Archive
Are Offices Safe? A Zach Keebaugh Investigation
Zach Keebaugh
Yo, any half-bred dipshit realizes that safety and health hazards can exist on worksites filled with heavy machinery, guns and equipment– where employees often are required to engage in strenuous manual labor. A dude would have to be walking around in a snow globe of shit flurries not to grab the cake on that one.
But what about a job where most of the work tasks are completed while sitting in a chair in a climate-controlled office building? Seems less fraught with danger, right? However, I’ve seen it asserted that a surprising number of hazards are present in an office setting. I aimed to find out the truth on that. I am Zach Keebaugh– Investigative Reporter.
First, I went down to the library (the one I was going to had been bulldozed and replaced by a mall, so I huffed another 15 miles to the next one) and checked out the stats. According to data from the Lankville Bureau of Labor Mutilations, 19,480,410 private-industry office and administrative workers suffered on-the-job injuries in 2014. Many of these injuries could have been prevented had workers or supervisors recognized the risks and implemented simple workplace modifications to help mitigate them. I had my lead.
So next, I huffed it down to the National Pondicherry Safety Council and met up with Dr. Jeenie Paquette. Jeenie and I got along right off the bat and, I’ll admit, I was pushing pretty hard to the net. But then I got down to business with the good doctor.
“So WHAT THE FUCK, doc. How can we get rid of all these hazards and raise employee awareness?
“Well, Zach, I’ve split up common office safety problems into a series of three categories.”
“You can do whatever you want, mama,” I purred.
“Right…well, Zach, the first major category are “office falls.”
Dr. Paquette says that last year alone, Lankville office works fell 3,987,412 times.
“The best thing to do is stay clutter-free. Keep boxes, buckets, wagons, papers, etc. out of the way and maintain a clear line of vision throughout the office. And if you have to reach up, use a safety step stool. We see all kinds of office workers trying to cut corners by stacking chairs together or ripping out the divider stalls in the bathroom and using them as ladders. That’s a no-no. Every office should have at least one working step stool.”
“What about just taking a full garbage can and stepping in that?” I probed. “Now, what the hell can be wrong with that?”
“No, Zach. Garbage tends to collapse when you step on it.”
Don’t end up like these King Hill fuckheads. Make your office safe, yo!
“I didn’t know that. You’re good.” I flashed her some pearlies. “What’s next, doc?”
Turns out, the next most common office mishap is getting struck by an object or beheaded. According to the digits, Lankville office workers were struck 5,277,314 times in 2014 and 7854 Lankvillians were beheaded.
“You want to avoid objects swinging from the ceiling, especially decorative seasonal objects,” Paquette asserted. We had an office recently that hung actual 30-pound pumpkins from the drop ceiling. A lot of people were killed.”
“Sounds like a bunch of assholes. Hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. That shit’s bush league, man. What else you got? We’re not even gonna’ go into stupid-ass activities like hanging pumpkins from a drop ceiling. Those fuckers are on their own.”
“Well, Zach, our final category is perhaps the most common but the most problematic to address. It’s ergonomic injuries.”
“You talking about those funny chairs that the foreign guys come around selling?”
She seemed confused. “Well, they sell them everywhere, Zach. But ergonomics are not just about chairs. They’re also about keyboard and mouse placement, workstation deficiencies, even the way people sit or put their feet on the floor.”
Dr. Paquette also noted that workstations should be adjustable. “We all have different bodies, Zach. Adjustable means able to accommodate the widest range of employees possible.”
“Fat people?” I probed.
“A…variety of options should be available,” Dr. Paquette responded.
So, BOOM, DELIVERED. A good bunch of options on how to improve workplace safety and put an end to all these injuries and deaths over the last few years. By the way, after the big mouth-party of this interview was over with, Dr. Paquette and I walked down to a Meyer Plantain Hut and wolfed some of those fucked-up banana-looking things.
It was alright.
Medical Research by Dr. Yothers
Dr. Yothers
We have listed below some of the Medical and Laboratory research that has been done with Regent Jelly:
Many authorities still dispute the efficacy of Regent Jelly while others consider it a potential BOON to Mankind.
- Dr. Tim Teufel, Small Hills Institute of Lankville, October, 2014.
- Bedrosian’s Problem of Aging, Dr. Roy Smalley (Reprinted from Lankville Journal of Gerontology (defunct), Vol. 8, No. 3, July, 2013.
- Analyses of Regent Jelly, Pollen, and Bikes, Nevin Weaver and Charlie Huddy (Technical Contribution, No. 2865, Lankville Agricultural Experiment Station.)
- Longevity Factors in Regent Jelly, Dr. Cecilio Guante (Reprinted from BIG Lankville Journal of Aging– Digest Rack Format, Vol. 3, No. 1, January, 2013.)
We make no claims for REGENT JELLY. We have merely accumulated reports that have been made as a result of experimentation and research by Doctors, Electronics Experts, Laboratory Assistants, Nutritionists and Consultants in many parts of Lankville.
Five Ways to Repurpose Leftover Pumpkins by David Hadbawnik
FROM THE ARCHIVES
By David Hadbawnik
David Hadbawnik is Lankville’s premier authority on the proper disposal of pumpkins and gourds.
Each day, I receive hundreds of thousands of emails from readers just like you, asking about proper methods of pumpkin disposal. So, for those in a pumpkin crisis, I’ve laid down a few easy tips. So grab a cup of coffee, take a deep breath, relax, do a few light stretches and then read on:
1. If your pumpkin is whole and uncarved…consider moving him (all pumpkins are masculine) inside to be part of your Thanksgiving holiday decorations! I can’t tell you how many people come up to me in restaurants, bus stations and outside and say, “David, you wouldn’t believe how a few pumpkins transformed my otherwise moribund Thanksgiving interior decor!” I’m never surprised– after all, pumpkins add a splash of orange to maize displays, cranberry candle exhibits and glittered leaf table decor. And they remind us of some of our earliest Lankville settlers who ate a lot of pumpkins so there is historical value.
2. Donate them to a zoo…there is nothing a zookeeper likes better than looking up to find a family toting a rickety wagon full of old pumpkins into the park. If they refuse (they shouldn’t!), then simply make a few calls to any nearby pumpkin farm worker and ask them what to do.
3. If you carved your pumpkin just a few days prior to Halloween, then you should be able to still use the innards (or, as I like to call it, “the orange gold”) for soups, pies, candy or soda. Note: a 5-pound pumpkin can make about two 9-inch pies (utilize an electronic device for further calculations).
Not sure what to do with ALL THOSE PUMPKINS? David Hadbawnik breaks it down for you.
4. How about trying to learn more about pumpkins? Understand them better? Start a neighborhood garden and pumpkin dump. Get to know the people in your community.
5. Feed your pumpkins to a horse– or to someone who has a horse. Always ask permission first! Horses love pumpkins almost more than zoo animals. In fact, of all the animals, horses are known to like pumpkins best. (Reader recommendation).
As always, enjoy and happy holidays!
DHad
Otis Nixon: 1955-1989
By Bernie Keebler
ERRATA
Infamous Lankville lurker and Daily News columnist Otis Nixon did not die in 2014 as previously reported but actually died in 1989, sources are now confirming.
The News regrets the error.
Nixon was allegedly walking through a field wearing a fake beard. Witnesses state that he tripped on the beard and broke his neck. His body was then blown into the forest and destroyed. Later reports indicated that Nixon was blown into the forest and destroyed a year prior in 2014. No beard was involved.
Otis Nixon died in 1989.
However, an analysis of Lankville death certificates now indicates that Nixon died in 1989.
Otho Ump, who penned the false obituaries, had been placed on administrative leave. He was found guilty yesterday of spreading false information and sentenced to 65 years in prison.
“Justice is served,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive to the trial.
Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff issued an apology to Nixon’s family.
“He [Ump] really looked like a reporter with those suspenders and cigar. I admit, I was completely fooled.”
The cause of Nixon’s death is a matter of speculation although several family members indicated that he, “was deeply affected by certain Eastern Lankville philosophies, grew progressively more insane, began practicing magic on stones in his backyard and finally wandered off into the mountains.” His body was never found.
Bernie Keebler has been placed in charge of obituaries.
Samways and Fick, Consultants: ELECTRONIC LEARNING
Dr. Samways
Training is essential to any growing organization. Building your team, outfitting them in white polo shirts with mountains on them and having the right skills and abilities in place combined with high-quality and moderately effective training is fundamental to your success. An untrained employee can cost your company downtime, loyal customers, office chairs, merchandise, AND your reputation (they also often cause fires). However, traditional “electronic training platforms” can be expensive, time consuming, incomprehensible, inconvenient and leave you with nothing but a pile of papers and senseless scribbled notes as you quiver mass-like beneath your desk in a puddle of your own abominable excreta.
Samways and Fick, Consultants can help alleviate this common problem. With electronic training capabilities, employees are able to access a colorful interactive educational curriculum (our platform has a jovial cartoon horse narrator) that is outside of the traditional classroom setting and at their own convenience. Samways and Fick, Consultants has partnered with Samways and Fick: Solutions to provide you with innovative and targeted online learning and development strategies that shy away from ponderous lecture and repetition and instead blitz the user with a series of fast-moving screens intended to jackhammer the information directly into the subconsciousness of the employee (while amusing him on the conscious plane– remember, the horse).
Dr. Fick
Once the pulverizing information session is completed, we offer a range of follow-up training solutions, developed by experienced instructional designers in the Outlands that are effective and deliver results – solutions that ramp up productivity, slam performance in the ass and impact your bottom line. And that is guaranteed.
Samways and Fick: Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched in the Mouth Contesting My Own Death Before, I’ll Be Punched in the Mouth Contesting My Own Death Again
Dick La Hoyt
So, let me tell you what these fucks down at the News did. They went ahead and published an article about your man Dick La Hoyt being dead. Put out a whole motherlovin’ obituary and everything, said I had been punched in the mouth at the Cabinet Rascal down off Route 71, god damn thing written by some clown in a red felt hat. Upset Tammy all to hell.
She’s calling up the tire shredding plant bawling her eyes out. “Dick’s dead! Dick’s dead!” she’s screaming into the phone at some foreman. “Naw, Dick ain’t dead. He’s right out there on the floor feeding a big cardboard box a’ triple treads into the shredder,” this dope tells her. I get on the phone with Tam and calm her down but then I realize I got some unfinished business with this clown down at the news. I take the rest of the day off and head straight the fuck down there.
“Where’s Ump?” I yell as I hit the newsroom floor. “Where’s that god damn horses’ ass?”
I’m met by editor-in-chief Marles Cundiff. “Dick, we’re looking into this– Ump’s on administrative leave.”
“I’m going to have his ass for lunch,” I say, trying to get around Cundiff. A bunch of other reporters are half-sitting, half-standing. I saw Brian Schropp and Brock Belvedere plunge down the fire exit.
“Dick, babe, calm it down. We’re getting to the bottom of this, alright?” Cundiff says.
“That ain’t good enough for Dick La Hoyt,” I scream out. “I want this sonuvawhore out on this floor RIGHT NOW!”
Well, Cundiff and I go back and forth for awhile with him just telling me the same old shit and me getting more an’ more upset and the reporters all trying to get me off the floor and the next thing I know BAM, I take one right in the mouth and I collapse into a chair.
Next thing I know, Cundiff is running a cold washcloth over my forehead. “You alright, Dick?”
“Who hit me? Man, I’ll rip him apart.”
“Just take it easy, Dick.” He starts running the cloth down on my cheeks and it starts to get a little too intimate for Dick La Hoyt, know what I’m saying? I rip it away from him.
I never did find out jack shit. But I will tell whoever it was that clocked me this– I’ve been punched in the mouth contesting my own death before and I’ll sure as SHIT be punched in the mouth contesting my own death again.
Schropp Guest Chef at Distant Island Foods Festival
By Brock Belvedere
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp was the guest chef this weekend at the 14th Annual “Distant Island Foods Festival” held in the basement of the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall).
Brian Schropp, shortly after his nervous collapse.
The festival, designed to promote the cuisine of the distant islands, drew a lusty crowd of gastronomes.
Schropp kicked off the event with a strange speech that ended with his nervous collapse. After a short nap and a case of strawberry milk, the writer felt better and made a “Distant Island Spring Loaf” to the delight of those attending.
“My Mom has been trying to get me to cut back on the breakfast sandwiches– I had only had three that morning. I think my blood sugar was just down,” Schropp explained.
The only notable criticism of the event was an obvious case of ageism against one unfortunate elderly woman who was not permitted to sit in a lobby chair for eight hours while her son handled some important business.
“Overall, I think it was a great success,” said festival co-founder Jerry Bigpupps. “Any promotion of the wonderful cuisine of the distant islands is a big giant shiny puffy gold star in my book.”
Feelings by Dr. Kevin Thurston: You Are My Halloween Costume
Dr. Thurston is an expert on men’s feelings.
You are my halloween costume.
What does that mean? you might think. You cannot wear me Dr. Thurston, expert on men’s feelings. I am a MAN.
Exactly.
That was my point.
You are my Halloween costume, I am your Halloween costume. We men are all interchangeable.
I want you to imagine a series of small hills (now is the time to practice your Thurston Advanced Method Breathing Techniques). Imagine you are moving slowly over those hills– each rise, each fall should coincidence with your breath. Imagine the endless but horrific sky above. Let everything fall away. I have some lovely woven baskets to catch everything. They have a nice chunky open cross-weave, rich natural color variations and angled, wrapped handles– these are real artisanal, satchel-shaped baskets. Available in three sizes, $29.99.
You will arrive naked and relaxed at the final hill.
Additional sessions available upon request.
I, Onanist: The Literary Feast of Brian Stig-Units
Buck Igloos
The Lankville literary world has been abuzz following the announcement yesterday that a new collection of famed Southern Edge Tips writer Brian Stig-Units will be released next Friday.
I, Onanist will be released in hardcover, paperback and in an electronic edition for Reckoner users.
Stig-Units (1875-1932) remains one of Lankville’s seminal writers of the “Restrained Decadence Movement” of the early 20th century. His seven novels and 26 plays won him endless accolades and he was named a “TITAN OF LITERATURE” shortly before his tragic beheading in 1932.
Brian Stig-Units, 1898
But I, Onanist promises a side of Stig-Units that Lankville has never seen before.
“He was a real onanist, big-time,” said Lankville State Easier University professor Dr. Bernard Varrone, Jr. “It embarrassed his family terribly. He personally suppressed this collection because his wife apparently cried a lot and this disturbed Stig-Units. He was terribly uncomfortable around crying.”
But with the death of Mary Stig-Units last year, I, Onanist can finally see the light of day.
“The collection clocks in at 379 pages,” noted Varrone, Jr., over a lunch of cold tilapia and some sort of orange, tubular snack food. “That’s over 60 separate stories about Stig-Units’ onanistic activities spanning his entire career. It’s an absolutely seminal collection, most important release of the year.”
Indeed, Varrone, Jr. himself spent six years editing the volume.
“When you get the chance to work closely with the words of a master, well, you don’t piss that away.”
Varrone, Jr. later apologized for his atrocious language.
I, Onanist by Brian Stig-Units
Release Date: November 6, 2015
Hardcover: $29.99, Paperback, $19.99, Reckoner Version, $14.99
TODAY IN LANKVILLE
By Elliott Cumber-Lanny
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Local Man Fired After Requesting Day Off
Prominent Lankville grocery chain Barlow Foods has come under scrutiny today after firing a man for requesting a day off.
John Barlow: Firing People?
Stan von Belinda, 39, of the Outer Lankville Marshes says he was terminated from his position as Assistant Bakery Table Adjuster after asking off for his daughter’s birthday.
“Just wanted to be with my girl,” said von Belinda, who was reportedly shocked by the dismissal. “But they had other plans.”
CEO John Barlow, reached at his Lankville Heights home, said that leave days are not part of “certain elements of the Barlow Foods Success Quotient.”
“We allow leave days for specific privileged people,” said Barlow. “However, von Belinda was not one of those persons. Those bakery tables must be adjusted.”
“I’ve seen other bakery table adjusters take off for all sorts of things. It seemed a little unfair,” said von Belinda. “I’ve been pretty accommodating with these folks, volunteering for extra days, doing all I can. Yeah, I’m a tad miffed.”
La Hoyt Takes to Social Media: “I ain’T nO Dead man [sic]”
Dick La Hoyt, whose obituary appeared yesterday, took to social media last night to refute the claim.
Dick La Hoyt: Not Dead?
“I ain’T nO Dead man [sic],” La Hoyt wrote on Lankbook last night. Interviewed later by phone, the tire shredding plant employee and Lankville Daily News columnist said the obit is pure fabrication.
“It’s a bunch of horseshit. That writer [Otho Ump] made up all that god damn crap. Tammy never said nothing about me getting punched in the mouth at no Cabinet Rascal. Dick La Hoyt’s body ain’t going in no ground. Dick La Hoyt’s body is SPOKEN FOR.”
LDN Editor-in-Chief Marles Cundiff has promised a full investigation.
“Obviously, the obits have had some factual errors of late. We’re looking into it,” he said.
Vice-President Sturdy Teddy Recovering
Newly-appointed Vice President of Lankville Sturdy Teddy is recovering after being shot in the face during his inauguration.
“It’s been a tough road for Sturdy Teddy, getting shot all these times,” said Personal Assistant Lubee Greene. “He’s about two-thirds of the way towards recovery. We’re looking forward to seeing what he can do.”
An assassin suddenly appeared from behind a curtain and shot Greene ten times at close range.
He is expected to recover.
Dick La Hoyt: 1963-2015
Dick La Hoyt has died.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: YES!
Popular Lankville Daily News correspondent and tire shredding plant employee Dick La Hoyt has died. He was 52.
Witnesses say that La Hoyt was punched in the mouth while arguing with an unidentified man at The Cabinet Rascal, a discount wholesalers. He died later of his injuries.
“It was not the first time that Dick had been punched in the mouth at The Cabinet Rascal,” said his wife of 21 years Tammy La Hoyt. “But it was the last.”
Relatives, friends and people that have punched Dick in the mouth can visit the Life Lessons Funeral Home, Inc. of the Eastern Suburban Edges on Friday, October 30 from 2pm to 4pm and 6pm to 8pm and again at 2:00am (but don’t bring that one guy this time). Funeral Services will be held Saturday, October 31 at 11:00am at the Three Kings O’ Great Centre of the Divine of the Eastern Suburban Edges.
Notes of an Old Man Who Lives Alone
By Luman Cans Harris
“Now, listen here Luman. You’re a piece of shit.”
We were sitting at my kitchen table. I was watching a squirrel cross the power line. I looked down at the instant coffee I had made for her.
“You’re a Grade-A pile of shit. You always were.”
She lit a cigarette.
“I don’t allow smoking,” I said.
She didn’t care for that. I had left a paperback on the table face down. She picked it up and tore it clean in half.
“That wasn’t really necessary.”
“So, what’s going on? You fucking that redhead downstairs? That little redhead piece of trash?”
“I know her only by sight.”
“How much are you paying her, Luman?” She crushed the cigarette out on the table. Some of the laminate burned. I winced.
She got angrier all of a sudden and screamed. I was wondering how much longer it would last. Who knew where the frustration came from? It had been years.
“Just the same mountain of shit as always, Luman Cans Harris.”
She left without closing the front door. I sat there awhile. The light dimmed.
Later, I went out for a candy bar. I passed the redhead on the stairs. She was wearing a pink suit.
“How was your day?” she asked. She was fumbling for her keys.
“I’m just an old man who lives alone. Every day is the same.”
“AWWWWWWWW,” she said, as though I were some sort of a cute little kitten. She unlocked her door. I followed her ass in with my eyes.
It had been a long day.
The Lankville Daily News Guide to Fall Fashion
By Hayley Brooke Caitlyn Reagan-Jones, Fashion Attache
It’s fall now, which qualifies as a Lankville holiday in my book. There is nothing more exciting than kicking off the season of cozy sweaters, flannels, bonfires and leaves. As the temperature drops, let’s take a look at the five fall fashion trends that I just can’t live without!
1. Felt Hats
The Pumpkin Fedora from Cabbages Boy.
Spotted on the runways of Maison Maison, Cabbages Boy and Christians La Crux, you would be mad as a hatter to not doff one of these giant felt hats this season! Summery styles like floppy hats, fedoras and straw-boaters get a seasonal upgrade with warmer materials like felt, wool, and Island panels. My pick: this oversized pumpkin fedora with rare Island turkey feathers from Cabbages Boy. The neutral colors and structured shape compliment nearly every fall look (except strong blues, watery oranges, lime greens and most pinks. $295, $310 for larger heads.
2. Blanket Scarves
Fashion over function is banished to the attic with this fall trend. Blanket scarves combine popular prints like plaid or Outlands checkerboard with warm wool to create the epic cold weather accessory. Added bonus: they are incredibly versatile and can be used as a waist or groin scarf, shoulder poncho or even an actual blanket at your next fall bonfire! My pick is the Blanket Scarf with Sheet and Pillow from Christians La Crux. With a velcro band along the collar– you can attach your pillow (included at additional price) for that quick, sudden nap or…ahem…intimate moment! The sheet even folds up– put it back in your pocket and go! $125, $150 for larger necks. Washable.
The Pyramid Sweater from Hermes Kenny.
3. The Pyramid Sweater
For many Lankvillians, fall means that yearly trip to see the Great Pyramids. And nothing says “a monumental structure with a square or triangular base and sloping sides that meet in a point at the top” than the Pyramid Sweater from Hermes Kenny. It’s the ultimate in “boyfriend sweaters” featuring what Hermes Kenny calls “The Three B’s”– “bulky, banded, and ribbed.” My pick is the “desert sand” color (pictured). $125, $175 for larger necks. Sizes- Medium to XL.
4. Tassel Accessories
According to the Lankville Daily News Gazette of Fashion (industry trade magazine only), tassel earrings have made an elephantine comeback this season after being spotted in the fall collections of Hams by Vitiello and Claudell de la Washington. The elegant but shocking tassel shape brings flare, drama, and slight fear to any outfit, but my personal take on the trend is an extremely chunky tassel necklace with additional erratic ultraviolet laser tassels attached to my belt loops. The jangling and the firing of intermittent tassel lasers is sure to turn heads all autumn long!
Sweaters with vehicles on them.
$45 each, $60 for “hippy” women.
5. Sweaters with Vehicles on Them
The latest craze out of the Lankville capital last month was sweaters with vehicles on them. Already, we’ve seen them in the fall collections of Underground Penny, DEBBIE! and Gourds by David (unfortunately, Gourds by David sweaters are exclusively for gourds). My pick: “On the Bus” by DEBBIE! (sweater has a bus on it). $175, $200 for larger heads.
Hopefully, my guide will you give you some ideas as we head into what experts are predicting will be a cold and often deadly autumn!
Hayley Brooke Caitlyn Reagan-Jones appears courtesy of The Lankville Daily News Gazette of Fashion. She maintains an online digital workstation, a community garden and an urban restoration organization.
Otis Nixon: 1955-2014
By Otho Ump
Infamous Lankville lurker and Daily News columnist Otis Nixon did not die on Wednesday as previously reported but actually died last year, sources are now confirming.
Nixon was allegedly walking through a field wearing a fake beard. Witnesses state that he tripped on the beard and broke his neck. His body was then blown into the forest and destroyed.
Otis Nixon died last year.
“We have discovered that that information is false,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “Otis actually died last year. He was simply blown into the woods and destroyed. That whole fake beard story was just a creation of the media. But all of this happened last year.”
The Nixon family confirmed the date.
“I was quoted as making comments but those were all from last year,” said Nixon’s wife Teri.
Relatives, friends and former lovers visited the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 16 of last year from 2pm to 4pm and 6pm to 8pm with a few guys showing up for the unrelated 2:00am session. Funeral Services were Saturday, October 17 of last year at 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
Otis Nixon: 1955-2015
By Otho Ump
Infamous lurker and Lankville Daily News columnist Otis Nixon has died. He was 59.
Otis Nixon is dead.
Nixon was allegedly walking through a field wearing a fake beard. Witnesses state that he tripped on the beard and broke his neck. His body was then blown into the forest and destroyed. No further information was available at press time.
“It’s a sad day for all of us,” said Daily News editor Marles Cundiff.
Nixon was previously reported dead a week ago today. He was then found alive the following day.
“This time, I think there’s no mistake,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. “There are a lot of little bits in the forest that resemble Otis.”
Relatives, friends and former lovers are invited to visit at the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 23, from 2pm to 4pm, 6pm to 8pm and again at 2am if you’re up for it. Funeral Services will be held on Saturday, October 24, 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK