Archive
Vicious Behind Slap Rocks Lankville
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A vicious behind slap has rocked Lankville.
Space video of the vicious behind slapping.
The slap occurred this morning in the kitchen of Ms. Sandy Pfotts, 29, of the Lankville Outer Suburban Region. Ms. Pfotts is currently being treated at Eastern Defoliated Area General Hospital.
Despite an immediate police dragnet thrown over the area, the slapper is currently at large.
“We are in the process of distributing some surveillance photos we have of the assailant,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to respond to the scene. “Wisely, Ms. Potts [sic] had purchased a home security system which takes constant images of every room in her house and sends them to space, I think. We downloaded the images from space.”
Gee-Temple became confused and briefly conferred with a deputy.
“Yes, the images did come from space.”
Ms. Pfotts is expected to fully recover.
“I was just cooking a morning chuck in the oven and I bent over to see if it was fall-apart tender,” noted Ms. Pfotts, who was interviewed en route to the hospital. “This man must have passed quietly into the kitchen and…well, you’ve seen the video from space. You know how it happened.”
“We’ll get him,” Gee-Temple added later. “He’s done this before and he’ll do it again. It won’t be long.”
This Week in Lankville
Kimball J. Cranney
UNMANNED SPACECRAFT LAUNCHED
A tiny, unmanned spacecraft has been launched vaguely in the direction of the last known whereabouts of lost Lankville business magnate and so-called “astronaut” Nick Del Rio.
The L.S.S. Shuttle for Cock took off from Cape Lankville sometime late last night.
“The shuttle is extremely small,” noted NASPA press secretary Gherry Ivy. “It’s windowless and about the size of a coffin and is equipped with no supplies. We don’t really expect that it will make it to wherever the hell that insufferable asshole ended up.”
“He’s probably dead,” said Ivy, an ebullient smile suddenly appearing across his otherwise solemn face. “Probably got burned up by a comet or crushed between two large asteroids, like a pair of giant space tits rumbling together to create cosmic chaos.”
Ivy was removed from the podium by NASPA executives shortly thereafter.
“INNER HAMMER” MURDERS ANOTHER PIZZA DELIVERY MAN
Frozen small pizza magnate Inner Hammer has murdered another pizza delivery man, sources are now reporting. The executive has now killed two such persons in the past week.
Gee-Temple: “I took some of the wings out of the bassinet.”
“I must have some demons I’m not aware of,” said Inner Hammer, who laughed and joked about the incident and tossed around a spongy basketball as the mutilated carcass was removed from his Lankville Heights mansion. “Ah, it’s all in good fun.”
The victim was reported as Talbot Berries, 19, of Outer Lankville Ridge.
“I think that, from a psychological standpoint, it’s all about anxiety,” said the executive, who ordered two pizzas, a bassinet of wings and a large ceramic jug of soda from Suddenly Mama Pizza!, a popular carry-out. “I experience real anxiety because I want the foodstuffs so badly and it comes out as violence. It’s a shame,” added Inner Hammer, who then suddenly dunked the spongy basketball and pranced around, exhibiting extreme bravado.
Mr. Berries, who had been with Suddenly Mama Pizza! for two weeks, was knifed in the neck twelve times.”Everything went well,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who spent ten minutes at the scene. “I took some of the wings out of the bassinet.”
ROYER TO ADOPT “MAGICAL NAME”
Ric Royer: “I am now a master magician…”
Lankville business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he has adopted the “magical name” Frater Perdurabo and that he has been advancing quickly through the ranks of what he called “The Golden Dawn”.
“It was something I was keeping a secret for awhile but I’d like to come clean to Lankville that I have been creating a splinter group of the Golden Dawn that will focus on the impending magical shit holocaust that will occur by 2020. I am now
a master magician and before long will be a full-fledged Prophet of a New Aeon”.
Royer explained that his new magical name means literally “I Will Endure” and that he began his studies under the auspices of the Yoga Premananda, whom he met in 2004 while buying a rubber raincoat. “When he came up to me the raincoat burst spontaneously into flames”, Royer added.
(The interview had to be ended when the uneven legs of Royer’s table caused an extra-large soda to spill in his lap. No one helped Royer and there was an interminable period of deep confusion and darkness).
Planning for Your Retirement: 5 Things You Need to Know by Zach Keebaugh
By Zach Keebaugh
NEWS YOU CAN USE
1. Save as much money as you can.
The sooner you begin saving, the more time your money has to grow. Plus, you’ll be putting money aside (in a bank, with friends, in a hole, whatever) rather than “spending” that money– i.e., giving that money to another “agency” in exchange for services or products.
2. Set realistic goals.
Think about your retirement expenses in terms of what you’ll need to live the way you WANT to live. Be honest about it. My old man, for example. He spends a fortune on those little pebbles that you line gardens with. He’s constantly putting out more and more of those little pebbles. His whole front and side yard is just those pebbles now, man. There isn’t even any grass visible. Just pebbles. Now, I know I won’t need any pebble money. I can cross that off my list. Makes it simple.
3. A Teete-Rozema Bill is the best way to save for retirement.
Mr. Teete-Rozema, creator of the Teete-Rozema Bill.
Contributing money to a Teete-Rozema Bill gives you an immediate tax reduction (you should do your taxes, by the way), deferred growth on your savings and usually a matching deduction from whatever company you work for. This guy Teete-Rozema that created this bill– he’s alright. We reached for the same bag of Flummies at a convenience store once. We were both holding onto the top of the bag, neither letting go, both staring into each other’s eyes with a hatred and a fire that could last a lifetime. It was an intense moment. Then, I was like, “Hey, you’re that Teete-Rozema dude.” He was like, “Yeah, I am” and all.
4. Shift Money Around A Lot
You don’t want to get pinned down. So, move your money around a lot. One bank to another, in and out. I’m talking like every week. Make them think you know something they don’t. Keys them up. This one bank manager, he was like, “Why are you doing this?” He was shaking and he couldn’t look me in the eye. I was like, “My $250 can’t be tied down, that’s all. Maybe it’ll be back, maybe it won’t.” So, this guy was like, “We have some hot/cold packs with the insignia of your local Lingus Nets team behind the counter. Stay, and I’ll give you one.” I thought it over for about an hour but then I went back up and was all like, “Nope, my $250 is riding the wind right now.” I know he thought about that one for weeks.
5. Rent Rooms
Never, and I mean, NEVER rent apartments or buy houses. All you need is a room. Be nice if the room had a kitchen but I wouldn’t take it too far. A house is a terrible investment. The roof is just going to fall off and where will you be then? There’ll just be some guy from the Islands hustling some old boards up there for ten grand. Terrible shot to your nest egg. Rent rooms now for a better life later.
Royer: “I Am the Future of Christmas”
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
Lloyd Byas-Kirk had a chance to sit down with notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness last night.
Royer: “I Am the Future of Christmas”.
LK: First off, I’d like to describe the scene here for our readers.
RR: Everything is coming off well. Everyone is very pleased. I am the future of Christmas.
LK: To begin, it seems as if there are more illuminated porcelain snow villages then before.
RR: Yes. I’ve added the Village Tea Shoppe and the Candy Cauldron as well as some further accessories. Also, take note of the Alpine Village series. These are displayed at higher elevations, especially constructed by master craftsmen. The “Snowdrop Cottage” stands out clearly.
LK: OK. Now, the room is also stuffed to the gills with balloons.
RR: To celebrate the holiday season, yes. Nothing unusual there.
LK: The ceiling and none of the walls are visible.
RR: I can assure you of a construct. Succumb to the mystery.
LK: Anything else?
RR: This is a colorful theatre erupting with buoyancy. I am the future of Christmas. Mind the balloons.
LK: I just noticed that one of the bulbs in the Snowdrop Cottage is burned out.
Royer began screaming in a terrified manner and the interview was ended prematurely.
An Interview with Royer’s Van Mechanic
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
The Lankville Daily News is pleased to present an exclusive interview with business magnate Ric Royer’s van mechanic, Frank Williamsons.
Frank Williamsons: “I don’t know how they’re still driving the damn thing”.
DO: Tell us about the condition of the van.
FW: It’s not good. The first time I checked the viscosity of the…
DO(interrupting): That’s boring. Move forward please.
FW: Anyways, I get instructions once every couple of days by phone. Mr. Royer’s voice is always distant– I think he takes great pains to stand really far away from the receiver.
DO: What were some of your recent instructions?
FW: Remove all the oil. Don’t put any new oil in. Then, a few days later, he wanted all the anti-freeze removed. Then, he wanted the tires partially deflated. I don’t know how the hell they’re still driving the damn thing.
DO: What else?
FW: He asked to have the speedometer removed and replaced with a picture of a cat.
DO: What about the lights?
FW: Oh, he had a bunch of extra colored lights put in all over the place. Senseless really. They don’t do nothing. I just don’t see how they’re still driving the damn thing.
Oakes could think of no further questions and a light breeze picked up and pleasantly kissed the faces of all involved.
My Collection of 1982 First Generation Richard and the Postman Peachback Action Figures is Second to No One
By John Chubbucks
My collection of 1982 Richard and the Postman mint-in-box action figures is second to no one.
First off, my set is first generation. Second, they’re peachbacks. Third, they’re complete at 48 figures. Some people will try to tell you that the set is complete at 47. I’ve had to make a lot of people look stupid over the years. That’s because they forget about figure 48– “The Pantry Vampire”, which was only available by mail. One guy, just to try to make up for his ignorance, said, “Well, your copy of “The Pantry Vampire” is not mint-in-box.” Yeah, he actually said that. Then, he said, “The peachback card is not flat with bright colors and has obviously lost some of its original sheen.” If it hadn’t been for the degenerative nerve disease in my hands, I would have hit the guy. I really would have. Later, when a noted expert in the field judged my copy at C10 (mint), I was proven the victor.
Let me tell you something else about my set. They’re in the original boxes, like I mentioned. NOT ONE of the boxes is punched. The punch-hole is intact, perfect and has its original sheen. This is the pinnacle of mintness. There’s another guy down in the Southern Pond Area, that has 45 unpunched cards. I happen to loathe this guy but that’s not the point here. The point is that 45 isn’t 48. It’s not perfect. He’ll never be something that he’s not. He knows that.
Mrs. Pinshears figure from the 1982 set. Mr. Chubbucks would not allow his copy to be photographed, so the example shown is from a lesser collection.
Right now, I have a limited edition Price Guide to the Richard and the Postman 1982 Peachbacks available. There’s all you’ll ever need to know in here– 32 pages, side-stapled quarto. A “variant” edition is available with an extra four pages of color photographs (not from my collection, mind you but from lesser collections). I do not allow my collection to be photographed.
You can pay by check by sending $39.99 ($49.99 for the “special edition”) to John Chubbucks, c/o Linda Chubbucks, 268 Spoons Road, Eastern Lankville or by PayBuddy at chubbucksstickergod.spummail.net. Make checks out to CASH.
You’ll never need another resource.
Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen Begins Tonight
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Dr. Rubby, who created Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen.
Nothing says the holidays in Lankville like Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen. The long-running pageant will return tonight in select locations across the country. Opening ceremonies are marked for 7PM.
“Everyone is glad when Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen returns,” said a local resident, who later developed severe mental problems and had to be placed in a cage. “You really know that Christmas is about here when Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen comes back!”
A series of patriotic pageants will kick-off the event, now in its 47th year. Dr. Rubby himself, now 78, will speak at the Lankville Pines event.
“It’s great to be able to bring my festival of illuminated snowmen back to Lankville for everyone to see,” noted Dr. Rubby, who began placing illuminated snowmen in fields in 1967. “As always, my festival of illuminated snowmen will be bigger, thicker and better this year. It’s always growing, always expanding, always widening its girth,” Dr. Rubby added.
Over 7 million people attend Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen annually and the event routinely nets over $150 billion.
One of the snowmen from Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen.
“We’re expecting a great crowd for Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen,” noted an event spokesman, who refused to be identified and was later forced to eat a large seat cushion at gunpoint. “Everyone in Lankville loves Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen and it’s an integral part of the holiday season.”
For more information on Dr. Rubby’s Festival of Illuminated Snowmen, a series of hotlines have been established. Call 5-2671 (Eastern), 5-3311 (Western), 5-1618 (Desert).
WE ARE LANKVILLE
Royer Purchases Van
By Dick Oakes, Jr.
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Incarcerated Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has purchased a van, sources are now reporting.
“It’s from 1999,” stated the executive, who was interviewed in the game room of the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness. “It has seats. Some of the seats fold downward so that one might imagine a bed. There is a TV set. It’s glorious.”
Royer then paused to thrust forward a Lingus Net sack. He was repelled by a fellow inmate.
“He is a skilled opponent. The best I’ve faced thus far,” noted the executive.
Royer then produced several photos of his new acquisition.
Royer’s new van that has everyone talking.
“You’ll note that the TV set plays films. The blue and white colors of the exterior are bold but rational. There are little spaces where you can put your legs. There is a plastic box where diverse items can be deposited. They thought of everything, really.”
Royer deflected questions about the van’s reliability.
“I specifically instructed my handlers not to open the hood. I don’t want to know anything at all about the hood. And I don’t want anyone else to know.”
The executive suddenly wandered off and the interview was ended prematurely.
Meet the Reporters of the Lankville Daily News
By Captain Marles Cundiff, Editor
I grew up on a farm outside of Lankville. Dad grew corns [sic] and Mom used to fashion up these homemade balloons that she took up to the road and sold out of a donkey cart. The whole thing smacked of senselessness.
We didn’t have any news in our town but I listened to the crackly, faraway broadcasts of news from distant provinces. I got to where I could write little articles for The Farm Gazette and they would pay me in bananas. That smacked of senselessness too. Dad would say in his quiet but intense way, “Marles, we don’t need any more bananas. It’s getting to be where these bananas are a terrible, terrible burden. If you don’t stop bringing in all these bananas Marles, we’re just gonna’ go under– the whole family. We’re just gonna’ god damn lose everything if you don’t quit selling articles for bananas.”
So, after awhile, I took that as a hint to head for the city.
And the rest is history, I guess.
Captain Marles Cundiff has been a reporter and editor for The Lankville Daily News since 1972. He is also a captain in the Lankville Probity Auxiliary.
Gone are the Thanksgiving Hams Says Local Worker: Weepy Stories of the Holiday
By Brock Belvedere
WEEPY STORIES OF THE HOLIDAY
Sherman Fenanigans is a thin, wiry man who looks every one of his 58 years. He sports unfashionable aviator glasses, repaired many times with tape and a faded grey uniform that has been brushed so often that the bare fibers are now visible. His paper hat is dented and creased.
Sherman has been in charge of cakes at the Barlow Foods Lankville Heights location for 32 years. “I don’t bake the cakes,” he is quick to clarify. “My authority kicks in once the cakes have been removed from the oven but before they have been placed in the cardboard containers.”
He has a family of eight to support. The holidays are a particularly difficult time. And they have been made more difficult since Barlow Foods, a multi-billion dollar corporation, did away with holiday bonuses.
“It’s been about five years since they did that,” said Fenanigans, who was interviewed while watching carefully over the display case of cakes as the brisk mid-morning crowd passed by. “We used to count on that.”
“Tell us about that?” we probed.
Fenanigans at work. He has just dropped a cake into some vegetables.
“Well, for the first 10 years, they gave us a Christmas turkey. Every year. Then, they said they couldn’t do it anymore, so they gave us Thanksgiving hams. That went on for about five years. Then, they said they couldn’t get the hams anymore but that they’d give us $10 and we could buy our own hams. That went on for another two, maybe three years. Then, they stopped giving us the $10.”
Fenanigans paused to let the weight of the sad tale sink in. It didn’t. I was genuinely flummoxed by his statement.
“What happened to the hams?” I asked.
“As I said, they stopped buying them for us.”
I still was vastly confused.
“Well, I mean, what happened to the hams they were supposed to buy for you?” I probed.
He looked at me. “What do you mean, what happened to ’em? They didn’t buy ’em.”
That’s when the picture started to become clear.
“Oh, I see. So, someone else bought them.”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” he said. “I have no idea.”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
I wanted to understand further. “So, it freed up hams that just went back into the general pool of available public hams?”
“Yeah, basically. And, so now we still have ham for Thanksgiving but it takes away money we could have spent on additional side dishes.”
He broke down then. He had to take a moment to collect himself. He handed his paper hat to me and asked me to mind the cake case. I did the best I could but I became so overwhelmed that I basically gave away all the cakes and made all kinds of additional wild promises. A manager had to be called.
Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow consented to a brief meeting. I explained Fenanigans’ predicament.
“The policies of giving away holiday meats were no longer viable,” he noted, calling attention to several spreadsheets with interior flip-up tables on a computer screen. “The resources were no longer there. It’s a different time now then when Mr. Renanigans [sic] was originally hired.”
But for many Barlow Foods employees, that means a skimpier holiday table.
“We’ve had to cut back on things like cranberry sauce, corn, chocolate loafs,” noted Fenanigans. “You just have to learn to let certain traditions die. But it’s difficult.”
Lankville Daily News Guide to Picking the Perfect Thanksgiving Day Outfit
By Ric Royer
HOLIDAY NEWS YOU CAN USE
Begin by understanding your Thanksgiving location beforehand. If you have never been there before, it will be important to case the house weeks in advance. Affect the persona of a gas and electric official, a salesman of tents, or one of those guys that solicits donations for pandas in order to have a better look. Pay close attention to doors and windows.
Avoid buying your outfit anywhere but at a large, suburban shopping mall. I generally skip the “poor” area of the mall and go straight for the luxury wing. Be sure to stop at the food court first though and loudly consume a meal rich with proteins. Be sure that at least one item you have ordered is a similar repeatable shape (you’ll see why). Complete your repast with a Cinnamon Buns. Order it “to go” and make sure the server gives you a wide basin (don’t them let tell you differently– THEY DO HAVE THEM). This way, you can rip the Cinnamon Buns apart as you walk along and let the errant pieces drop into the wide basin. Sometimes, it’s best to order two or three.
You may at first be tempted to simply purchase one of the many shirts that says “Thanksgiving” across its front– don’t be fooled. This is merely a ploy by certain retailers to sell more shirts. Ignore it. If you have the means, reach into the display case and knock over the mannequins. “I’M TEACHING YOU A LESSON,” you should say as you do this. You might save this act for last, however. Move onto the luxury retailer of your choice. Pick out a paisley blazer, red pants and some high socks that reach above the knee. Shove them onto the counter and turn your head away as though the last thing in the world you are interested in is buying these wretched rags (this often teaches the stores another lesson worth learning).
You will now want to leave the mall completely and head over to your nearest home improvement store– I recommend Home Dump. They have many locations, are severely understaffed, and easy to steal from. Pick out a bucket, a link of chain suitable to wear around the neck, a bundle of cedar wood shingles and several elongated lighters. You can hide a lot of these items in the bottom of the bucket– just throw your jacket on top! Often, they even forget to charge you for the bucket! Pay only for the shingles and the lighters.
Hopefully, by now, you will have a sense of where you be spending the big day. I want you to have a window selected– know that window. Does it push open in an inward manner (see photo)? Does it need to be thrown upward? Will it have to simply be busted through completely? Whatever the case, have your friend or lover drape a heavy canvas throw tarp directly beneath the window (so, you’ll need to go back to Home Dump and get one of those– I forgot before). Put on the chain and the red pants and keep the blazer handy in case it’s chilly.
And now, when you’re ready to greet your family, your friend’s family or your lover’s family, you come bursting through the window with one of the shingles in your hand (the shingle should be on fire). I often find it useful to have my face painted as well and to be crying but that’s your choice.
You won’t come up short with this method. Everyone will have a wonderful time.
Ric Royer is a prominent Lankville businessman. He currently lives in the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness mental institution.
Movement to Remember the Bumpkins? Schropp Ruins Local Man
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
A small movement is picking up steam in Lankville to remember the bumpkins taken off by the wind three weeks ago, sources are confirming.
“I think a small statue or an obelisk would be appropriate,” noted movement leader Lloyd Byas-Kirk. “Even a nicely-engraved plaque which could be affixed to a large stone at the site of their abduction.”
Authorities have not responded to phone calls.
SCHROPP RUINS LOCAL MAN?
Cuisine
As I reported last week, Kirby Lomax, owner of the Huntington Road Deli, decided to grab a piece of the fresh frozen breakfast sandwich craze and started carrying them in his deli. As I had to meet with the family lawyer (over a certain trash incident that I’m not allowed to write about) I had been unable to get over to the deli to see how Kirby was doing.
By Brian Schropp
So early this morning I took a walk down and planned on standing in the long line of eager morning commuters to try one. But to my shock I found Kirby sitting outside the deli on the curb. He was crying while two men in spiffy business suits were locking the door.
I sat down beside him on the curb “Say, Kirby, what’s going on?”
He looked over at me with tears streaming out of his eyes. “I went bankrupt Bri. It happened so fast, those men are from the bank.”
I was so stunned that I was not sure what to say. After sobbing a bit more he continued.
“Fresh frozen! What was I thinking!! Why didn’t I just serve them fresh to the customers in the morning?! People don’t have time to reheat sandwiches on their way to work. And all that expense I had to invest in fresh ingredients. It added up so quickly– that was the straw that broke the camel’s back!! I even looked up Fresh Frozen on the computer, I couldn’t find anything about it being a trend!! Now I’m out of business. Guess it’s back to the children’s linoleum trade for me”
Ruined man Kirby Lomax. Shortly after his meeting with Schropp, Lomax fell down some steps while carrying a box of shiny tinsel. No explanation has yet been offered.
He put his head down and cried like a little baby. I knew now wasn’t the time to tell him that some food trends are so hot, you won’t find them written about anywhere. I gave Kirby a hug. I felt bad for him, he was a good man (unlike a certain person I know who this paper wants to defend. I’m sorry, Hank Cameron is a JERK). But as I was walking back home I couldn’t help but wonder– what if I was able to make it down sooner- could I have helped?
Maybe it wasn’t the fresh frozen process but the breakfast sandwich itself. Maybe the “B-E-C-TB (bacon, egg, cheese, tender biscuit) equation was not correct. Something that seems simple but is one of the hardest things for a culinary expert to achieve.
Well, I wish Mr. Lomax the best in his future endeavors. Until next time keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas.
Happy Eating,
BRI
News in Brief
By Kimball J. Cranney
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
BUS CRYING
Bus Crying: LANKVILLE’S SLEEPING GIANT???
A high incidence of bus crying has been reported this week.
“We have a number of adolescents, looking longingly out bus windows, sobbing,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who responded to several concerned phone calls. “We are not taking it particularly seriously and no rubric has been issued. We believe it will pass quickly.”
“Time heals all things,” the intrepid detective added, after a long silence.
BABY, HORSE HAVE TEA!
Who says horses aren’t sophisticated?
It was teatime for this baby and this horse!
A baby and a horse had evening tea in the coastal town of Small Beaches yesterday afternoon. The horse– “Sergeant Hooves”, is reported to have behaved like a perfect gentleman!
The baby could not be identified. The tea set later vanished.
RANDY PENDLETON TO SPEAK HERE
Pendleton to speak.
Randy Pendleton will speak here, it was announced today.
“Randy will be speaking. It should be for about an hour. We are very excited,” said event co-planner Florence Littlejohn (about a 6/10, 7/10 in a dress).
Pendleton is expected to stay here for the evening and depart the following morning. His speech is expected to cover a wide range of topics.
An Interview with Weatherman Jack Quintz
By Gump Tibbs
Gump Tibbs recently had a chance to sit down with Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.
Lankville Daily News meteorologist Jack Quintz.
GT: You have that little area in the paper where you report on the weather?
JQ: Yeah, I’ve been doing it for years. It’s fine.
GT: Fascinating. Do you like the weather?
JQ: It’s fine. It’s alright.
GT: Do you feel like you have some special insight on the weather?
JQ: We have these radar maps. It requires slight interpretation. It’s alright.
GT: What about when weather is insane and spooky?
JQ: The weather can be unpredictable.
GT: Like when your cousin took your gun and killed all those people?
JQ: What?
GT: Alright. Great. I’ll look for your column next time.
The interview suddenly ended.
Guy Really Going to Town on Smoothie
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The guy that kicked the smoothie’s ass.
A local Lankville man is really going to town on a smoothie, sources are confirming.
“He’s wolfing it down like a motherfucker!” said impressed Smoothie Monarch employee Jarred Heaths of Inner Lankville Suburban Heights. “He went over in that corner by the window and you could tell that that was the end of that smoothie. It was a god damn rout, is what it was.”
“He pretty much said “checkmate” to that smoothie before it ever had a chance,” said a fellow customer who refused to be identified.
The man, who has yet to be identified himself, later thanked onlookers for their kind words in a short, previously-prepared speech.
“I’m glad that my overwhelming triumph brought a little bit of added sunshine to everyone’s morning,” he said, as he looked down at the empty smoothie glass, which lay overturned and broken on the table, a spent reminder of its former glory. “You vanquish, you look down over your opponent with respect and then you endure.”
The mysterious figure took a moment to shake hands and sign a few autographs before heading outside to his car.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK