Archive
BREAKING: Pondicherry Wins Election
By Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
In a surprise move, President Pondicherry has won his re-election bid for 2016. Sturdy Teddy was named Vice-President.
The results of the recent national poll were declared official in lieu of an actual election.
“I’m lusciously delighted with the results,” said Pondicherry, who secures his second term as President. “This is a great, sturdy, robust nation. We will move forward. It may be a slow forward progress. There may be times when we may even be appearing to move backwards. But in the end, there will be gain.”
Poll results (now official)
Only 49 Lankvillians voted in the national poll (now Presidential election). Pondicherry received 32.65% of the vote.
Sturdy Teddy, who recovered from a close-range shooting, secures his first Vice-Presidential nod.
“We chose Sturdy Teddy because of his resourcefulness,” said Pondicherry, at a small election party held in someone’s front yard. “He comes from the hills, a person of the lowest rank, who has forged a path of decency and public service.”
Shortly before alighting the podium to deliver his acceptance speech, Sturdy Teddy was shot in the face. He is expected to recover.
David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party placed 2nd in the poll (now Presidential election) and Ric Royer of Hell was third.
Bringing up the rear were Dr. Nickelbee of the Green Sanity Party, Amanda Jennifers of the Morality Party and Randy Pendleton of the Lankville Heritage Party.
No candidate has yet to issue a concession speech.
“And I won’t,” said Hadbawnik, from Gourd Party headquarters in the Snowy Lake District. “This is an absolute abomination. This is a rape of the democratic, Lankvillian process. It won’t stand.”
Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dick Oakes, Jr.
Dr. Yothers was staring at my shins. The light outside grew dim.
“Just marvelous, just absolutely a marvelous sort of thing!” he said finally. He seemed really god damn happy about it. “The sores are completely healed.”
I rolled down my pants.
“Yep, Doc. Now it’s my back though.”
For a moment, he looked like he was going to cry. He was disappointed as all hell. I couldn’t figure on any of it.
“Oh…no…well, I suppose we can find something in the drawer!”
He pulled the drawer straight out of his desk and plopped it down hard on his lap.
“You remember the drawer?” he asked, his head cocked, waiting for the answer. I didn’t give him nothing.
He rummaged through the drawer loudly. It was excessive. He was humming some senseless song. I watched a small hot air balloon fly straight into a billboard on top of one of the nearby skyscrapers. The sound shook the room.
“Whoa ho!” Dr. Yothers called out. “Those people are dead.” He suddenly grew somber and reflective.
Then: “Try these Mr. Oates.”
It was a vial of red capsules. The name on the label read “Rudy Ferguson”. I had never heard of the pharmacy. The expiration date had long since passed.
“Those should ease your pain right away Mr. Oafs. Yes, yes, indeed. You will soon have a back that is limber and lissome.”
I nodded.
“YOU’LL BE SOON LIFTING ONE OF THOSE BIG BARBELLS,” he half-screamed. I looked back over to the skyscraper. A big fire had erupted. The upper floor was engulfed in flames. The skeleton of the burned-out balloon was about to tip over the edge, fall 30 stories down into the street. Who knew what the hell to make of it? I huffed it out of there.
I guess I had taken the pills at some point but I don’t remember much after that. When I woke up, it was dark and I was lying in a motel room by the ocean. I somehow made it over to the window and opened the curtains. The big neon sign was right out front– “THE CLOUD. ENJOY THE CONTINENTAL ROOM FOR ALL-LANKVILLIAN ENTERTAINMENT. WE HAVE KING SIZE BEDS. THERE IS CABLE TELEVISION. SUPPORT OUR PRESIDENT”.
I looked down at the salmon-colored carpet. There was no merit to it.
After awhile, I dressed and wobbled out to the lobby. There was an Island guy in a suit staring straight forward. Some tinkly piano music played over a fuzzy intercom. It was all senseless.
“Where’s the Continental Room?” I asked.
He looked at me. “It’s closed for the season.”
“Yeah? What about some packaged goods? Now, where can a guy get any packaged goods?”
“This is a dry county, Sir. Pondicherry’s orders.”
I kicked the front of the paneled counter lightly but ended up putting my foot straight through it.
The Islander leaned over. “Well, that will require some maintenance.”
I was still pretty lit. “How about some company? Where can I get some company? You got any corn-fed girls in this dry county of yours? Any of them big folksy girls?”
He was still staring at the big hole in the paneling.
“Huh? Any of them big naturals?”
He looked around. The lobby was dark and empty.
“I’ll slip something under your door,” he whispered. “Go back to your room.”
I figured on the Islander coming up with something good so I put on the cable and kept an eye on the carpet in front of the door. There was some show on about some people on a big boat. They were all tanned and happy and they wanted everybody else to be happy. There was a guy in a red suit that had some hand gestures that everybody seemed to like. The studio audience went god damn nuts whenever he made ’em. Who knew what the hell to do with it?
A card slid under the door. I could hear the Islander’s footsteps retreating down the causeway.
NUDE ENTERTAINMENT. CALL ERIC.
There was no number listed. I huffed it back to the lobby.
The Islander was gone and the lights had been put out. Some tape had been put over the hole in the counter. There was a little sign that read, “HELP YOURSELF”. The tinkly piano music had switched over to upbeat patriotic anthems. I had the feeling I was being watched.
I left the card on the counter and walked out into the night.
Otis Nixon: 1955-
By Otho Ump
Infamous Lankville lurker and Lankville Daily News columnist Otis Nixon is not dead as previously reported.
Otis Nixon is not dead.
Nixon, who was walking through a field when he was alleged to have been blown into the woods and destroyed, returned home today.
“Otis is fine and resting,” said his wife Teri. “He’s happy to be back.”
Relatives, friends and former lovers should no longer visit at the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 16, from 2pm to 4pm and 6pm to 8pm although the 2am if you’re up for it is still on the table. Funeral Services have been canceled for Saturday, October 17, 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
“No need for a funeral if the guy isn’t dead,” said Life Lessons director Eddie Berg, who seemed disappointed.
Nixon, a reformed lurker, is retired from 32 years service with the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company. He plans to resume his regular activities early next week.
Food Allergies a Barlow Foods Focus as it Offers Halloween Candy Chart
By Larry “God” Peters
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Voraciously gobbling up the wrong Halloween treat could be deadly for a child with severe food allergies. To make things clearer for allergen-conscious shoppers, Barlow Foods is changing how it merchandises its Halloween candy.
A sign in the seasonal candy aisle points shoppers to a large pie chart that the supermarket chain has put together with its candy vendors. It lists more than 16,000 types of Halloween candy and shows whether they contain ingredients associated with some of the most common food allergies – wheat, peanuts, chuck, eggs, dust, milk and soy – along with gluten. It also lists eight Barlow Foods brand “Fruit Morsels” that contain none of these allergens.
The chart is available online at http://www.barlowfoods.barlowcom or can be printed at the service desk in Barlow Foods stores with two pieces of identification and a deposit.
“Children will later become customers,” explained CEO John Barlow. “We will need them to be living.”
Barlow himself worked with his candy suppliers to verify allergens and check ingredient lists. The CEO then made the pie chart personally.
“I don’t trust pie charts to anyone else,” he noted. “We’ve already seen what can happen there.”
The move came after customers asked for assistance in choosing allergen-safe treats last Halloween.
Barlow stressed, however, that the motivation behind the chart was his own.
“I am in charge here,” he said. “I made the pie chart.”
Customers were already pleased with Barlow’s efforts.
“It made it a lot easier to avoid nougat,” said Eastern Flats resident Lee Tinsley. “I’m allergic to nougat.”
Tinsley was not observed to have any children with her.
The charts are now available at most Lankville-area Barlow Foods locations.
Samways and Fick: Consultants: PROJECT MANAGEMENT
A Project (our italics) may be defined as any lusty endeavor undertaken to create a unique product, service or result. Project Management is the application of knowledge, booklets, skills, tools, communication and firearms to activities in order to meet project requirements. Organizations that effectively employ project management methodology greatly increase the chances of accomplishing the goals and objectives of any project initiative, thereby bringing your organization closer to the area near the top of your mountain and also the moon (did you notice that we added the moon now?) This discipline fosters understanding by all stakeholders of the project mission (committee members, coordinators, handlers, and outside contractors) and what it will specifically take to accomplish it. By identifying tasks, office chairs, nearness to food and timelines, team members and stakeholders are better able to coordinate and execute on the work to be accomplished, ensuring that the project is completed on time, within budget and with requirements realized. We also have some “GO TEAM” stickers designed to boost production.
Dr. Samways
Samways and Fick offers Project Management services that can lead and coordinate the planning, execution (i.e.– the carrying out or putting into effect the plan, not the carrying out or putting of someone to death), monitoring, interfering with and controlling of your priority initiatives. To identify the need, we ask potential clients to put on the “GO TEAM” stickers, pull on some ropes, describe their greatest challenges or concerns and then to envision life in an altered version of our current world. The ropes are then put into a sack and loaded into the back of Dr. Samways’ tricked-out van.
Now you are ready. The CEO and executive team have prioritized their project needs– Samways and Fick now help them define scope and breadth (we have some long rulers) and forms a project team (keep your stickers around for reference) and will usually staff the team with the organization’s own employees or contractors.
Dr. Fick
Samways and Fick now provides a certified Project Management Professional® to guide the team in creating a big plan designed to accomplish your project goals and objectives. The big plan will typically include a “righteous baseline”, work breakdown responsibility rubric, timeline and budget and some office supplies for your cohorts (each cohort will be assigned a different colorful folder– three tab positions available). Once the plan is approved, the Samways and Fick PMP will then facilitate periodic mandatory team caucuses for purposes of guiding execution through status reporting, pie charts and other monitoring, controlling and restraining activities. Any team member who objects to the caucuses can go work for the fucking post office. Throughout the process the PMP communicates with stakeholders in order to inform, clarify, insist upon and insure integration of project activities and petty handling. Finally, the PMP oversees closure of the project by securing stakeholder and customer approval and recollecting all the colorful folders (making sure all three tab positions are accounted for) for later use.
Samways and Fick: Consultants– Helping You Reach the Area Near the Top of Your Mountain.
Otis Nixon: 1955-2015
By Otho Ump
Infamous Lankville lurker and recent Daily News columnist Otis Nixon has died. He was 59.
Nixon was walking in a field when he was suddenly blown into the woods and destroyed. He was, allegedly, not lurking.
Otis Nixon has died.
Nixon, who became reformed from lurking several years ago, was retired from the Grebov Brothers Telescope Company. He was a member of the Koala Bears and Walnuts Club and is survived by a wife (3 out of 10) and two children.
“Otis was a good man, I knew him,” said next-door neighbor Paul Quantrill, a prison guard. “He liked to edge his driveway. We commented on that.”
Nixon penned a piece on the perils of lurking two days ago. It was one of the Lankville Daily News’ most popular articles.
“I think it helped people,” said editor Marles Cundiff. “We’ll miss Otis.”
Relatives, friends and former lovers are invited to visit at the Life Lessons Funeral Home of the Southern Lankville Peninsula, Inc., on Friday, October 16, from 2pm to 4pm, 6pm to 8pm and again at 2am if you’re up for it. Funeral Services will be held on Saturday, October 17, 11:00am at the Great Christ Tube Church of the Southern Lankville Peninsula.
Couple Hits the Road to “Find Lankville”
By Brock Belvedere
Oh, to be young again, to be 20-something, to have dreams, to be freshly and lusciously in love, to be packing up and heading off into Lankville, on the road, in a large car, on the road trip of a lifetime.
Rachel Youngphones (images by Glenallen)
Meet Rachels Youngphones and Glenallen Glennhill. They met as roommates at the Home Dump building in the Partial Icy Regions. The Home Dump is an old industrial building that is now an artist’s haven — painters, musicians, theatre men, photographers, etc.
She’s 22, grew up on a farm in The Lankville Waving Alfalfa County, is a recent grad of Icy Regions State University in geographic informational science maps. She makes money as an airbrush artist at malls. He’s 24, from Lankville Capital, and a photographer who published a book about the Home Dump Building. “I didn’t go to school,” he says. “I’m pretty much a natural-born artist.”
When you are young and lusciously in love, creative and not burdened by words like resume, benefits and “responsibility”, you have freedom, and when you have freedom, and when you are in love and creative, you come up with fabulous ideas like they did — that is, you come up with “Two Hearts Across Lankville”.
Their digital workstation describes Two Hearts Across Lankville thusly: “…a travel journal documenting what it means to be peculiarly Lankvillian. But also a personal journey. A personal journey between Rachel and Glenallen, who are really in love.”
There is a long paragraph break. And then:
“In a tent.”
“We want to find the “only in Lankville Lankvillians,” Glennhill says. “People who are real Lankvillians, people of the earth. Like me and Rachel.”
Glenallen Glennhill (images by Glenallen)
They are bringing the aforementioned tent. They will sleep in national wooded areas, on farms, in yards or on couches, should anyone offer them. They are willing to accept a donated RV (2009 model or later).
Here is a list they sent me of other things they packed: a CB radio, two duffel bags of clothes, six Danny Madison Reckoner’s and a Danny Madison Weather Simulator, a case of organic tree bark juice, notebooks, a wireless keyboard so they can type on their Reckoners, a Lankville flag, four toothbrushes, 200 rolls of film, and a giant stuffed panda.
I followed up about the panda.
“We both like stuffed pandas,” Glennhill says. “I thought it would be funny to sometimes put the panda in the front seat, freak people out, you know. I’m a natural-born artist.”
I asked whether they might get sick of each other in the large car.
“That’s a good question,” Glennhill said. “We’ve basically been together every day since the day we fell deeply in love. I think we can be in the car. We’re really super positive. We’re both out on the same journey, you know.”
They see their trip as both a job and a duty.
“We really feel a lot of responsibility, and we like our role as storytellers, as natural-born historians preserving our own folk stories and finding ourselves and also finding Lankville,” Youngphones says.
“We are a creating our own story that stands as part of that, our own specific moral journey.”
Their first stop: the Semi-Grassy Plains.
OPINION: The Perils of Lurking
By Otis Nixon
IMPORTANT OPINIONS
I am Otis Nixon. I am a lurker.
You have to admit it to yourself before you can get help. For decades, I didn’t admit it. I just went about my business as a regional salesman for the Grebov Brothers Telescope company, part-time tennis nets coach and devoted family man. But I had a dark secret.
At about eight o’clock in the evening, without fail, I would announce that I had some errand to run. It might be filling up the tires with “fresh air”, picking up some lettuce for salads, taking the trash to the dump. “Why don’t you just put it out by the curb?” my wife would ask. “Trash day is tomorrow.” “Nope!” I would say, happily. “I don’t want to inconvenience the municipal authorities!” And I would toss the breaking bags of refuse into the hatchback trunk of my Neptune.
But I wasn’t going to the air pump, the lettuce galleria or the dump.
I was going to lurk.
I lurked everywhere– in strange neighborhoods, in alleyways, in back of grim apartments above closed paint stores. I lurked in the woods. I lurked in tunnels. There was probably not a single place in all of Lankville that I did not lurk in.
The papers would run articles. CITIZENS REPORT LURKER, NEIGHBORHOOD FLUMMOXED BY LURKER, LURKER DISRUPTS CARNIVAL. And I read them all greedily. I saved them, I scrapbooked them. I hid the scrapbook in the hatchback trunk of my Neptune– later I was even brazen enough to keep it at work, in my desk drawer. Often, I left the desk drawer open for all to see (Grebov Brothers has an open floor plan). I was sick. Still, I lurked.
And who sang the dies irae for Otis Nixon the lurker? It was a rotund man in a pantsuit. I was lurking in his bushes, watching his wife through the picture window. She wasn’t doing anything, understand, just watching TV. Just sitting there on her orange sofa, mindlessly watching TV and loading tennis balls into cans. I lurked– I watched the cans accumulate on the coffee table. I admit to arousal. And then her husband brained me from behind and I don’t remember anything for awhile.
I woke up in the Southwest Regional Minor Hospital. I recognized Detective Gee-Temple right away. I had been running from him for years.
“Are you the lurker Otis?” he asked.
For awhile I couldn’t answer. He let it pass and then he asked again and this time I said the four words. “I am a lurker.”
“We’ll get you some help,” the detective responded. “There’s a group that meets in a gym.”
I’ve been meeting with that group in that gym for two years now. I could have lost everything but I didn’t. I kept my job, my family and my Neptune. I kept many of my nice suits. But I didn’t keep my scrapbook. I traded it for a return of my soul.
Though I consider myself reformed, I must still remember. I am a lurker. And I will always be.
Anniversary of Bumpkins Carried Off By Wind to be Commemorated
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
The one-year anniversary of the disappearance of a bumpkin family that were carried off by the wind in an Eastern Lankville trailer park will be commemorated by a scientific explanation of how wind carries off bumpkins and a sheet cake.
The bumpkin trailer
The event will take place at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall) on Saturday, October 17th. Science wunderkind Danny Madison and meteorologist Jack Quintz will be the featured speakers. Tickets are $15 (with 10% of proceeds going to charity).
On October 19th of last year, a family of seven bumpkins were taken away by a strong wind. Their fate has never been discerned.
“It will be a celebration of their lives,” said event organizer Lloyd Byas-Kirk. “We will always remember them.”
OPINION: I’ve Been Punched While Buying Pumpkins Before, I’ll Be Punched While Buying Pumpkins Again
By Dick La Hoyt
SEASONAL OPINIONS
Yeah, this is a message for that sonovabitch down at the Little Lankville Pumpkin Corner last night. Guess what, shitheel? I’ve been punched while buying pumpkins before, I’ll be punched while buying pumpkins again.
Let me tell you about this retard. I’m just standing around the big giant cardboard container of pumpkins, minding my own business. I had a couple picked out by then, couple gourds in a basket too but it wasn’t no big deal. Anyways, this big d’bag comes prancing around the corner like he owns the god damn place. Just waltzes right up to my side of the giant cardboard container of pumpkins. I’m like WHOA BUDDY! THIS SIDE OF THE CARDBOARD CONTAINER OF PUMPKINS IS SPOKEN FOR! He backs off for a minute but later we get into it and one thing leads to another and the next thing I know, I’m flat on the gravel with the basket on one side of me and the gourds and pumpkins on the other. And big shit– he’s standing over me like he’s accomplished something that nobody in the god damn world has ever done.
Well, let’s set the record straight, boss.
I’ve been punched while buying pumpkins before, I’ll be punched while buying pumpkins again.
The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.
Where Have All the Pumpkins Gone? Lankville Facing Severe Pumpkin Shortage
Bernie Keebler
LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!
Pumpkin crops are down 95% this year, credible pumpkin sources are reporting.
“The big cardboard pumpkin box at the pumpkin place was real low,” noted local pumpkin buyer Wayne Gross. “And then, there was really just one thin layer of pumpkins and then below that were these monstrous oblong gourds.”
Gross claimed he had to punch several people in the face, including women, and challenge another man in order to come away with a pumpkin.
“It was rough. It was war out there.”
Barlow Foods, owner of an estimated 95% of the canned pumpkin market in Lankville, believes it has enough canned pumpkin to make it through Thanksgiving, but the short harvest means it will be tight.
Gone are the pumpkins.
The bulk of Lankville’s pumpkin supply comes from the Sugary Plains, which suffered heavy rains, dump fires and rabbit gnawing throughout the summer.
“We’re very, very disappointed in the pumpkin farmers of the Lankville Sugary Plains,” noted CEO John Barlow. “We won’t have much reserve stock if any at all. We’re looking into alternative ideas for holiday pies.”
Presidential candidate and gourd expert Dr. David Hadbawnik has already stepped forward with several solutions involving gourds.
“People shouldn’t dismiss the gourd as a decorative fall item. It has always played second fiddle to the pumpkin, just because the pumpkin is big and round but the gourd can step in easily and fill the shoes of the pumpkin. Pumpkins don’t have shoes obviously but…you know what I mean.”
Hadbawnik became confused and had to look at several photos of pumpkins online before he became confident of his assertion.
Meanwhile, Lankvillians are encouraged to peacefully resolve their pumpkin problems.
“Pumpkin lots will be putting out signs notifying the public if they no longer have any pumpkins,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was called to over 30 pumpkin lot incidents yesterday. “We ask that the public please respect these signs and move on to procuring other decorations for their porches.”
President Pondicherry on the State of Lankville
President Pondicherry
There is no greater honor than the Presidency of our luscious country. But it is not just an honor; it is indeed a privilege. We are at the dawning of an age of possibility. The great grains of the farms by the malls shall be harvested.
This shall occur– it is our destiny.
It is also my deepest honor to be crushing ass in our first National Presidential Poll. Although I know very little about polls, I certainly enjoyed hearing about it.
Tonight, we will be crowning some of our great heroes (the men and the one woman that work for the fire department) at a small ceremony at the Casa Montecristo (an elegant reception hall). Each fire person will receive a trophy, a box of new slacks, and a big medal that says, “CHAMPION”. It can be worn about the neck proudly, although the medal part is really, really huge. Like, the size of a pizza serving plate. I’m not sure why it came like that.
God Bless You and God Bless Lankville,
President Pondicherry
Presidential Poll Results In; Sturdy Teddy to Recover
By Otho Ump
Results of the first national Lankville Presidential Poll were released this morning.
President Pondicherry continues to hold a slight lead over challengers David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party and Ric Royer of Hell. Only 39 people in the country voted.
“We were disappointed in the turnout but lusciously pleased with the results,” said Pondicherry, who attended a small breakfast in which cakes resembling deep sea sponges were served. “People should be ashamed that they didn’t participate in the democratic process. If you didn’t participate, I want you to write to me. Tell me why you didn’t participate. Give me all the reasons even if they don’t immediately seem relevant. Are you too busy late at night for example? Those moments when the sheets are warm with your body heat and…”
The President was interrupted by an aide and led away.
Bringing up the rear of the poll were Sturdy Teddy (shot) of the Mountain Party at 12.82% and Amanda Jennifers of the Morality Party at 7.69%. Randy Pendleton and Dr. Nickelbee received only one vote each.
“Everything has a season, including gourds,” said a Sturdy Teddy supporter, who refused to be identified and was later involved in a challenge. “Sturdy Teddy knows not to mess with tradition.”
A second Presidential poll will be posted in a few weeks.
In other news, candidate Teddy is expected to recover after being shot numerous times at close range yesterday.
“He’s doing well, resting, some eating,” said attending physician Dr. Yothers. “We actually lost him for awhile– for a good two hours we couldn’t find him. Then, we discovered we had left him in a distant basement room.”
Dr. Yothers giggled strangely.
“What a caper!” he added.
Sturdy Teddy is expected to hold a short press conference in a few days.
Giant Hurricane to Destroy Most of Lankville
By Kimball J. Cranney
A giant hurricane is expected to wipe out most of Lankville, sources are confirming.
The hurricane will likely hit the Lankville beaches Monday morning. The afternoon and evening will be the peak time of mass destruction and death.
The Category 10 storm will be preceded by eldritch winds which will bounce between the Lankville mountains for some time before a sudden ejaculatory release over the prairies. The zephyr will cause enormous power failures, electricity shortages, underground explosions and vicious animal attacks which will likely result in the evacuation of several towns. Frustrated, angry people will cling to the earth but the conflagration will ultimately claim them. The hurricane will then finish off those remaining.
“It’s going to be a big one,” said Lankville Daily News weather correspondent Jack Quintz. “The weather event will first be evident by the giant blinking rings of fire that you may notice before going to bed Sunday night, your final night. You will awake to an orange, melancholy sky issuing forth torrents of detritus out of the east. You will wonder about this in the few moments before the pounding, merciless rain suddenly cascades from the sky like some sort of demonic goblin of the elements.”
Meteorologists predict that the hurricane will be followed by a series of massive heat sheets which will pound the Lankville bay regions causing unparalleled levels of water evaporation and ground swelling and making it difficult to remove shakes from machines.
“Of course, by then, there won’t be anyone left to make the shakes,” Quintz noted.
President Pondicherry has declared a Lankville State of Tension and has deployed several hundred armed guards to area malls. Certain malls have been opened as “places of refuge” for those killed by the hurricane.
The President himself is monitoring the situation.
BREAKING: Presidential Candidate “Sturdy Teddy” Has Been Shot
By Bernie Keebler
2016 Presidential hopeful Sturdy Teddy has been shot, sources are confirming.
The independent “Mountain Party” candidate was attending a dough butter breakfast rally this morning when shots rang out, witnesses are reporting.
Sturdy Teddy was whisked away by handlers and his whereabouts are currently unknown. The shooter has not been identified.
Mountain candidate Sturdy Teddy.
“We are investigating,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who was the first to arrive at the scene. Someone appears to have accessed the gymnasium via a series of wide-open doors at the back. The individual appears to have been familiar with firearms. He had a lot of them. We’ve put some cones out.”
Gee-Temple pointed at two cones floating in a large puddle of blood.
“It all happened so fast,” said supporter Rod Ump of the Low Western Outlands. “We just hope Sturdy Teddy will recover. He was really starting to climb in the polls.”
Sturdy Teddy, 41 and unmarried, was placing 4th in a recent National Poll behind President Pondicherry of the Party of Moderation, David Hadbawnik of the Gourd Party, and Ric Royer of Hell.
“He was a man of few words,” said a supporter ominously. “But, clearly, that was speaking to the people of Lankville.”
The dough butter breakfast rally, a Mountain-area tradition, features dough and butter pressed between two flat sheets until golden-brown. The sheets are patterned to give the dough and butter its characteristic shape, size, and surface impression. The dough and butter breakfast can be traced to the Lankville Middle Ages when sheets typically depicted images of great Lankville Lords.
The traditional dough butter breakfast rally generally features large laminated folding tables with a 5/8″ thick, solid-core top coated with a scratch-resistant surface. Occasionally, economy tables are used which feature a plastic or polyethylene top. Regardless, both options feature fold-up dent resistant legs which make for easy cleanup.
Drink options include little “drink barrels” with a “peal-top”, popular in mountain areas. The drink barrels come in a variety of flavors including orange, blue, green and white.
“It was a nice event,” said Ump, who was helping to close the rear doors of the gymnasium. “Lot of food left. Lot of food.”
ACCOMMODATIONS
When staying in the Area Beyond the Outlands, pick the Murray. Friendly, creative staff, delightful beds, curtains. Phone Far Outlands 5-6712.
LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS: IN BOOK FORM!
The book is gone. It will never return. We hear stories but they are likely false. We live in the woods now. We make fire with a lighter that we found in the street. It was crushed by a truck but, somehow, perhaps through some intervention that is beyond us, it still works. We are waiting. We are waiting.
Original Pondicherry Association News promotional advertisement (2009)
TONIGHT ON TV! RICHARD AND THE POSTMAN REUNION SPECIAL!
The Hit program from the 1970's returns to Lankville TV tonight on LBC!
ADULT ADVERTISEMENT
Women all over Lankville are just sitting at mammoth computers waiting to hear from men like you! Just insert a floppy disk, write a (non-sexual) message and let the sparks fly! (Computer not included).
ADVERTISEMENT
A Vitiello Decorative Ham makes a great gift. Show that you care today.
BANDED DUFFELS ON PALLETS
Assorted colors. Whatever you want to do, man. Call Lankville Falls, 3247.
BRIAN SCHROPP IN THE LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS
The most important cuisine articles ever written.
CANDY
Jipps Co. Full Service Candy Counter! Our alert girls will push gummy drops into special paper sheaths, engage in restrained pleasantries and explain chocholate-to-nougat ratios. Call Central Lankville 3614.
CAT PHOTO
In compliance with Lankville subsection 11:16-4.
CHAMBERS CO. HAND DRILLS: When Electricity is Not an Option
When electricity is not an option consider the Chambers Company hand crank drills. Perfect for use in tight spaces, on distant islands or for drilling holes in fences to see TITS. Call 4-2309.
EMPLOYMENT
Big Ed's BBQ Shack is looking for a part-time waitress. Someone who doesn't nose around and ask a lot of difficult questions. Call Lankville Rougher Area, 5-2100.
EMPLOYMENT
Nuts, Ah! is looking for an experienced nut-handler. Experience with bagging nuts also important. If you break the nut sack, the nuts will drop onto the floor. Come in person for application to Twin Removed Pines Mall. NO CALLS.
FOX FOR PARTIES
Hire the Poetry Fox for Your Child's Next Party. Reasonable rates. Writes poems, dances, will not stand for any shenanigans. Call South Lankville 2009.
The funny stories of Dick Oakes, Jr. have thrilled millions. Look for them today in The Lankville Daily News!
GELSINGER’S ALLURE CLUB
Topless, bottomless wonderland. Mysterious back rooms. Carpeted entirely in astroturf. NO CALLS.
GREBOV BROTHERS TELESCOPE COMPANY
The Grebov Brothers are Lankville's finest purveyor of telescopes for astronomy enthusiasts. Substantial 4.5" apertures and fast f/4 focal ratios provide bright, detailed views of solar system targets like the Moon and planets, as well as wide-field celestial objects like nebulas and star clusters but also TITS.
GUMP PENETRATES
Only in The Lankville Daily News
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED STAIRCASE COMPANY
The Hadbawnik Company is Lankville's #1 installer of haunted, brush-littered staircases. Friendly non-foreign staff! Call Western (Outer) Lankville, 2154 or 2198 today.
HADBAWNIK HAUNTED BRUSH PILES!
The Hadbawnik Haunted Staircase Company is now offering haunted brush piles for use on your staircase. Create eerie, supernal ambiance. Allow the brush to blow haphazardly in the wind, creates fear, foreboding. Call our friendly staff of white people at Western Lankville, 2154. Brush piles may contain other forms of yard debris.
HEY! WANT A MONKEY?
Hey! Want a live little monkey? They do cute things like climb into pumpkins. Call "The Captain"- Central Lankville Hills, 5264.
HOME DUMP Your Neighborhood Hardware Store 16 Lankville Locations!
Weekly Special: Primitive Forged Hooks. Buy 4, Get a Can of Paint. Or Maybe Not. You'll Just Have to Find Out.
INFLAMED BY STARS AND BLOOD
Lankville's Premier Science Fiction and Horror Magazine Now Appearing in The Lankville Daily News!
JOHNNY PADRES, OPTICIAN
Lankville has been relying on Dr. Johnny Padres for their optical needs since 1973. We offer a full service family eye care center and provide examinations for glasses and contacts and have a large display of designer, traditional and innovative eyewear for both regular prescription eyeglasses and sunglasses all of which will enable you to see TITS better. Call Lankville Business 2618-2.
LIFE LESSONS FUNERAL HOME
Life Lessons Funeral Home has been helping Lankville with dead people since 1932. Contact Eddie or Stummins, Lankville Business, 5-2161.
LOOK AT THESE BEAUTIES!
Really some of our best ever! Have you ever seen anything like it? Call Kelly (male) at Lankville Sound 2615.
MISSING
Missing: adult penguin. Christ, I just let him out in the yard for one minute and now he's gone. Responds to the name "Richard". Call Lankville Eastern Outlands, 5-6213.
NOW PLAYING!
The Unhinged: A New Film by Tom "Vapor" Rayford. Crisp Street Cinema, Eastern Lankville
PINEAPPLE CITY: A New Way of Being
Pineapple City is a new way of being, feeling and having your shirt off. Located in the distant, barren Lankville Pines, Pineapple City is now accepting applications for sheds. Call PINES, 2-5771.
THE PUZZLER
In the pie chart above, what segment represents a certain specific strata of the general population?
REAL ESTATE
Little shed for sale. With door, mailbox, dirt plot. Site of multiple murders but don't worry, they happened around back. To inquire, come to the shed. Go around back.
REAL ESTATE
Four acre lot in Eastern Lankville Cove Area. Price reduced! Site of a fireworks display in which several people fell out of their lawnchairs and died. Locals believe it haunted but that's crap. Call Cove 2751.
THE RECKONER EXACTRA 2.0 : A Danny Madison Product
It's Your Time: CALCULATE
SARAH SAMWAYS: CONTRIBUTING FEMALE
Exclusively in the Lankville Daily News (and some other papers).
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT
Robin Brox will sit around and get progressively more intoxicated while listening to this other broad natter on about something. LANKVILLE REGIONAL AUDITORIUM, August 4, 11PM.
SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT CANCELED
The Dr. M. Chambers speech and candy-making event has been canceled again following Dr. Chambers' sudden collapse into some baskets. New date TBA
TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers
The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).
UTILITY YARD SHEDS
The Lowinger Brothers offer great utility yard sheds at low prices. This one is haunted. Call Lankville Port Area 1072.
VACATION PACKAGES!
Spectacular vacations in campers by little mountains. Your cares will melt away but you will have to be careful of that shack (pictured). A lunatic lives there. Call Mercantile District 2711.
WRESTLING TONIGHT!
8PM, Southern Lankville Man-Arena. Featuring Ric "Wild Boy" Tipps (green trunks).
ZACH KEEBAUGH INVESTIGATIONS
Only in The Lankville Daily News
The Lankville Daily News 
LETTER SACK