version of the fan. Note, we don’t even use the word “fan”. We use the name “Air Augmenter”.”
Madison gave me a few moments to let it sink in.
“The Madison Air Augmenter collects air from one area and transfers it to another area, if you will,” Madison continued. “While this may seem like an obvious extension of vacuum motor science, the Madison Air Augmenter takes that collected air, filters it, and redistributes it as “Breeze Cubes”. Ours is the only product that can achieve this complex transformation.”
“Yo, you mean, the air comes out in big cubes?” I asked.
Fifty years ago called. They want their oscillating fan back.
“In a sense,” Madison replied, as he removed a calculator from his jeans jacket and began to program a series of equations. “We also have successfully marketed an organic non-carcinogenic, non-toxic florescent dye that can be placed in the Air Augmenter. This allows the user to actually view the released breeze cubes with the naked eye. You can literally watch the cubes collect in your room.”
“So, your overheated shitbox of an apartment becomes like a cool wind rustling over the savanna?” I asked. Madison furrowed his brow.
In addition to all these awesome features, the Madison Air Augmenter requires no messy cleanup. No trying to wash out that big dented alien head of a grill in your bathtub while watching some challenge in the alley behind the knives and puzzles shop.
“The Air Augmenter needs no protective cover,” Madison said. He was back to the calculator again– punching a bunch of shit in there. “You don’t even need to wipe it down– it cleans itself. Sprays a fine mist on itself on a daily basis. Another feature that separates us from the so-called “oscillating fan” concerns. Also, the fan can be programmed via your “Reckoner”– another fine Danny Madison product.”
“So, you’re out working at the toy store or waiting for some bozo to finish up a steak sandwich and you can use your little calculator there to fill up your room with those cubes,” I commented. “You come home and BAM, you got yourself a room full of cubes.”
“Essentially,” Madison responded. He was staring at me again.
The Madison Air Augmenter retails for $199.99 and recently received an “A Safety Rating” from the Lankville Bureau of Probes.
The Small Towns of Lankville
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
Lloyd Byas-Kirk recently won a large, unwieldy trophy with several distinct layers supported by columns for his series on the small towns of Lankville.
One passes through a verdant dell, a gigantic graveyard and an abandoned cake refinery before arrival in the town of “Curtberg”, located in the Eastern Lankville Mountainous Regions. There is a gas station, a handsome restaurant named after a former Lankville President, some houses and some cars. It is a place where a man can sit outside and ruminate over the morning sun coruscating brilliantly off the rooftops, it is a place for peace but also a place for guns, it is a place that holds Lankville tradition deep to its breasts [sic].
Harry Solids is the “mayor” of Curtberg. “Well, I was not officially elected,” he says, as he we stand in front of the post office for reasons unclear. “But, I act as the sort of person that sits on floats and accepts medals and other ceremonial geegaws. And, when there is dissent, I’m the person that gets the beating. I accept that. It’s part of the job.”
Main Street, Curtberg
Glenn Chowder has lived here for as long as he can remember. He works at the gas station, in the belt department. “This is a good town full of good people. We don’t cater much to interlopers,” he notes, as he consumes his meal (the meal of the Lankvillian– a hot dog and some raisins) in the grass behind the gas station. “We try to keep the town clean of nonsense.”
People like to look out windows in Curtberg. “We like to see what’s going on,” said resident Debbie Didier. “Like to see if the fence is holding up, if the garbage cans are on their paving stones at a proper angle, that the lids are on straight. It’s the little things that are important here,” Didier added.
Although the sun makes its radiant appearance in the early morning, it rains often here. A pounding, vigorous rain that leaves everything soppy and moist. “We’re all pretty much half-wet all the time,” Solids noted, as we moved along Main Street, passing in and out of a series of clashing storms. “You buy, say, a 24-pack of beer from the liquor store and the cardboard container is sodden before you get it out the door. You know how cardboard just kind of breaks down and turns real floppy? Just flops all over the place, you can’t control it, why try? And then it lands in the street and all the cans roll down the hill. That happens pretty frequently, everyday in fact. And I buy the big cans. The cans with the new “vast cavity” for more accessible drinking. Have you seen those?”
“I don’t drink,” I admitted.
Solids looked off towards the mountains. “Well, anyway, a bunch of my cans are at the bottom of the hill. They throw some straw over them and that’s that.”
“Terminus,” he added, after a long pause.
Pastor Glenn Laboy runs the town’s church. “I give a Sunday sermon and we have some little room sessions where people talk about life issues that are bothering them– work problems, the ceaseless rain, how hard it is to get anybody to put out for you anymore. I don’t judge, I listen. My job is to listen.”
“Shall we read a passage together in celebration of your article?”
Byas-Kirk immediately ran out of the church. The article will be continued at a later date.
Schropp Keynote Speaker at “Bowls of Meat Festival”
Jackie Sheds, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES
Lankville Daily News contributor Brian Schropp was the keynote speaker yesterday at the 1st Annual Lankville Suburban “Bowls of Meat Festival”. The event drew nearly 10,000 suburban Lankvillians.
“It was a great success and a big part of that was Brian,” noted organizer Natalie Sisters-Solutions. “Even though Brian’s speech didn’t make a lot of sense and even though he started crying all of a sudden for reasons unclear, people just liked seeing him. We all know that people who write for The Lankville Daily News are kind of a big deal.”
The event featured over 1,500 different bowls of meat spanning a wide-range of Lankville culinary traditions.
Schropp sits before the bowls of meat.
“I thought it was fantastic,” said an attendee, who was later carried off by hawks. “There were even bowls that appeared at first glance to be vegetables or some sort of weird seaweed thing or soup but once you pushed that junk aside, you saw it was just a big pile of meat underneath. I loved it.”
Schropp was pleased with the event.
“There were definitely some types of meat that I was unfamiliar with, some things that don’t really jive with my enhanced taste profile but otherwise I enjoyed myself tremendously. As I say, you should always keep your mouths [sic] open to new experiences.”
Schropp noted that he prepared his speech while riding a bus home from a urology appointment.
“Some good ideas were flowing but I didn’t have any paper with me, so I just wrote the ideas on my leg. Fortunately, I was wearing jean shorts that day, so I had a lot of space.”
Sisters-Solutions says that a 2nd festival is already in the works.
“We hope there will be more meat, more Brian, more bowls, more celebrations,” she noted.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr
Dick Oakes, Jr.
They dropped me off in a dirt lot. There was a phone booth with a big god damn cactus next to it and a faded sign above that said, “DISCOUNT GARAGE” and another that said, “BUS”. There was no garage and no bus had stopped here in an age– there was only a junked car and the remnants of a mean foundation made of unpainted cinder block.
There was a guy on the other side of the road smoking a cigarette. I thought about hitting him up (it had been a few days) but he suddenly dropped his pants and started pissing into a cowboy hat that was on the ground. I didn’t want no part of that.
I started down the road.
I came to a little shit town with a closed bank on one corner and a toy store on the other. Someone had dumped a bunch of gravel in front of the toy store door. There was a sheet hanging from the second floor window that said CLOSED BECAUSE OF THAT GRAVEL THAT YOU SEE THERE. I couldn’t figure on none of it and I kept walking.
Right before the road pebbled out into baked brown hills, there was a stark shitbox of a place that sat off on a lot of tangled brush and choked cacti. There was an old animated sign on wheels that somebody had dragged out that said OPEN. The sun was starting to go down. I walked in.
The shitbox stopped me where I stood. The interior was done up in eastern grain cabinets and fancy tiling– fashionable chairs were all about the room. Nobody was around.
I sat down at a desk for awhile, then opened the top drawer. There were a bunch of business cards in a rubber band. “GARY LIVINGSTON- THE AUXILIARY,” they said with a phone number printed below. I picked up a gold nameplate. “GARY LIVINGSTON- THE AUXILIARY”– the same. I couldn’t figure on any of it but the guy had a bottle in the bottom drawer. I got lit as the last bit of light faded over the mountains.
When I woke up it was morning. There was a secretary with bobbed hair banging it out on a damn typewriter.
“Where’s the Auxiliary?” I asked.
She looked up. “The Auxiliary is very busy today. He’s hanging some wall-size art all day.”
“Yeah? What the hell kind of business is that?”
She seemed confused. “It’s a…craggy shore. Some hanging grapes come complimentary. There’s a big watch too that’s a clock.”
She got up to change the paper. I took a good long look at the tail.
“Why not skip all that, come out and have a hamburger?” I offered. I had just cashed my government relief check– eighteen bucks, I felt flush.
“But…the Auxiliary.”
“Just put a god damn sign up. Nobody gives a damn. Tell me who gives a damn.”
She couldn’t tell me.
We ended up at a counter down the road. Some yahoo with a paper hat was cursing loudly at the grill. Bobbed hair asked me my name and seemed disappointed when I told her.
“Not really a strong name,” she said. “When I hear that name, I think of somebody who spends a lot of time riding buses and sleeping on tables.” It was pretty damn good archery, I had to give it to her.
We ate our lunch in silence. Occasionally, the grillman would start up cursing again. He was pretty vile. Bobbed hair didn’t seem bothered by him though so I let it ride. When I asked for the check, he waved us off. I couldn’t figure on none of it.
We walked back towards the shitbox. There wasn’t nobody around.
“I won’t fuck you,” she said suddenly. A weird breeze started up–it seemed to be coming down from the hills. Brush blew everywhere, all to hell.
“I won’t fuck you,” she said again. “But thank you for the lunch. As great a man as the Auxiliary is, he has never bought me lunch.”
I didn’t know what the hell to say. She disappeared inside.
I didn’t follow her.
Jeepers Creepers, When Did He Get Mr. Peepers?: Pondicherry Has New Dog
By Buck Igloos
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
There’s a new tenant at the Presidential Palace these days. President Pondicherry announced today that he has acquired a new dog.
President Pondicherry has a new dog!
“His name is Mr. Peepers,” the chief executive noted. “He’s yellow.”
Pondicherry has already distributed numerous photos of the “First Dog” and has asked Lankvillians to send him their thoughts on Mr. Peepers.
“Tell me what you think about him. Send him beautiful roses. Be poetic. If I like your response, who knows? Perhaps I’ll appear in your stairwell,” noted Pondicherry, in an online post.
Mr. Peepers is Pondicherry’s third dog since becoming President.
“The other two were also called Mr. Peepers. It’s a favorite name of mine,” he stated. “I am really blessed to lead our country during a period of great consequence.”
Pondicherry refused to answer further questions and ended the press conference early.
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Yesterday I had yet another appointment with my therapist, Dr. Nickelbee. My parents have been making me go more and more often because he is offering them such cheap rates. I have tried to tell them about some of the more uncomfortable things he does during our sessions but they say I’m just doing my usual ‘over exaggerating’.
So there I was on his small therapist couch smelling the flavor of his gum (because he was WAY too close) and enduring the rubbing of my leg like I was some prized pet.
“Bri, you have made such progress in the little time we have been together. Your tortured soul is like a multi-layered taco dip with us taking each layer carefully, putting it on our mouths and tasting what needs to be fixed.”
I felt like we had made zero progress; I was also slightly embarrassed when my stomach rumbled at the mention of the taco dip.
Eddie, former owner of ‘Eddie’s Sub Shack’ now trying something more upscale.
“Your food articles are helping you open up more which in turn is getting us to more layers of the dip, the deep down dark good bits, the stuff I really want to hear about (he squeezed my knee really hard). We just have one problem, I feel like you are limiting yourself in what you are willing to try and write about in your articles. It’s all fun and cute writing about some greasy pizza stuff or unhealthy breakfast sandwiches but you need to try penning more complicated and refined taste profiles.”
I tried to assure him I knew all about complicated taste profiles, he just needed to try a ‘Pizza Eggwich’ if there was any doubt. This just made him squeeze my knee even harder.
“Stop being so defensive big guy. I have booked us a table at a restaurant called “Eddie’s”. I hear from all my other therapist friends that this is a true cutting edge culinary establishment, a little more ‘upscale’ shall we say. Looking at a menu on-line the prices are expensive which means it must be good.”
I doubted he had any therapist friends or any friends in general. The last thing I wanted to do was spend more time with him. I tried using the excuse that I didn’t have any money to help pay for this expensive meal.
“Don’t worry, I told your folks all about this brilliant idea of mine so they will be talking with your manager, Scott at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ about you picking up some extra shifts to cover the expenses.”
After much eye rolling we were off and went in Dr. Nicklebee’s “wonderful, progressive and good for the environment” electric car. I thought it was just small and cramped which only continued his need to keep putting his hand on my leg. Luckily the ride didn’t last long because the car started to slow down after about a block then die completely a few minutes after that.( I guess the battery only keeps a charge for so long.)
So we were walking it the rest of the way with me secretly hoping no one would recognize me with this fool (we were only a few blocks away now from my home in Deep Northern Suburban Lankville). As we neared the shopping center it dawned on me where we might be going.
“There used to be a place called ‘Eddie’s Sub Shack’ in here. It wasn’t upscale at all in fact it got closed because of health violations. I thought the food wasn’t too bad but most people did. I think the only reason he had customers was he accepted Lankville food stamps. Oh, he also didn’t wear a shirt and usually wore a woman’s bra, that freaked people out.”
Dr. Nickelbee just shook his head and thought I was making up more ‘stories’. I was proven right when we walked into ‘Eddie’s’ and were greeted by the man himself.
“Hey Bri.”
“Hey Eddie.”
Dr. Nickelbee looked around and was clearly not impressed with the establishment. To me it was the same old restaurant filled with green plastic tables and chairs. The only difference I could make out were the floors being slightly more clean and the tables had little vases on them with flowers (many of the flowers were old and dying).
“This-this is the ‘Eddie’s’ I saw on-line? The one which said it was upscale and the food was expensive?”
Eddie nodded “Yes. Food here is very upscale and very expensive. Good-good, fancy like.”
The maple chicken.
We were shown to our table and given some menus. Again, Dr. Nickelbee wasn’t very impressed with the sticky one-sided menu written in marker but I looked past that at some of the amazing featured items. I wanted to try the ‘hotdog and scrapple potpie delight’ and the ‘deviled eggs in a mysterious cream sauce casserole’. Of course Dr. Nickelbee countered, “remember why we are here Bri, to try things out of your comfort zone. I don’t mean to put you down but I am the professional here.”
So he talked over me when Eddie came back and ordered the ‘maple chicken’ and the ‘fancy pasta with pork and quiche’. He would of course pick out the two most boring sounding items on the menu. While we waited for the food he babbled on about how I should learn ‘real food culture’, I tuned him out and turned my thoughts to the food that was coming. Once served (it did take a while, good food does) you can guess who wasn’t head over heels for it.
“What is this crap?!!! It looks like chicken nuggets over some maple syrup with a waffle thrown in!”
“Good-good. Real fancy like.” Eddie replied before walking away.
I stuck to my motto which I knew in my heart-‘keep your mouth and mind open to new ideas’. “Really this isn’t too bad. They’re using my favorite maple syrup from the store, I use it on my breakfast burritos all the time. They could of nuked the chicken nuggets a bit longer that’s my only real complaint.”
Dr. Nickelbee started to go on about how this wasn’t what he had in mind but I wasn’t listening. My eyes glazed over and I heard the faint chorus of bumpkins. I reached for my ‘little notebook of ideas’ I carry in my back pocket, inspiration had struck.
“What are you doing?!! You’re suppose to be listening to me!!”
After a few moments of writing I looked him dead in the eye– “Pizza Waffles. Just gotta find a way to connect both together—ham or Northern Lankville bacon? Syrup or not? Gotta do some experimenting at work…”
My dining companion was getting more irate. I began to question if he was maybe a little bit jealous of my creative ideas. Or even if his continued put-downs of my taste profile were just a cover of not having his own.
The real poop hit the ceiling fan (sorry Mom for that expression but I did witness that happen in this very establishment a few years back) when the next course came out.
“LANKVILLE O’S!!!! YOUR FANCY PASTA IS JUST CANNED LANKVILLE O’S!!” Dr. Nickelbee screamed.
A little side note in case you didn’t know- Lankville is known all over the world for the ‘Lankville O’s’. We were the first to mass produce little tiny pasta put in an ‘o’ shape and then canned in tomato sauce. Many have tried to make their own version and there even been wars. I can proudly say I think we still make the finest and also proud that we have a processing plant right here in the heart of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville which employs 60% of the lesser local population.
“Dr. Nickelbee please calm down,” I countered. “You don’t want to upset people by putting down ‘Lankville O’s’. It can turn ugly fast.”
Fancy pasta with pork and quiche.
His face was turning bright red. “BUT IT’S CHEAP PASTA–JUST LIKE YOU–I BET YOU WERE CALLED ‘CHEAP PASTA’ IN SCHOOL–YOU DISGUST ME SWIRLING THAT SAUSAGE IN THAT CHEAP TOMATO SAUCE—”
Turns out mixing some of the ham (loose meat) and sausage on the plate with the tomato sauce from the ‘Lankville O’s’ wasn’t so bad. I’m sure if we had a way at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ of coming up with a sauce which was half as good we could make something that would put us over the edge of our rivals.
I was brought back to reality with Dr. Nicklebee screaming “I HATE YOU-I HATE YOU” over and over again and running out the front door. I was glad there was only a handful of people dining at the time– an older couple sharing a plate of ‘deviled eggs in a mysterious cream sauce casserole’ (later on they would tell me it was pretty good) and a homeless man sleeping at a table in the far corner (I guess you technically can’t count that as dining).
Eddie came over and I related the whole story to him. He was nice enough to charge me for just one of the meals ($24.95) and we agreed that if I didn’t touch the quiche (which looked gross anyway) he could serve it to someone else. Luck was also on my side since I wasn’t too far from home after such a fulfilling meal. Thanks again Eddie (and by the way nice bra today).
Now I’m sure the question on your mind is will my parents make me stop seeing Dr. Nickelbee after seeing this article? I will keep you informed my gentle readers. Until next time please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy eating-Bri
Is Rubber Mulch Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
By Zachary Keebaugh
The public playground in the Central Lankville Showy Suburban Area has everything a kid could want. You got swings, a helicopter, some ropes, a little barn. But it’s got something else too. A surface made of rubber mulch. That’s right– rubber mulch.
IS IT SAFE?
Van Griese, a local contractor, laid the rubber mulch himself. “It’s the latest in safety surfacing,” he told me, as we walked slowly together by a lake. “You got shredded rubber from old tires and when the kiddies fall over, it’s more pillowy than say, some mulch or some rocks, god forbid.”
I stopped him.
“Is it safe?” I probed.
“Of course, it’s safe. Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Don’t know, man. I heard there might be some chemicals in there, some shit that gets all whacked when it gets hot. Vapors, man. Volatile substances.”
Griese just stared at me. He was clearly unnerved.
ARE KIDS EATING THE SHIT?
Fun Playground….or HELL?
Lisa Adiron-Chairs is a mother of two. “I really struggled to keep my daughter from putting the tire crumbs in her mouth. Plus, they would come back from the park just covered in black. Skin, clothes, everything. I just thought, this can’t be healthy.”
“Yo, it’s just cut-up tires. So what if they eat a few tires over the course of a lifetime? You don’t even want to know the shit I’ve eaten,” I remarked.
“But we know they put chemicals in tires. We have to take responsibility as parents to limit the health risks. We need more information.”
MIXED MESSAGES FROM PONDICHERRY
The Lankville government, however, is sending parents mixed messages about this rubber mulch junk.
“We have done several dozen studies and found no negative health risks,” noted government toxicologist Lando Curry.
“Don’t give me that weak-ass shit,” I countered. “Your studies are limited and insufficient to establish conclusively that rubber mulch surfaces are safe.”
“Look, the Agency for Lankville Woods and Copses acknowledges that more studies need to be made but all of our product safety agencies recommend and promote rubber mulch. And the Lankville Playground Layout Subcommittee wholeheartedly endorses rubber mulch– why, we even have a rubber mulch playground at the Presidential Palace.”
“Sounds like you got a lot of important committees. Be a shame if anything happened to any of them,” I noted, trying to sound as gangster as possible.
“Are you threatening the government?” Curry countered.
I backed down right away. I don’t want to get that god damn rap pinned on me.
INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION
This reporter decided to go undercover. I talked my way into an Eastern Lankville rubber manufacturer and snagged an interview with salesman William Head.
“I want to buy a lot of rubber mulch to put on playgrounds,” I said. “I want the cheapest tires you got. Long as they’re safe. Are they safe?”
“They are,” said Head. I kept staring at his little nametag. “William Head”. Christ, I was having a hard time not laughing. Also, I was high.
“So, there’s no carcinogenic chemicals in there, right?”
Finally, Head admitted that there were a couple of poisons in there but they were so minimal as to pose no risk.
“You’ve got some things that cause cancer, but you’re not going to be sleeping every night on these surfaces,” he said.
“How do you know? Maybe that’s what I had in mind,” I countered. He shut up for a bit then.
NEW FINDINGS NEEDED
Rubber mulch or no rubber mulch, it seems that new findings are needed.
“Of course, we will carefully review all new findings,” said Curry. “Our highest priority is protecting the public. However, we do not plan to commission further studies because we do not view rubber mulch as an issue at this time.”
For now, concerned mothers like Lisa Adiron-Chairs will have to take their kids elsewhere.
“They play in a field now,” she noted. “As long as the government isn’t going to be sure about these tires, they’ll just have to play in a field.”
Zach Keebaugh won a trophy for this report.
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
I was half-drunk and hanging out in an alley behind a closed department store. There was a parade going by out front– bunch of Islanders or something and you could hear occasional cheers and the sound of tubas. Just tubas– no other instruments. It made no sense– none of it.
There was another guy sitting on a crate. He was pitching playing cards into an enamel bowl. I didn’t care for the look of him.
“Thing is, I got this volcanic explosiveness right about here,” he said, gesturing towards his groin. I slowly rose to a squat, just in case he had any ideas. “Sure, I figure on lust earning me a slab in passion’s morgue but what the Christ are you going to do when you got such heat right about here?” His hands made a wide arc around his groin again. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
He reached into his tattered sports jacket and withdrew a giant green bottle of cologne that was shaped like a hammer. Running down the side was the word “POTENT” in gold letters.
“Stole this from the men’s store. You want a splash?”
I got the hell out of there.
Night fell pretty fast and it wasn’t friendly after dark in this town. Bunch of god damn house dicks up and down the business section. Everything was closed up– even the alleys had steel grates drawn across them. I walked away towards the mountains– the last bit of daylight overhead. That’s when I came across the Flamingo.
The office was lit in bright fluorescents and the counterman had a face like an ugly plow horse. He had a little radio on– some announcer was nattering on about berserk hayseeds coming out of the low hills to steal tires off town cars. “They ruined the parade today,” he complained. I didn’t take no notice.
“Boy, we sure as heck don’t have any rooms left buddy,” horse face said. “Doncha’ know there was a big ethnic parade today? A big procession of cultural pride? You shoulda’ called ahead. We don’t offer no guarantees– you either get a room or you don’t get a room. It’s a tough situation…”
“Skip it,” I interrupted. “How’s about if I sit here awhile, see if anyone cancels?”
“Jesus H. Tits, mister. Do whatever you want.”
I waited for about an hour and nobody came in. Then, a young blonde came in and started chatting up horse face. Then, she was going to meet him in the lounge after his shift. Another hour passed and then he dimmed the lobby lights.
“Tell you what, seeing as how Debbie has come down, I won’t be needing my room. You can have it for twenty dollars.”
I lit a cigarette. “I can give you fifteen.”
“Alright, just give me the fifteen and get the hell out of here.” He handed me a key with a greasy plastic fob. “It’s in the motor court, behind the lounge.”
I huffed it back there. There were some girls in the pool and I figured on ogling them a little later through the curtains. They had some beers too outside the fence and I crept up and popped two out of the six pack. They wouldn’t miss ’em none.
I got the lock open and switched on the lights. Unmade beds, filthy green carpeting, a scratchy-looking sofa off to one side. Clothes everywhere. Bunch of instant cameras lying around with the photos popped out the front but not removed. The guy had really gone to town.
I drank the two beers down fast and then smoked three cigarettes, one after the other. There was a teevee but it didn’t get nothing. I opened up the door and stared out at the pool– the girls were still there– they were taking turns jumping off the diving board onto a giant inflatable float that was shaped like an alligator. I couldn’t figure on it.
I walked over to the fence.
“Any of you girls into Lankvillian men?” I said senselessly. Then, I fell over. Everything had hit me all at once.
It was morning when I woke up alone in horse face’s room. No idea how the hell I got there.
Pageant to Give Area Girls a Chance to Shine
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
An area “dream pageant” is giving some local girls a chance to shine.
The pageant, sponsored by Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, will feature folk dances, patriotic displays, choral works and a fire. Refreshments will be served.
“Rather than sponsor, I would prefer to be called “an encourager”,” Royer corrected. “The intent here is to braid pleasure with the abject, spike it with light buffoonery and to entertain, amaze and delight everyone,” added Royer, who was interviewed in the median strip of a busy thoroughfare. “There will be a piano…”
Royer suddenly became distracted by a baby being wheeled by in a stroller. “We don’t have any babies in the show,” he whispered faintly.
Some of the pageant participants include Lankville Daily News contributor Catrin Lloyd-Bollard, Emma Reaves and Caitlin Beeb.
The lovely ladies of the pageant: (L to R): Emma Reaves, Caitlin Beeb, Catrin Lloyd-Bollard. Encourager Royer at back.
“We’re already busy preparing our routines, buying outfits for the pageant, and trying to control the deep waves of panic and otherworldly terror that generally come with living in Lankville,” noted Lloyd-Bollard, who enjoys snow-skiing, the mall and the color purple.
“We hope that this pageant brings people together and also brings awareness of all the ethnics that live out in the desert,” noted Beeb, who is a member of the Mall Fashion Forecast Team and also enjoys water swimming, floral arranging, and yarn.
Royer says that the preliminary competition will begin this summer with the final crowning in October.
“We’re still raising funds,” the enigmatic executive noted. “I’ve personally sold some of my Illuminated Christmas Village pieces– just the ones that I had 10 or 11 examples of and just the ones that were in slightly lesser condition. Nevertheless, we are well on our way.”
To donate to the pageant, one can access the individual digital network station: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/miss-chthonic-star-dream-pageant.
“Do it now,” encouraged Royer, who was still standing mindlessly in the median strip. “Do it before you go outside again. There is no reason not to.”
Lankville Sit-Ins Target Pondicherry
Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville President Pondicherry is the target of a new political ploy: statehouse sit-ins.
Four groups, disappointed at Pondicherry’s alleged lack of action on recent issues, have held sit-ins this week in his modern reception room.
First, it was the Anti-Challenge League, protesting the rise of challenges in Lankville. Next, it was the United Vitiello Decorative Ham Managers, upset with recent debates over raising the minimum wage. Yesterday, it was the Parents of Bumpkins Union, asking for higher staffing in local schools. And today, Lankville Daily News contributor Dr. David Hadbawnik staged a sit-in for gourd awareness.
President Pondicherry is getting mixed reviews.
No group has come away with any major concessions but the parade of protesters continue.
Wanda Barn, one of the President’s receptionists (rated only a 2 of 10 by our staff but who I personally think is banging it out like some sort of smoking angel bomb dropped on the village that is my freak) has a casual attitude about the protesters now.
“It doesn’t even bother me anymore,” she said, sitting at her big desk in the corner of the reception room and filling out that pair of pleated cargo capris like a god damn champ. “Everybody gets their turn.”
Pondicherry usually meets with the groups after they have waited for most of the day. He says he doesn’t encourage sit-ins.
“It’s a phenomenon of our times. The institutions which shape our lives are not as trusted as they were in the past,” the President noted. “I have absolutely no philosophical or political thoughts on why this is– I have not spent very much time thinking about philosophy or politics.”
Once Pondicherry emerges and talks with the protesters, he gets mixed reviews.
“We thought he was a myth,” noted Pam Tucks of the Anti-Challenge League. “But we found out he wasn’t.”
“He gave me no satisfaction whatsoever,” said Hadbawnik. “He wouldn’t even look at my gourds.”
Ms. Barn says that the protesters often leave quite a mess.
“Pamphlets, decorative hams, gourds, some of the bumpkin children have pulled down the floor-to-ceiling drapes– we have the cleaners come in after each sit-in,” Barn noted.
“Where do I get that job?” I joked. “Chance to gape at such pulchritude while cleaning– doesn’t even sound like a job to me,” I added. “Sounds like heaven. Too much space between your lips and mine.” I gyrated lewdly.
Ms. Barn became embarrassed and the interview was ended prematurely.
Further sit-ins are expected tomorrow.
Pizza Success by Brian Schropp
Brian Schropp on Cuisine
Things have been good at my job at ‘The Pizza-A-Round’ for awhile and recently ‘the pizza success’ seems to have kicked into high gear!! The other month I had decided to put some of my ‘culinary talents’ in action and help create some new ideas to help drive sales during ‘off peak times’. Little did I know how much of a success my ‘Mid-Morning Snack Pizza’ concept would be. My manager, Scott was almost glowing as he shared with me some reports spewing out of the noisy dot matrix printer in his pizza sauce stained office. “Jesus Christ, the mid-morning and early afternoon sales have jumped 10% since last month all because of your idea. Sure it’s a hell of a cost making that with all the shit on top but if they are willing to pay $29.95 for the damn thing, then we’ll keep making ’em. You seem to have tapped into the mind of the fat lonely teenager and what they really want from an unhealthy meal.”
The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza for $29.95
Little did Scott know that I was that exact teenager some years ago and maybe, just maybe, if I had these sort of pizza options, things would of been a little brighter and the daily pantsing I received in the locker room wouldn’t of been that bad.
Just like with all of Scott’s “talks” however, the negative eventually outweighs the positive and the hammer soon came down.
“The thing is Bri, sales have dropped a little the past few days. Do you think it has the staying power to last? I’ve seen many a concept pizza come down the road only to start out with promise then end up bankrupting the place.”
I sat down in a chair which wasn’t Scott’s office chair (you NEVER sit in his chair) to think about the situation. After a moment the solution came to me (and like with many of ‘my moments’ I heard the slight chorus of bumpkins). “Hey Scott, why don’t we just give customers the option of switching out the cheeseburgers with chicken sandwiches and then the fries for onion rings? Better yet they could mix and match as they please.”
Scott stood motionless giving me ‘The Scott Look’. Did I say something wrong? Does he have a secret fear of onion rings? Was I going to make it home alive? He walked very slowly over to me, bent down and HUGGED me.
“You’re a genius,” he whispered in my ear. “A freakin’ genius.” He smelled like smoke, whiskey, guns, and what I believe to be loose women.
The new ‘Pizza Eggwich’ which sells for $12.98
My fingers are crossed for my newest creation ‘The Pizza Eggwich’. I had been testing out various prototypes during my lunch breaks (of course paying for my attempts good or bad) and just recently hit upon what I hope is the winning formula. Giving Scott the list of ingredients (he will never try my stuff until it’s on the menu for awhile to make sure it’s safe) he has priced it at $12.98. It was given a test run just yesterday so I was curious about the results.
“You know it’s too early for any results that matter,” Scott reflected. “We did have some guy in here that ordered it and then ran to the restrooms and vomited a shit ton in a trashcan. Turns out the new guy I had on subs, Johnny, forgot to cook the egg at all and just placed it raw on the sub. Needless to say nobody will be hearing from Johnny soon. And I mean, nobody. Anyway, it’s a complicated idea made from a complicated mind so it’s going to take a while for the sandwich makers to get all the steps right. I’m putting high hopes into it and hopefully we will see sales. If this keeps up and the money really starts to come in from your ideas you know what it could mean?”
My eyes lit up, I knew exactly what he was going to say.
“I might look into getting a new managerial sink. Maybe with a plaque on it that says “Brian Schropp- Head Of Cleaning Team.”
I will of course keep you all posted on my new food creations and all the new food places that seem to spring up daily in Lankville. Until then my gentle readers, keep your minds and mouths open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri
On My Webinar and My Summit by Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Kevin Thurston
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
Last Saturday saw the debut of my new webinar, “It’s Alright to Cry”. And this coming Saturday I will be hosting the 1st Annual Men’s Feelings Summit in the back lodge of the Casa Montecristo.
It is a good time to discuss men’s feelings.
Indeed, no time has ever been better. Right now, men want to talk, cry and cower more than ever before. And Dr. Thurston is there for you. And because of the magic of the internet, I can be there for you any time of the day or night (for just $19.99– make sure you enable your cookies).
My webinar makes an important and just statement. It calls for an end to the suppression of men’s feelings. While you watch my webinar, I want you release everything. It may be a few days of frustration or it may be decades upon decades of horror. Let it all out. It’s alright to cry. It is.
A still from my new webinar, “It’s Alright to Cry”.
I recommend following up our private session (I want you to think of the webinar as being created exclusively for YOU) by attending the Summit. Here, you will have the opportunity to meet other men (and women who are friends of men’s feelings) and also to have a look at some of the wonderful items I’ve picked up recently– quilted outdoor pillows (none matching) $19.99 each, ultra high efficiency laundry detergent, $12.99, box of scissors still factory-wrapped, $3.99 each, bunch of great stuff.
So, don’t delay. There is limited space in the back lesser lodge at the Casa Montecristo. But more importantly, there is limited space in your emotional psyche for more pain. Cleanse now, cleanse today with Dr. Kevin Thurston.
Expert in men’s feelings.
This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston.
OPINION: If You Haven’t Been to a Randy Pendleton’s, You Haven’t Eaten
By Randy Pendleton
Randy Pendleton is one of Lankville’s most famous celebrities.
In the last five years or so, you’ve probably noticed a change in the Lankville roadside landscape. You’ve probably seen the twinkling neon lights with my image and name at the top and the refulgent arrows with the words “HEATED POOL”, “RESTAURANT”, “ICE CREAM”, “STEAKS” and “COCKTAILS” below. You’ve probably taken note of the modernist “international style” architecture of my buildings– painted bright orange and brown to reflect “environmental themes” and the patented “Pendleton Acres” which offer ample parking for regular axle vehicles but also buses, trailers and boats. You’ve probably seen my ads in the paper describing our famous tendersweet fried clam plate with Outland Fried Potatoes, gloppy coleslaw and foreign sauces. Or our hamburger specials– the King Size, the Cheese Duke, the Onion Paladin and the Vegetarian Twilight Patty.
So, you’ve seen all we have to offer. The question is: why haven’t you been our guest? Because if you haven’t been to a Randy Pendleton’s, you just simply haven’t eaten.
Randy Pendleton’s: What’s Taking You So Long?
Here’s what notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer had to say about Randy Pendleton’s:
Many afternoons– I’ve rented a room in the motor lodge, enjoyed intercourse with a prearranged sandy-haired lover, dressed in my “eating robe” and then walked over to the restaurant. I like that the menus have photographs. The photographs are deeply colorful– more colorful than in real life, as though they were painted by some unknowable deity. I order nothing but dessert.
A local mother noted:
My kids love Randy Pendleton’s. I like that the menus turn into spellbinding kaleidoscopes. Gives me and Stan [my boyfriend] a little break.
So, there you have it. Glowing reviews of our restaurant from Ric Royer and a divorced Mom.
But Randy Pendleton’s is so much more than just food. We offer modern, clean rooms at affordable prices, decorated in a Western Island style with privacy nature murals that shield your sleeping space from the kitchenette and patented “bathing arena” (where available). We offer fast and efficient room service direct from our restaurants. And every Randy Pendleton’s room has a teevee set (takes quarters). That’s my guarantee.
We have swimming pools, saunas, lounges and massage parlors. Selected Randy Pendleton’s offer small tree trimming classes taught by exotic foreign people! We’ve even got live entertainment– trumpets, pianos, rock music for the younger set! Yes, we’ve got it all!
But you won’t be able to experience what’s it like to be at a Randy Pendleton’s until you try. What’s taking you so long? Stop at a Randy Pendleton’s today.
The opinions of Randy Pendleton are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries although we do admit that we like it a lot.
Barlow Foods Ranks Best in Entire World for Reputation, Poll Says
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Barlow Foods has a better reputation than any company in the entire world, according to a new poll.
The grocery chain tops a list of the 50 most visible companies in the Meulens-LaPoint 19th Annual Reputation Quotient Study. It beat out such giants as Danny Madison Technologies, Grebov Brothers Telescopes and Vitiello Decorative Hams to secure the top spot.
“These figures merely support what we’ve always believed,” said owner and CEO John Barlow. “That we are better than everyone else in the world. Why go through the charade of false modesty? Why even go through the charade of a Quotient Study? Why present me with this Quotient Study trophy?”
Barlow tossed the Quotient Study and the trophy out a nearby open window.
“We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies,” Barlow noted.
We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies.”
The study evaluated data from over 38,000,000 respondents. Perceptions of company products and services, financial performances, workplace safety, social responsibility and emotional appeal were all considered.
Barlow Foods earned a score of 87.6.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.
“A score above 80 is considered excellent,” noted Quotient Study founder and business analyst Cheryl Meulens (rated about a 4 of 10 by this author– 5 of 10 with a better haircut). “It’s an extraordinary accomplishment for Barlow Foods, particularly when you look at the companies that have been legendary for their customer service– like, say, Vitiello Hams. It shows how Barlow Foods has an international reputation as well. I think they have a store in one of the islands somewhere.”
“I like Barlow Foods,” noted local resident Kovin Burry. “I like their frozen pizzas and their yogurt is generally better than the name brands. I like their shampoo. It’s also better than the name brands. The cheeses are good. A small bunch of kale is 2.69, which comes out to almost seven dollars a pound. Sometimes the aisles are congested but I’d still say it’s excellent.”
Burry was later shoved into a windowless van and driven off.
“This changes nothing,” Barlow stated later. “We will continue our mission to the end. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds.”
“We will remain open…forever,” Barlow added after a long pause.
A press conference is expected later today.
Exciting New Scaffolding Takes Shape Outside Hadoobian Hall
Elliott Cumber-Lanny
Connoisseurs of the cable, sommeliers of steel, gourmands of the grommet, take note: an impressive new edifice has gone up outside Lankville State’s venerable Hadoobian Hall. The scaffolding rises some ten stories and, when completed, will provide easy access for visitors seeking alternative ingress to the building. It will also offer an aesthetically pleasing shell to what building administrators admitted was a rather staid and dated brick facade.
The scaffold bounty.
Noted mall architect Mike Squatch waxed nostalgic at the sight of the scaffolding.
“It’s such a classic touch,” he said. “Functional, sure, but forward-thinking as well. Just look at the way it catches the sunlight and breaks up the monotony of the building surface!”
“They don’t make them like that anymore,” he added.
Indeed, according to blueprints shared exclusively with the Lankville News, the scaffolding is of the welded aluminum-alloy type, with base sections in widths of 29-inch or 4-feet, six inches, and spans of eight feet between frames. It features two diagonal braces and one horizontal brace, and allows the placement of intermediate extension and guardrail sections, using individual end frames and braces. The scaffolding also boasts a leveling mechanism for uneven terrain. Provided that alloy couplers are used with the light but sturdy alloy tubing, the scaffolding should be impervious to corrosion, according to experts we consulted.
Prior to erection.
“Eat it, Peterborough Town Hall scaffolding,” said Squatch.
Of the several dozen passersby quizzed by this reporter, almost every single one expressed a tingly sense of amazement and wonder at the sheer beauty and scale of the scaffolding. One person admitted to outright awe.
“I have a morbid fear of exostructures,” said Susie P. Totenhotten, who works in a nearby building. “Anything with exposed framework just freaks me right the hell out.”
Still, Ms. Totenhotten had to admire the impressive vertical thrust of the scaffolding, and allowed that the rods and parts lying around gave her a certain visceral thrill.
“They’re just… sitting there,” she said.
She ran from the edifice, flushed and breathing heavily.
“The bottom line is, Lankville has been waiting for something like this for a long time,” noted Squatch. “With summer coming, you need exciting new architectural attractions – sure, we’ve got The Woods, the Mud Pits, and the roaring chasms of fire at Grand Southern Expansive Cement Grove Mall… but this – this is a game-changer.”
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK