Jeepers Creepers, When Did He Get Mr. Peepers?: Pondicherry Has New Dog

May 20, 2015 Leave a comment
By Buck Igloos

By Buck Igloos

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

There’s a new tenant at the Presidential Palace these days. President Pondicherry announced today that he has acquired a new dog.

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

President Pondicherry has a new dog!

“His name is Mr. Peepers,” the chief executive noted. “He’s yellow.”

Pondicherry has already distributed numerous photos of the “First Dog” and has asked Lankvillians to send him their thoughts on Mr. Peepers.

“Tell me what you think about him. Send him beautiful roses. Be poetic. If I like your response, who knows? Perhaps I’ll appear in your stairwell,” noted Pondicherry, in an online post.

Mr. Peepers is Pondicherry’s third dog since becoming President.

“The other two were also called Mr. Peepers. It’s a favorite name of mine,” he stated. “I am really blessed to lead our country during a period of great consequence.”

Pondicherry refused to answer further questions and ended the press conference early.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , , ,

I Want to Tell You About How My New Boyfriend Gave Me His Class Ring

May 20, 2015 Leave a comment
Ashley large

By Ashley Pfeiffers

opinions

I want to tell you SO MUCH about how my new boyfriend just gave me his class ring!

We were playing Fire Quasars in his parent’s basement. Every once in awhile, my new boyfriend would pause the game and he would say, “Ash, I’m on fire. For you.” I JUST ABOUT DIED. Plus, we had just had some giant shakes and I got so nervous that I knocked mine over on the carpet and then, when I was trying to clean it up, I kept stepping in it and then I accidentally fell forward with what was left of the shake into my new boyfriend’s guitar. I thought I was going to cry.

“It’s okay, Ash,” my new boyfriend said. “What are a few lost shakes compared to a few lost kisses?”

We made out for awhile. Then my new boyfriend said, “Now, watch me gank these quasars”.

We have SO MUCH in common!

Later, we went in his backyard and sat on the air-conditioning system.

“Feel that warm air, Ash?” my new boyfriend said. “Yes,” I said– I was practically shaking. But he didn’t say anything else.

And then, all of the sudden, he got down on one knee and gave me his class ring! OH MY GOD– I started crying and then I thought I was going to pass out. I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.

“We can go down to the mall and get a necklace for it,” he said, after I had accepted. I tried it on though and it ended up fitting perfectly! “You have such delicate fingers,” I said. He got a weird look on his face but he kissed me anyway. We are so in love!

Then, we went for a slice at the Pizza-A-Round. We were shown to a table by this weird guy who was soaking wet and, somehow, slightly on fire.

“There’s that goof again, Ash,” my new boyfriend said, once we were seated. “I can’t believe that goof. He probably doesn’t even have a class ring.”

“I have yours,” I reminded him.

We made out across the table. I knocked over a vase and some water spilled onto the floor.

We are soul mates.

The opinions of Ashley Pfeiffers are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

Categories: Opinions Tags: , ,

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

May 20, 2015 Leave a comment
Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Yesterday I had yet another appointment with my therapist, Dr. Nickelbee. My parents have been making me go more and more often because he is offering them such cheap rates. I have tried to tell them about some of the more uncomfortable things he does during our sessions but they say I’m just doing my usual ‘over exaggerating’.

So there I was on his small therapist couch smelling the flavor of his gum (because he was WAY too close) and enduring the rubbing of my leg like I was some prized pet.

“Bri, you have made such progress in the little time we have been together. Your tortured soul is like a multi-layered taco dip with us taking each layer carefully, putting it on our mouths and tasting what needs to be fixed.”

I felt like we had made zero progress; I was also slightly embarrassed when my stomach rumbled at the mention of the taco dip.

​Eddie, former owner of 'Eddie's Sub Shack' now trying something more upscale.

​Eddie, former owner of ‘Eddie’s Sub Shack’ now trying something more upscale.

“Your food articles are helping you open up more which in turn is getting us to more layers of the dip, the deep down dark good bits, the stuff I really want to hear about (he squeezed my knee really hard). We just have one problem, I feel like you are limiting yourself in what you are willing to try and write about in your articles. It’s all fun and cute writing about some greasy pizza stuff or unhealthy breakfast sandwiches but you need to try penning more complicated and refined taste profiles.”

I tried to assure him I knew all about complicated taste profiles, he just needed to try a ‘Pizza Eggwich’ if there was any doubt. This just made him squeeze my knee even harder.

“Stop being so defensive big guy. I have booked us a table at a restaurant called “Eddie’s”. I hear from all my other therapist friends that this is a true cutting edge culinary establishment, a little more ‘upscale’ shall we say. Looking at a menu on-line the prices are expensive which means it must be good.”

I doubted he had any therapist friends or any friends in general. The last thing I wanted to do was spend more time with him. I tried using the excuse that I didn’t have any money to help pay for this expensive meal.

“Don’t worry, I told your folks all about this brilliant idea of mine so they will be talking with your manager, Scott at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ about you picking up some extra shifts to cover the expenses.”

After much eye rolling we were off and went in Dr. Nicklebee’s “wonderful, progressive and good for the environment” electric car. I thought it was just small and cramped which only continued his need to keep putting his hand on my leg. Luckily the ride didn’t last long because the car started to slow down after about a block then die completely a few minutes after that.( I guess the battery only keeps a charge for so long.)

So we were walking it the rest of the way with me secretly hoping no one would recognize me with this fool (we were only a few blocks away now from my home in Deep Northern Suburban Lankville). As we neared the shopping center it dawned on me where we might be going.

“There used to be a place called ‘Eddie’s Sub Shack’ in here. It wasn’t upscale at all in fact it got closed because of health violations. I thought the food wasn’t too bad but most people did. I think the only reason he had customers was he accepted Lankville food stamps. Oh, he also didn’t wear a shirt and usually wore a woman’s bra, that freaked people out.”

Dr. Nickelbee just shook his head and thought I was making up more ‘stories’. I was proven right when we walked into ‘Eddie’s’ and were greeted by the man himself.

“Hey Bri.”

“Hey Eddie.”

Dr. Nickelbee looked around and was clearly not impressed with the establishment. To me it was the same old restaurant filled with green plastic tables and chairs. The only difference I could make out were the floors being slightly more clean and the tables had little vases on them with flowers (many of the flowers were old and dying).

“This-this is the ‘Eddie’s’ I saw on-line? The one which said it was upscale and the food was expensive?”
Eddie nodded “Yes. Food here is very upscale and very expensive. Good-good, fancy like.”

The maple chicken.

The maple chicken.

We were shown to our table and given some menus. Again, Dr. Nickelbee wasn’t very impressed with the sticky one-sided menu written in marker but I looked past that at some of the amazing featured items. I wanted to try the ‘hotdog and scrapple potpie delight’ and the ‘deviled eggs in a mysterious cream sauce casserole’. Of course Dr. Nickelbee countered, “remember why we are here Bri, to try things out of your comfort zone. I don’t mean to put you down but I am the professional here.”

So he talked over me when Eddie came back and ordered the ‘maple chicken’ and the ‘fancy pasta with pork and quiche’. He would of course pick out the two most boring sounding items on the menu. While we waited for the food he babbled on about how I should learn ‘real food culture’, I tuned him out and turned my thoughts to the food that was coming. Once served (it did take a while, good food does) you can guess who wasn’t head over heels for it.

“What is this crap?!!! It looks like chicken nuggets over some maple syrup with a waffle thrown in!”

“Good-good. Real fancy like.” Eddie replied before walking away.

I stuck to my motto which I knew in my heart-‘keep your mouth and mind open to new ideas’. “Really this isn’t too bad. They’re using my favorite maple syrup from the store, I use it on my breakfast burritos all the time. They could of nuked the chicken nuggets a bit longer that’s my only real complaint.”

Dr. Nickelbee started to go on about how this wasn’t what he had in mind but I wasn’t listening. My eyes glazed over and I heard the faint chorus of bumpkins. I reached for my ‘little notebook of ideas’ I carry in my back pocket, inspiration had struck.

“What are you doing?!! You’re suppose to be listening to me!!”

After a few moments of writing I looked him dead in the eye– “Pizza Waffles. Just gotta find a way to connect both together—ham or Northern Lankville bacon? Syrup or not? Gotta do some experimenting at work…”

My dining companion was getting more irate. I began to question if he was maybe a little bit jealous of my creative ideas. Or even if his continued put-downs of my taste profile were just a cover of not having his own.

The real poop hit the ceiling fan (sorry Mom for that expression but I did witness that happen in this very establishment a few years back) when the next course came out.

“LANKVILLE O’S!!!! YOUR FANCY PASTA IS JUST CANNED LANKVILLE O’S!!” Dr. Nickelbee screamed.

A little side note in case you didn’t know- Lankville is known all over the world for the ‘Lankville O’s’. We were the first to mass produce little tiny pasta put in an ‘o’ shape and then canned in tomato sauce. Many have tried to make their own version and there even been wars. I can proudly say I think we still make the finest and also proud that we have a processing plant right here in the heart of Deep Northern Suburban Lankville which employs 60% of the lesser local population.

“Dr. Nickelbee please calm down,” I countered. “You don’t want to upset people by putting down ‘Lankville O’s’. It can turn ugly fast.”

​Fancy pasta with pork and quiche.

​Fancy pasta with pork and quiche.

His face was turning bright red. “BUT IT’S CHEAP PASTA–JUST LIKE YOU–I BET YOU WERE CALLED ‘CHEAP PASTA’ IN SCHOOL–YOU DISGUST ME SWIRLING THAT SAUSAGE IN THAT CHEAP TOMATO SAUCE—”

Turns out mixing some of the ham (loose meat) and sausage on the plate with the tomato sauce from the ‘Lankville O’s’ wasn’t so bad. I’m sure if we had a way at the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ of coming up with a sauce which was half as good we could make something that would put us over the edge of our rivals.

I was brought back to reality with Dr. Nicklebee screaming “I HATE YOU-I HATE YOU” over and over again and running out the front door. I was glad there was only a handful of people dining at the time– an older couple sharing a plate of ‘deviled eggs in a mysterious cream sauce casserole’ (later on they would tell me it was pretty good) and a homeless man sleeping at a table in the far corner (I guess you technically can’t count that as dining).

Eddie came over and I related the whole story to him. He was nice enough to charge me for just one of the meals ($24.95) and we agreed that if I didn’t touch the quiche (which looked gross anyway) he could serve it to someone else. Luck was also on my side since I wasn’t too far from home after such a fulfilling meal. Thanks again Eddie (and by the way nice bra today).

Now I’m sure the question on your mind is will my parents make me stop seeing Dr. Nickelbee after seeing this article? I will keep you informed my gentle readers. Until next time please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas. Happy eating-Bri

Categories: Cuisine by Brian Schropp Tags: , , ,

Is Rubber Mulch Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation

May 19, 2015 Leave a comment
By Zachary Keebaugh

By Zachary Keebaugh

The public playground in the Central Lankville Showy Suburban Area has everything a kid could want. You got swings, a helicopter, some ropes, a little barn. But it’s got something else too. A surface made of rubber mulch. That’s right– rubber mulch.

IS IT SAFE?

Van Griese, a local contractor, laid the rubber mulch himself. “It’s the latest in safety surfacing,” he told me, as we walked slowly together by a lake. “You got shredded rubber from old tires and when the kiddies fall over, it’s more pillowy than say, some mulch or some rocks, god forbid.”

I stopped him.

“Is it safe?” I probed.

“Of course, it’s safe. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Don’t know, man. I heard there might be some chemicals in there, some shit that gets all whacked when it gets hot. Vapors, man. Volatile substances.”

Griese just stared at me. He was clearly unnerved.

ARE KIDS EATING THE SHIT?

Fun Playground....or HELL?

Fun Playground….or HELL?

Lisa Adiron-Chairs is a mother of two. “I really struggled to keep my daughter from putting the tire crumbs in her mouth. Plus, they would come back from the park just covered in black. Skin, clothes, everything. I just thought, this can’t be healthy.”

“Yo, it’s just cut-up tires. So what if they eat a few tires over the course of a lifetime? You don’t even want to know the shit I’ve eaten,” I remarked.

“But we know they put chemicals in tires. We have to take responsibility as parents to limit the health risks. We need more information.”

MIXED MESSAGES FROM PONDICHERRY

The Lankville government, however, is sending parents mixed messages about this rubber mulch junk.

“We have done several dozen studies and found no negative health risks,” noted government toxicologist Lando Curry.

“Don’t give me that weak-ass shit,” I countered. “Your studies are limited and insufficient to establish conclusively that rubber mulch surfaces are safe.”

“Look, the Agency for Lankville Woods and Copses acknowledges that more studies need to be made but all of our product safety agencies recommend and promote rubber mulch. And the Lankville Playground Layout Subcommittee wholeheartedly endorses rubber mulch– why, we even have a rubber mulch playground at the Presidential Palace.”

“Sounds like you got a lot of important committees. Be a shame if anything happened to any of them,” I noted, trying to sound as gangster as possible.

“Are you threatening the government?” Curry countered.

I backed down right away. I don’t want to get that god damn rap pinned on me.

INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION

This reporter decided to go undercover. I talked my way into an Eastern Lankville rubber manufacturer and snagged an interview with salesman William Head.

“I want to buy a lot of rubber mulch to put on playgrounds,” I said. “I want the cheapest tires you got. Long as they’re safe. Are they safe?”

“They are,” said Head. I kept staring at his little nametag. “William Head”. Christ, I was having a hard time not laughing. Also, I was high.

“So, there’s no carcinogenic chemicals in there, right?”

Finally, Head admitted that there were a couple of poisons in there but they were so minimal as to pose no risk.

“You’ve got some things that cause cancer, but you’re not going to be sleeping every night on these surfaces,” he said.

“How do you know? Maybe that’s what I had in mind,” I countered. He shut up for a bit then.

NEW FINDINGS NEEDED

Rubber mulch or no rubber mulch, it seems that new findings are needed.

“Of course, we will carefully review all new findings,” said Curry. “Our highest priority is protecting the public. However, we do not plan to commission further studies because we do not view rubber mulch as an issue at this time.”

For now, concerned mothers like Lisa Adiron-Chairs will have to take their kids elsewhere.

“They play in a field now,” she noted. “As long as the government isn’t going to be sure about these tires, they’ll just have to play in a field.”

Zach Keebaugh won a trophy for this report.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES!, Zach Keebaugh Investigations Tags: , ,

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

May 19, 2015 Leave a comment
Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

I was half-drunk and hanging out in an alley behind a closed department store. There was a parade going by out front– bunch of Islanders or something and you could hear occasional cheers and the sound of tubas. Just tubas– no other instruments. It made no sense– none of it.

There was another guy sitting on a crate. He was pitching playing cards into an enamel bowl. I didn’t care for the look of him.

“Thing is, I got this volcanic explosiveness right about here,” he said, gesturing towards his groin. I slowly rose to a squat, just in case he had any ideas. “Sure, I figure on lust earning me a slab in passion’s morgue but what the Christ are you going to do when you got such heat right about here?” His hands made a wide arc around his groin again. I couldn’t figure on any of it.

He reached into his tattered sports jacket and withdrew a giant green bottle of cologne that was shaped like a hammer. Running down the side was the word “POTENT” in gold letters.

“Stole this from the men’s store. You want a splash?”

I got the hell out of there.

Night fell pretty fast and it wasn’t friendly after dark in this town. Bunch of god damn house dicks up and down the business section. Everything was closed up– even the alleys had steel grates drawn across them. I walked away towards the mountains– the last bit of daylight overhead. That’s when I came across the Flamingo.

The office was lit in bright fluorescents and the counterman had a face like an ugly plow horse. He had a little radio on– some announcer was nattering on about berserk hayseeds coming out of the low hills to steal tires off town cars. “They ruined the parade today,” he complained. I didn’t take no notice.

“Boy, we sure as heck don’t have any rooms left buddy,” horse face said. “Doncha’ know there was a big ethnic parade today? A big procession of cultural pride? You shoulda’ called ahead. We don’t offer no guarantees– you either get a room or you don’t get a room. It’s a tough situation…”$_57

“Skip it,” I interrupted. “How’s about if I sit here awhile, see if anyone cancels?”

“Jesus H. Tits, mister. Do whatever you want.”

I waited for about an hour and nobody came in. Then, a young blonde came in and started chatting up horse face. Then, she was going to meet him in the lounge after his shift. Another hour passed and then he dimmed the lobby lights.

“Tell you what, seeing as how Debbie has come down, I won’t be needing my room. You can have it for twenty dollars.”

I lit a cigarette. “I can give you fifteen.”

“Alright, just give me the fifteen and get the hell out of here.” He handed me a key with a greasy plastic fob. “It’s in the motor court, behind the lounge.”

I huffed it back there. There were some girls in the pool and I figured on ogling them a little later through the curtains. They had some beers too outside the fence and I crept up and popped two out of the six pack. They wouldn’t miss ’em none.

I got the lock open and switched on the lights. Unmade beds, filthy green carpeting, a scratchy-looking sofa off to one side. Clothes everywhere. Bunch of instant cameras lying around with the photos popped out the front but not removed. The guy had really gone to town.

I drank the two beers down fast and then smoked three cigarettes, one after the other. There was a teevee but it didn’t get nothing. I opened up the door and stared out at the pool– the girls were still there– they were taking turns jumping off the diving board onto a giant inflatable float that was shaped like an alligator. I couldn’t figure on it.

I walked over to the fence.

“Any of you girls into Lankvillian men?” I said senselessly. Then, I fell over. Everything had hit me all at once.

It was morning when I woke up alone in horse face’s room. No idea how the hell I got there.

Categories: Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. Tags: , ,

Shake Brought

May 13, 2015 Leave a comment
By Dennis Updatables

By Dennis Updatables

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

A shake was brought, sources are confirming.

“Yes, the lady brought my shake,” said Miranda Jennifers, age 11. “I…well, we…”

“We’re just having a leisurely lunch here at Mr. Snack,” interjected Cindy Jennifers, Miranda’s mom. “Just taking it easy with a couple of shakes. There’s nothing to report here. Go ahead, move on.”

Mr. Snack waitress Amanda Linda was confirmed as having brought the shake.

“Yes, I brought it to table number 11. It was strawberry. I…”

Linda sank into a period of confusion and the interview was ended prematurely.

Mr. Snack offers a selection of ten shakes.

“Sure, we can bring you any one of ten shakes,” noted manager Glenn Crispin, who was interviewed while overseeing the making of several shakes. “It’s a popular…snack…here at Mr. Snack. We sell…a lot of snacks. I mean, shakes. Shakes and snacks.”

The shake that was brought.

The shake that was brought.

Crispin indicated that several further shakes would probably be served today.

“I…would imagine,” he said, before looking off into the distance.

Phone calls to Mr. Snack corporate headquarters were not returned.

The Jennifers family did not order any other shakes and left shortly thereafter.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , ,

Pageant to Give Area Girls a Chance to Shine

May 13, 2015 Leave a comment
By Bernie Keebler

By Bernie Keebler

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

An area “dream pageant” is giving some local girls a chance to shine.

The pageant, sponsored by Lankville business magnate Ric Royer, will feature folk dances, patriotic displays, choral works and a fire. Refreshments will be served.

“Rather than sponsor, I would prefer to be called “an encourager”,” Royer corrected. “The intent here is to braid pleasure with the abject, spike it with light buffoonery and to entertain, amaze and delight everyone,” added Royer, who was interviewed in the median strip of a busy thoroughfare. “There will be a piano…”

Royer suddenly became distracted by a baby being wheeled by in a stroller. “We don’t have any babies in the show,” he whispered faintly.

Some of the pageant participants include Lankville Daily News contributor Catrin Lloyd-Bollard, Emma Reaves and Caitlin Beeb.

The lovely ladies of the pageant: (L to R): Emma Reaves, Caitlin Beeb, Catrin Lloyd-Bollard. Encourager Royer at back.

The lovely ladies of the pageant: (L to R): Emma Reaves, Caitlin Beeb, Catrin Lloyd-Bollard. Encourager Royer at back.

“We’re already busy preparing our routines, buying outfits for the pageant, and trying to control the deep waves of panic and otherworldly terror that generally come with living in Lankville,” noted Lloyd-Bollard, who enjoys snow-skiing, the mall and the color purple.

“We hope that this pageant brings people together and also brings awareness of all the ethnics that live out in the desert,” noted Beeb, who is a member of the Mall Fashion Forecast Team and also enjoys water swimming, floral arranging, and yarn.

Royer says that the preliminary competition will begin this summer with the final crowning in October.

“We’re still raising funds,” the enigmatic executive noted. “I’ve personally sold some of my Illuminated Christmas Village pieces– just the ones that I had 10 or 11 examples of and just the ones that were in slightly lesser condition. Nevertheless, we are well on our way.”

To donate to the pageant, one can access the individual digital network station: http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/miss-chthonic-star-dream-pageant.

“Do it now,” encouraged Royer, who was still standing mindlessly in the median strip. “Do it before you go outside again. There is no reason not to.”

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,

Lankville Sit-Ins Target Pondicherry

May 12, 2015 Leave a comment
Brock Belvedere

Brock Belvedere

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Lankville President Pondicherry is the target of a new political ploy: statehouse sit-ins.

Four groups, disappointed at Pondicherry’s alleged lack of action on recent issues, have held sit-ins this week in his modern reception room.

First, it was the Anti-Challenge League, protesting the rise of challenges in Lankville. Next, it was the United Vitiello Decorative Ham Managers, upset with recent debates over raising the minimum wage. Yesterday, it was the Parents of Bumpkins Union, asking for higher staffing in local schools. And today, Lankville Daily News contributor Dr. David Hadbawnik staged a sit-in for gourd awareness.

President Pondicherry

President Pondicherry is getting mixed reviews.

No group has come away with any major concessions but the parade of protesters continue.

Wanda Barn, one of the President’s receptionists (rated only a 2 of 10 by our staff but who I personally think is banging it out like some sort of smoking angel bomb dropped on the village that is my freak) has a casual attitude about the protesters now.

“It doesn’t even bother me anymore,” she said, sitting at her big desk in the corner of the reception room and filling out that pair of pleated cargo capris like a god damn champ. “Everybody gets their turn.”

Pondicherry usually meets with the groups after they have waited for most of the day. He says he doesn’t encourage sit-ins.

“It’s a phenomenon of our times. The institutions which shape our lives are not as trusted as they were in the past,” the President noted. “I have absolutely no philosophical or political thoughts on why this is– I have not spent very much time thinking about philosophy or politics.”

Once Pondicherry emerges and talks with the protesters, he gets mixed reviews.

“We thought he was a myth,” noted Pam Tucks of the Anti-Challenge League. “But we found out he wasn’t.”

“He gave me no satisfaction whatsoever,” said Hadbawnik. “He wouldn’t even look at my gourds.”

Ms. Barn says that the protesters often leave quite a mess.

“Pamphlets, decorative hams, gourds, some of the bumpkin children have pulled down the floor-to-ceiling drapes– we have the cleaners come in after each sit-in,” Barn noted.

“Where do I get that job?” I joked. “Chance to gape at such pulchritude while cleaning– doesn’t even sound like a job to me,” I added. “Sounds like heaven. Too much space between your lips and mine.”  I gyrated lewdly.

Ms. Barn became embarrassed and the interview was ended prematurely.

Further sit-ins are expected tomorrow.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , , ,

Pizza Success by Brian Schropp

May 12, 2015 Leave a comment
Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Things have been good at my job at ‘The Pizza-A-Round’ for awhile and recently ‘the pizza success’ seems to have kicked into high gear!! The other month I had decided to put some of my ‘culinary talents’ in action and help create some new ideas to help drive sales during ‘off peak times’. Little did I know how much of a success my ‘Mid-Morning Snack Pizza’ concept would be. My manager, Scott was almost glowing as he shared with me some reports spewing out of the noisy dot matrix printer in his pizza sauce stained office. “Jesus Christ, the mid-morning and early afternoon sales have jumped 10% since last month all because of your idea. Sure it’s a hell of a cost making that with all the shit on top but if they are willing to pay $29.95 for the damn thing, then we’ll keep making ’em. You seem to have tapped into the mind of the fat lonely teenager and what they really want from an unhealthy meal.”

​The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza for $29.95

​The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza for $29.95

Little did Scott know that I was that exact teenager some years ago and maybe, just maybe, if I had these sort of pizza options, things would of been a little brighter and the daily pantsing I received in the locker room wouldn’t of been that bad.

Just like with all of Scott’s “talks” however, the negative eventually outweighs the positive and the hammer soon came down.

“The thing is Bri, sales have dropped a little the past few days. Do you think it has the staying power to last? I’ve seen many a concept pizza come down the road only to start out with promise then end up bankrupting the place.”

I sat down in a chair which wasn’t Scott’s office chair (you NEVER sit in his chair) to think about the situation. After a moment the solution came to me (and like with many of ‘my moments’ I heard the slight chorus of bumpkins). “Hey Scott, why don’t we just give customers the option of switching out the cheeseburgers with chicken sandwiches and then the fries for onion rings? Better yet they could mix and match as they please.”

Scott stood motionless giving me ‘The Scott Look’. Did I say something wrong? Does he have a secret fear of onion rings? Was I going to make it home alive? He walked very slowly over to me, bent down and HUGGED me.

“You’re a genius,” he whispered in my ear. “A freakin’ genius.” He smelled like smoke, whiskey, guns, and what I believe to be loose women.

​The new 'Pizza Eggwich' which sells for $12.98

​The new ‘Pizza Eggwich’ which sells for $12.98

My fingers are crossed for my newest creation ‘The Pizza Eggwich’. I had been testing out various prototypes during my lunch breaks (of course paying for my attempts good or bad) and just recently hit upon what I hope is the winning formula. Giving Scott the list of ingredients (he will never try my stuff until it’s on the menu for awhile to make sure it’s safe) he has priced it at $12.98. It was given a test run just yesterday so I was curious about the results.

“You know it’s too early for any results that matter,” Scott reflected. “We did have some guy in here that ordered it and then ran to the restrooms and vomited a shit ton in a trashcan. Turns out the new guy I had on subs, Johnny, forgot to cook the egg at all and just placed it raw on the sub. Needless to say nobody will be hearing from Johnny soon. And I mean, nobody. Anyway, it’s a complicated idea made from a complicated mind so it’s going to take a while for the sandwich makers to get all the steps right. I’m putting high hopes into it and hopefully we will see sales. If this keeps up and the money really starts to come in from your ideas you know what it could mean?”

My eyes lit up, I knew exactly what he was going to say.

“I might look into getting a new managerial sink. Maybe with a plaque on it that says “Brian Schropp- Head Of Cleaning Team.”

I will of course keep you all posted on my new food creations and all the new food places that seem to spring up daily in Lankville. Until then my gentle readers, keep your minds and mouths open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri

Categories: Cuisine by Brian Schropp Tags: , ,

On My Webinar and My Summit by Dr. Kevin Thurston

May 11, 2015 Leave a comment
Dr. Kevin Thurston

Dr. Kevin Thurston

Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.

Last Saturday saw the debut of my new webinar, “It’s Alright to Cry”. And this coming Saturday I will be hosting the 1st Annual Men’s Feelings Summit in the back lodge of the Casa Montecristo.

It is a good time to discuss men’s feelings.

Indeed, no time has ever been better. Right now, men want to talk, cry and cower more than ever before. And Dr. Thurston is there for you. And because of the magic of the internet, I can be there for you any time of the day or night (for just $19.99– make sure you enable your cookies).

My webinar makes an important and just statement. It calls for an end to the suppression of men’s feelings. While you watch my webinar, I want you release everything. It may be a few days of frustration or it may be decades upon decades of horror. Let it all out. It’s alright to cry. It is.

A still from my new webinar, "It's Alright to Cry".

A still from my new webinar, “It’s Alright to Cry”.

I recommend following up our private session (I want you to think of the webinar as being created exclusively for YOU) by attending the Summit. Here, you will have the opportunity to meet other men (and women who are friends of men’s feelings) and also to have a look at some of the wonderful items I’ve picked up recently– quilted outdoor pillows (none matching) $19.99 each, ultra high efficiency laundry detergent, $12.99, box of scissors still factory-wrapped, $3.99 each, bunch of great stuff.

So, don’t delay. There is limited space in the back lesser lodge at the Casa Montecristo. But more importantly, there is limited space in your emotional psyche for more pain. Cleanse now, cleanse today with Dr. Kevin Thurston.

Expert in men’s feelings.

This article has been paid for by Dr. Kevin Thurston.

Categories: Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston Tags: , , ,

OPINION: If You Haven’t Been to a Randy Pendleton’s, You Haven’t Eaten

May 11, 2015 Leave a comment
By Randy Pendleton

By Randy Pendleton

Randy Pendleton is one of Lankville’s most famous celebrities.

In the last five years or so, you’ve probably noticed a change in the Lankville roadside landscape. You’ve probably seen the twinkling neon lights with my image and name at the top and the refulgent arrows with the words “HEATED POOL”, “RESTAURANT”, “ICE CREAM”, “STEAKS” and “COCKTAILS” below. You’ve probably taken note of the modernist “international style” architecture of my buildings– painted bright orange and brown to reflect “environmental themes” and the patented “Pendleton Acres” which offer ample parking for regular axle vehicles but also buses, trailers and boats. You’ve probably seen my ads in the paper describing our famous tendersweet fried clam plate with Outland Fried Potatoes, gloppy coleslaw and foreign sauces. Or our hamburger specials– the King Size, the Cheese Duke, the Onion Paladin and the Vegetarian Twilight Patty.

So, you’ve seen all we have to offer. The question is: why haven’t you been our guest? Because if you haven’t been to a Randy Pendleton’s, you just simply haven’t eaten.

Randy Pendleton's: What's Taking You So Long?

Randy Pendleton’s: What’s Taking You So Long?

Here’s what notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer had to say about Randy Pendleton’s:

Many afternoons– I’ve rented a room in the motor lodge, enjoyed intercourse with a prearranged sandy-haired lover, dressed in my “eating robe” and then walked over to the restaurant. I like that the menus have photographs. The photographs are deeply colorful– more colorful than in real life, as though they were painted by some unknowable deity. I order nothing but dessert.

A local mother noted:

My kids love Randy Pendleton’s. I like that the menus turn into spellbinding kaleidoscopes. Gives me and Stan [my boyfriend] a little break.

So, there you have it. Glowing reviews of our restaurant from Ric Royer and a divorced Mom.

But Randy Pendleton’s is so much more than just food. We offer modern, clean rooms at affordable prices, decorated in a Western Island style with privacy nature murals that shield your sleeping space from the kitchenette and patented “bathing arena” (where available). We offer fast and efficient room service direct from our restaurants. And every Randy Pendleton’s room has a teevee set (takes quarters). That’s my guarantee.

We have swimming pools, saunas, lounges and massage parlors. Selected Randy Pendleton’s offer small tree trimming classes taught by exotic foreign people!  We’ve even got live entertainment– trumpets, pianos, rock music for the younger set!  Yes, we’ve got it all!

But you won’t be able to experience what’s it like to be at a Randy Pendleton’s until you try. What’s taking you so long? Stop at a Randy Pendleton’s today.

The opinions of Randy Pendleton are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries although we do admit that we like it a lot.

Categories: Opinions Tags: , , ,

Barlow Foods Ranks Best in Entire World for Reputation, Poll Says

May 11, 2015 3 comments
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Barlow Foods has a better reputation than any company in the entire world, according to a new poll.

The grocery chain tops a list of the 50 most visible companies in the Meulens-LaPoint 19th Annual Reputation Quotient Study. It beat out such giants as Danny Madison Technologies, Grebov Brothers Telescopes and Vitiello Decorative Hams to secure the top spot.

“These figures merely support what we’ve always believed,” said owner and CEO John Barlow. “That we are better than everyone else in the world. Why go through the charade of false modesty? Why even go through the charade of a Quotient Study? Why present me with this Quotient Study trophy?”

Barlow tossed the Quotient Study and the trophy out a nearby open window.

“We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies,” Barlow noted.

We are the best in the world because we don’t stop to leer at trophies.” 

The study evaluated data from over 38,000,000 respondents. Perceptions of company products and services, financial performances, workplace safety, social responsibility and emotional appeal were all considered.

Barlow Foods earned a score of 87.6.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

Barlow Foods CEO John Barlow.

“A score above 80 is considered excellent,” noted Quotient Study founder and business analyst Cheryl Meulens (rated about a 4 of 10 by this author– 5 of 10 with a better haircut). “It’s an extraordinary accomplishment for Barlow Foods, particularly when you look at the companies that have been legendary for their customer service– like, say, Vitiello Hams. It shows how Barlow Foods has an international reputation as well. I think they have a store in one of the islands somewhere.”

“I like Barlow Foods,” noted local resident Kovin Burry. “I like their frozen pizzas and their yogurt is generally better than the name brands. I like their shampoo. It’s also better than the name brands. The cheeses are good.  A small bunch of kale is 2.69, which comes out to almost seven dollars a pound. Sometimes the aisles are congested but I’d still say it’s excellent.”

Burry was later shoved into a windowless van and driven off.

“This changes nothing,” Barlow stated later. “We will continue our mission to the end. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds.”

“We will remain open…forever,” Barlow added after a long pause.

A press conference is expected later today.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , , ,

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

May 8, 2015 Leave a comment
Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

I was hanging out in the bus station reading a newspaper that some guy had dropped on the floor. They had this section called “Free Love Encounters” where people advertised all kinds of nonsense. I couldn’t figure on a bunch of ’em but I decided to try a few. It had been awhile.

There was some jackass clogging up the phone booth. He was nattering on about getting a bunch of furniture delivered to the outlands. I gave him a hard stare. He couldn’t take it none and, after awhile, he bolted.

I tried the number on the first ad– said something about nude girls with big yams that would come out to your place and clean up a little. I couldn’t figure on none of it but I dialed anyway. A swarthy-sounding guy snapped it up after two rings.

“Topless maids– can I help you?”

“What if you want a maid but you ain’t got no house?” I asked. I felt like a horse’s ass.

“Just name a place, buddy. I got Shirley right here, ready to go. She’ll do your laundry for you.”

“Nude? At a laundromat?”

There was a pause. “Naw, guess we can’t have that. Unless you got a room or something. Maybe she could wash your pants in a sink, towel ’em off. That kind of thing.”

That sounded alright. I gave him an address– the Visibility Inn. “Have her meet me in the coffee shop that’s shaped like a triangle.”

“Coffee shop shaped like a triangle?” He was getting all bent out of shape about it. I couldn’t figure on it none. “I protect my gals– I’m not gonna’ send Shirley out to a god damned coffee shop shaped like a triangle.”

“Make it a room then, Jesus. Tell her to ask for Oakes at the front desk.” skokie10

I hung up on him and huffed it down there.

The clerk was a little sissy in a tri-colored button-up. He gave me a room down on the end and handed me a couple of soaps on a towel. “Make it two towels. Actually, make it three.” I thought about the pants. He gave me a little hell about it but in the end, nobody gave a damn. The sissy went back to his magazines and his cigarettes and I went back to my room.

It was about twenty minutes later that Shirley showed up. She was sporting coiffed strawberry blonde hair and some fair business up front that was squeezed into an all-black costume with a frilly white skirt. She pushed in a cart of cleaning supplies. “What are we doing today?” she asked, disinterestedly. She looked around at the immaculate room– the Visibility Inn had thought of everything.

“You can wash these pants out in the sink,” I proffered. I took the faded, worn-through polyesters off and dropped them on the floor. They were blown to hell– there wasn’t no point in it.

“You should throw these away,” she said, removing her top. A couple of big bazooms came barreling out. I popped half a chub.

“Why don’t you throw them away for me?” I said.

She bent over and, in one motion, hurled the pants across the room into a plastic trash can. The can danced precipitously before falling straight over. It was growing dark out.

She began dressing.

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

I suddenly began to feel very drunk. That half a fifth was finding its mark.

“You…did a good…job. I’ll recommend you, Shirley.”

“My name is Shirley but everyone calls me Peaches.” She was all dressed now. I couldn’t make no sense of it all.

It was a long time after she was gone that I passed out.

Categories: Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. Tags: , , ,

Trucker Joe’s Tales of the Road

May 8, 2015 Leave a comment
Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

My friend Trucker Joe loves his big rig tales. I get the impression from his countless stories that the Lankville Highway and Interstate system is a huge mangled mess that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Being that I have no license of my own (I become a “bag of nerves” whenever I try to take the driving test) I really don’t know if his stories are totally true or slightly embellished. When I’m with my folks they don’t seem to have a problem navigating around but Joe always counters that they don’t REALLY REALLY get out there and that they stick close to the burbs (plus I usually just “zone out” in the back of the car thinking of new food adventures).

Trucker Joe

Trucker Joe

Today I spent some time with Trucker Joe at the “Deep Northern Suburban Lankville Trucker’s Pool and Spa Association” (I get in free being Joe’s “guest”). Usually it’s not a bad place especially if the pool has water and it’s somewhat clean. The truckers are pretty hesitant with “outsiders” but being with him must give me some pretty good cred. In fact Joe says that’s probably what saves me from getting my throat slashed in the shower rooms. (I like to think it has more to do with my friendly personality). After a nice dip in the pool we settled down with a few cold ones (Joe had a beer and I had a refreshing diet citrus soft drink) and the tales of the Interstates began to flow.

“Bri, you might think it’s an easy life, speeding down the road with somewhat illegal contraband, wind blowing through your hair while gazing at the light purple sky of an evening’s sunset, some rambling jam band on the radio shoving their good vibes into your soul. It’s not that peachy, I know that’s the romantic spin people like you try to put on it (I tried to tell him not really but he wasn’t listening) but there is some real danger out there. Take the roads in Western Lankville for example, it seems to be the hot bed for a lot of accidents and strange happenings these days. Not sure if it’s all metaphysical stuff but I hear the people chanting in the woods just like everybody else that passes, even seen a person or two in a robe. Does that really mean the occult? People like to dress in robes to be comfortable all the time, right? But one does have to admit the roads are just plain bad out there with a lot of twists and turns. There’s a spot called “The Devil’s Bend” off of Highway 402 where you will find an accident almost every other hour. I passed by a nasty one not too long ago, one sixteen wheeler crashed right into another. One of them was hauling frozen fish sandwiches, you know like you find in the frozen aisle at Foodville (for some reason Joe shops there) and they were scattered all over the road. I think a few cars were caught up in it as well, crumpled and burning under the bottom of both trucks. Yes, people of all sorts take that bend too fast but is it because these chanting people in robes by the woods are taking over the driver’s minds and causing this? Do they also cause the tire blow outs that send trucks spinning out of control and crashing into innocent families picnicking on the side of the road? Or do they get in the heads of the families and make them have a picnic on the side of the road because that’s one hell of a place to have one if you ask me. It’s these types of trucking questions that can tear at a man’s soul.”

​

​”The Devil’s Bend” near Highway 402

I was going to mention that I had never heard of any family ever picnicking by the side of a highway and then being killed. Sadly, I was wrapped up thinking about the frozen fish sandwiches which would never be eaten. What a loss.

“Another weird area is Interstate 63 in Middle Southeast Suburban Lankville. Back in the golden heyday of trucking that was one of the finest roads to drive through. For whatever reason, they decided to put a walking lane for people to stroll down, how does that even make sense? I understand the area has fallen on hard times and the folks are poor but the merging onto it is a real pain in the ass now.”

Come on, I can believe hooded cultists causing accidents on a highway but a walking lane on the interstate? That’s a bit much.

“Joe, that sounds a little too crazy. You are either making that up or mixing something up.”

“I knew you were going to say that! Always not believing me and such. Well this time I took a picture just to prove you wrong.”

​

​”The walking lane” on Interstate 63

Joe opened his trucker’s fanny pack and took out the picture. I snatched it out of his hand.

“Jeez Joe did you take this to prove a point or did you want a picture of this woman?” He had an unhealthy obsession of taking pictures of women while on the highway.

“Don’t get sore because I am right.”

I tuned out his playful taunting and studied the picture closely for a few minutes.

Who’s to say that woman’s car broke down a few miles away and she was trying to get help? Just because you see one woman walking down Interstate 63 doesn’t mean it’s a walking lane.”

He rolled his eyes like I was the biggest idiot in the world. “BECAUSE I saw other women walking down the road, up and down the road in fact.”

“Hmmmm.” I thought about it for another minute. Why would women be walking up and down that stretch of pavement unless it really was a walking lane. “Guess you’re right–this time.”

“Well the next time we go out to eat you’re buying!!”

We sat for a little awhile taking in the sun and sipping our drinks basking in the warmth of our friendship. I was quietly building up the nerve to ask him a question. This question I ask every once in awhile in hope of finally hearing some stories. “Hey Joe, can we talk about Highway 71 now?”

​The Fried Egg Hot Dog- A trucker's dream!!!

​The Fried Egg Hot Dog- A trucker’s dream!!!

This single question turns the usually joyful trucker into a very serious one. “I don’t know if you are ready Bri, those tales make places like Highway 402 look like a field day in the park.”

Highway 71, also known as the “Badlands”, is located in South South Lankville. I have always been personally obsessed with the place ever since reading books about it as a lonely teenager in the school library. The tales of the macabre, the strange and supernatural, the utter madness!! Some say it’s all the natural gas from the mountains that make people hallucinate, others say it’s a true portal to Hell. I know Joe has driven it at least a few times and each time coming back a slightly changed man. I patiently wait for the day when he is ready to open up about it.

Before wrapping this article up I just have to mention the delight of the Trucker Spa’s eatery– most notably their “Fried Egg Hot Dog”. Sure, the eatery is usually very filthy with last night’s grease still dripping off the oven and the constant smell of urine from the nearby restrooms always in the air. Sure the cook and staff are the rudest people in the world especially to me as one of the “outsiders”. And sure they make me take off my pants and cluck like a chicken for the food I want but it’s so so worth it. The way the grease melts on the egg to the hot dog then soaking into the bun making it a soggy mess. Believe me you will want to get a truckers license just to get in and try this!!

Well until next time my gentle readers, keep your mouth and mind open to new ideas. Happy Eating!!-Bri

Categories: Cuisine by Brian Schropp Tags: , ,

Royer Buys Box of Puppies

May 7, 2015 Leave a comment
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Notable Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has purchased a box of puppies, sources are confirming.

Royer: Puppy Daddy

Royer: Puppy Daddy

“Yes, it’s true, I have purchased the puppies,” noted Royer, who was interviewed in his Lankville High Hills home. “The dew of the light bathes all of our souls in perfume and the lambent flame brings us the continuity of consciousness.  Now, let’s open the box of puppies.”

Royer tore open the box and seven puppies were seen to suddenly dart under some nearby furniture.

“What a light!” the executive exclaimed. “The rays consume me!”

The puppies are believed to have been purchased from an Outlands farm. Phone calls have not been returned.

“It’s very difficult to be alone in a fourfold dimensional world, possessing the Double Wand of Power (interviewees capitals) as I do,” Royer later stated. “These puppies will help me focus, keep me company and, later, as they grow older, they will be able to scare off or even eat intruders.”

“Now the mystery is done,” Royer added after a long period of eerie silence.

A press conference is expected later today.

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: , , ,